“Look! Tiny riot gear. Awwww…” (Community continues to rule Thursday night comedy with an iron fist.)

“Sh-sh-sh-sh”-ee-it: just wait’ll you motherfuckers get a load of ‘Sandpaper’…

Lead by Hulk, The Avengers smashes it’s way into Nuv’s Top 5 Superhero Movies. For the record…

Friday Mourning…

Ty Segall whips Waldorf hairbags into a Friday night Frenzy…

Saturday Morning! (starring Stella Belle Takhar & Nuv as Himself)

– Nuv

ON OUR NEXT EPISODE: MORE NEWS ON THIS!!!
(Look closely at the names along the bottom…)

Everyone has a mock draft, and youse bitches is ALWAYS wrong.

In fact, the only picks that are certain right now are Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III at No. 1 and No. 2, respectively. Oh yeah, and there’s the Vikings, who had a press release revealing that “with the #3 overall pick, we will be choosing either Matt Kalil, Morris Claiborne, or Justin Blackmon.” NO SH#T?!? With the 3rd you’ll pick the 3rd, 4th, or 5th best player that’s not an Adrian Peterson replacement?!? F*ck you guys. When you jerkoffs pick, I’m goin’ for a piss…

Every other pick is fair game, with very few media outlets agreeing on who will go next. That’s why I’ve taken’ their ‘clear’ first 6 picks, tossed ‘em in a shaker, and poured all y’all shots of your next NFL stars. Cuz whatever order the booze is poured, you’ll get football drunk just the same. Oh, and I’ve added who they’ll taste like. Don’t worry… I meant that in a dirty way…

1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Tastes Like: Peyton Manning, Sam Bradford
This one is a no-brainer. Luck is the best quarterback prospect since who knows when, and there couldn’t be a player more fitted to succeed Peyton Manning…. But not BE Peyton Manning. It will take him a while to win, but once he does, he’ll do it for a long time. If they don’t wanna wait more than 3 years, they can get Peyton back then, and trade Luck to the Jets to replace Tim Tebow.

2. Washington Redskins – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
Tastes Like: Randall Cunningham, Cam Newton
There may not be a more exciting prospect in this year’s draft class. Think Cam Newton, except more polished. Think Randall Cunningham with more quickness and less churches. Griffin will likely be one of the top contenders for the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year, and will definitely win the award for talkin’ on the sideline phone to interfering owners.

3. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC
Tastes Like: Joe Thomas, Jake Long
Minnesota could go with a receiver at this pick, but to be honest, neither Justin Blackmon nor Michael Floyd is worth the third overall pick. Their best bet is to draft a franchise left tackle in Kalil to protect the back-ass of their franchise quarterback, Christian Ponder, and get Adrian Peterson back in his prime form (thanks for the fantasy bust, jerk). While it isn’t the sexiest pick, it is the best pick for the Vikings. Besides, they better look impressive for at least THIS year, cuz soon its gonna be easier to look sexy in L.A…. Duhn Duhn Duuuuhhhnn!

4. Cleveland Browns – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Tastes Like: Maurice Jones-Drew
There has been quite a bit of talk as to what Cleveland will do with this pick, but if they draft anyone other than Richardson, it will prove that the franchise is in complete disarray. And they’re still dumb-dumbs. A running back like Richardson doesn’t come around every year. He had more touchdowns rushing this year than almost every quarterback had passing. He has the ability to be an offensive juggernaut in Cleveland for years to come. Oh yeah, and if they can complete a handoff and pitch, the Brown’s will finally get what they want: never having to pass.

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Tastes Like: Champ Bailey
After bringing in some major free agents on the offensive side of the ball (see: Vincent Jackson, Carl Nicks), the Buccaneers will address their defense with the best cornerback in this class. This kid could be one of this generation’s next receiver-erasures like Champ, and is tough as nails, as he apparently played the last quarter of the season with a torn wrist tendon. Claiborne will also have some time to learn from, and be the eventual replacement of, future Hall of Famer Ronde Barber, when he retires in 2018.

6. St. Louis Rams – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
Tastes Like: Hakeem Nicks
The truth is that drafting Blackmon here is overdrafting him. However, no other pick makes sense for the Rams and he’s the best in the draft. They desperately need a top receiver for Sam Bradford, seeing as Brandon Lloyd douched off to New England. While Blackmon may not be yet be “elite” in most ways, he is good enough to provide a big boost to the Rams offense. Also, most scouts say he is a better pro than former teammate Dez Bryant… and gets arrested in less malls.

Oooooooh it’s gonna be drafty on April 26th!

BRRRRRRRRRR!!!

– Balls Out

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!

I used to love (watching) wrestling. I grew up a Hulkamaniac, in the era of Macho Men and Warriors, both Road and Ultimate. The heroes were huge (Giant in one case), the villains were despicable (of the throw-salt-in-your-eye and rake-your-back variety), and both always had a gimmick. Hillbillies. Sheiks. Animals. Psychos. Clowns. Barbers. Mr. T. Men that were both mythical creatures and water vessels. Dudes with attack snakes. Ian’s mom. You know, the whole menagerie.

I fell out of following the WWF (I’ll always call it that, World Wildlife Foundation be damned) around the time I fell into boning chicks and smoking, and wrestling happened to begin falling into steroid scandals and shit, and we (the public in general) now knew it was *“fake.”*

*What’s with the air quotes, Nuv? Well, while it is scripted, meaning the outcome is pre-determined, they are still doing those flips and clotheslines and taking those chair shots to the head; watch Beyond The Mat, watch Mick Foley take like 400 of ‘em to the dome, then tell me it’s “fake”… Or watch this shit, where Mick falls through the roof of the cage and wrestles the rest of the match essentially unconscious, only to get thrown off the top again! Huhthefuh?! Basically wrestling is an incredibly-choreographed, improvised live comic book/soap opera, and Mick Foley is the shit, capicé? Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah…*

I fell back into wrestling just before I crossed the gulf between my teens and twenties (That gulf was filled with blondes, both beer and broads), during the larval stages of “The Attitude Era.” In addition to the roster being different, so was everything else.

Sure, it was still a battle between good and evil, but there were a lot more shades of grey and everything was turned up to 11 in intensity and violence. Sex, sacrilege, swearing. Depraved midgets. Fat samoans wiping their asses on people’s faces. Old ladies giving birth to mannequin-hands. (Seriously. Don’t ask.) And the roster? Well, the big names had all changed. (*Well, all but one, but I’ll come back to him shortly*)

Trading in Hulk’s big foam “#1” finger for a big foam middle finger, you had the bald-headed, beer-swilling, take-no-shit Tim Stone Cold Steve Austin, whose “bottom line” was basically “fuck management.” In the other corner was said management, the reality-blurring self-lampooning boss/villain Vince McMahon, capitalizing on the real-life perceptions of him after the infamous “Montreal Screwjob” on Bret “The Hitman” Hart by playing an even bigger asshole in the ring than everyone thought he was.

In between these two ends of the spectrum were all manner of anti-heroes, heels and hoes. There was D-Generation X, pranksters and ne’er-do-wells lead by the owner of the most awesome/awful 80s-ass theme song of all times, HBK (The Heartbreak Kid) and HHH. (They also had a dude named Mr. Ass in the crew. The less said about him the better.)

There were vampires and black militants, porn stars and pimps. Vince’s (rich) son Shane McMahon was even (unnecessarily) leaping with abandon from insane heights. Sometimes through a table on top of a table into a dumpster full of thumbtacks or some shit. Or sometimes onto nothing at all. I guess he had his huuuge, rich nuts to brace his fall…

Love or stupidity, it’s hard to say, but it was fun as shit to watch, and made every Monday Night Raw must-see-TV. The live, who-the-fuck-knows-what’s-gonna-happen atmosphere. The aforementioned acrobatics. And most of all, the much improved, improvisational microphone work by funny dudes like Jericho and, the cream of the crop, grandson of legendary High Chief Peter Maivia and son of Tag Team titan Rocky Johnson (one half of the first black team to hold the Tag titles!) The People’s Champ, The Rock. I could try and tell you why The Rock is The Shit but I’d rather show you…

*That one big name I alluded to earlier, that was still around and bridged the gap between the two eras I watched, was The Undertaker, the coolest and most long-lived of the “gimmicked” wrestlers. Seriously, his entrance is goosebumps-epic, and the level at which he still performs at his age is awe-inspiring. Plus he’s got a throat-tattoo! That’s fuckin’ baaaad, jack! His reward for being a locker-room leader and a legend? His undefeated Wrestlemania streak. 19-0, more coveted than any of the title belts at this point. (I’m gonna predict 20-0 and then finally the Dead Man will rest in peace…) Bonnngggggg… Bonnngggggg…*

Wrestlemania is like the Super Bowl of wrestling’s season, where all storylines and rivalries culminate on “the grandest stage of them all.” (Yeah, they’ve been known to rock a little hyperbole here and there.) It’s also where my time as a fan culminated.

In 2003, I braved the post-9/11 American border and went to one in Seattle where both eras collided for me. Yeah, I got to see Undertaker, Jericho vs HBK, HHH, the “farewell” (in wrestling, farewells are usually Favre-style) match between Stone Cold and The Rock, the Wrestlemania debut of battle-rappin’ wrestler John Cena (more on him later) and even Brock Lesnar (botching a back flip and knocking himself out mid-match) before he was in the UFC. Sweet, eh?

IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT WAS SWEET!

It was all about the ushers of the two eras facing off, the ultimate say-your-prayers-take your-vitamins hero and the ultimate corporate-suit-capitalist-evil-mastermind-devil-himself villain: Hulk Hogan vs Vince McMahon. 5-year-old Nuv put down his rubber Hogan figurine, took his vitamins and fixed his headband. 24-year-old Nuv put down his highball, slapped your bitch and rolled up the sleeves on his velvet turtleneck. The two high-fived, and proved Ghostbusters wrong. The streams crossed. The universe exploded.

I don’t watch wrestling anymore. The legends have long since moved on for the most part, some to obscurity or reality TV (boo!). Some to successful ventures, like Mick Foley to the NY Times Best-Sellers List and The Rock to the silver screen. (Well, maybe success is too strong a word. It’s been hit – The Rundown, The Other Guys, Faster and Fast Five – and miss – The Game Plan and Fuckin’ Tooth Fairy!? Eaaattt Shit – at best.) Some, like one of the best to ever do it, childhood hero Macho Man Randy Savage, are dead.

Sometimes I’ll catch it on while flipping channels, stop for a second and be bored by the “larger-than-life” personalities they have in the squared circle these days. “John-John Morris vs Steve Dave” and shit like that. The types of generic dudes that were no-name one-and-done opponents for Hulk to show off on and mow through back in the day, in between real matches.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I flipped past Raw and stopped just in time to hear The Rock’s entrance music kick in! Out he comes. One-time thing, probably to promote a movie. Nope. He’s hosting Wrestlemania? Whaaaa?!! And suddenly it’s trending on Twitter. And suddenly, I’m gonna be watching Wrestlemania.

‘Mania has since come and gone. For the record, it was entertaining. Undertaker and HHH put on an epic (for me) grueling (for them) match and The Rock “hosting” entailed pretty much what I wanted to see. Him talkin’ shit and performing his finishing move (think ridiculous MK fatalities, minus the gore) on John Cena – who has become the closest thing this generation has to The Rock and the other icons of yesterday – while calling him a “homeless Power Ranger” and “Yabba Dabba Bitch,” and leading the crowd in a “Frui-Ty Peb-Bles” chant. And the next night, on Monday Night Raw, The Rock came back out to challenge Cena to a match… in one year… in his hometown of Miami, at…

(The ref counts. 1… 2… shoulder up!)

Wrestlemania XXVIII.

And just like that, they got me again…

– Nuv

Wrestlemania XXVIII airs TODAY! Want to see more Nuv/WWF madness? Check out his ode to the late, great Macho Man Randy Savage here. Ooooooohh Yeeeahh!! And before you go, feast your eyes on this amazing mock poster for WM28 by the NEW “Mr. Wonderful,” Paul Griffin!

That was kinda cool EH?! But back to the lecture at hand: even though we missed ads like that one, we were still glued to the TV, mute button at the ready for our incredibly shitty commercials. When football moves resumed we were spoiled by a great game that went down to the last play. Let’s start at the beginning though with Eli Manning moving the ball well and spreading it around to a bunch of different receiving targets. On his very first pass attempt, from his own end zone, Tom Brady however, threw the ball to no one and was called for intentional grounding. That’s a safety folks (insert Nelson laugh) and that’s why the score was a whopping 2-0 for a while. At the end of the first quarter, Eli connected with Victor “Salsa” Cruz and the score was 9-0. It looked like the G-Men were in complete control at this point but Brady just had to be Brady and somehow had the Pats up 10-9 at halftime. I guess he started to get flashbacks to Super Bowl XLII when their perfect season was ruined by this very team.

Madonna’s performance was pretty good to be honest, and, sure enough, she didn’t look sluttier than Nicki Minaj or M.I.A. Some people won some quarters thanks to the Material Girl and, before we knew it, the game was back on. Good thing too ’cause the second half was when shit got real! Brady made nine passes in a row at this point and eventually made 16 in a row, which is now a Super Bowl record. I guess somebody told Tommy Boy to stop being a bitch, so he whipped his hair, slammed his helmet on and had the Patriots up 17-9. Those 17 unanswered points were all the Pats could muster though as the Giants defence decided to show up and shut shit down. Eli then chose to throw the ball to anyone that was open and whoever it was caught the ball. Pretty simple if you ask me. Unless, of course, you’re a Patriot receiver late in the game. I guess they took the second half off.

The New York Football Giants won an amazing game, and my hat goes off to both teams for giving us fans a rare awesome Super Bowl… again. Eli won the MVP (and earned it) but he had a lot of other guys step up. Ahmad Bradshaw and Justin Tuck had huge games and all three receivers (Mario Manningham, Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz) were like “Samesies!” They didn’t try anything stupid and they didn’t worry when the Patriots scored 17 points in a row. Everyone knew what to do, and it sounds sappy, but they really did play as a team. I also think it’s awesome that the game came down to the Giants defense stopping Brady, that crazy offense and forcing the Patriots to have their lowest point total of the season. Damn.

And now a bit of depression kicks in, as we won’t see the NFL for a long time, but I’m fighting it. I’m choosing to look back on an amazing season and remember things like, oh I don’t know, three quarterbacks throwing for over 5000 yards! A rookie QB (Cam Newton) throwing for over 4000 yards, 21 TD’s and getting 14 rushing touchdowns! The San Francisco 49ers not allowing a rushing TD until Week 14! Sheesh! When this all settles in, there’s gonna be a lot of epic NFL Films presentations for me to swoon over, and it’ll tide me over for a while, but all too soon it’ll come crashing to an end, leaving me wondering if the 2012-13 season can top this.

I think next season will be even better because there won’t be an NFL Lockout looming over the summer. That basically means the players can do their regular off-season workout so there won’t be 1300 sprained groins on opening day again! The teams that suffered painful losses can look at the images of the Giants dancing around with their shiny new rings and use that to fuel them into getting ready for the upcoming season (49ers). Or they could just be some bitch-babies about it and mope all summer (Packers).

Heading into the seven month wait until next season, I do have some questions. Will Jesus guide young Tebow’s hand again? Will a QB break another record that stood for almost 30 years? Will there be more coach fights? Will Ray Lewis finally eat someone’s face? Will I go to another live game? Will the now healthy Peyton Manning play in Indianapolis? And, most importantly, will I actually be able to wait almost as long as it takes a chick to grow a baby for the season to start?! I hope I can. And I hope my good old pals will throw the ball around with me on Sundays to help ease the pain of waiting.

Only like 306, 803 minutes to go. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick…

Sigh.

- Jay Haddow

New York Giants

You have to start off by mentioning Eli Manning first and foremost as the MVP for the Giants this season. He threw for just under 5000 yards and 29 touchdowns (18 of those in the 4th quarter) and officially stepped out of the huge shadow cast by his brother Peyton Manning. (Legend has it that shadow was caused by Peyton’s mutant forehead.) Eli isn’t exactly the most charismatic dude but who gives a shit; he got his team to the Super Bowl, again. Time to give this guy the credit he deserves, and maybe some pointers on how to not give the most boring interviews of all time. I’ll admit that it took a while for me to warm up to the guy but after watching him this season it’s clear he really is an elite quarterback. He’s more confident now and seems to know the game itself as well as any QB. He’s also more fired up and emotional rather than being kinda meh about most things. The coaches now realize they have a QB that doesn’t need to have his hand held throughout the game cause Eli can get it done. Just ask the Patriots about the last time these two teams played in the Super Bowl.

Victor Cruz surprised the holy bejesus out of all of us this season, especially me cause he was my surprise fantasy monster, well him and Megatron! By the way I’m now officially incapable of saying the name Megatron without yelling it like Starscream would. Okay so Cruz was third in total receiving yards this season with 1536 just behind Wes Welker and… Meeegatrooon! It’s a pretty good chance that the weak ass secondary of New England is gonna get worked by Cruz early on which will lead to him getting double-teamed, which will then lead to the other 400 receiving targets Manning has being even more open. The Patriots are going to have to respect Cruz out there, much like the Giants will for Welker, but I’m positive both dudes will be major factors in the game, and then salsa with each other.

The Giants have a far superior and far less chubby defensive line. Much like the last time these teams met in the Super Bowl, the Giants D will get to Brady and punch him in his ass. I predict Brady will get sacked 6 or 7 times and get forced to make a play on almost every down. Completely (clinically?) insane and crazy intense, the Giants were second in the league this year in sacks and 1st overall in causing panic, bad decisions and piss-pants in opposing QBs. This line can be the deciding factor in Super Bowl XLVI, all they have to do is get through a decent New England offensive line, and murder Brady.

New England Patriots

Tom Brady threw for 5,235 yards and had 39 touchdowns this season. If he wins this Super Bowl he passes Joe Montana for most wins in NFL Playoff history with 17… wow! It’s weird to watch myself type this, but he’s making a pretty good case for himself to be regarded as the best quarterback of all time. It’s hard to argue against his numbers and if he wins this game on Peyton Manning’s turf, against Peyton’s baby bro, while Peyton has a fucked up neck, it will be the ultimate F-U move. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen but it’s hard to stop someone that good, especially with a ton of offensive options and a ballsy coach. Looking at Brady’s stats it’s pretty obvious he ran the entire Patriots organization this year. He attempted 611 passes and connected on 401 of them and he had 3 rushing touchdowns. He seems to be poised to win another Super Bowl and if his big guys in front of him have the game of their fat lives, then he will.

Gronk no like bad ankle, that make Gronk mad. Does anyone else expect this guy to just grunt and moan and smash the table in interviews? He literally is a beast, oh that reminds me, how’s the second part of that article coming A.T.? Ha, inside joke, you had to be there. Anyways, Rob Gronkowski is the biggest receiving threat in the game because every guy on D needs to know where he is at all times so they don’t get Gronk-Smashed in the face. This guy is impossible to defend, even for a great defense like the one in New York, even if said defense double-teams him. Look at these numbers, 1327 yards receiving and 17 touchdowns, and he’s a tight end! How does a tight end finish the season with the second most touchdowns?! Now we’re in the playoffs and Gronk has been banged up a bit and all the buzz this week has been about his sprained ankle and the possibility of him not playing. I don’t think I’m buying that. Can you imagine having the season he’s had and then sitting out the Super Bowl? Gronk will play and be a huge pain in the ass for the Giants secondary. Gronk Smash!

I’m a sucker for NFL Films, so when I watched A Football Life: Bill Belichick I said to myself “Crap, now I like him, great!” I didn’t think I’d ever like the convicted cheater, but I do, and I respect the way he deals with his players, especially Brady. Those two have a relationship you just don’t see that often in sports: a coach and a player on equal terms calmly discussing how to be successful. Belichick has respect for Brady, as he should, and often lets Brady decide what it’s going to take to win the game, and that just doesn’t happen on any other team. When I stack the Giants and the Pats up against each other, I have to give the coaching edge to the Pats. I know Tom Coughlin is a great coach and he’s great at challenges, but he doesn’t have the same set of balls that Hooded-Monk has. Belichick also slots in players at odd positions like TE Aaron Hernandez at running back and WR Julian Edelman at corner back. It’s just the ‘Patriot Way’ apparently but it does shake up how the coaches on the other teams prepare for the game, and I kinda like it. It’s just how he rolls. I’m just happy that this Super Bowl has at least one coach that will go for it on 4th and 15.

It’s a little sad to be at the end of yet another amazing NFL season but at the same time I can’t wait for this rematch. I’m having a hard time deciding who’s going to win and it seems I have some coin flipping to do. Nah that ain’t me! I’m going to say the Giants will win this rematch. Their D is that good and their receivers are going to light up that jerry-rigged secondary of the Patriots. My score is below… and I’m out!

Giants 27, Patriots 23

– Jay Haddow

My score: Ravens 24, Patriots 28. Actual score: Ravens 20, Patriots 23
My score: Giants 20, 49ers 17. Actual score: Giants 20, 49ers 17

AFC Championship

Ravens vs. Patriots

I was actually hoping the Ravens were gonna pull this off but then Billy “The Whiff” Cundiff had to go fuck that up, now didn’t he! There are now reports coming out of Baltimore that he was rushed and didn’t get into his routine before the kick. Pfft, whatevs dude, you choked. What a waste of energy from all that inspirational screaming Ray Lewis does before the game. The Ravens did everything else right which is why this must be so painful for their fans. They got a great game out of the offense, and the defense held the Patriots to their lowest point total since Week 9. Less impressively, the Ravens also had six penalties called against them compared to 0 the week before. The Patriots capitalized on those mistakes and the game was over.

Yes, the Pats did a decent job but they didn’t win the game, the Ravens lost it. Tom Brady didn’t throw a touchdown pass and nobody really stood out on the Patriots side. I guess that means it was a team effort but the game still left a bad taste in my mouth. Ravens fans are running out of quality time before most of the defence is moved into a Seniors Home so it hurts extra bad to end the season on a missed kick. Oh, I just found out that Ray Lewis will be back next year. Probably as the new kicker.

NFC Championship

Giants vs. 49ers

I guess Victor Cruz read my last article that outlined his general meh-ness from the week before, ’cause that guy was out of his damn mind! He had 10 receptions for 142 yards and the 49ers had no answer for him (no TD Salsa dance though, sorry ladies.) Eli Manning also gave good game by throwing for 316 yards and two touchdowns, and only one droopy hang-dog face after a miscue by Cruz.

The game itself lived up to the hype as both defenses were pretty hard to beat, and it seemed like each quarterback was sacked like 42 times. There were tons of forced fumbles including two by Kyle Williams that were both recovered by the Giants. (Have fun reporting to camp next year pal.) The 49ers didn’t trust their QB Alex Smith enough as he only threw 26 times and the team gained only five first downs with a pass. To put that in perspective, the Giants gained a first down 17 times with the pass. Smith didn’t have a bad game, he just only had Vernon Davis to throw to. Manning spread the ball around a lot more, getting eight people in on receptions.

The 49ers clearly had a tiny playbook that day, but they did take the Giants to overtime and were exciting to watch all year. Speaking of overtime… When is the NFL going to realize that the current system just ain’t right? You can’t have sudden death when each team gets a separate series of possessions. It’s just weird.

The Pro Bowl

The NFL All-Star game is this Sunday and I’m gonna watch like 4 minutes of it. I’ve never actually watched an entire Pro Bowl in my life because I don’t really understand how or why it exists. I get that the players bring their families to Hawaii and schmooze with all the Hall of Famers and all that, but how do you play actual football? You certainly can’t tackle the shit out of a guy, which then makes defensive players that are voted to the Pro Bowl kinda useless right? The NFL would like to award you for your fine defensive play with a trip to Hawaii and to play in the Pro Bowl, but you better not do your job and play defence or So Help Me God!

Being a football fan that loves his defence, the Pro Bowl just doesn’t do it for me and it’s kinda weird watching something so violent and awesome turn into nicey backyard football. I don’t think there should even be a game. Maybe just have a skills competition, or maybe a hotdog eating contest, or better yet, a who can get the most court appearances contest!

So, there we are. Be sure to tune in next week as I travel down the road that the Patriots and Giants took to get to Super Bowl XLVI for this epic rematch. I hope we pick up a one-eyed hitchhiker dressed as a robot pirate!

– Jay Haddow

My score: Saints 28, 49ers 19. Actual Score: Saints 32, 49ers 36
My score: Broncos 34, Patriots 31. Actual Score: Broncos 10, Patriots 45
My score: Texans 13, Ravens 24. Actual Score: Texans 13, Ravens 20
My score: Giants 27, Packers 31. Actual Score: Giants 37, Packers 20

I would like to start off by giving a 20-minute standing ovation to the Saints and 49ers. That game had just about everything. Crazy turnovers, lots of touchdowns, 4 lead changes in the last 4 minutes, and a grown man crying, to name a few. That game set the tone for an epic weekend that I guess Jesus decided to skip. Speaking of Jesus, Tim Tebow had as many pass attempts (26) as Tom Brady had pass completions. Even with Christ himself up your ass for luck, you can’t win a game that way. But hey I’m not here to live in the past, or piss off any more churchies. I’m here to talk about each team that has made it to the Conference Finals, and if you’re lucky, a prediction of the scores. Let’s do this!

AFC Championship

Baltimore Ravens

I love teams that have a good defense so by rights I mega-love the Ravens. These old dudes handled the potent offense of the Houston Texans no problem last week, but they now have to deal with the Brady Bunch. They have a tough task ahead of them and they’re going to need a very good game from the very vanilla Joe Flacco. The guy should also probably just shut up and play ball instead of bitching about how the media blames him for the Ravens getting knocked out of the playoffs last year. Oh and if you have a rad moustache as a good luck charm, don’t bitch about that either. The Ravens have a suffocating secondary that can match up with any receivers or tight ends. They have Ray Lewis and an amazing set of linebackers. They have a rad coach and defensive coordinator, but their defensive line needs to get to Brady. They didn’t sack T.J. Yates once! I thought he would’ve ended up on the ground like 5 times. If the Ravens play the D they’re known for, they can make some noise and move on but this is probably the last chance they have as Lewis, Suggs and Reed are a combined 98 years old. That’s 98 years of crazy old man strength though.

New England Patriots

The only pure offensive powerhouse left. They have so many weapons it’s kinda not fair but can the Ravens counter them all? The Patriots are like those rich kids you knew growing up that were good looking and good at everything and really super easy to hate. But the more I think about it, the more I actually respect the Patriots and realize, I have no reason to hate this team. They’re exciting and pretty much just like the Packers who everybody loves now. Both teams are pure offense and it showed this season as they were ranked worst, and second worst respectively in defense. So why else should you go for them? They have two tight ends that are impossible to stop: Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez. The Gronker will get above everyone and must be double-teamed, oh, and it takes two dudes and a net to bring him down. Meanwhile, Aaron Hernandez is left open to do all kinds of crazy things like slot in as a running back. This just shows me that this is the kind of team that is entertaining; a team that will try crazy shit behind their tunic-clad head Coach. I’m looking forward to Brady and the Gronk vs. Lewis and T. Sizzle. Wow, they should stop handing out nicknames.

Final Score
Ravens 24, Patriots 28

NFC Championship

New York Giants

Arguably the best team overall for the last three weeks. They’re getting consistent play from everyone, except the receivers. Okay, so Hakeem Nicks has stepped up but where are Mario Manningham and Victor Cruz, and when they do show up, why are they dropping easy passes? Eli Manning’s face can’t get any more hang-dog than when you idiots drop the ball, and I don’t like that face, it’s very slappable. Besides, Manning is playing great right now so if the receivers do their jobs, this team isn’t fun to play against. The front four on defense are also playing lights out while still wearing intimidating masks that would make me pee out my ass if I was a quarterback facing that. The Giants pretty much dominated the defending champs on their home turf with a balanced running and pass attack. They kept it simple and trusted their quarterback when they needed too. I don’t know if the 49ers can do the same as experience is way over on the Giants side of the ball. One rad thing that might happen is if the Giants go on to win the Super Bowl, Eli will flash his ring in big bro Peyton’s face, prompting a pissy slap-filled brother fight that I myself have a lot of experience in.

San Francisco 49ers

They have a well rounded and hungry team with a dangerous defense, oh and they’re riding an emotional high from their last win. I got caught up in the magic of that game and the “underdogs” coming out on top. But now that the hangover is gone, I’m looking at this team and thinking, Alex Smith won’t have a millisecond to make a decision. Smith had a great game though and shut me up instantly when he took off and ran in an epic touchdown, but the Giants D will be going after him like he stole from a blind puppy. That’s where the run game comes in and I’m afraid the Giants will be ready for that too. I know the 49ers have a lot of weapons but they’re young and will make mistakes that they can’t afford if the Giants play well. Once again, it will come down to the 49ers defense to keep the game close and the fans to energize the home team. The wildcard in all of this is the Coach Jim Harbaugh. He’s infinitely more entertaining than New York’s Coach Tom Coughlin and anytime a player runs off the field to cry in his coaches arms earns my respect… and a little snicker.

Final Score
Giants 20, 49ers 17

While typing this I realized I put the predictions of the scores in. Lucky you. I also realized that we’re going to have a rematch of Super Bowl XLII. It’s just logic folks and it comes down to experience and Quarterbacks and the Giants and Patriots win in both categories. But maybe it’s fate that the Ravens will face the 49ers and the Harbaugh brothers will kick the crap out of each other at halftime. Oh man can you imagine if they started fighting on stage while Madonna’s singing and then start crying and run to Mom and Dad! We’ll have to wait and see. I just know I want exciting football and a whole lotta crying!

– Jay Haddow

My score: Bengals 9, Texans 34. Actual score: Bengals 10, Texans 31
My score: Lions 27, Saints 37. Actual score: Lions 28, Saints 45
My score: Steelers 42, Broncos 10. Actual score: Steelers 23, Broncos 29
My score: Falcons 21, Giants 24. Actual score: Falcons 2, Giants 24

I did a pretty good job on the Saturday games, but on Sunday, Tim Tebow happened. I had predicted that the Steelers were going to do awful things to Tebow, but they most certainly did not. I guess Jesus heard that and was like “pfft… whatevs.” The game ended pretty dramatically in Tebow’s favour and I looked up to the heavens and I swear I saw Jesus himself mouthing the word “biiieeetch” while flippin me the bird. Ah well, this weekend coming up is going to be pretty epic so here are my predictions for the Divisional Playoffs.

Saints vs. 49ers

The weekend will start off with a classic great offense vs. great defense match up. I’m excited to see if the 49ers can stop Drew Brees and if the Saints can stop Frank Gore. I’m going to predict monster games for both guys, especially Brees. He threw for 466 yards and had 3 TD’s last week, so basically that dude is playing out of his dick right now! He also had Darren Sproles with him who seemed to be everywhere and had two TD’s himself. As for the 49ers, they’re going to need a solid game from their quarterback Alex Smith, a big game from Gore and a miracle game from Patrick Willis and the rest of that awesome defense. I think the Saints offense is too much though, even for a great defense that the 49ers have. If the 49ers blitz on every down they might have a chance, or they could try cutting the power to the stadium again like some hobos.

Final Score
Saints 28, 49ers 19

Broncos vs. Patriots

How do I say Tebow is going to lose this time for sure? Well, I can’t. I’ve learned my lesson now and getting called a bitch by Jesus again is not how I wish to spend my weekend. Last week I realized that I hate the Broncos, but I already know I hate the Patriots and will be praying they get Tebowed. The Patriots are a great team and on paper they should win this game, but then again, Jesus doesn’t care about fuckin paper, he cares about the Denver Fucking Broncos! I actually think this will be a close game, especially if the Patriots aren’t able to get to Tebow and shake him off his game. If Tebow has time, he’s going to make the Patriots pay with the Vick-style game he could potentially have. Instead of going with my head, I’m going to go with my heart and say that the Broncos will win it. Also, as I’m writing this, Jesus has a gun to my head, and a toothpick in his mouth!

Final Score
Broncos 34, Patriots 31

Texans vs. Ravens

The Texans have won their first playoff game, and they’re probably gonna have to wait until next year to get their second. The Ravens are going to stop the Texans running game and force rookie quarterback T.J. Yates to make bad decisions. I’m already picturing a shit ton of sacks and a couple of interceptions from the old, but completely insane, Ravens defense. I like the Texans offense but this is the team’s second playoff game in franchise history, and we all know the Ravens have had a tad more than that. Joe Flaco will have to make a couple passes and then lean on Ray Rice to get a touchdown or two and the game will be over. I’m predicting the Ravens will win easily but I’m also predicting the Ravens defense will have more points than the offense. Oh yeah, ya heard me!

Final Score
Texans 13, Ravens 24

Giants vs. Packers

Sweet merciful crap this is gonna be good! I like both teams a lot and they’ve definitely had some rad games against each other in recent history. The two quarterbacks playing in this game are at the top of their respective games and are both in the top 5 for all major quarterback categories this season. The Packers game plan will be pretty simple: score a bunch of points like we always do. The Giants game plan will be: let’s try and get at least one punt out of them. The Giants obviously have a tough task but they’re ultimately going to lose this one. As much as I like (and am terrified by) the Giants defensive line, they can’t get to Rodgers on every down. I want this game to be close and I think the Giants running game and a solid performance from Manning will make my wish come true, but the receivers need to make some plays and not drop a single pass.

Final Score
Giants 27, Packers 31

So is Jesus gonna represent again this weekend? Is he going to guide Tebow’s hand towards the light? Is he gonna shank me in the common area? It’s an interesting time in the NFL when most analysts, in fact all of them, can’t say the Patriots will win without adding “but you never know with Tebow.” The guy throws for 316 yards on 10 passes against the Steelers, throws for two touchdowns and runs one in himself. Maybe it’s time to give the kid some credit. If he and the sweet lord baby Jesus beat Tom Brady and the Patriots, we’ll have to. Wait a minute… maybe Tebow IS Jesus?!?!

- Jay Haddow

December 1

The first of the month we posse’d up, crossed the border & I saw my first live NFL game! (That dullard Jay Haddow manages to string together something resembling words and describes the experience HERE.) The best part was that we were ourselves (drunk and fighting each other through the streets while A.T. the Bartender was flexing his supreme tact and impeccable taste via a ‘North American Pussy Crushers’ t-shirt and Jay’s twin – yeah, sorry to say, there are two of ‘em – rocked a damned do-rag!) and we didn’t get arrested or kicked out of the country! Sick-stravaganza!

December 25

Christmas was also retarded special needs! It was my daughter’s second, but really the first one where she wasn’t a blob of adorable nothingness. You know what that means! If you said “Miss Teen USSR forcing her to open presents big, coloured squares that don’t mean shit to her, through grit teeth, ’cause you will like Christmas dammit!” you would be correct! Although if you said “a mini purple armchair to match Pops’, mad blu-rays and dolls and books, a baby Ironhead hoodie from Uncle Piggy, a magnetic helicopter, a superhero-dinosaur backpack and matching mask, her first colouring book and crayons, a stylish apron, a Grover microphone, a talking treehouse full of crazy-ass Zoo creatures (no Haddow), a giant plush Super Mario coin box that makes the noises when you hit it with your domepiece, AND her name in motherfuckin’ Run DMC-typeface on a shirt!” we will also accept that answer. Stella be all like, “Gimme the loot, gimme the loot…”

December 26

Boxing Day was Fizjmas (don’t ask), the annual get-together between me and my stupid-ass circle of friends (whom I’ve been bound to by black magic and legally binding contracts since elementary school). I can’t say much about it. I’ve been sworn to secrecy on the EPIC events of that night. Uh, or I can’t remember anything past that shot of 151 I did out of the midgets. (No, you read that right. No apostrophe intended and that WAS the end of the sentence.) Choose your own adventure, folks! Either flip to the next paragraph or take my ass to the nearest STD test! Fizj!!

December 16 &17 (Featuring December 14)

And the shows! Sweet Andy Griffith, the shows!! I already talked about December 14th’s early evening visit with Ghostface Killah OF FUCKING WU-TANG CLAN (pardon the yelling).

And that was just the warm-up to the craziest back-to-back concert tag team EVER! Separated only by one night, and in the same venue no less! I’m talkin’ ’bout the one-two punch of the 16th and 17th: The Royal Weekend. Saturday night we would be watching The Throne. The dream team of two of the biggest titans in rap’s pantheon. Jay-Z & Kanye West.

And that ain’t even shit!

Friday night. Oh, motherfuck me, Friday night. Not a Friday night. THE Friday night! PRINCE, LIVE!?!! The one I’d been waiting for since I was 4! Ever since deciding purple was regal and declaring it my favourite colour. Since bumping Purple Rain on vinyl and wearing out 1999 on tape and tapping my feet in the theatre seat to his Batman Soundtrack. Since my mom finding out Apollonia’s titties got purified in the waters of ‘Lake Minnetonka’ in the film and mercilessly forbidding me to see it. (I had to wait a year or so until my brother was ‘babysitting’ me and get him to rent “that movie with the weird little gaylord” to occupy me while he ‘occupied’ his girlfriend downstairs.) Where all everyone else saw was the blouses and androgyny, I saw a hybrid of Hendrix, James Brown, Little Richard, Sly Stone… the list goes on forever. Point being, he wears his musical influences on his (frilly) sleeve and has the talent to, despite his diminutive stature, stand shoulder to shoulder with these musical giants. Don’t believe me?

HOW ‘BOUT NOW, LONGHAIRS?! The only thing better than his guitar wizardry is his guitar face! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg’s dick! Prince can (and does) play every instrument. One man band. Force of nature. Weirdo. He’ll kick your ass at basketball for breakfast and then serve you breakfast for dessert! So much creativity he had to create whole other acts to release it all (see: Vanity 6 / Apollonia 6, Tevin Campbell, Morris motherfuckin’ Day & The motherfuckin’ Time!) and gave away hit, career-making songs like they weren’t shit (see: The Bangles, Chaka Khan, Sheena Easton, pre-Pope-bashing Sinead O’Connor, etc.). Plus: no matter how many women’s clothing racks he raided he got ALL the pussy! (see: Kim Basinger, Carmen Electra, Madonna, Vanity, Apollonia.) And he even staked claim to the few chicks that didn’t get “the 7 inch in the computer” by stickin’ ‘em in his band (see: Sheila E, Wendy & Lisa). So diss his clothes all you want, tough guy. He’ll just be over there fucking your soulmate. In the soul. And then he’s gonna pose nude in a bed of flowers and pretend he’s finger-banging himself. No big whoop, Short Round!

So… how was it? Well…

I waited MY WHOLE LIFE for this show! The least you can do is wait 7 days, mu’fuckers!! Plus, that means it’ll be exactly one month to the day(s) from show to review. Which means, well, nothing, but it sounds like… destiny? Or something? Except I’m posting them on opposite days so… I DON’T KNOW. Shut up, already! Damn! Just come back in a week, mmm-kay? Monday: THE THRONE! Tuesday: PRINCE!! Today? PEEEAACE!!!

– Nuv

Bengals vs. Texans

The only way the Bengals are going to win this game is if Rookie Quarterback Andy Dalton has the game of his young life. One issue he’ll have though, is facing a Texans defense that ranks 3rd overall in yards allowed per game. Fellow rookie quarterback T.J. Yates will have a tough task as well, but the Texans are lucky to have an incredible ground game (with Arian Foster and Ben Tate) that can be leaned on for a win in case Yates crumbles. The only back up plan the Bengals have is summoning a real Bengal from the spirit realm to help them. But in reality they’re just going to lose badly in lame uniforms. Oh, and the Bengals haven’t won a playoff game in 21 years, so there’s that too.

Final Score
Bengals 9, Texans 34

Lions vs. Saints

This will be the best offensive game in the history of sports! Both teams rank in the top 5 for offensive yards per game, with the Saints ranking first in overall yards and passing yards. It’s a shame that one team will have to lose this game. It’s been a lot of fun watching both these teams play, especially the up and down Lions, but it will all have to come to an end Saturday. As much as I like the Lions, they’re going to lose. First of all, the Saints must be pissed for losing to the Seahawks a year ago, and they’re going to take it out on the Lions. The Saints also have Drew Brees who just broke Dan Marino’s record of most passing yards in a season. The Lions defense isn’t nearly good enough to stop him, and they’re not experienced enough. I wish both teams could play next week but, oh well, I’m a jerk so I deserve it.

Final Score
Lions 27, Saints 37

Steelers vs. Broncos

This will be the last you see of Tim Tebow for a while because the Steelers are going to rape him. I’m not even kidding, full on rape. That very experienced defense of the Steelers is going to destroy the inexperienced quarterback and his prayers won’t be heard beyond the steel curtain of rape. I’ve enjoyed watching the Tebow magic,  but I think it’s already run out and the proven Steelers have a level 9 magic spell to counter it. The Broncos also kinda suck, but their defense could step up and make things tricky for the hobbled and most likely hung-over Roethlisberger. The Steelers have too many weapons though and in the end, it’s going to be an ugly score. I think I just realized that I hate the Broncos. Neat.

Final Score
Steelers 42, Broncos, 10

Falcons vs. Giants

This is a hard one to call. Both teams looked extra scary last week and I’m pretty sure they’d rather stab each other in the face in a parking lot than play the game. Not totally sure why I just said that but I made you think both teams are crazy, didn’t I?! I actually like both teams and they match up pretty damn well. Both teams have a good quarterback, multiple receiving targets and scary defensive lines. This game will come down to which ever D-Line can get to the other QB more often and sack his nuts! The only real edge I’ll give to either team is to the team that’s at home. So, sorry Falcons, but you won’t even be able hear your own crazy thoughts on 3rd down.

Final Score
Falcons 21, Giants 24

– Jay Haddow