I will now write an article about a new television show!
Listen you guys, did you watch the premiere of Alcatraz on the Fox television network last Monday? It was a two-hour series premier and, to quote the infamous Venus Toshiba, “IT WAS THE TITS!”
Now, I don’t watch a whole lot of television dramas, but a week ago I saw a commercial for this show and I was all “SWEET BABY! IS THAT DR. ALAN GRANT FROM JURASSIC PARK?!” A lot of people probably tell you that Star Wars was the most influential movie of my youth, but those people don’t know me! Those fools don’t know about my incapacitating love for Jurassic Park AND Sam goddamn Neill! Calming down, I knew that I was going to have to give Alcatraz half a shot because of Sam goddamn Neill alone.
Anyway, what else was I going to watch on Monday nights? Two and a Half Men?! With Ashton Kutcher, Ducky and that kid who used to be cute? FORGET THAT! No, up until this week, my Monday nights were a huge block of free time where I could just sit around after a hard day’s work and ponder how much I hate my job. But how Things. Have. Changed.
I’ve thought about this for at least five minutes and the best way I can describe Alcatraz is that it’s a cross between CSI, Prison Break, Lost and X-Files. And if that don’t get your boat a floatin’, nothing will! The basic premise of the story is that in 1963 all of the prisoners of Alcatraz mysteriously disappeared from their cells. There was a huge cover up (they were said to have been transferred to other prisons) but now one-by-one they’re starting to reappear in the present. And they’re still the same age as they were when they disappeared! And some hidden puppet master is pulling their strings and making them perform tasks. SOMETIMES THOSE TASKS ARE MURDEROUS! Needless to say, the 302 escapees aren’t sticking around the island, and they’re performing some awesome and/or horrible acts now that they’re free.
Sam Neill heads up a shadow-arm of the FBI and has created a four-person task force to recapture the Alcatraz prisoners as they reappear. One prisoner per episode, get it?! Neill plays Emerson Hauser, the leader of the squad and the cute Indian girl from Bend it Like Beckham (Parminder Nagra) is Lucy Banerjee, his right hand. Sarah Jones plays Detective Rebecca Madson, a San Fran cop with a connection to one of the 302. She also plays a super fox, although that may-or-may-not be part of the plot. She recruits the loveable Doc Soto (Jorge Garcia, the chubby dude from Lost) to be her partner because he’s an expert on Alcatraz and therefore all the escapees. Oh, and I can’t even say the name Robert Forster without getting goosebumps, and he’s in it too. So far, best cast ever.
You know what though? I could tell you a lot more about the show, but then it would be Spoiler City. Suffice it to say that Alcatraz has started off at an amazing pace and the performances I’ve seen so far have been very strong. Sam Neill walks the line between grumpy hard-ass and preposterous over-actor so convincingly that every one of his scenes are pure gold. The bodies hit the floor and the blood sprays all over the place and I’m pretty sure this show is going to make its reputation on its refusal to pull punches. Civilians, schma-schmillians. There’s going to be a ton of twists and turns throughout (a replica Alcatraz in the friggin’ woods?!) and if you’re a fan of shows like Lost and the X-Files, this one is going to be right up your alley.
ALCATRAZ! More episodes for my eye-balls tonight! Thanks!
– Ian
