5. Prague, Czech Republic

If something is written by Kafka, can it still be Kafkaesque?

4. Arles, France

When I finally made it to Arles it was well into November, the sun was still shining hot, my skin was still a golden brown and I had begun talking to myself. I wandered the town on my own, losing myself in its labyrinthine streets and shadowy alleys, and emerging triumphant through the sunny square of The Place du Forum. On a typical August day it would have been swarming with tables and tourists, but now sat quietly and modestly, flanked by gaunt trees and book-ended by a cheap tabac and the phallically-named Grand Hotel Nord-Pinus. One can sit peacefully at the Bistrot Arlesien and hear the faint strains of winter blowing her chords of discontent. A stark contrast to the nearby Place de la Rebublique, where the allegros blare with a thousand disembodied voices, gliding by like ghosts through the Hotel de Ville and the obelisk fountain to the public toilets next to the old church. The crowd trickles along like the urinals, strewn about like coins in a fountain, until finally sucked in by the whirlpool of souvenir shops hawking lavender and soap and lavender soap and postcards with pictures of lavender…

3. Breda, the Netherlands

You drift aimlessly from café to café, sometimes sitting on the terrace, gazing at the passers-by with their foreign faces speaking in that alien tongue which you will never master, turning away from them to read the shop signs across the street with their sales and advertisements for drinks and products you will probably never buy and never use, hoping to find an indication of where your life should go.  You rise and walk again in the random streets, killing time before nightfall, at times lingering in front of a bar or restaurant door, unable to make up your mind to enter, and then forging ahead, for fear of looking lost or indecisive, until at last you’re able to settle inside a dark corner of a bar in the more desolate part of town. Dusk is seeping into the corners of the room, with the last glow of copper light dying in the dusty wall mirrors, the crooked tables shedding their final benediction. You sit in the darkness of the empty bar looking pathetically lost, a darker shade among the shadows, a prisoner of this strange town. Realizing your hour of dereliction, you wonder when your deliverance would come, and then turn hastily away…

2. London, England

I woke up in a strange place. My neck twisted like a broken hanger. My clothes were still clothes from the night before, but wrinkled, and reeking of smoke. The taste of vodka red bulls in my mouth, an ache in my jaw. The couch I slept on, hot and itchy, like Toronto summers. “Hello?!” Someone’s living room, but there’s no one here. Tenants are ash-lipped beer cans, coke-edged playing cards, half-empty glasses destined for the sea. I gather myself and slip out the front door, leaving it unlocked. I stood a moment, slightly dazed by the sudden light. The streets felt bleak and uncertain – the way you imagine the future to be sometimes. Shops are still shuttered, everything is silent. I look around for clues to guide me one way or another, stumbling and squinting, reminiscent of the drug-addled dawns of summers past. An underground station. London! Left for dead on some abandoned sofa, I descend into the earth to be reborn. Tomorrow, I leave for Paris…

1. Paris, France*

* If you’re an aspiring writer and being in Paris doesn’t inspire you to write, you might as well put down that pen, fast-forward all that tortured writer business, and go straight into killing yourself.

I occupy room number 9, on the top floor at the end of the hall. I occupy the ‘Mexican’ room but there is nothing distinctly Mexican about it. My balcony overlooks the peripherique with their ferment of cars, and the toilet at the bottom across the street. The doors of the toilet open at an exact 90-degree angle to my window and from this vantage point I can see directly and distinctly the hole in the ground slimed with excrement and the two ceramic footprints flanking it. Today I ate a meal – my first in the Mexican room – of a baguette and cheese, which was distinctly non-Mexican but quite French because, in fact, I am in France and not in Mexico.

How frightening it was to finally set down the first words to a life-long dream! To inject life through the pen like the suspended sperm from the vas deferens! For so long the dried-out womb lay unfecund but now it has given birth to a child. An invalid child, but a child nevertheless. Glancing at the guest book today I noticed a new entry. It read: “…my boyfriend proposed to me in our room! Thank you very much…” A proposal in some back alley hotel room with the smell of disinfectant in the air and a toilet across the street slimed with excrement and an aspiring writer down the hall. How romantic. No mention if she said yes or not…

– Tom Day

Hey. Wanna know what happens when Frank Darabont and AMC throw Image Comics on the ol’ brotisserie? (Hint: it involves zombies, a tank and horsies.)

Fair warning: If you enter Yelawolf’s Rhyme Room, you may not want to leave. If you do manage to escape and feel the need to Deliverance-squeal, cross the street from Vimeo over to YouTube and peep out his excellent/creepy, Pop The Trunk video.

We don’t even need to come up with anything clever here. It has Ralph Macchio in it and it’s called ‘Wax On, F*ck Off.’ So f*ck off and watch it!

The greatest thing you’ll ever see. The greatest thing you’ll ever see’s sidekick.

Dexter Morgan? Meet Bill Sienkiewicz.

Gravediggaz ‘6 Feet Deep’ blows out 16 candles and 16 years worth of minds! Budabyebye! In other RZA-related news - GZA’s ten years in the making Wu Tang Clan documentary. The bickering around the breakfast table is epic, and the last few moments of the trailer made me miss Ol’ Dirty more than anything since his death. Motherfucker.

‘Machete.’ A movie based on a fake trailer. Rodriguez pans some more solid gold.

My boy Teddy Yip “is a knife.” (?) He’s also Principal of a (champion) racing team, Status GP. While the homey A.T. was waiting for the NFL season to start and killing time/sadness with pepperoni sticks and pool noodles, Tedward was out clockin’ victories in the Silverstone and Hockenheim rounds of the GP3 series. Anami Vice, meanwhile had a fairly open schedule other than releasing his debut video for you, opening for Naughty By Nature, launching a new website and servin’ up a second video! Old friend Jason Copland was catching up with really old friends. Me? I was eating french toast at your mom’s house, so really, we all win on some level. (Oh, don’t be mad, Ryan…I mean “Vision.” I left you some syrup.)

Speaking of the 2010 NFL season, NY Times blog ‘The Fifth Down’ has been previewing each team as they head into September. Roethlisberger, meanwhile, has been previewing alcohol poisoned college chicks as they head into bar bathrooms. Across town, ESPN was all like “Fuck you, Fifth Down! Two can play that game!” and put out their NFL Power Rankings list. Speaking of ESPN, if you haven’t seen any of their 30 for 30 sports documentaries, you just don’t like good things. At precisely the same time, Nuv was like “Fuck you both!” and straight up travelled to the end of the season, and returned with spoilers.

Attack of the Zax: 1) Well played, Zack Snyder. First ‘300’s sweaty dudes, then the glorious movie adaptation of ‘Watchmen,’ and now this? Your filmography is looking solid. 2) We will never tire of Zach Galifianakis. Throw in some Downey Jr. and we’re in. Watch the ‘Due Date’ trailer here.

Soooo…if you’re lookin’ for Nuv, Jay or Piggy anytime this Fall, and you can’t find them, chances are THIS is to blame. Don’t worry. They’ll take breaks to do this. And those. (And Lorn.) Huh? (Never mind.)

Finally!!! Goodbye Cathy. We sincerely hope you burn in hell. Keep some seats warm for Family Circus, ‘Kay?

Threadless makes even more shirts we would wear every single day.

Old school Rock not acting with kids or dogs. Just weapons and fists.

Dear Santa, I can’t decide, so you choose. This? Or That? So long as it’s not another year of coal, we’re square. Your pal and mine, Nuv.

35 movies in 2 minutes, gorgeously and seamlessly combined and animated. Sometimes the internet can be awe-inspiring.

Straight Outta Nuv’s Miss Teen USSR’s Kitchen: One. Two. Three. Four.

TCM trading cards. They’re fuckin’ cool looking AND they’re not Pogs!

Uhhh….this guy used to go by the name MC Haircut. If you’re still here, I don’t even know who you are anymore.

– The R2AK Posse

If my next meeting with Ian Explosivo goes down how I think it will, this may be the last you hear from me. Don’t cry. I’ve had a very full online life here at R2AK. There have been good times, bad times, and strange times. Through it all, I had you to lean on, faithful readers. Here’s some stuff to remember me by. Consider this my ‘Greatest Hits’ collection. Or, considering the circumstances, a post-humous 2Pac release. I promise, it’ll be the only one. (Yep. That is aimed at you Suge. And Diddy. And Matt Groening.)

Unless, like 2Pac, I’m just faking my death and chillin’ in Hawaii. In which case, see you in November…

Sound: Off

01. Remember The Time
02. The Mouth That Roared
03. Public Enemy’s Rap Sheet
04. Cry Wolf
05. Movies To My Ears
06. Halftime
07. Tits And Tats
08. The Big Payback
09. Mad Brothers Know His Name
10. Ten The Hard Way (Feat. Eminem, Pharoahe Monch, Chuck D, Treach & Rakim)
11. Ya Don’t Stop, Ya Keep On

Bonus Disc: Anami Vice Sampler

Call And Response b/w Vodka Soda

Alright, motherfuckers. Enough “Love Nuv.” You ain’t gotta go home, but you gotta get the fuck outta here.

“When the music’s over…turn out the lights.”

At ease (for now),

– Nuv

EXHIBIT A

Nuv: …so before we get into our usual pattern of cutthroat bickering, I just want to say, all jokes aside, it’s been a blast working with you, and contrary to my many “Ian = A-Hole” diatribes, you’ve been a worthy partner.

Ian: …What’s the catch here?

Nuv: Nothing. I’m serious.

Ian: Get the fuck out of here. Is this one of your hare-brained schemes? Or are you dying, or born-again or some shit? A.A., making amends? Is this like that comic you told me about where notorious douchebag Guy Gardner got hit in the head and transformed from an asshole into a gentle dumb-ass for a handful of issues?

Nuv: No, man. I’m just trying to be real. You’re a great writer, and it’s been an honour and a privilege talking comics with you. You bring out the best in me, and for once, I’m not going to kick you in the face for it.

Ian: I’m not sold yet, but fuck it. Let’s give this a whirl. You go first.

Nuv: Ok. This week, we’ll be taking a look at the freshly completed Superman: Secret Origin. A six issue mini-series from this generation’s definitive Superman team, Geoff Johns and Gary Frank. First question: despite the talent involved, is yet another origin story even necessary? What do you think, chum?

Ian: …You’re kinda creepin’ me out. Anyways – not to be mean (in the spirit of our ‘truce’), but this has to be the most unnecessary Superman story ever told. I mean, let’s face it; everyone knows Superman’s basic history and there aren’t enough extra details in this version to make this anywhere near “Secret” or “worth paying money for.” Martha Kent stuffed a spaceship crystal into the intergalactic DVD player and saw how the people on Krypton dressed (read: veeeeery questionably), and based Clark’s Superman uniform on those designs. Clark Kent’s glasses protect his teenage smoochin’ partners from having their heads incinerated. Um, okay. This is all stuff that the average reader might not know about the Man of Steel, but as a whole it’s a little mundane.

And also, did anyone else notice that there was no coherent pacing throughout the series? Book One had Clark as a child in Smallville. A good start and pretty much what everyone was expecting. Then Two had him whisked off with some wack-ass superhero kids from the 30th Century. “Bad news!” says the green guy, “You kids maybe wrecked the space-time continuum!” Anyways, it doesn’t matter because Clark got a dog in a spaceship. Fast forward to Three where, in Metropolis, an adult Clark is getting rooked by a janitor for his sandwich. The real winner, however, is Lois’ short skirt. In Four Lex Luthor gets his mad on. Five features Thunderbolt Ross OOPS! I mean Lois’ father General Sam Lane getting HIS mad on. That’s TWO people mad at Superman in the same six-issue run. And the big pay-off of Six comes when a) Lois rocks those tight pants and b) Superman flies that guy who was bugging him up into space so that he passes out and stops fussin.’ Hey, it worked when Spider-Man did it to Hulk, so why not give it a go?

…Have you been staring at me the whole time? What the hell are you doing? And how have you not interrupted me with some cockamamie rant yet? I’m talkin’ shit about your boy, here!

Nuv: The answer to all of your questions – I’m listening! I’m not bothered by what you’re saying. Oh, I disagree, but you’re perfectly entitled to your (very valid) opinions. Also…

Ian: …the fuck?!

Nuv: Oh, sorry. Were you still talking? I didn’t mean to interrupt…

Ian: No. I was done. Go ahead.

Nuv: Thanks!! I see how you might think the pacing was off. To me, it read like a really in-depth flashback, so it was structured as such, zipping through his formative years, stopping for stuff we needed to know for this particular story. Also, while the eras it covered have been done before, we saw the moments in between the moments we’ve seen before. Each issue gave us an important facet in Clark’s development, as well as key relationships in his life. Book One was the discovery of his powers and heritage and, for us, how alone he feels. Two, in turn, shows Clark he’s really not alone, via The Legion and Krypto, as well as foreshadowing his future with actual peers, like the JLA. Three gave us the importance of his secret identity with his De Niro-level performance as a very Christopher Reeve-esque Clark Kent, as well as Lois, the rest of the Daily Planet, and Superman’s debut. Four introduces Supes to super-villainy. Five starts tying everything together and sets our hero against things he can’t just punch into defeat. Six ties all those loose plot threads into a nice bow, and shows us the moment Superman becomes the guy that everyone looks to for answers, showing us why he inspires everyone around him. Johns ties in every incarnation of Superman over 70 years into one, definitive version that is reminiscent of them all, and then looks at that Superman from a different camera angle. No surprise, I’m sure, but I loved Superman: Secret Origin. And really, even if I had found the writing lacking, Gary Frank’s art is untouchable!

Ian: The art is pretty friggin’ sweet. Frank really did a nice job and I definitely think this is one of the best looking books since Tim Sale drew Superman: For All Seasons back in 1998. There was a lot of fanboy “waaa-waaa” when this book started coming out a little bit late, but when you consider the quality of the art and the length of each Book (they were all double sized), it’s definitely forgivable. Oh, and the fact that Frank pays tribute by basing his Superman design on Christopher Reeve makes me love it even more. Here’s a “Secret Origin” about Ian Explosivo: I once lived a couple of blocks away from the St. Louis Hotel in Calgary where even Superman got shitfaced.

Nuv: Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Ian: What are you laughing at?

Nuv: Nothing. Heh. You’re just funny!! (Puts two thumbs up)

Ian: Uhhh…Ok, man. Whatever.

Nuv: Heh. (Wipes tears) Anyways, I guess another thing to keep in mind, is just because we know the Superman story inside and out, doesn’t mean there isn’t a whole new generation out there discovering him for the first time. And if I was looking to hand them their first Superman comic, THIS is what I would hand them.

Ian: I suppose. Maybe I’m the wrong guy to ask. I’m not really a “Superman guy.” I guess my main problem is the same as it always is with Superman. Lex Luthor is a cardboard, one-sided jerk-off character that Superman should just throw into the sun (when no one is looking, of course) and be done with him. How many times can you allow one man to put innocent people in danger as a means to the ultimate goal of killing YOU? It’s idiotic! I mean, Batman has the same problem with the Joker, but at least the Joker has other interests. He doesn’t just sit around planning world domination and trying to figure out how to kill Batman. Lex Luthor is, has always been, and will only ever be, a one-trick pony and it’s completely aggravating to read.

Nuv: Like your portions of this article?

Ian: What?!

Nuv: You didn’t really buy all that “respect” and “adoration” I threw your way did you? Oh, I was telling the truth when I said you “bring out the best in me.” How could you not. I’m like Mr. Universe standing next to a feces sculpture. You puny dirtbag. All you do is complain about the state of things, never using your ability to change the things you complain about. You just blame me. Or Marvel. Or ‘The Man.’ Remind you of anyone? Don’t you get it? YOU’RE my Lex Luthor. You’re a bald, jealous little prick that can’t fathom why everyone likes the handsome, infinitely superior specimen floating just above you. Your defining characteristic is how much you hate me. Do you get it? Your defining trait revolves around ME. Mine has nothing to do with you. Be your own man. Maybe one day you’ll get respect and adoration that’s real. This? This was just a ruse to see how long it would take to get you into this hamster wheel and watch you run in place for my own amusement. Congratu-fucking-lations. You actually lasted 624 words. In closing: Ian = A-Hole.

Ian: Oh that’s just IT! That…I mean…you… Gaw! I’m gonna! Arf! Arf! Grrr!

Nuv: …the fuck?!

Ian: Okay, buster! You want Lex Luthor? You want a NEMESIS?! You got him! Except not your chump ass Inspector Gadget / Dr. Claw-league schemer and ultimate failer. NO! I’m doing what I should have done a year ago! Rockin’ it like your Mom, quick and dirty!

Nuv: Wha- What the hell are you doing?!

[BANG! BLAM! GUNSHOT NOISES! POW!]

Nuv: Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Ian: Kneel before Ian, bitchface! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

From the notes of Detective S. Bradley: “Tape becomes garbled and unintelligible at this point. Audio technicians are working to decipher the few undamaged snippets…victim was found clutching the following pages, which appear to have been torn from the back of a copy of the August 25th-released DC comic book ‘Superman/Batman #75.’ The pages were all part of the back-up short stories, but out of sequence, and some pages were skipped. Perhaps the pages chosen hold some clue as to what actually caused this tragedy…”

EXHIBIT B

THE END?

NEXT ISSUE: IS THIS THE END OF THE BIG TWO? NUV, NO MORE?! IAN FLIES SOLO!!
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME IAN-CHANNEL…

MONDAY

Hawaii Five-O (Debuts Sept 20th)
I find Scott Caan to be more than charming, even if most times he’s playing a cocky SOB with gelled hair. I’m sure part of the affection is what an eerie resemblance he has to his awesome Pops. The trailer for this looks super sudsy, fun, high-budget and wise-cracky. What more could you want on a Monday night? Oh, Jin from ‘Lost?’ Don’t worry, HE’S IN IT TOO.

TUESDAY

Running Wilde (Debuts Sept 21st)
Will Arnett picking his nose in line for an ATM would be hilarious to me.

WEDNESDAY

Terriers (Debuts September 8th)
Donal Logue and Rene from ‘True Blood‘ as unlicensed P.I.’s working together. No mystery here (HA! x forever), I will watch this.

Modern Family (Season 2 starts September 22nd)
This was my favourite straight up sitcom from last year. And the Emmy’s concur…

Friday Night Lights (Fifth and final season starts October 27th)
What the fuck are we going to do after this ends? Coach Taylor? And thanks North America for NEVER watching it. Losers.

THURSDAY

The Office (Season 7 starts September 23rd)
Community (Season 2 starts September 23rd)
Steve Carrell’s last season has to be good, right? Amy Ryan will come back, right? And I won’t just watch the show because I’ve invested six years into it already, right?
‘Community‘ was consistently brilliant last year. Abed Fo’ Life.

FRIDAY

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (Debuts October 1st)
I love David Cross. No matter what. And the title of this? Come on. Even that is amazing.

SATURDAY
(I couldn’t find a single show I gave a crap about that airs on Saturday. Realistically, anybody watching TV on Saturday night has no friends. Sorry.)

SUNDAY
(Seriously? This night is an EMBARASSMENT OF RICHES. Even with the PVR working overtime, this is gonna be tricky.)

Boardwalk Empire (Debuts September 19th)
If you have HBO, or like us, it’s snot-nosed peckerwood brother HBO Canada, you’ve seen the ads for this many many times. A prohibition-era drama with a ridiculous pedigree, a cast – aside from the delectably punchable Michael Pitt - that looks perfect, and the pilot is directed by Scorsese. I’ll eat a poopy diaper if this isn’t insane.

Dexter (Season 5 starts September 26th)
I was late watching the entire last season of ‘Dexter, and by some miracle of the TV Gods, DID NOT have the mind-blowing finale ruined for me. I cannot even handle how excited I am to see what is going to happen as evidently they pick up right where last season ended. PS: I only watched five seconds of this trailer for fear of spoilers, but the R2AK boys say I’m being a puss. I’ve waited ten months to know what the gender of my unborn babe is, I can wait till the 26th to see what’s next for poor Dexter.

Bored to Death (Season 2 debuts September 26th)
Picture this scenario: Schwartzman, Galifianakis and Danson, stoned, in a car, on a stakeout with night vision goggles. There is not a single thing un-rad about that.

Eastbound and Down (Season 2 starts September 26th)
Kenny Powers: such a filthy-mouthed dude that makes me laugh so very hard. Danny McBride has absolutely cornered the market on half-aware mulleted losers who are still somehow completely endearing.

Luther (Debuts October 24th)
All I saw was “acclaimed”, “BBC” and “Idris Elba” (my beloved Stringer Bell), soooo I’ll watch it twice. Hopefully he can find more work like this, rather than the reeking GARBAGE FECES that is ‘Takers.’

Walking Dead (October 31st)
I have all the graphic novels. They have scared the shit out of me and made me cry. Darabont is handling the pilot. I would have to be dead, and then shot in the face to not watch this. Unless I take the kid out that night in an extremely cute outfit in a blatant attempt to gather candy for myself.

See you in November, lovelies!

Hitting the open road to head towards the desert with drugs and hallucinogens pretty consistently results in pure cinematic gold. Acid. Mushrooms. Mescaline. Peyote. A.T.’s blood. Whatever you got, I want. So hop on the Blue Bus and pass the Kool-Aid, D-bags. As soon as this kicks in, I’ll put the ‘High’ in this ‘High Five’ with My Five Favourite Film Trips on Trips. Ready? Let’s roll…

5. Easy Rider (1969)

Not the most fun entry on this list, but it’s not meant to be, as this particular trip is a bad one. It is the most accurate, and the only one actually made during the time when hallucinogens were the drug of choice. In the sequence that lands it on this list, Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper have almost completed the journey that drives the entire film. The last stop before they ride off into the sunset is Mardi Gras. Intercutting some footage of the chaotic festival (including flashes of a fucked up creep-clown that may or may not be on stilts) with seemingly random overexposed, washed-out shots of the sun, trees and, umm, the cameraman spinning in a circle. Oh, and the main characters dropping acid in a New Orleans cemetary with two hookers. Ignoring the temptation to keep the narrative in sequence only adds to the bizarre vibe, and the film jumps back and forth between the beginning of the trip (read: good times with 70’s tits and mad bush) and the end (Fonda crying at a statue, one of the hoes moaning that she’s going to die, the other reciting some gibberish like it’s a sermon, etc) all set to a droning, monotonous, macabre, metallic drum sound. Who knows. Maybe you’d have to have dropped acid to get it, but for me, this sequence in the quintessential road movie perfectly captures the weird, ever-looping, indecipherable hell that is a ‘bum trip.’

Slutty McHookerson: “What’s that?”

Dennis Hopper: “Ha Ha. Just shut up and take it.”

You tell her, Dennis. (R.I.P.) While you’re at it, tell me: what the hell was up with those weirdo, 70’s banana tits?! I don’t think I could resist an attempt to peel them. How can the structure itself have changed so much in a generation? No wonder you guys had bum trips…

4. Knocked Up (2007)

Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Las Vegas, Cirque du Soleil and ‘magic’ mushrooms. Hilarity ensues.This film too, perfectly captures the ebb and flow of a trip, but this time for comedic value. Paul Rudd during the chair scene that follows is pretty much the greatest thing of all time. Sidenote: is anyone else weirded out by Rudd not being a douche? He looks like he should be and he was a semi-regular cast member of ‘Friends,’ and somehow he’s still awesome! I’m just sayin’…

3. Entourage: “Tree Trippers” (Season 5, Episode 5; 2008)

The anomaly. I know, I know. I said ‘cinematic’ and this isn’t cinema. It’s HBO. And not even one of the ‘real’ shows, but a half-hour comedy? The quote “Bust a nut in her eye and made her deal with it.” comes to mind. The boys go on a quest to Joshua Tree in a Winnebago with ’shrooms in hand and Eric Roberts (!) at the helm. Once high, each of them has a very strange, and very different, reaction, ranging from paranoia to becoming mute. (Except Eric Roberts. He continues to rule.) Jeremy Piven’s Ari is, as always, the highlight. When he tells Lloyd of his predicament, Lloyd clarifies “Magic Mushrooms?!” Ari cuts him off with “I hate Magic AND I hate Magicians!” I don’t want to spoil any more, so here are some choice (and out of context) quotables:

“Just rocks and dust and trees and tiny little goblins”

“I will seal up your asshole with cement.”

(written on a piece of paper) “My mouth won’t talk.”

“AAGGHH!!” “Drama?! What…” “Nothin’. I thought I pulled my cock off. Heh.”

For the record, if we disqualified this one on account of being TV rather than Movie, opening up the list for the #6 contender, it would’ve been ‘Natural Born Killers.’ Don’t worry though. Ol’ Ollie still has a seat reserved up in this bitch…

2. The Doors (1991)

Easily the best film on here. Oliver Stone captures the surreal air that surrounded The Doors in all of it’s overblown, epic, majestic, guttural glory. Val Kilmer opened ‘The Doors of Perception,’ and replaced Jim Morrison as Jim Morrison forever in most people’s minds. And let’s not forget the earth-shattering music! How the hell is this not #1? Oh yeah. This isn’t about what is the best movie/show on here. It’s all about the drugs and the journey. There is definitely more than one scene that could be included that meets the criteria. The acid-tinged Thanksgiving between Jim and Pam and Patricia and a dead duck. Jim’s first real Walk On The Wild Side at Andy Warhol’s party, which includes crazy-as-Margot Kidder shit like God on the telephone and head in an elevator from that Velvet Underground chick with the man-voice, Nico. That said, there is really only one choice – the desert scene. It’s even good in German! Plus, it’s the only one where they actually take a trip to take a trip. The set-up – Jim brings the band, along with Pam, out to the desert to do peyote with him, and the ensuing trip is soul-baring and strange, from the acting to the cinematography and editing, to how it seamlessly turns into a performance of The End. Ride the snake indeed, Lizard King. Bonus: Quasi-Naked Indian Ghosts That Haunt You Until You Die! Oh, Oliver. You crazy something-or-other! You only made the list once. I guess that means Kevin Dillon is better than you…

1. Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas (1998)

Giliam! This whole fucking film is one big trip on a trip! The ‘Adrenechrome’ scene. Bazooko Circus. We could be here for days if I don’t just pick something. Let’s go with the bathtub scene. Semi-clothed, fully flying on ‘cid, a fat Benicio Del Toro implores a balding Johnny Depp (who pulls a Kilmer and completely embodies the man behind all of this madness, Hunter S. Thompson) to put Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit on the radio and throw the radio into the tub when the song peaks, to coincide with, and electrocute him during, the peak of his trip. By the time the equally annihilated Depp gets his weapon of choice and declares himself “Ahab”, this scene (and film) had cemented itself as the single greatest entry in the ‘vast’ sub-genre of ‘Get loopy on drugs and operate a moving vehicle to take you into unknown-we’ll-just-assume-it’s-safe-territory’ films. If you don’t believe me, ‘Go Ask Alice’…

Yeah, I know. Some of your favourites weren’t on here. ‘Trainspotting.’ ‘Altered States.’ ‘Avenging Disco Godfather.’ Whatever.Tell us what’s what in the Comments section below. Or just shut up and take it. Ya dig?

– Nuv

Why won’t you allow me to re-live my childhood gaming days while out and about?

Namco does with Pac-Man, Galaga and Mr. Driller. Sega does with Sonic the Hedgehog, Ecco the Dolphin, and, most recently, Shining Force.

Where is Super Mario Bros. 3? Why can’t I download and play Super Metroid on the go? What about a Bluetooth-enabled multiplayer Super Mario Kart? Nope!

You have an incredibly nostalgic audience, and your own portable device to sell these games to us on, let alone an array of other systems just waiting for the flood gates to open.

As reported in January of 2010, the life-to-date sales of the Nintendo Wii were 67 million. As the current console lucky enough to be graced by the Virtual Console store, you are missing out. Before the tremendous success of the iPad and iPhone 4, the combined sales of the iPhone and iPod Touch were in the 75 million range. In a recent survey, they found iOS device users download 10 -18 Apps a month. Imagine if just two of those were classic Nintendo games?

And these numbers don’t even account for your own uber-popular portable device. With the release of the Nintendo DSi in November of 2008, and the concurrent release of the DSi Shop, many gamers, myself included, were hoping you would then release your catalogue of 16, 32 and 64-bit games.

It’s disappointing, to say the least, to see your best efforts in this arena are micro-versions of your ever popular, but ultimately whatevs, titles Brain Age, Electroplankton, Master of Illusion titles and Solitaire.

I truly hope you do something about this quickly, as the hacker community is currently drinking your milkshake. On the iPad there already exists a pretty kick-ass SNES emulator that allows you to use an iPhone or your own Wii remote as a controller. This App is available on Jailbroken iPads for $5.99. Why not release an official version?

In closing, there is an entire generation of consumers with itchy instant gratification fingers just waiting for you to sate their needs. I truly hope history does not repeat itself, as I can already see the banner ads flashing, “Everyone does, what Nintendon’t.”

But, that doesn’t mean all is lost.

Back in May Nuv set out with his rudimentary grasp of the English language and embarrassingly adorable spelling errors and wrote an article on [THIS COULDN'T BE MORE PERFECT. HERE'S WHERE IAN LEFT OUT THE WORD 'THE' IN THE VERY SAME SENTENCE WHERE HE IS RECYCLING 'JOKES' ABOUT MISSPELLING. SERIOUSLY. - NUV] death and funeral of Nightcrawler. It was a sad and regrettable event – the death, not the article…well maybe the article too – and I was so dismayed that Marvel had killed off such a great character, that I almost quit reading superhero comics altogether. But, you know, these things have to happen and it’s probably better to kill off a superhero that people actually care about as opposed to someone nobody will miss (ahem, Bill Foster in Civil War).

That said, it should come as no surprise that this week’s column is about Nightcrawler (again), considering that this week Marvel released the final issue of Wolverine: Weapon X #16 which – and I’m not just playing the hype man here – is probably the best comic Marvel has released all year. So what makes it so great? Well, a combination of things really.

For one, it’s written by Jason Aaron, a writer who has been around the business long enough to be great at it, but not so long that he’s become lazy and derivative. Aaron takes us on a post-death journey with Wolverine as he fulfills Kurt Wagner’s last request – to carry a concert grand piano into the Venezuelan jungle and deliver it to a mountaintop mission. Told in a series of poignant flashbacks, this is probably the most concise and heart-felt look at the relationship dynamic between Wolverine and Nightcrawler ever written, and one of the better stories told in either book. It’s funny that Aaron would choose to do this in the last issue of Wolverine: Weapon X, but reading it over you really get the sense that he was given the go-ahead to write whatever he wanted. Powerful stuff, and a great closure point to the somewhat open wound left by the funeral in Uncanny X-Men #524.

Also, hello there! Art by Davide Gianfelice, who I have openly declared my love for once or twice, prompting Nuv to get all jealous and persnickety. Anyway, Gianfelice is back in fine form and it seems to me that he’s a lot happier when he’s drawing historically diverse wardrobes and superhero costumes than he is drawing regular folks in regular clothes. Don’t get me wrong, his stuff is always amazing, but there’s a certain something to the vibrancy in his shifting-era Wolverine and Nightcrawler costumes that combines so well with the depth of feeling in the facial expressions. It’s a story full of heightened emotion, but under Gianfelice’s artistic direction it’s anything but heavy and depressing. Oh, and it should also be mentioned that fellow Canadian Dave McCaig’s colouring is perfect as always.

Nuv: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll there, Stumpy. The only thing uglier than you on this planet is Davide Gianfelice’s bullshit art. You have a problem with JR JR and Ladrönn, yet you like this lumpy garbage? You and Gianfelice should watch a double feature of ‘Mask‘ and ‘Elephant Man.’ And then be put in cages. Or taken to the basement and Old Yeller’d. (I volunteer to carry out this service.) You know what, jokes aside, I don’t even need to argue my point. I’ll just post this panel as Exhibit A, and it’s case closed. You and Gianfelice should both do what this potato-head version of Wolverine suggests here:

Ian: Hmmm? What’s that? I left the room for the previous paragraph. You see, readers, Nuv has unlocked an ancient Mayan secret method of sequencing words in a fashion that they will cause anyone who reads them to become 10% dumber, and depending on your gender, impotent or infertile. As such, I always ignore his baseless blathering. Much like religion, Nuv only has power if you bother listening. Also, totally unrelated to me being gone for the length of a bathroom trip, Nuv’s most prized comics may have mysteriously transformed into used toilet paper…

In summation, I’ve rambled on too long again!  So for your convenience, here are the main points (in order of importance) that you should take with you:
1) Wolverine: Weapon X #16 is an incredible single-issue and should be purchased by everyone with money and shoplifted from big-box stores by everyone else.
2) Talented new creators like Jason Aaron and Davide Gianfelice are the future of comic books and should be given free-reign to do whatever the hell they want.
3) Nuv is and always shall be – to quote the lovely and talented Jennifer Aniston – “a retard.”

Nuv: Wow! Other than the hideous art, Ian stumbled his way to exactly the same conclusion I would have. Oh, sure, I would have done it with far more grace, and far less random, nonsensical “Fight the man! Big business is the devil! Hug a tree! I’m, like, a quasi-vegan, except for fish and penis!” rants. But in the end, we basically see eye to eye on this. Jason Aaron rules. Nightcrawler rules. Sorry. Ruled. Ian did indeed ramble too long. Hey, while his “same ol’ tantrum every week” schtick is getting tired, all’s well that ends well – when he eventually doesn’t get his own way and smashes his head against the wall over and over, screaming for “Mummy” and “Bubzy”(?!) it makes it all worthwhile.

Put two in the air…

– The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: THE BIG TWO MAKE THE LEAP FROM KRYPTON TO SMALLVILLE TO METROPOLIS IN A SINGLE SIX BOUNDS.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

September 1

My Dog Tulip
A New Yorker strip come to life. An old man and his dog. Unless it ends with the dog writing a best seller and living forever in a NYC co-op, I will never see this. Dogs in movies, even animated ones, have life spans and I cannot be emotionally dragged into another animal death.

September 10

The Romantics
A cast that individually are all shades of meh, but thrown together like a Chek Mix, seem appealing. Best watched on a hung-over morning after a wedding.

October 1

Freakonomics
Soooo, now I don’t have to read the book, right? Yes!

The Social Network
Perfection. The best trailer I’ve seen in a long time. Would never have predicted a movie about Facebook, the most perfect time-suck ever invented, would be the one I’m most sad about not seeing.

Case 39
When bad things happen to little kids, and they may be cursed, Rule #1 is DON’T BRING THEM HOME WITH YOU ZELLWEGGER!

October 8

My Soul To Take
Wes Craven murdering a bunch of unknown kids. Sounds like gold to me.

October 26

Nice Guy Johnny
Beautifully shot and scored. Unfortunately Johnny may be nice but he looks like an extra from ‘Joey‘ and FYI Ed Burns, chicks don’t like dudes that are shorter than them and wear crucifix necklaces.

October 29

Monsters
AICN loves it. They may not know how to update a now disastrous-looking website, but they DO know their monster flicks.

November 5

Due Date
Downey Jr. + Galifianakis = TRUE SOLID MOVIE BONER

November 19

The Next Three Days
Haggis directing Liam Neeson advising Crowe on how to bust Banks out of jail for a crime she “didn’t commit” Heist-y, stressful, running, chasing = yup.

November 24

Love and Other Drugs
Gyllenhaal charming the clothes off of Hathaway and us. A perfect rainy day chick flick when you have a cold sore, ice cream and want to masturbate.

December 1

Black Swan
A stunning poster and cast, a story set in the cut-throat world of ballet, directed by the King of Bummer Cinema, Aronofsky. There will be blood.

December 17

How Do You Know
James L. Brooks can concoct a great ensemble dramedy. Throw in the criminally charming Paul Rudd, and you just know this will be good.

No Release Date Yet

Wu-Tang Revealed
I would take the kid to see this in the theatre and make people hate me, purely to see footage like the last 18 seconds of this trailer on the big screen.

Asshole.

– Nuv

R2AK Presents: Anami Vice in Vodka Soda

Bonus Supermegatronyeah! Encore Presentation: Anami Vice in Call And Response