That one theatrical journey happened to be the recent comic book adaptation, Red. Having not seen any of Robert Schwentke’s previous directorial features (other than the also mediocre Flightplan (2005)), I didn’t have any grand expectations of fantastic special effects, breathtaking action or riveting story. Lack of expectation is probably one of the few things that made Red watchable. It’s not that Red was a horrible movie by any standards, but I’m getting tired of people just going through the motions and calling it a movie. Movie and film have always been considered an art form, and no one is impressed when art is paint-by-numbers.

First, the story: Some people want to kill some people, so they have to run around and survive while figuring out the “who” and the “why”. Let’s throw in a conspiracy that isn’t very interesting or surprising, and an entirely unconvincing romance. Sounds like a million other cookie-cutter flics. But wait! Here’s the part that makes it unique, special and worth your $15 at the theater… are you ready? All of the main characters are… wait for it… wait… they’re… old. Yup. That’s the big draw. They’re old. And even that’s a stretch. Morgan Freeman is supposed to be 80 in it. At 73, Freeman hardly looks or acts like a man in his 80s, but the fact that he’s 80 means that we’re supposed to be in awe that he and his buddies are still walking without assistance; the rest of the crew range in age between 55 and 65, barely old enough to be considered retirees in normal jobs. I don’t know anyone that’s seen a recent Bruce Willis movie and wondered where his walker or respirator is. Hollywood stars, by definition, try to stay young looking forever. Helen Mirren is the second oldest, and she’s still seen as an example of how women can stay sexy regardless of their age. What’s worse is that this movie is billed as an action-comedy. Every single “joke” is based on their age. Not a single joke is funny on it’s own, and the sprinkling of them throughout the 111 min journey only makes the attempts at being funny, more boring.

None of this is surprising once you look further and discover that the Hoeber brothers responsible for writing the screenplay, recently bored audiences straight to video with their last comic book adaptation, Whiteout. To be fair, Whiteout was at least remotely interesting, but only because Dominic Sena is a marginally better director than Red’s Schwentke.

Despite all of my contempt for what went on behind the scenes, I do have to admit that I sat through the whole thing and didn’t hate it (I just disliked it). The primary reason for my tolerance was the cast. The main crew consisted of the aforementioned Willis, Freeman and Mirren with Mary-Louise Parker and John Malkovich filling out the ranks. All five were extremely watchable, but if you’ve seen any of their movies in the last 20-30 years, you already know that. The one thing that Schwentke got right was the cast. If you’ve got a story full of boring stereotypes, the most you can ask for is the best character actors out there to play them. With Willis as the tough guy lead, Freeman as the sage friend-to-all, and Malkovich as the one with the screw loose – casting mission accomplished. Mary-Lousie Parker has always been charismatic and her turn as the “innocent love interest, in way over her head” she was just as charismatic as ever, but with a hint of under-used and boring just to remind you that the movie isn’t near what it could be. Helen Mirren is the one anomaly. Maybe it’s because I’m not used to seeing her in an action role, or maybe it’s because she’s one of those actresses that never lets you down, but I actually have no complaints about her role. She did the best she could, in a movie that felt like it didn’t really care to try and be anything.

I always like seeing Karl Urban in movies but like so many others in this film, he was restricted by boring writing and was truly wasted. After his incredible Dr. McCoy in Star Trek, I really hoped that his follow-up would put him on the map in a big way. Red will not do this for his career. Similarly, all of the secondary characters that I would normally look forward to seeing were all under-used and poorly written – Richard Dreyfuss, Rebecca Pidgeon (in a role not involving David Mamet’s pen?), Brian Cox, James Remar and Ernest Borgnine.

Maybe I’m being a bit harsh on the Schwentke and the Hoeber brothers; I never read the graphic novel that Red was adapted from. Maybe it was boring and poorly written too, but I don’t think that’s a valid excuse. If you’re going to make something into a movie, you should make it into something that you want your name attached to. You should make it your own. I can’t help but think that the source material isn’t the problem. I think that like so many other comic adaptations these days, the director and screenwriters approached it with a “hey, the comic book is basically a storyboard, so all we have to do is get the right actors, set up a camera and count the cash!” That approach has spawned garbage like Batman Forever, Elektra, Wolverine, Hellboy and the The Losers (more “forgettable” than “garbage”, but not really worth seeing). While the cast prevented me from hating it completely, I’m afraid that Red will have to reside in the “comic movies that failed” category. I wouldn’t recommend spending more than the cost of a rental to see it.

I know I probably just pissed off a bunch of fan-boys (and girls) by dubbing Hellboy and Wolverine “garbage”, but they were. Just cause you love the comic, doesn’t mean you have to love the movie. I mean they both had a series of scenes that involved slicing, dicing and/or shooting without a drop of blood!? Give me a break.

With directors like Christopher Nolan proving that comic books can be turned into film and still stand as art, there’s no room for people to phone it in. Note to Hollywood – If you can’t find the right director, don’t ruin something people love by making it anyways. That just pisses people off. For the record, with the recent announcement of Darren Aronofsky helming the next Wolverine, I’m actually willing to forget how much I hated the first one because I’m happy that after 3 X-Men movies and one solo one, someone might actually get it right this time.

- Pig

1) Only Buy/Read Comics You Like.
Sounds simple doesn’t it? But a lot of the time we get all tied up in brand loyalty and “Well yeah, sure, Daredevil has sucked ass for a year straight, but I’m going to keep buying it because [insert excuse here].” Nobody ever felt good about buying a comic they didn’t want anymore and I really think the secret to being a happy, healthy fan is to monitor changes that are coming to your comics in both writing and art and make constant assessments. A great way to do this is to set up a free account on Comixology and add your pull list into the database. It’s really easy and that way you’ll know what’s coming months in advance and who’ll be writing and drawing your favorite books. Comics are too expensive to be throwing away $3 or $4 a week on books that ultimately make you unhappy.

2) Get Rid of Comics You’ll Never Read Again.
We all have these comics kicking around. Stuff you bought, read, and thought “Meh.” and now they’re taking up space in your home. And for what? Because you paid for them? Because maybe someday they’ll be worth a lot of money? The days of comics greatly appreciating in value are almost certainly done and frankly, you need the space for comics that rule. That’s what it’s all about isn’t it? So my advice is to either donate those old comics to independent shops to resell, give them to your friends or chuck ‘em in the recycle. Like ripping off a band-aid, it’ll sting for a second and then you’ll be glad you did it before your Mom got involved. Right Nuv? HAW HAW HAW WOO!

3) Re-Read Those Gems that You’ve Kept.
Burned out by Blackest Night and Brightest Day and Marvel’s endless zombies and vampires and Sieges? Why not pull out some of those older comics in your collection to weather the storm and remind yourself why you started reading in the first place. It’s easy to sit back and harrumph about how comics used to be better back in the day, about how there’s nothing new in comics anymore and how this run by these creators was better than that run by those creators. Re-read that old stuff not to disparage new books, but to recharge your batteries! You’ll feel a lot better and it’ll make you more willing to take those tentative first steps to seek out a new generation of ground breakers like Jason Aaron and Skottie Young.

4) Don’t Believe the Hype.
Hollywood has had its [expletive deleted] in the comic book industry’s [expletive deleted] since X-Men came out in 2000 and while that corporate cheddar has been a blessing to the once financially bankrupt funny-book machine, it’s also been its biggest curse. In a mad scramble, Marvel in particular has been flinging every property it has onto the big screen and hoping something sticks. In some cases it’s worked out (Iron Man, Spider-Man and X-Men) but more often than not it’s been disastrous (Daredevil, Elektra and Ghost Rider). So make like P.E. and don’t believe the hype. If a comic book movie looks like shit, if they’ve clearly ruined one of your favorite characters, then do yourself a favour and boycott the thing. Nothing will burn you out faster than seeing a beloved character handled badly and nothing sends a message to the big companies like saving your money.

5) Return Wednesday to Its Rightful Place as a Weekly Event.
Hey, why not head down to a well-stocked comic store on Wednesday and just check out what they have? Even if you don’t intend to buy anything, what’s to stop you from taking an extra-long, mid-week lunch hour to wander over to the old shop? And while you’re there, why not check out the names of the writers and the artists currently working on your old favorites (and new titles too!) and see if anything catches your eye. I never gave a rat’s ass about Iron Fist until I flipped through the first Brubaker/Fraction/Aja issue of The Immortal Iron Fist and now it’s one of my favorite runs ever. Same with Geoff Johns/Francis Manapul’s recent Flash arc. Two heroes that I would have never cared about if I hadn’t been shirking workplace responsibility by flipping through the new releases on a Wednesday instead of working. Fun!

So that’s it Mr. Grumpy Pants! My two-cents-worth. Remember, sometimes things get bad in comics…REAL BAD. But that’s no excuse to turn sour on the whole genre, and it’s sure as hell no excuse to turn to manga.

This has been a public service announcement from Ian Explosivo.

If you haven’t heard of Cliff Chiang, you’ve almost certainly seen his work in the racks. From Green Arrow and Black Canary to Detective Comics to Supergirl, Chiang has been getting the job done for years; so much so, in fact, that his cover work has been hailed by critics as being some of the best in the business. Oh, and do we need to mention that he’s just completed an epic graphic novel based on Neil Young’s ‘Greendale?’ Basically, Cliff Chiang is to success what Nuv is to failure. At relatively young ages, both men are leaders in their respective fields.

So check it out! We’ve put together a gallery featuring the best of Cliff Chiang’s heroes, pin-ups, and assorted awesomeness. My favourites are anything with the Birds of Prey and, of course, Black Canary. Oh, and his Star Wars recruitment posters are nothing short of genius. DC Publisher Jim Lee might be an irresponsible, washed-up hack when it comes to meeting deadlines and illustrating a comic book in a timely manner, but he’s 100% correct when he says Chiang’s work will “melt your faces.” Hopefully it’ll melt Nuv’s too, because anything would be an improvement at this point.

Nuv: By ‘we,’ this walking herpe means ME. I put together the gallery, while Ian was being denied solo access to a height-restricted ride at the Westboro Baptist Carnival of Intolerance and Deformity. AKA The Explosivo Family Tree. AKA the rapey inbreds from ‘Deliverance.’ Ahem. For the record, my favourite pictures are the 12 Inch Remix series, nostalgia bombs that mash together superheroes and instantly recognizable 80’s album covers. His Batman covers are also consistent masterpieces. Ian, meanwhile, is consistently a piece of s#!%. F@¢% a segue: He could kill a page with four or five lines. Simple. Never simplistic. Simply perfect. Ladies and gentlemen (and Ian) let’s just let the pictures do the talkin’…

Behold: The Deadly Art of Cliff Chiang…

Put two in the air…

– The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: BRRAAAIIIINNNNSSSS!!!!!! THE BIG FOUR RETURN!
TUNE IN: SAME VENUS-TIME, SAME MISS TEEN USSR-CHANNEL…

Ian: Hey! Did you guys happen to see Marvel’s trailer for their newest event Shadowland? If you haven’t seen it, you should really go check it out before you read the rest of this article!

[DANGER: SPOILERS AHEAD. TREAD CAREFULLY...]

Okay, are you back? Great! Because there’s something I want to say to our man Andy Diggle, that’s been brewing for a while now. Ahem. Andy Diggle, you are the worst hack to sully the pages of Daredevil in, literally, the past twelve years. And you know what, man? I honestly went into your run with an open mind, glad for a possible change of writing and artistic direction. Maybe it WAS time to take Daredevil out of the Kitchen for a little while and put him in some new kind of danger that didn’t involve The Kingpin. I was in your corner, Andy Diggle.

And how did you repay my faith? By happily taking on the role of Marvel’s little dancing monkey, dragging Matt Murdock into the lamest, most horse-shit storyline imaginable. Honest to God, the last eight months have been more frustrating than watching Nuv try to play ‘Jeopardy.’

Shadowland, after eight months of main-title build-up and one issue of its own, is stupid and ham-fisted garbage. And it’s a ridiculous knock-off of everything Bendis and Maleev did in the not-so-distant past. Matt Murdock loses it and declares himself the King of Hell’s Kitchen agrees to become the new ruler of The Hand and acts somewhat more “hardcore” than he’s generally known for, while his friends wring their hands on the sidelines and endlessly discuss “what to do about Matt because he’s lost it this time for sure!”

Back to the trailer you just watched. The one that started with an Audi car commercial before diving right into the exact same shitty nu-metal rap-rock trash that utterly ruined the Daredevil movie. What the fuck, Marvel? Well, I guess it’s fitting because Shadowland is all about the clichés that have been ruining the character for years. Look out! It’s Bullseye again! Oh no! Daredevil has a new set of black pajamas with and edgy new DD symbol and wristy-knives so you know he means business! But is Matt TOO FAR GONE?! And the grand finale, oh sweet Jesus, is Daredevil staking Bullseye with a sai, just like Bullseye staked Elektra back in 1982. Hasn’t this image been trotted out enough at this point? Time to take the lame horse to the glue factory, Marvel.

But you know what’s a real kick in the nuts? Diggle, that little putz, has neither the good sense nor the common respect for the fans to have Daredevil “kill” Bullseye in the main title. No, he did it in Shadowland #1, which forces readers who have no interest in this stupid event to buy Shadowland. Otherwise, when you go to the store and pick up Daredevil #508 on July 14th, you’ll read in the summary that “Oh, by the way, Daredevil killed Bullseye.” Now, I hate comparing current creators on a title to their predecessors, but it has to be said that Brian Michael Bendis and Ed Brubaker would NEVER have pulled a stupid stunt like this. And there are those who will say that Diggle doesn’t have the clout that Bendis and Bru have, and that Marvel is probably pulling the strings, but still. Grow a pair you little patsy or, I kid you not, there will be a hole in my collection that starts at issue 501, and ends whenever you toddle off to ruin the next title Marvel hands you.

Nuv: Okay, I’m putting the lid back on the trash can, Ian The Grouch. JESUS! I think you buy stuff just so you have something to bitch about. You should do what you threaten to do and let your money speak for you. That would be more powerful than a thousand whiny, menstrual rants. Daredevil, a second-rate Batman until Frank Miller got a hold of him, is defined by whoever is writing him and whatever crazy hell they put him through. (My favourite was Brubaker’s powderkeg arc that had Daredevil, Kingpin, Bullseye and Punisher all in prison at the same time.) If they have the balls to leave him a bad guy after this I’ll be as pleasantly surprised as I would be if I read Ian’s name in the obituaries. Speaking of dead assholes, they’ll probably puss out and bring him back, but if they don’t, I think it’s a fitting revenge for DD to take Bullseye out the same way Bullseye took Elektra out. It brings a long storyline full circle using probably the most iconic image associated with the character. I will say, said iconic image is undermined by the mediocre art. Don’t let the excellent John Cassaday covers fool you. The insides are full of uninteresting, lumpy illustrations by Billy Tan. Speaking of uninteresting lumps, Ian’s major problem seems to be being forced to buy a second title because the exciting shit is happening in Shadowland rather than the Daredevil title. (He also says point blank that it’s probably not Diggle’s fault, but continues berating him anyways. Classy!) Curmudgeon’s warning be damned – if you can afford an extra $4 a month without having to take back pop cans and shit like Ian, Shadowland is worth a look. You can see for yourself if Marvel goes through with turning one of their B-List heroes into an A-List villain. You get Punisher, Wolverine, Spider-Man, Ghost Rider, Moon Knight, Luke Cage, Iron Fist and more, all in one place. Most importantly - it’s got mad ninjas!

Ian: Or you could ignore the advice of a guy who plays the crab lice in every comic book event’s pubes, and avoid this derivative turdheap. Instead donate your $4 to my Cure For Nuv Research Foundation, where we attempt to locate what it is that creates complete dirtbags, on a genetic level, and hope to one day eliminate the cause. Seriously, who’re you gonna trust? Me, the guy that actually reads Daredevil, or this walking hair product? The choice is yours, friends, but there really is no choice to be made.

Put two in the air…

– The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: CAGES! FISTING! SOMETHING ACTUALLY LESS KINKY THAN THAT SOUNDS! CAN YOU AFFORD THE HEROES FOR HIRE?
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

Nuv: Jason “Jerkface” Copland is the reason the rest of the R2AK staff looks almost as good as I do. All of the original art you see, from the faces to the left of this article to the figures in the banners above them, is his handiwork. (If you haven’t yet, when you’re done reading this, click ‘About’ in the navigation bar above and go see what he and our web-wizard Cody constructed. Then tell your website’s About Page to go draw a warm bath and slit it’s wrists) Jason is an absolute assassin with a pencil. I’ve watched him grow and evolve over time to become what he is today: A f@¢king capital A, all-caps, kick-ass ARTIST that has only one flaw that I can see: he’s also friends with that son of a bitch, Ian. On that note, back to you F@¢k-O…

Ian: Thanks, S#!%face. I first met Jason on the strike line (during the 2007 municipal strike) where he was doing a kick ass Daredevil in his sketchbook. I knew right then and there that a) I wanted that damn Daredevil and b) I was probably going to have to befriend the guy to get it. HA! Just jokes J.! Seriously though, it’s art that grabs you right out of the gate. I should also note that he was goodly enough to give me that Daredevil sketch!

Nuv: Let’s talk a bit about some of our favorite pieces from his website, (You can see them in the gallery below), where he posts new art a few times a week in between being a goalie, raising a child, knocking people with umbrellas out from under awnings and just generally being better than Jim Valentino. (You should all take some time and go peruse jasoncopland.com. Good times shall be had, this I swear!)

Nuv: We’ve mostly shown you stand alone pieces, which fail to touch upon one of Copland’s greatest strengths: his story-telling. He never skimps on backgrounds and puts a lot of thought and work into staging scenes and making sure it’s a smooth ride from panel-to-panel. If you don’t believe me, here’s some stops you should make on your way the f@¢k outta here:

1) Jason has a short story you should check out here. (I love the first page; it’s all fairly ordinary stuff, but something about the angles/distances he chooses and even the panel shapes all give me the feeling that something Twilight Zone-ish is just around the corner…)
2) Another short story will be released as part of the anthology Trickster in June 2010, so mark your calendars.
3) Pick up his previous work on the series The Perhapanauts (pin-up in issue 4 and back-up story in issue 5)
4) Go to your local comic shop and pick up The Perhapanauts Special: Molly’s Story, released February 17th. Today. NOW! Jason draws the creepiest mullet/mustache mofo of all time, and you don’t wanna miss that s#!%, do ya? If they don’t have it, kick them in their little chick-pea nuts and demand they order you a copy. It’s for your own good.

Ian: Interesting side note.  Jason told me he based that creepy mullet guy on a picture he found of you on Facebook.  Yeesh!

Nuv: Oh, those. They were from a costume party I attended. The theme was ‘Things that are more attractive than that crowhole Ian’. I dressed up as Mama Explosivo circa 1980. (Age, not year) Other attendees included: Seal’s scars, Rosanne Barr’s toilet seat and a yeast infection.

Ian: You, my friend, are a post-poop, pre-wipe a-hole.

Nuv: I’m not your friend, Lice Cube.

Put two in the air…

–  The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: THE DASTARDLY DUO ON THE DRUGS?! WITH THE WORLD AS THEIR WITNESS, WILL THE RIDDLER AND HIS TRUTH SERUM FINALLY DOWNSIZE THE BIG TWO?!? CAN IAN AND NUV BAND TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH TO ESCAPE THIS SUPER-LONG TEASER??? FIND OUT IN THE SECOND INSTALLMENT OF ‘RIDDLE ME THIS.’?SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

1. Who is your favourite superhero?

Ian: Daredevil, hands down. The costume, power and sense of community. And the guilt! Maybe it’s the Catholicism, but nobody except for Batman, I would argue, has a rougher time with it. None of Matt Murdock’s girls have survived, with the exception of Elektra (who came back from the dead) and Milla (currently in a mental institution).
Nuv: Superman. Who do you think taught me to wear my undies on the outside?

2. Favourite supervillain?

Ian: Magneto. It seems like such a minor power – control over metal. But what he does with that power is absolutely devastating. And the fact that he’s such a morally ambiguous character really appeals to me. Sometimes he’s a monster, but sometimes he has a real point. He’s sort of the Malcolm X to Xavier’s Martin Luther King, as far as mutant civil rights go. I would challenge anyone to find a super villain who so fully utilizes his powers.
Nuv: Joker. That motherfucker’s crazy!

3. Favourite superhero costume?

Ian: Lady Blackhawk’s. The hat, jacket and skirt = sweet!
Nuv: Batman. If you can tell who it is in silhouette, it’s a great design. Like how Ian’s head looks like a peen, even in blackest night.

4. If you could kill one character off for good, who and why?

Ian: I’d kill off Lex Luthor. I’ve never been a Superman-reader and I think the main reason is I’ve always felt Superman lets his rogue’s gallery get away with too much. Lex Luthor should have been thrown into the sun, or frozen and shattered like glass a thousand times over.
Nuv: Aquaman. He’s fucking useless. His superpower is talking to fish. So, I guess my niece is Justice League material too then, eh? Oh. I forgot to mention: he rides a giant retard seahorse into battle. Menacing.

5. What was your favourite comic book from your youth?

Ian: Amazing Spider-Man #328 where Spidey, juiced on cosmic powers, punches the Hulk into outer space. That issue was so goddamned stupid that I still own it.
Nuv: Good choice. Mine also lisps and dresses well: Action Comics #317. ‘The Rainbow Faces of Superman.’ Just look at the cover. Je. Sus. The grade 3 me had to know what could cause this debacle. Why was our hero embarrassed about having a threesome? What could make the Man of Steel envious? Motherfucker could fly and kill dudes with his eyes! My sack of a friend Jeff beat me to the punch and bought it first. I didn’t find out what was behind this one-man pride parade until credit cards and ebay came into my life. Cause I’m a grown up, mofos.

6. Name a comic run you wish you owned but don’t.

Ian: New Avengers. I knew I should have got in on the ground level of that!
Nuv: Action Comics: The kick-ass grandpa to everything we both love about comics. 884 issues and counting…

7. What do you think is the best series running right now?

Ian: Brian Wood’s Northlanders.
Nuv: Superman: Secret Origin.

8. Name a series that you can’t stand, but that everyone else seems to love.

Ian: Frank Miller’s back-in-the-day Daredevil run.
Nuv: Hellboy. Amazing art and a great character do battle with fucking dull stories. I guess that makes the movies very faithful adaptations.

9. Art-wise, what would you get commissioned, and by who?

Ian: My dream is to have Darwyn Cooke draw Joe Strummer from The Clash.
Nuv: Jim Lee drawing me. Because I’m vain. A close second would be a tight, claustrophobic shot of Superman fighting his way out of a mob of all of his enemies, as depicted by Joe Madureira.

10. If you could choose 3 superpowers, what and why?

Ian: #1 Invisibility! There’s nothing you couldn’t accomplish if you had the ability to be invisible.  #2 Mind Control (for super obvious reasons) and #3 some crazy-harsh martial art just in case things went south.
Nuv: Funny – I wish you were invisible too. #1 Healing factor. It’s a more bad-ass, gritty version of invulnerability. Either way, you survive anything. For #2 most people would choose flight. I’d choose teleportation and cut the travel time all-together. #3 Batman’s superpower – the ability to win, no matter what.

11. Do you ever see yourself quitting comics?

Ian: No.
Nuv: Nope. Not even if Mom sells my collection again.

Put two in the air…

– The BIg Two

[Ed.Note - Do you have any questions for our dastardly duo? Leave 'em in the Comments.]

NEXT ISSUE:  TIME TRAVEL! TREACHERY! TEEN WOLF! (JUST KIDDING) ONLY 9 WILL SURVIVE!! (UH..ACTUALLY IT’S 18. ‘CAUSE THERE’S 2 OF YOU) …SHUT UP.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV CHANNEL…