Batgirl – Stephanie Brown was a great Batgirl and rocked the black and purple for too short a time (24 issues). Lucky for us the cosplayers think so too!

Batwoman – In a sea of unoriginality (Venus counted twenty-two Poison Ivys and over ten Harley Quinns) there are always a handful of original costumes. This Batwoman was one of our favourites for sure.

The Court of Owls – Easily the most eerie costumes of the con. Fear the court!

Harley Quinn, Scarecrow and Catwoman – Win! Win! Win!

Hawkman – Character fail, costume win! Sure Hawkman sucks, but check out those awesome wings!

Lady Blackhawk – In every crowd picture there’s an Asian saying everything with their eyes. LOL! Seriously though, this one is definitely in the running for best con costume. Fan-tas-tic.

Poison Ivy & Two-Face – I’m gonna write some x-rated fan fiction about these two! It’s gonna be a new feature in the comics section of R2AK! Look for it in May!

The Riddler - Nailed it!

The Rocketeer – Girl Rocketeers are my most favourite thing ever. Considering I’d give my left nut for that jacket and helmet, this one is really well done!

Rogue & Punisher – There are no shortage of crappy Punishers (and Deadpools) at comic conventions, but this guy put a lot of work into his costume. And that old-school Rogue is fantastic too. Nice!

Wonder Woman – Ame-Comi (by Udon Studios) make the best manga-fied heroine statuettes and the fact that this woman made an Ame-Comi Wonder Woman costume endears her to our hearts.

Zatanna – Cute and awesome, a con without a Zatanna is like a day without sunshine. Or like a Nuv article without spelling and grammatical errors. Go fishnets!

THE. END. (Whew.) Y’all get home safe now, y’hear?

– The Explosivos

Billy Fowler’s Nightcrawler – I was lucky enough to pick up this rad-ass print by a rad-ass artist. Check out Billy’s website and be amazed!

Brian Buccellato’s Lady Blackhawk – Best known as the colourist on Francis Manapul’s The Flash, Buccellato has some artistic chops of his own. Check it out!

Cat Farris‘ Portal – For the cake-loving puzzle solvers in all of us.

Christopher Uminga’s Batgirl – Cassandra Cain was the most bad-ass Batgirl ever to wear the uniform. Venus managed to get this amazing commission during the Saturday madness.

Dean Trippe’s Supergirl – I had this image as a computer wallpaper for a long time before I found out who did the art. Lucky for me I was able to get a nice print from the man himself!

Dustin Nguyen’s Lady Blackhawk – Nguyen was swamped for three days and still signed and sketched for almost anyone who asked. I’m super-glad Venus asked.

Francis Manapul & Brian Buccellato’s Wonder Woman – Venus not only got Francis Manapul to sketch her a Wonder Woman, she also got Brian Buccellato to colour it. PSYCHIC POWERS OF PERSUASION.

Greg Capullo’s Scarecrow – I managed to score a copy of this Greg Capullo print for Numbnuts on Saturday. Capullo was all “This Nuv guy sounds like a giant idiot.” Right you are, Greg! *

* Legal counsel for the site (A.T. the Bartender) has advised me to put in small-print that the above misquote, despite its absolute truth, is a shameless and wholly fabricated libel intended to disparage the character and ruin the already-questionable reputation of said “giant idiot.”

Katie Cook’s Birds of Prey, Min-Ian, Mini-Venus – I almost died…OF CUTENESS! Venus’ Birds of Prey commission theme is basically the best idea since… ever. And since Katie does $5 sketch cards of anything you want, Venus got her to do us blowing stuff up in our respective trades.

Kelly Sue DeConnick & Phil Noto’s Ghost – I’d been meaning to read Image’s Ghost for a while now, and with a new series starting soon (DeConnick writing, Noto drawing) it’s a great jumping on point.

Marcus To’s Batgirls – Marcus To really kicked ass on the 6-issue Huntress series that just wrapped up, so we were pretty stoked to see him (and his awesome prints) at ECCC 2012.

Matt Wagner’s Lady Blackhawk – Venus’ final commission of the con, the icing on the cake, and Wagner absolutely NAILED IT. A great way to get rid of those pesky American greenbacks before heading home.

Phil Noto’s Daenerys Targaryen – We love Game of Thrones almost as much as we love Phil Noto’s art. Venus picked up this print and now all I can do is listen to “Hey Jealousy” by the Gin Blossoms on repeat.

Phil Noto’s Lady Blackhawk – Venus paid for a black-and-white commission and Noto coloured it for free by accident. It’s unexpected raddities like this that makes a great con extraordinary!

Tim Sale’s Cassandra Cain Batgirl – Venus always manages to snag a fast-pass commission from Tim Sale and once again he totally rocked it for her.

Stay tuned for THE SECOND INSTALMENT of our photo gallery of con-goodness! Coming up in the next article: Cosplay!

– The Explosivos

Sunday: Day Three

The third and final day of con. The day to sleep in, leisurely collect your loot, rejoice in your spoils, and make a clean getaway. Sunday is the day of ease. The day of rewards. Treasures to behold! Remember to bring a portfolio when you pick up your commissions to safely stow your newly acquired gems. Sunday truly is the most relaxed day of the three. You can show up later, stay for as long as you want and leave when you like, secure in the knowledge that you squeezed everything you wanted out of this weekend. We actually ended up staying for almost the entire day because of several opportunities (including one of the Best Of’s below) which were NOT to be missed!

Best Con Oops!: Phil Noto – The Zinda Blake Colouring Incident

VENUS: The first day of ECCC I always head to Tim Sale’s table. But Ian’s priorities change each year, depending on who’s in attendance. This year after learning that his #1 priority (Greg Capullo) was running behind, Ian rushed over to Phil Noto’s table to secure a Lady Blackhawk commission for me. (Best husband ever.) We initially agreed on a Saturday morning pick up, which ended up being postponed a day.

On Sunday morning we headed back to Phil’s table. He started off by saying he had woken up crazy early to finish my piece, but that he’d made a mistake. My heart sank as I fake-smile/winced in anticipation of the bad news to come. Turns out he accidentally coloured my commission (worth $200) when we had originally agreed on a greyscale (for $100). As a result I got an amazing, coloured Lady Blackhawk for half the price. Bad news for Phil, great news for me!

Best Looking Table: Jaime S. Rich & Joëlle Jones

VENUS: This is consistent year after year. Joëlle Jones is THE cutest lady! And Jaime is always well dressed and smiling. Both are gracious and lovely people, not to mention they had a table full of comic goodies and prints. A great table I visited several times, and definitely the easiest on the eyes.

IAN: I agree. Rich and Jones (a redhead this year!) always have their shit TO-GE-THER. They’d better keep bringing their A-game though, because power-couple Matt Fraction and Kelly Sue DeConnick are rocking an adorable retro-hipster chic that is just SO in this season!

Best Last-Minute Commission: Matt Wagner – Lady Blackhawk

VENUS: My loose ends at ECCC always involve stray comics sans signatures and on Sunday, Matt Wagner was the last signature I needed to get on some Madame Xanadu comics he’d written. When we visited his table, I learned that he’s a kick-ass artist as well! Ian warned that I would have a void in my Lady Blackhawk commission collection if I missed the opportunity to get one done my Mr. Wagner. Boy, was he right about that! We pooled our few remaining Andrew Jacksons for this one last commission and it was the complete opposite of regrettable. Yes!

IAN: Yeah, heading home from a comic-con with more than $20 in your wallet is nothing short of complete failure. Matt Wagner, a genius with red and black, absolutely killed it for Venus at the end of the show.

Best Hustler: Greg Horn

IAN: I’ve never seen someone work a convention like Greg Horn. He’s like Vince the Slap-Chop guy and Billy Mays combined, only not a convicted felon (that I know of) and not dead. I wouldn’t be surprised if Horn made more money than any other creator at that con.

VENUS: There was a crowd around Greg Horn’s table the entire weekend. Smack in the middle of it, Greg was there answering questions and signing comics all while selling and promoting his prints. He seemed happy, tireless and successful, earning him the title of Best Hustler.

Most Elusive: Kelly Sue DeConnick

IAN: I think we rolled by the Fraction / DeConnick table around ten times looking for Kelly Sue before we finally tracked her down. It was worth it though. She’s a funny lady with great stories to tell (ask her about Walt Simonson sometime) and more than happy to sign books and talk about her upcoming projects Captain Marvel and Ghost.

VENUS: She slipped through our grasp on every attempt until the very end. But our efforts were totally worth it. What a doll!

Best Hair: Francis Manapul

IAN: We’d been hearing about Manapul’s coif all con. Declarations of “Did you see Manapul’s hair?! It’s a REVELATION!” abounded. Well, we had to see it for ourselves. Lo and behold, it was everything we’d been hearing and so much more.

VENUS: Dude can draw, AND rock that ‘do.

Best Hug: Tim Sale

IAN: It was awesome. Right in the middle of Sale’s panel he pauses, looks over at Venus and goes “Hi Venus!” Totally rad. Well, I could lose my wife to worse people, you know? LOL!

VENUS: Best hug ever! Thanks to Tim Sale for my awesome Cassandra Cain Batgirl fast-pass. Squee!

And that’s it folks! Emerald City Comic-Con 2012 all wrapped up! We came, we saw, we’ll be eating Kraft Dinner for a month to pay for it all!

Stay tuned for our photo gallery of con-goodness, coming up in the next article!

– The Explosivos

Saturday: Day 2

After all of the solid ground work laid on Friday, day two of the heist is very simple. Start early and stay cool. Saturday is the busiest day of the con. This means you will have to get an early start to optimize your time spent on the con floor. If you were unable to get on a commission list on Friday, or need to endure an exceptionally long line, this early start will be your second chance. Most jokers (cosplay and layman alike) will only show up for the one day. People will quickly and steadily trickle in and by lunch time you will be doing the slow, annoying, unproductive herd shuffle with everyone else. When moving through the Saturday crowd becomes a futile attempt, grab some grub and regroup.

The afternoon is when the floor is at its busiest. It is also when the most interesting panels are being held. Pick a few to sit in on and enjoy learning more about your favourite comic creators, writers and artists all while luxuriating in your own, non-sweaty personal space. Towards the end of the day, the convention floor will be thinned out considerably and if you have any easy loose ends you can tie ‘em up now, before leaving for the day.

Best Panel: Tim Sale

VENUS: It’s always nice to see Tim Sale at a panel. During the convention, Tim endures hour after hour at his table drawing and signing for fans, which means minimal time for chit chat or fielding questions. (Although he will graciously accept any gifts fans may have for him.) At his Saturday spotlight panel Tim took the time to speak directly with his fans. A lot of people asked questions or made comments that I hadn’t thought of which made it all the more interesting! For those of you wondering, the Mariners super-fan does indeed have stuff on-deck and in the bullpen. Captain America: White will be completed (another two issues have recently been turned in), as well as creator-owned, noir-style projects are what we’ll be seeing from him in the future. He voiced a weariness of the superhero genre (save the World’s Greatest Detective) and a preference for ‘girls in the rain’ when asked about the commissions he likes doing best.

IAN: Yeah, Tim’s table is always a first-stop as soon as the convention doors open. Mostly because we love the guy and consider him a friend, but also because if you want your name on the very small fast-pass commission list, you pretty much have to commit crimes against humanity to get to his table first. Luckily Venus is the Katniss of ECCC, so it’s rarely a problem. Timely Hunger Games reference, you guys!

Anyway, see the rad-ass Catwoman: When in Rome pillow he’s holding in the picture above? Venus knitted that just for him! Check this out if you want to see the process!

Best Print Bought by Ian: Billy Fowler – Nightcrawler

IAN: A big part of my con experience is wandering around looking at everyone’s prints and buying the ones that really jump out. It doesn’t really matter whether the artist is a big name or not, only that the art rules. Of all the pieces I picked up last year, the hands-down winner was Nathan Fox’s Kitty Pryde…

This year that title was taken by Billy Fowler’s Nightcrawler. Man, I saw this print from across the convention floor and trampled at least four children and an old lady to buy it. In my defence, somebody probably would have trampled those children (and the old lady) anyway.

Behold! And then avert your eyes and die thou of jealousy!

Best Print Bought by Venus: Phil Noto – Daenerys Targaryen

VENUS: If you are not watching Game of Thrones you are not worthy. Daenerys Targaryen is the last of the Targaryen lineage and the Dragon’s Daughter. I can’t say anymore without it being a spoiler so justwatchthedamnshoworreadthebooksalready. Phil Noto also wins for Best Likenesses.

IAN: Phil Noto also wins for being a super nice guy. We wandered over to his table a couple of times over the course of the weekend and he maintained a real friendliness all three days despite being consistently swamped with people. Note to self, though. If you want one of his prints, be sure not to “think about it” and “come back later.” YOU WILL BE SORRY!

Best Shredder: This guy.

VENUS: AKA The Fattest Shredder AKA The Only Shredder at ECCC.

IAN: I just…I don’t…I mean what the…and why?

Most Authentic Cosplay: Power Girl

IAN: More proof that I married the right woman. I didn’t even see this Power Girl until Venus grabbed me and yelled “LOOK! LOOK!” and look I did. Ha ha by gosh did I ever.

VENUS: You mean, Most “Authentic” Cosplay. With quotation marks. As in “those are not real.”

IAN: They’re NOT?!

Nerdiest Moment: The Cat Farris Portal Print Incident

VENUS: It’s the girl from Portal, sitting on a companion cube, eating the cake, which was NOT a lie. OMG NERD SQUEEEE. P.S. There were 2 girls in Portal cosplay at ECCC this year, complete with portal gun.

IAN: Yeah, you went nuts when you saw this print! I didn’t even know the amazing Cat Farris was attending this year.

Best Lunch Date: Jason Copland

IAN: Of all the things that we might-or-might-not do during ECCC, going for lunch with Jason Copland is an absolute must. Good laughs, good burgers, and for an hour or so Venus and I get a break from the crowds (and our wallets get a break from being emptied). With new projects in the works for Image and [REDACTED BY TIPPER GORE] our pal Jason is going places in this industry and we couldn’t be more stoked to ride his coattails all the way to greatness.

VENUS: Going for burgers with Jason! Talking con and getting some inside gossip! Piercing blue eyes! French fries!

Stay tuned for our third and final instalment of the Emerald City Comic-Con coverage! And then A BITCHIN’ PHOTO, PRINT, AND COMMISSION GALLERY TO FOLLOW!

– The Explosivos

Friday: Day 1

2012 was a great year for commissions. You never know for certain going into a Comic-con, that’s why you need a game plan. Here, we will give you the run-down of an efficient, effective, 3-day heist at Emerald City.

Friday: Day One

Don’t kid yourself, you need this extra day. In 2011, the Emerald City Comic Convention (ECCC) added on an extra day to better handle the growing crowds. Most con-goers only attend on Saturday which makes them suckers. They are under extreme pressure, limited time and at the mercy of the masses to get whatever it is they want to get done.

The first day of the con is where almost all of the heavy lifting gets done. It’s the time to case the joint and lay the groundwork for the rest of the weekend. Once you have your map of the con floor in hand, along with the list of guests in attendance, you can start to prioritize.

If you favour collecting commissions from artists, today is the day to see all of them. Most attendees have one or two big names on their list so those big names will be the people to see first. Their commission lists fill up within the first 5 minutes of the day so it’s best to make haste to their table. You can swing by your lesser known favourites later to get on their lists. If you don’t make it onto a list the first day, most artists take names at the start of each day so you still have 2 days left to make it happen.

Once you are on a few lists, you can take the time to decide who else you’d like to see and what else you’d like to do while you eagerly await for those soon-to-be-had commission pieces. You know who to see later and if you’ve got some comics that need signing then you have time to get into some lines.

It’s the same deal if your poison is collecting signatures from the big names. The big names almost always have big lines, are not always at their tables and have engagements other than signing all day. They speak on panels, they go for lunch, they nurse hangovers, they hang around with other big names. The sooner you get into that line, the sooner you get out.

It’s actually surprising how much you will get done your first day, and this will be of great comfort come the maelstrom known as Saturday…

More on how to thrive at ECCC in the next two articles. And now, THE AWARDS!

Best Man-Crush: Ian and Brian Wood

IAN: For years there have been two creators I’ve always wanted to meet. One is Darwyn Cooke (which will never happen because he doesn’t exist) and the other is Brian Wood. If you’ve been reading my critically acclaimed articles for the past couple of years, you know that I pine for anything new to come out of Wood’s brain. From Demo to Local to DMZ to Northlanders, I’ve bought it all and I’ve loved it all. And now I’m all about The Massive and Conan: Queen of the Black Coast, his two new books that I love more than I could ever love a human child.

Meeting Brian Wood on Friday was one of the most stressful things I’ve ever done at a con. For one thing, there’s always the chance the person you’re going to see will be a complete jack-ass. You know, the whole “you should never meet your heroes” thing. The other concern being that I tend to get all flustered and jabber on like an idiot when talking to someone whose work I really respect (various strippers). Brian Wood, though, is one cool cat. He was happy to stand and talk to anyone who came by and I had a really nice conversation with him about how sad I was that Northlanders is ending. I actually told him I could cry when I think about how the next issue will be the last. “Buck up, my new best friend,” said Wood, but not really. What he really said was that after the first Conan arc, he’s pretty much going to do whatever he wants with the book. NICE! And he also assured me that he’s putting everything he’s got into his creator-owned series The Massive. I would expect nothing less! Brian Wood, I salute you!

Best Girl-Crush: Venus and Gail Simone

VENUS: I. Heart. Gail Simone. The first time I met her was at ECCC 2008. I got to see her again this year and it kicked ass. She is a sweetheart, she’s smart and she is very passionate about her work. During her ECCC Spotlight panel she divulged that when she was writing for Wonder Woman, it took her eight months of preparation before she wrote a single thing . Eight months because she wanted to get it right, she wanted to do it well and she didn’t want to let the fans down. She also loves to take a lesser known character (like all of the Secret Six) and make it her own. She’s funny as hell, she likes to see what she can get away with and she doesn’t like to be made to kill off characters (like Knockout). I saw her several times over the weekend and she was warm and inviting every time. Gail Simone is a champ in the world of comic book writers and if you get the chance you should definitely go talk to her, or just listen to her talk.

Nicest Dude at the Con: Greg Capullo

IAN: Seriously, he’s so nice he GAVE AWAY the kick-your-dick-off Scarecrow print below to the first 200 people to hit his table. Good thing I was one of ‘em…

…too bad that SCUMBAG Nuv has my ENTIRE Brian Wood collection hostage! (You win this round, asshat, but if you harm ONE PANEL of those comics I will give you a death-enema with a rake!) Ahem, back to somebody that isn’t pure douche…

If you’re not following Greg Capullo on Twitter, you should. He’s the nicest and most humble guy around. Seriously, the guy is like my buddies at work. Laid-back, good natured, foul-mouthed and awesome. And you know what? That’s exactly how he is in real life too. Despite having huge lines all three days, Capullo got up out of his chair and shook hands with every person who came up to his table, asking them their names, asking them if they were having a good time at the show, and generally palling around with everybody. He’s one of the biggest and most celebrated creators in the comics industry, but you’d never know it from talking to the guy. I told him that I’d never been a committed Batman fan until I started reading his book and he asked me what I normally read. When I told him I’d been a Marvel fan for most of my life he said he was the same, and that he never expected he’d be drawing a Batman book. That kind of personal one-on-one, even if it lasts less than a minute, is the reason fans go to conventions and come home excited about comics. You know, there was a really great feel to the convention this year, and it’s a great roster of people like Greg Capullo and Gail Simone that made that happen.

Most Improved Couple: Terry and Rachel Dodson

VENUS: We met the Dodson’s last year and it was a bit anticlimactic, to our surprise. They seemed grumpy in general and unimpressed by the fact that they were at the convention. Comments were barely acknowledged and any exchanges were very short. This year they surprised us again! Both Terry and Rachel were sunny and smiley, friendly (if a little worn out from the busy weekend) and appreciative of their fans. We ended up stopping by their table a few times and even got a quick picture of the two. Whatever was going wrong last year for the Dodson’s? Gone and good riddance!

IAN: Yeah, it just goes to show that you can’t judge people based on a minute-or-two of knowing them. Who knew? The important thing is that we got two different limited-edition prints from the Dodsons, who are now our friends for life. Also, if everyone had as many freckles on their arms as Rachel has, the world would be a much better place.

Best Driver: Ian

VENUS: AKA the only driver. He laughed, he cried, he fell asleep at the wheel and gave a great air guitar solo. All while doing 120km/h in the trusty Tercedes and on the I-5. The best part? We got there in one piece.

IAN: Actually the best part is that I was driving away from NUV.

Stay tuned for more of our ECCC 2012 coverage!

– The Explosivos

Are you ready?

After a gruesome little bump in the road (the never-to-be-mentioned again OMAC crossover issue) Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E. came roaring back with issue no. 6. I’m really glad I didn’t let that last issue sour me on this book because the new arc has started off fantastically. Here’s hoping DC doesn’t cancel the title and pander to people like Nuv who have no respect for great comics. Or fashion.

Or bestiality laws.

This just in! The award for Most Beautiful (Despite Being Ultra-Boring to Read) Comic goes to… WHAT? A TIE?! That’s right! Our readers voted to break the trophy in two and give half to The Flash and half to Batwoman. Francis Manapul and J.H. Williams III keep rockin’ it! But Francis Manapul and J.H. Williams III, maybe you guys should hand the writing reins to actual writers like Johns and Rucka respectively?

Fr-ick!

A couple of weeks ago I finally got the first issues of Brian Wood’s The Massive and Conan: Queen of the Black Coast in my grubby little hands and guess what? Even though I’ve been stoked about these books for MONTHS leading up to their release, I still haven’t read either one. Remember at the end of Fanboys, when they’re all in the theatre to see The Phantom Menace and Eric says “What if the movie sucks?” It’s kinda like that. Expect a full review soon though!

UPDATE / PREVIEW: THEY BOTH RULE!!!

Nuv: Okay, hold the fuckin’ phone Warwick! I was gonna stay out of your misinformed mess of an article, but enough is enough. You have the nerve to call The Flash BORING, and you like the comic that sits NEXT to that word in the dictionary?! DOUBLE-NOPE!! Fuck outta the way, while I tell ‘em what’s really what.

People, people. Ignore this dick-kabob. ‘The Massive,’ despite what its title would have you believe, is not about my penis. It is not going to wow you the first time you lay eyes on it, nor has it been previously enjoyed by your girlfriend. No, I’m afraid it’s more like Ian’s wee wee-wee, and as such, any of the following would be more apt titles: The Miniscule; The Mediocre-at-best; The Miscoloured. Oh, and just like with Ian’s peen, it ends quickly and doesn’t get the job done. Meanwhile, in Batwoman and The Flash, you have drop dead GORGEOUS artwork and some of the most innovative layouts and panel-to-panel storytelling in comics. AND in The Flash, you also get surprisingly sharp stories that move at a breakneck speed (appropriate, considering the protagonist) and all from a first-time artist/writer. There’s so much going on, on every page with both art and story, and it never once gets confusing. It does beg to be looked at with long (and longing) stares repeatedly. See for yourself! (Click to enlarge)

LOOKATTHATSHIT!! Maybe they should call THIS comic The Nuv-Dick! And maybe you should call it quits, Bushwick. (Huh. Two midget references, two names ending in ‘Wick.’ I wonder if it’s a suffix given only to the most important of midgets.) You clearly have lost what little bit of grey matter you and the Gallaghers didn’t emo right outta there.

Ian: WHOA WHOA WHOA! Everyone is all up in Brubaker’s business all “Incognito! Fatale! We want more crime comics!” but most people don’t realize that Mike Mignola is killing it too with his new Lobster Johnson mini-series The Burning Hand! The writing is fun and Johnson’s dialogue is the very essence of pulp fiction. Nuv, on the other hand, is the very essence of dumpster hobo. And I don’t know where artist Tonci Zonjic came from, but his super-fresh art style has found a home in my heart for sure. I can only hope one day Nuv finds a home on the Missing Persons cork board at the Post Office.

Well, after six months of waffling, I’ve finally decided to add I, Vampire to my pull list. Every month I pick it off the shelf, flip through the pages and then carry it to the till. Every month! But Andrea Sorrentino has consistently turned in beautiful art for the last six months, so I’m officially on board for as long as he is. Also, there are guest cameos by John Constantine and Batman which is both a) a shameless gimmick by DC to get superhero readers to pick it up and b) forgivable because Joshua Hale Fialkov is a good writer and makes it work.

Did you see the first couple of episodes of Kevin Smith’s reality show Comic Book Men? I don’t think the show is gonna fly because the guys who work in his store are a pack of a-holes. If I wanted to spend time with a pack of a-holes, I’d go over to Nuv’s house where I can at least mooch free coke (yes, THAT coke) and steal things. Kevin Smith, I love ya but you’re getting difficult to defend anymore.

But wait, there’s more to talk about!

Brian Michael Bendis is only writing two good books anymore amirite? The entertaining but perpetually late Scarlet and Marvel’s newly-canceled Moon Knight. Moon Knight was a fun book from the get-go but the last issue (No. 9) was extraordinary. They’d been playing with Marc Spector’s schizophrenia (he thinks he’s either talking to or actually IS Captain America, Spider-Man and Wolverine throughout). But in the last issue the book took a hard shift in tone, things got super heavy and as a result it was one of the best books to come out that month. It’s just a shame that the title is getting the axe with issue 12. I think if Bendis had spent a little less time on the set-up and more time on the results and aftermath of Marc’s breakdown, the book would have flourished with the readers. Oh well, what can you do?

And, as always, in summation, if you’re still not reading Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo’s Batman, you’re still doing it wrong. Wronger than Nuv and Kev’s taste in comics combined! Issue six just dropped and it’s RIDICULOUSLY AMAZING so go buy it like crazy!

Nuv: YEP! While Scarlet sucks post-punk, faux-hawked, tofu dinky, Batman kicks your teeth straight down your throat with each and every issue and has you coming back for more, making “fell down the stairs” excuses in it’s defense, all 1950s-wife style and shit. Pretty much the only thing me and this crowhole are ALWAYS in agreement on: If you aren’t buying Batman, you’s a buster-ass, fool-ass, punk-ass, trick-ass bee-itch!

Alright, Kev. Sorry, I couldn’t avoid telling Ian he’s a fucktard. But hey champ, don’t fret! I didn’t forget that you wanted me to recommend some stuff to read that isn’t shitty, so PRESTO! Here’s a list of ten, no frills, no gimmicks, no Ian. Open wide! Here comes the airplane:

Batman • See above.
Justice League • Everything that made me fall in love with superhero comics as a kid, but modernized. Every issue feels like a summer blockbuster.
PunisherMAX • Every week that it came out, I would save this for last. And every issue I read would be accompanied by the sounds of me yelling “HOO-OO-WHA-A-A-TTHEFUUUUH?!” and “HOOO-O-O-LYSHIIIIT!!” out loud in equal doses, coupled with the clap+stomp of disbelief. I saved it for last because I knew, NO other comic in that pile was gonna top this. Or more accurately, sink to these depths. This is HBO’s Punisher: dirty, depraved, violent and brimming with cusswords. There’s an honest-to-goodness PUKE-FIGHT!! What more could you ask for?! It’s done now (RIP) so you can read the whole shit at once!
Uncanny X-Force • The writing and art on this absolutely floored me every single issue. Exciting, epic, grizzly, utterly unique and, well, uncanny. X-Force stands alone, and pisses on Liefeld’s grave.
Loose Ends • Southern crime-romance by way of Tarantino. The writing (by a phenomenal artist) on this was awesome! The art (by a different phenomenal artist) was stunning. The colours? Holy shit, the colours! I think they slid acid in the ink or some shit! Mind-boggling! Even the format of the comic itself is slick as Rick. 3 issues out, one to come. Loose Ends, you sultry bitch. I’ll hate to see you go, but I’ll love to watch you leave.
Criminal: The Last of the Innocent • Not buying the best Criminal series yet would be the true crime. Click here for the preview and peep away, pervert!
The Strange Talent of Luther Strode • Remember those old Charles Atlas ads in the backs of comics when we were kids? Imagine if they worked. Now take what you imagined and make it 1,000 times funnier and 1,000,000 times more ultra-violent! So, basically, it’s Ian’s complexion. (Fuck it! I had to slide ONE in there.)
Butcher Baker, The Righteous Maker • Pop-smut madness! The art is insanely brilliant, the story is brilliantly insane! Oh, and I haven’t even told you about the fucking TRUCK yet…
THE GHOST OF COMICS PAST: Umbrella Academy • These have actually been out for a few years, but I never go longer than a few months without re-reading them.
THE GHOST OF COMICS FUTURE: Parker: The Score • Scripts as ice cold as the main character and innovative illustration as intricate as the heists he pulls come together to form these graphic masterpieces. No surprise, considering Darwyn Cooke is a graphic master. The Hunter was great. The Outfit was the best thing published in 2010. The Score hits shelves (between the eyes, no doubt) this May.

How was that, princess? Bolded and colour-coded all pretty, just the way you like it! Alright, lights out now pumpkin. It’s way past your bed time. Daddy’s gotta go chase down Ian-wick and continue rubbing his nose in this Massive shit he just took on Daddy’s website. It’s the only way he’ll learn…

Sweet dreams, bitches!

– The Big Two

Top Ten Things You Missed in the First Five Issues!

No. 10 – Batman Fist-Fights His Entire Rogues Gallery

Both Paul Jenkins and Scott Snyder opted to open their books with a crazy rogues-gallery-on-the-loose scene. The difference being that Snyder wrote it better and Capullo drew it better than David Finch. Mr. Freeze and Clayface look amazing and Two-Face is super gruesome! Nothing beats how rad Killer Croc looks and when Batman boots his knee in, well, that’s just the icing on the cake. GOLD!

No. 9 – Batman Gets High (So High)

From the opening alley-fight to the Batcave, most of the first issue is super confined. Near the end though, Snyder gets Batman swinging up over Gotham and it’s really the first scene where you see what Capullo is capable of. People were worried that he’d go too over the top with a ridiculously long cape (like in Spawn) but he restrains himself. The care taken in choosing a great angle – and the inclusion of some well placed bats – make this a beautifully dynamic page.

No. 8 – Helicopter Smashed-In Motorcycle Jump

Too many writers focus on Batman the angry, broody nutcase. Snyder, on the other hand, has really played up the stuntman adventurer and it’s made the flagship Batman title infinitely more thrilling to read than any of the other three. Case in point: Issue #2 where Batman launches his motorcycle from the top of a train into the front of a helicopter. BAD ASS.

No. 7 – The Sad Tale of Alan Wayne

Early in the re-launch, Scott Snyder said his main goal was to drag Bruce Wayne from a place of comfort and confidence into the gutter of paranoia. The first time we see this is when he begins to realize that not only could the Court of Owls exist, but they may have been tormenting the entire city (including the Wayne family) for generations.

No. 6 – Those Sneaky Bastards!

Oh WHAT?! Not only do the Court of Owls exist, they’ve been occupying secret floors in all the Wayne buildings all over town for decades. Yeesh.

No. 5 – SHA-SHA-SHAKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!

I’m a sucker for a great explosion and man, does Greg Capullo ever deliver a great one at the start of issue #4. Batman looks pissed right off as he flies through the air, and how cool is Snyder’s narration? “Most people assume the danger of a trip-wire lies in the blast. Not so. The real threat from a tripwire comes later…in the aftermath. The truth is, a trip-wire is a greater instrument of fear than violence. It demoralizes and terrorizes everyone in range, suggesting that the enemy knows the terrain better than you do, that this is their home, and they’re everywhere at once… ” Epic.

No. 4 – Bruce Wayne, Boy Detective

There’s a great aside in the fourth issue where Bruce (still in denial) tells Dick he knows for a fact that the Court of Owls never existed because he investigated them himself, as a child. Then the story cuts to a cool flashback of Lil’ Bruce, after his parents death, investigating the rumour of the Court to see if they had anything to do with his regrettable orphanization. Not a real word Microsoft Word? Whatever!

No. 3 – Bruce Through the Looking Glass (Or, As it Turns Out, Wall)

I guess it’s kind of hard to keep denying the Court when their Big Bad aka The Talon successfully stalks you through the sewers like a punk and puts your ass through a wall. Plus while you were flailing around he stole your utility belt like he was taking candy from a baby. Embarrassing! Also, you know I like a lot of black in my comic books. Batman stories should have a lot of shadow, and Capullo keeps it BLACK and makes sure that his readers get shoved down the well with their hero.

No.2 – That Creepy Goddamned Eyeball!

The fifth issue finds Batman trapped in a labyrinth for days, wrecked on drugged water and tormented by room after room of light he can’t hide or sleep in. The pages rotate willy-nilly throughout the issue setting up a very creepy experience for character and reader alike. What’s really creepy, though, was the decision of Snyder and Capullo to bust out one of Batman’s eye covers and leave one crazed eye exposed all issue. It’s a trick we’ve all seen a bunch of times with Spider-Man, but there’s something so alarming about it happening to Batman. Eerie, unsettling and awesome.

No. 1 – The Best Cliffhangers Since the Movie Cliffhanger

Apparently Scott Snyder is a huge fan of Stephen King and it really shows in the way he ends almost every issue with a big fat cliffhanger. King ends almost all of his chapters with a shock too, and the next thing you know you’ve been up all night reading friggin’ Cujo or whatever. Anyway cliffhangers done properly are one of the most entertaining literary devices going, and at this point it’s safe to say Scott Snyder is doing it TOTALLY RIGHT. Did you enjoy watching the Court of Owls torment poor ol’ Batman to the point of insanity? No? Okay, well now we’re just going to stab the crap out of him and leave you hanging for a month. Sound good? JESUS SNYDER!

And that’s it! Another bad-ass top-ten list courtesy of a guy who loves making lists about comics instead of writing real articles on meaningful topics. But hey, it sure-as-shit beats all this football talk. Amirite? Batman #6 comes out in two weeks!

Put one in the air!

– Ian

While knee-jerk reactions about fucking with a classic will cause an internet fanboy apocalypse, the controversy/curiosity will result in much wanted attention and boatloads of money for an industry that doesn’t generate enough of either. For those that are offended by this project, the solution is simple: DON’T BUY IT. For those that feel this will sully the original: DON’T READ IT. I have a friend who every time he watches the movie Heat [SPOILER ALERT, THOUGH IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HEAT YET, ALLOW ME THIS OPPORTUNITY TO REQUEST THAT YOU EAT SOME SHIT] stops it before DeNiro gets killed, because he wants him to get away and has convinced himself that’s where the movie ends. Weird as fuck? Yes! Does it provide him with a more pleasant existence? Yes! Ignore this comic if you’re not feelin’ it. Let your money do the talking instead of your keyboard. DC doesn’t give a shit what mom basements the world over think about this.

On The One Hand: Godfather II. On The Other Hand: Phantom Menace…

Me? I may be setting myself up for disappointment, and maybe I’ll get fuckin’ Jar Jar Binks and Jake Lloyd and 'I'm a person and my name is Anakin!' and all that shit.»  Or maybe I’ll get Pacino and De Niro, and flashbacks to young Vito Corleone’s revenge on Black Hand gangster Fanucci, and “I knew it was you, Fredo.”

Train wreck money grab or masterpiece sequel, either way? These books are gonna be some sexy motherfuckers! Just LOOK at the creative teams below…

BEFORE WATCHMEN

RORSCHACH (4 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: Lee Bermejo

MINUTEMEN (6 issues) – Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

COMEDIAN (6 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: J.G. Jones

DR. MANHATTAN (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artist: Adam Hughes

NITE OWL (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artists: Andy and Joe Kubert

OZYMANDIAS (6 issues) – Writer: Len Wein. Artist: Jae Lee

SILK SPECTRE (4 issues) – Writer: Darwyn Cooke. Artist: Amanda Conner

Each week, a new issue will be released, and will feature a two-page back-up story called CURSE OF THE CRIMSON CORSAIR, written by original series editor Len Wein and with art by original series colorist John Higgins. There will also be a single issue, BEFORE WATCHMEN: EPILOGUE, featuring the work of various writers and artists, and a CRIMSON CORSAIR story by Wein and Higgins.

Darwyn Cooke! J.G. Jones! Jae Lee! Lee Bermejo! TWO motherfuckin’ Kuberts!!! Sheeee-it, son!! Even Micro-nuts himself, Ian, is bound to be down with Cooke, Amanda Conner and Adam Hughes on board!

I’m in, DC. Don’t fuck it up. EVERYBODY’S Watching…

– Nuv

Nuv: I commissioned Romita Jr. to do ten prints of you getting kill-fucked by the shit-monster from Weird Science (aka Bill Paxton) your mom (aka Bill Paxton). They’re being hung up on your wall high enough so you can’t reach them (6″ off the ground) as we speak.

Ian: Ian intro (done) Nuv wasting time and air (yep) and: Let’s do this!

Arthur “Art” Adams – Scarlet Witch

Ian: With an ever-changing sense of design, Art Adams has been an innovator in the comics industry since the mid-eighties. While a lot of his contemporaries (Rob Liefeld, Erik Larsen, etc.) fell into the trap of sticking to the ridiculously outdated look of the 1990’s, Adams paid tribute to pin-up artists of the past while pioneering his own style and producing some of the most beautiful cover work in comics today. Case in point, Wanda’s extraordinary rack from the cover of Avengers: The Children’s Crusade No. 3. Yowza!

Stanley “Artgerm” Lau – Mina Harker

Ian: According to Artgerm’s deviantArt, he did this sketch of Mina Harker (from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) at five in the morning in 45 minutes. If that doesn’t blow your mind, nothing will. Also, Mina Harker is my second-favourite character in Alan Moore’s best work (coming in just behind Captain Nemo). What do you got to say about that, Nuv “Pubegerm” Takhar?

Nuv: Nothing much. I won’t mention that a LOT of characters cum in just behind you. No need. My next choice will piss you off on enough levels all by itself…

Frank Quitely – Alan Moore

Nuv: The weird Wiccan writer responsible for arguably the greatest works in the medium, (Watchmen, The Killing Joke, his beard) as depicted by one of the most consistently original, amazing and innovative artists in the medium. From his unique figures to his detailed structures to the interesting framing and masterful pacing of his panel-to-panel storytelling, Frank Quitely is quite frankly 14,000 times the man Ian will ever be. And that’s just in height!

Chris Samnee – Daredevil

Ian: I love Chris Samnee and I love Daredevil and I hate Nuv, and therefore I love this picture. BOOM! DESCRIPTION DONE! In all seriousness though, no one working in the industry can touch what Chris Samnee can do with two-tone, two-dimensional images. Everything he draws is visually unique and this piece (a commission, I think) is no exception.

Cliff Chiang – Felicia Book

Ian: Cliff Chiang’s variant cover for American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest No. 1 is the kind of thing that gets fanboys in a lot of trouble. Generally I steer clear of variants, but this is the kind of image that’ll send a man trolling eBay like he’s Nuv in a tranny shop, and spending more money than he should. And it doesn’t help that vampire hunter Felicia Book is possibly the best character in the whole series.

Cliff Chiang – The DC Runaways

Nuv: “Hello Daddy, Hello Mom!” Cliff reimagines some of DC’s super heroines as the teen-rebel girl group, The Runaways. Also rad? He gets to draw one of them (Wonder Woman) monthly in her ongoing series. It’s less 70s, but no less bad-ass. Cherry!

Rafael Albuquerque – American Vampire 1955

Nuv: The first Rafael on this list, but not the last! Albuquerque’s been a BEAST on AV from day one, but my love of the 1950s made these two covers grab a stake and carve a special place in my heart. Stay gold, Rafael, stay gold.

Darwyn Cooke – Sue Storm

Ian: It probably took Darwyn Cooke less than five minutes to complete this convention sketch, but if he had one, I’d probably give Nuv’s left nut to own it. So that’s how THAT goes.

Francis Manapul – Wonder Woman

Ian: I already wish Manapul was on a book that I cared about and this image just makes it all the worse. As much as I love his art on The Flash, I care about the character about as much as I care about Nuv (not at all) and I’d much rather see him working on something else. For example, how does a guy draw a Wonder Woman pin-up THIS AMAZING and not get handed that book outright?

Nuv: Uhh, ’cause Cliff Chiang’s already killing it on that book. And ’cause Flash is consistently amazing with Manapul at the helm. I think the real question is: how do some people look directly at you without puking outright?!

Ian: Spoken like a true dickhead, Nuv. Touché.

Dustin Harbin – Tyrannosaurus Bats!

Nuv: I purchased Harbin’s “Behold! The Dinosaurs!” for my daughter’s bedroom, and this is the first print that’s gonna go up on my next kid’s wall. Harbin’s art gives me the same feeling I used to get reading Calvin & Hobbes. Spiff!

Andrew Hou – Wolverine

Nuv: Shee-it, we got mo’ dinosaurs than a MU’FUCKER ’round here, pa’tner! This shit is crack to anyone who used to be a 5 year old boy. And choosing to just show the before and after, leaving the actual battle to the imagination? Well played, Andrew!

Henrik Sahlstrom – Lobster Johnson

Ian: Who in the hell is Henrik Sahlstrom? I don’t know either but I hope he makes the CEO’s from Marvel, DC, Dark Horse and Image fist-fight each other to secure his services.

JC Richard – Fortress of Solitude

Nuv: A classy widescreen presentation of Superman’s home in the North Pole, with a barely perceptible red, blue and yellow streak flying off in the upper right corner. Fool them adult motherfuckers with this tasteful, minimalist painting, a grown-up way to display your childish tastes.

Ian: Your mom’s a widescreen presentation.

Jock – Hanna Promo Posters

Ian: I’ve never been very impressed with Jock as an interior artist, but his covers are consistently amazing and so, it would seem, is his corporate ad-work. I loved the movie Hanna, and when I saw that Jock had done a series of Hanna-inspired promo posters, well, like I wish Nuv would do next time he’s near a window, I flipped right out. Great stuff!

Nuv: Nobody’s ever been very impressed with Ian’s jock.

Dan McDaid – Michael Jackson

Nuv: The funk of forty thousand years, bitches! I did a fuckin’ high kick just like Michael when I first laid eyes on this pop masterpiece. (Too bad Ian wasn’t standing in for the other lead in this piece.) McDaid is the correct answer to the question “Who’s Bad?!”

Eric Canete – Luke Cage

Nuv: Sweet Christmas! Ian lost a bet and had to be nice to me for a week. It happened to be a week where he would be attending a comic convention that the inimitable Eric Canete was also attending. BOOM: signed print of Luke Cage fighting three tigers like a BOSS. Paid for by Ian. Enjoyed by Nuv.

Phil Noto – Jean Grey

Ian: Phil Noto is a modern great. Every comic book cover (and interior) he does is extraordinary and I’d honestly buy just about anything he put pencil to. He also maintains two awesome Tumblr pages (1 and 2) where he regularly posts new images that will inspire you to either a) become a better artist or b) quit drawing forever. Why? Because Phil Noto is the king.

Phil Noto – Super(Mad)Man

Nuv: Noto does indeed wield his pencil with an iron fist. I’ve always dug this pic, portraying Mad Men’s Jon Hamm as a commanding, stern-but-just Man of Steel. Anyone who’s heard this dream casting call (including Noto, apparently) agrees that it’s a perfect fit. Like Ian’s mouth and peens.

Ian: And like Nuv’s neck and a noose.

Sam Wolfe Connelly – Nightcrawler

Ian: Sam Wolfe Connelly has a style that will immediately remind you of James Jean and Joao Ruas. You guys, I’m talking about gorgeous graphite and digital colour works! He also has a habit of using Marvel characters as his subjects, which pretty much makes him a genius. Love this Nightcrawler? I knew you would! For more examples, check out his Captain America and Wolverine pieces! Holy smokes!

Rafael Grampa – Batman

Ian: Rafael #2! His last name is fuckin’ GRAMPA! And like most Grampas everything he does is tougher than anything you’ll EVER do. Now get off his damn lawn! Damn kids.

Kagan McLeod – The History of Hip Hop

Nuv: Kagan not only put together the tome of amazingness that is infinite Kung Fu, he not only illustrated a flyer for the Toronto Ghostface Killer show last year that belongs in a fucking museum, he not only seduced your woman with his pen and slapped your little brother with his deadly art hand, he also constructed THE GREATEST POSTER OF ALL TIME! The History of Hip Hop is exactly that: edutainment in the form of the headshots of 469 (!!!) rap icons on one side, facts and recommended listening for every one of ‘em on the reverse, and supreme quality to match the sheer quantity. It ACTUALLY might be bigger than Hip Hop, word to Dead Prez! Kagan was nice enough to sell me a few (so I could frame both sides) AND he even threw in a few extra for YOU crumbs, just ’cause he’s Nicer than Pete! You want one? Here’s how…

All you gotta do is comment below with your own hip hop history. Tell us who the first rapper you remember hearing was, and the one song of theirs you recommend. The first three mofos to do so, WIN THE POSTER FREE OF CHARGE*. Ready, set, SKIP IAN’S PARAGRAPH!
*shipping not included

Ian: Well that’s it for now! But don’t worry folks, my folder of awesome comic book art is huge and my predilection for not writing real articles in a timely manner will ensure that we’ll have plenty more art shows as the year goes on. Think of it as the Review 2 a Kill equivalent of a sitcom clip-show. Except, you know, not sucky to the max.

Put two in the air!

– Ian

Listen you guys, did you watch the premiere of Alcatraz on the Fox television network last Monday? It was a two-hour series premier and, to quote the infamous Venus Toshiba, “IT WAS THE TITS!”

Now, I don’t watch a whole lot of television dramas, but a week ago I saw a commercial for this show and I was all “SWEET BABY! IS THAT DR. ALAN GRANT FROM JURASSIC PARK?!” A lot of people probably tell you that Star Wars was the most influential movie of my youth, but those people don’t know me! Those fools don’t know about my incapacitating love for Jurassic Park AND Sam goddamn Neill! Calming down, I knew that I was going to have to give Alcatraz half a shot because of Sam goddamn Neill alone.

Anyway, what else was I going to watch on Monday nights? Two and a Half Men?! With Ashton Kutcher, Ducky and that kid who used to be cute? FORGET THAT! No, up until this week, my Monday nights were a huge block of free time where I could just sit around after a hard day’s work and ponder how much I hate my job. But how Things. Have. Changed.

I’ve thought about this for at least five minutes and the best way I can describe Alcatraz is that it’s a cross between CSI, Prison Break, Lost and X-Files. And if that don’t get your boat a floatin’, nothing will! The basic premise of the story is that in 1963 all of the prisoners of Alcatraz mysteriously disappeared from their cells. There was a huge cover up (they were said to have been transferred to other prisons) but now one-by-one they’re starting to reappear in the present. And they’re still the same age as they were when they disappeared! And some hidden puppet master is pulling their strings and making them perform tasks. SOMETIMES THOSE TASKS ARE MURDEROUS! Needless to say, the 302 escapees aren’t sticking around the island, and they’re performing some awesome and/or horrible acts now that they’re free.

Sam Neill heads up a shadow-arm of the FBI and has created a four-person task force to recapture the Alcatraz prisoners as they reappear. One prisoner per episode, get it?! Neill plays Emerson Hauser, the leader of the squad and the cute Indian girl from Bend it Like Beckham (Parminder Nagra) is Lucy Banerjee, his right hand. Sarah Jones plays Detective Rebecca Madson, a San Fran cop with a connection to one of the 302. She also plays a super fox, although that may-or-may-not be part of the plot. She recruits the loveable Doc Soto (Jorge Garcia, the chubby dude from Lost) to be her partner because he’s an expert on Alcatraz and therefore all the escapees. Oh, and I can’t even say the name Robert Forster without getting goosebumps, and he’s in it too. So far, best cast ever.

You know what though? I could tell you a lot more about the show, but then it would be Spoiler City. Suffice it to say that Alcatraz has started off at an amazing pace and the performances I’ve seen so far have been very strong. Sam Neill walks the line between grumpy hard-ass and preposterous over-actor so convincingly that every one of his scenes are pure gold. The bodies hit the floor and the blood sprays all over the place and I’m pretty sure this show is going to make its reputation on its refusal to pull punches. Civilians, schma-schmillians. There’s going to be a ton of twists and turns throughout (a replica Alcatraz in the friggin’ woods?!) and if you’re a fan of shows like Lost and the X-Files, this one is going to be right up your alley.

ALCATRAZ! More episodes for my eye-balls tonight! Thanks!

– Ian