Top Ten Things You Missed in the First Five Issues!

No. 10 – Batman Fist-Fights His Entire Rogues Gallery

Both Paul Jenkins and Scott Snyder opted to open their books with a crazy rogues-gallery-on-the-loose scene. The difference being that Snyder wrote it better and Capullo drew it better than David Finch. Mr. Freeze and Clayface look amazing and Two-Face is super gruesome! Nothing beats how rad Killer Croc looks and when Batman boots his knee in, well, that’s just the icing on the cake. GOLD!

No. 9 – Batman Gets High (So High)

From the opening alley-fight to the Batcave, most of the first issue is super confined. Near the end though, Snyder gets Batman swinging up over Gotham and it’s really the first scene where you see what Capullo is capable of. People were worried that he’d go too over the top with a ridiculously long cape (like in Spawn) but he restrains himself. The care taken in choosing a great angle – and the inclusion of some well placed bats – make this a beautifully dynamic page.

No. 8 – Helicopter Smashed-In Motorcycle Jump

Too many writers focus on Batman the angry, broody nutcase. Snyder, on the other hand, has really played up the stuntman adventurer and it’s made the flagship Batman title infinitely more thrilling to read than any of the other three. Case in point: Issue #2 where Batman launches his motorcycle from the top of a train into the front of a helicopter. BAD ASS.

No. 7 – The Sad Tale of Alan Wayne

Early in the re-launch, Scott Snyder said his main goal was to drag Bruce Wayne from a place of comfort and confidence into the gutter of paranoia. The first time we see this is when he begins to realize that not only could the Court of Owls exist, but they may have been tormenting the entire city (including the Wayne family) for generations.

No. 6 – Those Sneaky Bastards!

Oh WHAT?! Not only do the Court of Owls exist, they’ve been occupying secret floors in all the Wayne buildings all over town for decades. Yeesh.

No. 5 – SHA-SHA-SHAKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!

I’m a sucker for a great explosion and man, does Greg Capullo ever deliver a great one at the start of issue #4. Batman looks pissed right off as he flies through the air, and how cool is Snyder’s narration? “Most people assume the danger of a trip-wire lies in the blast. Not so. The real threat from a tripwire comes later…in the aftermath. The truth is, a trip-wire is a greater instrument of fear than violence. It demoralizes and terrorizes everyone in range, suggesting that the enemy knows the terrain better than you do, that this is their home, and they’re everywhere at once… ” Epic.

No. 4 – Bruce Wayne, Boy Detective

There’s a great aside in the fourth issue where Bruce (still in denial) tells Dick he knows for a fact that the Court of Owls never existed because he investigated them himself, as a child. Then the story cuts to a cool flashback of Lil’ Bruce, after his parents death, investigating the rumour of the Court to see if they had anything to do with his regrettable orphanization. Not a real word Microsoft Word? Whatever!

No. 3 – Bruce Through the Looking Glass (Or, As it Turns Out, Wall)

I guess it’s kind of hard to keep denying the Court when their Big Bad aka The Talon successfully stalks you through the sewers like a punk and puts your ass through a wall. Plus while you were flailing around he stole your utility belt like he was taking candy from a baby. Embarrassing! Also, you know I like a lot of black in my comic books. Batman stories should have a lot of shadow, and Capullo keeps it BLACK and makes sure that his readers get shoved down the well with their hero.

No.2 – That Creepy Goddamned Eyeball!

The fifth issue finds Batman trapped in a labyrinth for days, wrecked on drugged water and tormented by room after room of light he can’t hide or sleep in. The pages rotate willy-nilly throughout the issue setting up a very creepy experience for character and reader alike. What’s really creepy, though, was the decision of Snyder and Capullo to bust out one of Batman’s eye covers and leave one crazed eye exposed all issue. It’s a trick we’ve all seen a bunch of times with Spider-Man, but there’s something so alarming about it happening to Batman. Eerie, unsettling and awesome.

No. 1 – The Best Cliffhangers Since the Movie Cliffhanger

Apparently Scott Snyder is a huge fan of Stephen King and it really shows in the way he ends almost every issue with a big fat cliffhanger. King ends almost all of his chapters with a shock too, and the next thing you know you’ve been up all night reading friggin’ Cujo or whatever. Anyway cliffhangers done properly are one of the most entertaining literary devices going, and at this point it’s safe to say Scott Snyder is doing it TOTALLY RIGHT. Did you enjoy watching the Court of Owls torment poor ol’ Batman to the point of insanity? No? Okay, well now we’re just going to stab the crap out of him and leave you hanging for a month. Sound good? JESUS SNYDER!

And that’s it! Another bad-ass top-ten list courtesy of a guy who loves making lists about comics instead of writing real articles on meaningful topics. But hey, it sure-as-shit beats all this football talk. Amirite? Batman #6 comes out in two weeks!

Put one in the air!

– Ian

While knee-jerk reactions about fucking with a classic will cause an internet fanboy apocalypse, the controversy/curiosity will result in much wanted attention and boatloads of money for an industry that doesn’t generate enough of either. For those that are offended by this project, the solution is simple: DON’T BUY IT. For those that feel this will sully the original: DON’T READ IT. I have a friend who every time he watches the movie Heat [SPOILER ALERT, THOUGH IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HEAT YET, ALLOW ME THIS OPPORTUNITY TO REQUEST THAT YOU EAT SOME SHIT] stops it before DeNiro gets killed, because he wants him to get away and has convinced himself that’s where the movie ends. Weird as fuck? Yes! Does it provide him with a more pleasant existence? Yes! Ignore this comic if you’re not feelin’ it. Let your money do the talking instead of your keyboard. DC doesn’t give a shit what mom basements the world over think about this.

On The One Hand: Godfather II. On The Other Hand: Phantom Menace…

Me? I may be setting myself up for disappointment, and maybe I’ll get fuckin’ Jar Jar Binks and Jake Lloyd and 'I'm a person and my name is Anakin!' and all that shit.»  Or maybe I’ll get Pacino and De Niro, and flashbacks to young Vito Corleone’s revenge on Black Hand gangster Fanucci, and “I knew it was you, Fredo.”

Train wreck money grab or masterpiece sequel, either way? These books are gonna be some sexy motherfuckers! Just LOOK at the creative teams below…

BEFORE WATCHMEN

RORSCHACH (4 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: Lee Bermejo

MINUTEMEN (6 issues) – Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

COMEDIAN (6 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: J.G. Jones

DR. MANHATTAN (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artist: Adam Hughes

NITE OWL (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artists: Andy and Joe Kubert

OZYMANDIAS (6 issues) – Writer: Len Wein. Artist: Jae Lee

SILK SPECTRE (4 issues) – Writer: Darwyn Cooke. Artist: Amanda Conner

Each week, a new issue will be released, and will feature a two-page back-up story called CURSE OF THE CRIMSON CORSAIR, written by original series editor Len Wein and with art by original series colorist John Higgins. There will also be a single issue, BEFORE WATCHMEN: EPILOGUE, featuring the work of various writers and artists, and a CRIMSON CORSAIR story by Wein and Higgins.

Darwyn Cooke! J.G. Jones! Jae Lee! Lee Bermejo! TWO motherfuckin’ Kuberts!!! Sheeee-it, son!! Even Micro-nuts himself, Ian, is bound to be down with Cooke, Amanda Conner and Adam Hughes on board!

I’m in, DC. Don’t fuck it up. EVERYBODY’S Watching…

– Nuv

Nuv: I commissioned Romita Jr. to do ten prints of you getting kill-fucked by the shit-monster from Weird Science (aka Bill Paxton) your mom (aka Bill Paxton). They’re being hung up on your wall high enough so you can’t reach them (6″ off the ground) as we speak.

Ian: Ian intro (done) Nuv wasting time and air (yep) and: Let’s do this!

Arthur “Art” Adams – Scarlet Witch

Ian: With an ever-changing sense of design, Art Adams has been an innovator in the comics industry since the mid-eighties. While a lot of his contemporaries (Rob Liefeld, Erik Larsen, etc.) fell into the trap of sticking to the ridiculously outdated look of the 1990’s, Adams paid tribute to pin-up artists of the past while pioneering his own style and producing some of the most beautiful cover work in comics today. Case in point, Wanda’s extraordinary rack from the cover of Avengers: The Children’s Crusade No. 3. Yowza!

Stanley “Artgerm” Lau – Mina Harker

Ian: According to Artgerm’s deviantArt, he did this sketch of Mina Harker (from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) at five in the morning in 45 minutes. If that doesn’t blow your mind, nothing will. Also, Mina Harker is my second-favourite character in Alan Moore’s best work (coming in just behind Captain Nemo). What do you got to say about that, Nuv “Pubegerm” Takhar?

Nuv: Nothing much. I won’t mention that a LOT of characters cum in just behind you. No need. My next choice will piss you off on enough levels all by itself…

Frank Quitely – Alan Moore

Nuv: The weird Wiccan writer responsible for arguably the greatest works in the medium, (Watchmen, The Killing Joke, his beard) as depicted by one of the most consistently original, amazing and innovative artists in the medium. From his unique figures to his detailed structures to the interesting framing and masterful pacing of his panel-to-panel storytelling, Frank Quitely is quite frankly 14,000 times the man Ian will ever be. And that’s just in height!

Chris Samnee – Daredevil

Ian: I love Chris Samnee and I love Daredevil and I hate Nuv, and therefore I love this picture. BOOM! DESCRIPTION DONE! In all seriousness though, no one working in the industry can touch what Chris Samnee can do with two-tone, two-dimensional images. Everything he draws is visually unique and this piece (a commission, I think) is no exception.

Cliff Chiang – Felicia Book

Ian: Cliff Chiang’s variant cover for American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest No. 1 is the kind of thing that gets fanboys in a lot of trouble. Generally I steer clear of variants, but this is the kind of image that’ll send a man trolling eBay like he’s Nuv in a tranny shop, and spending more money than he should. And it doesn’t help that vampire hunter Felicia Book is possibly the best character in the whole series.

Cliff Chiang – The DC Runaways

Nuv: “Hello Daddy, Hello Mom!” Cliff reimagines some of DC’s super heroines as the teen-rebel girl group, The Runaways. Also rad? He gets to draw one of them (Wonder Woman) monthly in her ongoing series. It’s less 70s, but no less bad-ass. Cherry!

Rafael Albuquerque – American Vampire 1955

Nuv: The first Rafael on this list, but not the last! Albuquerque’s been a BEAST on AV from day one, but my love of the 1950s made these two covers grab a stake and carve a special place in my heart. Stay gold, Rafael, stay gold.

Darwyn Cooke – Sue Storm

Ian: It probably took Darwyn Cooke less than five minutes to complete this convention sketch, but if he had one, I’d probably give Nuv’s left nut to own it. So that’s how THAT goes.

Francis Manapul – Wonder Woman

Ian: I already wish Manapul was on a book that I cared about and this image just makes it all the worse. As much as I love his art on The Flash, I care about the character about as much as I care about Nuv (not at all) and I’d much rather see him working on something else. For example, how does a guy draw a Wonder Woman pin-up THIS AMAZING and not get handed that book outright?

Nuv: Uhh, ’cause Cliff Chiang’s already killing it on that book. And ’cause Flash is consistently amazing with Manapul at the helm. I think the real question is: how do some people look directly at you without puking outright?!

Ian: Spoken like a true dickhead, Nuv. Touché.

Dustin Harbin – Tyrannosaurus Bats!

Nuv: I purchased Harbin’s “Behold! The Dinosaurs!” for my daughter’s bedroom, and this is the first print that’s gonna go up on my next kid’s wall. Harbin’s art gives me the same feeling I used to get reading Calvin & Hobbes. Spiff!

Andrew Hou – Wolverine

Nuv: Shee-it, we got mo’ dinosaurs than a MU’FUCKER ’round here, pa’tner! This shit is crack to anyone who used to be a 5 year old boy. And choosing to just show the before and after, leaving the actual battle to the imagination? Well played, Andrew!

Henrik Sahlstrom – Lobster Johnson

Ian: Who in the hell is Henrik Sahlstrom? I don’t know either but I hope he makes the CEO’s from Marvel, DC, Dark Horse and Image fist-fight each other to secure his services.

JC Richard – Fortress of Solitude

Nuv: A classy widescreen presentation of Superman’s home in the North Pole, with a barely perceptible red, blue and yellow streak flying off in the upper right corner. Fool them adult motherfuckers with this tasteful, minimalist painting, a grown-up way to display your childish tastes.

Ian: Your mom’s a widescreen presentation.

Jock – Hanna Promo Posters

Ian: I’ve never been very impressed with Jock as an interior artist, but his covers are consistently amazing and so, it would seem, is his corporate ad-work. I loved the movie Hanna, and when I saw that Jock had done a series of Hanna-inspired promo posters, well, like I wish Nuv would do next time he’s near a window, I flipped right out. Great stuff!

Nuv: Nobody’s ever been very impressed with Ian’s jock.

Dan McDaid – Michael Jackson

Nuv: The funk of forty thousand years, bitches! I did a fuckin’ high kick just like Michael when I first laid eyes on this pop masterpiece. (Too bad Ian wasn’t standing in for the other lead in this piece.) McDaid is the correct answer to the question “Who’s Bad?!”

Eric Canete – Luke Cage

Nuv: Sweet Christmas! Ian lost a bet and had to be nice to me for a week. It happened to be a week where he would be attending a comic convention that the inimitable Eric Canete was also attending. BOOM: signed print of Luke Cage fighting three tigers like a BOSS. Paid for by Ian. Enjoyed by Nuv.

Phil Noto – Jean Grey

Ian: Phil Noto is a modern great. Every comic book cover (and interior) he does is extraordinary and I’d honestly buy just about anything he put pencil to. He also maintains two awesome Tumblr pages (1 and 2) where he regularly posts new images that will inspire you to either a) become a better artist or b) quit drawing forever. Why? Because Phil Noto is the king.

Phil Noto – Super(Mad)Man

Nuv: Noto does indeed wield his pencil with an iron fist. I’ve always dug this pic, portraying Mad Men’s Jon Hamm as a commanding, stern-but-just Man of Steel. Anyone who’s heard this dream casting call (including Noto, apparently) agrees that it’s a perfect fit. Like Ian’s mouth and peens.

Ian: And like Nuv’s neck and a noose.

Sam Wolfe Connelly – Nightcrawler

Ian: Sam Wolfe Connelly has a style that will immediately remind you of James Jean and Joao Ruas. You guys, I’m talking about gorgeous graphite and digital colour works! He also has a habit of using Marvel characters as his subjects, which pretty much makes him a genius. Love this Nightcrawler? I knew you would! For more examples, check out his Captain America and Wolverine pieces! Holy smokes!

Rafael Grampa – Batman

Ian: Rafael #2! His last name is fuckin’ GRAMPA! And like most Grampas everything he does is tougher than anything you’ll EVER do. Now get off his damn lawn! Damn kids.

Kagan McLeod – The History of Hip Hop

Nuv: Kagan not only put together the tome of amazingness that is infinite Kung Fu, he not only illustrated a flyer for the Toronto Ghostface Killer show last year that belongs in a fucking museum, he not only seduced your woman with his pen and slapped your little brother with his deadly art hand, he also constructed THE GREATEST POSTER OF ALL TIME! The History of Hip Hop is exactly that: edutainment in the form of the headshots of 469 (!!!) rap icons on one side, facts and recommended listening for every one of ‘em on the reverse, and supreme quality to match the sheer quantity. It ACTUALLY might be bigger than Hip Hop, word to Dead Prez! Kagan was nice enough to sell me a few (so I could frame both sides) AND he even threw in a few extra for YOU crumbs, just ’cause he’s Nicer than Pete! You want one? Here’s how…

All you gotta do is comment below with your own hip hop history. Tell us who the first rapper you remember hearing was, and the one song of theirs you recommend. The first three mofos to do so, WIN THE POSTER FREE OF CHARGE*. Ready, set, SKIP IAN’S PARAGRAPH!
*shipping not included

Ian: Well that’s it for now! But don’t worry folks, my folder of awesome comic book art is huge and my predilection for not writing real articles in a timely manner will ensure that we’ll have plenty more art shows as the year goes on. Think of it as the Review 2 a Kill equivalent of a sitcom clip-show. Except, you know, not sucky to the max.

Put two in the air!

– Ian

Five word reviews! GO!

Batwoman – Painful delays, amazing as expected.

Infinite Vacation – Started awesome, now genital mutilation.

5 Ronin – Pointless. Pointless, pointless, pointless. Pointless.

American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest – Made our 2011 best list!

The Rocketeer Adventures - Cooke issue awesome. Rest, meh.

Wonder Woman (pre-DC New 52) – Boycotted over offensive pants-wearing.

Okay, so I was two for six at the start of 2011. Maybe this year will be better? No! Not maybe! DEFINITELY! There’s a whole truck-load of awesome books slated by all the major publishers and it’s only January. I don’t want to jinx it, but we could well be looking at the best year in comics OF ALL TIME. So check it out! My list of stuff I’m looking forward to in the Year of the Mayan Apocalypse.

Avengers vs. X-Men (Marvel)

This twelve-issue miniseries should rule the Marvel universe. Well, two thirds of it will. If I done my math learnin’ right, 12 issues divided by 3 artists means that 4 issues will suck nuts courtesy of John Romita Jr. The other eight, drawn by Olivier Coipel and Adam Kubert, should more than make up for it. Marvel has always been the publisher to assemble great writing teams for their big events, and you can’t get any bigger than Brian Michael Bendis, Jason Aaron, Jonathan Hickman, Ed Brubaker and Matt Fraction. How five dudes can write twelve comics, I don’t know (likely there will be spin-offs) but this series should be good summer entertainment for sure.

Conan the Barbarian: Queen of the Black Coast (Dark Horse)

I’ve never really cared about Conan in movie or comic form but as far as I can tell this book is going to be a big fat extension of the soon-to-be cancelled Northlanders, so rock on! From Demo to Local to DMZ to Northlanders, it’s pretty obvious that Brian Wood (who was an astounding writer to begin with) is getting better and better all the time. Same goes for artist Becky Cloonan. At a scheduled 25-issue run, Queen of the Black Coast is an impressive project and Dark Horse can expect my $3.50 for the next two years NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

Fairest (Vertigo)

If Adam Hughes is doing the cover, there’s already a good chance I’ll buy whatever you’re hawking. Fairest, the newest (and by the sound of it, best) Fables spin-off is kicking off in March with Bill Willingham on the words and Phil Jimenez on the doodles. Jimenez is capable of veering away from his own 1990’s style, and if he does it with this book it’ll be great. If not, oh well, I’ll still buy it because it’s Willingham’s Fables. And because it centers on the women of the Fables universe, which has always been the strongest part of the main title. I liked the idea of a book that focuses on Snow and Rose and the gang when the rumours started kicking around last year and now that the release date is fast approaching I’m downright STOKED.

Fatale (Image)

I’ve read and loved some of Brubaker and Sean Phillips stuff (ie Incognito) but took a pass on other books people swore were the greatest (ie Criminal) so I was kinda on the fence about Fatale. Then the first issue come out last week with an octopus-headed, tommy gun-wielding gangster on the cover. After that I was fish-hooked. Pulp and horror smooshed together? I just can’t quit you Bru! Count me in!

Hellboy in Hell (Dark Horse)

Hellboy’s continuity on earth is done, but that doesn’t mean his creator Mike Mignola is out of stories. Hellboy is going to Hell and what’s even radder is that Mignola himself will be making a triumphant return to the art duties. Duncan Fegredo is great, but you just can’t beat Mike the Man. Hellboy in Hell is one of my most anticipated new books this year and I can’t wait to get the first issue in my grubby little hands.

The Massive (Dark Horse)

I just can’t stop being stoked about this book. On January 18th Dark Horse Presents #8 is scheduled for release and will feature the first of a three-part introduction to The Massive. The new title, a regular series scheduled to start in April, is the latest collaboration between Brian Wood and Kristian Donaldson (Supermarket, DMZ) and holy pants! just check out the blurb wouldja?

“Set in a post-war, post-crash, post-disaster, post-everything world – the environmental action trawler Kapital scours the earth’s oceans for its missing sister ship The Massive, while struggling to redefine its core mission. What does it mean to be an environmentalist after the world’s already ended?”

I haven’t been so stoked about the environment since I joined the Green Party in university so I could hang out with pretty leftist girls!

Mouse Guard: The Black Axe (Archaia)

The only comic I make a point of buying as a collected hardcover (as opposed to single-issues) is David Petersen’s Mouse Guard series. Like most of Archaia’s books, the monthlies are weird sized and have to go on a bookshelf anyway, so why not have them collected in a nice hardcover edition? Plus, Petersen takes so much time crafting each issue that my old brain can’t remember what happened in the one before. Anyway, The Black Axe prequel is halfway through its six-issue run and hopefully I can rook some schmuck into buying it for me for Christmas next year!

Saga (Image)

I didn’t get on board with Y: The Last Man and I’ve pretty much regretted it ever since. Like the worst regret of my life (other than agreeing to write for Nuv, of course). Well it’s redemption time baby! Writer Brian K. Vaughn is making his triumphant return to comics in March and the lovely and talented Fiona Staples has hitched her artistic wagon to his star for Saga, a sci-fi series that might just be the best thing released in 2012. Apparently it’s gonna be a book in the Star Wars ballpark, a sci-fi opera about two soldiers (He has horns! She has wings!) who attempt to raise a baby in the middle of an intergalactic civil war. Anyone who’s read this column knows I use the word epic incorrectly all the time, but the scope of this comic really fits the word. I want it right now!

Well there you have it folks, my 8 picks for 2012. But shouldn’t it be 12 for 2012 or at least a Top 10? And where are the DC New 52 books I claimed to love so much in your last article? Well the answer to your first question is “Blossom’s former drug-addict brother Tony!” and the answer to your second question is “Napa auto parts.” In summation, only two of my picks are from the Big Two publishers, so expect next year’s wrap up to include a lot of swearing about late books.

Until next time America, put one in the air!

– Ian

Here’s a bunch of stuff I thought was pretty swell in 2011!

Best Writer – Scott Snyder (American Vampire, Batman, Severed, Swamp Thing)

It would be impossible for this category to go to anyone other than Scott Snyder. Over the course of the year he kept his American Vampire series fresh and engaging, dragged Swamp Thing from the depths and made him awesome again, wrote hands-down the best Batman book of the relaunch (and, in my opinion, the best Batman book ever written) and still found time to pen a seven-issue horror series called Severed. 2011 was Scott Snyder’s year and I can’t wait to read more of his great stuff in 2012.

Best Interior Artist – Stuart Immonen (Fear Itself)

Both Marvel and DC published some great looking books this year, but as far as WOW! factor goes, you just can’t beat Stuart Immonen’s seven-issue run on Matt Fraction’s Fear Itself event. Everyone who knows me knows I don’t generally go in for the big events, but this one really grabbed me and I’m sure most of the reason it did was thanks to Immonen’s knack for drawing jaw-dropping fight scenes. I literally had to slow myself down as I read these books because I was so stoked to turn the page and see what was coming next. Immonen is the man, and I’ll read anything he draws.

Best Colourist – Francesco Francavilla (Black Panther, Detective Comics)

Whenever you see a “Best Colourist” category, you almost always see Dave Stewart as the winner. Sorry Dave, not this time! Anyone who’s picked up a copy of Black Panther or Detective Comics in the last twelve months will instantly recognize Francesco Francavilla’s flashy use of colour. ESPECIALLY those deep reds and oranges. Don’t get me wrong, Dave Stewart is a perfect colourist, but Francavilla is a flamboyant colourist. On anyone else’s brush his colours simply wouldn’t work, but somehow he makes them look incredible on every page. Francavilla! Winner!

Best Inker – Jonathan Glapion (Batman)

Greg Capullo is doing an incredible job of pencilling DC’s flagship Batman title. Everyone knows that! But I don’t think enough credit is being given to his inker Jonathan Glapion. There’s a reason that book looks so great, and it’s almost entirely the way Glapion sets the mood with those deep, heavy blacks. I can’t remember another inker having such a careful hand with darkness and shadow since Mike Mignola and to be perfectly honest, Glapion might be better than Mignola. Yeah that’s right! I said it!

Best New Kid on the Block – Mahmud A. Asrar (Supergirl)

The biggest surprise coming out of the DC relaunch, for me, was Mahmud Asrar’s Supergirl art. I originally added this book to the pull-list for that kid Venus Toshiba, but after reading the first couple of pages, oh man, I just wasn’t ready for the jealousy. Asrar isn’t technically a new kid, having set foot in Image’s door back in 2007, but he’s made a real name for himself at DC in 2012 by producing one of the best looking books of the relaunch. Think Tim Sale-meets-Francis Manapul and you’re in the right ballpark. Amazing stuff that may prove detrimental to my marriage.

Best Cover – Adam Hughes (Batgirl No. 4)

This was a close call and could just as easily been Joao Ruas‘ beautiful piece for Fables #107. But instead I chose this cover because more than any other piece of art this year, Adam Hughes‘ Batgirl #4 cover embodied the bold spirit of everything DC Comics got right this year. Rebooting their entire line of comics back to #1, reinventing each and every hero (at the expense of alienating crusty old fanboys) and making their comics accessible to all new readers for the first time in decades took some balls. This cover doesn’t just depict Barbara Gordon(!) kicking the Mirror’s face right in. No, this cover visually represents DC Comics kicking their naysayer’s faces right in.

Best Single Issue – Hellboy: The Fury #3 (Dark Horse)

Hellboy died! For real! Wow! And what a beautifully written and illustrated end it was. Fulfilling his own destiny, Hellboy fights and destroys Nimue the dragon Queen of Blood at Ragna Rok, but has his heart removed and taken down to Hell by her spirit. There has never been a more brilliant or pitch-perfect end to a character in the history of comic books as Mike Mignola once again brings the medium to an all-new level. Duncan Fegredo, who for years now has been his brilliant apprentice, turns in the best pages since his astonishing debut on the title in 2007. This comic was hands-down the best single book released in 2011.

Best Continuing Series – The Mighty Thor (Marvel)

I love this book! It started off great under the team of Matt Fraction and Olivier Coipel, and it continues being great under Fraction and the (newly returned) Pasqual Ferry. Like it was for a lot of people, 2012 was the year I became a Thor fan and with great writing like this it’s no wonder. Who knew my buddy Jason Copland could be so right about one thing and be so wrong about another?

Best Limited Series – American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest (Vertigo / DC)

I’m the kind of sucker that will always buy a spin-off of a comic I like, despite the fact that they’re almost always shoddily-written with B-list art. Well I guess nobody told Scott Snyder the way these things are supposed to work, because that kid sat down and wrote the best five-issue mini-series I’ve ever read. Right from the Felicia Book opening dream sequence (Yowza!) to the giant vampire / sunlight raygun nazi kill-a-thon, this book is one hell of a good time. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that Sean Murphy absolutely DESTROYS THE DC UNIVERSE when it comes to drawing the kinds of things that make eyes worth having. This series, start-to-finish was an absolute win.

Best Collection – Batman: The Black Mirror (DC)

Being the type who tries to collect everything in single issues, I only placed one new graphic novel on my bookshelf this year. But that one book was a real hum-dinger! For Christmas my folks bought me the collected Batman: The Black Mirror Ultimate Boner Edition (UBE) hardcover. I’m not gonna lie to you folks, I totally blew it when it came to picking this up when it ran for almost an entire year. Every month Detective Comics would come out and every month I’d look at it and think “I should be reading this book.” Well it turns out I was right the whole time. Snyder, Jock and Francavilla (aka the DC Holy Trinity) are the only ingredients you need for the tastiest collection of the year.

Biggest Character Comeback – Aquaman (DC)

Never.
In my life.
Did I ever.
Ever think I’d ever buy (let alone enjoy) an Aquaman comic book. Everyone knows Aquaman is a goof. Even kids don’t like Aquaman. And I never understood the appeal of Geoff Johns either. I always thought Johns was the kind of guy who wrote comics for the old-school fanboys. For the guys who’d been reading the book for thirty years and knew all the subtle references I was sure I wasn’t getting. So what does Johns do? He celebrates DC’s New 52 relaunch by relaunching the most inaccessible character of all time and making him AWESOME?! By writing an awful character so well that the first issue is currently flipping on eBay for FIFTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Well played Johns. Well played.

Best Kung Fu – Shang-Chi (Marvel)

Well, the suits at Marvel seem determined to ruin Iron Fist completely (White and gold? Really? Like the original costume wasn’t wack enough?), but at least writers and artists are still flying Shang-Chi under the radar and keeping him cool. This summer’s Spider Island (non-) event was kind of ho-hum, but the three issue Deadly Hands of Kung Fu spin-off featuring Shang Chi and the Bride of Nine Spiders was awesome sauce! Sebastian Fiumara’s art was moody and creepy and at the same time kicky and punchy. What more could anyone ask for? I guess Secret Avengers #18. Speaking of which…

Best Series I Shouldn’t Have Cancelled – Secret Avengers (Marvel)

I started collecting Secret Avengers during the big Avengers re-launch of 2010 but it was one of the books that got culled due to it’s inherent meh-ness and my newfound spirit of financial prudency (I was broke). But lo and behold! The last five issues have been an absolute gold mine of awesome storytelling thanks to Warren Ellis and incredible art courtesy of Jamie McKelvie, Kev Walker, David Aja, Michael Lark and Alex Maleev respectively. I don’t know why Marvel would put such a great roster of talent on this book and leave the main Avengers title to that no-talent hack, but it doesn’t really matter. I should have kept buying this book in 2011.

Biggest Surprise of the Year – Avenging Spider-Man (Marvel)

Everyone hits that point with a superhero where they say “I’ve read every possible story I’d ever need to read with this character, so I quit forever.” For me, that was Spider-Man. I could only read so many stories about Peter, Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy, poor dead Uncle Ben and dear old Aunt May before I finally said “Enough is enough. No more Spider-Man comics.” And then comes Zeb Wells and Joe Madureira in 2011 with a new title called Avenging Spider-Man and there I go, reaching for my wallet to buy my first Spider-Man comic book in over a decade. What can I say? It’s probably the best book Marvel released all year, in terms of pure F-U-N. Exciting, dynamic art backed up with snappy and often hilarous writing. Avenging Spider-Man is the essence of what the character should be, with none of the sappy navel-gazing.

And that’s it! My Best-Of article for 2011! Maybe one day you’ll get Nuv’s list if they ever find where I buried his body and implant the sum of his knowledge and consciousness into a Commodore 64. But he’d probably just say he liked some bull-crap comics like Daken: Dark Wolverine or X-Force. WHATEVER!

Put one in the air!

– Ian

The Marvelous Land of Oz & Ozma of Oz by Eric Shanower and Skottie Young

I tend to veer away from children’s comics (and children in general) unless there’s something in it for me. I really enjoyed Thor: The Mighty Avenger because of Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee, and because it was well written for people of all ages, and beautifully illustrated. Same goes for Shanower and Young’s adaptations of L. Frank Baum’s Oz series. There aren’t a lot of collections out there that I consider perfect, but 2009’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz is just that. Whimsical, clever, scary, adorable and perfect. So Santa, if you’re listening, I’ll take the next two in hardcover please!

Batman: The Black Mirror by Scott Snyder, Jock and Francesco Francavilla

Way back in November of 2010, Scott Snyder and Jock kicked off their highly praised 10-issue run on Detective comics. Every month a new issue would come out and every month I’d think to myself “I should be buying this book.” Well, woulda-coulda-shoulda but ultimately didn’t. Fast forward to now where I’ve got this ridiculous man-crush on Snyder thanks to his current Batman run and now I want to read every Batman book he’s ever written. Luckily DC has released a very nice hardcover compilation of Snyder’s run called Batman: The Black Mirror and it’s at the very top of my Christmas list. In fact, I’d say I want it even more than Nuv wants that Baywatch Mitch Buchannon 12″ David Hasselhoff doll.

Richard Stark’s Parker: The Martini Edition by Darwyn Cooke

If you love Darwyn Cooke so much, why don’t you marry him? Well maybe I would have if Marsha hadn’t beaten me to the punch all those years ago! REGARDLESS, I have the first two Parker books on my bookshelf already (The Hunter and The Outfit) but that doesn’t stop me from wanting the oversized slipcover collection sittin’ up proud on my shelf beside my oversized slipcover of DC: The New Frontier. I’ve been good all year, fat man!

Beasts of Burden by Evan Dorkin and Jill Thompson

Sure Dorkin used to get a stocking full of coal every year for his half-assed attempts at porn comics and his perpetually shit-talkin’ Milk and Cheese comics, but lately I’ll bet he’s been getting some nice schwag. Why? Because he teamed up with Jill Thompson and they created the cutest series ever! Brave puppies who investigate paranormal phenomenon! Could you just die?! I first read a Beasts of Burden story when they teamed up with Hellboy in a Dark Horse one-shot last year. Now I want to read all of their awesome adventures!

Supermarket by Brian Wood and Kristian Donaldson

I’ve never read this book by Wood and Donaldson, but I’ve loved everything else they’ve ever done together, so why not this? Also, I’m over-the-moon with the announcement of their newest collaboration The Massive, so I really want to play catch-up and check out Supermarket before the first of The Massive prequels hit in Dark Horse Presents #8.  Brian Wood, you’re the greatest and may the executives at DC / Vertigo receive a great big box of JACK SQUAT for Christmas for cancelling Northlanders and showing you the door. We’ll show ‘em Bri.  We’ll show ‘em.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill

I’m pretty much in the same boat as anyone who thinks Alan Moore has lost it completely. I mean Jesus the Birthday Boy, what a grumpy old curmudgeon. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t write some great comic books back in the day. I’ve read the first two League of Extraordinary Gentlemen graphic novels half a dozen times and despite the fact that they’re a couple of my favourite books of all time, I’ve still never owned my own copies. That needs to be rectified! This Christmas! Anyone?!

Anyhoo, that’s my list! Until next time friends!

– Ian

Santa Claus image courtesy of the ridiculously talented Robb Mommaerts

ANYWAY, I think I’ll take a week and think about the new stuff I’d like to see on my bookshelf before the end of the year and get back to you folks next week. As for THIS WEEK, I’m going to help you guys out. You know how you always end up getting a novelty scarf or some other dumb shit because somebody asked you what you wanted under the tree and you blanked hard? Well forget that! Here’s a quick summary of books you should ask for. Print it out! Keep it in your front pants pocket!

Bat-Manga! by Chip Kidd

I know I’ve said a thousand times that I can’t stand manga or the people who like it. So what is this yuletide hypocrisy?! Well, for those that ain’t hip, Bat-Manga! is a rad-ass compilation of late-1960’s Batman stories FROM JAPAN! They’re totally awesome! The creator Jiro Kuwata basically decided that Batman’s rogue’s gallery wouldn’t fly with Japanese audiences, so he made up a bunch of bat-shit crazy new villains for him to fight. You get to see Robin say stuff like “Lord Death Man came back to life using secret yoga tricks…” and the margins have awesome facts like “At the turn of the Meiji Era, all kinds of watermelons were brought in from America, and their prices dropped because they became so abundant.” I guess these were included to make comics seem more educational to parents and teachers? Even the art is unique and not the derivative crap you see in every single manga book everywhere now. AMAZING!

Batman: Ego by Darwyn Cooke

This just wouldn’t be an Explosivo list if it didn’t feature at least one Darwyn Cooke book. Not many people own Batman: Ego and that’s a serious problem. Wanna know why Cooke intends to spend years drawing a comic about Parker, a character no one under 50 cares about? Because he’s just not getting enough love for his superhero comics. Like Nuv’s claims of heterosexuality, that last fact probably isn’t true. What is true is that Batman: Ego is an amazing little compilation of Cooke’s Batman / Catwoman work which also features a story he wrote that Tim Sale illustrated! The book also happens to feature one of my favourite Caped Crusader minis of all time: Deja Vu.

I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets! by Fletcher Hanks

Speaking of effed up old comics, you’d have to search long and hard for a weirder book than Fletcher Hanks’ I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets. In the early days of comic strips, Hanks created a whole pack of bizarre heroes like Stardust, Big Red and Fantomah and turned them loose on the cowards, Nuvs and crooks of the world. The capers are preposterous for sure, but it’s the punishments doled out by the heroes that are truly outrageous. People get their heads thrown into space, some get locked in a cave with cobras, others are turned into people-sicles and melted to death. Strange stuff from the frontiers of comics and definitely worth owning, if only to weird out your friends.

Mouse Guard: Fall 1152 and Winter 1152 by David Petersen

Not to be confused with The Mice Templar, which is a rip-off of Mouse Guard, which is a rip-off of Redwall whose author, Brian Jacques is himself a huge rip-off of Patrick Stewart. You can always find David Petersen’s first two hardcover collections on Amazon for a great price, and that’s what you should tell the people who are buying you presents in order to make them do your bidding. This comic series is awesome and features brave (and adorable!) mice doing awesome stuff like fighting owls and trying not to starve/freeze to death. It’s super sweet and Petersen is a great artist, even if he’s a jerk to people who try to chat with him at airports.

Wednesday Comics by Everyone!

Wednesday Comics was one of the best ideas DC ever had. A weekly newspaper-strip style comic that featured the who’s who of writers and artists working on the who’s who of characters. The only thing that was kinda wack was the fragile newspaper format, but that was also a big part of the charm. But then guess what? The good folks at DC compiled all 12 issues into a super-oversized hardcover collection that really showcases the great art and vibrant colours that kinda got muddied down on the newsprint. Anyway, Hawkman fighting a T-Rex is enough to make the book worthwhile by itself. Make other people buy this for you!

So yes, it’s a short list but it’s dynamite! Basically my ultimate goal for you is to make your graphic novel shelf look as awesome as mine. Forcing your loved ones to buy you these books is a great start.

Until next week chums!

– Ian

No. 1 – “FATHER!? What in blazes happened to you!?”

Every guy knows it’s pretty much impossible to work with your Dad because everyone’s Dad is a jerk to work for. Nuv is father to a whole host of feral children and he’s the biggest jerk I know. But how much weirder would it be if your same ol’ Dad was physically transformed into a cute little girl? Some kid in a dress giving you orders and shit? This is the essence of Frank’s dilemma with his creator, Father Time.

No. 2 – The Creature Commandos

With a roster like this, the creature commandos could have been the lamest and most hackneyed stuff of all time. But no. They’re super cool. You’ve got Dr. Nina Mazursky the cute amphibian woman, Warren Griffith the ass-kissing werewolf, Vincent Velcoro the snarky vampire and Khalis the creepy mummy. Frank doesn’t want them on his team because he doesn’t want to be on a team at all. I don’t want to be on a team in this column but I don’t want to get carpal tunnel syndrome from all the high-fives I’d get for drowning Nuv in English Bay during the fireworks.

No. 3 – “My relationship with my wife is of NO CONCERN TO YOU!”

Frank and the as-yet-unnamed Bride of Frankenstein have been divorced for 70-years. One of them is over the relationship, the other isn’t. One thing’s for sure though, the ex-Mrs. Frankenstein is a four-armed bad-ass and their back-and-forth is super fun to read.

No. 4 – “Let’s be done with this evil work!”

One thing that caught my eye right away was the extraordinarily dynamic splash pages throughout the first few issues. This one comes from the second book and like the rest of them, it’s amazing. Alberto Ponticelli walks a fine line with how loose his art can get, but Jesus-the-Original-Zombie, when he tightens up his stuff it’s epic! When Nuv “tightens up his stuff” it’s saddening and whatever the opposite of alluring is. Repulsive? Abhorrent? Probably one of those.

No. 5 – Undersea Fight

If there’s one thing Ponticelli isn’t shying away from in this book, it’s the big fight scenes. Maybe it’s just because I have a huge aquatic boner for Aquaman right now, but when I turned the page and saw this underwater fight scene it blew my mind right out! I don’t know how long it takes him to produce a double-page spread featuring THIS MUCH MAYHEM, but man it looks great.

No. 6 – Monster Planet

The whole idea of Nuv developing good taste in comics “Monster Planet” is idiotic. Ridiculous! Over the top! But you know what? It totally works with the rest of the package. A team of classic monsters being led by a little girl? Sure! A whole planet just swarming with enormous creatures? Why not?! If ever there was a book to suspend disbelief and just have a good time, this is that book.

No. 7 – “I think the creepy mummy guy is taking a nap.”

Man, as soon as you see Khalis you get the feeling that he’s going to pack a punch. And sure enough when things get really bad ON MONSTER FREAKING PLANET he pulls out his staff and FWOOOOSH! No more monster problem. Awesome whammy!

No. 8 – “The mountain’s moving!”

Monster Planet has monsters that are so big they can be mistaken for mountains. Again I ask, why the hell not?

No. 9 – “That thing is pissed!”

I LOVE LOVE LOVE whenever a big monster eats someone and then gets killed by that person from the inside out. I’ve seen it in a million comics and television shows and movies and I never get tired of it. Hell, I might have even gotten over my hatred of the Ewoks and enjoyed Return of the Jedi if Boba Fett had blasted his way out of the Sarlacc. Anyway, Frank comes bustin’ out of the mountain-monster with it’s heart in his hand before impaling it with his sword. Um, can you say “THE BEST EVER?!”

No. 10 – Frank is awesome. Period.

Can I be Frank? (Ha!) This comic is the best. Sure, people will write it off as a huge Hellboy rip-off but those people are huge Ian and Nuv rip-offs. You think just anyone can write snap judgements on comics two days before the article is due and expect people to read it!? Naw. You gotta pay your dues to do what Nuv (does badly) and I (do awesome.) I’m giving you my most heart-felt assurance that if you buy this comic you will love it.

Until next week!

– Ian

Batgirl #3

Ian: Well Babs has been back on her feet for a few months now and I gotta say this comic is getting better all the time. We still don’t know how she got out of her wheelchair but at least the teasers they’ve been dropping aren’t annoying. Who am I to tell Gail Simone what time it is? Her story itself is a good mix of superhero action and personal relationships, so I can definitely see why the character appeals to a wider audience than some of the other bat-books. Ardian Syaf and Vincente Cifuentes have been doing a great job of handling some pretty tricky action sequences and I really think Syaf’s pencil work gets stronger with every issue. What’s really appealing for me though are the colours. Ulises Arreola makes great use of (and really pulls off) his purples and pinks and that’s not something you see in other DC titles. All-in-all, this is definitely a book worth picking up. Oh, and did I mention Adam Hughes is absolutely KILLING IT on the covers?

Huntress #2

Ian: There have been some seriously questionable mini-series (and television shows) to come out of the Birds of Prey camp since their inception. This year’s six-issue Huntress series, thankfully, is one of the good ones. I’ve really gotta hand it to Paul Levitz on this book. His Helena-in-Italy story is a lot of fun and even though it’s dealing with a serious issue (human trafficking) the book itself isn’t miserable or preachy. The real reason to pick this book up, though, is Marcus To’s art. He’s a talented character artist and he’s great at facial expressions. He tends to choose clever angles to tell a great visual story, and his backgrounds are fully realized. John Dell’s inks are a great mix of big bold blacks for the dark scenes and minimalist, super-tight line work for the daytime scenes and Andrew Dalhouse’s colours are near-perfect. I honestly think that with a team like this DC could put out an ongoing Huntress book and find a decent readership. Think about it!

Nuv: BAM! Surprise article-invasion, WHAT?!

Birds of Prey #3

Nuv: Man, the title of this post is totally misleading! I thought I was finally going to get to see Venus slap the shit out of you. Anyway, who’da thunk that Simone, Barbara “Batgirl” Gordon and Huntress all flying the coop would result in Birds of Prey KICKING ASS?! I’d never been a fan of this title until now. Duane Swierczynski is absolutely killing it on the writing tip. It’s thanks to him the absence of the character most associated with the franchise (Barbara) doesn’t even matter! Duane made the newest Bird the flyest! A tattooed, tough-as-nails, smart-as-a-whip chick named Starling steals every scene she’s in.

Oh, and HOLY SHIT is artist Jesus Saiz living up to his first name! Lesser illustrators should pray to his pages. A beautiful, fun, adrenaline-filled ride, Birds of Prey accomplishes exactly what every bra-burning blog claims comics don’t do, and provides us with a rock-solid title starring strong female leads. Dowhutchyalike. Me? I’ll be picking up these lovely ladies every fourth Wednesday, ‘kay?

Ian: I took a reader poll, and nobody cares what you think.

Nuv: Word on the street is you’ve taken MANY poles.

Justice League #3

Ian: This week saw the triumphant return of Wonder Woman to the Justice League. Well, I guess it’s not so much of a “return” as it is “addition” seeing as though they’re still putting the team together “for the first time”. I know people have been more wary / critical of this book than any other title in the DC New 52 (and with good reason) but as a reader with almost no history with the JL, I’ve been having a really good time so far. And this issue, as far as I’m concerned, is the best one yet because of Wonder Woman. She’s cute and naïve and brave and violent and while she skirts the edge of bimbo-ism, I don’t think that’s the direction Geoff Johns is going to go with the character. This issue has great big fight scenes and Diana leads the charge. Good times!

Nuv: I concur. Justice League rules. It reads like a perfect blueprint for a JL movie. So, I guess if you don’t want a year-round summer blockbuster starring all of the A-List characters DC has to offer, forged by two A-List creators at the top of their game, then this title isn’t for you. ‘Cause fuck fun, you know?

Supergirl #3

Ian: Kara Zor-El (aka Supergirl!) has been having a pretty crappy time since she landed on Earth. She got the goofiest set of boots in the entire relaunch, her cousin keeps telling her what to do, and now some jackass named Simon Tycho is working on becoming her own personal Lex Luthor. On the upside, Michael Green and Mike Johnson are writing a GREAT story that has just the right amount of story and exposition without being a boring chore to read (see: Perez’s Superman). Also, I can’t believe that Mahmud A. Asrar has been able to keep up the quality of work he has. We’ve praised this book over and over in this column, and we’ll probably continue praising it because it’s hands-down one of the best books being published by ANY comic book publisher right now.

Wonder Woman #3

Ian: The history of the Greek gods has always been like an episode of Maury, and Azzarello’s run on Wonder Woman has been no different. Didja hear what happened?! As it turns out Diana wasn’t made from clay at all! (Crowd: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HELL naw!) Instead it turns out she’s the illegitimate product of Queen Hippolyta knockin’ the boots with Zeus himself! (crowd: Booooooooooo! Whore! Censor BEEEEP!) Now add the fact that the Amazons got duped into fighting and killing each other in the last issue, well, let’s just say that Paradise Island is a bit of a misnomer these days. Cliff Chiang is doing a great job of drawing all this crazy biz, and it’s gonna be a sad state of affairs when he leaves after issue four. But you know what? I bet the book is still gonna rock nuts when Tony Akins begins his run next year. Hooray!

Nuv: As you can see, DC actually has no shortage of female-driven titles. Sure, they’re of varying quality, but that’s true of the books starring dudes too. So, where do the rest of them stand? Well, Voodoo (the killer alien stripper!) is nice to look at, thanks to Sami Basri. The much-reviled Catwoman’s actually getting better by the issue. Batwoman’s been the cream of the crop from jump. I don’t count Hawk & Dove, because Liefeld characters do not remotely resemble humans, never mind gender. Which leaves…

Suicide Squad #3

Nuv: I actually dropped this shitpiece after the first issue, but I heard about this scene and thought I should point it out. Basically, Harley Quinn (Joker’s bitch) gets boned by Deadshot. And compares her vajeej to a clown car. Check the sleaze:

Because, you know, so many things go in and out of clown cars. Loose, not just in morals, apparently. Basically, one way to look at it is that DC seems to be trying to negate all of the strides they’re making with female portrayals in their other titles. Maybe we’re just not looking at the big picture though. Part of the mandate was to diversify, and the way I see it, sluts need heroes (and villains) to call their own too, right? Presto! Between this and Red Hood’s brain dead portrayal of Starfire, mission accomplished! One of each! Jeez! Don’t be so prejudice guys! Doughboy said it best back in Boyz N The Hood: “hoes gotta eat too!”

Ian: And, perfect segue for Nuv to go have dinner! That’s it for now! I’m sure we’ll be revisiting this topic in upcoming articles because, like I said, there’s a boatload of great creators working on great super-heroine titles right now. Sure there can always be more and I’m sure the popularity of these titles will make that happen, but in the meantime there really are a pile of books worth checking out, so go check ‘em out already!

Until next week! Put two in the air…

– The Big Two

Leaving the grocery store the other day I checked out the toy vending machines (like all grown men do) and noticed that one of them has the most awesome Marvel figurines EVER inside! Well I happened to have the coin so like a sucker I stuffed my twoonie in the slot, prayed to Stan Lee for a Daredevil figure and turned the crank. And wouldn’t you just know? Ka-BOOM! Against all odds down came that iconic red-horned head! Now the protector of Hell’s Kitchen is also the protector of my kitchen. Hooray! Here’s a picture to make Nuv die of jealousy.

Anyway, let’s hand out the awards for the last two weeks in comics!

BEST JUMPING-OFF POINT: The award for Best Jumping-Off point goes to Animal Man #3. You know, sometimes you have to read a comic for a long time and spend a lot of your allowance money before you realize the book you’re reading is no good. Luckily this isn’t one of those books. Travel Foreman’s repulsive art was on thin ice from the beginning, but issue #3 is the last straw. Like Nuv’s face, every single panel in this book was a grotesque chore to look at. BLEH GROSS!

BEST KOOL-AID MAN REFERENCE: Nothing trumps awful art like great art, and brother, you can’t do better than Joe Madureira’s Avenging Spider-Man #1. We all knew it was gonna be something very special, but I had no idea it would be this fantastic! The only exposure I’d ever had with the legendary Joe Mad was through the epic video game Darksiders (creative director) but if this is what his comic work looks like, I’m gonna have to go find some Uncanny X-Men and Battle Chasers back issues.

BEST JAWS REFERENCE: I’ve always been a massive fan of the original Jaws movie (who isn’t?) and there’s always been a special place in my heart for the original Peanuts comic strip. So when Charles Foreman sat down a couple of months ago and mashed Spielberg’s story with Shultz’s style, well, genius happened. Check this out!

BEST WTF?!!??!? MOMENT: Remember when Infinite Vacation put out its first couple of issues? And we were all “What a clever and quirky story!” I really liked the low-level danger and some cute romance-y stuff! Well after a long delay the third issue finally came out last week and I’m guessing that sometime after issue #2 was released, Nick Spencer lost his goddamn mind. Have you read Infinite Vacation #3?! Hey, if you like torture, rape, cannibalism and genital mutilation, I HAVE GOT A BOOK FOR YOU. I had to check the front cover to make sure it was still being published by Image and not the idiots over at Avatar Press. Jeesh. I’m still gonna pull the last two issues of the series, but if his was an ongoing book I’d seriously consider dropping it just for the bait-and-switch alone.

BEST BADONKADONK: I try (and fail) not to talk about American Vampire all the time but it must be said that veteran artist Jordi Bernet is doing a pretty swell job as fill-in artist on the current “Beast in the Cave” storyline. In particular, the native vampire queen’s derriere in the last issue. Now, I’m not generally the type to go objectifying the ladies in this column, but Jumpin’ Jimminy! For an ancient monster who has lived countless years in a cave starving in self-exile, baby got back. That’s all I’m sayin’.

BEST EXAMPLE OF EVERYONE BEING WRONG EXCEPT FOR ME: All I read on the interwebs these days is people bitchin’ about Fear Itself. They bitched the whole way through Matt Fraction’s magnum opus and now with the arrival of aftermath issues 7.1, 7.2 and 7.3, people are downright fed up. Fed up with what? Awesome comics? Get your balls out of Bendis’ purse and form your own opinions. Opinions like mine? (wink, wink) If you read 7.2 last week you’d be as stoked as I am for the new year’s Thor comics! That book is going to continue being epic as long as Fraction is running the show and I just can’t wait.

AND FINALLY, THE AWARD FOR BEST SHILL-O-METER BOOK: Marvel put out a big fat preview of the events they have coming in 2012 and called it ‘Point One’. Basically they’re playing catch-up with DC. But here’s the kicker. The book was solicited at $5.99 (ridiculous!) but everyone knows Marvel shipped a LOT of extra copies to each comic shop. What good comic shops did was drop the price on the book right out of the gate. What huckster shops did was sell it to suckers at full price. Anyway, there’s a great preview for the upcoming Defenders comic written by good ol’ Fraction and drawn by my number one choice for a married-couple three-way, Terry and Rachel Dodson. DECENT! And the rest of the book is okay too, if you like Nova and Phoenix and Scarlet Spider. Eh. Meh. Nuh.

Anyways, party on everybody! Until next week!

– Ian