Everyone has a mock draft, and youse bitches is ALWAYS wrong.

In fact, the only picks that are certain right now are Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III at No. 1 and No. 2, respectively. Oh yeah, and there’s the Vikings, who had a press release revealing that “with the #3 overall pick, we will be choosing either Matt Kalil, Morris Claiborne, or Justin Blackmon.” NO SH#T?!? With the 3rd you’ll pick the 3rd, 4th, or 5th best player that’s not an Adrian Peterson replacement?!? F*ck you guys. When you jerkoffs pick, I’m goin’ for a piss…

Every other pick is fair game, with very few media outlets agreeing on who will go next. That’s why I’ve taken’ their ‘clear’ first 6 picks, tossed ‘em in a shaker, and poured all y’all shots of your next NFL stars. Cuz whatever order the booze is poured, you’ll get football drunk just the same. Oh, and I’ve added who they’ll taste like. Don’t worry… I meant that in a dirty way…

1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Tastes Like: Peyton Manning, Sam Bradford
This one is a no-brainer. Luck is the best quarterback prospect since who knows when, and there couldn’t be a player more fitted to succeed Peyton Manning…. But not BE Peyton Manning. It will take him a while to win, but once he does, he’ll do it for a long time. If they don’t wanna wait more than 3 years, they can get Peyton back then, and trade Luck to the Jets to replace Tim Tebow.

2. Washington Redskins – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
Tastes Like: Randall Cunningham, Cam Newton
There may not be a more exciting prospect in this year’s draft class. Think Cam Newton, except more polished. Think Randall Cunningham with more quickness and less churches. Griffin will likely be one of the top contenders for the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year, and will definitely win the award for talkin’ on the sideline phone to interfering owners.

3. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC
Tastes Like: Joe Thomas, Jake Long
Minnesota could go with a receiver at this pick, but to be honest, neither Justin Blackmon nor Michael Floyd is worth the third overall pick. Their best bet is to draft a franchise left tackle in Kalil to protect the back-ass of their franchise quarterback, Christian Ponder, and get Adrian Peterson back in his prime form (thanks for the fantasy bust, jerk). While it isn’t the sexiest pick, it is the best pick for the Vikings. Besides, they better look impressive for at least THIS year, cuz soon its gonna be easier to look sexy in L.A…. Duhn Duhn Duuuuhhhnn!

4. Cleveland Browns – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Tastes Like: Maurice Jones-Drew
There has been quite a bit of talk as to what Cleveland will do with this pick, but if they draft anyone other than Richardson, it will prove that the franchise is in complete disarray. And they’re still dumb-dumbs. A running back like Richardson doesn’t come around every year. He had more touchdowns rushing this year than almost every quarterback had passing. He has the ability to be an offensive juggernaut in Cleveland for years to come. Oh yeah, and if they can complete a handoff and pitch, the Brown’s will finally get what they want: never having to pass.

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Tastes Like: Champ Bailey
After bringing in some major free agents on the offensive side of the ball (see: Vincent Jackson, Carl Nicks), the Buccaneers will address their defense with the best cornerback in this class. This kid could be one of this generation’s next receiver-erasures like Champ, and is tough as nails, as he apparently played the last quarter of the season with a torn wrist tendon. Claiborne will also have some time to learn from, and be the eventual replacement of, future Hall of Famer Ronde Barber, when he retires in 2018.

6. St. Louis Rams – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
Tastes Like: Hakeem Nicks
The truth is that drafting Blackmon here is overdrafting him. However, no other pick makes sense for the Rams and he’s the best in the draft. They desperately need a top receiver for Sam Bradford, seeing as Brandon Lloyd douched off to New England. While Blackmon may not be yet be “elite” in most ways, he is good enough to provide a big boost to the Rams offense. Also, most scouts say he is a better pro than former teammate Dez Bryant… and gets arrested in less malls.

Oooooooh it’s gonna be drafty on April 26th!

BRRRRRRRRRR!!!

– Balls Out

At 14 years young, my first studio session was the kind of thing I always dreamed of, as I spat raps from my endless notebook, thinkin’ I was the baddest motherf*cker since Shaft… until I heard the playback. Let’s just say the sound lacked, ummm… SACK. With my new posse impressed with any delivery that didn’t sound like an awkward cracka rappin’ in a mirror, I still felt somethin’ was missing. After the session we piled into a busted-ass little Mazda to go on a mission, as DJ Cash barked at me to grab a CD case wedged between us sardines in the backseat. He popped the disc into the system that was worth twice as much as the car, dialed it to track 5, and sh-t went down that would change my attitude towards rhymin’ for good.

“Booomp-BooWAAAAAH-Booomp…. BUCK’EMDOWN!buck’emdown!BUCK’EMDOWN!buck’emdown!BUCK’EMDOWN!!”

I officially lost my sh-t. The next week I got a hold of a hot Discman, the Enta Da Stage CD, and proceeded to try to deem myself the West Coast Buckshot Shorty. Twenty years later I finally got to thank him.

Fortune Sound Club was the spot, but there was a feeling in the air that it would officially be transformed into Fortune Bucktown at any moment, with so many possibilities of which of the Bootcamp militia would hit the stage first. Then the dark, deep buzz of bass came… “LET’S-LET’S GIT IT-GIT IT OOONNN!!!”

Smif-N-Wessun came barrelin’ out to the track that 18 years ago made them official, not just as Bootcamp representatives, but as the grimy answer to the randoms still wearin’ cartoon sh-t and doin’ the Roger Rabbit. They reminded the crowd why they SHOULD’VE been in a boxing ring for their video, instead of “LL Cool J’in’ it” cuz it looked cool. They brought the Bucktown thunder like they haven’t missed a show in years, even lookin’ like they haven’t stopped bangin’ stages. Either that, or they just stepped out of a DeLorean from times when rhymes were better cuz they were stank dirtaaay. In a time when M.C. ’s that mildly associate with hard-rocks feel the need to act hard on a singin’-ass track, they rained the surREAL. Even the pretty little hotties were gettin’ their mean mug on. Coincidentally, I was smilin’ like a schoolgirl at a Justin Gaga show.

As Sean Price took the forefront of the stage, some of us couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. It was no fault of Ruck (now known as Price), who would’ve been dope solo if he was never associated with Rock, (his partner in Heltah Skeltah) but that situation is what it is. Homeboy can still rap his ass off. Even though I kinda missed the cryptic back’n'forth those two huge bastards had in their heyday with Nocturnal, and classic kicks like “Bruvas betta wreckognize…” growled by the Rockness Monsta, Sean did remind us that even though Shaq was physically more dominant, Tim Duncan made his team better. I just wish Shaq was there to tear the rim off just once.

On that note, there’s manymanymany M.C.’s that have inspired me over the last 20 years… Chuck D, Shock G, Del, Mos Def, Meth, Em, the Fission. But no M.C. inspired me to represent the “little big man” like Buckshot Shorty. He went from one album that changed how confident underrated rappers rapped, to a Smif-N-Wesssun album that brought “east coast hard” back, from gangsta rap bein’ dominated by the West Coast, to inventing the idea of a “team” of groups formin’ like Voltron. And I finally got to be part of the West Coast showin’ a hip-hop icon long overdue propers.

With Jay Haddow flankin’ me, Buckshot showed and proved, takin’ us through the days of East Coast ghetto glory. As he went though his wheelhouse of back-in-the-day tracks that had me thinkin’ I was still wearin’ camo pants and Timbalands, he asked “Who got the props?” and “How many M.C.’s must get dissed?” and the answer was… Bootcamp… and all of them.

In a hip-hop world where the real is few and far between, I’m grateful that there’s still a place that old school can Enta Tha Stage. As a wise man once said… “Leflaur Leflah Eshkoshka.”

– A.T.

Mo’ Motherfuckin’ Photos by Jay Haddow!

– Jy Harris

– Jy Harris

– Jy Harris

– Jy Harris

– Jy Harris

– Jy Harris

Trent Reznor/Karen O – Immigrant Song
(Nine Inch Nails + Yeah Yeah Yeahs) x Led Zeppelin = The rest of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack could be a foot coming out of the speaker to kick my nuts and I’m still buying it!

Mac Lethal – Pancake Rap
Two of our favourite things ever (pancakes and rap) join forces to make the most “FUCK YEAH!” moment on the internets

Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks/Dubstep (Butch Clancy Remix) starring Marquese “Fuck Physics!” Scott
I was convinced my eyes were liars. I could not even BELIEVE this shit. You won’t either, but just watch. All in one take, all in direct defiance of the natural laws of earth and science and shit. Black magic. Bananas. Bonkers. I have not been this blown away by what a motherfucker can do with his feet since MJ. All Hail Marquese, The Anti-Gravity Man!

Louis CK Live At The Beacon Theater Outtakes
Louis CK is the funniest sonofabitch out there right now, for realsies! If you haven’t seen his TV show, you’re missing the fuck out!! Also, he just released a comedy special exclusively on his site for $5 download (or stream). Support a true talent and go buy that shit.

Pitchfork Presents: Danny Brown & Joker – Head For Free
On the one hand: 50 didn’t sign Danny Brown because of what he looked like. Based off the hair you might think he made the right call. When he first opens his mouth, you’ll see his teeth (or lack thereof) and think your (and 50’s) first instinct was correct. When some sound starts to make it past the teeth though, you’ll realize: you’re looking at the future of rap. Sometimes the best gifts come wrapped in FUCKED UP packages. On the other hand: UK producer Joker is decidedly normal looking and still the fuckin’ TRUTH! Here’s what happens when you put them hands together…

Pitchfork Presents: Frames (Starring Big Boi)
Daddy Fat Stacks recounts a particularly crazy night in the life of OutKast, and then Dan Meth animates it.

Bellflower
This film “tells the story of two guys who build flamethrowers (I’m already in) and other weapons (double down!) in the hope that a global apocalypse (yup!) will occur and clear the way for their imaginary gang” (!!!)

Submarine
Yeah, yeah. It’s another one of “those.” Quirky coming-of-age dramedies. Seen one you seen ‘em all, right? NOPE! Don’t be a movie bigot! Give a film a chance, y’all! Or at least boycott it for not taking place entirely underwater. Or something else that hides your prejudices.

Rampart
Woddy Harrelson as a maybe-crooked, definitely-over-the-top cop in late 90s (read: post-riot) L.A. But I had you at “Woody Harrelson,” didn’t I?

For God And Country by Matt Fraction & Nathan Fox
A split screen comic following Osama Bin Laden in the last moments of his life in parallel with the soldier that killed him. Click the pic to read the comic at GQ.com

Project X
So this one pretty much looks like your average night at R2AK HQ…

I Melt WIth You
Thomas Jane AND Jeremy Piven?! Shitdamn!! We’ve been Piven fans since PCU around here. His involvement and the subject matter give this a very Very Bad Things vibe. Which is very good…

Crappy Cartoon Opening Credits: Die-Cut Glossy 90s Edition (Featuring WildC.A.T.S., Youngblood and Ultraforce)
Ass to ass to ass!

Spiked Fuckin’ Bat (BOOOWWW!!): Ghostface Killah Talks Sports

Speakin’ Of The Devil (Psych): Kagan McLeod’s Ghostface Killah Flyer
The show’s already happened (both here in Vancouver and in Toronto) but you can relive all the Eagle-wristed glory by drooling over this sick-ass flyer by the homey Kagan McLeod. Ridicu-tarded!!

Yo, Kagan ain’t even through with you pooh-butts yet, yo! If you ain’t seen his History of Rap poster, well then you ain’t seen shee-it!! Go buy one. Or two like I did so you can display the edutaining backside, full of rap facts and recommended listening for the 469 (!) hip hop icons depicted on the front. Or you can roll the die and see if you’re one of the lucky few to win one of the copies Mr. McLeod was kind enough to donate to R2AK. More details on that in January, which is around when I plan to stop drooling over them motherfuckers…

Shabazz Palaces – Black Up
Best of the year lists the world (wide web) over are shitting themselves over Shabazz Palaces (a/k/a the smooth-as-fuck/emerging from a decade of radio silence MC extraordinaire, “Butterfly” Ish from Digable Planets!) Aurally, this is on some weird ‘if-Radiohead-made-rap’ shit. Visually, it’s on some stunningly abstract, avant grade shit. Lookie here…

BONUS: R2AK ENCORE PRESENTATIONS

Parker: Martini Edition
Ian talks about this in his Xmas Wish List column from earlier this week, and Nuv has reiterated that it’s at the top of his list too. Just look at that fucking cover! (Click to enlarge.) If looks could kill we’d be some daisy-pushin’ motherfuckers right now. Oh hell, Darwyn Cooke is cooler than a polar bear’s toenails! Buy it. Then give it to us!

Jy Harris & Doug Graves (a/k/a <3 Humans)in Rawk-n-Cawk
Meet Shock Jocks DJ Dan Apex & The Human Zoo, Dale…

A. Vice – X-Miss
Happy Holidays, Ho-Ho-Hoes!

- R2AK

– Jy Harris & Doug Graves