Well, I was 1 for 3 on my predictions for the NFL Divisional Finals. Thanks for nothin’ Jesus! Here’s the breakdown of my lame performance.
My score: Saints 28, 49ers 19. Actual Score: Saints 32, 49ers 36
My score: Broncos 34, Patriots 31. Actual Score: Broncos 10, Patriots 45
My score: Texans 13, Ravens 24. Actual Score: Texans 13, Ravens 20
My score: Giants 27, Packers 31. Actual Score: Giants 37, Packers 20
I would like to start off by giving a 20-minute standing ovation to the Saints and 49ers. That game had just about everything. Crazy turnovers, lots of touchdowns, 4 lead changes in the last 4 minutes, and a grown man crying, to name a few. That game set the tone for an epic weekend that I guess Jesus decided to skip. Speaking of Jesus, Tim Tebow had as many pass attempts (26) as Tom Brady had pass completions. Even with Christ himself up your ass for luck, you can’t win a game that way. But hey I’m not here to live in the past, or piss off any more churchies. I’m here to talk about each team that has made it to the Conference Finals, and if you’re lucky, a prediction of the scores. Let’s do this!
AFC Championship
I love teams that have a good defense so by rights I mega-love the Ravens. These old dudes handled the potent offense of the Houston Texans no problem last week, but they now have to deal with the Brady Bunch. They have a tough task ahead of them and they’re going to need a very good game from the very vanilla Joe Flacco. The guy should also probably just shut up and play ball instead of bitching about how the media blames him for the Ravens getting knocked out of the playoffs last year. Oh and if you have a rad moustache as a good luck charm, don’t bitch about that either. The Ravens have a suffocating secondary that can match up with any receivers or tight ends. They have Ray Lewis and an amazing set of linebackers. They have a rad coach and defensive coordinator, but their defensive line needs to get to Brady. They didn’t sack T.J. Yates once! I thought he would’ve ended up on the ground like 5 times. If the Ravens play the D they’re known for, they can make some noise and move on but this is probably the last chance they have as Lewis, Suggs and Reed are a combined 98 years old. That’s 98 years of crazy old man strength though.
The only pure offensive powerhouse left. They have so many weapons it’s kinda not fair but can the Ravens counter them all? The Patriots are like those rich kids you knew growing up that were good looking and good at everything and really super easy to hate. But the more I think about it, the more I actually respect the Patriots and realize, I have no reason to hate this team. They’re exciting and pretty much just like the Packers who everybody loves now. Both teams are pure offense and it showed this season as they were ranked worst, and second worst respectively in defense. So why else should you go for them? They have two tight ends that are impossible to stop: Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez. The Gronker will get above everyone and must be double-teamed, oh, and it takes two dudes and a net to bring him down. Meanwhile, Aaron Hernandez is left open to do all kinds of crazy things like slot in as a running back. This just shows me that this is the kind of team that is entertaining; a team that will try crazy shit behind their tunic-clad head Coach. I’m looking forward to Brady and the Gronk vs. Lewis and T. Sizzle. Wow, they should stop handing out nicknames.
Final Score
Ravens 24, Patriots 28
NFC Championship
Arguably the best team overall for the last three weeks. They’re getting consistent play from everyone, except the receivers. Okay, so Hakeem Nicks has stepped up but where are Mario Manningham and Victor Cruz, and when they do show up, why are they dropping easy passes? Eli Manning’s face can’t get any more hang-dog than when you idiots drop the ball, and I don’t like that face, it’s very slappable. Besides, Manning is playing great right now so if the receivers do their jobs, this team isn’t fun to play against. The front four on defense are also playing lights out while still wearing intimidating masks that would make me pee out my ass if I was a quarterback facing that. The Giants pretty much dominated the defending champs on their home turf with a balanced running and pass attack. They kept it simple and trusted their quarterback when they needed too. I don’t know if the 49ers can do the same as experience is way over on the Giants side of the ball. One rad thing that might happen is if the Giants go on to win the Super Bowl, Eli will flash his ring in big bro Peyton’s face, prompting a pissy slap-filled brother fight that I myself have a lot of experience in.
They have a well rounded and hungry team with a dangerous defense, oh and they’re riding an emotional high from their last win. I got caught up in the magic of that game and the “underdogs” coming out on top. But now that the hangover is gone, I’m looking at this team and thinking, Alex Smith won’t have a millisecond to make a decision. Smith had a great game though and shut me up instantly when he took off and ran in an epic touchdown, but the Giants D will be going after him like he stole from a blind puppy. That’s where the run game comes in and I’m afraid the Giants will be ready for that too. I know the 49ers have a lot of weapons but they’re young and will make mistakes that they can’t afford if the Giants play well. Once again, it will come down to the 49ers defense to keep the game close and the fans to energize the home team. The wildcard in all of this is the Coach Jim Harbaugh. He’s infinitely more entertaining than New York’s Coach Tom Coughlin and anytime a player runs off the field to cry in his coaches arms earns my respect… and a little snicker.
Final Score
Giants 20, 49ers 17
While typing this I realized I put the predictions of the scores in. Lucky you. I also realized that we’re going to have a rematch of Super Bowl XLII. It’s just logic folks and it comes down to experience and Quarterbacks and the Giants and Patriots win in both categories. But maybe it’s fate that the Ravens will face the 49ers and the Harbaugh brothers will kick the crap out of each other at halftime. Oh man can you imagine if they started fighting on stage while Madonna’s singing and then start crying and run to Mom and Dad! We’ll have to wait and see. I just know I want exciting football and a whole lotta crying!
– Jay Haddow
