Oscars. Despite all their shortcomings, misfires, blatant ball droppings (not testicles), and how easy it is to criticize and deride past winners, this is still the awards show that make the movie stars hustle. And man, do I love watching the calm, cool and loaded lucky few sweat. Not a single movie star would say they wouldn’t one day want to sleep next to a golden man. So, tonight, despite all my moaning and groaning, and the despair that set in when Murphy was out and Crystal was in, I will be studiously ignoring my child to watch the fancy dresses swoop and swoosh, the jewels blind, and the blessed few congratulate each other in a business so kiss-assery, but still so enchanting. Despite completely overlooking Drive. The bone I have to pick with that disastrous omission is so big the marrow could feed an African village.
Guess who writes Oscar columns? EVERYBODY. So, I wanted to come back to the site with something a little different. Yeah yeah, I’ll do a rundown of my predictions, mostly so I can rub it in Nuv’s face if, nay WHEN, I’m proven correct (something that happens so woefully never in real life), but first I wanted to make the meaty part of this taste a little different. So, I now present, with little to no forethought, the Miss Teen USSR Oscars.
Best Scene in an Elevator
Drive
Man alive, this scene goes from drippy sexxiness to startling ferocious violence in less than 60 seconds. I’ll say it again – the Academy had 10 spots for Best Picture, only gave out 9 nominations, and Drive was not in there. That is SO egregious and not just for the population obsessed with Gosling’s every smirk and look up through a lowered gaze. Even Nuv thinks this was a robbery of the worst kind.
Best Running by a Male Lead
George Clooney in The Descendants
Have you ever tried running in sandals? Like haul-ass running? Take it from a professional (me) – it’s not easy. My wedding weekend dictated that I do wind sprints down hotel corridors and I lost my shoes in a flailing 2$ Target flip-flop mess at least 3 times. So, the scene where he runs from his house to a friend’s house to confirm some terrible news, sweating, heavy of foot and awkward, made me so happy. Even sly silver foxes that own villas in Lake Como can have a rough go of it in nature’s most comfortable yet most flimsy of footwear.
Most Enchanting Final Scene
The Artist
When I was little I used to watch Shirley Temple movies with my Grandma. That little half pint incited my very first rumblings of I WANT TO BE YOU. I desperately wanted a headful of ringlets that I could make sway and bounce, and the ability to rock ankle socks and sing and dance up and down stairways with friendly black butlers. Also – she inspired an amazing drink. Shirley Temple – so rad for so many reasons. After sitting through The Artist, glued to my seat with wide eyes and a heart full of magic, the last scene completely unlocked my internal 6 year old, giddy and filled with wonder at the magic of old time Hollywood. A mere few minutes of time that desperately made me want Stella to be old enough to watch The Little Princess with me.
Most Compelling Argument to Never Have Children
We Need to Talk about Kevin
Sitting through this movie is a slog. You don’t feel good about anything when it’s over. It made me happy to not have a son. It’s stylish and amazingly edited, directed and acted, but holy hell I was glad when it was over.
Best Travel Ad Disguised as a Movie
Midnight in Paris
Oh hello Paris. You delightful SOB. Can I come visit you right now?
Most Well-Rounded Movie
Bridesmaids
I really love a comedy that isn’t afraid to put in unfunny realistic scenarios and conversations that ring true. For me it makes the outlandish and over the top scenes even better. I’d also give this movie Best Screenplay. And the distinction of the movie that made Hangover 2 (which came out just after) look super shitty and uninspired.
The Please Be My Best Friend Award
Tie: Jessica Chastain & Marion Cotillard
I am in girl love with these women. Regardless of their utter lockdown on being the most charming and engaging women acting in film right now, I’d really like to just go get fancy coffees, use a high-end department store’s washroom and then have a sleepover with them.
Alright, now, let me try my hand at some predictions here. I’m only going to attempt the major categories I know best. Sorry Documentary Short.
Best Picture
Who will win: The Artist
Who I want to win: The Artist
There wasn’t another movie that completely transported me to a different time, space and level of delight. It makes you gush like a Gramma! Cheese and crackers!
Best Director
Who will win: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Who I want to win: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
I can’t wait to see what this dude does next. But I’d also like to ask the members of the Academy how Bennet Miller did not get nominated for Moneyball? He made a sport I give less than a shit about completely compelling.
Actor in a Leading Role
Who will win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Who I want to win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist
If Clooney has to lose to someone, I’m totally okay with it being Jean aka scamp personified.
Actress in a Leading Role
Who will win: Meryl Streep, The Iron lady
Who I want to win: Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Viola might play spoiler here. I do like her a lot, but The Help was a gross exercise in story-telling.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Who will win: Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Who I want to win: Nick Nolte, Warrior
Beginners was the third best movie I saw this year (behind The Artist and Drive), so I’m totally ok with Plummer taking this, but Nolte’s sweaty desperate turn in Warrior was pretty fantastic. Also, NOLTE! Please be in more movies. And tell Michael Keaton to join you.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Who will win: Octavia Spencer, The Help
Who I want to win: Berenice Berjo, The Artist
Long shot I know, but again, I’d rather not reward The Help in any which way at all. And Berjo was half the reason why The Artist was so perfect.
So, you know where to find me for over 4 hours tonight – plopped in front of the TV with some unrealistically high expectations and some banana bread. Oh, and one final prediction: I GUARANTEE that Billy Crystal wears the Drive jacket. Until next time Internet…
