Nuv: “It’s the return of the Wild Style fashionist…”
Jay: “Once again, back is the incredible…”
Nuv: “…Rah-uh, ruh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh…”
You: What the hell are youse two guys yammering on about?
Nuv: Tsk, tsk. I thought you knew the ledge and shit. Hey, Haddow. Learn this motherfucker…
Jay: Ahem. (adjusts imaginary tie) OHMYFUCKINGGOD, THEFUCKINGGODISCOMING! Rakim Allah! Coming back! To Vancouver! TO FORTUNE SOUND CLUB!
Nuv: Yo, you can’t ace the test without studying, B. Do the knowledge.
Jay: Translation for old and/or white folk…
Nuv: …AKA the Haddow family…
Jay: …read on for ticket prices and other relevant details…
FORTUNE SOUND CLUB & STUSSY PRESENT…
THE LEGENDARY RAKIM (ERIC B & RAKIM)
W/ GUESTS CONSCIENCE, J-DENNIS, JAY SWING
WHERE & WHEN: Sunday, May 27 RESCHEDULED FOR TUESDAY JUNE 26 at Fortune Sound Club (147 E. Pender at Main in Chinatown) doors 8pm – 12am
TIX: Early Bird (limited quantity) $20, Advance $25, and then $30 available at Beatstreet, DIPT, Livestock Gastown, online HERE.
“I’m pretty sure the first time a rapper’s delivery was referred to as butter, that dude was probably bumping Rakim. While others had to scream on the mic to get your attention, Rakim laid back on it and still came off menacing. Cool and calculating, he spun a web with his words, lured you in and had you exactly where he wanted you. Some say he fell off. You got it all wrong, melon-farmers. The art of MCing just finally raised itself to his level. So, “Stick my dick in ya ear and fuck what ya heard.” – Nuv Takhar, 2009
Jay: “It’s the return of the Wild…”
Nuv: I already did that one.
Jay: Oh. Right. How about “spread the word, I’m in E-F-F-E-C-T, a smoo…
Nuv: Yo, I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish, but RAKIM HAS THE BEST FLYER OF ALL TIME! Note the third name over from the left at the bottom of that shit.
Jay: THAT’S US!
Nuv: THAT’S RIGHT!
Jay: Well alright then.
Nuv: Say, any o’ you mu’fuckers know how to time warp me straight to May 27th JUNE 26th? No? Pfft. We OUTTA here.
Jay: Yo, what happened to peace?
Nuv: PEACE!
Still need convincing?! Shee-it. R2AK’s been hippin’ you hippies to Rakim since time BEGAN and shit! Nuv and Jay saw Rakim last time he came to Vancouver (thanks, and super-mega-pogo-jump high fives, to Jay Swing!) and had to wear eye patches over both eyes for a while after. Oh, they could see fine. They just kept crying out blown-mind bits. POW: Nuv’s review! BIFF: Jay’s pics/vids! ZOWIE: Nuv’s list of the top 18 Rakim songs! And if you’re still unsure, go re-read Nuv’s quote (up, and to the right of Piggy Seldon’s floating head of doom). And if you’re STILL still unsure after that?
Go fuck yourself.
- Nuvy T. & Jayhad
