This Sunday is Super Bowl XLVI, that’s 46 to you idiots out there. The Giants and Patriots are re-united in a rematch of Super Bowl XLII and going by how amazing that game was, I think we’re set for a retardedly rad game. Eli Manning is playing on big bro’s field against big bro’s maniacal arch nemesis, the evil Tom Brady. So who the hell is gonna have a better game? Is some unknown guy gonna have the play of the game again by catching the ball against his helmet? Or better yet, his asshole. Is Chad Ochocinco gonna be the hero and then do something weird? All I know for sure is you can’t say either team doesn’t deserve to be here, cause they both do and if you don’t like that, well, I hope you get poisoned and lit on fire! So here’s the road both teams took to get here and the 3 things each team will need to lean on in order to win. The Giants definitely had a bumpier ride here and I’m pretty sure they got car-jacked a few times along the way. Meanwhile the Patriots rolled up in a Hummer Limo (don’t forget, they are douchebags still).
You have to start off by mentioning Eli Manning first and foremost as the MVP for the Giants this season. He threw for just under 5000 yards and 29 touchdowns (18 of those in the 4th quarter) and officially stepped out of the huge shadow cast by his brother Peyton Manning. (Legend has it that shadow was caused by Peyton’s mutant forehead.) Eli isn’t exactly the most charismatic dude but who gives a shit; he got his team to the Super Bowl, again. Time to give this guy the credit he deserves, and maybe some pointers on how to not give the most boring interviews of all time. I’ll admit that it took a while for me to warm up to the guy but after watching him this season it’s clear he really is an elite quarterback. He’s more confident now and seems to know the game itself as well as any QB. He’s also more fired up and emotional rather than being kinda meh about most things. The coaches now realize they have a QB that doesn’t need to have his hand held throughout the game cause Eli can get it done. Just ask the Patriots about the last time these two teams played in the Super Bowl.
Victor Cruz surprised the holy bejesus out of all of us this season, especially me cause he was my surprise fantasy monster, well him and Megatron! By the way I’m now officially incapable of saying the name Megatron without yelling it like Starscream would. Okay so Cruz was third in total receiving yards this season with 1536 just behind Wes Welker and… Meeegatrooon! It’s a pretty good chance that the weak ass secondary of New England is gonna get worked by Cruz early on which will lead to him getting double-teamed, which will then lead to the other 400 receiving targets Manning has being even more open. The Patriots are going to have to respect Cruz out there, much like the Giants will for Welker, but I’m positive both dudes will be major factors in the game, and then salsa with each other.
The Giants have a far superior and far less chubby defensive line. Much like the last time these teams met in the Super Bowl, the Giants D will get to Brady and punch him in his ass. I predict Brady will get sacked 6 or 7 times and get forced to make a play on almost every down. Completely (clinically?) insane and crazy intense, the Giants were second in the league this year in sacks and 1st overall in causing panic, bad decisions and piss-pants in opposing QBs. This line can be the deciding factor in Super Bowl XLVI, all they have to do is get through a decent New England offensive line, and murder Brady.
New England Patriots
Tom Brady threw for 5,235 yards and had 39 touchdowns this season. If he wins this Super Bowl he passes Joe Montana for most wins in NFL Playoff history with 17… wow! It’s weird to watch myself type this, but he’s making a pretty good case for himself to be regarded as the best quarterback of all time. It’s hard to argue against his numbers and if he wins this game on Peyton Manning’s turf, against Peyton’s baby bro, while Peyton has a fucked up neck, it will be the ultimate F-U move. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen but it’s hard to stop someone that good, especially with a ton of offensive options and a ballsy coach. Looking at Brady’s stats it’s pretty obvious he ran the entire Patriots organization this year. He attempted 611 passes and connected on 401 of them and he had 3 rushing touchdowns. He seems to be poised to win another Super Bowl and if his big guys in front of him have the game of their fat lives, then he will.
Gronk no like bad ankle, that make Gronk mad. Does anyone else expect this guy to just grunt and moan and smash the table in interviews? He literally is a beast, oh that reminds me, how’s the second part of that article coming A.T.? Ha, inside joke, you had to be there. Anyways, Rob Gronkowski is the biggest receiving threat in the game because every guy on D needs to know where he is at all times so they don’t get Gronk-Smashed in the face. This guy is impossible to defend, even for a great defense like the one in New York, even if said defense double-teams him. Look at these numbers, 1327 yards receiving and 17 touchdowns, and he’s a tight end! How does a tight end finish the season with the second most touchdowns?! Now we’re in the playoffs and Gronk has been banged up a bit and all the buzz this week has been about his sprained ankle and the possibility of him not playing. I don’t think I’m buying that. Can you imagine having the season he’s had and then sitting out the Super Bowl? Gronk will play and be a huge pain in the ass for the Giants secondary. Gronk Smash!
I’m a sucker for NFL Films, so when I watched A Football Life: Bill Belichick I said to myself “Crap, now I like him, great!” I didn’t think I’d ever like the convicted cheater, but I do, and I respect the way he deals with his players, especially Brady. Those two have a relationship you just don’t see that often in sports: a coach and a player on equal terms calmly discussing how to be successful. Belichick has respect for Brady, as he should, and often lets Brady decide what it’s going to take to win the game, and that just doesn’t happen on any other team. When I stack the Giants and the Pats up against each other, I have to give the coaching edge to the Pats. I know Tom Coughlin is a great coach and he’s great at challenges, but he doesn’t have the same set of balls that Hooded-Monk has. Belichick also slots in players at odd positions like TE Aaron Hernandez at running back and WR Julian Edelman at corner back. It’s just the ‘Patriot Way’ apparently but it does shake up how the coaches on the other teams prepare for the game, and I kinda like it. It’s just how he rolls. I’m just happy that this Super Bowl has at least one coach that will go for it on 4th and 15.
It’s a little sad to be at the end of yet another amazing NFL season but at the same time I can’t wait for this rematch. I’m having a hard time deciding who’s going to win and it seems I have some coin flipping to do. Nah that ain’t me! I’m going to say the Giants will win this rematch. Their D is that good and their receivers are going to light up that jerry-rigged secondary of the Patriots. My score is below… and I’m out!
Giants 27, Patriots 23
– Jay Haddow
Holy shit! That first picture might be the greatest thing ever posted on this site!!
I think it’s gonna be a see-saw in the second half, with the lead changing back and forth. Late in the fourth Brady will do a 70 or 80 yard drive and score a touchdown to ‘cement his legacy’ and put the Patriots up by 4, leaving less than 2 minutes on the clock. Eli will do what he’s been doing all year (and now owns the record for) and produce ONE LAST last minute save. Touchdown, clock runs out, Giants win, fuck the Patriots, etc. Do it, Eli! Do it for Peyton!!
Giants 27, Patriots 24