If you missed Super Bowl XLVI then you straight up suck at life. The Patriots and Giants gave us an amazing game with a crazy ending. I rule at life, so I watched the game with a bunch of good friends who brought over rad food and tons of quarters for gambling. Deadly serious wagers were made like “I bet Nicki Minaj looks sluttier than Madonna” and “Gimme 3 to 1 odds that A.T. goes ten whole minutes without dropping something.” One minor drawback: we watched the game on CTV and were exposed to the horrendously repetitive and unimaginative commercials for shitpiece programs like The Voice and Smash over and over. You know, instead of the SUPERAWESOMETRUCKAMERICAFUCKYEAH commercials they got south of the border. ‘Cause CTV hates our eyes and ears. Well, as usual, it’s Uncy Jay to the rescue! Not only will I talk about the game, and the whole NFL season, but I’m ALSO gonna give you guys some commercial breaks and pepper this article with some of the wicked awesome commercials us lowly Canadians missed! Like this one!
That was kinda cool EH?! But back to the lecture at hand: even though we missed ads like that one, we were still glued to the TV, mute button at the ready for our incredibly shitty commercials. When football moves resumed we were spoiled by a great game that went down to the last play. Let’s start at the beginning though with Eli Manning moving the ball well and spreading it around to a bunch of different receiving targets. On his very first pass attempt, from his own end zone, Tom Brady however, threw the ball to no one and was called for intentional grounding. That’s a safety folks (insert Nelson laugh) and that’s why the score was a whopping 2-0 for a while. At the end of the first quarter, Eli connected with Victor “Salsa” Cruz and the score was 9-0. It looked like the G-Men were in complete control at this point but Brady just had to be Brady and somehow had the Pats up 10-9 at halftime. I guess he started to get flashbacks to Super Bowl XLII when their perfect season was ruined by this very team.
Madonna’s performance was pretty good to be honest, and, sure enough, she didn’t look sluttier than Nicki Minaj or M.I.A. Some people won some quarters thanks to the Material Girl and, before we knew it, the game was back on. Good thing too ’cause the second half was when shit got real! Brady made nine passes in a row at this point and eventually made 16 in a row, which is now a Super Bowl record. I guess somebody told Tommy Boy to stop being a bitch, so he whipped his hair, slammed his helmet on and had the Patriots up 17-9. Those 17 unanswered points were all the Pats could muster though as the Giants defence decided to show up and shut shit down. Eli then chose to throw the ball to anyone that was open and whoever it was caught the ball. Pretty simple if you ask me. Unless, of course, you’re a Patriot receiver late in the game. I guess they took the second half off.
The New York Football Giants won an amazing game, and my hat goes off to both teams for giving us fans a rare awesome Super Bowl… again. Eli won the MVP (and earned it) but he had a lot of other guys step up. Ahmad Bradshaw and Justin Tuck had huge games and all three receivers (Mario Manningham, Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz) were like “Samesies!” They didn’t try anything stupid and they didn’t worry when the Patriots scored 17 points in a row. Everyone knew what to do, and it sounds sappy, but they really did play as a team. I also think it’s awesome that the game came down to the Giants defense stopping Brady, that crazy offense and forcing the Patriots to have their lowest point total of the season. Damn.
And now a bit of depression kicks in, as we won’t see the NFL for a long time, but I’m fighting it. I’m choosing to look back on an amazing season and remember things like, oh I don’t know, three quarterbacks throwing for over 5000 yards! A rookie QB (Cam Newton) throwing for over 4000 yards, 21 TD’s and getting 14 rushing touchdowns! The San Francisco 49ers not allowing a rushing TD until Week 14! Sheesh! When this all settles in, there’s gonna be a lot of epic NFL Films presentations for me to swoon over, and it’ll tide me over for a while, but all too soon it’ll come crashing to an end, leaving me wondering if the 2012-13 season can top this.
I think next season will be even better because there won’t be an NFL Lockout looming over the summer. That basically means the players can do their regular off-season workout so there won’t be 1300 sprained groins on opening day again! The teams that suffered painful losses can look at the images of the Giants dancing around with their shiny new rings and use that to fuel them into getting ready for the upcoming season (49ers). Or they could just be some bitch-babies about it and mope all summer (Packers).
Heading into the seven month wait until next season, I do have some questions. Will Jesus guide young Tebow’s hand again? Will a QB break another record that stood for almost 30 years? Will there be more coach fights? Will Ray Lewis finally eat someone’s face? Will I go to another live game? Will the now healthy Peyton Manning play in Indianapolis? And, most importantly, will I actually be able to wait almost as long as it takes a chick to grow a baby for the season to start?! I hope I can. And I hope my good old pals will throw the ball around with me on Sundays to help ease the pain of waiting.
Only like 306, 803 minutes to go. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick…
Sigh.
- Jay Haddow
