The Play Is The Thing
I already told you how good A Bomb-itty of Errors is, but if you’re silly and haven’t already gone, here’s a neon pink warning: This is your last weekend to catch it performed live in Vancouver. Lest you think I’m biased, I’m not the only one who loved it. Hence the glowing reviews from Miss 604, The Georgia Straight and The Vancouver Courier. Now, go man. Just go.

Craft-O-Matic
Make It! The Handmade Revolution is here at the Croatian Cultural Centre Friday through Sunday. Back when I was a teenager, the CCC was where you went to see punk rock bands and watch sluts make out with slut dudes. Now it’s where I’m going to snap up a bunch of crafts from people who are way more talented and resourceful than me. Further proof they know how to have a good time – booze is served. Drunk craft shopping? If you need me, I’ll be the one sweating and annoying the vendors with too many compliments. Mom drunk!
Click & print the poster below for $2 off admission.

Nerd Herd
If you’re shrugging your shoulders at crafts and Shakespearean hip hop, may I interest you in a little something called MEETING LOU FERRIGNO IN PERSON? Or, maybe, Kevin Sorbo, Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Killing’s Billy Campbell, Worf from Star Trek, or 1960s Batman (Adam West) with his Robin (Burt Ward) and THE MOTHERF-CKIN’ BATMOBILE?! What is this seemingly names-pulled-out-of-a-paper-bag crazy concoction of folks, you ask? It’s the Vancouver Fan Expo running Saturday & Sunday at the Vancouver Convention Centre. The nerd fumes will be running HIGH and I haven’t even mentioned the comic industry attendees. Along with our good friends Jason Copland & Ed Brisson, there’s gonna be greatness in the form of Pia Guerra (Y: The Last Man), Yanick Paquette (Swamp Thing), Greg Rucka (Whiteout) and Ken “Value Added” Steacy (an island boy, who was at Nuv’s very first comic convention at his boyhood comic shop, Island Fantasy). Speaking of that scoundrel, The Big Two (Nuv & Ian) will also be in attendance checking out any boobs on display and Raid-fighting (lots of blocked slaps and sweat). Admission info, the full list of attendees, special panels and photo ops here.

Pick a Flick
I looked up what was opening this weekend. Did I quickly get distracted and look at Beyonce’s Tumblr account? Maybe. I did see one movie I’d be willing to pay a lot of money to watch while eating popcorn: Jeff Who Lives At Home. I think it’s a universal truth that by now Jason Segel is the one guy most girls would friend f-ck.

Constipation Motivation
At the top of the list of weekend simple pleasures, there is really nothing better than sitting on the toilet and f-cking around on your phone. While our grandparents bravely rub their aching war wounds, our generation will grow old and bemoan our ass muscle circulation, caused by many a back-to-back game of Draw Something. Since life is pretty much just a giant competition for me, I am pretty unhappy that I am terrible at this game. To rub salt into the wound, Nuv has this really irritating habit of being good at everything. He has mastered Draw Something in ways I cannot describe. So, I’ll just let you feast your eyes on what he pulls off using a thumbnail and iPhone. Nutty.

Terrible People Laugh Loudest
This recommendation is really simple. You can even stay in. Cards Against Humanity is the greatest card game we have ever played and we play a lot of card games. The only prep you need is to have a sidekick go print off the cards somewhere like Kinko’s etc. (The cheaper the better ’cause that’s the only fee you pay for this ridiculous fun time.) And tell that good pal to pick up a bottle of Nikka whiskey on the way back. (It’s Japanese and will straighten your pubes.) The official rules are on their site. The unofficial rule is you are only playing to make each other laugh inappropriately. With that, everybody wins.
Click the pic to download a free PDF of the cards. Print. Play. THAT’S IT!

Sunday Sweetness
So, now it’s Sunday night. You’re allowed to get excited for TV. Buy a bag of the greatest snack known to man – Popcorn, Indiana’s black & white drizzled kettle corn – and be prepared to be super angry when your greedy fingers hit the bottom of the bag.

Now, grab a pillow and blanket (the long winter’s coming) and settle in for some Grade-A entertainment. First up, Game of Thrones. As of about a week ago we were on Season 1, Episode 2. Some hard core ignoring of adult responsibilities let us catch up right quick and now we are like the rest of the world and have to wait each week patiently to see what will happen next. For a gal that has never liked fantasy, history or incest, I am hooked. Favourite character – Peter Dinklage’s Tyrion Lannister. Always and forever, Dinklage.

And, finally Mad Men. Just when I thought this season was crazy amazing, they let Lane beat the sh-it out of Pete. (I will never like Pete. Even when he cries like me in an elevator.) This season can now do no wrong. Other than Megan’s mouth.

And now it’s time for bed. I wish you the sweetest of dreams. Remember – there’s only five more days until your next weekend…

So Live Nation sez to me “Hey Nuv. Guess who’s coming to town.” And I’m like “Who?” And they’re like “Prince.” And I’m like “Uhhhh…” for like three hours until my throat fell out. They patiently waited while I disposed of the leftovers of my new throat in a bathtub of ice and even assisted while I performed self-surgery so I could finish my thought: “…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (And THAT, in case you didn’t know, is what it looks like when you type what it sounds like when doves cry.)

I’m typing this in fingerless gloves fashioned from a golden brassiere right now just to get the word out to you melonfarmers (TV edit for m*****f******. Prince don’t swear no mo’. Respect royalty, motherfathers!) so’s ya don’t miss out on a for real, 100% legit, bona fide once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a living legend of live performance Hendrix the holy h*** outta some guitars, falsetto the f*** outta some mics and purple the s*** outta some rain! When MJ died I decided: any acts that are MUST-SEE can’t be left to see “next time.” There might not be one. Conclusion? When opportunity knocks let that b**** in and party like it’s… well, you know.

PS, Live Nation: When you told me my favourite artist of all time was coming to town? What I meant to say was “HOLY F***** S***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Don’t Throw Rocks…
Jay-Z and Kanye West: Watch The Throne Tour
Rogers Arena • Sat Dec 17 & Sun Dec 18 • Buy Tix Online Here

Don’t sit alone at home watchin’ your bone. Accept Live Nation’s cordial invitation to come to Rogers Arena Dec 17 and Watch The Throne go hard as motherfucker! All the cool kids are doin’ it!

In About Two Weeks A Teacher Will Begin To Speak…
KRS-One @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 15
Tix available @ Beat Street, Highlife, Dipt, Zulu, Red Cat & Online Here

The Blastmaster brings the boom bap to Fortune Sound Club. If you attend this show (Nov 15) you will physically transform into hip hop! It might manifest in the form of dreads, or it might make you slap a fat dude in a moo moo off stage and take his mic. Either or…

“But, but, but, but wait it gets worse!!”
Onyx @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 22
Tix @ Underworld, Dipt, Zulu & Online Here

HoldDaFucUp!! Not ONLY did these motherfuckers have a track called Blac Vagina Finda. Not ONLY did they pen Slam, one of the all-time great hip hop anthems. Not ONLY did they make calling someone Sticky Fingaz a compliment rather than something your mom busted you with once in Grade 9. They ALSO up and made my day when they announced they’d unleash that unholy, inimitable rasp on the greatest speakers of forever-ness at Fortune! If you come to the show, they’ll make yours too. Dun-duh-nuh! Dun-duh-nuh!

‘The Avengers’ Assemble

All of Marvel’s big guns come together and compete with the Dark Knight himself for the right to cinematically bukake next summer. Downey Jr. has the line of the trailer on two separate occasions! Here’s a sneak peek pervs:

‘Chronicle’

Friday Night Lights‘ last QB stars in this “found footage” style film about some punk-ass teens getting kick-ass superpowers. Shades of Akira (which is never a bad thing) but the presentation makes it all feel unique.

The 2011 BET Cyphers

I’m not huge on awards shows, but BET’s changing that with their Cyphers. All the good things about rap in one place. The first vid is the best. Yelawolf is siiiiick and Royce kills it too (”Hi Rihanna”), but the Cypher is unsurprisingly owned by the head honcho of Shady Records. Eminem already murdered the alphabet. Last year he pissed on it’s grave. Now he’s just desecrating it’s corpse. Absolutely bananas! (Make sure you watch to the end for him.) The second one is solid as well, with top-notch showings from Big K.R.I.T., Machine Gun Kelly, Kendrick Lamar and B.o.B. in beast mode. (Oh yeah: old ass Tech Nine is there too.) And the last verse on the third video (courtesy of Skillz) is nutso mango! “Y’all never came in like Jay-Z’s moustache”?! SHITDAMN!!

Shady 2.0

Indie Meets Mainstream

Skillz

Community: Remedial Chaos Theory

Anybody that’s not on board with Community yet, you’re missing one of the most consistently hilarious and creative shows on television. Don’t be a jerk to yourself. It’s a weekly dose of smart comedy, packed to the brim with pop culture references, homages to great movies, meta-commentary on the characters, (like talking about Shirley being the least popular of them in episode, a way to acknowledge and comment on the fact that she’s also the least popular character in real life among fans) and all-around mega-awesome-ness. Oh, and the naked, tiny-genital’d Chinese trunk-dude from The Hangover is all up in this motherfucker too. Anyway, if you’re one of those mooks that’s still on the fence: BAM! Here’s one of the smartest, and funniest, episodes yet, divided by “chapter.” Watch it in order. The way it builds to the madness of “Timeline Five: Troy” is masterful. (Or, short attention span suckas, just skip straight to “Timeline Five.” Even out of context it’s the best shit EVER!) If you don’t like this, you won’t like the series. And I won’t like you. And you should be ashamed of yourself. Dick.

Timeline One: Annie

Timeline Two: Shirley

Timeline Three: Pierce

Timeline Four: Britta

Timeline Five: Troy

Timeline Six: Abed

The Prime Timeline: Jeff

Epilogue: Return To Troy’s Timeline

Batman: Arkham City

The first installment in this video game franchise (Arkham Asylum) is not only the best super-hero game ever, but one of the best games ever PERIOD! From what I’ve heard, the second one pulls a ‘The Dark Knight’ and tops it. Someone buy me this shit on the PS3 now and shit!!

Batman: Year One

Stupid family. All, takin’ up my time loving me and shit. Don’t you know I gots to watch this mu’fucker right here?!

Everybody Was Kung Fu Blah Blah

You guys HAVE to read Wolverine #17. I won’t spoil it, but if the line “Is it true that Kung Fu-related deaths are already up by 200% over last year?” doesn’t interest you, you’re shittier than the dickhead adult from Footloose! It’s mo’ fun than a motherfucker! Jason Aaron’s beard wields dark magics that grant him savage writing abilities. With Hulk, Wolverine & The X-Men, Wolverine and PunisherMax… fuck, other than Uncanny X-Force & Daredevil my entire Marvel pull list consists of Jason Aaron-written titles. Anyways, Wolverine #17: Cop that shit and get caught up before next issue. Fat Cobra!

Oh, and if you like that, you’ll love this too: Secret Avengers #18 starring Bruce Lee Shang Chi and illustrated by (no stranger to Kung Fu-related deaths) David Aja. Hi-yaaaa!!

The Dark Arts of Andrea Sorrentino

[Said in my best Homer Simpson "yell-whisper" while motioning with my thumb] Check out this motherfucker! BONKERS!!!

Shamone! by Dan McDaid

“This is the best thing your eyes will ever see…” is a line usually followed by the unveiling of my peen. Here’s the second best thing!

Yo, Milk! Cheese! M.O.P.! Play me out…

– Nuv

The Day The Music Died

Pops passed away at the beginning of the summer. We used Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here for a slideshow at the funeral, and now I can’t listen to them without “something getting in my eye.” When my grandma died a few years ago, we used a Beatles song with similar results. Note to self: use shittier bands for funerals…

Same Same

Why has no one cast Elias “Casey Jones” Koteas, Christopher “Kick-Ass Fag” Meloni and DeNiro as brothers? Maybe because THEY’RE THE SAME GUY!! In related news: ever wonder why you’ve never seen Omar Epps and Mike Tomlin at the same time…

Best And Worst

Minus 30 Rock (thanks Tina Fey’s unborn child) the Thursday night comedies are back! Oh, and Wednesday’s Modern Family. I love Al Bundy’s kooky family (especially the “intelligently retarded” Phil Dunphy). Aziz and Ron Swanson are the shit on Parks and Recreation. James Spader is creepin’ up on The Steve Carrell-less Office. In a roomful of heavyweights, Community wins by a Mayweather-style “while you were apologizing” KO. It remains one of the best/most creative shows on television. And this season fuckin’ Omar from The Wire is on it! Even with guest stars of that caliber, it’s still all about Troy and Abed at the end of the day. Don’t believe me? BAM!

See? T&A are the best duo since… well since T&A. Or at least since these dudes, rendered giving each other pounds by the best-named artist ever, Henry The Worst. Behold: Dap Bros!

I know I said no segues, but that last one reminds me: THIS!

Fade To Black/Spanish

All this Troy-talk got me thinking – whether they admit it or not, I’d chalk this next one up to his campaign to play Spider-Man, despite not being a cracker-ass cracker: The first issue of Marvel’s much-hyped half-black/half-hispanic Ultimate Spider-Man came out. And? Well, it was pretty good. Too bad history (via the pen of JSM!) shows us it won’t last…

And maybe it was a blessing in disguise not getting the Spidey role, Troy. It left you more time to sharpen up them rap skills and drop this:

Please Hammer, Hurt ‘Em!

I saw Drive. You should too. I was blown away. I shouldn’t have expected anything less from the oddly named Nicolas Winding Refn. (Fuck off! Stick a vowel in there!) He did direct the equally weird/amazing Bronson. Well, you’re 2 for 2 with me Refn, despite your overly-European last name…

Driven by the top-notch, less-is-more acting of Ryan Gosling and a throbbing synth-y score, this movie is off the fuckin’ hook! Quiet poignant moments are punctuated with bursts of mega-violence, super-innovative car chase sequences and the most tense yet elegant elevator ride since 14 of us got stuck between the 4th and 5th floors, drunk, a few weeks ago and had to stage an action movie escape. (OK. So the doors came apart with minimal effort and we had to crawl and jump a few feet max. Not as cool as having to climb out the top and scale the cable in a wife-beater and say some “I’m too old for this shit” type of shit. Still, it was exciting at the time. YOU SHUT UP!)

Ahem. Where was I… oh yeah. Drive. Excellent film. I can blame Miss Teen USSR for both the real elevator incident (her birthday party) and being dragged to see her boy Gosling in a new film (her birthday proper). I’d say it evens out. So if you see me driving around in a scorpion jacket waving a hammer around out the window, you can blame her for that too…

Nuv’s “Sexist” Slap-a-Bitch Sentiment Of The Day

Behold! An image from some webcomic called Yearling. Haven’t read it. Just liked the art and the vaguely creepy overtones of this image. Not because I endorse pseudo-rape imagery. But because I love stuff that will piss off the overly-sensitive man-child pussies and wanna-be feminist blogosphere. And because I’m a cad. Fuck ‘em! Actually, this one will probably get a pass because it’s an indie. Meanwhile, DC’s Catwoman and Red Hood are “THE END OF THE WORLD!!” You’re not wrong guys, but it has nothing to do with Catwoman and Batman fucking. It’s because they’re shitty comics. You can just say that instead of burning a bra and hating sex because you don’t get any. Cool?

My (Guided) View On Digital Comics

Finally: I bought an iPad. And I’ve been reading a lot of comics digitally. I was skeptical, but I have to say, it’s pretty awesome. And not just because it will be lessening the amount of giant boxes I have to constantly move around. They’re actually doing a good job of making the experience very different from reading the print version. Looking at a static scan of a comic page on a computer monitor or iPad isn’t gonna hold a candle to physically having a piece of art in your hand. BUT a few of these mofos went and got all innovative on us. Most of the big publishers are using the Comixology engine and one of its features is Guided View. Double-tapping the screen activates it, and then a swipe of the finger takes you through the comic cinematically, panel to panel. Not only that, it will stop and focus in on things they want you to dwell on. (A background detail; a subtle change in a character’s expression; a clue that only Batman and now, you, are privy to etc). And it’ll open up at appropriate times – a giant, detailed splash page, for example – and allow you to see the scope of the artist’s money shots. Essentially, it forces you to read the comic exactly as the creators meant for you to read it. It changes the pace, feel, mood, EVERYTHING, about the experience of reading comics. I love it. And if you have an iPad, you really need to check it out ’cause you will too.

Start, like I did, with Justice League #1. Reading it with Guided View instantly turned it into a mini-summer blockbuster, and that was the verdict of not just me, but some folks who don’t normally read comics, aka the prime targets of DCs relaunch. This coupled with the consistent sell-outs of the DC’s #1 print editions at the comic shops makes me think DC’s already gotta be viewing the New 52 as a success. Here’s hoping Marvel stops worrying about looking like they’re copying DC and goes day-and-date digital too. I know it’s gonna hurt your pride admitting that the “Distinguished Competition” is leading the way for the first time in a long time, but don’t get left behind. It’s gonna take both of you to save the industry. Stop the clichéd “fight each other” part of the story and get to the team up already…

Digital Comics 2: Electric Boogaloo

Another reader I got for my iPad is called Double Feature. The app is free, and you can buy comics within it. Two 8-page short stories for .99¢. I bought one called Action Double Feature #2, and one of the stories is okay enough, if a little bit of a Tick rip-off. The other one is great.

The Liar, illustrated by Hulk artist Gabriel Hardman, is a tight, fun, smart spy thriller. Considering it cost half a buck, go out on a limb and trust that it’s worth your time. What blew me away even more than what I read was how I read it. Since for some reason they aren’t part of the Comixology family they don’t use their patented Guided View tech. Instead, they turn each comic into a special edition DVD with features you can turn on or off with a tap of the finger. Features that take you behind the process like commentary from the creators and the ability to view the comic pages normally, minus the word balloons, pencil and ink minus the color, or stripped all the way down to the rough pencil sketches.

Look. The Liar rules, as does Gabriel Hardman, and Double Feature makes this little gem shine even brighter, no lie. Buy that shit!

Bye. And shit.

– Nuv

Apps to get you started: Comics by Comixology • DC Comics • Double Feature
Mo’ comic apps fo’ yo’ ass: Marvel • Image • Dark Horse • IDW • Boom! • Dynamite • Comic Zeal

PS – This here is dedicated to someone I’d like to Kickpunch: that turd-nado Ian Explosivo. May he fuck off and die horribly.

If you don’t buy this right now, you don’t like superheroes… comics… fun… LIFE! Now go forth! Tie a towel around your neck or go commando like Supes and walk/run/fly your ass to your local comic shop and cop you a copy pronto! And no need to fly backwards around the earth if they’re sold out. (OR if you’re lazy OR running out of space for comic boxes) Make the switch from paper to pixel and let your chubby little digits do the walking – download the day-and-date* digital edition from the DC Comics app on your iPhone/iPad/iWhatever or Comixology on your computer.

*that means they both release at the same time, something Ian Premature-Ejaculate-sivo has never experienced

I’ll be back in the near future to pickup where we left off and talk about this (and the rest of the relaunch) with Ian and maybe (assuming we can get him to drop the restraining order) Mark Campbell. For now here’s some mo’ motherfuckin’ Jim Lee FOR YOUR FACES!

– Nuv

Jay-Z & Kanye West – Otis

5 Second Films: Joy Ride

Eminem Live – My Name Is / The Real Slim Shady / Without Me

Madchild – Hanging On By A Thread

Black Dynamite: The Animated Series (Pilot Episode)

The Tarantino Mixtape by Eclectic Method

Frank Miller’s Holy Terror

The Sitter Red Band Trailer

Craig Ferguson’s Aquaman Advice

The Flaming C Comicon trailer

Flame On: B.A.G. (AKA David Silver) spits raps as The Human Torch

Guts & Glory: The Golden Age of American Football

Dexter Season 6 Trailer

Run For Your Lives: The Baltimore 5K Zombie Apocalypse Marathon

Walking Dead Season 2 Trailer

5 Second Films: Zombie Bite

Kaimbr’s Flips The Karate Kid 1 & 2 Scores For His Mr. Miyagi Beat Tape

2011 YoYo World Champion

Twixt

Move

The Slow-Mo Guys: Soccer Ball To The Face

Mo’ Slow-Mo: Tempus II • Skipping Slow Motion

Ursula 1000 – Mondo Beyondo

Ursula 1000:: Mondo Beyondo from ESL Music on Vimeo.

The Last Circus

Archie’s Final Project

5 Second Films: Chin Up

THIS MUST END!: Old Spice Guy VS Fabio

Patrick Martinez flashes motherfuckers with his Neon Art.

The best ten seconds you’ve spent since losing your “flower.” Behold!
5-Second Films: An American In New York • Father & Son

Vevo hosts a “toast to the douchebags”: G.O.O.D. Music @ SXSW 2011!

Balloon T-Rex is the baddest mofo with tiny arms this side of Ian Explosivo.

Splitscreen: A Love Story. Warm fuzzes for all of you weirdos with “hearts” and “feelings” and “boners.”

The best action sequence you’ll see all year outside of the Haddow house on Ketchup chips night.

Put yourself in the movies (sort-of): The Augmented Reality Cinema App (Coming Soon)

Blood, Ink and iPhones: The First Ever Animated Tattoo. Sponsored By Weird Tooth/Gum Ratios.

Hot Wheels Metropolis II by Chris Burden makes you feel like the first time you climbed a rope in gym class. Blanks!

Senna drank gasoline and shat speed.

16-Bit Avengers Assemble!

Covering a cover: Coleco-Hulk smash!

The Little Mermaid pukes up Transformers 3.

One man. One mouth. A cappella Matrix. (Semi-related: Keanu thinks his name is pronounced “Karnoo.” Smarts!)

Like Bill Murray? Like Batman? Like Shirts? If your last name isn’t McConaughey, we’ve got something’ for youse...

Speaking of ol’ pointy ears, cop Batman: Year One for your man-cave this fall. Cop Jack Black & Michael Cera’s Year One and have somebody throw it at your stupid nuts for buying that shit.

Christopher Nolan Hates Buildings, Chapter 4: The Dark Knight Rises and reveals himself below!
(Not all, like, Ian Expose-ivo style, with trenchcoats and clammy hands and having to inform his neighbours afterwards and stuff. Sex offense gets The Gas Face around here, pa’tner!)

Listen bud: the first Amazing Spider-Man trailer has radioactive blood…

Learn the rules! Step 1 – Tilt the screen; Step 2 – Jizz your pants!

Nicolas Winding Refn, of Bronson and Weirdo Middle Name fame, throws another cinematic punch: the red band trailer for Drive…

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol is both the name of the new Tom Cruise movie AND what Scientologists achieve after death and 73 equal monthly payments of $19,000.

Rock, Paper, Zombie!

Jake Troth has a Lord Of The Rings-ass first name for a last name and loves Material Things, cha-ching!

UBC puts their Dub on your Lips. Or something much less creepy-sounding than that.

“I’m A Big Chocolate Slut” (brought to you by Apple Juice, Fax Machines, Halifax and Wooden Faces)

THIS!

Every journey has an end…

– The Outsiders

I tend to shed tears.

It’s the same tears that I shed during an Apple keynote when Steve Jobs announces a new product, or when I watch an E3 presentation announcing a new game or gaming system.

I call them Nerd Tears.

iPhone announcement ? Nerd tears. Miyamoto maestro-ing a virtual orchestra on the not-yet-announced Wii? Nerd tears. The part in Transformers 3 where the soldiers jump out of helicopters in Wingsuits to get a surprise heads up on the Decepticons? Nerd tears.

So, here begins my review of Transformers 3. I won’t go into much about plot, pacing acting or script, as this is a summer blockbuster, not Tree of Life. My thoughts going into films of this ilk are simple.

“Brain off, hard on.”

Because of that, I am always satisfied.

My overwhelming impression of this flick is that I appreciate what Michael Bay did to showcase the 3D technology. This time around the action pieces were either in a much wider panning shot for scale, or up close in slow motion, to really sell that these robots existed and interacted in our world.

We were given time to focus on the action, rather than just accept that there was action going on. Another achievement that’s worth mentioning was the use of practical special effects surrounding the Transformers. While these robots may not actually be shooting bullets and rockets in Chicago, the explosions they cause when they hit a stunt car or building were real for a majority of the shots. (Michael Bay has said they used over 250 flood damaged cars in this movie, and it showed. Except for scenes of uncanny valley human/robot interactions, you would be hard pressed to separate a CG explosion from a real pyrotechnic.)

My only beef with the flick, and maybe it’s just me, but did anyone else find the death of innocent civilians in the third act a bit jarring? I’m used to seeing military types and buildings, which we assume have people inside them, get destroyed, but some of the shots looked like a robot induced rapture. What ever particle weapons the Decepticons were packing sure had a prejudice against flesh and muscle, but were cool with keeping clothing and bones around. I was half waiting for an Optimus Prime voice-over to be cut short by Christian Bale’s John Connor filling me in on the outcome of a future war.

On the internet (the first and last authority on films) it seems to be the cool thing right now to rip Bay for repurposing shots from The Island. First off, The Island is his film, so why can’t he use these 2 – 3 seconds of film? Stock photography has been used in movies for years. Secondly, did anyone even see The Island?

As I left the theatre, I mentioned to my friends that while I was turning 29 that day, Transformers 3 made me feel like a kid again. In an adult world of responsibility, debt and disappointment, that’s gotta mean something.

Speaking of being a child… (Segue Alert!)

I don’t have a lot of memories of watching the Transformers TV show as a child, but I must have been a fan as I had oodles of Transformers toys. Then again, I’ve always been a fan of convergent technologies. My old Sony CLIE PDA was my favourite device for some time as it was my organizer, phone book and MP3 player all in one. When the iPhone came along, I put aside my PSP, DS and various other portable gadgets to keep one thing in my pocket that could do the job of many. This is probably why I enjoyed the Transformers toys. They could replace both action figures and Hot Wheels for me. If I was in a Clash of the Titans mood I could transform them into their bipedal forms, or if it was a Mad Max sort of afternoon, I could roll them out across my bedroom floor. Bang for your buck was high with an investment in this line of Hasbro toys.

We moved houses when I was 11. My job wad to pack up all my childhood things into blue plastic totes. My organization was pretty straight forward: Every box had something of mine in it. It wouldn’t be a shock to find an old EGM, GamePro and Nintendo Power magazine piled on top of an empty Wing Commander III PC game box, occupying the same space as my Nintendo Power Glove surrounded by mismatched LEGO bits.

At one point during high school I was overwhelmed by the urge to dig through my basement to relive a sliver of my childhood via the Autobots and Decepticons. The only thing shocking this time around was that there was a distinct absence of Transformers toys. Dinoriders, check. Dinobots? Nope. Tonka Construction set? Yup. Constructicons? Nada. The 7th Guest Soundtrack CD and novelization was as close to Sector 7 as I was able to find. Either I had forgotten a box in the move, or they had been moved by ghosts.

I can’t remember the circumstances surrounding how the truth finally came out, but it did.

My sister had given my Transformers toys, all of them, to her new boyfriend’s buddy. And I then gave up on my sister. In disbelief, I was just about ready to transform into a Sulkbot, or Tearcepticon.

(To be fair, she knew even in my pre-teen years I was a shrewd asshole with my stuff, and if asked my answer would have been a resounding “NO!” followed up by a “how much will he pay for them?”)

As it does, time healed everything. My sister went on to marry a man with many more Transformer toys than I could possible imagine, and I know that one day she will feel the need to make up for her past sins and give me a few of his.

Bah weep granah weep ninni bong.

– The Jolly Gamesman

The Street Fighter franchise had been in arcades since 1987 and has since gone on to expand into 66 titles selling over 31 million units. $1.5 billion of the series revenue was generated by Street Fighter II, the game on which the movie Street Fighter is based on.

An impressive 16 of the 19 playable fighters that existed in the Street Fighter universe in 1994 were included in this film. Since all of the characters were human to begin with, there wasn’t a need for the creative (and I use that word loosely) interpretation as seen in my last reviewed film, Super Mario Bros. (Sorry Steven Applebaum.)

There are a few interesting casting choices: a Mexican playing an American, an Australian playing a Brit and a Samoan playing a Japanese sumo wrestler doesn’t make a lot of sense, but they look the part when on screen, and that’s good enough for me.

Now, having a Belgium, Jean-Claude Van Damme, play an American.. Well, JCVD didn’t seem to read the notes about playing the American military Colonel Guile because the last time I checked Americans don’t have a Belgian accent. If only he had worked out his vocal muscles as much as he did the rest of his body. Putting a bit of thought into this stirred memories of Kevin Costner’s much maligned “accent” in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I wonder what’s worse, trying an accent, failing, only to end up giving up all together DURING THE FILM, or just hoping the audience wasn’t very familiar with the source material.

The Ryu, Ken, Sagat and Vega fight scene managed to fit in some of these characters signature moves without going over the top. A flameless hadouken, a grounded shoryuken, and a single spin tatsu maki senpu kyaku were a nice nod to the fans. This could have been a complete shambles had there been any glowing special effects to go along with the fighting, but like a good Christopher Nolan Batman, they managed to stay based in reality.

My only groan-worthy moment was the shoe-horning in of the Street Fighter’s least-human looking contender Blanka – a green and orange feral monster who was raised in the wilds of Brazil after a plane crash, and learned his signature electrifying abilities from electric eels. The film portrays him as a POW friend of Guiles who has genetic mutations applied to him, turning him into the monster we see on screen by Dr. Dhalsim. I suppose it makes some sense to have the two most outlandish of powered characters (a fire-breathing, levitating, Mr. Fantastic-limb-stretching teleporting yoga master and a colourful beast that can electrify his skin by waving his arm quickly) tied together in the same plot string.

I always get a little depressed watching Raul Julia perform in this film. While he chews the scenery whenever possible, I can’t help but have the same feelings that I get when watching footage of Freddie Mercury at the end of his life. A stroke took Julia down before he was able to star in any more motion pictures, leaving this as the last film in his Hollywood legacy. Bummer.

Overall, I can’t say I hate this movie. As far as fighting games to Hollywood transitions go, Street Fighter is a gem when compared to the $480,000 domestic box office flop that was DOA: Dead or Alive. It didn’t take away or add much to any of the players, and kept it silly where it needed to be, while still including the fighting and action that regular movie-goers would want to see.

While a critical flop, Street Fighter managed to gross $99 million dollars at the box office, making back it’s $35 million dollar budget, opening the door for the video game series biggest competitor Mortal Kombat, and kick starting the video game movie career of Paul W.S. Anderson, who went on to direct two Resident Evil films.

As gamers matured, so did the titles that film makers decided to adapt. So don’t put away those quarters, next time we embrace the ESRB’s and take a look at a few titles not aimed towards the kids in the audience. Read: boobs!

– The Jolly Gamesman

I, however, like to look at these games differently. I like to think of them as payback for the garbage movies from the 90’s that Hollywood vomited into existence based on our childhood past time. Let’s take a closer look at the best of the worst.

The first offender? Super Mario Bros. The Movie.

Hollywood Pictures presents a Lightmotive / Allied Filmakers Presentation of:

This I can agree with.

The movie starts off on a high point. After the usual studio logos roll, we are greeted with the familiar Super Mario Bros. theme song. So far so good.

Voice over narration and animated intro? Oh my.

That is until the tune fades along with the titles to a poorly animated 16-bit cut scene that introduces us to a duo of scowling dinosaurs with matching Brooklyn accents. We’re told via voice-over that 65 million years ago a meteorite crashed into the Brooklyn area, splitting our dimension into two. In one, humans evolved from mammals and in the other humans evolved from lizards. What if those lizards found a way to merge our dimensions and make their way back to our resource rich dimensional plain?

And so our adventure begins.

When it takes two directors and three writers to adapt a video game based on a plumber who only runs left to right, jumps on turtles, collects coins and breaks bricks with his fists, you know there might be some challenges in the enjoyment of what you’re about to watch.

If you ask anybody to describe Super Mario Brothers and the Mario Brothers universe in general, how do you think they would answer? Plumber brothers? Power up mushrooms, flowers and suits? Red and green overalls? Those sound familiar.

How about these gems: Getting hit in the testicle jokes? Bumbling henchmen who run into panes of glass to fill up the slapstick quota? How about endless minutes of boring exposition littered throughout, fleshing out the world and creating unnecessary back stories for characters?

If memory serves, the most important plot detail I needed to know from the games was that Mario had to save Princess Peach and that she was always in another castle.

It takes 18 minutes for us to get to our first action sequence. An “exciting” scene where we see the plumber brothers in action, fighting against some leaking pipes that threaten to flood our females leads dig site. Never were our heroes in danger and clearly the writers didn’t ask if anyone ever got excited by high-stakes pipe repair.

If you compile all the action scenes, watching this film starts to feel less like Mario Brothers and more like The Blues Brothers. The majority of the action is based on car chases. Vehicular hijinks were never a staple of the Mario universe until the Kart series came along and even then they were delegated to their own games and never part of a main hero quest.

One of the most insulting things about this movie is how they took familiar characters and names and made them ridiculous.

No.

Most Mario fans are familiar with the Thwomps, who are a race of spike-encrusted living stones which Mario needs to run under in order to get to the next room in a castle. In this movie Thwomps have been rebranded to a shoe manufacturer company that created a line of jet-propelled boots.

Maybe.

Oh sure, Koopa Coins are still the currency, but I don’t remember ever playing a game where the Hammer Brothers ran a tattoo parlor, where Bullet Bills was a bar, or where Goombas were 7 foot tall, shrunken-headed lizard henchmen who used rocket-propelled grenade launchers that shoot fireballs.

Fuck Right Off.

Thirty minutes into the story we meet loveable Toad, the loyal servant of Princess Peach, who has been reduced to a street busker. He is used primarily to sing a song about the sorry state of the Mushroom Kingdom and later a device for expository conversation explaining to our heroes the history of the dimension they are in.

I guess this makes sense.

At least they sort of got Yoshi right, represented here as a 3 foot tall T-Rex / Raptor hybrid, a loyal pet to the royal family of Koopas. Unfortunately he he doesn’t eat any apples, give birth to any power ups, or act as a mount to get our heroes from point A to point B.

I

I see what you did there.

The first time we even see the iconic red & green colour palette, it’s reversed. Six minutes in Mario wears green and Luigi is in red. It takes another hour until we finally see Mario and Luigi in their traditional garb.

Overall, as you may have guessed, I don’t have enough thumbs to turn downwards.

Luckily, as gamers and consoles matured, so did the storytelling. Every console on the market today has the ability to showcase Hollywood quality scripts, acting and special effects. A game like Metal Gear Solid 4 for the PlayStation 3 has 90 minutes of story that you watch after you complete the game. No longer is there a need for any interpretation of a story to another medium.

It appears that comic books are the new video games in Hollywood’s eyes, and thankfully Christopher Nolan came along and made a template for producers to follow in order to respect the source material and fans. Gone seem to be the days of adapting the over-the-top, hard-to-fit-into-our-world adventures like Final Fantasy and Doom, as some film makers have taken Nolan’s gritty, realistic approach to filming and had some success with adaptations of games like Max Payne, Hitman and Resident Evil.

But let’s not forget why we are here. Next time we take a look at the 1994, 13% rotten, Jean-Claude Van Damme action film, Street Fighter. Get ready for some high kicks!

– The Jolly Gamesman

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Fight For Your Right – Revisited

Man About Town starring Kilian Martin

Fonografiks Graphic Novel Cover Redesigns

Superman Classic

X-Men: First Class Title Sequence by The Internet’s Very Own Joe D.

Nemesis in Motion by Richard Payne (Music: Badman Silence by DJ Deceit)

Every Bone Ever Broken By Steven Seagal

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Macho Man Randy Savage on Arsenio Hall

The Ultimate Warrior meets Arsenio Hall

Don’ You Go Rounin’ Roun To Re Ro

You’re So Hot with Chris Mintz-Plasse and Dave Franco

Epic Will Ferrell Bloopers

Kerry Callen’s Super Antics

God Hates Astronauts

Classic Video Game Deaths

Purdue Rube Goldberg Machine World Record 2011

Supervillain Sopranos Homage

If Filmmakers Directed The Super Bowl

25 Years of Pixar

Gorilla Productions Muhammad Ali Tribute

Ali Sculpture Made Out Of Punching Bags