The first round of the 2012 NFL Draft is just a few day away, and speculation continues to run rampant as to who will be picked where. Ballers and ball-ettes, may I present my….. DRAFTY BALLS!!!
Everyone has a mock draft, and youse bitches is ALWAYS wrong.
In fact, the only picks that are certain right now are Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III at No. 1 and No. 2, respectively. Oh yeah, and there’s the Vikings, who had a press release revealing that “with the #3 overall pick, we will be choosing either Matt Kalil, Morris Claiborne, or Justin Blackmon.” NO SH#T?!? With the 3rd you’ll pick the 3rd, 4th, or 5th best player that’s not an Adrian Peterson replacement?!? F*ck you guys. When you jerkoffs pick, I’m goin’ for a piss…
Every other pick is fair game, with very few media outlets agreeing on who will go next. That’s why I’ve taken’ their ‘clear’ first 6 picks, tossed ‘em in a shaker, and poured all y’all shots of your next NFL stars. Cuz whatever order the booze is poured, you’ll get football drunk just the same. Oh, and I’ve added who they’ll taste like. Don’t worry… I meant that in a dirty way…
1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Tastes Like: Peyton Manning, Sam Bradford
This one is a no-brainer. Luck is the best quarterback prospect since who knows when, and there couldn’t be a player more fitted to succeed Peyton Manning…. But not BE Peyton Manning. It will take him a while to win, but once he does, he’ll do it for a long time. If they don’t wanna wait more than 3 years, they can get Peyton back then, and trade Luck to the Jets to replace Tim Tebow.
2. Washington Redskins – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
Tastes Like: Randall Cunningham, Cam Newton
There may not be a more exciting prospect in this year’s draft class. Think Cam Newton, except more polished. Think Randall Cunningham with more quickness and less churches. Griffin will likely be one of the top contenders for the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year, and will definitely win the award for talkin’ on the sideline phone to interfering owners.
3. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC
Tastes Like: Joe Thomas, Jake Long
Minnesota could go with a receiver at this pick, but to be honest, neither Justin Blackmon nor Michael Floyd is worth the third overall pick. Their best bet is to draft a franchise left tackle in Kalil to protect the back-ass of their franchise quarterback, Christian Ponder, and get Adrian Peterson back in his prime form (thanks for the fantasy bust, jerk). While it isn’t the sexiest pick, it is the best pick for the Vikings. Besides, they better look impressive for at least THIS year, cuz soon its gonna be easier to look sexy in L.A…. Duhn Duhn Duuuuhhhnn!
4. Cleveland Browns – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Tastes Like: Maurice Jones-Drew
There has been quite a bit of talk as to what Cleveland will do with this pick, but if they draft anyone other than Richardson, it will prove that the franchise is in complete disarray. And they’re still dumb-dumbs. A running back like Richardson doesn’t come around every year. He had more touchdowns rushing this year than almost every quarterback had passing. He has the ability to be an offensive juggernaut in Cleveland for years to come. Oh yeah, and if they can complete a handoff and pitch, the Brown’s will finally get what they want: never having to pass.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Tastes Like: Champ Bailey
After bringing in some major free agents on the offensive side of the ball (see: Vincent Jackson, Carl Nicks), the Buccaneers will address their defense with the best cornerback in this class. This kid could be one of this generation’s next receiver-erasures like Champ, and is tough as nails, as he apparently played the last quarter of the season with a torn wrist tendon. Claiborne will also have some time to learn from, and be the eventual replacement of, future Hall of Famer Ronde Barber, when he retires in 2018.
6. St. Louis Rams – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
Tastes Like: Hakeem Nicks
The truth is that drafting Blackmon here is overdrafting him. However, no other pick makes sense for the Rams and he’s the best in the draft. They desperately need a top receiver for Sam Bradford, seeing as Brandon Lloyd douched off to New England. While Blackmon may not be yet be “elite” in most ways, he is good enough to provide a big boost to the Rams offense. Also, most scouts say he is a better pro than former teammate Dez Bryant… and gets arrested in less malls.
Oooooooh it’s gonna be drafty on April 26th!
BRRRRRRRRRR!!!
– Balls Out
