Are you ready?

After a gruesome little bump in the road (the never-to-be-mentioned again OMAC crossover issue) Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E. came roaring back with issue no. 6. I’m really glad I didn’t let that last issue sour me on this book because the new arc has started off fantastically. Here’s hoping DC doesn’t cancel the title and pander to people like Nuv who have no respect for great comics. Or fashion.

Or bestiality laws.

This just in! The award for Most Beautiful (Despite Being Ultra-Boring to Read) Comic goes to… WHAT? A TIE?! That’s right! Our readers voted to break the trophy in two and give half to The Flash and half to Batwoman. Francis Manapul and J.H. Williams III keep rockin’ it! But Francis Manapul and J.H. Williams III, maybe you guys should hand the writing reins to actual writers like Johns and Rucka respectively?

Fr-ick!

A couple of weeks ago I finally got the first issues of Brian Wood’s The Massive and Conan: Queen of the Black Coast in my grubby little hands and guess what? Even though I’ve been stoked about these books for MONTHS leading up to their release, I still haven’t read either one. Remember at the end of Fanboys, when they’re all in the theatre to see The Phantom Menace and Eric says “What if the movie sucks?” It’s kinda like that. Expect a full review soon though!

UPDATE / PREVIEW: THEY BOTH RULE!!!

Nuv: Okay, hold the fuckin’ phone Warwick! I was gonna stay out of your misinformed mess of an article, but enough is enough. You have the nerve to call The Flash BORING, and you like the comic that sits NEXT to that word in the dictionary?! DOUBLE-NOPE!! Fuck outta the way, while I tell ‘em what’s really what.

People, people. Ignore this dick-kabob. ‘The Massive,’ despite what its title would have you believe, is not about my penis. It is not going to wow you the first time you lay eyes on it, nor has it been previously enjoyed by your girlfriend. No, I’m afraid it’s more like Ian’s wee wee-wee, and as such, any of the following would be more apt titles: The Miniscule; The Mediocre-at-best; The Miscoloured. Oh, and just like with Ian’s peen, it ends quickly and doesn’t get the job done. Meanwhile, in Batwoman and The Flash, you have drop dead GORGEOUS artwork and some of the most innovative layouts and panel-to-panel storytelling in comics. AND in The Flash, you also get surprisingly sharp stories that move at a breakneck speed (appropriate, considering the protagonist) and all from a first-time artist/writer. There’s so much going on, on every page with both art and story, and it never once gets confusing. It does beg to be looked at with long (and longing) stares repeatedly. See for yourself! (Click to enlarge)

LOOKATTHATSHIT!! Maybe they should call THIS comic The Nuv-Dick! And maybe you should call it quits, Bushwick. (Huh. Two midget references, two names ending in ‘Wick.’ I wonder if it’s a suffix given only to the most important of midgets.) You clearly have lost what little bit of grey matter you and the Gallaghers didn’t emo right outta there.

Ian: WHOA WHOA WHOA! Everyone is all up in Brubaker’s business all “Incognito! Fatale! We want more crime comics!” but most people don’t realize that Mike Mignola is killing it too with his new Lobster Johnson mini-series The Burning Hand! The writing is fun and Johnson’s dialogue is the very essence of pulp fiction. Nuv, on the other hand, is the very essence of dumpster hobo. And I don’t know where artist Tonci Zonjic came from, but his super-fresh art style has found a home in my heart for sure. I can only hope one day Nuv finds a home on the Missing Persons cork board at the Post Office.

Well, after six months of waffling, I’ve finally decided to add I, Vampire to my pull list. Every month I pick it off the shelf, flip through the pages and then carry it to the till. Every month! But Andrea Sorrentino has consistently turned in beautiful art for the last six months, so I’m officially on board for as long as he is. Also, there are guest cameos by John Constantine and Batman which is both a) a shameless gimmick by DC to get superhero readers to pick it up and b) forgivable because Joshua Hale Fialkov is a good writer and makes it work.

Did you see the first couple of episodes of Kevin Smith’s reality show Comic Book Men? I don’t think the show is gonna fly because the guys who work in his store are a pack of a-holes. If I wanted to spend time with a pack of a-holes, I’d go over to Nuv’s house where I can at least mooch free coke (yes, THAT coke) and steal things. Kevin Smith, I love ya but you’re getting difficult to defend anymore.

But wait, there’s more to talk about!

Brian Michael Bendis is only writing two good books anymore amirite? The entertaining but perpetually late Scarlet and Marvel’s newly-canceled Moon Knight. Moon Knight was a fun book from the get-go but the last issue (No. 9) was extraordinary. They’d been playing with Marc Spector’s schizophrenia (he thinks he’s either talking to or actually IS Captain America, Spider-Man and Wolverine throughout). But in the last issue the book took a hard shift in tone, things got super heavy and as a result it was one of the best books to come out that month. It’s just a shame that the title is getting the axe with issue 12. I think if Bendis had spent a little less time on the set-up and more time on the results and aftermath of Marc’s breakdown, the book would have flourished with the readers. Oh well, what can you do?

And, as always, in summation, if you’re still not reading Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo’s Batman, you’re still doing it wrong. Wronger than Nuv and Kev’s taste in comics combined! Issue six just dropped and it’s RIDICULOUSLY AMAZING so go buy it like crazy!

Nuv: YEP! While Scarlet sucks post-punk, faux-hawked, tofu dinky, Batman kicks your teeth straight down your throat with each and every issue and has you coming back for more, making “fell down the stairs” excuses in it’s defense, all 1950s-wife style and shit. Pretty much the only thing me and this crowhole are ALWAYS in agreement on: If you aren’t buying Batman, you’s a buster-ass, fool-ass, punk-ass, trick-ass bee-itch!

Alright, Kev. Sorry, I couldn’t avoid telling Ian he’s a fucktard. But hey champ, don’t fret! I didn’t forget that you wanted me to recommend some stuff to read that isn’t shitty, so PRESTO! Here’s a list of ten, no frills, no gimmicks, no Ian. Open wide! Here comes the airplane:

Batman • See above.
Justice League • Everything that made me fall in love with superhero comics as a kid, but modernized. Every issue feels like a summer blockbuster.
PunisherMAX • Every week that it came out, I would save this for last. And every issue I read would be accompanied by the sounds of me yelling “HOO-OO-WHA-A-A-TTHEFUUUUH?!” and “HOOO-O-O-LYSHIIIIT!!” out loud in equal doses, coupled with the clap+stomp of disbelief. I saved it for last because I knew, NO other comic in that pile was gonna top this. Or more accurately, sink to these depths. This is HBO’s Punisher: dirty, depraved, violent and brimming with cusswords. There’s an honest-to-goodness PUKE-FIGHT!! What more could you ask for?! It’s done now (RIP) so you can read the whole shit at once!
Uncanny X-Force • The writing and art on this absolutely floored me every single issue. Exciting, epic, grizzly, utterly unique and, well, uncanny. X-Force stands alone, and pisses on Liefeld’s grave.
Loose Ends • Southern crime-romance by way of Tarantino. The writing (by a phenomenal artist) on this was awesome! The art (by a different phenomenal artist) was stunning. The colours? Holy shit, the colours! I think they slid acid in the ink or some shit! Mind-boggling! Even the format of the comic itself is slick as Rick. 3 issues out, one to come. Loose Ends, you sultry bitch. I’ll hate to see you go, but I’ll love to watch you leave.
Criminal: The Last of the Innocent • Not buying the best Criminal series yet would be the true crime. Click here for the preview and peep away, pervert!
The Strange Talent of Luther Strode • Remember those old Charles Atlas ads in the backs of comics when we were kids? Imagine if they worked. Now take what you imagined and make it 1,000 times funnier and 1,000,000 times more ultra-violent! So, basically, it’s Ian’s complexion. (Fuck it! I had to slide ONE in there.)
Butcher Baker, The Righteous Maker • Pop-smut madness! The art is insanely brilliant, the story is brilliantly insane! Oh, and I haven’t even told you about the fucking TRUCK yet…
THE GHOST OF COMICS PAST: Umbrella Academy • These have actually been out for a few years, but I never go longer than a few months without re-reading them.
THE GHOST OF COMICS FUTURE: Parker: The Score • Scripts as ice cold as the main character and innovative illustration as intricate as the heists he pulls come together to form these graphic masterpieces. No surprise, considering Darwyn Cooke is a graphic master. The Hunter was great. The Outfit was the best thing published in 2010. The Score hits shelves (between the eyes, no doubt) this May.

How was that, princess? Bolded and colour-coded all pretty, just the way you like it! Alright, lights out now pumpkin. It’s way past your bed time. Daddy’s gotta go chase down Ian-wick and continue rubbing his nose in this Massive shit he just took on Daddy’s website. It’s the only way he’ll learn…

Sweet dreams, bitches!

– The Big Two

While knee-jerk reactions about fucking with a classic will cause an internet fanboy apocalypse, the controversy/curiosity will result in much wanted attention and boatloads of money for an industry that doesn’t generate enough of either. For those that are offended by this project, the solution is simple: DON’T BUY IT. For those that feel this will sully the original: DON’T READ IT. I have a friend who every time he watches the movie Heat [SPOILER ALERT, THOUGH IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HEAT YET, ALLOW ME THIS OPPORTUNITY TO REQUEST THAT YOU EAT SOME SHIT] stops it before DeNiro gets killed, because he wants him to get away and has convinced himself that’s where the movie ends. Weird as fuck? Yes! Does it provide him with a more pleasant existence? Yes! Ignore this comic if you’re not feelin’ it. Let your money do the talking instead of your keyboard. DC doesn’t give a shit what mom basements the world over think about this.

On The One Hand: Godfather II. On The Other Hand: Phantom Menace…

Me? I may be setting myself up for disappointment, and maybe I’ll get fuckin’ Jar Jar Binks and Jake Lloyd and 'I'm a person and my name is Anakin!' and all that shit.»  Or maybe I’ll get Pacino and De Niro, and flashbacks to young Vito Corleone’s revenge on Black Hand gangster Fanucci, and “I knew it was you, Fredo.”

Train wreck money grab or masterpiece sequel, either way? These books are gonna be some sexy motherfuckers! Just LOOK at the creative teams below…

BEFORE WATCHMEN

RORSCHACH (4 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: Lee Bermejo

MINUTEMEN (6 issues) – Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

COMEDIAN (6 issues) – Writer: Brian Azzarello. Artist: J.G. Jones

DR. MANHATTAN (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artist: Adam Hughes

NITE OWL (4 issues) – Writer: J. Michael Straczynski. Artists: Andy and Joe Kubert

OZYMANDIAS (6 issues) – Writer: Len Wein. Artist: Jae Lee

SILK SPECTRE (4 issues) – Writer: Darwyn Cooke. Artist: Amanda Conner

Each week, a new issue will be released, and will feature a two-page back-up story called CURSE OF THE CRIMSON CORSAIR, written by original series editor Len Wein and with art by original series colorist John Higgins. There will also be a single issue, BEFORE WATCHMEN: EPILOGUE, featuring the work of various writers and artists, and a CRIMSON CORSAIR story by Wein and Higgins.

Darwyn Cooke! J.G. Jones! Jae Lee! Lee Bermejo! TWO motherfuckin’ Kuberts!!! Sheeee-it, son!! Even Micro-nuts himself, Ian, is bound to be down with Cooke, Amanda Conner and Adam Hughes on board!

I’m in, DC. Don’t fuck it up. EVERYBODY’S Watching…

– Nuv

Nuv: I commissioned Romita Jr. to do ten prints of you getting kill-fucked by the shit-monster from Weird Science (aka Bill Paxton) your mom (aka Bill Paxton). They’re being hung up on your wall high enough so you can’t reach them (6″ off the ground) as we speak.

Ian: Ian intro (done) Nuv wasting time and air (yep) and: Let’s do this!

Arthur “Art” Adams – Scarlet Witch

Ian: With an ever-changing sense of design, Art Adams has been an innovator in the comics industry since the mid-eighties. While a lot of his contemporaries (Rob Liefeld, Erik Larsen, etc.) fell into the trap of sticking to the ridiculously outdated look of the 1990’s, Adams paid tribute to pin-up artists of the past while pioneering his own style and producing some of the most beautiful cover work in comics today. Case in point, Wanda’s extraordinary rack from the cover of Avengers: The Children’s Crusade No. 3. Yowza!

Stanley “Artgerm” Lau – Mina Harker

Ian: According to Artgerm’s deviantArt, he did this sketch of Mina Harker (from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) at five in the morning in 45 minutes. If that doesn’t blow your mind, nothing will. Also, Mina Harker is my second-favourite character in Alan Moore’s best work (coming in just behind Captain Nemo). What do you got to say about that, Nuv “Pubegerm” Takhar?

Nuv: Nothing much. I won’t mention that a LOT of characters cum in just behind you. No need. My next choice will piss you off on enough levels all by itself…

Frank Quitely – Alan Moore

Nuv: The weird Wiccan writer responsible for arguably the greatest works in the medium, (Watchmen, The Killing Joke, his beard) as depicted by one of the most consistently original, amazing and innovative artists in the medium. From his unique figures to his detailed structures to the interesting framing and masterful pacing of his panel-to-panel storytelling, Frank Quitely is quite frankly 14,000 times the man Ian will ever be. And that’s just in height!

Chris Samnee – Daredevil

Ian: I love Chris Samnee and I love Daredevil and I hate Nuv, and therefore I love this picture. BOOM! DESCRIPTION DONE! In all seriousness though, no one working in the industry can touch what Chris Samnee can do with two-tone, two-dimensional images. Everything he draws is visually unique and this piece (a commission, I think) is no exception.

Cliff Chiang – Felicia Book

Ian: Cliff Chiang’s variant cover for American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest No. 1 is the kind of thing that gets fanboys in a lot of trouble. Generally I steer clear of variants, but this is the kind of image that’ll send a man trolling eBay like he’s Nuv in a tranny shop, and spending more money than he should. And it doesn’t help that vampire hunter Felicia Book is possibly the best character in the whole series.

Cliff Chiang – The DC Runaways

Nuv: “Hello Daddy, Hello Mom!” Cliff reimagines some of DC’s super heroines as the teen-rebel girl group, The Runaways. Also rad? He gets to draw one of them (Wonder Woman) monthly in her ongoing series. It’s less 70s, but no less bad-ass. Cherry!

Rafael Albuquerque – American Vampire 1955

Nuv: The first Rafael on this list, but not the last! Albuquerque’s been a BEAST on AV from day one, but my love of the 1950s made these two covers grab a stake and carve a special place in my heart. Stay gold, Rafael, stay gold.

Darwyn Cooke – Sue Storm

Ian: It probably took Darwyn Cooke less than five minutes to complete this convention sketch, but if he had one, I’d probably give Nuv’s left nut to own it. So that’s how THAT goes.

Francis Manapul – Wonder Woman

Ian: I already wish Manapul was on a book that I cared about and this image just makes it all the worse. As much as I love his art on The Flash, I care about the character about as much as I care about Nuv (not at all) and I’d much rather see him working on something else. For example, how does a guy draw a Wonder Woman pin-up THIS AMAZING and not get handed that book outright?

Nuv: Uhh, ’cause Cliff Chiang’s already killing it on that book. And ’cause Flash is consistently amazing with Manapul at the helm. I think the real question is: how do some people look directly at you without puking outright?!

Ian: Spoken like a true dickhead, Nuv. Touché.

Dustin Harbin – Tyrannosaurus Bats!

Nuv: I purchased Harbin’s “Behold! The Dinosaurs!” for my daughter’s bedroom, and this is the first print that’s gonna go up on my next kid’s wall. Harbin’s art gives me the same feeling I used to get reading Calvin & Hobbes. Spiff!

Andrew Hou – Wolverine

Nuv: Shee-it, we got mo’ dinosaurs than a MU’FUCKER ’round here, pa’tner! This shit is crack to anyone who used to be a 5 year old boy. And choosing to just show the before and after, leaving the actual battle to the imagination? Well played, Andrew!

Henrik Sahlstrom – Lobster Johnson

Ian: Who in the hell is Henrik Sahlstrom? I don’t know either but I hope he makes the CEO’s from Marvel, DC, Dark Horse and Image fist-fight each other to secure his services.

JC Richard – Fortress of Solitude

Nuv: A classy widescreen presentation of Superman’s home in the North Pole, with a barely perceptible red, blue and yellow streak flying off in the upper right corner. Fool them adult motherfuckers with this tasteful, minimalist painting, a grown-up way to display your childish tastes.

Ian: Your mom’s a widescreen presentation.

Jock – Hanna Promo Posters

Ian: I’ve never been very impressed with Jock as an interior artist, but his covers are consistently amazing and so, it would seem, is his corporate ad-work. I loved the movie Hanna, and when I saw that Jock had done a series of Hanna-inspired promo posters, well, like I wish Nuv would do next time he’s near a window, I flipped right out. Great stuff!

Nuv: Nobody’s ever been very impressed with Ian’s jock.

Dan McDaid – Michael Jackson

Nuv: The funk of forty thousand years, bitches! I did a fuckin’ high kick just like Michael when I first laid eyes on this pop masterpiece. (Too bad Ian wasn’t standing in for the other lead in this piece.) McDaid is the correct answer to the question “Who’s Bad?!”

Eric Canete – Luke Cage

Nuv: Sweet Christmas! Ian lost a bet and had to be nice to me for a week. It happened to be a week where he would be attending a comic convention that the inimitable Eric Canete was also attending. BOOM: signed print of Luke Cage fighting three tigers like a BOSS. Paid for by Ian. Enjoyed by Nuv.

Phil Noto – Jean Grey

Ian: Phil Noto is a modern great. Every comic book cover (and interior) he does is extraordinary and I’d honestly buy just about anything he put pencil to. He also maintains two awesome Tumblr pages (1 and 2) where he regularly posts new images that will inspire you to either a) become a better artist or b) quit drawing forever. Why? Because Phil Noto is the king.

Phil Noto – Super(Mad)Man

Nuv: Noto does indeed wield his pencil with an iron fist. I’ve always dug this pic, portraying Mad Men’s Jon Hamm as a commanding, stern-but-just Man of Steel. Anyone who’s heard this dream casting call (including Noto, apparently) agrees that it’s a perfect fit. Like Ian’s mouth and peens.

Ian: And like Nuv’s neck and a noose.

Sam Wolfe Connelly – Nightcrawler

Ian: Sam Wolfe Connelly has a style that will immediately remind you of James Jean and Joao Ruas. You guys, I’m talking about gorgeous graphite and digital colour works! He also has a habit of using Marvel characters as his subjects, which pretty much makes him a genius. Love this Nightcrawler? I knew you would! For more examples, check out his Captain America and Wolverine pieces! Holy smokes!

Rafael Grampa – Batman

Ian: Rafael #2! His last name is fuckin’ GRAMPA! And like most Grampas everything he does is tougher than anything you’ll EVER do. Now get off his damn lawn! Damn kids.

Kagan McLeod – The History of Hip Hop

Nuv: Kagan not only put together the tome of amazingness that is infinite Kung Fu, he not only illustrated a flyer for the Toronto Ghostface Killer show last year that belongs in a fucking museum, he not only seduced your woman with his pen and slapped your little brother with his deadly art hand, he also constructed THE GREATEST POSTER OF ALL TIME! The History of Hip Hop is exactly that: edutainment in the form of the headshots of 469 (!!!) rap icons on one side, facts and recommended listening for every one of ‘em on the reverse, and supreme quality to match the sheer quantity. It ACTUALLY might be bigger than Hip Hop, word to Dead Prez! Kagan was nice enough to sell me a few (so I could frame both sides) AND he even threw in a few extra for YOU crumbs, just ’cause he’s Nicer than Pete! You want one? Here’s how…

All you gotta do is comment below with your own hip hop history. Tell us who the first rapper you remember hearing was, and the one song of theirs you recommend. The first three mofos to do so, WIN THE POSTER FREE OF CHARGE*. Ready, set, SKIP IAN’S PARAGRAPH!
*shipping not included

Ian: Well that’s it for now! But don’t worry folks, my folder of awesome comic book art is huge and my predilection for not writing real articles in a timely manner will ensure that we’ll have plenty more art shows as the year goes on. Think of it as the Review 2 a Kill equivalent of a sitcom clip-show. Except, you know, not sucky to the max.

Put two in the air!

– Ian

Five word reviews! GO!

Batwoman – Painful delays, amazing as expected.

Infinite Vacation – Started awesome, now genital mutilation.

5 Ronin – Pointless. Pointless, pointless, pointless. Pointless.

American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest – Made our 2011 best list!

The Rocketeer Adventures - Cooke issue awesome. Rest, meh.

Wonder Woman (pre-DC New 52) – Boycotted over offensive pants-wearing.

Okay, so I was two for six at the start of 2011. Maybe this year will be better? No! Not maybe! DEFINITELY! There’s a whole truck-load of awesome books slated by all the major publishers and it’s only January. I don’t want to jinx it, but we could well be looking at the best year in comics OF ALL TIME. So check it out! My list of stuff I’m looking forward to in the Year of the Mayan Apocalypse.

Avengers vs. X-Men (Marvel)

This twelve-issue miniseries should rule the Marvel universe. Well, two thirds of it will. If I done my math learnin’ right, 12 issues divided by 3 artists means that 4 issues will suck nuts courtesy of John Romita Jr. The other eight, drawn by Olivier Coipel and Adam Kubert, should more than make up for it. Marvel has always been the publisher to assemble great writing teams for their big events, and you can’t get any bigger than Brian Michael Bendis, Jason Aaron, Jonathan Hickman, Ed Brubaker and Matt Fraction. How five dudes can write twelve comics, I don’t know (likely there will be spin-offs) but this series should be good summer entertainment for sure.

Conan the Barbarian: Queen of the Black Coast (Dark Horse)

I’ve never really cared about Conan in movie or comic form but as far as I can tell this book is going to be a big fat extension of the soon-to-be cancelled Northlanders, so rock on! From Demo to Local to DMZ to Northlanders, it’s pretty obvious that Brian Wood (who was an astounding writer to begin with) is getting better and better all the time. Same goes for artist Becky Cloonan. At a scheduled 25-issue run, Queen of the Black Coast is an impressive project and Dark Horse can expect my $3.50 for the next two years NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

Fairest (Vertigo)

If Adam Hughes is doing the cover, there’s already a good chance I’ll buy whatever you’re hawking. Fairest, the newest (and by the sound of it, best) Fables spin-off is kicking off in March with Bill Willingham on the words and Phil Jimenez on the doodles. Jimenez is capable of veering away from his own 1990’s style, and if he does it with this book it’ll be great. If not, oh well, I’ll still buy it because it’s Willingham’s Fables. And because it centers on the women of the Fables universe, which has always been the strongest part of the main title. I liked the idea of a book that focuses on Snow and Rose and the gang when the rumours started kicking around last year and now that the release date is fast approaching I’m downright STOKED.

Fatale (Image)

I’ve read and loved some of Brubaker and Sean Phillips stuff (ie Incognito) but took a pass on other books people swore were the greatest (ie Criminal) so I was kinda on the fence about Fatale. Then the first issue come out last week with an octopus-headed, tommy gun-wielding gangster on the cover. After that I was fish-hooked. Pulp and horror smooshed together? I just can’t quit you Bru! Count me in!

Hellboy in Hell (Dark Horse)

Hellboy’s continuity on earth is done, but that doesn’t mean his creator Mike Mignola is out of stories. Hellboy is going to Hell and what’s even radder is that Mignola himself will be making a triumphant return to the art duties. Duncan Fegredo is great, but you just can’t beat Mike the Man. Hellboy in Hell is one of my most anticipated new books this year and I can’t wait to get the first issue in my grubby little hands.

The Massive (Dark Horse)

I just can’t stop being stoked about this book. On January 18th Dark Horse Presents #8 is scheduled for release and will feature the first of a three-part introduction to The Massive. The new title, a regular series scheduled to start in April, is the latest collaboration between Brian Wood and Kristian Donaldson (Supermarket, DMZ) and holy pants! just check out the blurb wouldja?

“Set in a post-war, post-crash, post-disaster, post-everything world – the environmental action trawler Kapital scours the earth’s oceans for its missing sister ship The Massive, while struggling to redefine its core mission. What does it mean to be an environmentalist after the world’s already ended?”

I haven’t been so stoked about the environment since I joined the Green Party in university so I could hang out with pretty leftist girls!

Mouse Guard: The Black Axe (Archaia)

The only comic I make a point of buying as a collected hardcover (as opposed to single-issues) is David Petersen’s Mouse Guard series. Like most of Archaia’s books, the monthlies are weird sized and have to go on a bookshelf anyway, so why not have them collected in a nice hardcover edition? Plus, Petersen takes so much time crafting each issue that my old brain can’t remember what happened in the one before. Anyway, The Black Axe prequel is halfway through its six-issue run and hopefully I can rook some schmuck into buying it for me for Christmas next year!

Saga (Image)

I didn’t get on board with Y: The Last Man and I’ve pretty much regretted it ever since. Like the worst regret of my life (other than agreeing to write for Nuv, of course). Well it’s redemption time baby! Writer Brian K. Vaughn is making his triumphant return to comics in March and the lovely and talented Fiona Staples has hitched her artistic wagon to his star for Saga, a sci-fi series that might just be the best thing released in 2012. Apparently it’s gonna be a book in the Star Wars ballpark, a sci-fi opera about two soldiers (He has horns! She has wings!) who attempt to raise a baby in the middle of an intergalactic civil war. Anyone who’s read this column knows I use the word epic incorrectly all the time, but the scope of this comic really fits the word. I want it right now!

Well there you have it folks, my 8 picks for 2012. But shouldn’t it be 12 for 2012 or at least a Top 10? And where are the DC New 52 books I claimed to love so much in your last article? Well the answer to your first question is “Blossom’s former drug-addict brother Tony!” and the answer to your second question is “Napa auto parts.” In summation, only two of my picks are from the Big Two publishers, so expect next year’s wrap up to include a lot of swearing about late books.

Until next time America, put one in the air!

– Ian

Trent Reznor/Karen O – Immigrant Song
(Nine Inch Nails + Yeah Yeah Yeahs) x Led Zeppelin = The rest of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack could be a foot coming out of the speaker to kick my nuts and I’m still buying it!

Mac Lethal – Pancake Rap
Two of our favourite things ever (pancakes and rap) join forces to make the most “FUCK YEAH!” moment on the internets

Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks/Dubstep (Butch Clancy Remix) starring Marquese “Fuck Physics!” Scott
I was convinced my eyes were liars. I could not even BELIEVE this shit. You won’t either, but just watch. All in one take, all in direct defiance of the natural laws of earth and science and shit. Black magic. Bananas. Bonkers. I have not been this blown away by what a motherfucker can do with his feet since MJ. All Hail Marquese, The Anti-Gravity Man!

Louis CK Live At The Beacon Theater Outtakes
Louis CK is the funniest sonofabitch out there right now, for realsies! If you haven’t seen his TV show, you’re missing the fuck out!! Also, he just released a comedy special exclusively on his site for $5 download (or stream). Support a true talent and go buy that shit.

Pitchfork Presents: Danny Brown & Joker – Head For Free
On the one hand: 50 didn’t sign Danny Brown because of what he looked like. Based off the hair you might think he made the right call. When he first opens his mouth, you’ll see his teeth (or lack thereof) and think your (and 50’s) first instinct was correct. When some sound starts to make it past the teeth though, you’ll realize: you’re looking at the future of rap. Sometimes the best gifts come wrapped in FUCKED UP packages. On the other hand: UK producer Joker is decidedly normal looking and still the fuckin’ TRUTH! Here’s what happens when you put them hands together…

Pitchfork Presents: Frames (Starring Big Boi)
Daddy Fat Stacks recounts a particularly crazy night in the life of OutKast, and then Dan Meth animates it.

Bellflower
This film “tells the story of two guys who build flamethrowers (I’m already in) and other weapons (double down!) in the hope that a global apocalypse (yup!) will occur and clear the way for their imaginary gang” (!!!)

Submarine
Yeah, yeah. It’s another one of “those.” Quirky coming-of-age dramedies. Seen one you seen ‘em all, right? NOPE! Don’t be a movie bigot! Give a film a chance, y’all! Or at least boycott it for not taking place entirely underwater. Or something else that hides your prejudices.

Rampart
Woddy Harrelson as a maybe-crooked, definitely-over-the-top cop in late 90s (read: post-riot) L.A. But I had you at “Woody Harrelson,” didn’t I?

For God And Country by Matt Fraction & Nathan Fox
A split screen comic following Osama Bin Laden in the last moments of his life in parallel with the soldier that killed him. Click the pic to read the comic at GQ.com

Project X
So this one pretty much looks like your average night at R2AK HQ…

I Melt WIth You
Thomas Jane AND Jeremy Piven?! Shitdamn!! We’ve been Piven fans since PCU around here. His involvement and the subject matter give this a very Very Bad Things vibe. Which is very good…

Crappy Cartoon Opening Credits: Die-Cut Glossy 90s Edition (Featuring WildC.A.T.S., Youngblood and Ultraforce)
Ass to ass to ass!

Spiked Fuckin’ Bat (BOOOWWW!!): Ghostface Killah Talks Sports

Speakin’ Of The Devil (Psych): Kagan McLeod’s Ghostface Killah Flyer
The show’s already happened (both here in Vancouver and in Toronto) but you can relive all the Eagle-wristed glory by drooling over this sick-ass flyer by the homey Kagan McLeod. Ridicu-tarded!!

Yo, Kagan ain’t even through with you pooh-butts yet, yo! If you ain’t seen his History of Rap poster, well then you ain’t seen shee-it!! Go buy one. Or two like I did so you can display the edutaining backside, full of rap facts and recommended listening for the 469 (!) hip hop icons depicted on the front. Or you can roll the die and see if you’re one of the lucky few to win one of the copies Mr. McLeod was kind enough to donate to R2AK. More details on that in January, which is around when I plan to stop drooling over them motherfuckers…

Shabazz Palaces – Black Up
Best of the year lists the world (wide web) over are shitting themselves over Shabazz Palaces (a/k/a the smooth-as-fuck/emerging from a decade of radio silence MC extraordinaire, “Butterfly” Ish from Digable Planets!) Aurally, this is on some weird ‘if-Radiohead-made-rap’ shit. Visually, it’s on some stunningly abstract, avant grade shit. Lookie here…

BONUS: R2AK ENCORE PRESENTATIONS

Parker: Martini Edition
Ian talks about this in his Xmas Wish List column from earlier this week, and Nuv has reiterated that it’s at the top of his list too. Just look at that fucking cover! (Click to enlarge.) If looks could kill we’d be some daisy-pushin’ motherfuckers right now. Oh hell, Darwyn Cooke is cooler than a polar bear’s toenails! Buy it. Then give it to us!

Jy Harris & Doug Graves (a/k/a <3 Humans)in Rawk-n-Cawk
Meet Shock Jocks DJ Dan Apex & The Human Zoo, Dale…

A. Vice – X-Miss
Happy Holidays, Ho-Ho-Hoes!

- R2AK

The Marvelous Land of Oz & Ozma of Oz by Eric Shanower and Skottie Young

I tend to veer away from children’s comics (and children in general) unless there’s something in it for me. I really enjoyed Thor: The Mighty Avenger because of Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee, and because it was well written for people of all ages, and beautifully illustrated. Same goes for Shanower and Young’s adaptations of L. Frank Baum’s Oz series. There aren’t a lot of collections out there that I consider perfect, but 2009’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz is just that. Whimsical, clever, scary, adorable and perfect. So Santa, if you’re listening, I’ll take the next two in hardcover please!

Batman: The Black Mirror by Scott Snyder, Jock and Francesco Francavilla

Way back in November of 2010, Scott Snyder and Jock kicked off their highly praised 10-issue run on Detective comics. Every month a new issue would come out and every month I’d think to myself “I should be buying this book.” Well, woulda-coulda-shoulda but ultimately didn’t. Fast forward to now where I’ve got this ridiculous man-crush on Snyder thanks to his current Batman run and now I want to read every Batman book he’s ever written. Luckily DC has released a very nice hardcover compilation of Snyder’s run called Batman: The Black Mirror and it’s at the very top of my Christmas list. In fact, I’d say I want it even more than Nuv wants that Baywatch Mitch Buchannon 12″ David Hasselhoff doll.

Richard Stark’s Parker: The Martini Edition by Darwyn Cooke

If you love Darwyn Cooke so much, why don’t you marry him? Well maybe I would have if Marsha hadn’t beaten me to the punch all those years ago! REGARDLESS, I have the first two Parker books on my bookshelf already (The Hunter and The Outfit) but that doesn’t stop me from wanting the oversized slipcover collection sittin’ up proud on my shelf beside my oversized slipcover of DC: The New Frontier. I’ve been good all year, fat man!

Beasts of Burden by Evan Dorkin and Jill Thompson

Sure Dorkin used to get a stocking full of coal every year for his half-assed attempts at porn comics and his perpetually shit-talkin’ Milk and Cheese comics, but lately I’ll bet he’s been getting some nice schwag. Why? Because he teamed up with Jill Thompson and they created the cutest series ever! Brave puppies who investigate paranormal phenomenon! Could you just die?! I first read a Beasts of Burden story when they teamed up with Hellboy in a Dark Horse one-shot last year. Now I want to read all of their awesome adventures!

Supermarket by Brian Wood and Kristian Donaldson

I’ve never read this book by Wood and Donaldson, but I’ve loved everything else they’ve ever done together, so why not this? Also, I’m over-the-moon with the announcement of their newest collaboration The Massive, so I really want to play catch-up and check out Supermarket before the first of The Massive prequels hit in Dark Horse Presents #8.  Brian Wood, you’re the greatest and may the executives at DC / Vertigo receive a great big box of JACK SQUAT for Christmas for cancelling Northlanders and showing you the door. We’ll show ‘em Bri.  We’ll show ‘em.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill

I’m pretty much in the same boat as anyone who thinks Alan Moore has lost it completely. I mean Jesus the Birthday Boy, what a grumpy old curmudgeon. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t write some great comic books back in the day. I’ve read the first two League of Extraordinary Gentlemen graphic novels half a dozen times and despite the fact that they’re a couple of my favourite books of all time, I’ve still never owned my own copies. That needs to be rectified! This Christmas! Anyone?!

Anyhoo, that’s my list! Until next time friends!

– Ian

Santa Claus image courtesy of the ridiculously talented Robb Mommaerts

ANYWAY, I think I’ll take a week and think about the new stuff I’d like to see on my bookshelf before the end of the year and get back to you folks next week. As for THIS WEEK, I’m going to help you guys out. You know how you always end up getting a novelty scarf or some other dumb shit because somebody asked you what you wanted under the tree and you blanked hard? Well forget that! Here’s a quick summary of books you should ask for. Print it out! Keep it in your front pants pocket!

Bat-Manga! by Chip Kidd

I know I’ve said a thousand times that I can’t stand manga or the people who like it. So what is this yuletide hypocrisy?! Well, for those that ain’t hip, Bat-Manga! is a rad-ass compilation of late-1960’s Batman stories FROM JAPAN! They’re totally awesome! The creator Jiro Kuwata basically decided that Batman’s rogue’s gallery wouldn’t fly with Japanese audiences, so he made up a bunch of bat-shit crazy new villains for him to fight. You get to see Robin say stuff like “Lord Death Man came back to life using secret yoga tricks…” and the margins have awesome facts like “At the turn of the Meiji Era, all kinds of watermelons were brought in from America, and their prices dropped because they became so abundant.” I guess these were included to make comics seem more educational to parents and teachers? Even the art is unique and not the derivative crap you see in every single manga book everywhere now. AMAZING!

Batman: Ego by Darwyn Cooke

This just wouldn’t be an Explosivo list if it didn’t feature at least one Darwyn Cooke book. Not many people own Batman: Ego and that’s a serious problem. Wanna know why Cooke intends to spend years drawing a comic about Parker, a character no one under 50 cares about? Because he’s just not getting enough love for his superhero comics. Like Nuv’s claims of heterosexuality, that last fact probably isn’t true. What is true is that Batman: Ego is an amazing little compilation of Cooke’s Batman / Catwoman work which also features a story he wrote that Tim Sale illustrated! The book also happens to feature one of my favourite Caped Crusader minis of all time: Deja Vu.

I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets! by Fletcher Hanks

Speaking of effed up old comics, you’d have to search long and hard for a weirder book than Fletcher Hanks’ I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets. In the early days of comic strips, Hanks created a whole pack of bizarre heroes like Stardust, Big Red and Fantomah and turned them loose on the cowards, Nuvs and crooks of the world. The capers are preposterous for sure, but it’s the punishments doled out by the heroes that are truly outrageous. People get their heads thrown into space, some get locked in a cave with cobras, others are turned into people-sicles and melted to death. Strange stuff from the frontiers of comics and definitely worth owning, if only to weird out your friends.

Mouse Guard: Fall 1152 and Winter 1152 by David Petersen

Not to be confused with The Mice Templar, which is a rip-off of Mouse Guard, which is a rip-off of Redwall whose author, Brian Jacques is himself a huge rip-off of Patrick Stewart. You can always find David Petersen’s first two hardcover collections on Amazon for a great price, and that’s what you should tell the people who are buying you presents in order to make them do your bidding. This comic series is awesome and features brave (and adorable!) mice doing awesome stuff like fighting owls and trying not to starve/freeze to death. It’s super sweet and Petersen is a great artist, even if he’s a jerk to people who try to chat with him at airports.

Wednesday Comics by Everyone!

Wednesday Comics was one of the best ideas DC ever had. A weekly newspaper-strip style comic that featured the who’s who of writers and artists working on the who’s who of characters. The only thing that was kinda wack was the fragile newspaper format, but that was also a big part of the charm. But then guess what? The good folks at DC compiled all 12 issues into a super-oversized hardcover collection that really showcases the great art and vibrant colours that kinda got muddied down on the newsprint. Anyway, Hawkman fighting a T-Rex is enough to make the book worthwhile by itself. Make other people buy this for you!

So yes, it’s a short list but it’s dynamite! Basically my ultimate goal for you is to make your graphic novel shelf look as awesome as mine. Forcing your loved ones to buy you these books is a great start.

Until next week chums!

– Ian

Here’s the downside though, I’ve spent so much time setting it up with shamelessly pirated legally purchased software and getting it to the point where I can even write an article that I’ve cut it WAY too close to deadline time. So what better way to deal with the situation that to just talk some smack. Like those worthless Social Studies classes we all had to take in high school, it’s time for CURRENT EVENTS YOU GUYS!

Well, Thor: The Mighty Thor just wrapped up its first six-issue arc and gosh darn it, what an incredible half-year of comics from Mr. Matt Fraction and Msr. Olivier Coipel! I was all prepared to cancel the title because, really, like there will ever be a run that good again but then Sir Nuv the Wangless piped up and reminded me that Pascual Ferry was resuming his art duties. Keep in mind this is the man who once said that if your Thor art “can’t be airbrushed onto the side of a van, you’re doing it wrong.”

Moving on, X-Men: Schism sucks so far despite what you might have heard from Nuv the imbecile. Hey, I really like Jason Aaron too, but this comic is so corporate-agenda that I truly don’t care what happens in its aftermath. That said, I’ll probably be picking up Wolverine and the X-Men because I’m a huge hypocrite.

I finally finished reading Darwyn Cooke’s Parker: The Outfit and while I found it as enjoyable as The Hunter – and every bit as awesome to look at – I gotta say that I’d rather Cooke wrap it up rather than continue with it for a couple more years. Initially I was stoked about the four-book project, but after seeing his short story in The Rocketeer a couple of months back I gotta say I’m restless to see Cooke draw some action and adventure again. Well, that’s one man’s opinion so WHATEVER!

Anyway, I swore that I’d never buy another Spider-Man comic ever again because I was BORED and I’d read every Spider-Man comic I ever wanted to read for the rest of my life. But then comes the announcement that Joe Madureira is gonna draw the upcoming Avenging Spider-Man. BOOM! PULLED!

Did I already write about this in the column? I can’t remember but if I haven’t I should have.

You think you’re bad at e-mail? I wrote to Nicholas Gurewitch of the HILARIOUS Perry Bible Fellowship to congratulate him on winning an Harvey Award and basically told him how much I’d been enjoying his stuff. Last week he wrote me back and said thanks and whatnot. Where things get weird is where I sent my original e-mail almost THREE YEARS to the date before the response came. That cat must get a LOT of e-mail…

Guess what! Last week I finally decided to get rid of my four-issue set of Mark Millar’s Nemesis. Oh, it ain’t your fault Steve McNiven, it’s the crap-ass story you had to draw. Millar really caught my attention with Superman: Red Son, but it’s been all downhill since then. What are you gonna do?

Well folks, that about wraps it up. My new keyboard is taking some getting used to and I still have a LONG way to go before everything is running smoothly. Stick around though! Review 2 a Kill is gearing up for a SHOCKING EXPOSÉ on DC’s New 52 starting NEXT WEEK! Until then kill time by checking out 52 Pickup, the New 52 preview we did a while back.

OCTOBER-ER-ER-ER! BE THERE-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER! NUV SUCKS-UCKS-UCKS-UCKS!

– Ian

Counter-Facepunch!

‘Sup mooks? Nuv here with some last minute headlines… This just in: Image Comics has followed DC’s lead and gone day-and-date digital. DC just released an update for their app that makes it even radder. Meanwhile, Marvel’s still trying to not be a copycat and getting left in the digi-dust. While they’re doing it in little trickles DC’s Peter North-ing their faces! And now Image is about to join the bukake.

In other news: X-Men: Schism #5 is on sale tomorrow. If you waded through the murky waters and poor writing up above my portion quickly wash your eyes with lukewarm water. Next: ignore what you read up there. Jason Aaron’s killing it with Schism, and it all comes to a head here in the main event: Wolverine vs Cyclops. Ian smells like restraining order. We now return you to your regularly scheduled GETTHEFUCKOUTTAHERE!!

– Nuv

(Nuv, find those old-school MS Works firework effects for my name or I quit. – Ian)

Aw man, if you guys only knew! I wrote the first part of this article months ago and since then Nuv put my ass on the same probation that DC has Kevin Smith on. Namely, if I didn’t give him the second part up front, he’d make sure the first part was shot and buried behind the barn. Well I had to get the second part done because I think we all know how awesome that first part was. Amirite? Anyway, I wrote the last one all goofed on CIL Dulux semi-gloss so it may have lacked some of the literary integrity you’ve come to expect from this fine site. But if perchance you liked the last part, happy day, more of the same!

Let’s continue!

IMMORTAL IRON FIST #1-16 • Writers: Ed Brubaker / Matt Fraction (but mostly Fraction) • Artist: David Aja

The history of Iron Fist comics is one of mass humiliation. And for the foreseeable future, it seems as though Marvel is set on reverting Danny Rand to his past embarrassments. Have you seen his new white and gold uniform? It’s like, oh my god. But let me hip you kids to something you might NOT have known! Back in ’06 Marvel handed the character over to a young pup named Matt Fraction, slapped Ed Brubaker’s name on the front cover so people would actually buy the thing, and lo and behold! One of the best runs OF ALL TIME was born. I frigging love this book and when I first thought of writing this article, it was the first set of comics I added to the list.

MARVEL 1602 #1-8 • Writer: Neal Gaiman • Artist: Andy Kubert

If sci-fi / fantasy was the Wu-Tang Clan, Neal Gaiman would be Ol’ Dirty Bastard and by that I mean THE BEST OF THEM ALL. If you haven’t read American Gods or Neverwhere, you just don’t know what time it is. By that token, you should probably pick up a copy of Marvel 1602 which is written by Gaiman and is therefore unrivalled in its greatness! Basically in this story the mutants didn’t manifest their powers in the ‘60s or whatever bullshit. No, they manifested them during the Elizabethan-era Inquisition. AWKWARD! Anyway, what follows is probably the best superhero story involving basically every superhero that matters in the Marvel Universe. Get it!

MARVEL MYTHOS #1-6 • Writer: Paul Jenkins (not to be confused with this guy) • Artist: Paolo Rivera

I’m a sucker for origin comics, but only origin comics that have something new and fresh to say. Sure, this series was originally designed to “bridge the gap” between comics and the movies for new kids on the block, but Jenkins and Rivera didn’t let that stop them from making six extraordinary one-shots that tell you everything you need to know. Each issue deals with one character, so by owning the whole set (like I do, because I rule) you get to learn about the only history that matters: The Hulk, Ghost Rider, Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, X-Men and Captain America.

NEW AVENGERS #1-7 • Writer: Brian Michael Bendis • Artist: Stuart Immonen

Man, I do a lot of kidding around that Bendis has lost his goddamn mind and who knows, maybe he has? How else do you explain the Ultimate comics? But when the man gets it right, he gets it right. Case in point: The second volume of New Avengers that started way back in 2010. Simply put, it’s the greatest. A perfect mix of dialogue and action, character development, funny parts and sad parts too. Christ, even Squirrel Girl rules. And the art? Let’s just say that if Stuart Immonen ran for Prime Minister in the next election, I’d vote for his Canadian ass based on drawing merit alone. AMAZING!

NORTHLANDERS #1-8, 20 • Writer: Brian Wood • Artist: Davide Gianfelice

Nuv always makes fun of me for liking Davide Gianfelice, but you know what? The man’s pencils are so fluent and the evolution of his style is so fun to watch I even followed him through the tedium of Greek Street. (BTW, fool me twice Milligan…can’t get fooled again.) Brian Wood has really rocked my world with Northlanders as a whole, but the first arc Sven the Returned is so astoundingly good it probably ranks as my favourite set of comics of all time. I’m that serious about Nuv being that wrong!

ROCKETEER ADVENTURES #2 • Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

The rest of this list is gonna feature more than a couple of Darwyn Cooke comics, but this issue of Rocketeer that came out last month was everything I expected it to be. I was already a huge fan of the whole aesthetic of The Rocketeer, so when I heard Cooke was going to be doing a story I basically lost my mind. And man did he ever deliver! He put Betty in the goddamn suit! Do you know what that means to me you guys?! Everything!

SHAZAM: THE MONSTER SOCIETY OF EVIL #1-4 • Writer/Artist: Jeff Smith

I generally don’t like “kids comics” because I generally don’t like “kids”. And I didn’t really like Jeff Smith’s magnum opus Bone because it was “waaaaay too long”, “a chore to read” and “boring” (I’m quoting myself here). But Shazam is the bees knees for a lot of reasons! It’s basically the opposite of Bone. Fun and engaging, great art, and a great story for kids that doesn’t pander. SHAZAM!

THE SPIRIT #1-14 • Writer: Darwyn Cooke • Artists: Darwyn Cooke / J. Bone

You know you’re doing something special when you take DC’s more boring property and make it something worth reading AND collecting. Seriously, the whole premise of Denny Colt and his dumb resurrection is so hopelessly Will Eisner I can hardly stand it. And I know it’s a crime to rip on Will Eisner but his stories were so boring and miserable (and kinda racist) when you read them you just want to throw yourself down a well. Anyway, this isn’t about Will Eisner, it’s about Darwyn Cooke and how he made fourteen of the best comic books I own.

THOR: THE MIGHTY AVENGER #1-8 • Writer: Roger Langridge • Artist: Chris Samnee

Nobody read this comic because nobody knew if it was a kids comic or not. Then it got cancelled and everyone got into an uproar about how DC doesn’t care about anything but the bottom line (and, of course, their well publicized inter-office orgies). That’s how it goes I guess. I’m just stoked there were eight full issues worked on by two dudes who clearly cared a lot about what they were doing. The result was that each stand alone story was a real treat.

WOLVERINE AND DOOP #1-2 • Writer: Peter Milligan • Artist: Darwyn Cooke

A super cute two-part mystery involving a weirdo alien and a grumpy X-Man. Well they’re solving some case involving a pink lady and blah, blah, blah, I guess Peter Milligan used to know how to write comics even if he’s long since forgotten how. And Darwyn is Darwyn.

Anyway, that’s it! Sure if my apartment ever caught fire I’d probably go down in flames trying to stuff them all into that one short-box, but at least I’d have a pretty good idea of what I was packing. Peace out everybody!

– Ian

HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED. I was thinking about all my awesome comics, looking at my short boxes all wistful like “Oh, I love you SO MUCH short boxes full of awesome comics!” And that’s when the most awful thought that EVER CROSSED MY MIND crossed my mind. What if I could only keep enough comics to fill one short box? For those keeping score at home that’s a mere 135 comic books. Now some of you will say “That’s a whole lot of comics!” which means some of you are completely CLUELESS!

Okay, wait. What? Here’s the keepers y’all!

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #1-5 • Writer: Scott Snyder / Stephen King • Artist: Rafael Albuquerque

God it’s hard to spell Albuquerque… Oh, hello there! Remember a year ago when I implored everyone to stop moaning about how they were sick of vampires, heed my words and buy a copy of American Vampire?  Well 14 issues in the series is still BALLS INCORPORATED. So good! But nothing beats the first five-issue arc. One thing is for damn sure: Snyder, King and Raffie’s dads could beat up your dads!

BATMAN: DARK VICTORY #0-13 • Writer: Jeph Loeb • Artist: Tim Sale

I own everything that Loeb and Sale have ever collaborated on. Even the stuff that super sucks. But if I had to pick just one set to fit in my box, it would be Dark Victory. I know that dumbass Nuv likes The Long Halloween better, but that’s only because it’s a direct rip-off of the Godfather movies which Nuv only likes because the Corleones get to make out with their cousins and nobody gets all judgy. Dark Victory, on the other hand, is probably the best thing to come out of the Loeb/Sale Awesome Alliance™. Jeph Loeb serves up a great story featuring the entire Batman rogues gallery and Tim Sale consistently turns in the best pencil work of his career. (Except for maybe Catwoman: When in Rome where he literally spends six whole issues drawing Selina Kyle in various states of undress. Meow!)

BATMAN: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE CAPED CRUSADER? #1-2 • Writer: Neal Gaiman • Artist: Andy Kubert

I’ve been a fan of Neil Gaiman’s fiction for a long time, so when I heard he was doing a two-part story on the possible deaths of Batman (as told by his friends and enemies) I had to have it. The only problem being that I didn’t even hear about it until my stupid co-worker at the time (guess who?) told me about it months after the issues had come and gone. Well long-story-short, after leaving a trail of broken bones and broken hearts I landed a set of my very own. Synopses: Batman is dead and everyone at his funeral has a different story about how it went down. Neat!

CATWOMAN #45 • Writer: Will Pfeifer • Artist: Pete Woods

I have the whole 83-issue run of Catwoman Vol. 3 and to be perfectly honest I haven’t really read ‘em. Well, I’ve read the Brubaker stuff. So why do I keep them around? Because the winsome Venus Toshiba gave them to me as a present and because I love Adam Hughes’ 39-issue cover run. Gorgeous stuff, but my all-time favourite cover was issue 45, which I was sure to tell the man himself that when I went all fanboy on his ass at Emerald City Comicon earlier this year. Sweet!

DAREDEVIL: HARDCORE #46-50 • Writer: Brian Michael Bendis • Artist: Alex Maleev

Bendis and Maleev’s epic stint on Daredevil made it the greatest ongoing superhero title ever published. Better than Frank Miller’s crusty old crap from the 80’s, better than anything seen before or since. And right smack in the middle of it comes the Hardcore storyline which, if you have any appreciation for the genre at all, is some of the greatest and grittiest crime fiction in comics. Matt Murdock has been outed as Daredevil to the whole world, so to make Matt go completely mental The Kingpin puts Typhoid Mary and Bullseye back in action. Matt completely loses his shit and kicks the living bejesus out of the both of them and carves a bullseye right into Bullseye’s forehead with a sharp ass piece of rock! Then to top it off he beats Kingpin half to death and declares himself the new King of Hell’s Kitchen. Oh, and in classic Matt Murdock fashion, he starts up a brand new relationship with the also-blind Milla Donovan (who would later become his wife) in what has to be the worst possible timing in the history of the character. GREAT, GREAT STUFF.

DETECTIVE COMICS (aka Batwoman) #854-860 + #0 • Writer: Greg Rucka • Artist: J.H. Williams III

We’ve written AT LENGTH about these eight comics, so basically if you didn’t love the Rucka & Williams’ run on Detective Comics back in 2009, I just don’t know what to tell you (about the fact you have NO TASTE WHATSOEVER). I don’t know why DC felt the need to jerk Rucka around to the point where he left the title altogether, but I’d rather have seven books of mind-blowing greatness than a great big run of mediocre stuff. Which, of course, wouldn’t have happened. WHY DC WHY!?? God damn it!!

DARWYN COOKE: SOLO #1 • Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

I know everybody gets all wooby-woo about the 12-issue Solo series, but honestly the only ones I really liked were the Tim Sale, Paul Pope and, of course, Darwyn Cooke issues. For those who don’t know, DC had a great idea in 2004 to give certain artists 48-pages (with no ads!) to do whatever they wanted. A super-cool concept that – like too many others – crashed right after it took off. Anyway, Darwyn Cooke’s issue is bookended by Slam Bradley and is packed full of autobiographical anecdotes, tough guys and foxy dames, contentious politics, pin-ups, mysteries, and one of the best Batman stories I’ve ever read. Oh, and if that isn’t enough, almost every part of the book is drawn in a different style. Brilliant!

DC: THE NEW FRONTIER #1-6 + Special • Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

This is the greatest superhero mini-series ever produced. DC didn’t want it, said Wonder Woman was too fat, basically tried to tell Cooke what to do and he was all “Bullshit to that!” If my apartment caught fire and I could only grab one set of comics before I bust through the window all ablaze like a TOTAL BAD-ASS, I’d grab my New Frontiers. Henry Rollins once said there’s nothing worse than realizing that you’re having the best moment of your life because it’s immediately followed by the realization that it’ll never be that good again. I kinda feel the same way about DC: The New Frontier and comics in general. I don’t feel that way about my relationship with Nuv though. Because it was never any good to begin with.

DAYTRIPPER #1-10 • Writers/Artists: Fabio Moon & Gabriel Ba

I wrote about this series about a year ago and the more I think about it, the more I love this book. I’ve really enjoyed the work done by the brothers Moon & Ba in the past (Casanova and The Umbrella Academy, for instance) but UNLIKE Nuv and I, the brothers are at their best when they’re working together. There are a lot of comics out there that you read once and file away, never to be seen again. This is not one of those comics. The story of Bras de Oliva Domingos’ life (and many possible deaths) is a really compelling one and no one is more surprised than me that it made the 135.

FANTASTIC FOUR: MARVEL KNIGHTS #1-7 • Writer: Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa • Artist: Steve McNiven

I’ve only ever mentioned this series once before because it came out in April 2004 and I wasn’t being extorted by Nuv to write columns back then. Actually DEADLY WICKED sites like this didn’t even exist back then, prompting bored and unfunny internet “surfers” to create stupid-ass pages like this. But I digress! Aguirre-Sacasa and McNiven’s opening seven issue run did for THIS READER what I never thought possible; it actually made me give a crap about the Fantastic Four. McNiven is basically perfect on the art (no surprise there) but it’s Aguirre-Sacasa’s story that really catches you off guard. There have been a lot of family-oriented stories in comics, but none told so truthfully and compellingly and not-lamely. It’s as though RA-S sat down and said “Forget everything that’s been written about this family before, I’m going to make it real.” And that’s what you get! An opening seven-issues so wholly satisfying that even if you dropped the title after the seventh issue (idiotic!), you’d still have something worth saving.

Anyway my paint-buzz is starting to wear off, leaving me in a state of fear and paranoia (why does my phone click every time I pick it up?!) So this is as good a time as any to end the first half of this article! Ten titles down, eleven to go! Part Two starts here. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

– Ian