When Nuvs Cry Have Something In Their Eye
Prince: Welcome 2 Canada
Rogers Arena • Fri Dec 16 • Buy Tix Here
So Live Nation sez to me “Hey Nuv. Guess who’s coming to town.” And I’m like “Who?” And they’re like “Prince.” And I’m like “Uhhhh…” for like three hours until my throat fell out. They patiently waited while I disposed of the leftovers of my new throat in a bathtub of ice and even assisted while I performed self-surgery so I could finish my thought: “…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (And THAT, in case you didn’t know, is what it looks like when you type what it sounds like when doves cry.)
I’m typing this in fingerless gloves fashioned from a golden brassiere right now just to get the word out to you melonfarmers (TV edit for m*****f******. Prince don’t swear no mo’. Respect royalty, motherfathers!) so’s ya don’t miss out on a for real, 100% legit, bona fide once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a living legend of live performance Hendrix the holy h*** outta some guitars, falsetto the f*** outta some mics and purple the s*** outta some rain! When MJ died I decided: any acts that are MUST-SEE can’t be left to see “next time.” There might not be one. Conclusion? When opportunity knocks let that b**** in and party like it’s… well, you know.
PS, Live Nation: When you told me my favourite artist of all time was coming to town? What I meant to say was “HOLY F***** S***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Don’t Throw Rocks…
Jay-Z and Kanye West: Watch The Throne Tour
Rogers Arena • Sat Dec 17 & Sun Dec 18 • Buy Tix Online Here
Don’t sit alone at home watchin’ your bone. Accept Live Nation’s cordial invitation to come to Rogers Arena Dec 17 and Watch The Throne go hard as motherfucker! All the cool kids are doin’ it!
The Blastmaster brings the boom bap to Fortune Sound Club. If you attend this show (Nov 15) you will physically transform into hip hop! It might manifest in the form of dreads, or it might make you slap a fat dude in a moo moo off stage and take his mic. Either or…
HoldDaFucUp!! Not ONLY did these motherfuckers have a track called Blac Vagina Finda. Not ONLY did they pen Slam, one of the all-time great hip hop anthems. Not ONLY did they make calling someone Sticky Fingaz a compliment rather than something your mom busted you with once in Grade 9. They ALSO up and made my day when they announced they’d unleash that unholy, inimitable rasp on the greatest speakers of forever-ness at Fortune! If you come to the show, they’ll make yours too. Dun-duh-nuh! Dun-duh-nuh!
‘The Avengers’ Assemble
All of Marvel’s big guns come together and compete with the Dark Knight himself for the right to cinematically bukake next summer. Downey Jr. has the line of the trailer on two separate occasions! Here’s a sneak peek pervs:
Friday Night Lights‘ last QB stars in this “found footage” style film about some punk-ass teens getting kick-ass superpowers. Shades of Akira (which is never a bad thing) but the presentation makes it all feel unique.
The 2011 BET Cyphers
I’m not huge on awards shows, but BET’s changing that with their Cyphers. All the good things about rap in one place. The first vid is the best. Yelawolf is siiiiick and Royce kills it too (”Hi Rihanna”), but the Cypher is unsurprisingly owned by the head honcho of Shady Records. Eminem already murdered the alphabet. Last year he pissed on it’s grave. Now he’s just desecrating it’s corpse. Absolutely bananas! (Make sure you watch to the end for him.) The second one is solid as well, with top-notch showings from Big K.R.I.T., Machine Gun Kelly, Kendrick Lamar and B.o.B. in beast mode. (Oh yeah: old ass Tech Nine is there too.) And the last verse on the third video (courtesy of Skillz) is nutso mango! “Y’all never came in like Jay-Z’s moustache”?! SHITDAMN!!
Indie Meets Mainstream
Community: Remedial Chaos Theory
Anybody that’s not on board with Community yet, you’re missing one of the most consistently hilarious and creative shows on television. Don’t be a jerk to yourself. It’s a weekly dose of smart comedy, packed to the brim with pop culture references, homages to great movies, meta-commentary on the characters, (like talking about Shirley being the least popular of them in episode, a way to acknowledge and comment on the fact that she’s also the least popular character in real life among fans) and all-around mega-awesome-ness. Oh, and the naked, tiny-genital’d Chinese trunk-dude from The Hangover is all up in this motherfucker too. Anyway, if you’re one of those mooks that’s still on the fence: BAM! Here’s one of the smartest, and funniest, episodes yet, divided by “chapter.” Watch it in order. The way it builds to the madness of “Timeline Five: Troy” is masterful. (Or, short attention span suckas, just skip straight to “Timeline Five.” Even out of context it’s the best shit EVER!) If you don’t like this, you won’t like the series. And I won’t like you. And you should be ashamed of yourself. Dick.
Timeline One: Annie
Timeline Two: Shirley
Timeline Three: Pierce
Timeline Four: Britta
Timeline Five: Troy
Timeline Six: Abed
The Prime Timeline: Jeff
Epilogue: Return To Troy’s Timeline
Batman: Arkham City
The first installment in this video game franchise (Arkham Asylum) is not only the best super-hero game ever, but one of the best games ever PERIOD! From what I’ve heard, the second one pulls a ‘The Dark Knight’ and tops it. Someone buy me this shit on the PS3 now and shit!!
Batman: Year One
Stupid family. All, takin’ up my time loving me and shit. Don’t you know I gots to watch this mu’fucker right here?!
Everybody Was Kung Fu Blah Blah
You guys HAVE to read Wolverine #17. I won’t spoil it, but if the line “Is it true that Kung Fu-related deaths are already up by 200% over last year?” doesn’t interest you, you’re shittier than the dickhead adult from Footloose! It’s mo’ fun than a motherfucker! Jason Aaron’s beard wields dark magics that grant him savage writing abilities. With Hulk, Wolverine & The X-Men, Wolverine and PunisherMax… fuck, other than Uncanny X-Force & Daredevil my entire Marvel pull list consists of Jason Aaron-written titles. Anyways, Wolverine #17: Cop that shit and get caught up before next issue. Fat Cobra!
The Dark Arts of Andrea Sorrentino
[Said in my best Homer Simpson "yell-whisper" while motioning with my thumb] Check out this motherfucker! BONKERS!!!
Shamone! by Dan McDaid
“This is the best thing your eyes will ever see…” is a line usually followed by the unveiling of my peen. Here’s the second best thing!
Yo, Milk! Cheese! M.O.P.! Play me out…