The NFL Wild Card Weekend is finally here. One of these teams could get lucky and lose to the Packers in the Super Bowl. I’m going to give a quick preview for the games this weekend, and drink my face off and yell a bunch while watching them.
The only way the Bengals are going to win this game is if Rookie Quarterback Andy Dalton has the game of his young life. One issue he’ll have though, is facing a Texans defense that ranks 3rd overall in yards allowed per game. Fellow rookie quarterback T.J. Yates will have a tough task as well, but the Texans are lucky to have an incredible ground game (with Arian Foster and Ben Tate) that can be leaned on for a win in case Yates crumbles. The only back up plan the Bengals have is summoning a real Bengal from the spirit realm to help them. But in reality they’re just going to lose badly in lame uniforms. Oh, and the Bengals haven’t won a playoff game in 21 years, so there’s that too.
Final Score
Bengals 9, Texans 34
This will be the best offensive game in the history of sports! Both teams rank in the top 5 for offensive yards per game, with the Saints ranking first in overall yards and passing yards. It’s a shame that one team will have to lose this game. It’s been a lot of fun watching both these teams play, especially the up and down Lions, but it will all have to come to an end Saturday. As much as I like the Lions, they’re going to lose. First of all, the Saints must be pissed for losing to the Seahawks a year ago, and they’re going to take it out on the Lions. The Saints also have Drew Brees who just broke Dan Marino’s record of most passing yards in a season. The Lions defense isn’t nearly good enough to stop him, and they’re not experienced enough. I wish both teams could play next week but, oh well, I’m a jerk so I deserve it.
Final Score
Lions 27, Saints 37
This will be the last you see of Tim Tebow for a while because the Steelers are going to rape him. I’m not even kidding, full on rape. That very experienced defense of the Steelers is going to destroy the inexperienced quarterback and his prayers won’t be heard beyond the steel curtain of rape. I’ve enjoyed watching the Tebow magic, but I think it’s already run out and the proven Steelers have a level 9 magic spell to counter it. The Broncos also kinda suck, but their defense could step up and make things tricky for the hobbled and most likely hung-over Roethlisberger. The Steelers have too many weapons though and in the end, it’s going to be an ugly score. I think I just realized that I hate the Broncos. Neat.
Final Score
Steelers 42, Broncos, 10
This is a hard one to call. Both teams looked extra scary last week and I’m pretty sure they’d rather stab each other in the face in a parking lot than play the game. Not totally sure why I just said that but I made you think both teams are crazy, didn’t I?! I actually like both teams and they match up pretty damn well. Both teams have a good quarterback, multiple receiving targets and scary defensive lines. This game will come down to which ever D-Line can get to the other QB more often and sack his nuts! The only real edge I’ll give to either team is to the team that’s at home. So, sorry Falcons, but you won’t even be able hear your own crazy thoughts on 3rd down.
Final Score
Falcons 21, Giants 24
– Jay Haddow
