“Look! Tiny riot gear. Awwww…” (Community continues to rule Thursday night comedy with an iron fist.)

“Sh-sh-sh-sh”-ee-it: just wait’ll you motherfuckers get a load of ‘Sandpaper’…

Lead by Hulk, The Avengers smashes it’s way into Nuv’s Top 5 Superhero Movies. For the record…

Friday Mourning…

Ty Segall whips Waldorf hairbags into a Friday night Frenzy…

Saturday Morning! (starring Stella Belle Takhar & Nuv as Himself)

– Nuv

ON OUR NEXT EPISODE: MORE NEWS ON THIS!!!
(Look closely at the names along the bottom…)

The Play Is The Thing
I already told you how good A Bomb-itty of Errors is, but if you’re silly and haven’t already gone, here’s a neon pink warning: This is your last weekend to catch it performed live in Vancouver. Lest you think I’m biased, I’m not the only one who loved it. Hence the glowing reviews from Miss 604, The Georgia Straight and The Vancouver Courier. Now, go man. Just go.

Craft-O-Matic
Make It! The Handmade Revolution is here at the Croatian Cultural Centre Friday through Sunday. Back when I was a teenager, the CCC was where you went to see punk rock bands and watch sluts make out with slut dudes. Now it’s where I’m going to snap up a bunch of crafts from people who are way more talented and resourceful than me. Further proof they know how to have a good time – booze is served. Drunk craft shopping? If you need me, I’ll be the one sweating and annoying the vendors with too many compliments. Mom drunk!
Click & print the poster below for $2 off admission.

Nerd Herd
If you’re shrugging your shoulders at crafts and Shakespearean hip hop, may I interest you in a little something called MEETING LOU FERRIGNO IN PERSON? Or, maybe, Kevin Sorbo, Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Killing’s Billy Campbell, Worf from Star Trek, or 1960s Batman (Adam West) with his Robin (Burt Ward) and THE MOTHERF-CKIN’ BATMOBILE?! What is this seemingly names-pulled-out-of-a-paper-bag crazy concoction of folks, you ask? It’s the Vancouver Fan Expo running Saturday & Sunday at the Vancouver Convention Centre. The nerd fumes will be running HIGH and I haven’t even mentioned the comic industry attendees. Along with our good friends Jason Copland & Ed Brisson, there’s gonna be greatness in the form of Pia Guerra (Y: The Last Man), Yanick Paquette (Swamp Thing), Greg Rucka (Whiteout) and Ken “Value Added” Steacy (an island boy, who was at Nuv’s very first comic convention at his boyhood comic shop, Island Fantasy). Speaking of that scoundrel, The Big Two (Nuv & Ian) will also be in attendance checking out any boobs on display and Raid-fighting (lots of blocked slaps and sweat). Admission info, the full list of attendees, special panels and photo ops here.

Pick a Flick
I looked up what was opening this weekend. Did I quickly get distracted and look at Beyonce’s Tumblr account? Maybe. I did see one movie I’d be willing to pay a lot of money to watch while eating popcorn: Jeff Who Lives At Home. I think it’s a universal truth that by now Jason Segel is the one guy most girls would friend f-ck.

Constipation Motivation
At the top of the list of weekend simple pleasures, there is really nothing better than sitting on the toilet and f-cking around on your phone. While our grandparents bravely rub their aching war wounds, our generation will grow old and bemoan our ass muscle circulation, caused by many a back-to-back game of Draw Something. Since life is pretty much just a giant competition for me, I am pretty unhappy that I am terrible at this game. To rub salt into the wound, Nuv has this really irritating habit of being good at everything. He has mastered Draw Something in ways I cannot describe. So, I’ll just let you feast your eyes on what he pulls off using a thumbnail and iPhone. Nutty.

Terrible People Laugh Loudest
This recommendation is really simple. You can even stay in. Cards Against Humanity is the greatest card game we have ever played and we play a lot of card games. The only prep you need is to have a sidekick go print off the cards somewhere like Kinko’s etc. (The cheaper the better ’cause that’s the only fee you pay for this ridiculous fun time.) And tell that good pal to pick up a bottle of Nikka whiskey on the way back. (It’s Japanese and will straighten your pubes.) The official rules are on their site. The unofficial rule is you are only playing to make each other laugh inappropriately. With that, everybody wins.
Click the pic to download a free PDF of the cards. Print. Play. THAT’S IT!

Sunday Sweetness
So, now it’s Sunday night. You’re allowed to get excited for TV. Buy a bag of the greatest snack known to man – Popcorn, Indiana’s black & white drizzled kettle corn – and be prepared to be super angry when your greedy fingers hit the bottom of the bag.

Now, grab a pillow and blanket (the long winter’s coming) and settle in for some Grade-A entertainment. First up, Game of Thrones. As of about a week ago we were on Season 1, Episode 2. Some hard core ignoring of adult responsibilities let us catch up right quick and now we are like the rest of the world and have to wait each week patiently to see what will happen next. For a gal that has never liked fantasy, history or incest, I am hooked. Favourite character – Peter Dinklage’s Tyrion Lannister. Always and forever, Dinklage.

And, finally Mad Men. Just when I thought this season was crazy amazing, they let Lane beat the sh-it out of Pete. (I will never like Pete. Even when he cries like me in an elevator.) This season can now do no wrong. Other than Megan’s mouth.

And now it’s time for bed. I wish you the sweetest of dreams. Remember – there’s only five more days until your next weekend…

WHAT I GIGGED (Yes, that’s an accurate, academically recognized word. Google it. Or just trust me.)
Cults at Venue

Ok, it was a Monday night after a long sun-dappled weekend. Fine, Sleigh Bells was playing across the street. Alright, it wasn’t their first time in VanCity. Still, this was a lame lame lame showing Vancouver. This music (as Nuv describes it “soft soft soft, LOUDLOUDLOUD”) is meant to be danced to and the last time I checked Vancouver was not experiencing a shortage of adorable tiny girls in big jewelry and tiny hats willing to dance like they have vaginal ants. Where were you Monday? Venue was a graveyard; I even had room to comfortably drape my coat across my bag because coat checks are a great way to pay for lice. I’ll tell you who was there to see the follically gifted band from NYC rip through their fantastic debut (plus bonus Leonard Cohen cover!)

• First date losers, yelling to be heard, with their back to the band – EJECT!
• Sullen suckers looking like the gig was their punishment for a terrible haircut – EJECT!
• Packs of dudes in 2012 versions of No Fear shirts looking very confused – EJECT!

WHAT I READ
Saga #2 by Brian K. Vaughan & Fiona Staples

You loved Y: The Last Man, right? ME TOO! Here’s another mega-fun and quirky Vaughan escape story. His ear for dialogue that is so tight, so funny and so legit (even when it involves royalty with TV’s for heads boning) is very evident in this futuristic fable, now two issues deep. Yeah it’s crammed full with creepy amazing creatures and chase scenes, but at it’s heart beats a love story about the unlikely romance (and resulting baby) produced between the oddest couple since Nuv & I rubbed leather jackets eight or so years ago. The art is just as skillfully weird as the story demands and (stop the presses!) it is something Nuv and I both agree is killing it right now. Saga, pancakes and morning bj’s  - the foundation of any good marriage.

America’s Got Powers #1 by Jonathan Ross & Bryan Hitch

Imagine if reality TV was great again. No housewives, hacks or heroin addicts, just good old fashioned teenagers (juiced with super powers at birth by way of an outer space crystal) battling giant robots and each other? Sounds a little Hunger Games-ish but really, like Saga, at the heart of a big flashy story is something sweet and simple – one guy you’re meant to root for. A hero to emerge that has no powers that anybody thinks are worth exploiting. Little do they know…With Guided View on, this felt like a comic and a half. I will be back for seconds when issue #2 comes out.

WHAT I WATCHED
The Raid: Redemption

Saw the reeeeeDICULOUS trailer. Snagged advance tickets to the screening (thanks Golden Age!). Pretty much slap fought each other to annoyance before the lights even dimmed. The basic plot – cops go in to raid an apartment complex infested with criminals, at the top of which sits the smoothest criminal of them all. The plan – go in and get ‘em. The result – blood, swords and bullet holes. I am not a martial arts aficionado but Nuv and Jay, who have seen their fair share of unique kicked-in-the-nuts death scenes, hooted and hollered along with the rest of the packed theatre. There are a few fight scenes where I simultaneously held my breath, half-covered my eyes and reverse farted. Look out for the tiny man with damp wrestler’s hair that might be the toughest SOB on screen ever..

WHAT I HEARD
Kendrick Lamar & Dr. Dre – The Recipe

So catchy, so smooth, so intensely summer-rific that even our kid freezes then throws up a Public Enemy fist when we put this track on. A song that perfectly captures the appeal of the best state on the best coast, this will be the slo-mo get-high-and-make-a-baby song of the year.

WHAT I GORGED ON
Dates stuffed with cheese & wrapped in prosciutto

Girls as a gender feel the need to assemble on a regular basis to make sure that we still in fact like each other. (Boys can ignore each other for 10 years and then be the best man in each other’s weddings.) So, we gather monthly, a kid and food and stories in tow, to catch up and talk sh-t about sh-t. My girls are funny, inappropriate, cuddly and crazy foodies. One friend, Heather, consistently blows our minds with her appetizer reveals. This last visit was no exception.

While the big windows (and buses and birds and doggies below) babysat Stella, we gossiped and ate this: boursin cheese-stuffed dates, wrapped in prosciutto, slid under the broiler for 8 minutes then drizzled with pear balsamic vinegar. The sly salty crunch of the charred prosciutto followed by the sweet burst of date and creamy tang of cheese is really more than one mouth can handle. So, I had four. Chased down by red apple wine we were pretty hammered happy by the end of the night.

To good friends, and a great f-cking week!

Guess who writes Oscar columns? EVERYBODY. So, I wanted to come back to the site with something a little different. Yeah yeah, I’ll do a rundown of my predictions, mostly so I can rub it in Nuv’s face if, nay WHEN, I’m proven correct (something that happens so woefully never in real life), but first I wanted to make the meaty part of this taste a little different. So, I now present, with little to no forethought, the Miss Teen USSR Oscars.

Best Scene in an Elevator
Drive

Man alive, this scene goes from drippy sexxiness to startling ferocious violence in less than 60 seconds. I’ll say it again – the Academy had 10 spots for Best Picture, only gave out 9 nominations, and Drive was not in there. That is SO egregious and not just for the population obsessed with Gosling’s every smirk and look up through a lowered gaze. Even Nuv thinks this was a robbery of the worst kind.

Best Running by a Male Lead
George Clooney in The Descendants



Have you ever tried running in sandals? Like haul-ass running? Take it from a professional (me) – it’s not easy. My wedding weekend dictated that I do wind sprints down hotel corridors and I lost my shoes in a flailing 2$ Target flip-flop mess at least 3 times. So, the scene where he runs from his house to a friend’s house to confirm some terrible news, sweating, heavy of foot and awkward, made me so happy. Even sly silver foxes that own villas in Lake Como can have a rough go of it in nature’s most comfortable yet most flimsy of footwear.

Most Enchanting Final Scene
The Artist

When I was little I used to watch Shirley Temple movies with my Grandma. That little half pint incited my very first rumblings of I WANT TO BE YOU. I desperately wanted a headful of ringlets that I could make sway and bounce, and the ability to rock ankle socks and sing and dance up and down stairways with friendly black butlers. Also – she inspired an amazing drink. Shirley Temple – so rad for so many reasons. After sitting through The Artist, glued to my seat with wide eyes and a heart full of magic, the last scene completely unlocked my internal 6 year old, giddy and filled with wonder at the magic of old time Hollywood. A mere few minutes of time that desperately made me want Stella to be old enough to watch The Little Princess with me.

Most Compelling Argument to Never Have Children
We Need to Talk about Kevin

Sitting through this movie is a slog. You don’t feel good about anything when it’s over. It made me happy to not have a son. It’s stylish and amazingly edited, directed and acted, but holy hell I was glad when it was over.

Best Travel Ad Disguised as a Movie
Midnight in Paris

Oh hello Paris. You delightful SOB. Can I come visit you right now?

Most Well-Rounded Movie
Bridesmaids

I really love a comedy that isn’t afraid to put in unfunny realistic scenarios and conversations that ring true. For me it makes the outlandish and over the top scenes even better. I’d also give this movie Best Screenplay. And the distinction of the movie that made Hangover 2 (which came out just after) look super shitty and uninspired.

The Please Be My Best Friend Award
Tie: Jessica Chastain & Marion Cotillard

I am in girl love with these women. Regardless of their utter lockdown on being the most charming and engaging women acting in film right now, I’d really like to just go get fancy coffees, use a high-end department store’s washroom and then have a sleepover with them.

Alright, now, let me try my hand at some predictions here. I’m only going to attempt the major categories I know best. Sorry Documentary Short.

Best Picture
Who will win: The Artist
Who I want to win: The Artist
There wasn’t another movie that completely transported me to a different time, space and level of delight. It makes you gush like a Gramma! Cheese and crackers!

Best Director
Who will win: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Who I want to win: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
I can’t wait to see what this dude does next. But I’d also like to ask the members of the Academy how Bennet Miller did not get nominated for Moneyball? He made a sport I give less than a shit about completely compelling.

Actor in a Leading Role
Who will win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Who I want to win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist
If Clooney has to lose to someone, I’m totally okay with it being Jean aka scamp personified.

Actress in a Leading Role
Who will win: Meryl Streep, The Iron lady
Who I want to win: Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Viola might play spoiler here. I do like her a lot, but The Help was a gross exercise in story-telling.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Who will win: Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Who I want to win: Nick Nolte, Warrior
Beginners was the third best movie I saw this year (behind The Artist and Drive), so I’m totally ok with Plummer taking this, but Nolte’s sweaty desperate turn in Warrior was pretty fantastic. Also, NOLTE! Please be in more movies. And tell Michael Keaton to join you.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Who will win: Octavia Spencer, The Help
Who I want to win: Berenice Berjo, The Artist
Long shot I know, but again, I’d rather not reward The Help in any which way at all. And Berjo was half the reason why The Artist was so perfect.

So, you know where to find me for over 4 hours tonight – plopped in front of the TV with some unrealistically high expectations and some banana bread. Oh, and one final prediction: I GUARANTEE that Billy Crystal wears the Drive jacket. Until next time Internet…

Trent Reznor/Karen O – Immigrant Song
(Nine Inch Nails + Yeah Yeah Yeahs) x Led Zeppelin = The rest of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack could be a foot coming out of the speaker to kick my nuts and I’m still buying it!

Mac Lethal – Pancake Rap
Two of our favourite things ever (pancakes and rap) join forces to make the most “FUCK YEAH!” moment on the internets

Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks/Dubstep (Butch Clancy Remix) starring Marquese “Fuck Physics!” Scott
I was convinced my eyes were liars. I could not even BELIEVE this shit. You won’t either, but just watch. All in one take, all in direct defiance of the natural laws of earth and science and shit. Black magic. Bananas. Bonkers. I have not been this blown away by what a motherfucker can do with his feet since MJ. All Hail Marquese, The Anti-Gravity Man!

Louis CK Live At The Beacon Theater Outtakes
Louis CK is the funniest sonofabitch out there right now, for realsies! If you haven’t seen his TV show, you’re missing the fuck out!! Also, he just released a comedy special exclusively on his site for $5 download (or stream). Support a true talent and go buy that shit.

Pitchfork Presents: Danny Brown & Joker – Head For Free
On the one hand: 50 didn’t sign Danny Brown because of what he looked like. Based off the hair you might think he made the right call. When he first opens his mouth, you’ll see his teeth (or lack thereof) and think your (and 50’s) first instinct was correct. When some sound starts to make it past the teeth though, you’ll realize: you’re looking at the future of rap. Sometimes the best gifts come wrapped in FUCKED UP packages. On the other hand: UK producer Joker is decidedly normal looking and still the fuckin’ TRUTH! Here’s what happens when you put them hands together…

Pitchfork Presents: Frames (Starring Big Boi)
Daddy Fat Stacks recounts a particularly crazy night in the life of OutKast, and then Dan Meth animates it.

Bellflower
This film “tells the story of two guys who build flamethrowers (I’m already in) and other weapons (double down!) in the hope that a global apocalypse (yup!) will occur and clear the way for their imaginary gang” (!!!)

Submarine
Yeah, yeah. It’s another one of “those.” Quirky coming-of-age dramedies. Seen one you seen ‘em all, right? NOPE! Don’t be a movie bigot! Give a film a chance, y’all! Or at least boycott it for not taking place entirely underwater. Or something else that hides your prejudices.

Rampart
Woddy Harrelson as a maybe-crooked, definitely-over-the-top cop in late 90s (read: post-riot) L.A. But I had you at “Woody Harrelson,” didn’t I?

For God And Country by Matt Fraction & Nathan Fox
A split screen comic following Osama Bin Laden in the last moments of his life in parallel with the soldier that killed him. Click the pic to read the comic at GQ.com

Project X
So this one pretty much looks like your average night at R2AK HQ…

I Melt WIth You
Thomas Jane AND Jeremy Piven?! Shitdamn!! We’ve been Piven fans since PCU around here. His involvement and the subject matter give this a very Very Bad Things vibe. Which is very good…

Crappy Cartoon Opening Credits: Die-Cut Glossy 90s Edition (Featuring WildC.A.T.S., Youngblood and Ultraforce)
Ass to ass to ass!

Spiked Fuckin’ Bat (BOOOWWW!!): Ghostface Killah Talks Sports

Speakin’ Of The Devil (Psych): Kagan McLeod’s Ghostface Killah Flyer
The show’s already happened (both here in Vancouver and in Toronto) but you can relive all the Eagle-wristed glory by drooling over this sick-ass flyer by the homey Kagan McLeod. Ridicu-tarded!!

Yo, Kagan ain’t even through with you pooh-butts yet, yo! If you ain’t seen his History of Rap poster, well then you ain’t seen shee-it!! Go buy one. Or two like I did so you can display the edutaining backside, full of rap facts and recommended listening for the 469 (!) hip hop icons depicted on the front. Or you can roll the die and see if you’re one of the lucky few to win one of the copies Mr. McLeod was kind enough to donate to R2AK. More details on that in January, which is around when I plan to stop drooling over them motherfuckers…

Shabazz Palaces – Black Up
Best of the year lists the world (wide web) over are shitting themselves over Shabazz Palaces (a/k/a the smooth-as-fuck/emerging from a decade of radio silence MC extraordinaire, “Butterfly” Ish from Digable Planets!) Aurally, this is on some weird ‘if-Radiohead-made-rap’ shit. Visually, it’s on some stunningly abstract, avant grade shit. Lookie here…

BONUS: R2AK ENCORE PRESENTATIONS

Parker: Martini Edition
Ian talks about this in his Xmas Wish List column from earlier this week, and Nuv has reiterated that it’s at the top of his list too. Just look at that fucking cover! (Click to enlarge.) If looks could kill we’d be some daisy-pushin’ motherfuckers right now. Oh hell, Darwyn Cooke is cooler than a polar bear’s toenails! Buy it. Then give it to us!

Jy Harris & Doug Graves (a/k/a <3 Humans)in Rawk-n-Cawk
Meet Shock Jocks DJ Dan Apex & The Human Zoo, Dale…

A. Vice – X-Miss
Happy Holidays, Ho-Ho-Hoes!

- R2AK

So Live Nation sez to me “Hey Nuv. Guess who’s coming to town.” And I’m like “Who?” And they’re like “Prince.” And I’m like “Uhhhh…” for like three hours until my throat fell out. They patiently waited while I disposed of the leftovers of my new throat in a bathtub of ice and even assisted while I performed self-surgery so I could finish my thought: “…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (And THAT, in case you didn’t know, is what it looks like when you type what it sounds like when doves cry.)

I’m typing this in fingerless gloves fashioned from a golden brassiere right now just to get the word out to you melonfarmers (TV edit for m*****f******. Prince don’t swear no mo’. Respect royalty, motherfathers!) so’s ya don’t miss out on a for real, 100% legit, bona fide once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a living legend of live performance Hendrix the holy h*** outta some guitars, falsetto the f*** outta some mics and purple the s*** outta some rain! When MJ died I decided: any acts that are MUST-SEE can’t be left to see “next time.” There might not be one. Conclusion? When opportunity knocks let that b**** in and party like it’s… well, you know.

PS, Live Nation: When you told me my favourite artist of all time was coming to town? What I meant to say was “HOLY F***** S***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Don’t Throw Rocks…
Jay-Z and Kanye West: Watch The Throne Tour
Rogers Arena • Sat Dec 17 & Sun Dec 18 • Buy Tix Online Here

Don’t sit alone at home watchin’ your bone. Accept Live Nation’s cordial invitation to come to Rogers Arena Dec 17 and Watch The Throne go hard as motherfucker! All the cool kids are doin’ it!

In About Two Weeks A Teacher Will Begin To Speak…
KRS-One @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 15
Tix available @ Beat Street, Highlife, Dipt, Zulu, Red Cat & Online Here

The Blastmaster brings the boom bap to Fortune Sound Club. If you attend this show (Nov 15) you will physically transform into hip hop! It might manifest in the form of dreads, or it might make you slap a fat dude in a moo moo off stage and take his mic. Either or…

“But, but, but, but wait it gets worse!!”
Onyx @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 22
Tix @ Underworld, Dipt, Zulu & Online Here

HoldDaFucUp!! Not ONLY did these motherfuckers have a track called Blac Vagina Finda. Not ONLY did they pen Slam, one of the all-time great hip hop anthems. Not ONLY did they make calling someone Sticky Fingaz a compliment rather than something your mom busted you with once in Grade 9. They ALSO up and made my day when they announced they’d unleash that unholy, inimitable rasp on the greatest speakers of forever-ness at Fortune! If you come to the show, they’ll make yours too. Dun-duh-nuh! Dun-duh-nuh!

‘The Avengers’ Assemble

All of Marvel’s big guns come together and compete with the Dark Knight himself for the right to cinematically bukake next summer. Downey Jr. has the line of the trailer on two separate occasions! Here’s a sneak peek pervs:

‘Chronicle’

Friday Night Lights‘ last QB stars in this “found footage” style film about some punk-ass teens getting kick-ass superpowers. Shades of Akira (which is never a bad thing) but the presentation makes it all feel unique.

The 2011 BET Cyphers

I’m not huge on awards shows, but BET’s changing that with their Cyphers. All the good things about rap in one place. The first vid is the best. Yelawolf is siiiiick and Royce kills it too (”Hi Rihanna”), but the Cypher is unsurprisingly owned by the head honcho of Shady Records. Eminem already murdered the alphabet. Last year he pissed on it’s grave. Now he’s just desecrating it’s corpse. Absolutely bananas! (Make sure you watch to the end for him.) The second one is solid as well, with top-notch showings from Big K.R.I.T., Machine Gun Kelly, Kendrick Lamar and B.o.B. in beast mode. (Oh yeah: old ass Tech Nine is there too.) And the last verse on the third video (courtesy of Skillz) is nutso mango! “Y’all never came in like Jay-Z’s moustache”?! SHITDAMN!!

Shady 2.0

Indie Meets Mainstream

Skillz

Community: Remedial Chaos Theory

Anybody that’s not on board with Community yet, you’re missing one of the most consistently hilarious and creative shows on television. Don’t be a jerk to yourself. It’s a weekly dose of smart comedy, packed to the brim with pop culture references, homages to great movies, meta-commentary on the characters, (like talking about Shirley being the least popular of them in episode, a way to acknowledge and comment on the fact that she’s also the least popular character in real life among fans) and all-around mega-awesome-ness. Oh, and the naked, tiny-genital’d Chinese trunk-dude from The Hangover is all up in this motherfucker too. Anyway, if you’re one of those mooks that’s still on the fence: BAM! Here’s one of the smartest, and funniest, episodes yet, divided by “chapter.” Watch it in order. The way it builds to the madness of “Timeline Five: Troy” is masterful. (Or, short attention span suckas, just skip straight to “Timeline Five.” Even out of context it’s the best shit EVER!) If you don’t like this, you won’t like the series. And I won’t like you. And you should be ashamed of yourself. Dick.

Timeline One: Annie

Timeline Two: Shirley

Timeline Three: Pierce

Timeline Four: Britta

Timeline Five: Troy

Timeline Six: Abed

The Prime Timeline: Jeff

Epilogue: Return To Troy’s Timeline

Batman: Arkham City

The first installment in this video game franchise (Arkham Asylum) is not only the best super-hero game ever, but one of the best games ever PERIOD! From what I’ve heard, the second one pulls a ‘The Dark Knight’ and tops it. Someone buy me this shit on the PS3 now and shit!!

Batman: Year One

Stupid family. All, takin’ up my time loving me and shit. Don’t you know I gots to watch this mu’fucker right here?!

Everybody Was Kung Fu Blah Blah

You guys HAVE to read Wolverine #17. I won’t spoil it, but if the line “Is it true that Kung Fu-related deaths are already up by 200% over last year?” doesn’t interest you, you’re shittier than the dickhead adult from Footloose! It’s mo’ fun than a motherfucker! Jason Aaron’s beard wields dark magics that grant him savage writing abilities. With Hulk, Wolverine & The X-Men, Wolverine and PunisherMax… fuck, other than Uncanny X-Force & Daredevil my entire Marvel pull list consists of Jason Aaron-written titles. Anyways, Wolverine #17: Cop that shit and get caught up before next issue. Fat Cobra!

Oh, and if you like that, you’ll love this too: Secret Avengers #18 starring Bruce Lee Shang Chi and illustrated by (no stranger to Kung Fu-related deaths) David Aja. Hi-yaaaa!!

The Dark Arts of Andrea Sorrentino

[Said in my best Homer Simpson "yell-whisper" while motioning with my thumb] Check out this motherfucker! BONKERS!!!

Shamone! by Dan McDaid

“This is the best thing your eyes will ever see…” is a line usually followed by the unveiling of my peen. Here’s the second best thing!

Yo, Milk! Cheese! M.O.P.! Play me out…

– Nuv

The Day The Music Died

Pops passed away at the beginning of the summer. We used Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here for a slideshow at the funeral, and now I can’t listen to them without “something getting in my eye.” When my grandma died a few years ago, we used a Beatles song with similar results. Note to self: use shittier bands for funerals…

Same Same

Why has no one cast Elias “Casey Jones” Koteas, Christopher “Kick-Ass Fag” Meloni and DeNiro as brothers? Maybe because THEY’RE THE SAME GUY!! In related news: ever wonder why you’ve never seen Omar Epps and Mike Tomlin at the same time…

Best And Worst

Minus 30 Rock (thanks Tina Fey’s unborn child) the Thursday night comedies are back! Oh, and Wednesday’s Modern Family. I love Al Bundy’s kooky family (especially the “intelligently retarded” Phil Dunphy). Aziz and Ron Swanson are the shit on Parks and Recreation. James Spader is creepin’ up on The Steve Carrell-less Office. In a roomful of heavyweights, Community wins by a Mayweather-style “while you were apologizing” KO. It remains one of the best/most creative shows on television. And this season fuckin’ Omar from The Wire is on it! Even with guest stars of that caliber, it’s still all about Troy and Abed at the end of the day. Don’t believe me? BAM!

See? T&A are the best duo since… well since T&A. Or at least since these dudes, rendered giving each other pounds by the best-named artist ever, Henry The Worst. Behold: Dap Bros!

I know I said no segues, but that last one reminds me: THIS!

Fade To Black/Spanish

All this Troy-talk got me thinking – whether they admit it or not, I’d chalk this next one up to his campaign to play Spider-Man, despite not being a cracker-ass cracker: The first issue of Marvel’s much-hyped half-black/half-hispanic Ultimate Spider-Man came out. And? Well, it was pretty good. Too bad history (via the pen of JSM!) shows us it won’t last…

And maybe it was a blessing in disguise not getting the Spidey role, Troy. It left you more time to sharpen up them rap skills and drop this:

Please Hammer, Hurt ‘Em!

I saw Drive. You should too. I was blown away. I shouldn’t have expected anything less from the oddly named Nicolas Winding Refn. (Fuck off! Stick a vowel in there!) He did direct the equally weird/amazing Bronson. Well, you’re 2 for 2 with me Refn, despite your overly-European last name…

Driven by the top-notch, less-is-more acting of Ryan Gosling and a throbbing synth-y score, this movie is off the fuckin’ hook! Quiet poignant moments are punctuated with bursts of mega-violence, super-innovative car chase sequences and the most tense yet elegant elevator ride since 14 of us got stuck between the 4th and 5th floors, drunk, a few weeks ago and had to stage an action movie escape. (OK. So the doors came apart with minimal effort and we had to crawl and jump a few feet max. Not as cool as having to climb out the top and scale the cable in a wife-beater and say some “I’m too old for this shit” type of shit. Still, it was exciting at the time. YOU SHUT UP!)

Ahem. Where was I… oh yeah. Drive. Excellent film. I can blame Miss Teen USSR for both the real elevator incident (her birthday party) and being dragged to see her boy Gosling in a new film (her birthday proper). I’d say it evens out. So if you see me driving around in a scorpion jacket waving a hammer around out the window, you can blame her for that too…

Nuv’s “Sexist” Slap-a-Bitch Sentiment Of The Day

Behold! An image from some webcomic called Yearling. Haven’t read it. Just liked the art and the vaguely creepy overtones of this image. Not because I endorse pseudo-rape imagery. But because I love stuff that will piss off the overly-sensitive man-child pussies and wanna-be feminist blogosphere. And because I’m a cad. Fuck ‘em! Actually, this one will probably get a pass because it’s an indie. Meanwhile, DC’s Catwoman and Red Hood are “THE END OF THE WORLD!!” You’re not wrong guys, but it has nothing to do with Catwoman and Batman fucking. It’s because they’re shitty comics. You can just say that instead of burning a bra and hating sex because you don’t get any. Cool?

My (Guided) View On Digital Comics

Finally: I bought an iPad. And I’ve been reading a lot of comics digitally. I was skeptical, but I have to say, it’s pretty awesome. And not just because it will be lessening the amount of giant boxes I have to constantly move around. They’re actually doing a good job of making the experience very different from reading the print version. Looking at a static scan of a comic page on a computer monitor or iPad isn’t gonna hold a candle to physically having a piece of art in your hand. BUT a few of these mofos went and got all innovative on us. Most of the big publishers are using the Comixology engine and one of its features is Guided View. Double-tapping the screen activates it, and then a swipe of the finger takes you through the comic cinematically, panel to panel. Not only that, it will stop and focus in on things they want you to dwell on. (A background detail; a subtle change in a character’s expression; a clue that only Batman and now, you, are privy to etc). And it’ll open up at appropriate times – a giant, detailed splash page, for example – and allow you to see the scope of the artist’s money shots. Essentially, it forces you to read the comic exactly as the creators meant for you to read it. It changes the pace, feel, mood, EVERYTHING, about the experience of reading comics. I love it. And if you have an iPad, you really need to check it out ’cause you will too.

Start, like I did, with Justice League #1. Reading it with Guided View instantly turned it into a mini-summer blockbuster, and that was the verdict of not just me, but some folks who don’t normally read comics, aka the prime targets of DCs relaunch. This coupled with the consistent sell-outs of the DC’s #1 print editions at the comic shops makes me think DC’s already gotta be viewing the New 52 as a success. Here’s hoping Marvel stops worrying about looking like they’re copying DC and goes day-and-date digital too. I know it’s gonna hurt your pride admitting that the “Distinguished Competition” is leading the way for the first time in a long time, but don’t get left behind. It’s gonna take both of you to save the industry. Stop the clichéd “fight each other” part of the story and get to the team up already…

Digital Comics 2: Electric Boogaloo

Another reader I got for my iPad is called Double Feature. The app is free, and you can buy comics within it. Two 8-page short stories for .99¢. I bought one called Action Double Feature #2, and one of the stories is okay enough, if a little bit of a Tick rip-off. The other one is great.

The Liar, illustrated by Hulk artist Gabriel Hardman, is a tight, fun, smart spy thriller. Considering it cost half a buck, go out on a limb and trust that it’s worth your time. What blew me away even more than what I read was how I read it. Since for some reason they aren’t part of the Comixology family they don’t use their patented Guided View tech. Instead, they turn each comic into a special edition DVD with features you can turn on or off with a tap of the finger. Features that take you behind the process like commentary from the creators and the ability to view the comic pages normally, minus the word balloons, pencil and ink minus the color, or stripped all the way down to the rough pencil sketches.

Look. The Liar rules, as does Gabriel Hardman, and Double Feature makes this little gem shine even brighter, no lie. Buy that shit!

Bye. And shit.

– Nuv

Apps to get you started: Comics by Comixology • DC Comics • Double Feature
Mo’ comic apps fo’ yo’ ass: Marvel • Image • Dark Horse • IDW • Boom! • Dynamite • Comic Zeal

PS – This here is dedicated to someone I’d like to Kickpunch: that turd-nado Ian Explosivo. May he fuck off and die horribly.

Using only a few minutes of screen time to link it into Marvel’s timeline, (complete with the ever present Agent Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D.), we then jump right into the story. Set mainly during World War II, and unlike the upcoming Superman and Spiderman reboots, Captain America gives us a solid origin story that we haven’t seen over and over again.

Cap is played by the ever solid Chris Evans, an actor I’ve always been a fan of. He’s fun to watch and dependable in his performances. Very few actors have had the opportunity to star in so many comic book adaptations, let alone play two Superheroes that exist in the same universe. In Fantastic Four and The Losers, he didn’t really need to stretch himself too far, nailing the sarcastic jackass beats like a pro. Captain America marks his first time as the lead in this genre, and he performs admirably. His time as Steve Rogers and transformation into Captain America was a total pleasure to watch.

While there may have been 634 individuals credited for the special effects in this film, their work was seamless. From the transformation of Evans from the 90lb Steve Rogers into the bulging Captain, the Cosmic Cube-powered laser weapons used by Hydra, and Hugo Weaving’s Red Skull, everything just clicked. The only thing that felt too CGI for me was a scene later in the film revolving around an assault on a moving train in the snow. Compositing challenges and the uncanny valley were running full speed ahead, and it just didn’t work for me. While a good chunk of these effects were digital, there was a great tangible feel to a lot of the sets and vehicles. Motorbikes, tanks and jeeps were obviously on set, and the fleshed out and detailed sound stages ranged from the lab that Iron Man himself’s dad Howard Stark worked with Stanley Tucci’s Dr. Abraham Erske to transform our hero, to the various evil lairs and airships.

I liked that I recognized a few nods to some classic movies during Captain America’s 124 minute run-time. The beginning had a strong Raiders of the Lost Ark feel, what with the untimely meeting of a bad guy and an airplane propeller, and a motorcycle action sequence seemed heavily influenced by the the speeder bike race on the forest moon of Endor in Return of the Jedi.

For a PG-13 movie, there sure were a lot of people dying. I understand that we are in the middle of a war during the film, but the sheer amount of vaporized soldiers in the film caught me off guard. Had the enemy been using bullets rather than energy beams, I doubt there would have been such a family friendly rating.

So there you have it. Well-played Marvel. Well-played.

– The Jolly Gamesman

Jay-Z & Kanye West – Otis

5 Second Films: Joy Ride

Eminem Live – My Name Is / The Real Slim Shady / Without Me

Madchild – Hanging On By A Thread

Black Dynamite: The Animated Series (Pilot Episode)

The Tarantino Mixtape by Eclectic Method

Frank Miller’s Holy Terror

The Sitter Red Band Trailer

Craig Ferguson’s Aquaman Advice

The Flaming C Comicon trailer

Flame On: B.A.G. (AKA David Silver) spits raps as The Human Torch

Guts & Glory: The Golden Age of American Football

Dexter Season 6 Trailer

Run For Your Lives: The Baltimore 5K Zombie Apocalypse Marathon

Walking Dead Season 2 Trailer

5 Second Films: Zombie Bite

Kaimbr’s Flips The Karate Kid 1 & 2 Scores For His Mr. Miyagi Beat Tape

2011 YoYo World Champion

Twixt

Move

The Slow-Mo Guys: Soccer Ball To The Face

Mo’ Slow-Mo: Tempus II • Skipping Slow Motion

Ursula 1000 – Mondo Beyondo

Ursula 1000:: Mondo Beyondo from ESL Music on Vimeo.

The Last Circus

Archie’s Final Project

5 Second Films: Chin Up

THIS MUST END!: Old Spice Guy VS Fabio

Patrick Martinez flashes motherfuckers with his Neon Art.

The best ten seconds you’ve spent since losing your “flower.” Behold!
5-Second Films: An American In New York • Father & Son

Vevo hosts a “toast to the douchebags”: G.O.O.D. Music @ SXSW 2011!

Balloon T-Rex is the baddest mofo with tiny arms this side of Ian Explosivo.

Splitscreen: A Love Story. Warm fuzzes for all of you weirdos with “hearts” and “feelings” and “boners.”

The best action sequence you’ll see all year outside of the Haddow house on Ketchup chips night.

Put yourself in the movies (sort-of): The Augmented Reality Cinema App (Coming Soon)

Blood, Ink and iPhones: The First Ever Animated Tattoo. Sponsored By Weird Tooth/Gum Ratios.

Hot Wheels Metropolis II by Chris Burden makes you feel like the first time you climbed a rope in gym class. Blanks!

Senna drank gasoline and shat speed.

16-Bit Avengers Assemble!

Covering a cover: Coleco-Hulk smash!

The Little Mermaid pukes up Transformers 3.

One man. One mouth. A cappella Matrix. (Semi-related: Keanu thinks his name is pronounced “Karnoo.” Smarts!)

Like Bill Murray? Like Batman? Like Shirts? If your last name isn’t McConaughey, we’ve got something’ for youse...

Speaking of ol’ pointy ears, cop Batman: Year One for your man-cave this fall. Cop Jack Black & Michael Cera’s Year One and have somebody throw it at your stupid nuts for buying that shit.

Christopher Nolan Hates Buildings, Chapter 4: The Dark Knight Rises and reveals himself below!
(Not all, like, Ian Expose-ivo style, with trenchcoats and clammy hands and having to inform his neighbours afterwards and stuff. Sex offense gets The Gas Face around here, pa’tner!)

Listen bud: the first Amazing Spider-Man trailer has radioactive blood…

Learn the rules! Step 1 – Tilt the screen; Step 2 – Jizz your pants!

Nicolas Winding Refn, of Bronson and Weirdo Middle Name fame, throws another cinematic punch: the red band trailer for Drive…

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol is both the name of the new Tom Cruise movie AND what Scientologists achieve after death and 73 equal monthly payments of $19,000.

Rock, Paper, Zombie!

Jake Troth has a Lord Of The Rings-ass first name for a last name and loves Material Things, cha-ching!

UBC puts their Dub on your Lips. Or something much less creepy-sounding than that.

“I’m A Big Chocolate Slut” (brought to you by Apple Juice, Fax Machines, Halifax and Wooden Faces)

THIS!

Every journey has an end…

– The Outsiders