Trent Reznor/Karen O – Immigrant Song
(Nine Inch Nails + Yeah Yeah Yeahs) x Led Zeppelin = The rest of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack could be a foot coming out of the speaker to kick my nuts and I’m still buying it!

Mac Lethal – Pancake Rap
Two of our favourite things ever (pancakes and rap) join forces to make the most “FUCK YEAH!” moment on the internets

Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks/Dubstep (Butch Clancy Remix) starring Marquese “Fuck Physics!” Scott
I was convinced my eyes were liars. I could not even BELIEVE this shit. You won’t either, but just watch. All in one take, all in direct defiance of the natural laws of earth and science and shit. Black magic. Bananas. Bonkers. I have not been this blown away by what a motherfucker can do with his feet since MJ. All Hail Marquese, The Anti-Gravity Man!

Louis CK Live At The Beacon Theater Outtakes
Louis CK is the funniest sonofabitch out there right now, for realsies! If you haven’t seen his TV show, you’re missing the fuck out!! Also, he just released a comedy special exclusively on his site for $5 download (or stream). Support a true talent and go buy that shit.

Pitchfork Presents: Danny Brown & Joker – Head For Free
On the one hand: 50 didn’t sign Danny Brown because of what he looked like. Based off the hair you might think he made the right call. When he first opens his mouth, you’ll see his teeth (or lack thereof) and think your (and 50’s) first instinct was correct. When some sound starts to make it past the teeth though, you’ll realize: you’re looking at the future of rap. Sometimes the best gifts come wrapped in FUCKED UP packages. On the other hand: UK producer Joker is decidedly normal looking and still the fuckin’ TRUTH! Here’s what happens when you put them hands together…

Pitchfork Presents: Frames (Starring Big Boi)
Daddy Fat Stacks recounts a particularly crazy night in the life of OutKast, and then Dan Meth animates it.

Bellflower
This film “tells the story of two guys who build flamethrowers (I’m already in) and other weapons (double down!) in the hope that a global apocalypse (yup!) will occur and clear the way for their imaginary gang” (!!!)

Submarine
Yeah, yeah. It’s another one of “those.” Quirky coming-of-age dramedies. Seen one you seen ‘em all, right? NOPE! Don’t be a movie bigot! Give a film a chance, y’all! Or at least boycott it for not taking place entirely underwater. Or something else that hides your prejudices.

Rampart
Woddy Harrelson as a maybe-crooked, definitely-over-the-top cop in late 90s (read: post-riot) L.A. But I had you at “Woody Harrelson,” didn’t I?

For God And Country by Matt Fraction & Nathan Fox
A split screen comic following Osama Bin Laden in the last moments of his life in parallel with the soldier that killed him. Click the pic to read the comic at GQ.com

Project X
So this one pretty much looks like your average night at R2AK HQ…

I Melt WIth You
Thomas Jane AND Jeremy Piven?! Shitdamn!! We’ve been Piven fans since PCU around here. His involvement and the subject matter give this a very Very Bad Things vibe. Which is very good…

Crappy Cartoon Opening Credits: Die-Cut Glossy 90s Edition (Featuring WildC.A.T.S., Youngblood and Ultraforce)
Ass to ass to ass!

Spiked Fuckin’ Bat (BOOOWWW!!): Ghostface Killah Talks Sports

Speakin’ Of The Devil (Psych): Kagan McLeod’s Ghostface Killah Flyer
The show’s already happened (both here in Vancouver and in Toronto) but you can relive all the Eagle-wristed glory by drooling over this sick-ass flyer by the homey Kagan McLeod. Ridicu-tarded!!

Yo, Kagan ain’t even through with you pooh-butts yet, yo! If you ain’t seen his History of Rap poster, well then you ain’t seen shee-it!! Go buy one. Or two like I did so you can display the edutaining backside, full of rap facts and recommended listening for the 469 (!) hip hop icons depicted on the front. Or you can roll the die and see if you’re one of the lucky few to win one of the copies Mr. McLeod was kind enough to donate to R2AK. More details on that in January, which is around when I plan to stop drooling over them motherfuckers…

Shabazz Palaces – Black Up
Best of the year lists the world (wide web) over are shitting themselves over Shabazz Palaces (a/k/a the smooth-as-fuck/emerging from a decade of radio silence MC extraordinaire, “Butterfly” Ish from Digable Planets!) Aurally, this is on some weird ‘if-Radiohead-made-rap’ shit. Visually, it’s on some stunningly abstract, avant grade shit. Lookie here…

BONUS: R2AK ENCORE PRESENTATIONS

Parker: Martini Edition
Ian talks about this in his Xmas Wish List column from earlier this week, and Nuv has reiterated that it’s at the top of his list too. Just look at that fucking cover! (Click to enlarge.) If looks could kill we’d be some daisy-pushin’ motherfuckers right now. Oh hell, Darwyn Cooke is cooler than a polar bear’s toenails! Buy it. Then give it to us!

Jy Harris & Doug Graves (a/k/a <3 Humans)in Rawk-n-Cawk
Meet Shock Jocks DJ Dan Apex & The Human Zoo, Dale…

A. Vice – X-Miss
Happy Holidays, Ho-Ho-Hoes!

- R2AK

– Jy Harris & Doug Graves

1a. A four-footed mammal as distinguished from a human being
1b. An animal under human control
2. A contemptible person
3. Something formidably difficult to control or deal with

The football world brews beasts. Monsters among men. Physical freaks that do things mere men aren’t supposed to be able to do. In a time when these men are getting bigger-faster-stronger, they are also getting… Better. And younger. In this entry, I give you the baddest of the bad men in only their first two seasons in the NFL. In other words, be prepared to see many more years of young bucks in BEEEEEAST MOOOOOODE!

Cam Newton, QB
Carolina Panthers

As the first beast in the first game of his first season, he threw for over 400 yards. Then proceeded to tie the record for rushing touchdowns by a QB in a game, and break the record for rushing touchdowns by a QB in a season in the same game… IN HIS FIRST F#CKING YEAR!!! Sh*t, if he had Tebow’s defense, he’d have his games won by the last 2 minutes of the 3rd instead of the 4th. Oh, and by the way, he represents God too….. But Superman a little more.

Jimmy Graham, TE
New Orleans Saints

First there was Tony Gonzalez, a power forward for the vaulted Cal basketball program. Then there was Antonio Gates with the same credentials. Now there’s Jimmy. Jimmy likes basketball. Jimmy is also too much of a “tweener” for the NBA. Here Jimmy, go up and catch this football. Ooooh, Jimmy gooood. As much as the league went crazy for the other two in their second seasons, his numbers are even better. And he still has a few games left. He’s also the reason stadiums have guys ready to straighten out the field goal uprights after his vicious touchdown dunks. And with Drew Brees chuckin’ to him for a while more? “Jam, jam, here comes the man, Goddamn.” (R.I.P. Heavy D.)

Jason Pierre-Paul, DE
New York Giants

He didn’t even like football until his senior year in high school. Now in just his fifth year of playing the game, he’s possibly the best defensive lineman on the best defensive line in the league. And (prepare for bold statement…) the best pure athlete in the league of the best pure athletes in the world. Yeah, I said it (feel free to leave your wrong opinions below.) Eight tackles, two sacks, one forced fumble, and the game winning field goal block (in the mighty Cowboys Stadium) in week 14 to give his team the division lead – at age 22?!? Jerry Jones must’ve felt he got slapped in the press box from the field. Then again, with this kids hops… it coulda happened.

Rob Gronkowsi, TE
New England Patriots

“He’s too fast for linebackers, and too big for defensive backs!” is the cliche that is far too often exclaimed by sportscasters. With this guy, let’s try “too strong for uhhh!, and too good for yeeaaah!” This guy’s such a beast that you can actually see cornerbacks making executive decisions during a play to not tackle him, choosing to be on a highlight reel instead of injured reserve. He’s also fixing the “Golden Boy’s” f*ck ups by goin’ up and gettin’ balls a prehistoric whiteboy isn’t supposed to get. Mmmm, Gronk love ball! Gronk love smash!! Gronk love TE touchdown record!!! Ooooh, Gronk like Brady wife…..

Grrrrrr, A.T. say… BALLS OUT!

MVP: Aaron Rodgers QB, Green Bay Packers

Who owns the best season ever? Montana? Manning? Gisele Bundchen’s wife Tom? Nope. It’s gonna be Mr. “Brett who?” Anytime you’re a little pissed you only tossed for 299 yards and 3 TD’s because you didn’t think the ball was comin’ outta your hand right, you’re gonna have a pimp year. Kinda pisses me off that he’s doin’ it while lookin’ bored though. Oh yeah, enjoy your second Superbowl MVP too. Jerk.

Defensive Player of the Year: Charles Woodson CB, Green Bay Packers

Oldest beast in the league. Again. It’s almost unfair that he’s better than all these kids, but like I said last time he won this: Fine wine baby, fine wine.

Offensive Player of the Year: Drew Brees QB, New Orleans Saints

Anytime you can break a Dan Marino record, you’re doin’ somethin’ next to impossible, and it’ll probably take Drew just one more game to get 5,084 yards on the season. Okay, maybe two.

Coach: Jim Harbaugh, San Fransisco 49ers

In a time when no coach is genuine about the “good game” handshake, finally a guy that’ll bring a bonafide “hell yeah, I just whipped yo bitch-ass” handshake. Way to bring back the coachfight homey. Keep it real.

Defensive Rookie: Von Miller LB, Denver Broncos

Can’t remember the last time a linebacker was drafted that high, (#2 overall in this last draft) but he’s easily the best player on a team that’s winning IN SPITE of Tim Tebow, not because of him. Von should get to bitchslap Tim everytime he gets more sacks than Godboy gets pass completions. Now allow me to go throw up a little for giving props to a Bronco…

Offensive Rookie: DeMarco Murray RB, Dallas Cowboys

Soon as Emmitt Smith gives you props for breaking one of his records (yards in a game for a Dallas rookie), you’re officially gangster. MaybeTony Romo can focus on his job now.

Comeback Player: Alex Smith, QB, San Francisco 49ers

Former #1 overall pick that was considered a bust, finally has a coach that was a good quarterback himself not too long ago. Now he’s helpin’ his awesome defense by playin’ great “don’t f*ck it up football” while making the 49ers the best they’ve been since 2002. Forget Tim Tebow, he’s officially my favorite Mormon.

Bed Shitter: Ndamukong Suh DT, Detroit Lions

A physical freak with a mean streak one year, dirtiest douche in the league the next. Everyone picked you for Defensive Player of the Year, now you’re on a 2 game timeout for bein’ a f*ckin’ child. Catching your balance by stomping on an arm? Your “man upstairs” wants you to leave him out of your bullsh*t stories. Oh, and last time I checked, you’re not tryin’ to “get the guy off of you” if you’re on his back, pushin’ down his head. Then you’re just tryin’ to get the guy off.

– Balls Out

Onyx

Def3 & Snak the Ripper

Make noise, B-boys…

– Captain Arthritis

As the lights went down and the music shut off, there was a general feeling of  “shiiiit, I have no idea what this is gonna be like.” But only for a few seconds. Soon as the intro to Like Whoa pounded out the speakers, the mighty KRS One rushed the front of the stage, big bad beads, rasta hat and all, beltin’ out ghetto knowledge that made everyone bitch-slap the sky and make the same ecstatic “thank fucking god” face.

Before anyone could even begin to fathom what just happened, DJ Flipout smoothly mixed in M.C.’s Act Like They Don’t Know, which made me personally go so airborne that my ass was in the face of the dude behind me for most of the track. As Kris commanded the engineers to turn the mic and music up louder and louder until my chest cavity vibrated, he cycled though some verses of his classics while the crowd bwoop-bwooped to the sound of the police, and chanted for the south-south Bronx as if they were from there too (pretty sure only my Yankees hat was).

Part of his crazy side came out a bit when the deep pound of Ah Yeah hit, and he tried to convince us that he got the 10,000 year old beat from an African tribe. The feeling was more like “oh KRS, you so crazy,” cuz he coulda told us his twisty-dreads were actually licorice at that point and we woulda believed him. Even though it seemed that he was bringin’ it extra hard for Van City, he even stopped to apologize for not making it for a show 10 years ago, said “fuck it, next time I’m bringin’ A Tribe Called Quest,” and then proceeded to autograph everything close enough to sign, while tossing out cd’s, dvd’s, and even a bag full of signed tennis balls, ala Roger Federer steez.

Just when you thought shit couldn’t get any realer, out comes the authentic 80’s boombox as Mr. 4 Elements called every b-boy and b-girl up on stage for a 20-kid break-off, as he freestyled over the pop-lock friendly Step Into A World. As he slowed things down by proving you can MC over any sound while freestyling to beatless opera and country, things ended off with his patented acronym raps. “When they call you ladies a bitch, it’s sayin’ Because I’m Takin’ Charge Here!” In all my legendary shows at Fortune, I’ve never heard the place go that bananas. Even the dudes were screamin’ like bitches! Even Big Joe Krash got knocked back to the turntables. He had this crowd by the balls, and was swingin’ us around the room.

All in all, I’m kind of ashamed that I initially doubted him, cuz what we got was the wreckoning from a living legend who was so in his right mind that it was scary. Fuck Temple of Hip-hop, this brotha’s still a brick house, and the muthafucka’s still addin’ floors. Even though he’s 46, it’s like he’s got his third wind and both looks and sounds like he’s 30 again. It’s the Return of the Boom Bap people….. and Rappaz R. N. Dainja!

– A.T. the Bartender

This is the age I want to live in. Carousing with Hemingway and Fitzgerald, or being Hemingway or Fitzgerald, living as bourgeois bohemians but living like kings, legends of the Lost Generation, fated to write, drinking to oblivion. But how can one be nostalgic for an era he’s never lived in? Oh, but I have. From the books and movies of my life and the puzzle pieces of my years in Paris I’ve filled in enough details, dreamed up enough images to have spent a night in a black and white Paris, sufficient time to know without a doubt that I could live there.

Cheap suits and fedoras, Gauloises Bleues, trickling urinals, bird cages and wicker baskets. Moustached waiters with bowties and silver trays. The soft Paris night, descending on the boulevards, alive with a fretwork of tabled terraces, creaking from the weight of happy hour demis.

All this nostalgia came about as I watched Midnight in Paris, easily the best movie I’ve seen this year (and I’ve seen plenty). And though this is not a movie review you could take it as such, for this is the feeling I got after seeing it. Results will vary.

Don’t get me wrong. I love present-day Paris, but it limps on with its history, while acquiring the same qualities of what you’d expect of a modern city, accompanied by the stench of progress. Plumes over the citadel. The glowing ozone and the engines idly choking. Sure, the architecture and cobblestones are still there, but the feel and mentality is now undeniably modern, albeit European. Gone are the brothels. Gone are the artists, the intellectuals. Gone are the 20’s. And along with it the gay from gay paree.

But so what? Nothing lasts forever. Eras end so people can say it was the end of an era. And so it was. Which era would you like to have lived in? Woodstock in the 60’s? The Renaissance in Italy? The wild wild west? The Jurassic period? The rise of the Roman Empire? (Wearing togas on a daily basis and watching gladiators kill each other instead of today’s pussy-ass UFC would be pretty cool I suppose). There are infinite possibilities.

Personally, if I wasn’t getting soused with Hemingway in the 20’s, I’d be jousting with knights in medieval times (not the restaurant).

It happened quickly. With one deft blow the knight Galdor has lost his helmet and left eye. He has paid for his crimes. The family crest billows from the summit of Morinhath, it bears a Cyclops and a double mace. Fitting. Retribution will be swift as the forest rises like the flames of Vanjar’s cauldron, enough eyes of newt have been sacrificed but the potion isn’t ready quite yet. As the others dine in the gold and stream of the royal halls, Gorgomish stirs in its dungeon lair…soon it will feast on the blood of their broken rectums…

Of course the reality is, Paris back then was old and decrepit. Cinder block buildings the colour of pigeon shit. Living in an apartment with no running water as Hemingway had, with a slop-bucket-in-a-closet “bathroom.” Windows that open onto courtyards that are more like elevator shafts full of clotheslines and eyes of deformed children staring back at you. Your descent to the depths of a Pere Lachaise sepulcher just around the corner. ‘I love you’ sent by telegraph crackling with lesbian jazz. No internet. Which isn’t so bad if you think about it. Instead of gathering on Facebook, you gathered at cafés and debated over topics with substance, not last night’s Jersey Shore episode.

Paris in the 20’s – I wouldn’t change a thing. This is the city, and this an ode.

And while no one likes living in the past, this isn’t exactly the same thing is it? It’s a place you’ve never been before – making it more like traveling to a foreign land and experiencing a new culture. There are those who, when faced with a time machine will choose not to go anywhere. I commend them for their discipline and utter lack of creativity. Had they hopped in with me, they would find me sitting at the Café de Flore on Boulevard St. Germain, quietly writing perhaps, or if it’s later in the night, drinking to oblivion, reveling in my proper place in time, a time where I belonged, a new beginning, the beginning of an era.

–Tom Day

How Bears Poop…

Well… this is awkward. I had grand plans to write a shiny new totally awesome article about my trip to see the Shithawks lose to the Falcons… but due to a lack of nice things to say about my trip I have decided to spare you a full-page rant.

My view for a good portion of the game…

I must get cable back! This is why you haven’t heard from me this season. Going to a game seemed like it would be way more fun than watching it at home. Our seats were a little high up so my view not being great I looked to the tinytron for details… but the lack of replays left me confused and I really couldn’t tell you much of what happened in the actual game.  What I can tell you about is the fantastic treatment I received from a lovely member of the 12th man. After looking up and seeing the final score of the Dallas game I may have uttered a few choice words while hanging my head in shame… to which the kind large bearded man sitting next to me took as an invitation to call me “pathetic, fucking pathetic” while showering me with fake nacho spit, for being a Cowboys fan. I replied with “you’re a Seahawks fan.” He struck up the same conversation later and when I told him he shouldn’t kick a girl while she’s down he shared this little nugget of wisdom: “Sometimes girls need to be kicked” (repeated 4 times). Oh how I miss Beardy McSpitinmyface. Thank you Seahawks for showing me I was right to side with the Falcons.

– Hail Mary McLeod

PS – Jay, I love that you are showing Romo so much love but could you ease up a bit… I think you’re making him nervous.

Okay Jay’s turn…

Alright Hail Mary, that sounds like a pretty lame trip. Fat guy/nacho/beard… guy sounds like a real Seahawks fan to me. I saw a game there once and we sat near three large women that squealed the whole time (for real, not kidding. Squealing). Ahhhh Romo, okay I’ll ease up on showing love for the poor guy. He has been pretty moody this season and I can’t help but wonder if he gets his period every other week. You know, on account’a him bein’ a girrrrrrl and what not. You see that! We don’t give people love for long over here at R2AK. No one’s safe!

I’ll start off with giving lots of non-sexual man-love to Aaron Rodgers instead. Here’s his line from Week 4 against the Broncos: 29/38, 408 YDS, 4 TD, 2 Rushing TD, 1 INT. Okay so it was against the stupid Broncos, and Rodgers does have a meh celebration with the wrestling belt thing, but he does have a Super Bowl ring, and The Packers seem to have picked up where they left off last year. Let’s hope that O line stays healthy and the receivers stay awesome.

If the Super Bowl started today, I would want the Packers to face… wait for it… The Ravens. Not too many people who know me would guess that I would say that. Let me clarify though, I’m a Bucs fan and would obviously want them to win it, but they’re not crazy awesome to watch (yet) and have some issues that need ironing out, like not getting a fucking penalty on every play. The Ravens however have a crazy scary team. Literally scary. Any team with a defense THAT good, AND can put up 30+ points a game is a major threat. This match-up is my early season Super Bowl favourite for sure. The Ravens have scored 119 points and allowed only 57 points. For you non-math nerds that’s 62 net points which is first in the NFL. The Packers are third in that net points category. Oh and the Ravens also tend to do this to quarterbacks… A LOT.

The Lions have to be mentioned again. Now they’re at 4-0 after coming back huge against the Cowboys. They’ve established themselves as contenders but in my humble/awesome/right opinion, they can’t keep coming back to win. The defense is good and have allowed only 76 points so far this season, which is among the lowest in the NFL. For those keeping track at home the Lions rank 2nd in net points with 59, sandwiched nicely between those two teams up there. The Lions also have Calvin Johnson, who’s on pace to score 32 fucking touchdowns. THIRTY TWO! This dude has a weird nickname (Megatron) but he’s able to shake off double teams and win jump balls like no one else in the league. He also shows determination and strength, especially late in the game. Kinda like Optimus Prime. Get your nicknames right…guy who comes up with nicknames! Yeah!

Okay so Week 5 is up and it’s the first Bye Week. Here’s some games you should watch. Trust me, I know what I’m doing and I’m always usually kinda right sometimes.

Oakland vs. Houston: If you like running backs, like me, then watch this. Darren McFadden vs. Arian Foster.

Eagles vs. Bills: I think this will be a crazy game, and the score will be 44-40 for one of the teams. Both teams have nutsoid offenses.

Chicago vs. Detroit: Young potent offense versus grizzled kill you defense. If you don’t know which team has what, then stop reading…oh wait I’m done, whatever man, screw you anyways.

– Jay Haddow

Wizard of Ozttawa