Five word reviews! GO!

Batwoman – Painful delays, amazing as expected.

Infinite Vacation – Started awesome, now genital mutilation.

5 Ronin – Pointless. Pointless, pointless, pointless. Pointless.

American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest – Made our 2011 best list!

The Rocketeer Adventures - Cooke issue awesome. Rest, meh.

Wonder Woman (pre-DC New 52) – Boycotted over offensive pants-wearing.

Okay, so I was two for six at the start of 2011. Maybe this year will be better? No! Not maybe! DEFINITELY! There’s a whole truck-load of awesome books slated by all the major publishers and it’s only January. I don’t want to jinx it, but we could well be looking at the best year in comics OF ALL TIME. So check it out! My list of stuff I’m looking forward to in the Year of the Mayan Apocalypse.

Avengers vs. X-Men (Marvel)

This twelve-issue miniseries should rule the Marvel universe. Well, two thirds of it will. If I done my math learnin’ right, 12 issues divided by 3 artists means that 4 issues will suck nuts courtesy of John Romita Jr. The other eight, drawn by Olivier Coipel and Adam Kubert, should more than make up for it. Marvel has always been the publisher to assemble great writing teams for their big events, and you can’t get any bigger than Brian Michael Bendis, Jason Aaron, Jonathan Hickman, Ed Brubaker and Matt Fraction. How five dudes can write twelve comics, I don’t know (likely there will be spin-offs) but this series should be good summer entertainment for sure.

Conan the Barbarian: Queen of the Black Coast (Dark Horse)

I’ve never really cared about Conan in movie or comic form but as far as I can tell this book is going to be a big fat extension of the soon-to-be cancelled Northlanders, so rock on! From Demo to Local to DMZ to Northlanders, it’s pretty obvious that Brian Wood (who was an astounding writer to begin with) is getting better and better all the time. Same goes for artist Becky Cloonan. At a scheduled 25-issue run, Queen of the Black Coast is an impressive project and Dark Horse can expect my $3.50 for the next two years NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

Fairest (Vertigo)

If Adam Hughes is doing the cover, there’s already a good chance I’ll buy whatever you’re hawking. Fairest, the newest (and by the sound of it, best) Fables spin-off is kicking off in March with Bill Willingham on the words and Phil Jimenez on the doodles. Jimenez is capable of veering away from his own 1990’s style, and if he does it with this book it’ll be great. If not, oh well, I’ll still buy it because it’s Willingham’s Fables. And because it centers on the women of the Fables universe, which has always been the strongest part of the main title. I liked the idea of a book that focuses on Snow and Rose and the gang when the rumours started kicking around last year and now that the release date is fast approaching I’m downright STOKED.

Fatale (Image)

I’ve read and loved some of Brubaker and Sean Phillips stuff (ie Incognito) but took a pass on other books people swore were the greatest (ie Criminal) so I was kinda on the fence about Fatale. Then the first issue come out last week with an octopus-headed, tommy gun-wielding gangster on the cover. After that I was fish-hooked. Pulp and horror smooshed together? I just can’t quit you Bru! Count me in!

Hellboy in Hell (Dark Horse)

Hellboy’s continuity on earth is done, but that doesn’t mean his creator Mike Mignola is out of stories. Hellboy is going to Hell and what’s even radder is that Mignola himself will be making a triumphant return to the art duties. Duncan Fegredo is great, but you just can’t beat Mike the Man. Hellboy in Hell is one of my most anticipated new books this year and I can’t wait to get the first issue in my grubby little hands.

The Massive (Dark Horse)

I just can’t stop being stoked about this book. On January 18th Dark Horse Presents #8 is scheduled for release and will feature the first of a three-part introduction to The Massive. The new title, a regular series scheduled to start in April, is the latest collaboration between Brian Wood and Kristian Donaldson (Supermarket, DMZ) and holy pants! just check out the blurb wouldja?

“Set in a post-war, post-crash, post-disaster, post-everything world – the environmental action trawler Kapital scours the earth’s oceans for its missing sister ship The Massive, while struggling to redefine its core mission. What does it mean to be an environmentalist after the world’s already ended?”

I haven’t been so stoked about the environment since I joined the Green Party in university so I could hang out with pretty leftist girls!

Mouse Guard: The Black Axe (Archaia)

The only comic I make a point of buying as a collected hardcover (as opposed to single-issues) is David Petersen’s Mouse Guard series. Like most of Archaia’s books, the monthlies are weird sized and have to go on a bookshelf anyway, so why not have them collected in a nice hardcover edition? Plus, Petersen takes so much time crafting each issue that my old brain can’t remember what happened in the one before. Anyway, The Black Axe prequel is halfway through its six-issue run and hopefully I can rook some schmuck into buying it for me for Christmas next year!

Saga (Image)

I didn’t get on board with Y: The Last Man and I’ve pretty much regretted it ever since. Like the worst regret of my life (other than agreeing to write for Nuv, of course). Well it’s redemption time baby! Writer Brian K. Vaughn is making his triumphant return to comics in March and the lovely and talented Fiona Staples has hitched her artistic wagon to his star for Saga, a sci-fi series that might just be the best thing released in 2012. Apparently it’s gonna be a book in the Star Wars ballpark, a sci-fi opera about two soldiers (He has horns! She has wings!) who attempt to raise a baby in the middle of an intergalactic civil war. Anyone who’s read this column knows I use the word epic incorrectly all the time, but the scope of this comic really fits the word. I want it right now!

Well there you have it folks, my 8 picks for 2012. But shouldn’t it be 12 for 2012 or at least a Top 10? And where are the DC New 52 books I claimed to love so much in your last article? Well the answer to your first question is “Blossom’s former drug-addict brother Tony!” and the answer to your second question is “Napa auto parts.” In summation, only two of my picks are from the Big Two publishers, so expect next year’s wrap up to include a lot of swearing about late books.

Until next time America, put one in the air!

– Ian

The Marvelous Land of Oz & Ozma of Oz by Eric Shanower and Skottie Young

I tend to veer away from children’s comics (and children in general) unless there’s something in it for me. I really enjoyed Thor: The Mighty Avenger because of Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee, and because it was well written for people of all ages, and beautifully illustrated. Same goes for Shanower and Young’s adaptations of L. Frank Baum’s Oz series. There aren’t a lot of collections out there that I consider perfect, but 2009’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz is just that. Whimsical, clever, scary, adorable and perfect. So Santa, if you’re listening, I’ll take the next two in hardcover please!

Batman: The Black Mirror by Scott Snyder, Jock and Francesco Francavilla

Way back in November of 2010, Scott Snyder and Jock kicked off their highly praised 10-issue run on Detective comics. Every month a new issue would come out and every month I’d think to myself “I should be buying this book.” Well, woulda-coulda-shoulda but ultimately didn’t. Fast forward to now where I’ve got this ridiculous man-crush on Snyder thanks to his current Batman run and now I want to read every Batman book he’s ever written. Luckily DC has released a very nice hardcover compilation of Snyder’s run called Batman: The Black Mirror and it’s at the very top of my Christmas list. In fact, I’d say I want it even more than Nuv wants that Baywatch Mitch Buchannon 12″ David Hasselhoff doll.

Richard Stark’s Parker: The Martini Edition by Darwyn Cooke

If you love Darwyn Cooke so much, why don’t you marry him? Well maybe I would have if Marsha hadn’t beaten me to the punch all those years ago! REGARDLESS, I have the first two Parker books on my bookshelf already (The Hunter and The Outfit) but that doesn’t stop me from wanting the oversized slipcover collection sittin’ up proud on my shelf beside my oversized slipcover of DC: The New Frontier. I’ve been good all year, fat man!

Beasts of Burden by Evan Dorkin and Jill Thompson

Sure Dorkin used to get a stocking full of coal every year for his half-assed attempts at porn comics and his perpetually shit-talkin’ Milk and Cheese comics, but lately I’ll bet he’s been getting some nice schwag. Why? Because he teamed up with Jill Thompson and they created the cutest series ever! Brave puppies who investigate paranormal phenomenon! Could you just die?! I first read a Beasts of Burden story when they teamed up with Hellboy in a Dark Horse one-shot last year. Now I want to read all of their awesome adventures!

Supermarket by Brian Wood and Kristian Donaldson

I’ve never read this book by Wood and Donaldson, but I’ve loved everything else they’ve ever done together, so why not this? Also, I’m over-the-moon with the announcement of their newest collaboration The Massive, so I really want to play catch-up and check out Supermarket before the first of The Massive prequels hit in Dark Horse Presents #8.  Brian Wood, you’re the greatest and may the executives at DC / Vertigo receive a great big box of JACK SQUAT for Christmas for cancelling Northlanders and showing you the door. We’ll show ‘em Bri.  We’ll show ‘em.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill

I’m pretty much in the same boat as anyone who thinks Alan Moore has lost it completely. I mean Jesus the Birthday Boy, what a grumpy old curmudgeon. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t write some great comic books back in the day. I’ve read the first two League of Extraordinary Gentlemen graphic novels half a dozen times and despite the fact that they’re a couple of my favourite books of all time, I’ve still never owned my own copies. That needs to be rectified! This Christmas! Anyone?!

Anyhoo, that’s my list! Until next time friends!

– Ian

Santa Claus image courtesy of the ridiculously talented Robb Mommaerts

(Nuv, find those old-school MS Works firework effects for my name or I quit. – Ian)

Aw man, if you guys only knew! I wrote the first part of this article months ago and since then Nuv put my ass on the same probation that DC has Kevin Smith on. Namely, if I didn’t give him the second part up front, he’d make sure the first part was shot and buried behind the barn. Well I had to get the second part done because I think we all know how awesome that first part was. Amirite? Anyway, I wrote the last one all goofed on CIL Dulux semi-gloss so it may have lacked some of the literary integrity you’ve come to expect from this fine site. But if perchance you liked the last part, happy day, more of the same!

Let’s continue!

IMMORTAL IRON FIST #1-16 • Writers: Ed Brubaker / Matt Fraction (but mostly Fraction) • Artist: David Aja

The history of Iron Fist comics is one of mass humiliation. And for the foreseeable future, it seems as though Marvel is set on reverting Danny Rand to his past embarrassments. Have you seen his new white and gold uniform? It’s like, oh my god. But let me hip you kids to something you might NOT have known! Back in ’06 Marvel handed the character over to a young pup named Matt Fraction, slapped Ed Brubaker’s name on the front cover so people would actually buy the thing, and lo and behold! One of the best runs OF ALL TIME was born. I frigging love this book and when I first thought of writing this article, it was the first set of comics I added to the list.

MARVEL 1602 #1-8 • Writer: Neal Gaiman • Artist: Andy Kubert

If sci-fi / fantasy was the Wu-Tang Clan, Neal Gaiman would be Ol’ Dirty Bastard and by that I mean THE BEST OF THEM ALL. If you haven’t read American Gods or Neverwhere, you just don’t know what time it is. By that token, you should probably pick up a copy of Marvel 1602 which is written by Gaiman and is therefore unrivalled in its greatness! Basically in this story the mutants didn’t manifest their powers in the ‘60s or whatever bullshit. No, they manifested them during the Elizabethan-era Inquisition. AWKWARD! Anyway, what follows is probably the best superhero story involving basically every superhero that matters in the Marvel Universe. Get it!

MARVEL MYTHOS #1-6 • Writer: Paul Jenkins (not to be confused with this guy) • Artist: Paolo Rivera

I’m a sucker for origin comics, but only origin comics that have something new and fresh to say. Sure, this series was originally designed to “bridge the gap” between comics and the movies for new kids on the block, but Jenkins and Rivera didn’t let that stop them from making six extraordinary one-shots that tell you everything you need to know. Each issue deals with one character, so by owning the whole set (like I do, because I rule) you get to learn about the only history that matters: The Hulk, Ghost Rider, Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, X-Men and Captain America.

NEW AVENGERS #1-7 • Writer: Brian Michael Bendis • Artist: Stuart Immonen

Man, I do a lot of kidding around that Bendis has lost his goddamn mind and who knows, maybe he has? How else do you explain the Ultimate comics? But when the man gets it right, he gets it right. Case in point: The second volume of New Avengers that started way back in 2010. Simply put, it’s the greatest. A perfect mix of dialogue and action, character development, funny parts and sad parts too. Christ, even Squirrel Girl rules. And the art? Let’s just say that if Stuart Immonen ran for Prime Minister in the next election, I’d vote for his Canadian ass based on drawing merit alone. AMAZING!

NORTHLANDERS #1-8, 20 • Writer: Brian Wood • Artist: Davide Gianfelice

Nuv always makes fun of me for liking Davide Gianfelice, but you know what? The man’s pencils are so fluent and the evolution of his style is so fun to watch I even followed him through the tedium of Greek Street. (BTW, fool me twice Milligan…can’t get fooled again.) Brian Wood has really rocked my world with Northlanders as a whole, but the first arc Sven the Returned is so astoundingly good it probably ranks as my favourite set of comics of all time. I’m that serious about Nuv being that wrong!

ROCKETEER ADVENTURES #2 • Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

The rest of this list is gonna feature more than a couple of Darwyn Cooke comics, but this issue of Rocketeer that came out last month was everything I expected it to be. I was already a huge fan of the whole aesthetic of The Rocketeer, so when I heard Cooke was going to be doing a story I basically lost my mind. And man did he ever deliver! He put Betty in the goddamn suit! Do you know what that means to me you guys?! Everything!

SHAZAM: THE MONSTER SOCIETY OF EVIL #1-4 • Writer/Artist: Jeff Smith

I generally don’t like “kids comics” because I generally don’t like “kids”. And I didn’t really like Jeff Smith’s magnum opus Bone because it was “waaaaay too long”, “a chore to read” and “boring” (I’m quoting myself here). But Shazam is the bees knees for a lot of reasons! It’s basically the opposite of Bone. Fun and engaging, great art, and a great story for kids that doesn’t pander. SHAZAM!

THE SPIRIT #1-14 • Writer: Darwyn Cooke • Artists: Darwyn Cooke / J. Bone

You know you’re doing something special when you take DC’s more boring property and make it something worth reading AND collecting. Seriously, the whole premise of Denny Colt and his dumb resurrection is so hopelessly Will Eisner I can hardly stand it. And I know it’s a crime to rip on Will Eisner but his stories were so boring and miserable (and kinda racist) when you read them you just want to throw yourself down a well. Anyway, this isn’t about Will Eisner, it’s about Darwyn Cooke and how he made fourteen of the best comic books I own.

THOR: THE MIGHTY AVENGER #1-8 • Writer: Roger Langridge • Artist: Chris Samnee

Nobody read this comic because nobody knew if it was a kids comic or not. Then it got cancelled and everyone got into an uproar about how DC doesn’t care about anything but the bottom line (and, of course, their well publicized inter-office orgies). That’s how it goes I guess. I’m just stoked there were eight full issues worked on by two dudes who clearly cared a lot about what they were doing. The result was that each stand alone story was a real treat.

WOLVERINE AND DOOP #1-2 • Writer: Peter Milligan • Artist: Darwyn Cooke

A super cute two-part mystery involving a weirdo alien and a grumpy X-Man. Well they’re solving some case involving a pink lady and blah, blah, blah, I guess Peter Milligan used to know how to write comics even if he’s long since forgotten how. And Darwyn is Darwyn.

Anyway, that’s it! Sure if my apartment ever caught fire I’d probably go down in flames trying to stuff them all into that one short-box, but at least I’d have a pretty good idea of what I was packing. Peace out everybody!

– Ian

Oh Matty Roth, bad news for you motherfucker! You’re still stuck in the DMZ! What will Zee say when she sees you again? Because last time you acted like such an idiot, falling in with Parco Delgato, carrying an assault rifle and acting hard as Emma Frost’s diamond bod in X-Men #7. People got killed and you have to live with it! Also, why has Matty’s nose been broken for five years? Brian Wood, I’m not going to tell you how to do your job.

Wolverine and Jubilee SHIT LOOK OUT! She’s a VAMPIRE now! Also, good job on the pencils Phil Noto!

28 Days Later (the comic). Twenty issues in, Selena is back in England and things aren’t going very well because of the zombies and the not-so-nice people who are still kicking around. This is the synopsis for the first issue. And the second. And the third…and the 20th. Okay, so nothing is really happening in this book and yet I continue paying for it. Now who’s the sucker? That’s right, still Nuv.

And then, OH NOES! Aquaman got his hand chopped off Luke Skywalker style by some asshole in the stupidest helmet I’ve ever seen! And is Aquaman actually crying on the cover? Holy crap buddy, how about you be a man and walk it off? I don’t read this comic or I’d be embarrassed!

Also, Daredevil is beating up some crooked-ass cops even though he doesn’t want to fight anymore since he went mental and built the biggest Japanese restaurant in Hell’s Kitchen! Andy Diggle, I still hate your guts, but my enduring love for the character (and Davide Gianfelice’s art) has won me over again. Up yours Diggle and up yours Nuv!

Hey listen, are you guys reading Magdalena like I said you should? She’s one foxy Catholic and I should know because I drive past, like, two Catholic schools on my way home from work. Buh-dum TISS! Inappropriate! Anyhoo, artist Nelson Blake II is killing it harder than Nuv at an all-you-can-eat buffet and writer Ron Marz continues to be the brightest star in Top Cow’s stable of ex-cons and Top Cow management’s relatives.

You know, I didn’t get all spazzy when Wonder Woman decided she wanted to rock pants for a while, but enough is enough you dicks! This month she’s off killing some Minotaur or whatever, but you know what? Those shiny black stretchy-pants have become the stupidest idea since Superman walking around America or riding public transit or whatever non-Super thing he’s doing this month. Straczynski FAIL!

Hellboy: The Sleeping and the Dead. Way to dong up a solid 18-year run of awesome Hellboy art, Scott Hampton! Nuv’s always making fun of me for reading Hellboy and I’m always making fun of Nuv’s unibrow, but Hampton really hooped my pooch with this little two-shot. Even the cover was washed out! It’s as if Dave Stewart said to himself “Screw it! If Hampton’s phoning it in, SO AM I!”

Anyways, I’m still talking about COMICS.

How’s about IDW’s newest 4-issue mini THE SUICIDE FOREST! It’s some scary Japanese horror and the art is awesome. But here’s the real kicker: IDW has actually managed to get three issues out in three months. For those at home who aren’t so good at math, that’s ONE ISSUE PER MONTH and as anyone who reads IDW comics knows, this is a COMPANY RECORD. Good job IDW!

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about what’s been going on in comics while I was “on vacation.” See ya!

– Ian

Shucks, I’ll admit that I became a little bummed out and burned out about the way Marvel copped out and sold out. And it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that – at times – I hadn’t been so disillusioned since the time I quit reading comics back in high school. But you know what? Looking back on a year of weekly pilgrimages to my local comic shop (The Connection represent!) I can honestly say that it wasn’t all doom and gloom. In my attempt to sit down and write a Top Five / Bottom Five for this article, I found that I had WAY more stuff for the positive half than for the negative. Great new titles like Velocity and The Magdalena from Top Cow nearly made the final cut, and overall I’d say this year broke pretty even. A lot of horrible stuff, sure, but a lot of great stuff too. So check it out! My Best and Worst list of 2010!

BEST

Hellboy: The Storm (Dark Horse)

This year Hellboy was faced with two choices. Either follow his destiny and become Anung un Rama, the Beast of the Apocalypse, or take a different offer and become the newest heir to King Arthur (Excalibur sword and all!) Either way, a crown is going on the head which is now short one eye. Sound convoluted? In the hands of any other writer it would be, but Mike Mignola shows no sign of losing his vision for the character he created back in 1993. If only all writers were so careful and clever with their creations.

Iron Man by Design (Marvel)

You know when your favourite title has a different character on the cover? Like the Deadpool variant to your Avengers comic and you think “That’s idiotic! Why would I want Deadpool on my Avengers book?” Well Marvel did the same thing with Iron Man last year and while IT WAS STILL AN IDIOTIC CONCEPT, the covers themselves collected in Iron Man by Design are nothing short of phenomenal. In particular, Mike del Mundo’s art deco design, John Tyler Christopher’s art nouveau and Skottie Young’s samurai are nothing short of astounding. Did anyone but me even know this book came out? Well it did and if you didn’t get a copy, consider yourself enrolled in the Nuv Takhar School of CHUMPERY.

New Avengers #7 (Marvel)

Nobody does nothing. Nobody punches anybody and absolutely no hell breaks loose. The second-tier Avengers sit around a big ass table and business gets hashed out. And you know what? It’s my favourite book of the year. Bendis nails it! Immonen nails it! They absolutely NAIL IT! He even brought in SQUIRREL GIRL to babysit Luke Cage and Jessica Jones’ baby for chrissakes! I honestly can’t remember the last time I had so much fun reading a comic book. Brilliant!

Superman/Batman #75 (DC)

OH THIS ONE! I didn’t know what the hell was going on with the main story, but the back-up stories and pin-ups are so incredibly well done that I don’t really care. The who’s who of the comic book world get in on this book, but it’s the Adam Hughes Batgirl/Supergirl splash alone (look up, click to make larger) that makes this comic a priceless book in my collection.

Thor: The Mighty Avenger #1-8 (Marvel)

Everyone who read this book loved it. Even people like me! People who don’t give a flying crap about Thor. If you didn’t love this book, something is wrong with you. Like maybe you were born without a heart? And maybe government scientists are on their way to your house to kidnap you and do experiments on you? COULD HAPPEN! And I kinda hope it does happen to the executives at Marvel who cancelled it before it’s time. Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee, I salute you both!

WORST

Avengers

I’ve been patient all year with the flagship Avengers title but I’m becoming increasingly irritated by three things. 1) The writing in this title is NOWHERE NEAR as good as New Avengers despite both books being written by Bendis. 2) John Romita Jr.’s art. Nuff said about that. And finally 3) Why does this series come off as a big fat lead-up to some goddamned ‘event’ that Marvel has planned for 2011? Probably because that’s EXACTLY what’s happening. (Again, look up, and much like Nuv’s little wee-wee, it just takes a mouse click to ‘embiggen’) I’ve been thinking about dumping this book all year and you’ll probably see that happen in the next three months if it doesn’t get really, really good. Then again they could just fire Junior…

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season Eight

What can you say about this 40-issue disaster? It was a rambling, pointless exercise in pointlessness. Nothing interesting happened until issue 39, and then they killed the only likeable character (not Buffy, more’s the pity). So now I’m basically waiting until the last issue comes out so I can flip the whole collection for a small profit to some 30-year-old goth on eBay. Ain’t capitalism grand? Jo Chen DID rule on the covers though. I’ll give the series that.

Daredevil: Shadowland

Okay, this book really sucked. It sucked more than Nuv at a George Michael concert. Remember when Marvel declared a Year of No Events and then promptly served up the worst event in the history of Marvel Comics? And in the process ruined the entire legacy of an uninterrupted 132-issue Daredevil run? Yeah, this storyline was a write-off from the word go and the fact that Andy Diggle is still writing Daredevil comics makes me want to punch a kitten. Grrr!

DMZ

Dear Brian Wood,

I don’t care about Matty Roth anymore.

Ian Explosivo (pronounced EX-plo-SEE-vo)

Fantastic Four

The last half of this year has been one big lead-up to a death in Marvel’s First Family. Like baby showers or musicians-pretending-to-leave-only-to-be-coaxed-back-by-applause-for-an-encore, it’s a revolting gimmick and a shameless hand that Marvel has played WAY TOO MANY TIMES in the past couple of years. And anyway, you know it’s gonna be Ben Grimm and then I’m going to be angry as shit all over again. Sigh…

Anyway, let’s let bygones be bygones! Let’s get our auld lang syne on! It’s a new year and there’s a whole pile of comics that look absolutely amazing coming out! And I’ll be with you every step of the way! OH, and as some sort of punishment for evil committed in a past life, Nuv will probably be around too. On that note, I’m accepting applications for unpaid interns with a go-getter work ethic and a laissez-faire attitude when it comes to assassinating my enemies.

– Ian

NEXT ISSUE: NUV’S-LIST! TUNE IN TOMORROW!

For A Night Of Superhero Sex With The Girl Geek In Your Life: Torrid Hero Bustier

Nuv: Stuff her stocking in style this year. 1. Have her throw on that (almost) Wonder Woman lingerie while you loosen that utility belt and 2. throw on some Bat-Porn to set the mood. 3. Cap it all off with the patented ‘Captain America,’ (scroll down to definition #4) or as we refer to it here in Canada, ‘The Phantom.’ Just remember, if she turns around mid-‘Phantom,’ your secret identity’s been exposed. Come (heh) Boxing Day morning, you’ll be regaling your fellow nerdlings around the back issues with tales of your deflowering. Virgin-Man, No More!

4. Don’t forget though: “With Great Pussy, Comes Great Child Support Payments.” Unless you’re in the market for a new sidekick, don’t forget to throw a…umm…’cowl’… on your Mini-Dr. Manhattan.

Local
Ian: Gosh, just the other day I loudly proclaimed “Nuv is a racoon-f@¢&er!” But more importantly, after that, I loudly proclaimed “If this Christmas passes and no one buys me the collected hardcover volume of Brian Wood’s Local, I’m going to know FOR A FACT that NONE OF YOU LOVE ME!” Shameless and dramatic? Yes. Effective? Hopefully!

Darwyn Cooke’s Parker Series: The Hunter and The Outfit
Ian: Hey, you know how Grandpa is always going on about the good old days of shooting people and getting away with heists? Well here’s the most perfect gift idea EVER for the old coot! How’s about you pick him up Darwyn Cooke’s Parker: The Hunter and Parker: The Outfit? I’m helping you out! With Christmas! I also offer my services, free of charge, in assisted suicides. My clientele is extremely limited, in that I only offer these services to those down on their luck enough to be Nuv. Once again: helping!

Nuv: Parker is one of the only things Ian & I are on the same page about. True, part of that is because he can’t read, but also, we both dig Darwyn Cooke. He’s at his best here. Hard boiled, gritty s#!% about men being men and stealing stuff. You know, when they’re not killing and f@¢&ing. Break yo’self and buy you some, fool!

Absolute All Star Superman • Blackest Night • Classic Graphic Novel TPBs
Nuv: Oh, word? You want some Superhero Graphic Novels? Assuming you have some cash to throw around, my Book of the Decade pick will do in a pinch. Absolute All Star Superman is an oversized, hardcover edition of the one Superman story to hand out if you want to convey everything that’s awesome about the character in one fell swoop. If you’re looking for something a little more mindless, with a taste for brains (or just straight up cheaper) you can’t go wrong with Blackest Night. Even cheaper than that, give any one of these classics-for-a-reason in Trade Paperback form and school them fools on what exactly made comics grow up.

Stan’s Soapbox: The Collection
Ian: Sure, most whipper-snappers these days think of Stan as the crazy uncle wandering around the Marvel offices (which is kinda true) but back in the day Stan was The Man. And in his monthly column he had a lot to say about not only the comics industry, but about serious topics like prejudice and discrimination too! Neat!

Comic Book DrawerBoxes

Nuv: Hey, are you equipped with spindly little arms and sick of moving big, heavy comic boxes to properly file and store all your single issues? Well, why don’t you make your life easier and spruce up your mom’s basement with these DrawerBoxes from Collection Drawer Co. Keep your s#!% correct without having to resort to pesky things like ‘downsizing’ or ‘exercise!’

DC Direct Ame-Comi Heroine Series
Ian: They walk the fine line between super-saucy and downright bad-ass. Being a huge fan of the Birds of Prey, Venus Toshiba and I already have Huntress and Black Canary. But, you know, feel free to buy us any of the other ones (preferably the Barbara Gordon Batgirl and/or Wonder Woman).

Cover Run: The DC Comics Art of Adam Hughes
Ian: Speaking of which, for those who like giving the best gift of all (boners), try this beautiful coffee table collection of Adam Hughes’ covers on for size. Now that’s what I call ‘erecting the tree’! Yowza!

DC Comics 75th Anniversary Poster Book + Opus Framing Gift Card
Nuv: Or instead of a present for their coffee table, give a gift to their walls. Their choice of 100 classic, ready to frame tear-away images spanning the colourful history of DC Comics and whatever style frame they want to match their crappy furniture!

“Wu-Tang Is For The Children!” So Is All This S#!%…

Oz: The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
Ian: If you have the misfortune of having children to buy for like that racoon-f@¢&ing Nuv, you really couldn’t do any better than Eric Shanower and Skottie Young’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Kids are dumb and generally only like manga, so you’ll be placing it on your own bookshelf within a week. Double win!

Nuv: Don’t get too upset, parents. Ian’s basing his theories on the average IQ in his family tree and his own fertility, or lack thereof. That said, if you really wanna impress the kids and/or distract them while you do other shit and/or get something you can do with them indoors, why not go with one of these comic-based movies or video games from last year? Mo’ Proper!
Superhero Video Games: Batman Arkham Asylum / Spider-Man Shattered Dimensions
Comic Book Movies on Blu-Ray: Scott Pilgrim vs The World / Kick-Ass / Iron Man 2

Become A Superhero In Five Easy Steps

Nuv: I’m not even going to explain this. Click the links in succession.
Step One: Superpowers • Step Two: Grandmaster Chang • Step Three: Pee Eye • Step Four: Night Vision! • Step Five: Suit Up

Star Wars Heroes & Villains Cookie Cutters

Ian: Most of us comic book kids could do without eating any more cookies. But since we’re going to anyway, why not rock your next LAN party with these sweet-ass Star Wars cookie cutters? Your peeps will be all “OMFGZZZ!!” Bonus: If you want to make your friends fight each other for real, show up with only one Darth Vader.

Fiberglass Freaks’ Officially Licensed 1966 Batmobile Replica

Nuv: If you have a Bruce Wayne-rich Santa in your life (Cough, cough…Teddy.), and a penis, you’ll wanna throw this completely functional Batmobile on your wish list. How functional? The f@¢&in’ rocket exhaust flamethrower works! Come on!!

Superman Xmas Tree Ornaments

Ian: We all know the Christmas bus has a tendency to swerve headlong into the ditch of tackiness. But you know what’s always classy? Pulling a Cleveland Hopkins International Airport and decorating your tree Superman-style! What better way to celebrate a character who’s every bit as real as Jesus or Santa?

Joe Kubert School Of Cartoon & Graphic Art: Correspondence Courses

Nuv: Every one of us that truly loves comic books has at one point wished they could make them. Wanna cross over from someone who doodles shitty superheroes that go no further than the insides of your binder or the outside of your fridge? Wanna do it without embarrassing yourself Liefeld-style? Train with the best of the best. Kubert’s School has been cranking out Big Two (DC & Marvel, not Nuv & Ian) artists for decades. Not living in New Jersey? Not a problem! Ask Santa for one of their Correspondence Courses and put off doing them from the comfort of your own home. Ya lazy goat!

Superman vs. Muhammad Ali: Statue • Facsimile Edition • Deluxe Edition

Nuv: My favorite boxer and my favorite superhero commemorating a scene from my favorite comic book of all time. In statue form. AND they re-released the comic in two formats, one of which is in the original mega-oversized format. Now I know the statue was pushed back to December 29th. That’s fine. I’m patient. You can buy yourself some time by placing THIS under my tree for Christmas morning. But if these shits aren’t on my mantle/bookshelf by sundown on the 29th, mark my motherf@¢&in’ words: I will kill you in the face, Santa! Don’t think I won’t, Chubbs! My beard, too, is mighty!!

Dinosaur Comics Dry Erase Whiteboard

Ian: OH WHAT?! If you’re the kind of cat that likes saying sassy things and writing in caps A LOT, then the Dinosaur Comics board is undoubtedly the must-have purchase of the year. The littlest webcomic by fellow Canadian Ryan North has been a perpetual source of work-shirkery for me for years! YES! If only I could wipe away all of the buls#!% that spews out of Nuv’s mouth with such ease…

Ian: And finally, because this site has made me Oprah rich I’ll be heading over to Vancouver’s Vaglio *snicker* Fireplaces and get something fiery to hang my stocking on (and throw my Daredevil: Shadowland’s in). Toasty!

Nuv: If Ian dropped his pants you’d also see a Vaglio. Double-Toast!!

Well, that’s about it. In honour of my eternal duel with Ian Explosive-Diarhea-O, I’ll leave you with one last recommendation, for that special-est of somebodies in your life…

For Your Arch-Enemy: Spy vs. Spy Figurines/Book Set

Merry Christmas, motherf@¢&ers!

– The Big Two

The new Avengers title is coming out this week and you know what? I realized the other day that even though I’d read the first six issues I couldn’t for the life of me remember what was happening in the story. So I re-read the first arc and found I was right about two things. Brian Michael Bendis (ONE!) is killing it on the story, and John Romita Jr. should have his ass (and the stuff in his desk) thrown into the Marvel dumpster. Seriously, how many brilliant, groundbreaking artists are currently working on lesser books OR NOT WORKING AT ALL while Junior continues to hack it up on this amazing title? Imagine someone like Kenneth Rocafort or Skottie Young on this book and try not to punch your fist through a wall. It’s infuriating!

Anyhoo! There’s a brand new Hellboy title out this week called the Double Feature of Evil! It’s drawn by the great Richard Corben and anyone who read Makoma or The Crooked Man knows that this is going to be money in the bank. I’m a die-hard Mignola man when it comes to Hellboy interiors, but I gotta admit that Duncan Fegredo and Richard Corben are holding down the fort ADMIRABLY during Mignola’s doodle hiatus.

What else? Magdalena #4 is on the docket, but if you hate fun stories and you despise awesome art, this book is NOT FOR YOU. Patience is the new Magdalena (the Catholic Church equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and she’s been tasked with killing a creepy little kid who’s most likely the Anti-Christ. Nice one Ron Marz! Also, nice one Nelson Blake THE SECOND. See Johnny? You can live in the shadow of your father without sucking ass on the pencils! And Ryan Sook’s covers OH MY CATHOLIC GOD! You could buy this book, rip the cover off and recycle the rest and you’d still feel like you’d made good use of your four bucks. It’ll probably be delayed though. We ARE talking about Top Cow here.

What’s up Flash #6?! It’s the last issue of the spectacular first arc The Dastardly Death of the Rogues and I couldn’t be more stoked about how it’s been going. I’ve been a Francis Manapul booster for quite a while now, so I don’t need to say anything except READ THIS IF IT’S THE LAST THING YOU DO. Apparently Manapul is taking a two issue break after this one, but he’ll be back for Issue #9. So don’t even think about dropping this title or you’ll have a two-issue hole right in the middle of your run.

What ho! The newest Northlanders story is wrapping up this week and once again Brian Wood (TWO!) has knocked it out of the park. Maybe it’s because every arc houses its own unique story with original characters, settings, artists and themes, but this book is always so fresh and entertaining to read. The question is whether or not Wood will let his murderous protagonists off the hook this time. So far he’s been pretty consistent in getting his babies out of trouble (most notably the Shield Maidens from issues #18 and #19 and the Plague Widow from #21-28) although it’s not looking good for Erik and Ingrid, the Norse equivalent of Mickey and Mallory…

And finally, there’s a little golden nugget that a lot of people may have missed in last week’s Batgirl #15. Now, I’m just speculating here, but my guess is that Brian Q. Miller (THREE!) sat down to write this issue in the wake of the Return of Bruce Wayne and realized that a lot of his readers were going to be completely lost when it comes to the current state of the Bat-family. So what does he do? He grabs his pal Dustin Nguyen and together they cover the last seventy years IN JUST THREE PAGES. I swear, if I ran a comic shop I’d have these pages (reprinted below) blown up to poster-size and hung over the racks. That way any new customers that roll in over the next year won’t be completely hooped.

Anyway, I’m crashing out and so I’m off to find a suitable replacement for sugar (the man says chocolate doesn’t count and “fruit” sure as frick doesn’t either) so until next week I bid you adieu!

– Ian

Have you been over to Torontonian Michael Cho’s site in a while? When it comes to superheroes with an Adrian Tomine-esque flavour, that cat has got his style TOGETHER!

Speaking of nice young ladies your Mom would approve of, Katherine Curtis (the red-headed anchor from Naked News) has fired up her own site called Naked Nerd. It’s every bit as awesome as it sounds. Comics! Games! X-Men #1-related nudity! Basically it’s the best of all worlds.

I’m not going to buy the upcoming Kick-Ass 2 comics because after watching the Kick-Ass movie and then reading the comics afterwards, I’ve realized that Mark Millar needs an editor. Also, what kind of sell-out douche-bag has a website that ends in .tv?

My local comic store (The Connection Games & Accessories) has once again saved my ass by having a back-issue copy of Blackest Night #3. Man, those cats do a great job every Wednesday without fail. Their pull-list (and discount!) system is the best in the city and they’ve never made a mistake with my order as long as I’ve been going there. Good job guys!

As a result, this week I’m going to sit down and read the entire Blackest Night and Brightest Day even though the DC Multiverse, to quote my lovely Australian houseguest, “gives me the shits”. Basically I’m jealous that my wife is totally in the know and I don’t know nothin’ nohow.

Our buddy and future celebrity comic book artist Jason Copland’s Kill All Monsters! run is set to begin exclusively on Review 2 a Kill. Look for the official website here (coming soon).

The question was asked by Raj on last week’s Big Bang Theory and it bears repeating: Where does Aquaman poop?

The countdown is on to the November 24^th release of J.H. Williams III’s Batwoman issue #0. A question: What are the legal ramifications of marrying a comic book? And will A&E give us our own show? We’re in LOVE and won’t be judged by YOU! Y’ALL DON’T KNOW ME!

Is it my destiny to follow Francis Manapul’s career around like a lost puppy? Indeed it is!

In the next week or two I’m gonna put in a big Amazon graphic novel order. In the basket so far: Fables Vol. 13, Old Man Logan, Parker: The Outfit, The Marvelous Land of Oz, Mouse Guard: Winter 1152, Brian Wood’s Local and possibly the collected Wednesday Comics. What am I missing?

My All-Time Top Five Manga Comics: …

DC Universe Online: More addictive and relationship-destroying than heroin laced with crack laced with Timbits.  And now that it’s completed, what will Jim Lee’s new excuse be for not drawing All-Star Batman and Robin?

Holy crackers there are a lot of real-life superheroes! Check out Vancouver’s own Thanatos! I better get crackin’ on my costume, wise-ass remarks and fighting ability (in that order)!

Have you ever read the opening seven-issue run on Marvel Knights: 4? I never cared much about the Fantastic Four until I read this run by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (words) and the always amazing Steve McNiven (pictures). Great stuff, and you won’t see The Thing drawn better anywhere!

Remember Tim Sale?

THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE END.

– Ian

1. There are certain things that are sacred in comics.  Is there anything universally revered that you secretly can’t stand?

Ian: I secretly don’t like Stan Lee. I know he’s a great creator and all, but have you ever tried to read one of his original comics?The writing is AWFUL!  Plus he royally screwed over Jack Kirby. But mainly Stan the Man just bugs me because he’s become a ridiculous parody of himself, and not in a fun way like William Shatner. Oh, and at this year’s Emerald City Comic Con you have to pay $40 USD for an autograph. ‘Nuff said.

Nuv: Everything you’ve said is the truth. Personality goes a long way though. The best con men convince you that they are harmless or make you like them enough that you forgive them when you do get wise to them. And that is why people still smile when they see Stan ‘The Man’ Lee show up in Marvel movies and ham it up. They see a pleasantly senile old codger where you see a shrewd, thunder-stealing old coot.

Ian: That explains how, despite your involvement, we have any readers at all.

Nuv: Touché, douchebag.

2. Who would you say can do no wrong right now?

Ian: Skottie Young. From the Wonderful Wizard of Oz to all of his cover work, Young is consistently getting the job done, unlike that d-wad Nuv.

Nuv: Skottie Young is amazing. His work reminds me of Bill Watterson of Calvin and Hobbes fame, but with a mean streak. On acid. Listening to gangster rap. He should do a children’s book with Dr. Doom and Eazy E. This would also be advantageous for Ian, as it would be at his reading level.

As far as someone who I think can do no wrong, I’ve never read anything I disliked written by Geoff Johns. His recent promotion to Chief Creative Officer of DC Comics is fantastic news. There isn’t a better candidate to oversee their stable of characters in print and shepherd them into other media, like film and video games.

3. If you could go back in time and give your five-year-old self the world’s greatest geek-culture costume for Halloween, what would it be?

Ian: Padawan Jedi with lightsaber. Hands down.

Nuv: Ian Explosivo with unimaginative-choice-beam. No question.

4. What’s the lamest, most fan-boyish thing you’ve done lately?

Ian: The other day I thought to myself “I should have picked up those collectible lantern rings.” What the crap?! I don’t know anything about the lanterns, or their rings, and I had no interest whatsoever in Blackest Night. I just like having sets of things I guess!

Nuv: Funny you should mention those rings. I have the set. I was actually going to give them to my nephews, but as their interest in comics was usurped by their interest in girls, I decided to keep them until they grow back into being childish like their uncle. Most of the comics you had to buy to get the rings were already on my pull list, so I didn’t have to go very far out of my way to get them. Ian’s pull list involves tweezers, a jeweler’s microscope and an issue of Playgirl featuring all non-Ricky Martin members (heh) of Menudo.

Hey, didn’t you also go buy yourself the glasses Affleck wore in that shitheap ‘Daredevil‘ for like $900 or some s#!%?

Ian: Hey, why don’t you put on all of your pretty, sparkly little rings and go f@¢& yourself? Grown folks is talkin’…

5. Who would you say is wasting their talent the most right now?

Ian: I was originally going to say Nuv, but he has no talent. Then I thought of Todd McFarlane, but with his recent promotion to co-publisher at DC, I have to go with Jim Lee. I wouldn’t trust that guy to draw a straight line with a pencil, ruler and a deadline of three days. And now he’s co-publisher at Detective Comics Comics? Ridiculous!

Nuv: Man! I’m assuming you just look at the pictures, so you may have missed that in the actual text portions of the articles detailing Jim Lee’s move to co-publisher he states that part of his new job description involves getting back to drawing more comics. In fact, being anything less than ecstatic about the executive team DC assembled is absolutely retarded. I guess I should expect no less from an Absolute Retard™…

Anyways, I think the biggest waste of talent in comics is… Jim Lee. Look, I just wanted to diss my cohort and point out that the DC deal is good news. That said, arguably the best pure superhero artist not having a monthly comic book on the stands is even stupider than that dink Ian.

6. What is your dream ‘powerhouse’ creative team (writer/artist)?

Ian: I’d like to see Brian Wood and Davide Gianfelice take a kick at Daredevil. They did such a great job on the first eight issues of Northlanders. But only if Wood is really excited about the project. When he’s not, it’s really obvious with the dragging story, lack of direction, and whole issues where nothing significant happens (see the last half of DMZ). Also, very similar to Nuv’s portions of this column.

Nuv: This entire article has been foreshadowing my answer to this question: Geoff Johns and Jim Lee on JLA. The best creative team in comics and the best superheroes in comics, all under one roof, monthly. C’mon, son. You can’t beat that with a bat.

Ian: I wish I could beat you with a bat.

Nuv: You and me both pal. That may be the only way I can escape having to see your dumb face again.

Put two in the air…

– The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: THE BIG TWO BEAR WITNESS TO GEOFF JOHNS COATING TWO OF DC’S BIGGEST IN A FRESH COAT OF SILVER.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

Well, on the covers I suppose! From its December 2007 debut to the present, Northlanders has been gorgeously decorated by Italian artist Massimo Carnevale (with Adam Kubert in tow). It’s wonderful stuff and rather than drastically differing from – or outright overshadowing – the art inside, Carnevale’s work compliments the interior while at the same time showcasing the artist’s unique bold style.

How Brian Wood even found the man is unclear, but one thing is for sure: Davide Gianfelice can draw like nobody’s business. Each panel, from start to finish, is filled with detail but never appears overcrowded or messy. But what is a comic book without a good layout? Well, Gianfelice has that covered too. More important than all of these things, though, is the fact that Gianfelice’s characters are compelling to look at. Each face is unique and clearly distinguishable from the next, and the emotional range he captures makes the book better than the sum of all its parts.

It should also be pointed out that while flipping through the issues I was once again struck by the vibrancy of the colours chosen by the artist. Dave McCaig’s colour palette is so perfect that, by virtue of this series alone, he officially replaces Dave Stewart as my favourite colourist of all time (sorry Stew!)

So that leaves Brian Wood, mastermind of the entire project. “Pitch me a monthly series, my editor Will Dennis told me. But something different, break out of your box.” Well goddamn! Did he ever! Now, keep in mind that I’m not one of those die-hard Brian Wood worshippers. I’m currently bored to death with his long-running title DMZ, but Northlanders remains the highlight of my pull-list every month. The writing is solid and the story is compelling from the get-go.

When the story begins, Sven returns from military service in Constantinople to find that his jerky-faced uncle has murdered his father and taken his birthright as Lord of Orkney. What follows is a wrath so severe, it has to be seen to be believed. Also, Brian Wood is a cat that does his homework: everything about this story, from subject matter to artistic rendering feels authentic.

In summation, that’s why these nine-issues comprise as perfect an arc as I can possibly imagine, and for that reason the Sven the Returned/Immortal story arc from Northlanders #1-8 and #20 is my pick for “Book of the Decade.”

Stay tuned for Nuv, who’s pick (SPOILER ALERT!) is Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane.

[Ian’s Runner Ups: The Bendis and Maleev run on Daredevil, while close to my heart, was simply too obvious a choice. I love it, sure, but so does everyone else. Likewise Darwyn Cooke’s masterpiece DC: The New Frontier. To date, it’s the only slipcase boxed set I own and I love it more than a man should love an inanimate object.]

Nuv: Keep your sex life to yourself Ian. My pick is ALL STAR SUPERMAN.

Doomed planet. Desperate Scientists. Last Son. Kindly couple.

With those eight words, writer Grant Morrison accomplishes what takes everybody else who tackles Superman 4 issues to do (or in the case of the movies, the first third of the film) and effectively distills everything we need to know going in down to one page. Then artist Frank Quitely makes his presence known by throwing us feet-first into the action with an epic double-page spread of Superman in the process of trying to rescue the first manned expedition into the sun(!), which of course is right where archenemy Lex Luthor wants him.

That’s only the first few pages, and the pace never lets up. By the end of this issue, Superman gains new powers, learns he is dying, and realizes he has eleven more issues to right all the wrongs he can.

Morrison explores every corner of the Superman universe, and ultimately delivers this generation’s Twelve Tasks of Hercules. Wide-eyed without being naive, trippy without being grimy; a heady science fiction fable with a heart so big you can feel it beating through every page.

All of that would fall apart quickly if the art were not up to the same standards. Luckily, much as Krypton gave us Supes, Scotland rockets us their very own Frank Quitely. He sits alone above all other artists when it comes to story-telling and staging a scene. The way he shows Superman’s transformation to Clark, you believe that it would fool everyone around him. The De Niro of superheroes, he uses physicality and wardrobe to pull the wool. It’s not just the glasses. He slouches his shoulders, wears his clothes over-sized and frumpy, sucks in his chin and pushes out his gut to appear pudgier. Also, pay close attention whenever Frank has Clark doing his bumbling, clumsy oaf routine. It’s all a smokescreen. When you piece together what Clark is actually doing…well, you can thank Quitely for that too.

I’m rambling like that d-wad Ian, but I can’t help it. This belongs on every comic fan’s bookshelf, right in between Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns; a ray of light poking out of the darkness.

All-Star Superman. Will the greatest Superman story ever told also be the last? My lips are sealed, but your wallets aren’t. Go directly to the comic shop, top speed, and buy the book of the decade. You, too, will believe a man can fly.

[Mo’ Betta Superman - Kingdom Come, Red Son, Whatever Happened To The Man of Tomorrow? Deluxe Edition, Superman and The Legion of Superheroes, Brainiac, Secret Origin, The Death and Return of Superman, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, Action Comics #775.
More Morrison/Quitely - New X-Men: E Is For Extinction; JLA: Earth 2, We3, Batman & Robin #1-3.]

Put two in the air…

– The Big Two