You like how I only climb out of the woodwork when there’s a long weekend? Something about an extra day off transforms this mild mannered nerd mom into a “f-ck it, drink it, smoke it, bleed it!” monstrosity of a human being. Every now and then you gotta get loose, right? Here’s what I highly recommend you do this weekend. F-ck a forecast.*
*(Relying on my scientific mindbrain, the end of July means summer is half over. And despite the blue balls of a summer we’ve been having that makes everybody weather chat like we’re f-cking 65 year olds sandwiched around a large puzzle table, we need to summon some positivity and just say NO to any downers. If the weather won’t make us cum, we should handle our own reacharounds thankyouverymuch.)
FRIDAY
Yelawolf is playing an (early show) at Fortune Sound Club – our home away from home with a better speaker system and non-stop Red Stripes. What was once an all-ages show at The Vogue has now moved to the safety of adults only. I was once underage. I had my heart broken many a time when a band I was keenly in love with would play, like, The Starfish Room and I’d write about it furiously in a ‘zine that would get dropped off at Track Records on Seymour Street to be read by one lonely girl in RIchmond.
Now that I’m on the other side, all-ages really means partying with the kids you would rather earnestly and carefully punch in the face. So, good riddance young cubs. There needs not to be violence at this gig – Yelawolf is a dude we at R2AK have been pulling for long before Eminem signed him. Nuv got all lovey dovey when he reviewed his first show at Fortune back in 2010 and there is no indication he will do anything short of popping everybody’s trunk* at this early show (doors at 8pm).
*I have no idea what that even means.
SATURDAY
Unless you have a vagina, you don’t give a sh-t about the fireworks tonight. So, I was looking at what else happens in my city on a Saturday and JESUS CHRIST, there is a lot of douchey bullsh-ttery you can get up to in this town. Like a lot. A non-stop endless party of assholes that you can join for a $20 cover. So gross. Or awesome if you’re into wearing fancy shorts, heels and dancing to Chris Brown with Sweaty Steve from Steveston. If you’re not down with a little hump & grind or watching the sky explode, my best advice is to either play candlelight horseshoes down at Crab Park, have a sweeping Gatsby-style poker game at home (winner takes all…the pennies!) or go see a movie. The new Batman in IMAX is startlingly great. OR find a hammock, read Ready Player One in one giant amazing gulp and fall asleep while smelling the neighbor’s barbecue and listening to the new Walkmen album.
SUNDAY
The last 80s party at The Charles Bar on the May long weekend was f-cking fun. Everybody in attendance was into it and by “it” I mean a solid mix of 80s music that you could a) sing along to b) dance to or c) all of the above. So if you need us Sunday night, we’ll be Su-su-suddio’ing all over the place. Nuv might be wearing a headband & Scorpion jacket. Want to get in for free and double-dutch with us on the dance floor? Of course you do. Check out TCB’s Facebook Page to get sorted. “She don’t even know my naaame….”
Monday
It’s like a Fortune long weekend sandwich because you’re heading back there Monday night to see Action Bronson be large, loud and radically lewd. The dude is a beast and makes us laugh hard with lines like “Earring with the feather, every hooker’s name is Heather.” Sorry, what’s that? You don’t have tickets? Weird. BECAUSE I HAVE SOME FOR YOU. Your three steps to winning below…
1. Like the Review 2 A Kill Facebook Page
2. Like the Fortune Sound Club Facebook Page
3. Comment on this post with your favourite Action Bronson line
Our favourite line wins two tickets to the show – winners announced Friday – good luck!
Alright folks, that’s all I got. Even if you do absolutely nothing of note this weekend, I completely respect that.*
*Don’t be a nerd. Go have fun.
We’ve been the best since I stepped in
Bring a hooker to the muthafuckin Jets Inn
In the sack, break her back like a Redskin
Need the dough like I’m trying to get the bread thin
Tree to make the head spin
Every season play the corner like I’m Revis
Light Caesar, heavy bearded like I’m Jesus
Ey, yo! Now that the contest is closed, here’s a (w)hole fuckin’ lot of MY favourite Action Bronson lines. No particular order. All amazing. Aaaannd…
Action!
“now suck my son’s dick, he only 4, when he 20 he gon’ run shit”
“Salamander tux, fuckin Alabama butts / we known to gallivant in trucks, with an Irish bitch to put a fuckin hammer to your nuts”
“this tool I got will loosen up your stool a lot / yeah, the pee pee will make you poo poo a lot”
“ehhhh… motherfucker you’re only kinda sick”
“smack the taco outcha mouth, green couch”
“earring with the feather, every hooker’s name is Heather”
“suede loincloth, never fall off, Mr.Wonderful – Paul Orndorff”
“strength of a retard, the drugs are even stronger”
“ya soft like a midget’s cough”
“1 hand drivin, 3 gram smokin, 2 fiend suckin, tea bag soakin”
“your whole team pussy like a muffin sheet”
“scotch: make it neat, no socks on the feet”
“bitch, Buscemi framed by my favourite chair”
“pecan pie seats, lord, I’m a legend”
“dig a hole, throw the lamb in it/leather sandals in the sand, motherfuckers couldn’t stand in it”
“motherfucker I was born to live”
“you ain’t in my genre, bitch blow me – harmonica”
“Randy Quaid with the turtleneck…”
“dope body, but her pussy like an old fish”
“sign my name with the feather, tap dance under the full moon”
“eatin chicken out the bucket, motherfuckers don’t wanna bring the ruckus”
Learn ‘em. Yell ‘em Monday night. That’s pretty much the only place you can say a couple of these in public without gettin’ slapped with the magic hands.
Not me. I say/do what the fuck I wants, bitch!
BAM! BAM!
Henny.