We wanted to have some fun with this. You feel fun right? Back before Rakim’s 2010 show, Nuv wrote a little ditty listing Rakim’s best 18 songs (brevity was never his strong point). Here’s a taste:

17. Let The Rhythm Hit ‘Em
Rap espionage. The beat’ll leave you shaken and stirred while Rakim takes full advantage of the icy menace of his impossibly smooth voice. Someone should name a drink after this song.

Yeah, they should. So, that’s where you come in…

Sip The Juice (We Got Enough To Go Around)

We want you to come up with a drink recipe for any of Rakim’s songs. Be it smooth, sweet, smoky or just plain slick, we’ll select the best two and bequeath two tickets to each winner. Cool? Cool.

Leave your best cocktail concoctions in the Comments below.
And hurry up son, deadline is midnight Tuesday May 22.

Jay: “Once again, back is the incredible…”

Nuv: “…Rah-uh, ruh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh…”

You: What the hell are youse two guys yammering on about?

Nuv: Tsk, tsk. I thought you knew the ledge and shit. Hey, Haddow. Learn this motherfucker…

Jay: Ahem. (adjusts imaginary tie) OHMYFUCKINGGOD, THEFUCKINGGODISCOMING! Rakim Allah! Coming back! To Vancouver! TO FORTUNE SOUND CLUB!

Nuv: Yo, you can’t ace the test without studying, B. Do the knowledge.

Jay: Translation for old and/or white folk…

Nuv: …AKA the Haddow family…

Jay: …read on for ticket prices and other relevant details…

FORTUNE SOUND CLUB &  STUSSY PRESENT…

THE LEGENDARY RAKIM (ERIC B & RAKIM)

W/ GUESTS CONSCIENCE, J-DENNIS, JAY SWING

WHERE & WHEN: Sunday, May 27 at Fortune Sound Club (147 E. Pender at Main in Chinatown) doors 8pm – 12am

FACEBOOK EVENT PAGE: HERE.

TIX: Early Bird (limited quantity) $20, Advance $25, and then $30 available at Beatstreet, DIPT, Livestock Gastown, online HERE.

“I’m pretty sure the first time a rapper’s delivery was referred to as butter, that dude was probably bumping Rakim. While others had to scream on the mic to get your attention, Rakim laid back on it and still came off menacing. Cool and calculating, he spun a web with his words, lured you in and had you exactly where he wanted you. Some say he fell off. You got it all wrong, melon-farmers. The art of MCing just finally raised itself to his level. So, “Stick my dick in ya ear and fuck what ya heard.” – Nuv Takhar, 2009

Jay: “It’s the return of the Wild…”

Nuv: I already did that one.

Jay: Oh. Right. How about “spread the word, I’m in E-F-F-E-C-T, a smoo…

Nuv: Yo, I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish, but RAKIM HAS THE BEST FLYER OF ALL TIME! Note the third name over from the left at the bottom of that shit.

Jay: THAT’S US!

Nuv: THAT’S RIGHT!

Jay: Well alright then.

Nuv: Say, any o’ you mu’fuckers know how to time warp me straight to May 27th? No? Pfft. We OUTTA here.

Jay: Yo, what happened to peace?

Nuv: PEACE!

Still need convincing?! Shee-it. R2AK’s been hippin’ you hippies to Rakim since time BEGAN and shit! Nuv and Jay saw Rakim last time he came to Vancouver (thanks, and super-mega-pogo-jump high fives, to Jay Swing!) and had to wear eye patches over both eyes for a while after. Oh, they could see fine. They just kept crying out blown-mind bits. POW: Nuv’s review! BIFF: Jay’s pics/vids! ZOWIE: Nuv’s list of the top 18 Rakim songs! And if you’re still unsure, go re-read Nuv’s quote (up, and to the right of Piggy Seldon’s floating head of doom). And if you’re STILL still unsure after that?

Go fuck yourself.

- Nuvy T. & Jayhad

“Look! Tiny riot gear. Awwww…” (Community continues to rule Thursday night comedy with an iron fist.)

“Sh-sh-sh-sh”-ee-it: just wait’ll you motherfuckers get a load of ‘Sandpaper’…

Lead by Hulk, The Avengers smashes it’s way into Nuv’s Top 5 Superhero Movies. For the record…

Friday Mourning…

Ty Segall whips Waldorf hairbags into a Friday night Frenzy…

Saturday Morning! (starring Stella Belle Takhar & Nuv as Himself)

– Nuv

ON OUR NEXT EPISODE: MORE NEWS ON THIS!!!
(Look closely at the names along the bottom…)

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)

Brass Monkey

Paul Revere

Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun

Shake Your Rump

So What Cha Want

Pass The Mic

Sure Shot

Get It Together (Feat. Q-Tip)

Sabotage

Gratitude

Fuck.

– Nuv

Timbre Concerts and Karmaloop Present…

EL-P

With Special Guests Killer Mike, Mr. Muthafuckin Exquire, Despot
Monday July 2nd, 2012 @ FORTUNE SOUND CLUB
Doors at 9:00pm, Show at 10:00pm

Tickets $20.00 advance available online at www.ticketweb.ca

Also available at Red Cat, Highlife, Zulu and Beatstreet Records.

From Brooklyn, rapper and producer, on tour to support his latest release “CANCER4CURE”.
For more info, visit www.definitivejux.net and www.timbreconcerts.com

ON SALE NOW! BUY HERE!

So, wake yo’ goat-mouth-ass up and run a hundred miles before your coffee! You can Sleep When You’re Dead, forfucksakes! What you need to do right now is bust out the keytar and go Full Retard! The invincible, Indelible El Producto is comin’! Shee-it, even when he “say nothin’ it’s a beautiful use of negative space!”

In the meantime, you can cop El-P’s Cancer 4 Cure LP on May 22, and bone up. You’re gonna need to know every word for “yelling along” purposes…

Fuck yeah, yo!

– Nuv

Batgirl – Stephanie Brown was a great Batgirl and rocked the black and purple for too short a time (24 issues). Lucky for us the cosplayers think so too!

Batwoman – In a sea of unoriginality (Venus counted twenty-two Poison Ivys and over ten Harley Quinns) there are always a handful of original costumes. This Batwoman was one of our favourites for sure.

The Court of Owls – Easily the most eerie costumes of the con. Fear the court!

Harley Quinn, Scarecrow and Catwoman – Win! Win! Win!

Hawkman – Character fail, costume win! Sure Hawkman sucks, but check out those awesome wings!

Lady Blackhawk – In every crowd picture there’s an Asian saying everything with their eyes. LOL! Seriously though, this one is definitely in the running for best con costume. Fan-tas-tic.

Poison Ivy & Two-Face – I’m gonna write some x-rated fan fiction about these two! It’s gonna be a new feature in the comics section of R2AK! Look for it in May!

The Riddler - Nailed it!

The Rocketeer – Girl Rocketeers are my most favourite thing ever. Considering I’d give my left nut for that jacket and helmet, this one is really well done!

Rogue & Punisher – There are no shortage of crappy Punishers (and Deadpools) at comic conventions, but this guy put a lot of work into his costume. And that old-school Rogue is fantastic too. Nice!

Wonder Woman – Ame-Comi (by Udon Studios) make the best manga-fied heroine statuettes and the fact that this woman made an Ame-Comi Wonder Woman costume endears her to our hearts.

Zatanna – Cute and awesome, a con without a Zatanna is like a day without sunshine. Or like a Nuv article without spelling and grammatical errors. Go fishnets!

THE. END. (Whew.) Y’all get home safe now, y’hear?

– The Explosivos

Billy Fowler’s Nightcrawler – I was lucky enough to pick up this rad-ass print by a rad-ass artist. Check out Billy’s website and be amazed!

Brian Buccellato’s Lady Blackhawk – Best known as the colourist on Francis Manapul’s The Flash, Buccellato has some artistic chops of his own. Check it out!

Cat Farris‘ Portal – For the cake-loving puzzle solvers in all of us.

Christopher Uminga’s Batgirl – Cassandra Cain was the most bad-ass Batgirl ever to wear the uniform. Venus managed to get this amazing commission during the Saturday madness.

Dean Trippe’s Supergirl – I had this image as a computer wallpaper for a long time before I found out who did the art. Lucky for me I was able to get a nice print from the man himself!

Dustin Nguyen’s Lady Blackhawk – Nguyen was swamped for three days and still signed and sketched for almost anyone who asked. I’m super-glad Venus asked.

Francis Manapul & Brian Buccellato’s Wonder Woman – Venus not only got Francis Manapul to sketch her a Wonder Woman, she also got Brian Buccellato to colour it. PSYCHIC POWERS OF PERSUASION.

Greg Capullo’s Scarecrow – I managed to score a copy of this Greg Capullo print for Numbnuts on Saturday. Capullo was all “This Nuv guy sounds like a giant idiot.” Right you are, Greg! *

* Legal counsel for the site (A.T. the Bartender) has advised me to put in small-print that the above misquote, despite its absolute truth, is a shameless and wholly fabricated libel intended to disparage the character and ruin the already-questionable reputation of said “giant idiot.”

Katie Cook’s Birds of Prey, Min-Ian, Mini-Venus – I almost died…OF CUTENESS! Venus’ Birds of Prey commission theme is basically the best idea since… ever. And since Katie does $5 sketch cards of anything you want, Venus got her to do us blowing stuff up in our respective trades.

Kelly Sue DeConnick & Phil Noto’s Ghost – I’d been meaning to read Image’s Ghost for a while now, and with a new series starting soon (DeConnick writing, Noto drawing) it’s a great jumping on point.

Marcus To’s Batgirls – Marcus To really kicked ass on the 6-issue Huntress series that just wrapped up, so we were pretty stoked to see him (and his awesome prints) at ECCC 2012.

Matt Wagner’s Lady Blackhawk – Venus’ final commission of the con, the icing on the cake, and Wagner absolutely NAILED IT. A great way to get rid of those pesky American greenbacks before heading home.

Phil Noto’s Daenerys Targaryen – We love Game of Thrones almost as much as we love Phil Noto’s art. Venus picked up this print and now all I can do is listen to “Hey Jealousy” by the Gin Blossoms on repeat.

Phil Noto’s Lady Blackhawk – Venus paid for a black-and-white commission and Noto coloured it for free by accident. It’s unexpected raddities like this that makes a great con extraordinary!

Tim Sale’s Cassandra Cain Batgirl – Venus always manages to snag a fast-pass commission from Tim Sale and once again he totally rocked it for her.

Stay tuned for THE SECOND INSTALMENT of our photo gallery of con-goodness! Coming up in the next article: Cosplay!

– The Explosivos

Everyone has a mock draft, and youse bitches is ALWAYS wrong.

In fact, the only picks that are certain right now are Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III at No. 1 and No. 2, respectively. Oh yeah, and there’s the Vikings, who had a press release revealing that “with the #3 overall pick, we will be choosing either Matt Kalil, Morris Claiborne, or Justin Blackmon.” NO SH#T?!? With the 3rd you’ll pick the 3rd, 4th, or 5th best player that’s not an Adrian Peterson replacement?!? F*ck you guys. When you jerkoffs pick, I’m goin’ for a piss…

Every other pick is fair game, with very few media outlets agreeing on who will go next. That’s why I’ve taken’ their ‘clear’ first 6 picks, tossed ‘em in a shaker, and poured all y’all shots of your next NFL stars. Cuz whatever order the booze is poured, you’ll get football drunk just the same. Oh, and I’ve added who they’ll taste like. Don’t worry… I meant that in a dirty way…

1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Tastes Like: Peyton Manning, Sam Bradford
This one is a no-brainer. Luck is the best quarterback prospect since who knows when, and there couldn’t be a player more fitted to succeed Peyton Manning…. But not BE Peyton Manning. It will take him a while to win, but once he does, he’ll do it for a long time. If they don’t wanna wait more than 3 years, they can get Peyton back then, and trade Luck to the Jets to replace Tim Tebow.

2. Washington Redskins – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
Tastes Like: Randall Cunningham, Cam Newton
There may not be a more exciting prospect in this year’s draft class. Think Cam Newton, except more polished. Think Randall Cunningham with more quickness and less churches. Griffin will likely be one of the top contenders for the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year, and will definitely win the award for talkin’ on the sideline phone to interfering owners.

3. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC
Tastes Like: Joe Thomas, Jake Long
Minnesota could go with a receiver at this pick, but to be honest, neither Justin Blackmon nor Michael Floyd is worth the third overall pick. Their best bet is to draft a franchise left tackle in Kalil to protect the back-ass of their franchise quarterback, Christian Ponder, and get Adrian Peterson back in his prime form (thanks for the fantasy bust, jerk). While it isn’t the sexiest pick, it is the best pick for the Vikings. Besides, they better look impressive for at least THIS year, cuz soon its gonna be easier to look sexy in L.A…. Duhn Duhn Duuuuhhhnn!

4. Cleveland Browns – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Tastes Like: Maurice Jones-Drew
There has been quite a bit of talk as to what Cleveland will do with this pick, but if they draft anyone other than Richardson, it will prove that the franchise is in complete disarray. And they’re still dumb-dumbs. A running back like Richardson doesn’t come around every year. He had more touchdowns rushing this year than almost every quarterback had passing. He has the ability to be an offensive juggernaut in Cleveland for years to come. Oh yeah, and if they can complete a handoff and pitch, the Brown’s will finally get what they want: never having to pass.

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Tastes Like: Champ Bailey
After bringing in some major free agents on the offensive side of the ball (see: Vincent Jackson, Carl Nicks), the Buccaneers will address their defense with the best cornerback in this class. This kid could be one of this generation’s next receiver-erasures like Champ, and is tough as nails, as he apparently played the last quarter of the season with a torn wrist tendon. Claiborne will also have some time to learn from, and be the eventual replacement of, future Hall of Famer Ronde Barber, when he retires in 2018.

6. St. Louis Rams – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
Tastes Like: Hakeem Nicks
The truth is that drafting Blackmon here is overdrafting him. However, no other pick makes sense for the Rams and he’s the best in the draft. They desperately need a top receiver for Sam Bradford, seeing as Brandon Lloyd douched off to New England. While Blackmon may not be yet be “elite” in most ways, he is good enough to provide a big boost to the Rams offense. Also, most scouts say he is a better pro than former teammate Dez Bryant… and gets arrested in less malls.

Oooooooh it’s gonna be drafty on April 26th!

BRRRRRRRRRR!!!

– Balls Out

The Play Is The Thing
I already told you how good A Bomb-itty of Errors is, but if you’re silly and haven’t already gone, here’s a neon pink warning: This is your last weekend to catch it performed live in Vancouver. Lest you think I’m biased, I’m not the only one who loved it. Hence the glowing reviews from Miss 604, The Georgia Straight and The Vancouver Courier. Now, go man. Just go.

Craft-O-Matic
Make It! The Handmade Revolution is here at the Croatian Cultural Centre Friday through Sunday. Back when I was a teenager, the CCC was where you went to see punk rock bands and watch sluts make out with slut dudes. Now it’s where I’m going to snap up a bunch of crafts from people who are way more talented and resourceful than me. Further proof they know how to have a good time – booze is served. Drunk craft shopping? If you need me, I’ll be the one sweating and annoying the vendors with too many compliments. Mom drunk!
Click & print the poster below for $2 off admission.

Nerd Herd
If you’re shrugging your shoulders at crafts and Shakespearean hip hop, may I interest you in a little something called MEETING LOU FERRIGNO IN PERSON? Or, maybe, Kevin Sorbo, Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Killing’s Billy Campbell, Worf from Star Trek, or 1960s Batman (Adam West) with his Robin (Burt Ward) and THE MOTHERF-CKIN’ BATMOBILE?! What is this seemingly names-pulled-out-of-a-paper-bag crazy concoction of folks, you ask? It’s the Vancouver Fan Expo running Saturday & Sunday at the Vancouver Convention Centre. The nerd fumes will be running HIGH and I haven’t even mentioned the comic industry attendees. Along with our good friends Jason Copland & Ed Brisson, there’s gonna be greatness in the form of Pia Guerra (Y: The Last Man), Yanick Paquette (Swamp Thing), Greg Rucka (Whiteout) and Ken “Value Added” Steacy (an island boy, who was at Nuv’s very first comic convention at his boyhood comic shop, Island Fantasy). Speaking of that scoundrel, The Big Two (Nuv & Ian) will also be in attendance checking out any boobs on display and Raid-fighting (lots of blocked slaps and sweat). Admission info, the full list of attendees, special panels and photo ops here.

Pick a Flick
I looked up what was opening this weekend. Did I quickly get distracted and look at Beyonce’s Tumblr account? Maybe. I did see one movie I’d be willing to pay a lot of money to watch while eating popcorn: Jeff Who Lives At Home. I think it’s a universal truth that by now Jason Segel is the one guy most girls would friend f-ck.

Constipation Motivation
At the top of the list of weekend simple pleasures, there is really nothing better than sitting on the toilet and f-cking around on your phone. While our grandparents bravely rub their aching war wounds, our generation will grow old and bemoan our ass muscle circulation, caused by many a back-to-back game of Draw Something. Since life is pretty much just a giant competition for me, I am pretty unhappy that I am terrible at this game. To rub salt into the wound, Nuv has this really irritating habit of being good at everything. He has mastered Draw Something in ways I cannot describe. So, I’ll just let you feast your eyes on what he pulls off using a thumbnail and iPhone. Nutty.

Terrible People Laugh Loudest
This recommendation is really simple. You can even stay in. Cards Against Humanity is the greatest card game we have ever played and we play a lot of card games. The only prep you need is to have a sidekick go print off the cards somewhere like Kinko’s etc. (The cheaper the better ’cause that’s the only fee you pay for this ridiculous fun time.) And tell that good pal to pick up a bottle of Nikka whiskey on the way back. (It’s Japanese and will straighten your pubes.) The official rules are on their site. The unofficial rule is you are only playing to make each other laugh inappropriately. With that, everybody wins.
Click the pic to download a free PDF of the cards. Print. Play. THAT’S IT!

Sunday Sweetness
So, now it’s Sunday night. You’re allowed to get excited for TV. Buy a bag of the greatest snack known to man – Popcorn, Indiana’s black & white drizzled kettle corn – and be prepared to be super angry when your greedy fingers hit the bottom of the bag.

Now, grab a pillow and blanket (the long winter’s coming) and settle in for some Grade-A entertainment. First up, Game of Thrones. As of about a week ago we were on Season 1, Episode 2. Some hard core ignoring of adult responsibilities let us catch up right quick and now we are like the rest of the world and have to wait each week patiently to see what will happen next. For a gal that has never liked fantasy, history or incest, I am hooked. Favourite character – Peter Dinklage’s Tyrion Lannister. Always and forever, Dinklage.

And, finally Mad Men. Just when I thought this season was crazy amazing, they let Lane beat the sh-it out of Pete. (I will never like Pete. Even when he cries like me in an elevator.) This season can now do no wrong. Other than Megan’s mouth.

And now it’s time for bed. I wish you the sweetest of dreams. Remember – there’s only five more days until your next weekend…

The second annual V.I.C. Fest will be held on June 16th, again on the gorgeous grounds of St. Ann’s Academy. After this small taste of the f-ck yeah fun to come, we’re sure the second year will play out like so – crammed with a variety of talented local performers, food & booze. And boobs. And violins. And lots of beer.

Ultimately, it’s the very best of what Vancouver Island has to offer.

Here are a few snaps Jay caught of the night – a tease of great things to come.
(For tickets, great contests and more info, go here.)
See you there!