Trent Reznor/Karen O – Immigrant Song
(Nine Inch Nails + Yeah Yeah Yeahs) x Led Zeppelin = The rest of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack could be a foot coming out of the speaker to kick my nuts and I’m still buying it!

Mac Lethal – Pancake Rap
Two of our favourite things ever (pancakes and rap) join forces to make the most “FUCK YEAH!” moment on the internets

Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks/Dubstep (Butch Clancy Remix) starring Marquese “Fuck Physics!” Scott
I was convinced my eyes were liars. I could not even BELIEVE this shit. You won’t either, but just watch. All in one take, all in direct defiance of the natural laws of earth and science and shit. Black magic. Bananas. Bonkers. I have not been this blown away by what a motherfucker can do with his feet since MJ. All Hail Marquese, The Anti-Gravity Man!

Louis CK Live At The Beacon Theater Outtakes
Louis CK is the funniest sonofabitch out there right now, for realsies! If you haven’t seen his TV show, you’re missing the fuck out!! Also, he just released a comedy special exclusively on his site for $5 download (or stream). Support a true talent and go buy that shit.

Pitchfork Presents: Danny Brown & Joker – Head For Free
On the one hand: 50 didn’t sign Danny Brown because of what he looked like. Based off the hair you might think he made the right call. When he first opens his mouth, you’ll see his teeth (or lack thereof) and think your (and 50’s) first instinct was correct. When some sound starts to make it past the teeth though, you’ll realize: you’re looking at the future of rap. Sometimes the best gifts come wrapped in FUCKED UP packages. On the other hand: UK producer Joker is decidedly normal looking and still the fuckin’ TRUTH! Here’s what happens when you put them hands together…

Pitchfork Presents: Frames (Starring Big Boi)
Daddy Fat Stacks recounts a particularly crazy night in the life of OutKast, and then Dan Meth animates it.

Bellflower
This film “tells the story of two guys who build flamethrowers (I’m already in) and other weapons (double down!) in the hope that a global apocalypse (yup!) will occur and clear the way for their imaginary gang” (!!!)

Submarine
Yeah, yeah. It’s another one of “those.” Quirky coming-of-age dramedies. Seen one you seen ‘em all, right? NOPE! Don’t be a movie bigot! Give a film a chance, y’all! Or at least boycott it for not taking place entirely underwater. Or something else that hides your prejudices.

Rampart
Woddy Harrelson as a maybe-crooked, definitely-over-the-top cop in late 90s (read: post-riot) L.A. But I had you at “Woody Harrelson,” didn’t I?

For God And Country by Matt Fraction & Nathan Fox
A split screen comic following Osama Bin Laden in the last moments of his life in parallel with the soldier that killed him. Click the pic to read the comic at GQ.com

Project X
So this one pretty much looks like your average night at R2AK HQ…

I Melt WIth You
Thomas Jane AND Jeremy Piven?! Shitdamn!! We’ve been Piven fans since PCU around here. His involvement and the subject matter give this a very Very Bad Things vibe. Which is very good…

Crappy Cartoon Opening Credits: Die-Cut Glossy 90s Edition (Featuring WildC.A.T.S., Youngblood and Ultraforce)
Ass to ass to ass!

Spiked Fuckin’ Bat (BOOOWWW!!): Ghostface Killah Talks Sports

Speakin’ Of The Devil (Psych): Kagan McLeod’s Ghostface Killah Flyer
The show’s already happened (both here in Vancouver and in Toronto) but you can relive all the Eagle-wristed glory by drooling over this sick-ass flyer by the homey Kagan McLeod. Ridicu-tarded!!

Yo, Kagan ain’t even through with you pooh-butts yet, yo! If you ain’t seen his History of Rap poster, well then you ain’t seen shee-it!! Go buy one. Or two like I did so you can display the edutaining backside, full of rap facts and recommended listening for the 469 (!) hip hop icons depicted on the front. Or you can roll the die and see if you’re one of the lucky few to win one of the copies Mr. McLeod was kind enough to donate to R2AK. More details on that in January, which is around when I plan to stop drooling over them motherfuckers…

Shabazz Palaces – Black Up
Best of the year lists the world (wide web) over are shitting themselves over Shabazz Palaces (a/k/a the smooth-as-fuck/emerging from a decade of radio silence MC extraordinaire, “Butterfly” Ish from Digable Planets!) Aurally, this is on some weird ‘if-Radiohead-made-rap’ shit. Visually, it’s on some stunningly abstract, avant grade shit. Lookie here…

BONUS: R2AK ENCORE PRESENTATIONS

Parker: Martini Edition
Ian talks about this in his Xmas Wish List column from earlier this week, and Nuv has reiterated that it’s at the top of his list too. Just look at that fucking cover! (Click to enlarge.) If looks could kill we’d be some daisy-pushin’ motherfuckers right now. Oh hell, Darwyn Cooke is cooler than a polar bear’s toenails! Buy it. Then give it to us!

Jy Harris & Doug Graves (a/k/a <3 Humans)in Rawk-n-Cawk
Meet Shock Jocks DJ Dan Apex & The Human Zoo, Dale…

A. Vice – X-Miss
Happy Holidays, Ho-Ho-Hoes!

- R2AK

So Live Nation sez to me “Hey Nuv. Guess who’s coming to town.” And I’m like “Who?” And they’re like “Prince.” And I’m like “Uhhhh…” for like three hours until my throat fell out. They patiently waited while I disposed of the leftovers of my new throat in a bathtub of ice and even assisted while I performed self-surgery so I could finish my thought: “…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (And THAT, in case you didn’t know, is what it looks like when you type what it sounds like when doves cry.)

I’m typing this in fingerless gloves fashioned from a golden brassiere right now just to get the word out to you melonfarmers (TV edit for m*****f******. Prince don’t swear no mo’. Respect royalty, motherfathers!) so’s ya don’t miss out on a for real, 100% legit, bona fide once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a living legend of live performance Hendrix the holy h*** outta some guitars, falsetto the f*** outta some mics and purple the s*** outta some rain! When MJ died I decided: any acts that are MUST-SEE can’t be left to see “next time.” There might not be one. Conclusion? When opportunity knocks let that b**** in and party like it’s… well, you know.

PS, Live Nation: When you told me my favourite artist of all time was coming to town? What I meant to say was “HOLY F***** S***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Don’t Throw Rocks…
Jay-Z and Kanye West: Watch The Throne Tour
Rogers Arena • Sat Dec 17 & Sun Dec 18 • Buy Tix Online Here

Don’t sit alone at home watchin’ your bone. Accept Live Nation’s cordial invitation to come to Rogers Arena Dec 17 and Watch The Throne go hard as motherfucker! All the cool kids are doin’ it!

In About Two Weeks A Teacher Will Begin To Speak…
KRS-One @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 15
Tix available @ Beat Street, Highlife, Dipt, Zulu, Red Cat & Online Here

The Blastmaster brings the boom bap to Fortune Sound Club. If you attend this show (Nov 15) you will physically transform into hip hop! It might manifest in the form of dreads, or it might make you slap a fat dude in a moo moo off stage and take his mic. Either or…

“But, but, but, but wait it gets worse!!”
Onyx @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 22
Tix @ Underworld, Dipt, Zulu & Online Here

HoldDaFucUp!! Not ONLY did these motherfuckers have a track called Blac Vagina Finda. Not ONLY did they pen Slam, one of the all-time great hip hop anthems. Not ONLY did they make calling someone Sticky Fingaz a compliment rather than something your mom busted you with once in Grade 9. They ALSO up and made my day when they announced they’d unleash that unholy, inimitable rasp on the greatest speakers of forever-ness at Fortune! If you come to the show, they’ll make yours too. Dun-duh-nuh! Dun-duh-nuh!

‘The Avengers’ Assemble

All of Marvel’s big guns come together and compete with the Dark Knight himself for the right to cinematically bukake next summer. Downey Jr. has the line of the trailer on two separate occasions! Here’s a sneak peek pervs:

‘Chronicle’

Friday Night Lights‘ last QB stars in this “found footage” style film about some punk-ass teens getting kick-ass superpowers. Shades of Akira (which is never a bad thing) but the presentation makes it all feel unique.

The 2011 BET Cyphers

I’m not huge on awards shows, but BET’s changing that with their Cyphers. All the good things about rap in one place. The first vid is the best. Yelawolf is siiiiick and Royce kills it too (”Hi Rihanna”), but the Cypher is unsurprisingly owned by the head honcho of Shady Records. Eminem already murdered the alphabet. Last year he pissed on it’s grave. Now he’s just desecrating it’s corpse. Absolutely bananas! (Make sure you watch to the end for him.) The second one is solid as well, with top-notch showings from Big K.R.I.T., Machine Gun Kelly, Kendrick Lamar and B.o.B. in beast mode. (Oh yeah: old ass Tech Nine is there too.) And the last verse on the third video (courtesy of Skillz) is nutso mango! “Y’all never came in like Jay-Z’s moustache”?! SHITDAMN!!

Shady 2.0

Indie Meets Mainstream

Skillz

Community: Remedial Chaos Theory

Anybody that’s not on board with Community yet, you’re missing one of the most consistently hilarious and creative shows on television. Don’t be a jerk to yourself. It’s a weekly dose of smart comedy, packed to the brim with pop culture references, homages to great movies, meta-commentary on the characters, (like talking about Shirley being the least popular of them in episode, a way to acknowledge and comment on the fact that she’s also the least popular character in real life among fans) and all-around mega-awesome-ness. Oh, and the naked, tiny-genital’d Chinese trunk-dude from The Hangover is all up in this motherfucker too. Anyway, if you’re one of those mooks that’s still on the fence: BAM! Here’s one of the smartest, and funniest, episodes yet, divided by “chapter.” Watch it in order. The way it builds to the madness of “Timeline Five: Troy” is masterful. (Or, short attention span suckas, just skip straight to “Timeline Five.” Even out of context it’s the best shit EVER!) If you don’t like this, you won’t like the series. And I won’t like you. And you should be ashamed of yourself. Dick.

Timeline One: Annie

Timeline Two: Shirley

Timeline Three: Pierce

Timeline Four: Britta

Timeline Five: Troy

Timeline Six: Abed

The Prime Timeline: Jeff

Epilogue: Return To Troy’s Timeline

Batman: Arkham City

The first installment in this video game franchise (Arkham Asylum) is not only the best super-hero game ever, but one of the best games ever PERIOD! From what I’ve heard, the second one pulls a ‘The Dark Knight’ and tops it. Someone buy me this shit on the PS3 now and shit!!

Batman: Year One

Stupid family. All, takin’ up my time loving me and shit. Don’t you know I gots to watch this mu’fucker right here?!

Everybody Was Kung Fu Blah Blah

You guys HAVE to read Wolverine #17. I won’t spoil it, but if the line “Is it true that Kung Fu-related deaths are already up by 200% over last year?” doesn’t interest you, you’re shittier than the dickhead adult from Footloose! It’s mo’ fun than a motherfucker! Jason Aaron’s beard wields dark magics that grant him savage writing abilities. With Hulk, Wolverine & The X-Men, Wolverine and PunisherMax… fuck, other than Uncanny X-Force & Daredevil my entire Marvel pull list consists of Jason Aaron-written titles. Anyways, Wolverine #17: Cop that shit and get caught up before next issue. Fat Cobra!

Oh, and if you like that, you’ll love this too: Secret Avengers #18 starring Bruce Lee Shang Chi and illustrated by (no stranger to Kung Fu-related deaths) David Aja. Hi-yaaaa!!

The Dark Arts of Andrea Sorrentino

[Said in my best Homer Simpson "yell-whisper" while motioning with my thumb] Check out this motherfucker! BONKERS!!!

Shamone! by Dan McDaid

“This is the best thing your eyes will ever see…” is a line usually followed by the unveiling of my peen. Here’s the second best thing!

Yo, Milk! Cheese! M.O.P.! Play me out…

– Nuv

The Day The Music Died

Pops passed away at the beginning of the summer. We used Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here for a slideshow at the funeral, and now I can’t listen to them without “something getting in my eye.” When my grandma died a few years ago, we used a Beatles song with similar results. Note to self: use shittier bands for funerals…

Same Same

Why has no one cast Elias “Casey Jones” Koteas, Christopher “Kick-Ass Fag” Meloni and DeNiro as brothers? Maybe because THEY’RE THE SAME GUY!! In related news: ever wonder why you’ve never seen Omar Epps and Mike Tomlin at the same time…

Best And Worst

Minus 30 Rock (thanks Tina Fey’s unborn child) the Thursday night comedies are back! Oh, and Wednesday’s Modern Family. I love Al Bundy’s kooky family (especially the “intelligently retarded” Phil Dunphy). Aziz and Ron Swanson are the shit on Parks and Recreation. James Spader is creepin’ up on The Steve Carrell-less Office. In a roomful of heavyweights, Community wins by a Mayweather-style “while you were apologizing” KO. It remains one of the best/most creative shows on television. And this season fuckin’ Omar from The Wire is on it! Even with guest stars of that caliber, it’s still all about Troy and Abed at the end of the day. Don’t believe me? BAM!

See? T&A are the best duo since… well since T&A. Or at least since these dudes, rendered giving each other pounds by the best-named artist ever, Henry The Worst. Behold: Dap Bros!

I know I said no segues, but that last one reminds me: THIS!

Fade To Black/Spanish

All this Troy-talk got me thinking – whether they admit it or not, I’d chalk this next one up to his campaign to play Spider-Man, despite not being a cracker-ass cracker: The first issue of Marvel’s much-hyped half-black/half-hispanic Ultimate Spider-Man came out. And? Well, it was pretty good. Too bad history (via the pen of JSM!) shows us it won’t last…

And maybe it was a blessing in disguise not getting the Spidey role, Troy. It left you more time to sharpen up them rap skills and drop this:

Please Hammer, Hurt ‘Em!

I saw Drive. You should too. I was blown away. I shouldn’t have expected anything less from the oddly named Nicolas Winding Refn. (Fuck off! Stick a vowel in there!) He did direct the equally weird/amazing Bronson. Well, you’re 2 for 2 with me Refn, despite your overly-European last name…

Driven by the top-notch, less-is-more acting of Ryan Gosling and a throbbing synth-y score, this movie is off the fuckin’ hook! Quiet poignant moments are punctuated with bursts of mega-violence, super-innovative car chase sequences and the most tense yet elegant elevator ride since 14 of us got stuck between the 4th and 5th floors, drunk, a few weeks ago and had to stage an action movie escape. (OK. So the doors came apart with minimal effort and we had to crawl and jump a few feet max. Not as cool as having to climb out the top and scale the cable in a wife-beater and say some “I’m too old for this shit” type of shit. Still, it was exciting at the time. YOU SHUT UP!)

Ahem. Where was I… oh yeah. Drive. Excellent film. I can blame Miss Teen USSR for both the real elevator incident (her birthday party) and being dragged to see her boy Gosling in a new film (her birthday proper). I’d say it evens out. So if you see me driving around in a scorpion jacket waving a hammer around out the window, you can blame her for that too…

Nuv’s “Sexist” Slap-a-Bitch Sentiment Of The Day

Behold! An image from some webcomic called Yearling. Haven’t read it. Just liked the art and the vaguely creepy overtones of this image. Not because I endorse pseudo-rape imagery. But because I love stuff that will piss off the overly-sensitive man-child pussies and wanna-be feminist blogosphere. And because I’m a cad. Fuck ‘em! Actually, this one will probably get a pass because it’s an indie. Meanwhile, DC’s Catwoman and Red Hood are “THE END OF THE WORLD!!” You’re not wrong guys, but it has nothing to do with Catwoman and Batman fucking. It’s because they’re shitty comics. You can just say that instead of burning a bra and hating sex because you don’t get any. Cool?

My (Guided) View On Digital Comics

Finally: I bought an iPad. And I’ve been reading a lot of comics digitally. I was skeptical, but I have to say, it’s pretty awesome. And not just because it will be lessening the amount of giant boxes I have to constantly move around. They’re actually doing a good job of making the experience very different from reading the print version. Looking at a static scan of a comic page on a computer monitor or iPad isn’t gonna hold a candle to physically having a piece of art in your hand. BUT a few of these mofos went and got all innovative on us. Most of the big publishers are using the Comixology engine and one of its features is Guided View. Double-tapping the screen activates it, and then a swipe of the finger takes you through the comic cinematically, panel to panel. Not only that, it will stop and focus in on things they want you to dwell on. (A background detail; a subtle change in a character’s expression; a clue that only Batman and now, you, are privy to etc). And it’ll open up at appropriate times – a giant, detailed splash page, for example – and allow you to see the scope of the artist’s money shots. Essentially, it forces you to read the comic exactly as the creators meant for you to read it. It changes the pace, feel, mood, EVERYTHING, about the experience of reading comics. I love it. And if you have an iPad, you really need to check it out ’cause you will too.

Start, like I did, with Justice League #1. Reading it with Guided View instantly turned it into a mini-summer blockbuster, and that was the verdict of not just me, but some folks who don’t normally read comics, aka the prime targets of DCs relaunch. This coupled with the consistent sell-outs of the DC’s #1 print editions at the comic shops makes me think DC’s already gotta be viewing the New 52 as a success. Here’s hoping Marvel stops worrying about looking like they’re copying DC and goes day-and-date digital too. I know it’s gonna hurt your pride admitting that the “Distinguished Competition” is leading the way for the first time in a long time, but don’t get left behind. It’s gonna take both of you to save the industry. Stop the clichéd “fight each other” part of the story and get to the team up already…

Digital Comics 2: Electric Boogaloo

Another reader I got for my iPad is called Double Feature. The app is free, and you can buy comics within it. Two 8-page short stories for .99¢. I bought one called Action Double Feature #2, and one of the stories is okay enough, if a little bit of a Tick rip-off. The other one is great.

The Liar, illustrated by Hulk artist Gabriel Hardman, is a tight, fun, smart spy thriller. Considering it cost half a buck, go out on a limb and trust that it’s worth your time. What blew me away even more than what I read was how I read it. Since for some reason they aren’t part of the Comixology family they don’t use their patented Guided View tech. Instead, they turn each comic into a special edition DVD with features you can turn on or off with a tap of the finger. Features that take you behind the process like commentary from the creators and the ability to view the comic pages normally, minus the word balloons, pencil and ink minus the color, or stripped all the way down to the rough pencil sketches.

Look. The Liar rules, as does Gabriel Hardman, and Double Feature makes this little gem shine even brighter, no lie. Buy that shit!

Bye. And shit.

– Nuv

Apps to get you started: Comics by Comixology • DC Comics • Double Feature
Mo’ comic apps fo’ yo’ ass: Marvel • Image • Dark Horse • IDW • Boom! • Dynamite • Comic Zeal

PS – This here is dedicated to someone I’d like to Kickpunch: that turd-nado Ian Explosivo. May he fuck off and die horribly.

Using only a few minutes of screen time to link it into Marvel’s timeline, (complete with the ever present Agent Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D.), we then jump right into the story. Set mainly during World War II, and unlike the upcoming Superman and Spiderman reboots, Captain America gives us a solid origin story that we haven’t seen over and over again.

Cap is played by the ever solid Chris Evans, an actor I’ve always been a fan of. He’s fun to watch and dependable in his performances. Very few actors have had the opportunity to star in so many comic book adaptations, let alone play two Superheroes that exist in the same universe. In Fantastic Four and The Losers, he didn’t really need to stretch himself too far, nailing the sarcastic jackass beats like a pro. Captain America marks his first time as the lead in this genre, and he performs admirably. His time as Steve Rogers and transformation into Captain America was a total pleasure to watch.

While there may have been 634 individuals credited for the special effects in this film, their work was seamless. From the transformation of Evans from the 90lb Steve Rogers into the bulging Captain, the Cosmic Cube-powered laser weapons used by Hydra, and Hugo Weaving’s Red Skull, everything just clicked. The only thing that felt too CGI for me was a scene later in the film revolving around an assault on a moving train in the snow. Compositing challenges and the uncanny valley were running full speed ahead, and it just didn’t work for me. While a good chunk of these effects were digital, there was a great tangible feel to a lot of the sets and vehicles. Motorbikes, tanks and jeeps were obviously on set, and the fleshed out and detailed sound stages ranged from the lab that Iron Man himself’s dad Howard Stark worked with Stanley Tucci’s Dr. Abraham Erske to transform our hero, to the various evil lairs and airships.

I liked that I recognized a few nods to some classic movies during Captain America’s 124 minute run-time. The beginning had a strong Raiders of the Lost Ark feel, what with the untimely meeting of a bad guy and an airplane propeller, and a motorcycle action sequence seemed heavily influenced by the the speeder bike race on the forest moon of Endor in Return of the Jedi.

For a PG-13 movie, there sure were a lot of people dying. I understand that we are in the middle of a war during the film, but the sheer amount of vaporized soldiers in the film caught me off guard. Had the enemy been using bullets rather than energy beams, I doubt there would have been such a family friendly rating.

So there you have it. Well-played Marvel. Well-played.

– The Jolly Gamesman

Jay-Z & Kanye West – Otis

5 Second Films: Joy Ride

Eminem Live – My Name Is / The Real Slim Shady / Without Me

Madchild – Hanging On By A Thread

Black Dynamite: The Animated Series (Pilot Episode)

The Tarantino Mixtape by Eclectic Method

Frank Miller’s Holy Terror

The Sitter Red Band Trailer

Craig Ferguson’s Aquaman Advice

The Flaming C Comicon trailer

Flame On: B.A.G. (AKA David Silver) spits raps as The Human Torch

Guts & Glory: The Golden Age of American Football

Dexter Season 6 Trailer

Run For Your Lives: The Baltimore 5K Zombie Apocalypse Marathon

Walking Dead Season 2 Trailer

5 Second Films: Zombie Bite

Kaimbr’s Flips The Karate Kid 1 & 2 Scores For His Mr. Miyagi Beat Tape

2011 YoYo World Champion

Twixt

Move

The Slow-Mo Guys: Soccer Ball To The Face

Mo’ Slow-Mo: Tempus II • Skipping Slow Motion

Ursula 1000 – Mondo Beyondo

Ursula 1000:: Mondo Beyondo from ESL Music on Vimeo.

The Last Circus

Archie’s Final Project

5 Second Films: Chin Up

THIS MUST END!: Old Spice Guy VS Fabio

Patrick Martinez flashes motherfuckers with his Neon Art.

The best ten seconds you’ve spent since losing your “flower.” Behold!
5-Second Films: An American In New York • Father & Son

Vevo hosts a “toast to the douchebags”: G.O.O.D. Music @ SXSW 2011!

Balloon T-Rex is the baddest mofo with tiny arms this side of Ian Explosivo.

Splitscreen: A Love Story. Warm fuzzes for all of you weirdos with “hearts” and “feelings” and “boners.”

The best action sequence you’ll see all year outside of the Haddow house on Ketchup chips night.

Put yourself in the movies (sort-of): The Augmented Reality Cinema App (Coming Soon)

Blood, Ink and iPhones: The First Ever Animated Tattoo. Sponsored By Weird Tooth/Gum Ratios.

Hot Wheels Metropolis II by Chris Burden makes you feel like the first time you climbed a rope in gym class. Blanks!

Senna drank gasoline and shat speed.

16-Bit Avengers Assemble!

Covering a cover: Coleco-Hulk smash!

The Little Mermaid pukes up Transformers 3.

One man. One mouth. A cappella Matrix. (Semi-related: Keanu thinks his name is pronounced “Karnoo.” Smarts!)

Like Bill Murray? Like Batman? Like Shirts? If your last name isn’t McConaughey, we’ve got something’ for youse...

Speaking of ol’ pointy ears, cop Batman: Year One for your man-cave this fall. Cop Jack Black & Michael Cera’s Year One and have somebody throw it at your stupid nuts for buying that shit.

Christopher Nolan Hates Buildings, Chapter 4: The Dark Knight Rises and reveals himself below!
(Not all, like, Ian Expose-ivo style, with trenchcoats and clammy hands and having to inform his neighbours afterwards and stuff. Sex offense gets The Gas Face around here, pa’tner!)

Listen bud: the first Amazing Spider-Man trailer has radioactive blood…

Learn the rules! Step 1 – Tilt the screen; Step 2 – Jizz your pants!

Nicolas Winding Refn, of Bronson and Weirdo Middle Name fame, throws another cinematic punch: the red band trailer for Drive…

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol is both the name of the new Tom Cruise movie AND what Scientologists achieve after death and 73 equal monthly payments of $19,000.

Rock, Paper, Zombie!

Jake Troth has a Lord Of The Rings-ass first name for a last name and loves Material Things, cha-ching!

UBC puts their Dub on your Lips. Or something much less creepy-sounding than that.

“I’m A Big Chocolate Slut” (brought to you by Apple Juice, Fax Machines, Halifax and Wooden Faces)

THIS!

Every journey has an end…

– The Outsiders

Vile, violent villainy. A suicide mission. Impossible odds. Intricate plans. Team building. Explosives experts. Training montages. Samurai warriors. 13 Assassins. Against 200. In a near hour-long action sequence that’s intensity, violence and sheer bad-assery will have you simultaneously inching closer to the TV in slack-jawed awe and recoiling away in horror. They turn a town into a weapon, for fucksakes! Two thirds Kurosawa-homage, one third kill-stab boner-stravaganza. Mix it up and director Takashi Miike’s (molotov) cocktail will fuck you (and pretty much every character in the movie) UP! Death before dishonour, dinks!

I was a die-harder-than-Bruce Willis fan of violent Asian Cinema, from Seven Samurai to everything Bruce Lee to Ong Bak to Hard Boiled and The Killer. Chow Yun Fuckyeah! In the last few years though, I lost interest. The new shit wasn’t so new. It all seemed either retread or try-hard or not hard enough. Somehow all three of those apply to Ninja Assassin. I mean it was entertaining-ish at the time, but sort of underwhelming too. It starred a guy named Rain, though. But then it also had super-wack CG blood. Rain: countered. Ninja Assassin: ass-out. Come on, suits! You generally get samurais sorted out properly, so why the major malfunction with cinema + ninjas? Don’t these mooks know that ninjas are THE REAL ULTIMATE POWER?! Sigh…

In my opinion, you can’t fuck with ninjas, but the film world begs to differ. Between Rain & The CG Blood Factory and the severe fuckery that took place in that steaming shitheap GI Joe: Rise of Cobra, I don’t have a lot of faith. The director, Stephen Sommers, took the two coolest characters that property has and left his skidmarks all over them. “Hey, I know. Let’s give the mute Snake Eyes a mouth and leave white ninja Storm Shadow without his fucking NINJA mask so he can step up in this motherfucker just-a swingin his hair. Tatum!” Gah! These days I basically just cling to the rad ninja-shit in Batman Begins. And wish I still had Ninja Gaiden or Shinobi (or, remember this shit?: Tenchu Assassin. Roof-sneak murder-shit, sons!) Or flip through old TMNT comics. (I’m eagerly anticipating Infinite Kung-Fu. Fuckin’ martial arts and funk and zombies and shit? MINE!)

I suppose Storm Shadow did actually deliver me one positive, but it wasn’t till his stint with Cobra was long over and much cussed out, with his next role…

I saw I Saw The Devil. I have a strong stomach, so believe me when I say: It’s. Fucking. Savage. The dude that played Storm Shadow gives an angry, visceral raw nerve performance as a man hunting the batshit-crazy serial killer (played by Oldboy) that killed his pregnant fiancé. Rest assured you will wince and shudder frequently. Between fist pumps. I’d compare it to the end of Inglorious Basterds when [SPOILER WARNING: HIGHLIGHT THE BLANK AREA TO SEE THE TEXT] Tarantino gives us an uncomfortably long and intense look at Eli Roth shooting the ever-loving shit out of Hitler’s face [END SPOILER WARNING] in that it’s satisfying on a deep, dark soul-corrupting level. It’s a lot to take in and a little longer than it needed to be, but it’s a big, heaping, cold-as-fuck plate of revenge flick that I couldn’t help getting swept up in, and I liked it a lot. Through grit teeth, but I liked it a lot. The fact that this bukake of blood and ultra-violence felt justified to me made me take a long hard look at myself. Guess what I Saw in the mirror?

Anyways, between Devil and 13 Assassins I’ve decided to take up the sword once more. Consider me back on board, Asian Cinema. Ready to die. Kill ‘em all. You with me? Come on! Trust me, gaijin. Even if you can’t bring yourself to see the Devil, don’t dodge Assassins. I mean, it has the word ‘ass’ in it twice, back to back. Or, for my Requiem For A Dream-heads: “Ass-To-Ass.” Plus, you gotta see a movie that has the line “I shall accomplish your task… with magnificence.” Right?

– Nuv

I tend to shed tears.

It’s the same tears that I shed during an Apple keynote when Steve Jobs announces a new product, or when I watch an E3 presentation announcing a new game or gaming system.

I call them Nerd Tears.

iPhone announcement ? Nerd tears. Miyamoto maestro-ing a virtual orchestra on the not-yet-announced Wii? Nerd tears. The part in Transformers 3 where the soldiers jump out of helicopters in Wingsuits to get a surprise heads up on the Decepticons? Nerd tears.

So, here begins my review of Transformers 3. I won’t go into much about plot, pacing acting or script, as this is a summer blockbuster, not Tree of Life. My thoughts going into films of this ilk are simple.

“Brain off, hard on.”

Because of that, I am always satisfied.

My overwhelming impression of this flick is that I appreciate what Michael Bay did to showcase the 3D technology. This time around the action pieces were either in a much wider panning shot for scale, or up close in slow motion, to really sell that these robots existed and interacted in our world.

We were given time to focus on the action, rather than just accept that there was action going on. Another achievement that’s worth mentioning was the use of practical special effects surrounding the Transformers. While these robots may not actually be shooting bullets and rockets in Chicago, the explosions they cause when they hit a stunt car or building were real for a majority of the shots. (Michael Bay has said they used over 250 flood damaged cars in this movie, and it showed. Except for scenes of uncanny valley human/robot interactions, you would be hard pressed to separate a CG explosion from a real pyrotechnic.)

My only beef with the flick, and maybe it’s just me, but did anyone else find the death of innocent civilians in the third act a bit jarring? I’m used to seeing military types and buildings, which we assume have people inside them, get destroyed, but some of the shots looked like a robot induced rapture. What ever particle weapons the Decepticons were packing sure had a prejudice against flesh and muscle, but were cool with keeping clothing and bones around. I was half waiting for an Optimus Prime voice-over to be cut short by Christian Bale’s John Connor filling me in on the outcome of a future war.

On the internet (the first and last authority on films) it seems to be the cool thing right now to rip Bay for repurposing shots from The Island. First off, The Island is his film, so why can’t he use these 2 – 3 seconds of film? Stock photography has been used in movies for years. Secondly, did anyone even see The Island?

As I left the theatre, I mentioned to my friends that while I was turning 29 that day, Transformers 3 made me feel like a kid again. In an adult world of responsibility, debt and disappointment, that’s gotta mean something.

Speaking of being a child… (Segue Alert!)

I don’t have a lot of memories of watching the Transformers TV show as a child, but I must have been a fan as I had oodles of Transformers toys. Then again, I’ve always been a fan of convergent technologies. My old Sony CLIE PDA was my favourite device for some time as it was my organizer, phone book and MP3 player all in one. When the iPhone came along, I put aside my PSP, DS and various other portable gadgets to keep one thing in my pocket that could do the job of many. This is probably why I enjoyed the Transformers toys. They could replace both action figures and Hot Wheels for me. If I was in a Clash of the Titans mood I could transform them into their bipedal forms, or if it was a Mad Max sort of afternoon, I could roll them out across my bedroom floor. Bang for your buck was high with an investment in this line of Hasbro toys.

We moved houses when I was 11. My job wad to pack up all my childhood things into blue plastic totes. My organization was pretty straight forward: Every box had something of mine in it. It wouldn’t be a shock to find an old EGM, GamePro and Nintendo Power magazine piled on top of an empty Wing Commander III PC game box, occupying the same space as my Nintendo Power Glove surrounded by mismatched LEGO bits.

At one point during high school I was overwhelmed by the urge to dig through my basement to relive a sliver of my childhood via the Autobots and Decepticons. The only thing shocking this time around was that there was a distinct absence of Transformers toys. Dinoriders, check. Dinobots? Nope. Tonka Construction set? Yup. Constructicons? Nada. The 7th Guest Soundtrack CD and novelization was as close to Sector 7 as I was able to find. Either I had forgotten a box in the move, or they had been moved by ghosts.

I can’t remember the circumstances surrounding how the truth finally came out, but it did.

My sister had given my Transformers toys, all of them, to her new boyfriend’s buddy. And I then gave up on my sister. In disbelief, I was just about ready to transform into a Sulkbot, or Tearcepticon.

(To be fair, she knew even in my pre-teen years I was a shrewd asshole with my stuff, and if asked my answer would have been a resounding “NO!” followed up by a “how much will he pay for them?”)

As it does, time healed everything. My sister went on to marry a man with many more Transformer toys than I could possible imagine, and I know that one day she will feel the need to make up for her past sins and give me a few of his.

Bah weep granah weep ninni bong.

– The Jolly Gamesman

The Street Fighter franchise had been in arcades since 1987 and has since gone on to expand into 66 titles selling over 31 million units. $1.5 billion of the series revenue was generated by Street Fighter II, the game on which the movie Street Fighter is based on.

An impressive 16 of the 19 playable fighters that existed in the Street Fighter universe in 1994 were included in this film. Since all of the characters were human to begin with, there wasn’t a need for the creative (and I use that word loosely) interpretation as seen in my last reviewed film, Super Mario Bros. (Sorry Steven Applebaum.)

There are a few interesting casting choices: a Mexican playing an American, an Australian playing a Brit and a Samoan playing a Japanese sumo wrestler doesn’t make a lot of sense, but they look the part when on screen, and that’s good enough for me.

Now, having a Belgium, Jean-Claude Van Damme, play an American.. Well, JCVD didn’t seem to read the notes about playing the American military Colonel Guile because the last time I checked Americans don’t have a Belgian accent. If only he had worked out his vocal muscles as much as he did the rest of his body. Putting a bit of thought into this stirred memories of Kevin Costner’s much maligned “accent” in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I wonder what’s worse, trying an accent, failing, only to end up giving up all together DURING THE FILM, or just hoping the audience wasn’t very familiar with the source material.

The Ryu, Ken, Sagat and Vega fight scene managed to fit in some of these characters signature moves without going over the top. A flameless hadouken, a grounded shoryuken, and a single spin tatsu maki senpu kyaku were a nice nod to the fans. This could have been a complete shambles had there been any glowing special effects to go along with the fighting, but like a good Christopher Nolan Batman, they managed to stay based in reality.

My only groan-worthy moment was the shoe-horning in of the Street Fighter’s least-human looking contender Blanka – a green and orange feral monster who was raised in the wilds of Brazil after a plane crash, and learned his signature electrifying abilities from electric eels. The film portrays him as a POW friend of Guiles who has genetic mutations applied to him, turning him into the monster we see on screen by Dr. Dhalsim. I suppose it makes some sense to have the two most outlandish of powered characters (a fire-breathing, levitating, Mr. Fantastic-limb-stretching teleporting yoga master and a colourful beast that can electrify his skin by waving his arm quickly) tied together in the same plot string.

I always get a little depressed watching Raul Julia perform in this film. While he chews the scenery whenever possible, I can’t help but have the same feelings that I get when watching footage of Freddie Mercury at the end of his life. A stroke took Julia down before he was able to star in any more motion pictures, leaving this as the last film in his Hollywood legacy. Bummer.

Overall, I can’t say I hate this movie. As far as fighting games to Hollywood transitions go, Street Fighter is a gem when compared to the $480,000 domestic box office flop that was DOA: Dead or Alive. It didn’t take away or add much to any of the players, and kept it silly where it needed to be, while still including the fighting and action that regular movie-goers would want to see.

While a critical flop, Street Fighter managed to gross $99 million dollars at the box office, making back it’s $35 million dollar budget, opening the door for the video game series biggest competitor Mortal Kombat, and kick starting the video game movie career of Paul W.S. Anderson, who went on to direct two Resident Evil films.

As gamers matured, so did the titles that film makers decided to adapt. So don’t put away those quarters, next time we embrace the ESRB’s and take a look at a few titles not aimed towards the kids in the audience. Read: boobs!

– The Jolly Gamesman

After watching the trailer for the “new” Pirates of the Caribbean, I became intrigued by the notion of the Fountain of Youth and the concept of immortality (but not intrigued enough to waste money on that movie).

What if a fountain of youth really did exist and you had a choice to become immortal? Would you drink from it? At first glance, it would seem like a great idea. Who wouldn’t want to live forever? I know I do. There’s so much to do in this world and so many different ways of doing it, that I would be first in line to drink the fountain of youth kool-aid. “Immortality, take it, it’s yours!” But wait. With such colossal consequences hanging in the balance, let’s have a pragmatic look at immortality before we jump in the pool, shall we? (This is probably the only time you’ll see the words pragmatic and immortality in the same sentence.)

Yes, life’s too short, but that’s because we know how long we have to live. We all come out with an expiry date, and while the dates vary, there is a date. And yes, I would say a lifespan of 80 years is way too short, especially when you consider all that stuff in the beginning and the end is pretty much useless, what you’re left with really is a 60-year chunk of change in which to play with. That’s peanuts. No wonder people are obsessed with immortality. But what those people are forgetting, and probably never considered, is that we’re not talking about living another hundred years or so, but forever.

Think about that for a second. Having no end in sight in anything is a scary thought. Marriage. The Post Office. The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Depression must inevitably set in. Yeah, I suppose the first hundred years would be pretty cool, as you slowly make your way around the world, explore different careers, personalities, learn new languages, and do everything and everyone you’ve ever wanted. And then what? Give homosexuality a try? Entertain a sex change to see how the other half lives? How would you spice up your eternal sex-life?

Imagine living millions of years! I can’t even fathom what that would be like, but I can assume I’d get pretty sick of life after a while. And we’re not talking about an idealized immortality like in a fictional heaven. We’re talking about living forever in this world, with all the hardships that come with it, all the scum and wrack of your day-to-day existence, the sea of pain and despair. Watching your loved ones die while you live. Could you bear it? How would you find the strength tomorrow to go on doing the same thing you did today and have been doing for much too long? What if you find that destiny is implacable, that you’ll be crushed by the dread of more and more inescapable tomorrows? I would argue that after a while, you would dream about and seek out the fountain of death.

What would be the meaning of a life that doesn’t end? With the absence of time, there would no longer be a use for goals, short-term or otherwise. Carpe Diem? What for? You’ll have infinite days to seize, so take it easy. We need deadlines to motivate us (pun intended), as evidenced in school, work, etc., and make no mistake, death is the ultimate deadline to get us to live.

And who’s to say you would even have the means to do everything you’ve always wanted?

Where will the money come from? You would still have to work, still make a living. Let’s say you were to drink from this mythical Fountain of Youth today, what would you do tomorrow? Well, I guess after you’ve calmed down and thought about it, and realized nothing has really changed, you would probably go to work. Life goes on. And on. And on. Some think just because they’ll have all the time in the world that their lives will magically transform into a better one, but immortality doesn’t guarantee you happiness. They confuse immortality with Godhood. Gods don’t have to pay rent, you do. Forever.

Having said all that, after carefully weighing the pros and cons, I would love the chance for eternal life. I could make it work. I’m a patient man. And lazy. I could lie around all day and do nothing. “I’m not being lazy, I’m just pacing myself,” is what I would say. There are a million things I want to do, and I would be fine if it took a million years to do them. I’d be okay with that. I’m sure I’d go through a depression era somewhere in there but that’s when I do my best work. Think how prolific my writing would be! But all that doesn’t matter. Because after a few thousand years, I suppose mankind would be destroyed by either machines, apes, aliens, or zombies, and I love all those things! Loved all those movies! So a toast! To immortality! Cheers!

– Tom Day