New York Giants

You have to start off by mentioning Eli Manning first and foremost as the MVP for the Giants this season. He threw for just under 5000 yards and 29 touchdowns (18 of those in the 4th quarter) and officially stepped out of the huge shadow cast by his brother Peyton Manning. Legend has it that shadow was caused by Peyton’s mutant forehead. Eli isn’t exactly the most charismatic dude but who gives a shit; he got his team to the Super Bowl, again. Time to give this guy the credit he deserves, and maybe some pointers on how to not give the most boring interviews of all time. I’ll admit that it took a while for me to warm up to the guy but after watching him this season it’s clear he really is an elite Quarterback. He’s more confident now and seems to know the game itself as well as any QB, he’s also more fired up and emotional rather than being kinda meh about most things. The coaches now realize they have a QB that doesn’t need to have his hand held throughout the game cause Eli can get it done. Just ask the Patriots about the last time these two teams played in the Super Bowl.

Victor Cruz surprised the holy bejesus out of all of us this season, especially me cause he was my surprise fantasy monster, well him and Megatron! By the way I’m now officially incapable of saying the name Megatron without yelling it like Starscream would. Okay so Cruz was 3rd in total receiving yards this season with 1536 just behind Wes Welker and… Meeegatrooon! It’s a pretty good chance that the weak ass secondary of New England is gonna get worked by Cruz early on which will lead to him getting double-teamed, which will then lead to the other 400 receiving targets Manning has being even more open.  The Patriots are going to have to respect Cruz out there, much like the Giants will for Welker but I’m positive both dudes will be major factors in the game, and then Salsa with each other.

The Giants have a far superior and far less chubby Defensive line. Much like the last time these teams met in the Super Bowl, the Giants D will get to Brady and punch him in his ass. I predict Brady will get sacked 6 or 7 times and get forced to make a play on almost every down. Completely (clinically?) insane and crazy intense, the Giants were 2nd in the league this year in sacks and 1st overall in causing panic, bad decisions and piss-pants in opposing QBs. This line can be the deciding factor in Super Bowl XLVI, all they have to do is get through a decent New England Offensive Line, and murder Brady.

New England Patriots

Tom Brady threw for 5235 yards and had 39 touchdowns this season. If he wins this Super Bowl he passes Joe Montana for most wins in NFL Playoff history with 17… wow! It’s weird to watch myself type this, but he’s making a pretty good case for himself to be regarded as the best Quarterback of all time. It’s hard to argue against his numbers and if he wins this game on Peyton Manning’s turf, against Peyton’s baby bro, while Peyton has a fucked up neck, it will be the ultimate F-U move. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen but it’s hard to stop someone that good, especially with a ton of offensive options and a ballsy coach. Looking at Brady’s stats it’s pretty obvious he ran the entire Patriots organization this year. He attempted 611 passes and connected on 401 of them and he had 3 rushing touchdowns. He seems to be poised to win another Super Bowl and if his big guys in front of him have the game of their fat lives, then he will.

Gronk no like bad ankle, that make Gronk mad. Does anyone else expect this guy to just grunt and moan and smash the table in interviews? He literally is a beast, oh that reminds me, how’s the second part of that article coming A.T.? Ha, inside joke, you had to be there. Anyways, Rob Gronkowski is the biggest receiving threat in the game because every guy on D needs to know where he is at all times so they don’t get Gronk-Smashed in the face. This guy is impossible to defend, even for a great Defense like the one in New York, even if said Defense double-teams him. Look at these numbers, 1327 yards receiving and 17 touchdowns, and he’s a Tight End! How does a Tight End finish the season with the 2nd most touchdowns?! Now we’re in the playoffs and Gronk has been banged up a bit and all the buzz this week has been about his sprained ankle and the possibility of him not playing. I don’t think I’m buying that. Can you imagine having the season he’s had and then sit out the Super Bowl? Gronk will play and be a huge pain in the ass for the Giants secondary. Gronk Smash!

I’m a sucker for NFL Films, so when I watched A Football Life: Bill Belichick I said to myself “Crap, now I like him, great!”. I didn’t think I’d ever like the convicted cheater but I do and I respect the way he deals with his players, especially Brady. Those two have a relationship you just don’t see that often in sports, a Coach and a player on equal terms calmly discussing how to be successful. Belichick has respect for Brady, as he should, and often lets Brady decide what it’s going to take to win the game, and that just doesn’t happen on any other team. When I stack the Giants and the Pats up against each other, I have to give the coaching edge to the Pats. I know Tom Coughlin is a great coach and he’s great at challenges, but he doesn’t have the same set of balls that Hooded-Monk has. Belichick also slots in players at odd positions like TE Aaron Hernandez at Running Back and WR Julian Edelman at Corner Back. It’s just the ‘Patriot Way’ apparently but it does shake up how the coaches on the other teams prepare for the game, and I kinda like it. It’s just how he rolls. I’m just happy that this Super Bowl has at least one coach that will go for it on 4th and 15.

It’s a little sad to be at the end of yet another amazing NFL season but at the same time I can’t wait for this rematch. I’m having a hard time deciding who’s going to win and it seems I have some coin flipping to do. Nah that ain’t me! I’m going to say the Giants will win this rematch. Their D is that good and their Receivers are going to light up that jerry-rigged secondary of the Patriots. My score is below… and I’m out!

Giants 27, Patriots 23

- Jay Haddow

While knee-jerk reactions about fucking with a classic will cause an internet fanboy apocalypse, the controversy/curiosity will result in much wanted attention and boatloads of money for an industry that doesn’t generate enough of either. For those that are offended by this project, the solution is simple: DON’T BUY IT. For those that feel this will sully the original: DON’T READ IT. I have a friend who every time he watches the movie Heat [SPOILER ALERT, THOUGH IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HEAT YET, ALLOW ME THIS OPPORTUNITY TO REQUEST THAT YOU EAT SOME SHIT] stops it before DeNiro gets killed, because he wants him to get away and has convinced himself that’s where the movie ends. Weird as fuck? Yes! Does it provide him with a more pleasant existence? Yes! Ignore this comic if you’re not feelin’ it. Let your money do the talking instead of your keyboard. DC doesn’t give a shit what mom basements the world over think about this.

On The One Hand: Godfather II. On The Other Hand: Phantom Menace…

Me? I may be setting myself up for disappointment, and maybe I’ll get fuckin’ Jar Jar Binks and Jake Lloyd and 'I'm a person and my name is Anakin!' and all that shit.»  Or maybe I’ll get Pacino and De Niro, and flashbacks to young Vito Corleone’s revenge on Black Hand gangster Fanucci, and “I knew it was you, Fredo.”

Train wreck money grab or masterpiece sequel, either way? These books are gonna be some sexy motherfuckers! Just LOOK at the creative teams below…

BEFORE WATCHMEN

RORSCHACH (4 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: Lee Bermejo

MINUTEMEN (6 issues) – Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

COMEDIAN (6 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: J.G. Jones

DR. MANHATTAN (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artist: Adam Hughes

NITE OWL (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artists: Andy and Joe Kubert

OZYMANDIAS (6 issues) – Writer: Len Wein. Artist: Jae Lee

SILK SPECTRE (4 issues) – Writer: Darwyn Cooke. Artist: Amanda Conner

Each week, a new issue will be released, and will feature a two-page back-up story called CURSE OF THE CRIMSON CORSAIR, written by original series editor Len Wein and with art by original series colorist John Higgins. There will also be a single issue, BEFORE WATCHMEN: EPILOGUE, featuring the work of various writers and artists, and a CRIMSON CORSAIR story by Wein and Higgins.

Darwyn Cooke! J.G. Jones! Jae Lee! Lee Bermejo! TWO motherfuckin’ Kuberts!!! Sheeee-it, son!! Even Micro-nuts himself, Ian, is bound to be down with Cooke, Amanda Conner and Adam Hughes on board!

I’m in, DC. Don’t fuck it up. EVERYBODY’S Watching…

– Nuv

TODAY: THE ARTIST, ALBUM & SONG OF THE YEAR!

*DISQUALIFIED*

Before it came out, most people would’ve guessed this would’ve been my Album of the Year, myself included. I was pumped for Yelawolf’s major label debut even before the first single was released, and when it finally was, Hard White (Up In The Club) met and exceeded those high hopes. And then, finally: the album! I started listening and breathed a sigh of relief when Yela fucking killed it on the intro track, and the second track began promisingly enough too. I have to say, I love the half that’s just Yela rapping. Partway through track 2, I met the other half of the album: sub-par guests. Overly saccharine chick-sung choruses. Rappers that can’t keep up. Weak songs built around the few rappers that can. This album is fucking Two-Face. Flip a coin, Radioactive. Pick a side. Half an album can’t qualify for Album of the Year, even if it’s by my current favourite rapper.

ARTIST / ALBUM / SONG OF THE YEAR

Believe the hype: Black Hippy are the second coming of N.W.A. that The Game was supposed to be, putting Cali back on the Hip Hop map with the THUNDER! The Hoover Crip, ScHoolBoy Q. The self-described Black Lip Bastard, Ab-Soul. The back-flipping Blood Jay Rock. And, standing front and center, Compton’s own Kendrick Lamar, crowned the Prince of the West Coast by no less than Dre and Snoop.

I’d like to revise that coronation and declare Kendrick the new King. He has yet to lose a step, Crip-walking the tightrope between rapper and gangster, wearin’ a backpack. His inkpen paves a path through the ghetto that he hopscotches, poignant to poisonous from one bar to the next. He’s even-keeled on the delivery, letting his words be the aggressors. Keep it real?! He’s REAL real! No pretense, no bullshit. No flashy wardrobe – he’d rather rock a black hoodie. No fake persona – he doesn’t even have a “rap name,” using his real one instead. Naw, what he’s got is stories. Scathing social commentary. And SONGS! Songs with slithering, serpentine verses that come full circle and eat their own tail. Hooks that really HOOK, and lines that reel ‘em in every time.

And his album? Fuck, man, Section.80 is the shee-eye-it! No other record got more play by me this last year. The 80 in the title refers to the 1980s that he was a product of and the same period provides much of the subject matter (crack), mood (Cold War paranoia) and inspiration (hometown heroes N.W.A.). From opener Fuck Your Ethnicity to the last track, HiiiPoWeR, the album maintains a lush, cohesive feel and demands a listen straight through, impressive in this iTunes-made era of no attention span, a la carte, Choose Your Own Adventure-style of listening. Not to say that there aren’t high points though. In trying to choose my favourite track off the album, well, I straight up failed. I narrowed it to three. Maybe you can help me choose…

Do I go with the anthem? The RZA-produced Ronald Reagan Era, an ode to the various Bloods, Crips and other nogoodniks that populate his neighbourhood, BANGS, in all senses of the word. Gimme a “Whoopty-whoop, whoopty-whoop-whoop” if that’s your vote.

Or maybe I should go with my first love off this album? The song that flexes all of Kendricks MCing muscles, Rigamortis? The one that has him, over a fucking killer horn loop, slowly building from his natural, laid back delivery to the lesson-in-breath-control, words-pressed-against-each-other, hyper speed frenzy he reaches by song’s end. That’s how you rap, right there, dammit!

But, naw, Hol’ Up! I think I gotta go with A.D.H.D. The song’s narrative takes us through a party, masquerading as a boy-meets-girl tale and an ode to getting fucked up on drugs and alcohol, sneaking in theories on 80s kids and the connection to short attention spans, apathy, over-medicatication and tolerance to intoxicants, AND THEN, finally, reveals itself the theme song for Generation Y. (Whew!) Do the knowledge: A.D.H.D. is crazy! It’s probably his most important song and definitely his masterpiece. Plus: it says “Fuck that!” a lot. Fuckin’ swear words, yeah!!

“Now, everybody put three fingers in the air.” Song of the Year. Album of the Year. Artist of the Year. He’s a motherfuckin’ triple threat! He’s the motherfuckin’ truth! The voice of THIS generation. Kendrick is his name, and the boy’s comin’ Straight Outta Compton. (Damn, it feels good to be able to say that again – FOR REAL – for the first time since 1989.)

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, and fuck the police, I’M OUT!

– Nuv

OK! I’M RELOADED…

Danny Brown – XXX
Action Bronson – Dr. Lecter
Black Keys – El Camino
Ty Segall – Goodbye Bread
The Throne – Watch The Throne
Raphael Saadiq – Stone Rollin’
Asher Roth – Pabst & Jazz
Girls – Father, Son, Holy Ghost
The Strange Boys – Live Music LP
& introducing…
Hanni El Khatib – Will The Guns Come Out “He describes his songs as being for anyone that’s ever been shot or hit by a train.” AND he’s a half-pak! How could I not love this?! (Best tracks: Dead Wrong • You Rascal You)

EPs OF THE YEAR
Black Milk & Danny Brown – Black & Brown EP
Bad Meets Evil – Hell: The Sequel EP
The Sheepdogs – Five Easy Pieces EP

SOUNDTRACKS OF THE YEAR
Cliff Martinez – Drive OST
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross – The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo OST
The Chemical Brothers – Hanna OST

*that aren’t on any of the above albums

Das Racist – Michael Jackson
Tyler The Creator – Yonkers
M83 – Midnight City
Cults - Go Outside
Yelawolf – Gangsta of Love
Lloyd (Feat. Andre 3000) – Dedication To My Ex (Miss That)
SBTRKT (Feat. Drake & Yukimi Nagano of Little Dragon) – Wildfire (Remix)
Drake – Dreams Money Can Buy
Saigon – Preacher
Pusha T – My God
ScHoolBoy Q – Kamikaze
Saigon – The Invitation (Feat. Q-Tip)
Lil Wayne – Six Foot Seven Foot (Featuring Cory Gunz)
XV - U.F.C. (U Fuckin’ Crazy)
Get Busy Committee - Chains
Action Bronson & Statik Selektah – Keep Off The Grass
XV – SmallVille
Get Busy Committee – Opening Ceremony
Mad Child – Hangin’ On By A Thread
Danny Brown & Joker - Head For Free
The Pack A.D. - Sirens
Frank Ocean – Novacane
Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks (Butch Clancy Remix)

BATTLE OF THE YEAR
Tyler The Creator vs. B.o.B. – Yonkers • No Future

2011 was the year of so many almost beefs that were defused before they ever really began (Yelawolf vs MGK, quickly defused by an MGK apology; Royce vs Canibus, never made it from Twitter to wax) and one that’s been one-sided so far (Common vs the yet-to-respond Drake in Sweet). Thankfully one beef crossed over into actual battle territory. After Tyler’s throwaway diss in the bonkers Yonkers (”I’ll crash that fuckin’ Airplane that that f****t n***a Bob is in”) B.o.B. came back (hard) at Tyler and the whole Odd Future crew on No Future. A diss song in the mold of the classics: simple, scathingly clever, condescending and cocky. You can say what you want about his pop-ass singles, but between this and his showing at the BET Cyphers, nobody can question his skills. I would say he got both the last word and the last laugh.

Winner: B.o.B.

LIVE SHOW OF THE YEAR ALL TIME

‘Fuck else would it be?!?

MUSIC MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Shady 2.0 Cypher at The BET Hip Hop Awards
Shady Records really made all of 2011 one big music moment. The signings of Slaughterhouse and Yelawolf. Eminem & Royce Da 5′9″ reuniting to rap better than ____________ (fill in the blank with ANYBODY!) on the long-promised Bad Meets Evil EP everyone had been asking for since ‘99. 2.0 Boys. Yelawolf killing it on every appearance (live and recorded). And finally, closing out the year with a Michael Bay-ass bang at the BET Hip Hop Awards with the cypher to end APOCALYPSE all cyphers! (Nouns as verbs, what up?) Yela kicks in the door for Slaughterhouse. And then Royce’s “Hi Rihanna” shit blows up the internet. And then. AND THEN! Eminem. God. Damn. Verse of the year. Easy. Best verse of the ANY Cypher. And it’s probably gonna stay up there at the top for a loooong time. Unless Em shows up at BET again next year. At this point, the only one that can beat him is, well, him.

“WHAT. GOES. UP. MUST. COME. DOWN. (BUT NOT ME CLOWN!)”
TWO separate motherfuckers sampled two separate Lords of the Underground tracks this year. This immediately shows a depth of hip hop knowledge in these two young bucks, and also immediately takes me back to junior high with a nostalgia that can only result in feeling old when it wears off. I mean, these kids are sampling shit from when I was still in a single-digit grade like they’re oldies! Makes a motherfucker feel like Nick Nolte looks, ya know? Aw hell, Chewbacca, at least they’re both Dope. Anyway, the first song to call out the Lords name in vain is Thurz’ Los Angeles, which samples Funky Child (Actually, more accurately, it samples the same song Funky Child scooped and looped its horns from) and the second song, Joe Cool’s F’N Cool samples Chief Rocka. Both Child and Chief used to rock in the Walkman (yeah motherfucker: tapes!) all through Grade 9. Cuttin’ class and smokin’ grass. All-purple Cross Colors outfit, out back of the gym. Hand up mo’ skirts than a puppeteer. You know what’s F’N Cool? Me! But you know what’s also F’N Cool? Fingerbanging!

BIGGEST MISSED OPPORTUNITY
“This is a story all about how / my life got flipped, turned upside down.” At a Christmas party with a karaoke machine, I was out of the room when the rest of the party got together and did a group sing-a-long of THE FUCKING FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR THEME SONG WITHOUT ME!! I don’t even like karaoke but I was born to do that shit! I know every word to the fucking extended version that only aired with the pilot and like one or two other episodes!! I may spend the entirety of 2012, fists raised to the heavens screaming FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

Fuck! Alright, time to Jazz myself out the door. Yo Holmes, to Bel Air…

– Nuv

TOMORROW: THE #1 ARTIST OF THE YEAR, ALBUM OF THE YEAR AND SONG OF THE YEAR!

My score: Ravens 24, Patriots 28. Actual score: Ravens 20, Patriots 23
My score: Giants 20, 49ers 17. Actual score: Giants 20, 49ers 17

AFC Championship

Ravens vs. Patriots

I was actually hoping the Ravens were gonna pull this off but then Billy “The Whiff” Cundiff had to go fuck that up, now didn’t he! There are now reports coming out of Baltimore that he was rushed and didn’t get into his routine before the kick. Pfft, whatevs dude, you choked. What a waste of energy from all that inspirational screaming Ray Lewis does before the game. The Ravens did everything else right which is why this must be so painful for their fans. They got a great game out of the offense, and the defense held the Patriots to their lowest point total since Week 9. Less impressively, the Ravens also had six penalties called against them compared to 0 the week before. The Patriots capitalized on those mistakes and the game was over.

Yes, the Pats did a decent job but they didn’t win the game, the Ravens lost it. Tom Brady didn’t throw a touchdown pass and nobody really stood out on the Patriots side. I guess that means it was a team effort but the game still left a bad taste in my mouth. Ravens fans are running out of quality time before most of the defence is moved into a Seniors Home so it hurts extra bad to end the season on a missed kick. Oh, I just found out that Ray Lewis will be back next year. Probably as the new kicker.

NFC Championship

Giants vs. 49ers

I guess Victor Cruz read my last article that outlined his general meh-ness from the week before, ’cause that guy was out of his damn mind! He had 10 receptions for 142 yards and the 49ers had no answer for him (no TD Salsa dance though, sorry ladies.) Eli Manning also gave good game by throwing for 316 yards and two touchdowns, and only one droopy hang-dog face after a miscue by Cruz.

The game itself lived up to the hype as both defenses were pretty hard to beat, and it seemed like each quarterback was sacked like 42 times. There were tons of forced fumbles including two by Kyle Williams that were both recovered by the Giants. (Have fun reporting to camp next year pal.) The 49ers didn’t trust their QB Alex Smith enough as he only threw 26 times and the team gained only five first downs with a pass. To put that in perspective, the Giants gained a first down 17 times with the pass. Smith didn’t have a bad game, he just only had Vernon Davis to throw to. Manning spread the ball around a lot more, getting eight people in on receptions.

The 49ers clearly had a tiny playbook that day, but they did take the Giants to overtime and were exciting to watch all year. Speaking of overtime… When is the NFL going to realize that the current system just ain’t right? You can’t have sudden death when each team gets a separate series of possessions. It’s just weird.

The Pro Bowl

The NFL All-Star game is this Sunday and I’m gonna watch like 4 minutes of it. I’ve never actually watched an entire Pro Bowl in my life because I don’t really understand how or why it exists. I get that the players bring their families to Hawaii and schmooze with all the Hall of Famers and all that, but how do you play actual football? You certainly can’t tackle the shit out of a guy, which then makes defensive players that are voted to the Pro Bowl kinda useless right? The NFL would like to award you for your fine defensive play with a trip to Hawaii and to play in the Pro Bowl, but you better not do your job and play defence or So Help Me God!

Being a football fan that loves his defence, the Pro Bowl just doesn’t do it for me and it’s kinda weird watching something so violent and awesome turn into nicey backyard football. I don’t think there should even be a game. Maybe just have a skills competition, or maybe a hotdog eating contest, or better yet, a who can get the most court appearances contest!

So, there we are. Be sure to tune in next week as I travel down the road that the Patriots and Giants took to get to Super Bowl XLVI for this epic rematch. I hope we pick up a one-eyed hitchhiker dressed as a robot pirate!

– Jay Haddow

Nuv: I commissioned Romita Jr. to do ten prints of you getting kill-fucked by the shit-monster from Weird Science (aka Bill Paxton) your mom (aka Bill Paxton). They’re being hung up on your wall high enough so you can’t reach them (6″ off the ground) as we speak.

Ian: Ian intro (done) Nuv wasting time and air (yep) and: Let’s do this!

Arthur “Art” Adams – Scarlet Witch

Ian: With an ever-changing sense of design, Art Adams has been an innovator in the comics industry since the mid-eighties. While a lot of his contemporaries (Rob Liefeld, Erik Larsen, etc.) fell into the trap of sticking to the ridiculously outdated look of the 1990’s, Adams paid tribute to pin-up artists of the past while pioneering his own style and producing some of the most beautiful cover work in comics today. Case in point, Wanda’s extraordinary rack from the cover of Avengers: The Children’s Crusade No. 3. Yowza!

Stanley “Artgerm” Lau – Mina Harker

Ian: According to Artgerm’s deviantArt, he did this sketch of Mina Harker (from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) at five in the morning in 45 minutes. If that doesn’t blow your mind, nothing will. Also, Mina Harker is my second-favourite character in Alan Moore’s best work (coming in just behind Captain Nemo). What do you got to say about that, Nuv “Pubegerm” Takhar?

Nuv: Nothing much. I won’t mention that a LOT of characters cum in just behind you. No need. My next choice will piss you off on enough levels all by itself…

Frank Quitely – Alan Moore

Nuv: The weird Wiccan writer responsible for arguably the greatest works in the medium, (Watchmen, The Killing Joke, his beard) as depicted by one of the most consistently original, amazing and innovative artists in the medium. From his unique figures to his detailed structures to the interesting framing and masterful pacing of his panel-to-panel storytelling, Frank Quitely is quite frankly 14,000 times the man Ian will ever be. And that’s just in height!

Chris Samnee – Daredevil

Ian: I love Chris Samnee and I love Daredevil and I hate Nuv, and therefore I love this picture. BOOM! DESCRIPTION DONE! In all seriousness though, no one working in the industry can touch what Chris Samnee can do with two-tone, two-dimensional images. Everything he draws is visually unique and this piece (a commission, I think) is no exception.

Cliff Chiang – Felicia Book

Ian: Cliff Chiang’s variant cover for American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest No. 1 is the kind of thing that gets fanboys in a lot of trouble. Generally I steer clear of variants, but this is the kind of image that’ll send a man trolling eBay like he’s Nuv in a tranny shop, and spending more money than he should. And it doesn’t help that vampire hunter Felicia Book is possibly the best character in the whole series.

Cliff Chiang – The DC Runaways

Nuv: “Hello Daddy, Hello Mom!” Cliff reimagines some of DC’s super heroines as the teen-rebel girl group, The Runaways. Also rad? He gets to draw one of them (Wonder Woman) monthly in her ongoing series. It’s less 70s, but no less bad-ass. Cherry!

Rafael Albuquerque – American Vampire 1955

Nuv: The first Rafael on this list, but not the last! Albuquerque’s been a BEAST on AV from day one, but my love of the 1950s made these two covers grab a stake and carve a special place in my heart. Stay gold, Rafael, stay gold.

Darwyn Cooke – Sue Storm

Ian: It probably took Darwyn Cooke less than five minutes to complete this convention sketch, but if he had one, I’d probably give Nuv’s left nut to own it. So that’s how THAT goes.

Francis Manapul – Wonder Woman

Ian: I already wish Manapul was on a book that I cared about and this image just makes it all the worse. As much as I love his art on The Flash, I care about the character about as much as I care about Nuv (not at all) and I’d much rather see him working on something else. For example, how does a guy draw a Wonder Woman pin-up THIS AMAZING and not get handed that book outright?

Nuv: Uhh, ’cause Cliff Chiang’s already killing it on that book. And ’cause Flash is consistently amazing with Manapul at the helm. I think the real question is: how do some people look directly at you without puking outright?!

Ian: Spoken like a true dickhead, Nuv. Touché.

Dustin Harbin – Tyrannosaurus Bats!

Nuv: I purchased Harbin’s “Behold! The Dinosaurs!” for my daughter’s bedroom, and this is the first print that’s gonna go up on my next kid’s wall. Harbin’s art gives me the same feeling I used to get reading Calvin & Hobbes. Spiff!

Andrew Hou – Wolverine

Nuv: Shee-it, we got mo’ dinosaurs than a MU’FUCKER ’round here, pa’tner! This shit is crack to anyone who used to be a 5 year old boy. And choosing to just show the before and after, leaving the actual battle to the imagination? Well played, Andrew!

Henrik Sahlstrom – Lobster Johnson

Ian: Who in the hell is Henrik Sahlstrom? I don’t know either but I hope he makes the CEO’s from Marvel, DC, Dark Horse and Image fist-fight each other to secure his services.

JC Richard – Fortress of Solitude

Nuv: A classy widescreen presentation of Superman’s home in the North Pole, with a barely perceptible red, blue and yellow streak flying off in the upper right corner. Fool them adult motherfuckers with this tasteful, minimalist painting, a grown-up way to display your childish tastes.

Ian: Your mom’s a widescreen presentation.

Jock – Hanna Promo Posters

Ian: I’ve never been very impressed with Jock as an interior artist, but his covers are consistently amazing and so, it would seem, is his corporate ad-work. I loved the movie Hanna, and when I saw that Jock had done a series of Hanna-inspired promo posters, well, like I wish Nuv would do next time he’s near a window, I flipped right out. Great stuff!

Nuv: Nobody’s ever been very impressed with Ian’s jock.

Dan McDaid – Michael Jackson

Nuv: The funk of forty thousand years, bitches! I did a fuckin’ high kick just like Michael when I first laid eyes on this pop masterpiece. (Too bad Ian wasn’t standing in for the other lead in this piece.) McDaid is the correct answer to the question “Who’s Bad?!”

Eric Canete – Luke Cage

Nuv: Sweet Christmas! Ian lost a bet and had to be nice to me for a week. It happened to be a week where he would be attending a comic convention that the inimitable Eric Canete was also attending. BOOM: signed print of Luke Cage fighting three tigers like a BOSS. Paid for by Ian. Enjoyed by Nuv.

Phil Noto – Jean Grey

Ian: Phil Noto is a modern great. Every comic book cover (and interior) he does is extraordinary and I’d honestly buy just about anything he put pencil to. He also maintains two awesome Tumblr pages (1 and 2) where he regularly posts new images that will inspire you to either a) become a better artist or b) quit drawing forever. Why? Because Phil Noto is the king.

Phil Noto – Super(Mad)Man

Nuv: Noto does indeed wield his pencil with an iron fist. I’ve always dug this pic, portraying Mad Men’s Jon Hamm as a commanding, stern-but-just Man of Steel. Anyone who’s heard this dream casting call (including Noto, apparently) agrees that it’s a perfect fit. Like Ian’s mouth and peens.

Ian: And like Nuv’s neck and a noose.

Sam Wolfe Connelly – Nightcrawler

Ian: Sam Wolfe Connelly has a style that will immediately remind you of James Jean and Joao Ruas. You guys, I’m talking about gorgeous graphite and digital colour works! He also has a habit of using Marvel characters as his subjects, which pretty much makes him a genius. Love this Nightcrawler? I knew you would! For more examples, check out his Captain America and Wolverine pieces! Holy smokes!

Rafael Grampa – Batman

Ian: Rafael #2! His last name is fuckin’ GRAMPA! And like most Grampas everything he does is tougher than anything you’ll EVER do. Now get off his damn lawn! Damn kids.

Kagan McLeod – The History of Hip Hop

Nuv: Kagan not only put together the tome of amazingness that is infinite Kung Fu, he not only illustrated a flyer for the Toronto Ghostface Killer show last year that belongs in a fucking museum, he not only seduced your woman with his pen and slapped your little brother with his deadly art hand, he also constructed THE GREATEST POSTER OF ALL TIME! The History of Hip Hop is exactly that: edutainment in the form of the headshots of 469 (!!!) rap icons on one side, facts and recommended listening for every one of ‘em on the reverse, and supreme quality to match the sheer quantity. It ACTUALLY might be bigger than Hip Hop, word to Dead Prez! Kagan was nice enough to sell me a few (so I could frame both sides) AND he even threw in a few extra for YOU crumbs, just ’cause he’s Nicer than Pete! You want one? Here’s how…

All you gotta do is comment below with your own hip hop history. Tell us who the first rapper you remember hearing was, and the one song of theirs you recommend. The first three mofos to do so, WIN THE POSTER FREE OF CHARGE*. Ready, set, SKIP IAN’S PARAGRAPH!
*shipping not included

Ian: Well that’s it for now! But don’t worry folks, my folder of awesome comic book art is huge and my predilection for not writing real articles in a timely manner will ensure that we’ll have plenty more art shows as the year goes on. Think of it as the Review 2 a Kill equivalent of a sitcom clip-show. Except, you know, not sucky to the max.

Put two in the air!

– Ian

Listen you guys, did you watch the premiere of Alcatraz on the Fox television network last Monday? It was a two-hour series premier and, to quote the infamous Venus Toshiba, “IT WAS THE TITS!”

Now, I don’t watch a whole lot of television dramas, but a week ago I saw a commercial for this show and I was all “SWEET BABY! IS THAT DR. ALAN GRANT FROM JURASSIC PARK?!” A lot of people probably tell you that Star Wars was the most influential movie of my youth, but those people don’t know me! Those fools don’t know about my incapacitating love for Jurassic Park AND Sam goddamn Neill! Calming down, I knew that I was going to have to give Alcatraz half a shot because of Sam goddamn Neill alone.

Anyway, what else was I going to watch on Monday nights? Two and a Half Men?! With Ashton Kutcher, Ducky and that kid who used to be cute? FORGET THAT! No, up until this week, my Monday nights were a huge block of free time where I could just sit around after a hard day’s work and ponder how much I hate my job. But how Things. Have. Changed.

I’ve thought about this for at least five minutes and the best way I can describe Alcatraz is that it’s a cross between CSI, Prison Break, Lost and X-Files. And if that don’t get your boat a floatin’, nothing will! The basic premise of the story is that in 1963 all of the prisoners of Alcatraz mysteriously disappeared from their cells. There was a huge cover up (they were said to have been transferred to other prisons) but now one-by-one they’re starting to reappear in the present. And they’re still the same age as they were when they disappeared! And some hidden puppet master is pulling their strings and making them perform tasks. SOMETIMES THOSE TASKS ARE MURDEROUS! Needless to say, the 302 escapees aren’t sticking around the island, and they’re performing some awesome and/or horrible acts now that they’re free.

Sam Neill heads up a shadow-arm of the FBI and has created a four-person task force to recapture the Alcatraz prisoners as they reappear. One prisoner per episode, get it?! Neill plays Emerson Hauser, the leader of the squad and the cute Indian girl from Bend it Like Beckham (Parminder Nagra) is Lucy Banerjee, his right hand. Sarah Jones plays Detective Rebecca Madson, a San Fran cop with a connection to one of the 302. She also plays a super fox, although that may-or-may-not be part of the plot. She recruits the loveable Doc Soto (Jorge Garcia, the chubby dude from Lost) to be her partner because he’s an expert on Alcatraz and therefore all the escapees. Oh, and I can’t even say the name Robert Forster without getting goosebumps, and he’s in it too. So far, best cast ever.

You know what though? I could tell you a lot more about the show, but then it would be Spoiler City. Suffice it to say that Alcatraz has started off at an amazing pace and the performances I’ve seen so far have been very strong. Sam Neill walks the line between grumpy hard-ass and preposterous over-actor so convincingly that every one of his scenes are pure gold. The bodies hit the floor and the blood sprays all over the place and I’m pretty sure this show is going to make its reputation on its refusal to pull punches. Civilians, schma-schmillians. There’s going to be a ton of twists and turns throughout (a replica Alcatraz in the friggin’ woods?!) and if you’re a fan of shows like Lost and the X-Files, this one is going to be right up your alley.

ALCATRAZ! More episodes for my eye-balls tonight! Thanks!

– Ian

My score: Saints 28, 49ers 19. Actual Score: Saints 32, 49ers 36
My score: Broncos 34, Patriots 31. Actual Score: Broncos 10, Patriots 45
My score: Texans 13, Ravens 24. Actual Score: Texans 13, Ravens 20
My score: Giants 27, Packers 31. Actual Score: Giants 37, Packers 20

I would like to start off by giving a 20-minute standing ovation to the Saints and 49ers. That game had just about everything. Crazy turnovers, lots of touchdowns, 4 lead changes in the last 4 minutes, and a grown man crying, to name a few. That game set the tone for an epic weekend that I guess Jesus decided to skip. Speaking of Jesus, Tim Tebow had as many pass attempts (26) as Tom Brady had pass completions. Even with Christ himself up your ass for luck, you can’t win a game that way. But hey I’m not here to live in the past, or piss off any more churchies. I’m here to talk about each team that has made it to the Conference Finals, and if you’re lucky, a prediction of the scores. Let’s do this!

AFC Championship

Baltimore Ravens

I love teams that have a good defense so by rights I mega-love the Ravens. These old dudes handled the potent offense of the Houston Texans no problem last week, but they now have to deal with the Brady Bunch. They have a tough task ahead of them and they’re going to need a very good game from the very vanilla Joe Flacco. The guy should also probably just shut up and play ball instead of bitching about how the media blames him for the Ravens getting knocked out of the playoffs last year. Oh and if you have a rad moustache as a good luck charm, don’t bitch about that either. The Ravens have a suffocating secondary that can match up with any receivers or tight ends. They have Ray Lewis and an amazing set of linebackers. They have a rad coach and defensive coordinator, but their defensive line needs to get to Brady. They didn’t sack T.J. Yates once! I thought he would’ve ended up on the ground like 5 times. If the Ravens play the D they’re known for, they can make some noise and move on but this is probably the last chance they have as Lewis, Suggs and Reed are a combined 98 years old. That’s 98 years of crazy old man strength though.

New England Patriots

The only pure offensive powerhouse left. They have so many weapons it’s kinda not fair but can the Ravens counter them all? The Patriots are like those rich kids you knew growing up that were good looking and good at everything and really super easy to hate. But the more I think about it, the more I actually respect the Patriots and realize, I have no reason to hate this team. They’re exciting and pretty much just like the Packers who everybody loves now. Both teams are pure offense and it showed this season as they were ranked worst, and second worst respectively in defense. So why else should you go for them? They have two tight ends that are impossible to stop: Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez. The Gronker will get above everyone and must be double-teamed, oh, and it takes two dudes and a net to bring him down. Meanwhile, Aaron Hernandez is left open to do all kinds of crazy things like slot in as a running back. This just shows me that this is the kind of team that is entertaining; a team that will try crazy shit behind their tunic-clad head Coach. I’m looking forward to Brady and the Gronk vs. Lewis and T. Sizzle. Wow, they should stop handing out nicknames.

Final Score
Ravens 24, Patriots 28

NFC Championship

New York Giants

Arguably the best team overall for the last three weeks. They’re getting consistent play from everyone, except the receivers. Okay, so Hakeem Nicks has stepped up but where are Mario Manningham and Victor Cruz, and when they do show up, why are they dropping easy passes? Eli Manning’s face can’t get any more hang-dog than when you idiots drop the ball, and I don’t like that face, it’s very slappable. Besides, Manning is playing great right now so if the receivers do their jobs, this team isn’t fun to play against. The front four on defense are also playing lights out while still wearing intimidating masks that would make me pee out my ass if I was a quarterback facing that. The Giants pretty much dominated the defending champs on their home turf with a balanced running and pass attack. They kept it simple and trusted their quarterback when they needed too. I don’t know if the 49ers can do the same as experience is way over on the Giants side of the ball. One rad thing that might happen is if the Giants go on to win the Super Bowl, Eli will flash his ring in big bro Peyton’s face, prompting a pissy slap-filled brother fight that I myself have a lot of experience in.

San Francisco 49ers

They have a well rounded and hungry team with a dangerous defense, oh and they’re riding an emotional high from their last win. I got caught up in the magic of that game and the “underdogs” coming out on top. But now that the hangover is gone, I’m looking at this team and thinking, Alex Smith won’t have a millisecond to make a decision. Smith had a great game though and shut me up instantly when he took off and ran in an epic touchdown, but the Giants D will be going after him like he stole from a blind puppy. That’s where the run game comes in and I’m afraid the Giants will be ready for that too. I know the 49ers have a lot of weapons but they’re young and will make mistakes that they can’t afford if the Giants play well. Once again, it will come down to the 49ers defense to keep the game close and the fans to energize the home team. The wildcard in all of this is the Coach Jim Harbaugh. He’s infinitely more entertaining than New York’s Coach Tom Coughlin and anytime a player runs off the field to cry in his coaches arms earns my respect… and a little snicker.

Final Score
Giants 20, 49ers 17

While typing this I realized I put the predictions of the scores in. Lucky you. I also realized that we’re going to have a rematch of Super Bowl XLII. It’s just logic folks and it comes down to experience and Quarterbacks and the Giants and Patriots win in both categories. But maybe it’s fate that the Ravens will face the 49ers and the Harbaugh brothers will kick the crap out of each other at halftime. Oh man can you imagine if they started fighting on stage while Madonna’s singing and then start crying and run to Mom and Dad! We’ll have to wait and see. I just know I want exciting football and a whole lotta crying!

– Jay Haddow

Y’all know what the fuck I’m talking’ bout. “The Kid” behind The Revolution. The man behind The New Power Generation. That “skinny motherfucker with the high voice.” Y’know, Ol' Wolfman-Nards himself» PRINCE!!

Motherfuckin’ Prince Rogers Nelson at motherfuckin’ Rogers Arena right here in motherfuckin’ Vancouver!! An occasion worthy of a 5 “fuck” paragraph, no question. And if you happened to look down at this review and thought it looks awfully long, well don’t worry, that’s not the first time I’ve heard that phrase. And my response in both cases: “Sit back, relax and trust me, baby. I know it looks like a lot to take in, but if you can handle it, you’re in for a hell of a ride.” Alright, I’ve been waiting for this almost my whole life. No more waiting. Let’s do this…

“I Was Dreamin’ When I Wrote This…”

The anticipation was killing me! I’m usually (fashionably) late for shit, but this night I made sure we were early. Now, I’m not really a “hurry up and wait” kinda guy, so once we got there, I had no clue what to do with myself. I’m Nuv. I don’t get excited for shit! I just pokerface it up. Cool, calm, collected. Even keel. Stern, but fair. Here we are, but… what now? Well, a watched pot never blah blah, so after checking out the stage (more on that later) and finding our seats (ditto), we decided to take a walk around to gather beer and attempt to decipher the imagery on the merchandise.»

I didn’t wanna miss a second of this though, so we made haste back to our AMAZING/EXPENSIVE seats, Row 3, to the curly-stem side of the Love Symbol stage.» Within moments I knew without a doubt that subtlety would reign supreme this night. Lightning began to flicker across the screens surrounding the stage. A disembodied voice came from nowhere» : “Vancouver! are you ready? I wanna HEAR YOU!!” I worried for a second. If Van City didn’t respond to his liking would he flip us the bird, do the splits and split?! Naw! Our roar sounded the trumpets for His Royal Badness’ coronation and Rogers Arena SHOOK! Oh, and we shook something loose from the stage: Prince himself, rising up through the damn stage to be greeted by huge plumes of smoke and ALL OF THE CONFETTI IN THE WORLD!!!!»

“The Sky Was All Purple…”

As the gold and purple rain blanketed/infiltrated us (RIP Miss Teen USSR’s eye), Prince kicked off his set with Gold and… PURPLE RAIN?! Sheeeee-it, opening with your closer?!! That’s ballsy! Both songs whipped an already frenzied crowd into just straight-up rabies. By the time we got to the incendiary guitar solo and the “Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo” sing along part of Rain, it was like someone slipped everyone E. A lot of touching, ranging from scrunch-faced high-fives and one-handed-dap-man-hugs’ to heavy petting and straight up dry-humping and shit. Even I was dancing a rapidly-moistening-from-the-excitement hole in the floor. (Probably not the only hole in the building to take this course of action.) In fact, everybody as far as I could see was on their feet for the whole show, and I think the only purpose those seats served was a barrier to keep everyone from just up and fucking the person in front of them. Meanwhile Prince was fucking» our minds through our ears! (How has he not put out an album called Aural Sex?) I was taking it all in when I wondered aloud “what the hell is he gonna follow Purple Rain with?” Cue: Let’s Go Crazy! And cue every motherfucker up in that motherfucker doing exactly what the song suggests. Note: this is already the best show I’ve ever seen, and we are only THREE SONGS IN.

“Ain’t Nuttin’ But A Muffin, And We Got A Lotta Butter To Go…”

The setlist was ree. Diculous. Now let me just say, with a catalogue as deep as Prince’s there was no way he was gonna be able to squeeze it all in. I didn’t get to hear Erotic City, Little Red Corvette, Sexy Motherfucker, 7, or ANY of the Batman soundtrack. So why am I not more disappointed? Well, you tell me, if you got to hear Prince perform:

Delirious/Let’s Go Crazy (Reprise)/1999, Shhh (this song is single-handedly responsible for any pregnancies that happened that night), Mountains, a medley of Come Together / Everyday People / Long Train Runnin’ (ehh, just amazing covers of my favourite Beatles, Sly & The Family Stone and Doobie Brothers songs, respectively, no big whoop), Alphabet St. (thankfully the only song chosen off the album with the creepiest cover of them all, Lovesexy, is also THE RADDEST) Angel (I’d like to thank Sarah McLachlan for providing Prince a one song respite; long enough to showcase his backup singer, and for me to piss, get more beer and not listen to this audio equivalent of a chick wiping forward), Controversy (the LP version is one of the best in Prince’s catalogue and the stripped-down, dark electro-funk fuckery of the live version, with a snippet of the monstrous Housequake tossed into the middle of the song, is equally BANGIN’), a cover of the Ohio Players’ Love Rollercoaster, Take Me With U, Raspberry Beret , Cream, Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough (Prince’s way of saying RIP to MJ; Shamone!), and Cool (whew!)

…would you be disappointed? If the answer is anything other than “Fuck naw, Nuv! That shit sounds mo’ proper than a mu’fucker!!” please kill yourself.

“I’m Here To Tell Ya, There’s Something Else: The Afterworld…”

That’s a pretty complete concert, no? NO! It’s the encore, sons! Prince came back on pretty quickly after the set ‘ended’ and brought the house down with a masterful rendition of his gender-bender, mindtrip of a song, If I Was Your Girlfriend. And then, despite joking that he couldn’t possibly continue, ’cause he “ain’t got no mo’ hits,” that lying-ass motherfucker hit us with THE hit: Kiss. Ever heard a deep-voiced, terrorist-bearded paki sing fuckin’ champion falsetto like a bee-itch? ‘Cause anyone sitting anywhere near me during that song sure-as-fuck did! To finish off he did a spine-tingling version of a song I don’t even like, that most people don’t even know was his: Nothing Compares 2 U. Sinead O’Connor, eat your pope-hat!

That’s a pretty complete concert, right? NEVER! ENCORE #2, MOTHERBITCHES! They did their best to convince us otherwise. The house lights came on, sound guys left their stations, and a sizeable chunk of the crowd bounced, but we was like “naw!” After about 15 minutes he returned, rockin’ a damn doo-rag like he was Math Haddow, and proceeded to rip through a slammin’ drum and synth-heavy sampler set with snippets of The Dance Electric (instrumental – a song Prince wrote for André Cymone, a bassist that was in a pre-Revolution band with Prince and Morris Day), Hot Thing (one of my favourites from the more obscure portion of his catalogue thanks to parent-hating lyrics like “Hot Thing, barely 21…. give your folks a call… tell ‘em you’re comin’ home late if you’re comin’ home at all”), When Doves Cry (his signature song got a reaction matched only by Kiss, and that was when the whole crowd was still there), Nasty Girl (instrumental – from an all-girl Prince side project called Vanity 6, referring to the amount of tits amongst the 3 members; side-note: he originally wanted to name the front-woman Vagina rather than Vanity, naturally), Sign O’ The Times (social commentary/80s time capsule, featuring such uplifting imagery as exploding space shuttles and AIDS), Darling Nikki (instrumental – the most we were gonna get outta ol’ Churchmouth on this one, to Tipper’s delight), Shockadelica, The Most Beautiful Girl In The World (…tumbleweed…),and finally, Dance (Disco Heat) (a cover of A, oops pardon me, THE ONLY, Sylvester song), smack-dab in the middle of the 1-2 punch that closed out the show perfectly, the siamese twin songs that plays over the credits in Purple Rain: I Would Die 4 U / Baby I’m A Star. Tip the mic stand, drop the guitar, and POOF. Vamoose, son of a bitch.

THAT’S a pretty complete concert!

“I Guess I Should’ve Known By The Way You Parked Your Car Sideways This Wouldn’t Last…”

Happy Ending:
And, just like that, 2.5 hours (and 400,000 high-fives across time from 5 year old-Nuv) later, it was done. The epicenter of an epic December, and easily the best show of 2011. And 2010. And, well, all the years before that. You might say I’m biased. This is true. This is my favourite artist of all time, and I know his catalogue inside and out. Barring Prince calling me on stage and kicking my dick off or something, there was almost no chance I wouldn’t have loved it. But don’t just take my word for it. Everyone I was with agreed wholeheartedly. Even Douche Bandicoot himself, and he wasn’t a fan AT ALL before the show. Anyway, for me? Bias, schmias. The Kid was in rare form. At 53, Prince still moves, sings and guitar-faces like he’s in his prime. This was the best show I’ve seen as far as showmanship. As far as musicianship. Crowd control. Setlist. Timing. Length. Money’s worth. Top to bottom, 10/10. The only possible way it could’ve been better is if Morris Day and The Time had opened for them. Know this: I (and 5 year old-Nuv) will remember December 16, 2011 fondly. Forever and a day and shit. BUT…

Darkly Ambiguous Ending:
…I’m kind of afraid it’s the best show I’ll ever see. Unfortunately the next night did nothing to reassure me otherwise. Jay-Z and Kanye West, two of the biggest names in rap, killed it (for the most part), and I was underwhelmed. Is that it? Have I been ruined forever? Is this gonna be like acid, where you’re always chasing the feeling of that first glorious hit, knowing you’ll never find it or even really come close? Was that as good as it will EVER get? Was 2011 my concert-going 1999? Mommy? Why does everybody have a bomb?

Party over, oops, out of time.

– Nuv

You Are Now Watchin’ The Throne. Don’t Let Them Get In Their Zone.

The show was appropriately epic, with grand spectacle manifesting in the stages and smoke and screens and moving setpieces. And, of course, the setlist. No surprise it was MONSTROUS, delivered by two veterans at the top of their game and bringing out the biggest and best, (and more importantly, as witnessed in the Spike Jonze-directed Otis video, the FUN) in each other. The show itself began on a high note, with Kanye on one stage and Jay-Z on the other, directly in front of us. And then the stages raised up. Level with us, and then higher still. Images flickered across the sides of the elevated cubes, atop which stood two musical giants.

They spent the night bouncing off each other, passing the baton so each could run through some of their classic solo songs and coming together like Devastator for tracks off their inaugural collaborative effort, Watch The Throne. Which is exactly what we did. Diamonds in the sky ‘cause we felt the vibe, for hit after hit after hit…

…and there were a lot of hits.

BUT.

There were three major strikes.

First (and worst) was the mob of drunk fuckfaces. This one actually has two sub-sections. Before and during.

Strike 1a.

Before the show some dicks from Manitoba were trying to claim that our seats were theirs to poor Miss Teen USSR and the homey Chris, both being much nicer than they needed to be. They turned around to see me (Jay “Manslaughter” Haddow at my back), got in my face and… apologized? Apparently someone eventually grabbed and read these illiterate shitheads’ tickets and told them where they were actually sitting, and off they went. Hmm. Okay. Ended up being more of a foul ball than a straight up strike, but whatever.

Strike 1b.

During the show there was a weird little gnome with a too-small neck-scarf-bib and the most punchable features ever shat onto a face one row ahead of us. And his row of friends one row behind us. And he spent. The. Whole. Fucking. Show. Turned around and rapping at them. And bumping us with flailing, limp-wristed rap-hand. And blinding us with his cameraphone flash. (Counter attack: chop to the limp wrist, results in flying phone and return of eyesight.) And climbing into our row to get in their row. And apology relay between this drunk cunt and his not even-pretty-in-the-strobelight girl friends. And on his way back to his row, BUMP! Beer on my hoodie…

Pause.

One FURIOUS exhale later, Taliban beard puffed out, activate ‘angry father/deadly serious murderer of neck-erchiefed douchebags’ voice and: “Hey. HEY. Fuckface. (Lean all the way in) Never again.” And so it was. Young Gargamel pranced over the row in front of him and back into the Massengill box from whence he came. And we went back to enjoying the show. And lemme tell you (again), Jay and ‘Ye were on goddamn point! Well, for the most part…

Strike 2.

Kanye’s 9 minute rendition of one of his bullshit 808s & Heartbreak songs (I make a bit of a dry-heave face every time the name of that pieceoshit album has to spew out of my mouth). I think it was called Heartless, which you must be, Mr. West, to make me listen to that sopping bucket of emo cumsock. Seriously. You were a genius pre-808s & Heart(gag)break, and a genius post-808s & Heart(blargh)break. Don’t take it too hard. You were grieving the loss of your mother and shit during the making of 808s and (PROJECTILE VOMIT EXORCIST STYLE FOR 20 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!!)… moving on…

Strike 3 (THROUGH 11!!!!)

Niggas In Paris. Performed 1000 times in a row in place of an encore. Yeah. “????????” indeed. I’m exaggerating, but I wish I was joking altogether. Hey. Jay.‘Ye. YOU PLAYED N.I.P. 4 TIMES AT OUR SHOW AND 10 TIMES THE NEXT NIGHT AND DIDN’T EVEN PLAY WHY I LOVE YOU, MY FAVOURITE TRACK OFF OF WATCH THE THRONE, ONCE!!! What the fuck guys?! I love(d) N.I.P. from the first time I heard it. The spark was gone though around the fourth consecutive performance of it. Just… what?! I mean, twice, I get. You’re having fun, it’s a fan favourite, the crowd’s hot. But TEN TIMES?! That’s some MJ mental meltdown, bizarre burka/baby-out-the-window type shit! And this was not the first time this happened. Apparently the amount of times the song was performed kept increasing through the tour, Vancouver just had the ‘fortune’ of being where it reached critical mass. I mean, Rolling Stone did a fucking expose on the song and your strange behaviour. Like they were keeping tabs on a fucking epidemic or charting a natural disaster or watching Tom Cruise couch-jump for love and Level 7 Bio-Hubbard Alien Supremacy and shit. Ah, but I don’t need to tell you all this shit Jigga. It’s not like U Don’t Know. You say it yourself in the song, verse one: “Ball so hard, this shit weird.” You ain’t kiddin’, Hov. No matter how much I wish you were.

The Break’s Over

Look. I’m not tryin’ to throw rocks at the Roc or suggest you vacate The Throne. The album’s dope, your solo back catalogs are dope, the show is dope. You guys are dope. I just hope you don’t forget how you rose to power. By never standing still. Never repeating yourselves. Take cues from Kanye’s creativity, but take direction from Jay. Takeover. In fact, you should take inspiration from one of his songs in particular. Next time forget about Niggas In Paris and remember…

On To The Next One.

Tomorrow: MOTHERFUCKIN’ PRINCE!!!!!!!

– Nuv