Top Ten Things You Missed in the First Five Issues!

No. 10 – Batman Fist-Fights His Entire Rogues Gallery

Both Paul Jenkins and Scott Snyder opted to open their books with a crazy rogues-gallery-on-the-loose scene. The difference being that Snyder wrote it better and Capullo drew it better than David Finch. Mr. Freeze and Clayface look amazing and Two-Face is super gruesome! Nothing beats how rad Killer Croc looks and when Batman boots his knee in, well, that’s just the icing on the cake. GOLD!

No. 9 – Batman Gets High (So High)

From the opening alley-fight to the Batcave, most of the first issue is super confined. Near the end though, Snyder gets Batman swinging up over Gotham and it’s really the first scene where you see what Capullo is capable of. People were worried that he’d go too over the top with a ridiculously long cape (like in Spawn) but he restrains himself. The care taken in choosing a great angle – and the inclusion of some well placed bats – make this a beautifully dynamic page.

No. 8 – Helicopter Smashed-In Motorcycle Jump

Too many writers focus on Batman the angry, broody nutcase. Snyder, on the other hand, has really played up the stuntman adventurer and it’s made the flagship Batman title infinitely more thrilling to read than any of the other three. Case in point: Issue #2 where Batman launches his motorcycle from the top of a train into the front of a helicopter. BAD ASS.

No. 7 – The Sad Tale of Alan Wayne

Early in the re-launch, Scott Snyder said his main goal was to drag Bruce Wayne from a place of comfort and confidence into the gutter of paranoia. The first time we see this is when he begins to realize that not only could the Court of Owls exist, but they may have been tormenting the entire city (including the Wayne family) for generations.

No. 6 – Those Sneaky Bastards!

Oh WHAT?! Not only do the Court of Owls exist, they’ve been occupying secret floors in all the Wayne buildings all over town for decades. Yeesh.

No. 5 – SHA-SHA-SHAKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!

I’m a sucker for a great explosion and man, does Greg Capullo ever deliver a great one at the start of issue #4. Batman looks pissed right off as he flies through the air, and how cool is Snyder’s narration? “Most people assume the danger of a trip-wire lies in the blast. Not so. The real threat from a tripwire comes later…in the aftermath. The truth is, a trip-wire is a greater instrument of fear than violence. It demoralizes and terrorizes everyone in range, suggesting that the enemy knows the terrain better than you do, that this is their home, and they’re everywhere at once… ” Epic.

No. 4 – Bruce Wayne, Boy Detective

There’s a great aside in the fourth issue where Bruce (still in denial) tells Dick he knows for a fact that the Court of Owls never existed because he investigated them himself, as a child. Then the story cuts to a cool flashback of Lil’ Bruce, after his parents death, investigating the rumour of the Court to see if they had anything to do with his regrettable orphanization. Not a real word Microsoft Word? Whatever!

No. 3 – Bruce Through the Looking Glass (Or, As it Turns Out, Wall)

I guess it’s kind of hard to keep denying the Court when their Big Bad aka The Talon successfully stalks you through the sewers like a punk and puts your ass through a wall. Plus while you were flailing around he stole your utility belt like he was taking candy from a baby. Embarrassing! Also, you know I like a lot of black in my comic books. Batman stories should have a lot of shadow, and Capullo keeps it BLACK and makes sure that his readers get shoved down the well with their hero.

No.2 – That Creepy Goddamned Eyeball!

The fifth issue finds Batman trapped in a labyrinth for days, wrecked on drugged water and tormented by room after room of light he can’t hide or sleep in. The pages rotate willy-nilly throughout the issue setting up a very creepy experience for character and reader alike. What’s really creepy, though, was the decision of Snyder and Capullo to bust out one of Batman’s eye covers and leave one crazed eye exposed all issue. It’s a trick we’ve all seen a bunch of times with Spider-Man, but there’s something so alarming about it happening to Batman. Eerie, unsettling and awesome.

No. 1 – The Best Cliffhangers Since the Movie Cliffhanger

Apparently Scott Snyder is a huge fan of Stephen King and it really shows in the way he ends almost every issue with a big fat cliffhanger. King ends almost all of his chapters with a shock too, and the next thing you know you’ve been up all night reading friggin’ Cujo or whatever. Anyway cliffhangers done properly are one of the most entertaining literary devices going, and at this point it’s safe to say Scott Snyder is doing it TOTALLY RIGHT. Did you enjoy watching the Court of Owls torment poor ol’ Batman to the point of insanity? No? Okay, well now we’re just going to stab the crap out of him and leave you hanging for a month. Sound good? JESUS SNYDER!

And that’s it! Another bad-ass top-ten list courtesy of a guy who loves making lists about comics instead of writing real articles on meaningful topics. But hey, it sure-as-shit beats all this football talk. Amirite? Batman #6 comes out in two weeks!

Put one in the air!

– Ian

Nuv: I commissioned Romita Jr. to do ten prints of you getting kill-fucked by the shit-monster from Weird Science (aka Bill Paxton) your mom (aka Bill Paxton). They’re being hung up on your wall high enough so you can’t reach them (6″ off the ground) as we speak.

Ian: Ian intro (done) Nuv wasting time and air (yep) and: Let’s do this!

Arthur “Art” Adams – Scarlet Witch

Ian: With an ever-changing sense of design, Art Adams has been an innovator in the comics industry since the mid-eighties. While a lot of his contemporaries (Rob Liefeld, Erik Larsen, etc.) fell into the trap of sticking to the ridiculously outdated look of the 1990’s, Adams paid tribute to pin-up artists of the past while pioneering his own style and producing some of the most beautiful cover work in comics today. Case in point, Wanda’s extraordinary rack from the cover of Avengers: The Children’s Crusade No. 3. Yowza!

Stanley “Artgerm” Lau – Mina Harker

Ian: According to Artgerm’s deviantArt, he did this sketch of Mina Harker (from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) at five in the morning in 45 minutes. If that doesn’t blow your mind, nothing will. Also, Mina Harker is my second-favourite character in Alan Moore’s best work (coming in just behind Captain Nemo). What do you got to say about that, Nuv “Pubegerm” Takhar?

Nuv: Nothing much. I won’t mention that a LOT of characters cum in just behind you. No need. My next choice will piss you off on enough levels all by itself…

Frank Quitely – Alan Moore

Nuv: The weird Wiccan writer responsible for arguably the greatest works in the medium, (Watchmen, The Killing Joke, his beard) as depicted by one of the most consistently original, amazing and innovative artists in the medium. From his unique figures to his detailed structures to the interesting framing and masterful pacing of his panel-to-panel storytelling, Frank Quitely is quite frankly 14,000 times the man Ian will ever be. And that’s just in height!

Chris Samnee – Daredevil

Ian: I love Chris Samnee and I love Daredevil and I hate Nuv, and therefore I love this picture. BOOM! DESCRIPTION DONE! In all seriousness though, no one working in the industry can touch what Chris Samnee can do with two-tone, two-dimensional images. Everything he draws is visually unique and this piece (a commission, I think) is no exception.

Cliff Chiang – Felicia Book

Ian: Cliff Chiang’s variant cover for American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest No. 1 is the kind of thing that gets fanboys in a lot of trouble. Generally I steer clear of variants, but this is the kind of image that’ll send a man trolling eBay like he’s Nuv in a tranny shop, and spending more money than he should. And it doesn’t help that vampire hunter Felicia Book is possibly the best character in the whole series.

Cliff Chiang – The DC Runaways

Nuv: “Hello Daddy, Hello Mom!” Cliff reimagines some of DC’s super heroines as the teen-rebel girl group, The Runaways. Also rad? He gets to draw one of them (Wonder Woman) monthly in her ongoing series. It’s less 70s, but no less bad-ass. Cherry!

Rafael Albuquerque – American Vampire 1955

Nuv: The first Rafael on this list, but not the last! Albuquerque’s been a BEAST on AV from day one, but my love of the 1950s made these two covers grab a stake and carve a special place in my heart. Stay gold, Rafael, stay gold.

Darwyn Cooke – Sue Storm

Ian: It probably took Darwyn Cooke less than five minutes to complete this convention sketch, but if he had one, I’d probably give Nuv’s left nut to own it. So that’s how THAT goes.

Francis Manapul – Wonder Woman

Ian: I already wish Manapul was on a book that I cared about and this image just makes it all the worse. As much as I love his art on The Flash, I care about the character about as much as I care about Nuv (not at all) and I’d much rather see him working on something else. For example, how does a guy draw a Wonder Woman pin-up THIS AMAZING and not get handed that book outright?

Nuv: Uhh, ’cause Cliff Chiang’s already killing it on that book. And ’cause Flash is consistently amazing with Manapul at the helm. I think the real question is: how do some people look directly at you without puking outright?!

Ian: Spoken like a true dickhead, Nuv. Touché.

Dustin Harbin – Tyrannosaurus Bats!

Nuv: I purchased Harbin’s “Behold! The Dinosaurs!” for my daughter’s bedroom, and this is the first print that’s gonna go up on my next kid’s wall. Harbin’s art gives me the same feeling I used to get reading Calvin & Hobbes. Spiff!

Andrew Hou – Wolverine

Nuv: Shee-it, we got mo’ dinosaurs than a MU’FUCKER ’round here, pa’tner! This shit is crack to anyone who used to be a 5 year old boy. And choosing to just show the before and after, leaving the actual battle to the imagination? Well played, Andrew!

Henrik Sahlstrom – Lobster Johnson

Ian: Who in the hell is Henrik Sahlstrom? I don’t know either but I hope he makes the CEO’s from Marvel, DC, Dark Horse and Image fist-fight each other to secure his services.

JC Richard – Fortress of Solitude

Nuv: A classy widescreen presentation of Superman’s home in the North Pole, with a barely perceptible red, blue and yellow streak flying off in the upper right corner. Fool them adult motherfuckers with this tasteful, minimalist painting, a grown-up way to display your childish tastes.

Ian: Your mom’s a widescreen presentation.

Jock – Hanna Promo Posters

Ian: I’ve never been very impressed with Jock as an interior artist, but his covers are consistently amazing and so, it would seem, is his corporate ad-work. I loved the movie Hanna, and when I saw that Jock had done a series of Hanna-inspired promo posters, well, like I wish Nuv would do next time he’s near a window, I flipped right out. Great stuff!

Nuv: Nobody’s ever been very impressed with Ian’s jock.

Dan McDaid – Michael Jackson

Nuv: The funk of forty thousand years, bitches! I did a fuckin’ high kick just like Michael when I first laid eyes on this pop masterpiece. (Too bad Ian wasn’t standing in for the other lead in this piece.) McDaid is the correct answer to the question “Who’s Bad?!”

Eric Canete – Luke Cage

Nuv: Sweet Christmas! Ian lost a bet and had to be nice to me for a week. It happened to be a week where he would be attending a comic convention that the inimitable Eric Canete was also attending. BOOM: signed print of Luke Cage fighting three tigers like a BOSS. Paid for by Ian. Enjoyed by Nuv.

Phil Noto – Jean Grey

Ian: Phil Noto is a modern great. Every comic book cover (and interior) he does is extraordinary and I’d honestly buy just about anything he put pencil to. He also maintains two awesome Tumblr pages (1 and 2) where he regularly posts new images that will inspire you to either a) become a better artist or b) quit drawing forever. Why? Because Phil Noto is the king.

Phil Noto – Super(Mad)Man

Nuv: Noto does indeed wield his pencil with an iron fist. I’ve always dug this pic, portraying Mad Men’s Jon Hamm as a commanding, stern-but-just Man of Steel. Anyone who’s heard this dream casting call (including Noto, apparently) agrees that it’s a perfect fit. Like Ian’s mouth and peens.

Ian: And like Nuv’s neck and a noose.

Sam Wolfe Connelly – Nightcrawler

Ian: Sam Wolfe Connelly has a style that will immediately remind you of James Jean and Joao Ruas. You guys, I’m talking about gorgeous graphite and digital colour works! He also has a habit of using Marvel characters as his subjects, which pretty much makes him a genius. Love this Nightcrawler? I knew you would! For more examples, check out his Captain America and Wolverine pieces! Holy smokes!

Rafael Grampa – Batman

Ian: Rafael #2! His last name is fuckin’ GRAMPA! And like most Grampas everything he does is tougher than anything you’ll EVER do. Now get off his damn lawn! Damn kids.

Kagan McLeod – The History of Hip Hop

Nuv: Kagan not only put together the tome of amazingness that is infinite Kung Fu, he not only illustrated a flyer for the Toronto Ghostface Killer show last year that belongs in a fucking museum, he not only seduced your woman with his pen and slapped your little brother with his deadly art hand, he also constructed THE GREATEST POSTER OF ALL TIME! The History of Hip Hop is exactly that: edutainment in the form of the headshots of 469 (!!!) rap icons on one side, facts and recommended listening for every one of ‘em on the reverse, and supreme quality to match the sheer quantity. It ACTUALLY might be bigger than Hip Hop, word to Dead Prez! Kagan was nice enough to sell me a few (so I could frame both sides) AND he even threw in a few extra for YOU crumbs, just ’cause he’s Nicer than Pete! You want one? Here’s how…

All you gotta do is comment below with your own hip hop history. Tell us who the first rapper you remember hearing was, and the one song of theirs you recommend. The first three mofos to do so, WIN THE POSTER FREE OF CHARGE*. Ready, set, SKIP IAN’S PARAGRAPH!
*shipping not included

Ian: Well that’s it for now! But don’t worry folks, my folder of awesome comic book art is huge and my predilection for not writing real articles in a timely manner will ensure that we’ll have plenty more art shows as the year goes on. Think of it as the Review 2 a Kill equivalent of a sitcom clip-show. Except, you know, not sucky to the max.

Put two in the air!

– Ian

Here’s a bunch of stuff I thought was pretty swell in 2011!

Best Writer – Scott Snyder (American Vampire, Batman, Severed, Swamp Thing)

It would be impossible for this category to go to anyone other than Scott Snyder. Over the course of the year he kept his American Vampire series fresh and engaging, dragged Swamp Thing from the depths and made him awesome again, wrote hands-down the best Batman book of the relaunch (and, in my opinion, the best Batman book ever written) and still found time to pen a seven-issue horror series called Severed. 2011 was Scott Snyder’s year and I can’t wait to read more of his great stuff in 2012.

Best Interior Artist – Stuart Immonen (Fear Itself)

Both Marvel and DC published some great looking books this year, but as far as WOW! factor goes, you just can’t beat Stuart Immonen’s seven-issue run on Matt Fraction’s Fear Itself event. Everyone who knows me knows I don’t generally go in for the big events, but this one really grabbed me and I’m sure most of the reason it did was thanks to Immonen’s knack for drawing jaw-dropping fight scenes. I literally had to slow myself down as I read these books because I was so stoked to turn the page and see what was coming next. Immonen is the man, and I’ll read anything he draws.

Best Colourist – Francesco Francavilla (Black Panther, Detective Comics)

Whenever you see a “Best Colourist” category, you almost always see Dave Stewart as the winner. Sorry Dave, not this time! Anyone who’s picked up a copy of Black Panther or Detective Comics in the last twelve months will instantly recognize Francesco Francavilla’s flashy use of colour. ESPECIALLY those deep reds and oranges. Don’t get me wrong, Dave Stewart is a perfect colourist, but Francavilla is a flamboyant colourist. On anyone else’s brush his colours simply wouldn’t work, but somehow he makes them look incredible on every page. Francavilla! Winner!

Best Inker – Jonathan Glapion (Batman)

Greg Capullo is doing an incredible job of pencilling DC’s flagship Batman title. Everyone knows that! But I don’t think enough credit is being given to his inker Jonathan Glapion. There’s a reason that book looks so great, and it’s almost entirely the way Glapion sets the mood with those deep, heavy blacks. I can’t remember another inker having such a careful hand with darkness and shadow since Mike Mignola and to be perfectly honest, Glapion might be better than Mignola. Yeah that’s right! I said it!

Best New Kid on the Block – Mahmud A. Asrar (Supergirl)

The biggest surprise coming out of the DC relaunch, for me, was Mahmud Asrar’s Supergirl art. I originally added this book to the pull-list for that kid Venus Toshiba, but after reading the first couple of pages, oh man, I just wasn’t ready for the jealousy. Asrar isn’t technically a new kid, having set foot in Image’s door back in 2007, but he’s made a real name for himself at DC in 2012 by producing one of the best looking books of the relaunch. Think Tim Sale-meets-Francis Manapul and you’re in the right ballpark. Amazing stuff that may prove detrimental to my marriage.

Best Cover – Adam Hughes (Batgirl No. 4)

This was a close call and could just as easily been Joao Ruas‘ beautiful piece for Fables #107. But instead I chose this cover because more than any other piece of art this year, Adam Hughes‘ Batgirl #4 cover embodied the bold spirit of everything DC Comics got right this year. Rebooting their entire line of comics back to #1, reinventing each and every hero (at the expense of alienating crusty old fanboys) and making their comics accessible to all new readers for the first time in decades took some balls. This cover doesn’t just depict Barbara Gordon(!) kicking the Mirror’s face right in. No, this cover visually represents DC Comics kicking their naysayer’s faces right in.

Best Single Issue – Hellboy: The Fury #3 (Dark Horse)

Hellboy died! For real! Wow! And what a beautifully written and illustrated end it was. Fulfilling his own destiny, Hellboy fights and destroys Nimue the dragon Queen of Blood at Ragna Rok, but has his heart removed and taken down to Hell by her spirit. There has never been a more brilliant or pitch-perfect end to a character in the history of comic books as Mike Mignola once again brings the medium to an all-new level. Duncan Fegredo, who for years now has been his brilliant apprentice, turns in the best pages since his astonishing debut on the title in 2007. This comic was hands-down the best single book released in 2011.

Best Continuing Series – The Mighty Thor (Marvel)

I love this book! It started off great under the team of Matt Fraction and Olivier Coipel, and it continues being great under Fraction and the (newly returned) Pasqual Ferry. Like it was for a lot of people, 2012 was the year I became a Thor fan and with great writing like this it’s no wonder. Who knew my buddy Jason Copland could be so right about one thing and be so wrong about another?

Best Limited Series – American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest (Vertigo / DC)

I’m the kind of sucker that will always buy a spin-off of a comic I like, despite the fact that they’re almost always shoddily-written with B-list art. Well I guess nobody told Scott Snyder the way these things are supposed to work, because that kid sat down and wrote the best five-issue mini-series I’ve ever read. Right from the Felicia Book opening dream sequence (Yowza!) to the giant vampire / sunlight raygun nazi kill-a-thon, this book is one hell of a good time. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that Sean Murphy absolutely DESTROYS THE DC UNIVERSE when it comes to drawing the kinds of things that make eyes worth having. This series, start-to-finish was an absolute win.

Best Collection – Batman: The Black Mirror (DC)

Being the type who tries to collect everything in single issues, I only placed one new graphic novel on my bookshelf this year. But that one book was a real hum-dinger! For Christmas my folks bought me the collected Batman: The Black Mirror Ultimate Boner Edition (UBE) hardcover. I’m not gonna lie to you folks, I totally blew it when it came to picking this up when it ran for almost an entire year. Every month Detective Comics would come out and every month I’d look at it and think “I should be reading this book.” Well it turns out I was right the whole time. Snyder, Jock and Francavilla (aka the DC Holy Trinity) are the only ingredients you need for the tastiest collection of the year.

Biggest Character Comeback – Aquaman (DC)

Never.
In my life.
Did I ever.
Ever think I’d ever buy (let alone enjoy) an Aquaman comic book. Everyone knows Aquaman is a goof. Even kids don’t like Aquaman. And I never understood the appeal of Geoff Johns either. I always thought Johns was the kind of guy who wrote comics for the old-school fanboys. For the guys who’d been reading the book for thirty years and knew all the subtle references I was sure I wasn’t getting. So what does Johns do? He celebrates DC’s New 52 relaunch by relaunching the most inaccessible character of all time and making him AWESOME?! By writing an awful character so well that the first issue is currently flipping on eBay for FIFTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Well played Johns. Well played.

Best Kung Fu – Shang-Chi (Marvel)

Well, the suits at Marvel seem determined to ruin Iron Fist completely (White and gold? Really? Like the original costume wasn’t wack enough?), but at least writers and artists are still flying Shang-Chi under the radar and keeping him cool. This summer’s Spider Island (non-) event was kind of ho-hum, but the three issue Deadly Hands of Kung Fu spin-off featuring Shang Chi and the Bride of Nine Spiders was awesome sauce! Sebastian Fiumara’s art was moody and creepy and at the same time kicky and punchy. What more could anyone ask for? I guess Secret Avengers #18. Speaking of which…

Best Series I Shouldn’t Have Cancelled – Secret Avengers (Marvel)

I started collecting Secret Avengers during the big Avengers re-launch of 2010 but it was one of the books that got culled due to it’s inherent meh-ness and my newfound spirit of financial prudency (I was broke). But lo and behold! The last five issues have been an absolute gold mine of awesome storytelling thanks to Warren Ellis and incredible art courtesy of Jamie McKelvie, Kev Walker, David Aja, Michael Lark and Alex Maleev respectively. I don’t know why Marvel would put such a great roster of talent on this book and leave the main Avengers title to that no-talent hack, but it doesn’t really matter. I should have kept buying this book in 2011.

Biggest Surprise of the Year – Avenging Spider-Man (Marvel)

Everyone hits that point with a superhero where they say “I’ve read every possible story I’d ever need to read with this character, so I quit forever.” For me, that was Spider-Man. I could only read so many stories about Peter, Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy, poor dead Uncle Ben and dear old Aunt May before I finally said “Enough is enough. No more Spider-Man comics.” And then comes Zeb Wells and Joe Madureira in 2011 with a new title called Avenging Spider-Man and there I go, reaching for my wallet to buy my first Spider-Man comic book in over a decade. What can I say? It’s probably the best book Marvel released all year, in terms of pure F-U-N. Exciting, dynamic art backed up with snappy and often hilarous writing. Avenging Spider-Man is the essence of what the character should be, with none of the sappy navel-gazing.

And that’s it! My Best-Of article for 2011! Maybe one day you’ll get Nuv’s list if they ever find where I buried his body and implant the sum of his knowledge and consciousness into a Commodore 64. But he’d probably just say he liked some bull-crap comics like Daken: Dark Wolverine or X-Force. WHATEVER!

Put one in the air!

– Ian

The Marvelous Land of Oz & Ozma of Oz by Eric Shanower and Skottie Young

I tend to veer away from children’s comics (and children in general) unless there’s something in it for me. I really enjoyed Thor: The Mighty Avenger because of Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee, and because it was well written for people of all ages, and beautifully illustrated. Same goes for Shanower and Young’s adaptations of L. Frank Baum’s Oz series. There aren’t a lot of collections out there that I consider perfect, but 2009’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz is just that. Whimsical, clever, scary, adorable and perfect. So Santa, if you’re listening, I’ll take the next two in hardcover please!

Batman: The Black Mirror by Scott Snyder, Jock and Francesco Francavilla

Way back in November of 2010, Scott Snyder and Jock kicked off their highly praised 10-issue run on Detective comics. Every month a new issue would come out and every month I’d think to myself “I should be buying this book.” Well, woulda-coulda-shoulda but ultimately didn’t. Fast forward to now where I’ve got this ridiculous man-crush on Snyder thanks to his current Batman run and now I want to read every Batman book he’s ever written. Luckily DC has released a very nice hardcover compilation of Snyder’s run called Batman: The Black Mirror and it’s at the very top of my Christmas list. In fact, I’d say I want it even more than Nuv wants that Baywatch Mitch Buchannon 12″ David Hasselhoff doll.

Richard Stark’s Parker: The Martini Edition by Darwyn Cooke

If you love Darwyn Cooke so much, why don’t you marry him? Well maybe I would have if Marsha hadn’t beaten me to the punch all those years ago! REGARDLESS, I have the first two Parker books on my bookshelf already (The Hunter and The Outfit) but that doesn’t stop me from wanting the oversized slipcover collection sittin’ up proud on my shelf beside my oversized slipcover of DC: The New Frontier. I’ve been good all year, fat man!

Beasts of Burden by Evan Dorkin and Jill Thompson

Sure Dorkin used to get a stocking full of coal every year for his half-assed attempts at porn comics and his perpetually shit-talkin’ Milk and Cheese comics, but lately I’ll bet he’s been getting some nice schwag. Why? Because he teamed up with Jill Thompson and they created the cutest series ever! Brave puppies who investigate paranormal phenomenon! Could you just die?! I first read a Beasts of Burden story when they teamed up with Hellboy in a Dark Horse one-shot last year. Now I want to read all of their awesome adventures!

Supermarket by Brian Wood and Kristian Donaldson

I’ve never read this book by Wood and Donaldson, but I’ve loved everything else they’ve ever done together, so why not this? Also, I’m over-the-moon with the announcement of their newest collaboration The Massive, so I really want to play catch-up and check out Supermarket before the first of The Massive prequels hit in Dark Horse Presents #8.  Brian Wood, you’re the greatest and may the executives at DC / Vertigo receive a great big box of JACK SQUAT for Christmas for cancelling Northlanders and showing you the door. We’ll show ‘em Bri.  We’ll show ‘em.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill

I’m pretty much in the same boat as anyone who thinks Alan Moore has lost it completely. I mean Jesus the Birthday Boy, what a grumpy old curmudgeon. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t write some great comic books back in the day. I’ve read the first two League of Extraordinary Gentlemen graphic novels half a dozen times and despite the fact that they’re a couple of my favourite books of all time, I’ve still never owned my own copies. That needs to be rectified! This Christmas! Anyone?!

Anyhoo, that’s my list! Until next time friends!

– Ian

Santa Claus image courtesy of the ridiculously talented Robb Mommaerts

ANYWAY, I think I’ll take a week and think about the new stuff I’d like to see on my bookshelf before the end of the year and get back to you folks next week. As for THIS WEEK, I’m going to help you guys out. You know how you always end up getting a novelty scarf or some other dumb shit because somebody asked you what you wanted under the tree and you blanked hard? Well forget that! Here’s a quick summary of books you should ask for. Print it out! Keep it in your front pants pocket!

Bat-Manga! by Chip Kidd

I know I’ve said a thousand times that I can’t stand manga or the people who like it. So what is this yuletide hypocrisy?! Well, for those that ain’t hip, Bat-Manga! is a rad-ass compilation of late-1960’s Batman stories FROM JAPAN! They’re totally awesome! The creator Jiro Kuwata basically decided that Batman’s rogue’s gallery wouldn’t fly with Japanese audiences, so he made up a bunch of bat-shit crazy new villains for him to fight. You get to see Robin say stuff like “Lord Death Man came back to life using secret yoga tricks…” and the margins have awesome facts like “At the turn of the Meiji Era, all kinds of watermelons were brought in from America, and their prices dropped because they became so abundant.” I guess these were included to make comics seem more educational to parents and teachers? Even the art is unique and not the derivative crap you see in every single manga book everywhere now. AMAZING!

Batman: Ego by Darwyn Cooke

This just wouldn’t be an Explosivo list if it didn’t feature at least one Darwyn Cooke book. Not many people own Batman: Ego and that’s a serious problem. Wanna know why Cooke intends to spend years drawing a comic about Parker, a character no one under 50 cares about? Because he’s just not getting enough love for his superhero comics. Like Nuv’s claims of heterosexuality, that last fact probably isn’t true. What is true is that Batman: Ego is an amazing little compilation of Cooke’s Batman / Catwoman work which also features a story he wrote that Tim Sale illustrated! The book also happens to feature one of my favourite Caped Crusader minis of all time: Deja Vu.

I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets! by Fletcher Hanks

Speaking of effed up old comics, you’d have to search long and hard for a weirder book than Fletcher Hanks’ I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets. In the early days of comic strips, Hanks created a whole pack of bizarre heroes like Stardust, Big Red and Fantomah and turned them loose on the cowards, Nuvs and crooks of the world. The capers are preposterous for sure, but it’s the punishments doled out by the heroes that are truly outrageous. People get their heads thrown into space, some get locked in a cave with cobras, others are turned into people-sicles and melted to death. Strange stuff from the frontiers of comics and definitely worth owning, if only to weird out your friends.

Mouse Guard: Fall 1152 and Winter 1152 by David Petersen

Not to be confused with The Mice Templar, which is a rip-off of Mouse Guard, which is a rip-off of Redwall whose author, Brian Jacques is himself a huge rip-off of Patrick Stewart. You can always find David Petersen’s first two hardcover collections on Amazon for a great price, and that’s what you should tell the people who are buying you presents in order to make them do your bidding. This comic series is awesome and features brave (and adorable!) mice doing awesome stuff like fighting owls and trying not to starve/freeze to death. It’s super sweet and Petersen is a great artist, even if he’s a jerk to people who try to chat with him at airports.

Wednesday Comics by Everyone!

Wednesday Comics was one of the best ideas DC ever had. A weekly newspaper-strip style comic that featured the who’s who of writers and artists working on the who’s who of characters. The only thing that was kinda wack was the fragile newspaper format, but that was also a big part of the charm. But then guess what? The good folks at DC compiled all 12 issues into a super-oversized hardcover collection that really showcases the great art and vibrant colours that kinda got muddied down on the newsprint. Anyway, Hawkman fighting a T-Rex is enough to make the book worthwhile by itself. Make other people buy this for you!

So yes, it’s a short list but it’s dynamite! Basically my ultimate goal for you is to make your graphic novel shelf look as awesome as mine. Forcing your loved ones to buy you these books is a great start.

Until next week chums!

– Ian

Seven Warriors review OVER!

Rolling on the Marvel train, have you had a chance to check out Daredevil yet? The fifth issue just came out with Marcos Martin taking over the pencilling duties and you know what? IT’S STILL THE BEST COMIC MARVEL IS PUTTING OUT. You almost can’t tell the difference between Paolo Rivera and Marcos Martin’s styles and that’s a very good thing indeed. The issue has a bit of romance (way to go Foggy Nelson!) and a whole lot of action (way to go Foggy Nelson!) You know, people always accuse Daredevil of being a half-assed Batman rip-off, but you know what? Your face is a half-assed Batman rip-off.

Let’s talk about more Marvel stuff! Captain America and Bucky #623, y’all! Sure, I only started picking up this book because Chris Samnee was drawing it, but if he and Ed Brubaker aren’t immediately handed Eisner awards for this issue I don’t know what. This issue finds Bucky leading a rescue mission into what he soon finds out is a Nazi concentration camp and I don’t know if Brubaker was reading a bunch of Art Speigelman’s stuff before he wrote this one, but man, is it heavy. Much more serious than anything I’ve ever read by Bru in the past (and I’ve read almost everything). And Samnee, who usually brings a sense of light-hearteness to everything he draws, really brings the horror of the Holocaust home. Despite the tone and the subject matter though, the issue isn’t miserable to read, and it’s probably the best pencil work of Samnee’s career. Altogether, one of those comic book surprises that makes picking up new titles so rewarding.

Oh, and speaking of the “best comic book a publisher is putting out” anyone heard about this DC comic book called Batman written by Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo? Well the kids at R2AK lost our collective shit after the first issue came out and babies, I’m here to tell you that the second issue is every bit as perfect as the first. If I had to drop every comic book except for one, Batman would be the winner. Simple as that. Go buy it! Please! I’m begging you to do yourself a favour and go buy the first two books right now! I mean jeez, issue two features Batman ripping around on the Batcycle (on top of a frickin’ TRAIN) playing chicken with a frickin’ helicopter. YES! YES! AND YES!

Now, not to take a turn to negative-town, but I was SO ON-BOARD with Voodoo until the last panel of the second issue. What the shit DC?

And to wrap it up on a Marvel note, did you guys happen to check out the first issue of Wolverine and the X-Men? Now, y’all know I personally didn’t care for the Schism event, but I was always excited about the aftermath. Well this comic delivers in a great big way! First off, of the two titles (Uncanny X-Men #1 being the other) this one landed the best writer – Jason Aaron – and BY FAR the best artist – Chris Bachalo. Also, the best assembled team. Seriously, not to disparage the “other half” of X-Fandom, but who would choose Uncanny over Wolverine and the X-Men? Nobody. It’s an extra-sized issue that follows Headmaster Logan(!) and Headmistress Kitty Pryde as they lead a couple of inspectors on a disastrous tour through the newly-built Jean Grey School for Higher Learning. Calamity central! What a fun issue. I can’t wait to read more of this!

And that’s it for the news! I was away last week receiving the Pulitzer Prize for awesome comic-book journalism, and while I was gone you guys were left to suffer through an article consisting of a grown man’s obsession with Prince(?!) and a run-down of the questionable-at-best rappers coming to town. Yeesh… But don’t you worry kids! Daddy’s back and it’s allllllllllll gonna be okaaaaay.

– Ian

So Live Nation sez to me “Hey Nuv. Guess who’s coming to town.” And I’m like “Who?” And they’re like “Prince.” And I’m like “Uhhhh…” for like three hours until my throat fell out. They patiently waited while I disposed of the leftovers of my new throat in a bathtub of ice and even assisted while I performed self-surgery so I could finish my thought: “…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (And THAT, in case you didn’t know, is what it looks like when you type what it sounds like when doves cry.)

I’m typing this in fingerless gloves fashioned from a golden brassiere right now just to get the word out to you melonfarmers (TV edit for m*****f******. Prince don’t swear no mo’. Respect royalty, motherfathers!) so’s ya don’t miss out on a for real, 100% legit, bona fide once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a living legend of live performance Hendrix the holy h*** outta some guitars, falsetto the f*** outta some mics and purple the s*** outta some rain! When MJ died I decided: any acts that are MUST-SEE can’t be left to see “next time.” There might not be one. Conclusion? When opportunity knocks let that b**** in and party like it’s… well, you know.

PS, Live Nation: When you told me my favourite artist of all time was coming to town? What I meant to say was “HOLY F***** S***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Don’t Throw Rocks…
Jay-Z and Kanye West: Watch The Throne Tour
Rogers Arena • Sat Dec 17 & Sun Dec 18 • Buy Tix Online Here

Don’t sit alone at home watchin’ your bone. Accept Live Nation’s cordial invitation to come to Rogers Arena Dec 17 and Watch The Throne go hard as motherfucker! All the cool kids are doin’ it!

In About Two Weeks A Teacher Will Begin To Speak…
KRS-One @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 15
Tix available @ Beat Street, Highlife, Dipt, Zulu, Red Cat & Online Here

The Blastmaster brings the boom bap to Fortune Sound Club. If you attend this show (Nov 15) you will physically transform into hip hop! It might manifest in the form of dreads, or it might make you slap a fat dude in a moo moo off stage and take his mic. Either or…

“But, but, but, but wait it gets worse!!”
Onyx @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 22
Tix @ Underworld, Dipt, Zulu & Online Here

HoldDaFucUp!! Not ONLY did these motherfuckers have a track called Blac Vagina Finda. Not ONLY did they pen Slam, one of the all-time great hip hop anthems. Not ONLY did they make calling someone Sticky Fingaz a compliment rather than something your mom busted you with once in Grade 9. They ALSO up and made my day when they announced they’d unleash that unholy, inimitable rasp on the greatest speakers of forever-ness at Fortune! If you come to the show, they’ll make yours too. Dun-duh-nuh! Dun-duh-nuh!

‘The Avengers’ Assemble

All of Marvel’s big guns come together and compete with the Dark Knight himself for the right to cinematically bukake next summer. Downey Jr. has the line of the trailer on two separate occasions! Here’s a sneak peek pervs:

‘Chronicle’

Friday Night Lights‘ last QB stars in this “found footage” style film about some punk-ass teens getting kick-ass superpowers. Shades of Akira (which is never a bad thing) but the presentation makes it all feel unique.

The 2011 BET Cyphers

I’m not huge on awards shows, but BET’s changing that with their Cyphers. All the good things about rap in one place. The first vid is the best. Yelawolf is siiiiick and Royce kills it too (”Hi Rihanna”), but the Cypher is unsurprisingly owned by the head honcho of Shady Records. Eminem already murdered the alphabet. Last year he pissed on it’s grave. Now he’s just desecrating it’s corpse. Absolutely bananas! (Make sure you watch to the end for him.) The second one is solid as well, with top-notch showings from Big K.R.I.T., Machine Gun Kelly, Kendrick Lamar and B.o.B. in beast mode. (Oh yeah: old ass Tech Nine is there too.) And the last verse on the third video (courtesy of Skillz) is nutso mango! “Y’all never came in like Jay-Z’s moustache”?! SHITDAMN!!

Shady 2.0

Indie Meets Mainstream

Skillz

Community: Remedial Chaos Theory

Anybody that’s not on board with Community yet, you’re missing one of the most consistently hilarious and creative shows on television. Don’t be a jerk to yourself. It’s a weekly dose of smart comedy, packed to the brim with pop culture references, homages to great movies, meta-commentary on the characters, (like talking about Shirley being the least popular of them in episode, a way to acknowledge and comment on the fact that she’s also the least popular character in real life among fans) and all-around mega-awesome-ness. Oh, and the naked, tiny-genital’d Chinese trunk-dude from The Hangover is all up in this motherfucker too. Anyway, if you’re one of those mooks that’s still on the fence: BAM! Here’s one of the smartest, and funniest, episodes yet, divided by “chapter.” Watch it in order. The way it builds to the madness of “Timeline Five: Troy” is masterful. (Or, short attention span suckas, just skip straight to “Timeline Five.” Even out of context it’s the best shit EVER!) If you don’t like this, you won’t like the series. And I won’t like you. And you should be ashamed of yourself. Dick.

Timeline One: Annie

Timeline Two: Shirley

Timeline Three: Pierce

Timeline Four: Britta

Timeline Five: Troy

Timeline Six: Abed

The Prime Timeline: Jeff

Epilogue: Return To Troy’s Timeline

Batman: Arkham City

The first installment in this video game franchise (Arkham Asylum) is not only the best super-hero game ever, but one of the best games ever PERIOD! From what I’ve heard, the second one pulls a ‘The Dark Knight’ and tops it. Someone buy me this shit on the PS3 now and shit!!

Batman: Year One

Stupid family. All, takin’ up my time loving me and shit. Don’t you know I gots to watch this mu’fucker right here?!

Everybody Was Kung Fu Blah Blah

You guys HAVE to read Wolverine #17. I won’t spoil it, but if the line “Is it true that Kung Fu-related deaths are already up by 200% over last year?” doesn’t interest you, you’re shittier than the dickhead adult from Footloose! It’s mo’ fun than a motherfucker! Jason Aaron’s beard wields dark magics that grant him savage writing abilities. With Hulk, Wolverine & The X-Men, Wolverine and PunisherMax… fuck, other than Uncanny X-Force & Daredevil my entire Marvel pull list consists of Jason Aaron-written titles. Anyways, Wolverine #17: Cop that shit and get caught up before next issue. Fat Cobra!

Oh, and if you like that, you’ll love this too: Secret Avengers #18 starring Bruce Lee Shang Chi and illustrated by (no stranger to Kung Fu-related deaths) David Aja. Hi-yaaaa!!

The Dark Arts of Andrea Sorrentino

[Said in my best Homer Simpson "yell-whisper" while motioning with my thumb] Check out this motherfucker! BONKERS!!!

Shamone! by Dan McDaid

“This is the best thing your eyes will ever see…” is a line usually followed by the unveiling of my peen. Here’s the second best thing!

Yo, Milk! Cheese! M.O.P.! Play me out…

– Nuv

These are the new additions to my monthly pulls. Enjoy suckas!

Batman

There’s nothing certain in life but death and taxes. And the fact that Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo’s Batman is the crown-jewel of DC’s entire re-launch. And the fact that as long as Nuv lives, local EMS crews will be responding and removing objects wedged in his anus.

Wonder Woman

I’ve never really cared about Wonder Woman, aside from her role as “Most Smoochable Member of the Justice League”, but this book is amazing and I’m really looking forward to reading it every month. Side note: Nuv’s MSMJL is Superman’s red underpants. Overpants? Anyways, they’re gone! GET OVER IT NUV.

Aquaman

He’s a space fish with a heart of gold. Sometimes vans get flipped over! Where one stands at the shore, two stand because MERA! In summation, I’m buying this book but I’m NOT PROUD OF IT.

Batgirl

I’m not pulling it, Venus is! But you know what? I like it too. Babs has been in that wheelchair LONG ENOUGH I tells ya. That Limey kook Alan Moore shot her like, forever ago? Hello? Anyway, she’s crime fighting again (with 100% more running and kicking!) and I’m down like James Brown.

Swamp Thing

It’s funny how Scott Snyder made Swamp Thing (a character NO ONE cared about since Alan Moore was sane) one of the big hits of the new DC universe. Choose your own dis!

If you choose “You want funny? No one has EVER cared about Nuv!” go to page 231.

If you choose “I’d like to see Nuv get a ‘big hit’ from a Greyhound bus!” go to page 74.

The Flash

Let’s face it, this comic could be called Manapul Monthly and feature homeless people converting shopping carts into makeshift Canada geese barbeques and it would sell just as many copies. Sheeeee-IT! I’d even read a mother flippin’ SUPERMAN comic if Francis Manapul was drawing it.

Demon Knights

If I hadn’t agreed to read all 52 #1’s, there is no way I would have given this book the time of day. If it was like “Pardon me, can you tell me what time…” I’d be like “Go fuck yerself Demon Knights!” Anyway, as it turns out I found a Justice of the Peace willing to perform the ceremony and now the first two issues and I are GETTING MARRIED next SUNDAY at the Unitarian Church!

Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E.

Alberto Ponticelli’s art reminds me of a shakier (but not sloppy!) Sean Phillips and Jeff Lemire is rightfully gaining popularity for his creepy-cool stories. The second issue is even better than the first and you know what? Nuv Takhar will personally pay each of our readers $20 if Lemire and Ponticelli aren’t co-CEOs of DC comics by the tenth issue.

Supergirl

I brought this one home only to have it snatched from my hands by the lovely and thieving Venus Toshiba. So we’re pulling this one alright, although I have to wait my turn to read it. Sad story, you guys! Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that Mahmud Asrar’s art is a gorgeous cross between Tim Sale and Francis Manapul.

Batwoman

Everyone knew J.H. Williams the THREE was gonna bring his A-game since before this book became his baby. Hell, even I knew that and I can’t stand babies! Also, the second issue has amazing fight scenes with cutaway x-ray panels showing fist-and-foot-fractured bones. AMAZING!

Animal Man

This comic is like this column. You can’t have a good thing (me) without something gross (Nuv). I didn’t really want to pull Animal Man because I don’t like the art very much, but the story is gonna smash into Swamp Thing in a great big way and I don’t want to be stuck with half a story. Meh!

Justice League

My therapist says I can’t stay mad at Jim Lee forever over the FIASCO OF LATENESS known as All-Star Batman and Robin. He also said I couldn’t set his desk on fire and peel out of the parking lot hoisting the middle finger while cranking Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway. Ka-pow! INCORRECT ON ALL COUNTS! Anyhoo, Justice League is pretty sweet and there are only two members so far.

Also, technically, this book is the first of the New 52 to be late. Yeesh…

Anyway, that’s it for my 12-issue subscription additions! How am I funding it all, you might ask? Well Nuv has hipped me to opportunities in the booming after-hours bathhouse masseur industry, so that’s always an option. Also, the guys at my local comic shop (THE CONNECTION REPRESENT!) have an amazing discount system for regular customers. Also, I dumped a bunch of Marvel comics.

HOLY SHIT WHAT?! More on that next week?!

– Ian

August 31st: the first title hits, and The Big Two once again “invited” Mark (at gunpoint) to join them, this time in reading and reviewing ALL 52 #1s! Comics (and Mark) were never the same…

WEEK 1

Justice League #1 by Geoff Johns and Jim Lee

Mark: I have to admit, I was underwhelmed by this issue. It’s not that it was bad, or that there was anything particularly wrong with it… I just wanted more Justice League and less of the Green Lantern and Batman issue of Brave and the Bold. It looked beautiful. The story is perfectly fine. I’ll get the second issue, but I’m not super pumped about this book right off the bat.

Nuv: …and: scene! OK, first of all fuck everything he just said. Anyone who doesn’t like this issue? It’s because they built up their expectations to unrealistic levels and placed the pressure of justifying this whole reboot on it’s shoulders. Taken on it’s own: it’s the shit! Jim Lee (barring an odd sequence that makes me think he’s never watched a game of football in his life) fires on all cylinders here and Geoff Johns crafts a clever, accessible script that nevertheless never dumbs it down for the old readers and moves at a brisk clip. Their Batman is always one step ahead. Jim’s display of Green Lantern’s powers is imaginative and appropriately flashy, while Johns gives him the line of the issue (“You can’t fly so how else were we going to get here? Talk in a deep voice?”) And the entrance of “This Ain’t Your Daddy’s” Superman steals the whole show away from them both. I still don’t like the costume redesign, but Lee even almost makes that look good. We don’t meet the whole team right away, but we will. Does this issue re-invent the wheel? No. Does it throw 20s on that motherfucker and roll right over the competition? Yes. This is fun and fresh feeling despite the familiar-ish faces, and as epic as a title created by/starring DC’s biggest/best should be. A summer blockbuster with charismatic leads, sharp dialogue and crisp direction. If you dig down and honestly don’t like this, you don’t like comics.

Ian: This book was a lot of fun. The only way in the world I’d ever read a Justice League book is if it went right back to the beginning, and that’s exactly what you get here. The heroes don’t know each other and on first meeting don’t even like each other. Just like Nuv and I! Except we STILL don’t like each other.

Mark: Can’t say I blame either of you…

WEEK 2

Action Comics #1 by Grant Morrison and Rags Morales

Ian: Kind of a dumb story and bad art. What? The art is atrocious. The scene where Clark is talking to his meth addict (?) landlady is especially creepy considering Rags Morales drew them both with the same face! The best thing about this book is when Supes gets shot by the tank and says “GD” and all of the American Christians lost their shit over blasphemy. Jesus damn!

Mark: I have very mixed feelings about this one. The art was hit and miss, and the story wasn’t sensational… but I noticed a lot of little clues hidden throughout the story, and I am excited to see where Morrison is going with it all. Action is definitely staying on my pull list. I think I just really wanted to be blown away by this issue, but instead I just got a really good comic.

Nuv: Mark, only you could say “…instead I just got a really good comic” and have it be a bad thing. If you were a DC character you’d be Jade. Other than a few occasions of Forest Whitaker Eyes, Rags Morales’ art was exceptional. You know why? Because it embodied the title of this comic. He and Grant Morrison set out to give us a Superman (and Clark) that did not slow down or stop moving until being forced to in the final panel. After years of Moperman going on walkabouts and crying into his cape like an emo-sexual, here’s a Supes that DOES shit! So don’t believe the hype kids. I have faith in Morrison. He gave us the return to the “Big 7″ JLA in the late 90s. He gave us All-Star Superman. He gets it! And so will I, and so should you. Bitter bloggers, cult members and dickless midgets be GD’d…

Batgirl #1 by Gail Simone and Ardian Syaf

Ian: Basically the opposite of Action Comics. Great story, great art, ’nuff said. This has all the signs of a really great run and I’m glad they’re not glossing over Babs’ shooting, paralysis and recovery.

Mark: Batgirl was the second of the Week 2 releases that I read. On first reading, I enjoyed it more than Action Comics. Looking back though, I think it was actually quite dull. It was very straight forward. I really don’t like the idea of Barbara Gordon walking again brushed off so quickly as “a miracle,” and can only hope that Gail Simone goes into more detail soon. As it was, this was a very un-Simone comic. Issue 2 is a maybe.

Nuv: You are very conflicted Mark. One must exercise patience with serial entertainment. Often answers are not laid out at the beginning. One might even find that half the fun is the hunt!

Mark: So, you liked it?

Nuv: Nah. I like that they didn’t sweep The Killing Joke or her time as Oracle under the rug, and have even made it an important achilles heel going forward. I don’t like the bummy art. And I still think she served more of a purpose as Oracle. But, what do I know? Maybe wheelchair kids don’t need someone to look up to. Or across at, or whatever. Verdict? This title is okay as fuck! Almost yay!

Mark: Uhhh… what exactly was the point of arguing with me forever when you came to the same conclusion in the end?

Nuv: ‘Cause I does what the fuck I wants, son!

Batwing #1 by Judd Winick and Ben Oliver

Ian: How in the HELL did this comic end up being so great? I mean really, who saw this coming? Marvel never could pull off a proper African superhero (sorry Storm and Black Panther, but you’re lame) but Judd Winick and Ben Oliver NAIL this one. Beheadings galore!

Mark: This wasn’t awful. In fact, it might have been a better Batman comic than Detective Comics was. But, ethnic diversity aside, if I want to read a Batman comic, I’ll read Batman.

Nuv: It’s racist to not like this comic.

Ian: Yeah, bigot.

Mark: OK, first of all, why are you siding with him?! You LIKE this comic! And Nuv, you JUST told me you didn’t like this comic!

Nuv: Exactly!

Mark: So you’re racist?!

Nuv: Got that right, ya cracker-ass cracker!

Ian: White devil!

Mark: YOU’RE WHITE, JERKOFF!

Ian: Ha! You wish, Casper!

Mark: I can’t believe I’m voluntarily spending time with you idiots…

Detective Comics #1 by Tony Daniel

Ian: I didn’t intend to pick it up but it was a slow week so I thought, hey why not? And man, am I ever glad I did. Tony Daniel has set up a really creepy story with a new villain called The Dollmaker who’s all up in the Joker’s grill, cutting off people’s faces and shit. I’m in!

Mark: This book is garbage. Where Animal Man and Swamp Thing excelled in the creepy department (see tomorrow’s post), the new ‘Tec just tried too hard.

Nuv: I done told you mu’fuckers already that Tony Daniel’s a dinkbot. As much as I loathed most of this issue, I loved the last page…

…mostly because I love shock value violence and hate all faces that are not my own.

Ian: YOUR MOMS are try-hard garbage dinkbots and whatever other shit you said!

Mark: [rolls eyes] Zing. You sure showed us.

[UPDATE: Nuv read Detective Comics #2 just before this post went up, “…AND IT’S AWESOME! SERIOUSLY! I grabbed it on a whim and I’m glad I gave it a second chance. Even Mark, who also hated #1, agrees! I don’t want to spoil anything, so I’ll just say if ‘Batman meets House Of 1000 Corpses’ sounds intriguing, this one’s for you…”]

Green Arrow #1 by JT Krul and Dan Jurgens

Ian: This book is, and I’m not joking here, the worst comic book I’ve ever read. The story is stupid and what’s worse, it’s badly written. Sure, the character is idiotic to begin with (ARROWS?), but that’s no excuse for how corny this book is and how sub-par the art is.

Mark: They lost me at Q-Pads and Q-Phones. Here’s a Q-Tip for you… don’t try to take a well known corporate identity and convert it to fit into your superhero world. Bruce Wayne doesn’t run a company called Wapple. Don’t try to turn Oliver Queen into a vigilante Steve Jobs/Tim Cook. Also, the villains in this issue were ridiculous.

Nuv: Dammit, who keeps grabbing Dan Jurgens from the nineties? WE JUST PUT HIM BACK THERE, FOR FUCKSAKES!! You’re gonna fuck around and cause another Flashpoint and then Mark will murder-suicide this place. Mark (heh) my words, you!

Mark: [groan]

Hawk and Dove #1 by Sterling Gates & Rob Liefeld

Nuv: heh. heh. haha. ohhh. mu-ha-ha… (wanders around, creepily whisper-laughing to himself, clearly distraught; leaves room)

Mark: I can’t believe I actually read this book. The best commentary I’ve seen on this issue came from iFanboy, where Paul Montgomery said, “To put it simply, it feels like Hawk wrote and drew this book himself. And he isn’t qualified.”

Ian: I just don’t understand who this book is aimed at? Like, what possible demographic would want to read about Hawk & Dove? (As drawn by “No Feet” Liefeld no less! That’s a whole demographic of foot fetishists you’ve alienated RIGHT THERE numb-nuts.)

Nuv: …gah. Hoo hoo hah! jesuswhy… (in other room, slapping self about the face and chest)

Ian: What the fuck is…

Nuv: (returns dressed up like Al Pacino in Dick Tracy) NYARRR! (clears desk in fit of rage) I WANT. ROB. LIEFELD. DEEEEAAAAAAADDDDD!!!!!

Ian: Nothing of actual value to add to this?

Nuv: I could take up a whole column. Instead I’ll cite one example and summarize. Other than a “guy” whose mouth is sewn shut, 39 faces (of a possible 79) in this issue are THIS:

When everyone’s not taking a shit/doing an impression of Chuck D/Clint Eastwood (admittedly, that sounds like someone I’d wanna hang out with. If this is the result though, I’ll pass)… well, I have no end to that sentence. Everyone is ALWAYS Chuck-Clint taking a shit!

Hawk & Dove CAN be interesting. (See Justice League cartoon, where they’re voiced by Kevin & Wayne Arnold!) Liefeld can NOT. Don’t buy this! Even if your life depends on it. Just kill yourself. Trust me, it’ll be more pleasant. And anatomically correct. With less hidden feet.

– The Big Three

NEXT ISSUE: MORE #1′S WITH THE BIG THREE!
MARK (HEH) OFF YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAVE NUV-CHANNEL…

The Day The Music Died

Pops passed away at the beginning of the summer. We used Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here for a slideshow at the funeral, and now I can’t listen to them without “something getting in my eye.” When my grandma died a few years ago, we used a Beatles song with similar results. Note to self: use shittier bands for funerals…

Same Same

Why has no one cast Elias “Casey Jones” Koteas, Christopher “Kick-Ass Fag” Meloni and DeNiro as brothers? Maybe because THEY’RE THE SAME GUY!! In related news: ever wonder why you’ve never seen Omar Epps and Mike Tomlin at the same time…

Best And Worst

Minus 30 Rock (thanks Tina Fey’s unborn child) the Thursday night comedies are back! Oh, and Wednesday’s Modern Family. I love Al Bundy’s kooky family (especially the “intelligently retarded” Phil Dunphy). Aziz and Ron Swanson are the shit on Parks and Recreation. James Spader is creepin’ up on The Steve Carrell-less Office. In a roomful of heavyweights, Community wins by a Mayweather-style “while you were apologizing” KO. It remains one of the best/most creative shows on television. And this season fuckin’ Omar from The Wire is on it! Even with guest stars of that caliber, it’s still all about Troy and Abed at the end of the day. Don’t believe me? BAM!

See? T&A are the best duo since… well since T&A. Or at least since these dudes, rendered giving each other pounds by the best-named artist ever, Henry The Worst. Behold: Dap Bros!

I know I said no segues, but that last one reminds me: THIS!

Fade To Black/Spanish

All this Troy-talk got me thinking – whether they admit it or not, I’d chalk this next one up to his campaign to play Spider-Man, despite not being a cracker-ass cracker: The first issue of Marvel’s much-hyped half-black/half-hispanic Ultimate Spider-Man came out. And? Well, it was pretty good. Too bad history (via the pen of JSM!) shows us it won’t last…

And maybe it was a blessing in disguise not getting the Spidey role, Troy. It left you more time to sharpen up them rap skills and drop this:

Please Hammer, Hurt ‘Em!

I saw Drive. You should too. I was blown away. I shouldn’t have expected anything less from the oddly named Nicolas Winding Refn. (Fuck off! Stick a vowel in there!) He did direct the equally weird/amazing Bronson. Well, you’re 2 for 2 with me Refn, despite your overly-European last name…

Driven by the top-notch, less-is-more acting of Ryan Gosling and a throbbing synth-y score, this movie is off the fuckin’ hook! Quiet poignant moments are punctuated with bursts of mega-violence, super-innovative car chase sequences and the most tense yet elegant elevator ride since 14 of us got stuck between the 4th and 5th floors, drunk, a few weeks ago and had to stage an action movie escape. (OK. So the doors came apart with minimal effort and we had to crawl and jump a few feet max. Not as cool as having to climb out the top and scale the cable in a wife-beater and say some “I’m too old for this shit” type of shit. Still, it was exciting at the time. YOU SHUT UP!)

Ahem. Where was I… oh yeah. Drive. Excellent film. I can blame Miss Teen USSR for both the real elevator incident (her birthday party) and being dragged to see her boy Gosling in a new film (her birthday proper). I’d say it evens out. So if you see me driving around in a scorpion jacket waving a hammer around out the window, you can blame her for that too…

Nuv’s “Sexist” Slap-a-Bitch Sentiment Of The Day

Behold! An image from some webcomic called Yearling. Haven’t read it. Just liked the art and the vaguely creepy overtones of this image. Not because I endorse pseudo-rape imagery. But because I love stuff that will piss off the overly-sensitive man-child pussies and wanna-be feminist blogosphere. And because I’m a cad. Fuck ‘em! Actually, this one will probably get a pass because it’s an indie. Meanwhile, DC’s Catwoman and Red Hood are “THE END OF THE WORLD!!” You’re not wrong guys, but it has nothing to do with Catwoman and Batman fucking. It’s because they’re shitty comics. You can just say that instead of burning a bra and hating sex because you don’t get any. Cool?

My (Guided) View On Digital Comics

Finally: I bought an iPad. And I’ve been reading a lot of comics digitally. I was skeptical, but I have to say, it’s pretty awesome. And not just because it will be lessening the amount of giant boxes I have to constantly move around. They’re actually doing a good job of making the experience very different from reading the print version. Looking at a static scan of a comic page on a computer monitor or iPad isn’t gonna hold a candle to physically having a piece of art in your hand. BUT a few of these mofos went and got all innovative on us. Most of the big publishers are using the Comixology engine and one of its features is Guided View. Double-tapping the screen activates it, and then a swipe of the finger takes you through the comic cinematically, panel to panel. Not only that, it will stop and focus in on things they want you to dwell on. (A background detail; a subtle change in a character’s expression; a clue that only Batman and now, you, are privy to etc). And it’ll open up at appropriate times – a giant, detailed splash page, for example – and allow you to see the scope of the artist’s money shots. Essentially, it forces you to read the comic exactly as the creators meant for you to read it. It changes the pace, feel, mood, EVERYTHING, about the experience of reading comics. I love it. And if you have an iPad, you really need to check it out ’cause you will too.

Start, like I did, with Justice League #1. Reading it with Guided View instantly turned it into a mini-summer blockbuster, and that was the verdict of not just me, but some folks who don’t normally read comics, aka the prime targets of DCs relaunch. This coupled with the consistent sell-outs of the DC’s #1 print editions at the comic shops makes me think DC’s already gotta be viewing the New 52 as a success. Here’s hoping Marvel stops worrying about looking like they’re copying DC and goes day-and-date digital too. I know it’s gonna hurt your pride admitting that the “Distinguished Competition” is leading the way for the first time in a long time, but don’t get left behind. It’s gonna take both of you to save the industry. Stop the clichéd “fight each other” part of the story and get to the team up already…

Digital Comics 2: Electric Boogaloo

Another reader I got for my iPad is called Double Feature. The app is free, and you can buy comics within it. Two 8-page short stories for .99¢. I bought one called Action Double Feature #2, and one of the stories is okay enough, if a little bit of a Tick rip-off. The other one is great.

The Liar, illustrated by Hulk artist Gabriel Hardman, is a tight, fun, smart spy thriller. Considering it cost half a buck, go out on a limb and trust that it’s worth your time. What blew me away even more than what I read was how I read it. Since for some reason they aren’t part of the Comixology family they don’t use their patented Guided View tech. Instead, they turn each comic into a special edition DVD with features you can turn on or off with a tap of the finger. Features that take you behind the process like commentary from the creators and the ability to view the comic pages normally, minus the word balloons, pencil and ink minus the color, or stripped all the way down to the rough pencil sketches.

Look. The Liar rules, as does Gabriel Hardman, and Double Feature makes this little gem shine even brighter, no lie. Buy that shit!

Bye. And shit.

– Nuv

Apps to get you started: Comics by Comixology • DC Comics • Double Feature
Mo’ comic apps fo’ yo’ ass: Marvel • Image • Dark Horse • IDW • Boom! • Dynamite • Comic Zeal

PS – This here is dedicated to someone I’d like to Kickpunch: that turd-nado Ian Explosivo. May he fuck off and die horribly.