Remember two weeks ago when Nuv was all “Blabbity schwah!” about the new Daredevil book and we were all “Pssssh” in front of our computers? Well, in un-Nuv-like fashion, he did manage to get one thing right when he realized he shouldn’t “say too much more.” Obviously, Nuv knows as much about Daredevil as he does about heterosexuality.

Me, on the other hand? I love the Man Without Fear! I love Matt Murdock so much that I’m not afraid to say cold-hard truths that need to be said! For instance, you know, DD has been a little too heavy for a few too many decades now. That’s a fact! It’s gross how all of Matt’s lady-types end up dead or in the insane asylum or (like all of Nuv’s past girlfriends) living with regret and self-loathing. All of Matt’s friends have either died or turned their backs on him at one time or another. Family, dead. Catholic guilt. Jesus, after Andy Diggle’s disastrous run everyone in New York thinks he’s an idiot, Captain America included! That takes some doing, to make Cap think you’re a weasel. I bet Chris Evans thinks Nuv is a weasel. Just sayin’.

From Daredevil: Born Again aka the most miserable comic book ever written. Guess who’s a junkie-prostitute? That’d be Matt’s girlfriend Karen.

But if you want to go find a different Daredevil, a more free-wheeling and adventurous Daredevil, you have to drudge back into the origin of the character and you know what you’ll find there: schmaltz. Back in the days of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, Gene Colon and John Romita Sr. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s a certain charm there but have you ever tried to sit down and read one of the black & white Marvel Essentials collections? Yeesh. It’s almost as if the writers didn’t trust the artists to tell a visual story. Always overcompensating with exposition like “I am now looking at the lightpost! I’m having feelings of sadness that probably can’t be drawn on paper!” And the artists were producing work that a) would get covered up by too many word bubbles, b) they were paid buttons-per-page to sweat over and c) would never be their intellectual property in the end anyway. Oh wait, all of these things were true and it shows.

I’m not sure I understand what’s happening in these panels. Maybe more words might help?

So what’s a modern Daredevil fan to do? Wait around for things to change.

AND THEN SUDDENLY, light at the end of the tunnel. A new Daredevil ongoing series was announced – some would say WAY too close on the heels of the Shadowland fiasco – and with an entirely original team to boot. Mark Waid, the brains behind Kingdom Come (!!!) is gonna write the thing and even promises to “tone down the noir a bit and play up the high adventure…” Okay, Mark Waid! Good! But the pencils will suffer for sure right? I mean, big name on the story, means cost saving on the pictures right? Twice wrong! In a stroke of genius that makes me wonder if Marvel has some sense after all, an announcement followed stating that Paolo Rivera and Marcos Martin were to share artistic duties for the foreseeable future. And that, my friends, is called FANBOY BONER-FEST 2011!

And Nuv-be-damned if this book doesn’t deliver. Here are three things that really caught my eye in the first two issues (selected from A HOST OF OTHERS).

Waid really seems to be making good on his promise to make the book more swashbuckle-y. Daredevil really seems to be having a great time and the best example of this is where he stops a kidnapping at a mafia wedding. He even pauses mid-fight to plant one on the bride. Saucy! Also, inappropriate?

New Assistant D.A. Kirsten McDuffie. I don’t know what role she’s going to play in the title yet, but she’s a real firecracker in her first couple of scenes. She’s got Matt’s number and there’s no way he’s going to lawyer his way around her. It also doesn’t hurt that Rivera has something Alex Maleev never had: the ability to draw completely adorable women.

Clever fight scenes. Most artists working in the industry can draw a decent fight scene. Guy-hits-guy. Guy-throws-guy-into-car. But so far all of the brawls in Daredevil V3 have had a real special quality to them. From Captain America’s confetti gun (to throw off DD’s senses) to the tit-for-tat removal of Daredevil’s horn and Cap’s wing, these are some of the most entertaining pages I’ve ever seen in all my years reading the book. Great stuff!

Anyway, I could probably write pages and pages about how great this book is (and about Nuv’s more disagreeable traits) but I’ll suffice it to say that this is my favourite book out right now. I can’t wait for the third issue, which is scheduled for September 7th, also known as TOMORROW! Get it!

Tune in next week where we’ll probably be talking about the New DC 52. Or about how X-Men: Schism sucks despite Jason Aaron writing it. Or about why today’s creators spend so much time whining about shit on Twitter (I’m looking at you Bill Willingham, Adam Hughes and Stuart Immonen).

Peas out!

– Ian

HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED. I was thinking about all my awesome comics, looking at my short boxes all wistful like “Oh, I love you SO MUCH short boxes full of awesome comics!” And that’s when the most awful thought that EVER CROSSED MY MIND crossed my mind. What if I could only keep enough comics to fill one short box? For those keeping score at home that’s a mere 135 comic books. Now some of you will say “That’s a whole lot of comics!” which means some of you are completely CLUELESS!

Okay, wait. What? Here’s the keepers y’all!

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #1-5 • Writer: Scott Snyder / Stephen King • Artist: Rafael Albuquerque

God it’s hard to spell Albuquerque… Oh, hello there! Remember a year ago when I implored everyone to stop moaning about how they were sick of vampires, heed my words and buy a copy of American Vampire?  Well 14 issues in the series is still BALLS INCORPORATED. So good! But nothing beats the first five-issue arc. One thing is for damn sure: Snyder, King and Raffie’s dads could beat up your dads!

BATMAN: DARK VICTORY #0-13 • Writer: Jeph Loeb • Artist: Tim Sale

I own everything that Loeb and Sale have ever collaborated on. Even the stuff that super sucks. But if I had to pick just one set to fit in my box, it would be Dark Victory. I know that dumbass Nuv likes The Long Halloween better, but that’s only because it’s a direct rip-off of the Godfather movies which Nuv only likes because the Corleones get to make out with their cousins and nobody gets all judgy. Dark Victory, on the other hand, is probably the best thing to come out of the Loeb/Sale Awesome Alliance™. Jeph Loeb serves up a great story featuring the entire Batman rogues gallery and Tim Sale consistently turns in the best pencil work of his career. (Except for maybe Catwoman: When in Rome where he literally spends six whole issues drawing Selina Kyle in various states of undress. Meow!)

BATMAN: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE CAPED CRUSADER? #1-2 • Writer: Neal Gaiman • Artist: Andy Kubert

I’ve been a fan of Neil Gaiman’s fiction for a long time, so when I heard he was doing a two-part story on the possible deaths of Batman (as told by his friends and enemies) I had to have it. The only problem being that I didn’t even hear about it until my stupid co-worker at the time (guess who?) told me about it months after the issues had come and gone. Well long-story-short, after leaving a trail of broken bones and broken hearts I landed a set of my very own. Synopses: Batman is dead and everyone at his funeral has a different story about how it went down. Neat!

CATWOMAN #45 • Writer: Will Pfeifer • Artist: Pete Woods

I have the whole 83-issue run of Catwoman Vol. 3 and to be perfectly honest I haven’t really read ‘em. Well, I’ve read the Brubaker stuff. So why do I keep them around? Because the winsome Venus Toshiba gave them to me as a present and because I love Adam Hughes’ 39-issue cover run. Gorgeous stuff, but my all-time favourite cover was issue 45, which I was sure to tell the man himself that when I went all fanboy on his ass at Emerald City Comicon earlier this year. Sweet!

DAREDEVIL: HARDCORE #46-50 • Writer: Brian Michael Bendis • Artist: Alex Maleev

Bendis and Maleev’s epic stint on Daredevil made it the greatest ongoing superhero title ever published. Better than Frank Miller’s crusty old crap from the 80’s, better than anything seen before or since. And right smack in the middle of it comes the Hardcore storyline which, if you have any appreciation for the genre at all, is some of the greatest and grittiest crime fiction in comics. Matt Murdock has been outed as Daredevil to the whole world, so to make Matt go completely mental The Kingpin puts Typhoid Mary and Bullseye back in action. Matt completely loses his shit and kicks the living bejesus out of the both of them and carves a bullseye right into Bullseye’s forehead with a sharp ass piece of rock! Then to top it off he beats Kingpin half to death and declares himself the new King of Hell’s Kitchen. Oh, and in classic Matt Murdock fashion, he starts up a brand new relationship with the also-blind Milla Donovan (who would later become his wife) in what has to be the worst possible timing in the history of the character. GREAT, GREAT STUFF.

DETECTIVE COMICS (aka Batwoman) #854-860 + #0 • Writer: Greg Rucka • Artist: J.H. Williams III

We’ve written AT LENGTH about these eight comics, so basically if you didn’t love the Rucka & Williams’ run on Detective Comics back in 2009, I just don’t know what to tell you (about the fact you have NO TASTE WHATSOEVER). I don’t know why DC felt the need to jerk Rucka around to the point where he left the title altogether, but I’d rather have seven books of mind-blowing greatness than a great big run of mediocre stuff. Which, of course, wouldn’t have happened. WHY DC WHY!?? God damn it!!

DARWYN COOKE: SOLO #1 • Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

I know everybody gets all wooby-woo about the 12-issue Solo series, but honestly the only ones I really liked were the Tim Sale, Paul Pope and, of course, Darwyn Cooke issues. For those who don’t know, DC had a great idea in 2004 to give certain artists 48-pages (with no ads!) to do whatever they wanted. A super-cool concept that – like too many others – crashed right after it took off. Anyway, Darwyn Cooke’s issue is bookended by Slam Bradley and is packed full of autobiographical anecdotes, tough guys and foxy dames, contentious politics, pin-ups, mysteries, and one of the best Batman stories I’ve ever read. Oh, and if that isn’t enough, almost every part of the book is drawn in a different style. Brilliant!

DC: THE NEW FRONTIER #1-6 + Special • Writer/Artist: Darwyn Cooke

This is the greatest superhero mini-series ever produced. DC didn’t want it, said Wonder Woman was too fat, basically tried to tell Cooke what to do and he was all “Bullshit to that!” If my apartment caught fire and I could only grab one set of comics before I bust through the window all ablaze like a TOTAL BAD-ASS, I’d grab my New Frontiers. Henry Rollins once said there’s nothing worse than realizing that you’re having the best moment of your life because it’s immediately followed by the realization that it’ll never be that good again. I kinda feel the same way about DC: The New Frontier and comics in general. I don’t feel that way about my relationship with Nuv though. Because it was never any good to begin with.

DAYTRIPPER #1-10 • Writers/Artists: Fabio Moon & Gabriel Ba

I wrote about this series about a year ago and the more I think about it, the more I love this book. I’ve really enjoyed the work done by the brothers Moon & Ba in the past (Casanova and The Umbrella Academy, for instance) but UNLIKE Nuv and I, the brothers are at their best when they’re working together. There are a lot of comics out there that you read once and file away, never to be seen again. This is not one of those comics. The story of Bras de Oliva Domingos’ life (and many possible deaths) is a really compelling one and no one is more surprised than me that it made the 135.

FANTASTIC FOUR: MARVEL KNIGHTS #1-7 • Writer: Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa • Artist: Steve McNiven

I’ve only ever mentioned this series once before because it came out in April 2004 and I wasn’t being extorted by Nuv to write columns back then. Actually DEADLY WICKED sites like this didn’t even exist back then, prompting bored and unfunny internet “surfers” to create stupid-ass pages like this. But I digress! Aguirre-Sacasa and McNiven’s opening seven issue run did for THIS READER what I never thought possible; it actually made me give a crap about the Fantastic Four. McNiven is basically perfect on the art (no surprise there) but it’s Aguirre-Sacasa’s story that really catches you off guard. There have been a lot of family-oriented stories in comics, but none told so truthfully and compellingly and not-lamely. It’s as though RA-S sat down and said “Forget everything that’s been written about this family before, I’m going to make it real.” And that’s what you get! An opening seven-issues so wholly satisfying that even if you dropped the title after the seventh issue (idiotic!), you’d still have something worth saving.

Anyway my paint-buzz is starting to wear off, leaving me in a state of fear and paranoia (why does my phone click every time I pick it up?!) So this is as good a time as any to end the first half of this article! Ten titles down, eleven to go! Part Two starts here. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

– Ian

Patrick Martinez flashes motherfuckers with his Neon Art.

The best ten seconds you’ve spent since losing your “flower.” Behold!
5-Second Films: An American In New York • Father & Son

Vevo hosts a “toast to the douchebags”: G.O.O.D. Music @ SXSW 2011!

Balloon T-Rex is the baddest mofo with tiny arms this side of Ian Explosivo.

Splitscreen: A Love Story. Warm fuzzes for all of you weirdos with “hearts” and “feelings” and “boners.”

The best action sequence you’ll see all year outside of the Haddow house on Ketchup chips night.

Put yourself in the movies (sort-of): The Augmented Reality Cinema App (Coming Soon)

Blood, Ink and iPhones: The First Ever Animated Tattoo. Sponsored By Weird Tooth/Gum Ratios.

Hot Wheels Metropolis II by Chris Burden makes you feel like the first time you climbed a rope in gym class. Blanks!

Senna drank gasoline and shat speed.

16-Bit Avengers Assemble!

Covering a cover: Coleco-Hulk smash!

The Little Mermaid pukes up Transformers 3.

One man. One mouth. A cappella Matrix. (Semi-related: Keanu thinks his name is pronounced “Karnoo.” Smarts!)

Like Bill Murray? Like Batman? Like Shirts? If your last name isn’t McConaughey, we’ve got something’ for youse...

Speaking of ol’ pointy ears, cop Batman: Year One for your man-cave this fall. Cop Jack Black & Michael Cera’s Year One and have somebody throw it at your stupid nuts for buying that shit.

Christopher Nolan Hates Buildings, Chapter 4: The Dark Knight Rises and reveals himself below!
(Not all, like, Ian Expose-ivo style, with trenchcoats and clammy hands and having to inform his neighbours afterwards and stuff. Sex offense gets The Gas Face around here, pa’tner!)

Listen bud: the first Amazing Spider-Man trailer has radioactive blood…

Learn the rules! Step 1 – Tilt the screen; Step 2 – Jizz your pants!

Nicolas Winding Refn, of Bronson and Weirdo Middle Name fame, throws another cinematic punch: the red band trailer for Drive…

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol is both the name of the new Tom Cruise movie AND what Scientologists achieve after death and 73 equal monthly payments of $19,000.

Rock, Paper, Zombie!

Jake Troth has a Lord Of The Rings-ass first name for a last name and loves Material Things, cha-ching!

UBC puts their Dub on your Lips. Or something much less creepy-sounding than that.

“I’m A Big Chocolate Slut” (brought to you by Apple Juice, Fax Machines, Halifax and Wooden Faces)

THIS!

Every journey has an end…

– The Outsiders

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Logan’s solo eXcursion gets just the middle claw. Whattapieceashit. All the elements were in place. The most popular X-man. His mysterious origins revealed. An awesome selection of characters coupled with inspired casting all the way down the list. Oh, well, eXcept for the inclusion of a fucking Black Eyed Pea. The anti-christ of artistic integrity, Will.i.am., should have given me a feeling and been my first red flag. Still, Liev Schrieber’s involvement as Sabretooth and the casting of Taylor Kitsch from one of my favourite under-the-radar shows (Friday Night Lights) as Gambit combined to assist me in turning a blind eye to this potential black eye. But then: NOPE!

Nonsensical plot elements and a plodding poorly paced script undermined the roster of talented actors with dull dialogue, stupid situations and less direction than a roomful of emo-kids. I won’t even get into the mess made of Deadpool in this film. Unlike the film, we’ll just concentrate on Logan. The movie puts a short leash on the Wolverine himself, keeping him from delivering on the promise of the kitchen scene in X2. (More on that scene later.) The resident bad-ass of the X-Men, Wolverine should be a dark, dangerous character. Killer by nature, man by choice. Barely able to contain his “berserker rage.” Itching to bury his claws in anyone retarded enough to piss him off. Instead, the homeless guy brought in to direct this shit-sliver delivered on the promise of X3, giving us a sucker-for-love-ass Logan, resulting in a meager body count and a bloodless bunch of action scenes that would have Ghandi calling Wolvie a pussy. Gah! If I have to think about this movie for much longer, I might go into a “berserker rage,” so let’s skip straight to the stupidest shit in a toiletful of dunce dumplings, the “plot twist”: An unnecessary double-cross that undermines the whole foundation for Logan and Sabretooth’s rivalry and removes the protagonist’s motivation for the sake of a twist that nobody wanted and doesn’t even make sense! Super! Anyway, all of these elements joined forces to accomplish a feat all of his villains put together couldn’t, leaving Logan dead in the water. Healing factor be damned.

Oh well. There’s still hope: the neXt Wolverine film is going to be helmed by Darren Aronofsky, and inspired by the awesome Frank Miller/Japan/Ninja tale that catapulted Wolverine to the forefront of the Marvel Universe all those years ago. Oh, eXcept it’s not. Aronofsky dropping out of the film isn’t the Will.i.am red flag of The Wolverine, is it? Is it? Ummm… guys? Hello?

X-Men: The Last Stand (aka X3)

A child (the studio) bangs it’s head (X-Men franchise) against the wall (Brett Ratner) until it gets what it wants (self-destruction). X3 was rushed out as a “Fine. Fuck you, Bryan. Go make Superman. We’ll just fuck up the franchise while you’re gone. We don’t care if you agreed to do this as soon as you’re done there. Not good enough! Do it when we say do it, dammit! Okay. You wanna play this way? Yep. Hey, James Marsden. So you’re in Singer’s Superman movie, eh? Well, we can’t do anything to him, so how about we kill your character in two seconds basically off-screen. Leader of the X-Men? Whatever. Key to the Dark Phoenix Saga we’re leading up to? Fuck that shit. We’ll just sacrifice everything that’s cool about Wolverine and plug him into your spot in the plot. Doesn’t make sense? Who gives a shit. That’s what you get, and this’ll show you, you jive motherfuckersssss!!! PS – Fuck Colossus!” This balls chopped, post-op entry in the EX-Men series is a Crying Game. I mean crying shame.

This movie was bloated, hideous and mildly retarded. Complete horsefuckery and utter bullshit. So basically, an evening at the ol’ EXplosivo Farm.

X-Men

From the very first frame (flipping rapid-fire through a multitude of classic comic book panels until the Marvel logo appeared, heralding the dawn of a new age in superhero films) X-Men was eXcellent! Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen were spot-on as Professor X and Magneto, but I knew that shit walking in. The big question mark was turned into an emphatic eXclamation point in an underground bar in snowy Canada, as Rogue (and the audience) were introduced to Wolverine during a cage fight. Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine was the fulcrum on which this film (and whole franchise) would rest and his adamantium shoulders were up to the task. You could nitpick that “Wolverine should be shorter/uglier/blahblah” whatever. Jackman brought ferocity, enigma and charisma to the role and showed us eXactly why Wolverine is everyone’s favourite X-Man. Which makes what Ratboy and Hobo Joe did to him in X3 and Wolverine all the more tragic. Not perfect, but a giant step in the right direction. That said, Halle Berry’s Storm almost derails it with a supposed-to-be badass one-liner that meant NOTHING. I actually don’t really like Storm. (Well, eXcept, for some weird reason, late 80s Punk Storm. Neither here nor there…) This shit solidified it.

X2

A while back me and that pisspool Ian discussed the 5 best and worst superhero films (at the time). X2 landed at #5 on my ‘Best’ list. (For the record, Wolverine was #4 on the ‘Worst.’) Here’s what I said about X2 back then: “With all the set-up out of the way, director Bryan Singer teleports us right into the thick of it. Action-packed and full of heart. Wolverine’s kitchen scene alone is worth the price of admission. And I hate kitchens!” Other highlights: Wolverine takes the kids on a “field trip”; the Iceman / Pyro dynamic; the inevitable choice Pyro must make (Xavier or Magneto) which is the heart of what X-Men is all about; everything to do with Nightcrawler, especially the opening scene. X2 is the cream of the crop and the head of the class. Or is it?

X-Men: First Class

Wow. I did not eXpect this. Now, I haven’t watched X2 all the way through in years, so it’s with a grain of salt and some hesitation that I put First Class in first place. BUT, being the freshest on my mind, with rights reserved to pull a switcheroo once I do rewatch X2, that’s where Matthew Vaughn’s swingin’ siXties superhero film sits for now. Goddamn! Let’s break it down…

New dudes! Havok, Cyclops‘ younger brother with a chip on his shoulder and one of my favourite second-tier X-men, makes his screen debut here. Maintaining continuity with the rest of the series makes the timeline a little wonky, but I was still thrilled to see him nonetheless. In fact, most of this first class of X-Men (hence, the title) were great. For god’s sakes, they make that screaming douche Banshee cool here, no joshin’ ye laddies! Oh, plus: TRAINING MONTAGE! Did you hear me?! A training montage! I love them shits! This one is filmed and edited to unfold via panel-like split-screens and comic book framing devices. Yeah to the maX!

The siXties setting comes off as authentic rather than heavy-handed, because they set up the world with music, mood and props and then just let the characters live in it, rather than beating you over the head with Austin Powers-ass shagadelics and shit. The period also gives an assist to the script itself, weaving the plot around the real-world Cuban Missile Crisis and adding a real weight and gravitas to the whole affair. Already experienced in the era is Mad Men’s January Jones, whose ice queen routine as Emma Frost is almost as perfect as the fit of her catsuits and lingerie. She looks like a slutty glass of milk. Mmmmmilk! Also basically eye-candy, (though minus the milkbags), are typhoon/tornado-creating Riptide and (never-referred-to-as) Nightcrawler’s dad, Azazel. Cool powers, no dialogue. That’s okay. Actions speak louder in their case. In Kevin Bacon’s, however, his words hit just as hard as his cool-ass powers. His scenery-chewing Sebastian Shaw doubles as the spot-on sinister leader of the Hellfire Club and the common evil that unites Xavier and Magneto.

Speaking of, McKellen and Stewart left mighty big shoes/wheelchairs to fill. I’m glad to say James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender pull it off with admirable gusto. You completely buy them as friends, making it all the more tragic knowing where they end up. We see the beginning of their infamous chess matches, how (and why) Magneto got his helmet, how Charles loses the use of his legs and, in the best scene in the movie, Xavier’s telepathy links them in a way that’s moving, both figuratively and literally. The always charismatic McAvoy may get less notice along with the less showy role, but that would be a crime. A walking, womanizing Charles Xavier with a full head of hair is convincing as more of a cool older brother than a stiff father figure, but still believable as a leader of men. The reason he’ll get less notice though, is understandable. Fassbender’s magnetic Magneto is mesmerizing, stomping with vengeful purpose through every frame towards his inevitable turn to the dark side and the fracturing of his friendship with Prof. X. And when that happens, a successful portrayal of Magneto has to leave you torn as to where your sympathies lie. Check, and mate. Michael is a motherfuckin’ revelation here. Between this, Inglorious Basterds and his riveting work in Hunger, Fassbender should be on the fast track to the A-list, and Ian should be in the corner of the theatre with magnifying glasses and tweezers jerking it to this amazing portrayal of his favourite comic book villain.

Oh, and I already named the best scene above, but my favourite scene? I can’t say much without ruining it. It’s a cameo, probably one you’ll eXpect if you think about it for a sec, but that plays out in a way you won’t eXpect and you will love. And there’s so much more. So many subtle touches, nods and easter eggs that all add up to a love letter to both Singer’s X-Men and the Lee/Kirby comics of the siXties that spawned the whole shebang.

So that’s it then. Vaughn races this one past X2 for a photo finish. X-Men: First Class is the best there is at what it does, etc.. Agree? Disagree? Tell me below in the comments section.

Bamf, I’m out!

– Nuv

Ian: Whenever the question comes up about what you’d do with a time machine, people always say they’d go back in time and strangle Hitler or Nuv in their cribs. I’d probably go back and strangle Paul Norris and Mort Weisinger (as grown men) for creating a character as idiotic as Aquaman.

Nuv: Aquaman, you absolute shit-shard, swim the fuck away. You’re that chunk that just won’t flush. I don’t really care either way about Namor either, but at least he’s amusingly arrogant, so you can love-to-hate him Reggie Mantle-style. You? You have an orange shirt and you talk to fishies by shooting what looks like a slinky out of your head and ventriloquist-ing “doo-doo-doo” noises. Ian’s a walking vagina lip with a yellow stripe down his back and chicken feathers sticking out his back-pussy and HE don’t sweat you! You were responsible for Justice League Detroit, the worst era in the esteemed franchise’s history, where your impressive roster of a homeless gypsy, a whiny android, a grating breakdancer and a balding man, all came together to suck unbelievably under your command, and die. Not surprisingly, DC had to cancel their long-running flagship team book just to get the stink off. Way to go, goof!

I suppose I can’t say you’ve never entertained me. You’ve had your hands cut off (once each) and that was a fun read for me. You’re such a walking punchline that your biggest brush with fame, outside of a simplistic children’s cartoon from decades ago, came via an ongoing Entourage plot that chose you BECAUSE you’re the biggest joke in comics. Arthur, you’re a gag in every sense of the word.

Everyone wonders why the fuck you’re on the Justice League next to the greatest heroes alive. I finally figured it out. You’re that asshole that nobody wants around but has history, and one friend in the group, so you keep getting invited around. And just when we think we’re rid of you, you rear your stupid head. We’re stuck with you. Like Herpes.

So, believe me when I say this that I say it with every fucking ounce of my being and all the bordering-on-nazi-ish hate my heart can muster: Fuck you, completely and sincerely and with a dick dipped in sand, glue and glass. Fuck you. You walking fish-stick.

Why Dr. Doom Is Fucking Awesome!

Ian: Anyone who rocks a metal mask and whose resume includes the words “scientist” and “sorcerer” gets my vote for total bad-assery. Also, if you’re born with the name Victor von Doom, your rad fucking vocation is basically set from birth. If you’re born with a name like Nuv, you’d be lucky to wear a bright blue vest and welcome people to your store for minimum wage.

Nuv: A name like Ian Explosivo appears frequently on ‘Registered Sex Offender’ lists. You pretty much nailed it with everything but your feeble attempt at a diss, though. Everything about Doctor Doom rules like a muh’fuh, and with an iron fist! He defeated, then stole the power of, a thinly-veiled version of God for Chris’sakes! More importantly than all of the above reasons, though, is that he’s down with the Biz!

On my favourite villains list, Vic lands at number three. Number two is Lex Luthor. And number one is…

Speaking Of That Shit: Our Favorite Fucking Bad Guys!

Nuv: Joker. He’s the coolest, in every incarnation. He was an early pioneer for the Moustache Rights movement in the late 60s AND he has a sextape. (Chicken, egg.) He knows cool magic tricks! He gets a front row seat wherever the fuck he goes, pulls off the regal colour purple and wears sunglasses indoors. He’s ALWAYS in a good mood. He beats snot-nosed losers to death with crowbars in front of their moms. He’ll cripple your daughter, then strip and torture you via S&M midgets and photography. AND if you’re too pussy to kill him when he tells you to, he’ll break his own neck just to prove a point. AND he’ll win an Oscar AFTER that! AND he lent me his crowbar to deal with MY midget problem. Come here, Ian…

Ian: Fuck whoever Nuv picked! I didn’t even read the last paragraph! I don’t even care! There is no villain more gangsta than Erik Lehnsherr aka MAGNETO. And do you know what makes him the greatest?! The fact that he’s always TOTALLY CORRECT. Fuck homo sapiens! Homo superior FTW!

Nuv: Yeah. “FTW” indeed. Especially in this story of his team-up with Galactus…

Making Alpha Flight Fucking Cool!

Ian: Nothing will ever make Alpha Flight cool. Alpha Flight sucks. John Byrne should be convicted of treason in Canada for saddling us with such a wack group of “heroes” to call our own. They’re based out of Parliament Hill for Christ’s sake, fighting polar bears and frostbite. Raking leaves and putting up wood panel walls in their houses and shit. Using serviettes and trying not to spill their Habitant split-pea and ham soup on their chesterfields. Riding their snowmobiles to fight, oh, let’s say, businesses that stay open past 6pm.

Nuv: Ha! I was all set to try and defend them, but now I just want to read about them raking leaves and fucking up their furniture. Really, it’s more that I’ve always WANTED to like them, but help me out here guys! Being Canadian and Wolverine’s former team are not enough for you guys to coast on forever. Your roster is just laughable. A moustached midget in a leotard is something I already have to tolerate. (See: author of previous paragraph.) And Northstar? Fuck off! I have no problem with him being gay or a French-Canadian. No, MY problem is with somebody having the superpower to shine really bright when they hold hands with their twin. (No offense Matt & Jay Haddow.) Guardian/Vindicator are fine, but the rest of these two-bit hosers need to be replaced right-quick. Eh.

And Fuck You Guys Too!

Ian: You want me to put together a team of my least favourite heroes of all time? Man, this is the easiest question ever! It’s called the Justice League of America and it already exists. ZING! Seriously though, a team of my least favourite heroes would have to include Ant Man (or any of the miniature heroes), Cyclops, Deadpool, Hawk, Nuv, Power Girl, and Superboy. Oh, and any superhero drawn by Erik Larsen in the 90s. Or now. Or ever.

Nuv: Aww. I’m one of your heroes? That’s precious. My picks are: Aqualad, Jubilee, Banshee, Forge, Maggott (the name is off by a few letters), Northstar and Aurora, Marrow, (fuck, a lot of X-Men suck the bone!), Dr. Druid, Black Bat-Wolverine with AIDS Shadowhawk, any New Universe character, the emo couple hanging on your living room wall, The Wonder Twins – the one that could turn into water (whoop-de-shit!) specifically – and, bringing it full circle, Aquaman as leader to ensure their swift cancellation/death.
Gaylords: Assemble!

Fuck you, comics!

– The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: FIND OUT WHAT THE FF STANDS FOR NOW THAT THE FANTASTIC FOUR IS DOWN TO THREE.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

1) Only Buy/Read Comics You Like.
Sounds simple doesn’t it? But a lot of the time we get all tied up in brand loyalty and “Well yeah, sure, Daredevil has sucked ass for a year straight, but I’m going to keep buying it because [insert excuse here].” Nobody ever felt good about buying a comic they didn’t want anymore and I really think the secret to being a happy, healthy fan is to monitor changes that are coming to your comics in both writing and art and make constant assessments. A great way to do this is to set up a free account on Comixology and add your pull list into the database. It’s really easy and that way you’ll know what’s coming months in advance and who’ll be writing and drawing your favorite books. Comics are too expensive to be throwing away $3 or $4 a week on books that ultimately make you unhappy.

2) Get Rid of Comics You’ll Never Read Again.
We all have these comics kicking around. Stuff you bought, read, and thought “Meh.” and now they’re taking up space in your home. And for what? Because you paid for them? Because maybe someday they’ll be worth a lot of money? The days of comics greatly appreciating in value are almost certainly done and frankly, you need the space for comics that rule. That’s what it’s all about isn’t it? So my advice is to either donate those old comics to independent shops to resell, give them to your friends or chuck ‘em in the recycle. Like ripping off a band-aid, it’ll sting for a second and then you’ll be glad you did it before your Mom got involved. Right Nuv? HAW HAW HAW WOO!

3) Re-Read Those Gems that You’ve Kept.
Burned out by Blackest Night and Brightest Day and Marvel’s endless zombies and vampires and Sieges? Why not pull out some of those older comics in your collection to weather the storm and remind yourself why you started reading in the first place. It’s easy to sit back and harrumph about how comics used to be better back in the day, about how there’s nothing new in comics anymore and how this run by these creators was better than that run by those creators. Re-read that old stuff not to disparage new books, but to recharge your batteries! You’ll feel a lot better and it’ll make you more willing to take those tentative first steps to seek out a new generation of ground breakers like Jason Aaron and Skottie Young.

4) Don’t Believe the Hype.
Hollywood has had its [expletive deleted] in the comic book industry’s [expletive deleted] since X-Men came out in 2000 and while that corporate cheddar has been a blessing to the once financially bankrupt funny-book machine, it’s also been its biggest curse. In a mad scramble, Marvel in particular has been flinging every property it has onto the big screen and hoping something sticks. In some cases it’s worked out (Iron Man, Spider-Man and X-Men) but more often than not it’s been disastrous (Daredevil, Elektra and Ghost Rider). So make like P.E. and don’t believe the hype. If a comic book movie looks like shit, if they’ve clearly ruined one of your favorite characters, then do yourself a favour and boycott the thing. Nothing will burn you out faster than seeing a beloved character handled badly and nothing sends a message to the big companies like saving your money.

5) Return Wednesday to Its Rightful Place as a Weekly Event.
Hey, why not head down to a well-stocked comic store on Wednesday and just check out what they have? Even if you don’t intend to buy anything, what’s to stop you from taking an extra-long, mid-week lunch hour to wander over to the old shop? And while you’re there, why not check out the names of the writers and the artists currently working on your old favorites (and new titles too!) and see if anything catches your eye. I never gave a rat’s ass about Iron Fist until I flipped through the first Brubaker/Fraction/Aja issue of The Immortal Iron Fist and now it’s one of my favorite runs ever. Same with Geoff Johns/Francis Manapul’s recent Flash arc. Two heroes that I would have never cared about if I hadn’t been shirking workplace responsibility by flipping through the new releases on a Wednesday instead of working. Fun!

So that’s it Mr. Grumpy Pants! My two-cents-worth. Remember, sometimes things get bad in comics…REAL BAD. But that’s no excuse to turn sour on the whole genre, and it’s sure as hell no excuse to turn to manga.

This has been a public service announcement from Ian Explosivo.

“I want [Marvel and DC] to stop catering to the perverted needs of 45-year-old men. I want to stop seeing Batman fucking Black Canary. I don’t want to hear Batman swearing. I don’t want to see him feeding a boy rats. I don’t want to see characters getting raped in the ass. I don’t want to see characters who have been straight for sixty years become lesbians overnight because the writer’s too stupid or uncreative to come up with something decent. I want to see new characters for a new time and when the industry of superhero comics realigns its sights to the young people it was meant for I’ll be there with both arms and feet.”

Now, you can make your own judgment about whether or not you agree with Cooke, but you have to appreciate a guy who’ll come out of the gate and risk shooting himself in the foot to point out the emperor has no clothes. So, with this in mind, Review 2 a Kill would like to celebrate this week’s release of Weird War Tales by cobbling together a selection of Darwyn Cooke’s best comments from a variety of sources (Big Hollywood, Comic Book Resources, iFanboy, and The Comics Journal, to name a few). Check it out!

ON LAZY WRITING: “I sorta had this feeling that I was going to avenge [Hal Jordan] with [DC: The New Frontier] because of all the incredibly convoluted and sort of horrible things that had been propagated in the last eight, ten years. Since Emerald Dawn on I suppose. And yeah, I always looked at him as a classic example of, you know, lazy writing. Just guys stopped caring about him as a character, they stopped trying to make it interesting and then inertia keeps it going for ten years. Then one day nobody cares about this character, so it’s like “Let’s turn him into a murderer. Let’s make him a drunk.” You know? And he becomes a plot device. And I thought that was sort of a horrible way to wrap it up with him.”

ON SUPERHERO LEGACIES: “I’ll be straight up honest, and again I have a lot of respect for what my contemporaries do, but I’m sorry. There is absolutely no reason in the world there should be anything but an all-ages Superman story. There should be no other type, period. And if you haven’t got the imagination or the skill to craft a good story within that framework then you shouldn’t be working on the character. I don’t think these characters were built to carry these adult themes. And while they can…the minute you start tampering with the brand you’re destroying the goodwill it’s built up over sixty, seventy years. And one day you can’t go back.”

ON ARTISTIC INTERPRETATION: “One of [the DC: New Frontier character treatments] that I still love to see the reaction to is, of course, Wonder Woman. Certainly, if there was difficulty with New Frontier from the get-go in terms of a visual sense, it was [DC’s] inability to appreciate, I’ll say, my interpretation of Wonder Woman. And, as usual, the readership speaks and they LOVE her. You know? You’ve got this little percentage of guys who go [whiney voice] “Why is she so big?” but generally people just love the take on her. So it’s been a lot of fun for me to watch DC and Warner’s have to embrace that take on the character because she’s such an important part of the story itself.”

ON NON-SUPERPOWERED HEROES: “It’s no mistake that you’ll notice most of my work revolves around Batman, Catwoman, Slam Bradley, The Spirit…they’re all people. And even New Frontier. You’ll notice that the periods where you see the meta[humans] go have been compressed into as tight a space as I possibly could because I just have way more interest in what I’ll call human heroism. You know, to me, Superman’s always been a cheat. I never warmed up to the character because, hell, sure you’re a hero! Look at ya! You know? It’s easy to be a hero when you can’t be hurt. And I’ve never really appreciated the ‘immense burden’ that Superman carries around. You know? I look at all these normal characters and I think, wow, there’s a far more heroic journey they’re on because they’re mortal. They can be hurt.”

ON CORPORATE DEMAND FOR FAMILY-FRIENDLY COMICS: “And still it goes on. This year J. Bone and myself pitched an all-ages Wonder Woman book aimed at young female readers. In other words, I wanted to give them at least 12 issues of a Wonder Woman book that any parent could give their child. They couldn’t have been less interested.”

ON MEETING DEADLINES: “Look kids, don’t let anybody tell you any different, okay? The reason [comics] don’t come out in time is because [the creators] don’t work on them. It’s not because it’s impossible. It’s not because the guy’s putting so much into it that it just can’t be done. Okay? They’re just not working at speed. Alright? I’m sorry guys, but that’s the truth. Admit it.”

ON THE DIRECT MARKET: “I think everybody in the world likes and understands what a comic is. Except for the people in the direct market. Honest to God. No. Case in point. I’m going to prove my point right here, right now: They do a movie called Batman Begins. Huge success….so they gear up for a sequel. Well lo and behold the villain in the sequel dies [Heath Ledger]. There’s Oscar talk. The movie’s being hyped and hyped and hyped. So DC’s reaction is [to] kill Bruce Wayne. So anyone coming in off the movie to buy a Batman comic won’t know what the fuck is going on. That explains it all to me. You know? [The direct market is] so trapped within itself it doesn’t even understand the world outside of it or what’s there.”

ON THE DIGITAL MARKET: “I’ll ask you this question: How do you sell a million Spider-Man comics a month? Fuckin’ iTunes for a quarter a pop. Why do [Marvel and DC] have to be dragged into this technology? The whole world’s there already. They’re ten years behind the curve and they don’t want to get in front of it.”

The funny thing about all of these comments is that Darwyn Cooke isn’t some crabby old curmudgeon. If you do a YouTube search and watch any of his lengthier interviews (here’s a good one and here’s another) he comes off as an amiable and genuinely passionate sort of guy. And there is no end to attendees coming home from Comic-Cons with tales of what a friendly, talkative and super accommodating guy Cooke is. So what’s the deal? Well it would seem that Darwyn Cooke is not only exasperated with the existing direct market framework, but in the fortunate position to actually do something about it. Anyway, I for one will be heading off to the comic shop this week to pick up my copy of Weird War Tales. Who knows? At the rate Darwyn Cooke is going, this might be his last work for DC Comics.

– Ian

Ian: Hey! Did you guys happen to see Marvel’s trailer for their newest event Shadowland? If you haven’t seen it, you should really go check it out before you read the rest of this article!

[DANGER: SPOILERS AHEAD. TREAD CAREFULLY...]

Okay, are you back? Great! Because there’s something I want to say to our man Andy Diggle, that’s been brewing for a while now. Ahem. Andy Diggle, you are the worst hack to sully the pages of Daredevil in, literally, the past twelve years. And you know what, man? I honestly went into your run with an open mind, glad for a possible change of writing and artistic direction. Maybe it WAS time to take Daredevil out of the Kitchen for a little while and put him in some new kind of danger that didn’t involve The Kingpin. I was in your corner, Andy Diggle.

And how did you repay my faith? By happily taking on the role of Marvel’s little dancing monkey, dragging Matt Murdock into the lamest, most horse-shit storyline imaginable. Honest to God, the last eight months have been more frustrating than watching Nuv try to play ‘Jeopardy.’

Shadowland, after eight months of main-title build-up and one issue of its own, is stupid and ham-fisted garbage. And it’s a ridiculous knock-off of everything Bendis and Maleev did in the not-so-distant past. Matt Murdock loses it and declares himself the King of Hell’s Kitchen agrees to become the new ruler of The Hand and acts somewhat more “hardcore” than he’s generally known for, while his friends wring their hands on the sidelines and endlessly discuss “what to do about Matt because he’s lost it this time for sure!”

Back to the trailer you just watched. The one that started with an Audi car commercial before diving right into the exact same shitty nu-metal rap-rock trash that utterly ruined the Daredevil movie. What the fuck, Marvel? Well, I guess it’s fitting because Shadowland is all about the clichés that have been ruining the character for years. Look out! It’s Bullseye again! Oh no! Daredevil has a new set of black pajamas with and edgy new DD symbol and wristy-knives so you know he means business! But is Matt TOO FAR GONE?! And the grand finale, oh sweet Jesus, is Daredevil staking Bullseye with a sai, just like Bullseye staked Elektra back in 1982. Hasn’t this image been trotted out enough at this point? Time to take the lame horse to the glue factory, Marvel.

But you know what’s a real kick in the nuts? Diggle, that little putz, has neither the good sense nor the common respect for the fans to have Daredevil “kill” Bullseye in the main title. No, he did it in Shadowland #1, which forces readers who have no interest in this stupid event to buy Shadowland. Otherwise, when you go to the store and pick up Daredevil #508 on July 14th, you’ll read in the summary that “Oh, by the way, Daredevil killed Bullseye.” Now, I hate comparing current creators on a title to their predecessors, but it has to be said that Brian Michael Bendis and Ed Brubaker would NEVER have pulled a stupid stunt like this. And there are those who will say that Diggle doesn’t have the clout that Bendis and Bru have, and that Marvel is probably pulling the strings, but still. Grow a pair you little patsy or, I kid you not, there will be a hole in my collection that starts at issue 501, and ends whenever you toddle off to ruin the next title Marvel hands you.

Nuv: Okay, I’m putting the lid back on the trash can, Ian The Grouch. JESUS! I think you buy stuff just so you have something to bitch about. You should do what you threaten to do and let your money speak for you. That would be more powerful than a thousand whiny, menstrual rants. Daredevil, a second-rate Batman until Frank Miller got a hold of him, is defined by whoever is writing him and whatever crazy hell they put him through. (My favourite was Brubaker’s powderkeg arc that had Daredevil, Kingpin, Bullseye and Punisher all in prison at the same time.) If they have the balls to leave him a bad guy after this I’ll be as pleasantly surprised as I would be if I read Ian’s name in the obituaries. Speaking of dead assholes, they’ll probably puss out and bring him back, but if they don’t, I think it’s a fitting revenge for DD to take Bullseye out the same way Bullseye took Elektra out. It brings a long storyline full circle using probably the most iconic image associated with the character. I will say, said iconic image is undermined by the mediocre art. Don’t let the excellent John Cassaday covers fool you. The insides are full of uninteresting, lumpy illustrations by Billy Tan. Speaking of uninteresting lumps, Ian’s major problem seems to be being forced to buy a second title because the exciting shit is happening in Shadowland rather than the Daredevil title. (He also says point blank that it’s probably not Diggle’s fault, but continues berating him anyways. Classy!) Curmudgeon’s warning be damned – if you can afford an extra $4 a month without having to take back pop cans and shit like Ian, Shadowland is worth a look. You can see for yourself if Marvel goes through with turning one of their B-List heroes into an A-List villain. You get Punisher, Wolverine, Spider-Man, Ghost Rider, Moon Knight, Luke Cage, Iron Fist and more, all in one place. Most importantly - it’s got mad ninjas!

Ian: Or you could ignore the advice of a guy who plays the crab lice in every comic book event’s pubes, and avoid this derivative turdheap. Instead donate your $4 to my Cure For Nuv Research Foundation, where we attempt to locate what it is that creates complete dirtbags, on a genetic level, and hope to one day eliminate the cause. Seriously, who’re you gonna trust? Me, the guy that actually reads Daredevil, or this walking hair product? The choice is yours, friends, but there really is no choice to be made.

Put two in the air…

– The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: CAGES! FISTING! SOMETHING ACTUALLY LESS KINKY THAN THAT SOUNDS! CAN YOU AFFORD THE HEROES FOR HIRE?
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

5. Crisis On Infinite Earths (Marv Wolfman / George Perez)
This was the magnum opus of my childhood comic collection. Before I, and the rest of the world, dipped our toes into the stone-cold, murky waters of Alan Moore and Frank Miller’s 1986 comics, superheroes were bright and cosmic and flashy. Their worlds had no shades of grey. You were right and in the Justice League, or wrong and in Arkham Asylum. Nobody died. That all changed in this mega-epic. As the title may have given away, this was a tale of an infinite amount of parallel universes (meaning multiple Supermen, Flashes, Green Lanterns, Lex Luthors, etc.), referred to in DC Comics as the Multiverse, being destroyed by…something. By the end of this series, one universe remained, with many, major deaths along the way, all illustrated in a never-before-or-since level of painstaking detail by George Perez. This series was so huge that all comics published by DC since it wrapped have been referred to as Post-Crisis. The list may get better, but it don’t get bigger than this.

4. All Star Superman (Grant Morrison / Frank Quitely)
Not only does A.S.S. have the best abbreviation in comics (next to All Star Batman And Robin…break it down, Ian. We’ll wait…), it matches the spectacle of The Death and Return of Superman, the eye candy of Kingdom Come, and the pathos of Alan Moore’s Superman stories (Whatever Happened To The Man of Tomorrow? / For The Man Who Has Everything). The common thread amongst all of the contenders here is that they are all different versions of The End for our Man of Steel. This one outdoes all but the Moore entries, and, in my opinion, matches them. As we’re not a soccer match, R2AK will be handing out no ties. I had to pick a winner, so I found a loophole that you’ll understand one paragraph from now, and here we are. If you want a more precise explanation as to what makes this the Superman story to beat, I wrote a whole article about it, when I named it my Book of The Decade. Reco’nize, sucker-fools!

3. DC Universe: The Stories of Alan Moore (Various Artists)
And, here’s the loophole. This anthology of Alan Moore’s DC superhero work, including the aforementioned For The Man Who Has Everything and Whatever Happened To The Man of Tomorrow?, the so-called “Last Superman Story,” does not hit a false note. True, the majority of it falls just short of great, but none of it is bad. So how does it make the list? Well, just based on the Superman inclusions, it would’ve made the cut, though maybe at a lower ranking. What leapfrogs it up to the third slot is only the greatest Joker story ever put to page, Batman: The Killing Joke. The Joker’s masterpiece of a master plan to drive Commissioner Gordon insane using midgets, a carnival, creepy nudity and a single bullet is…well, it’s f*$@ing insane. Even now, knowing what’s to come, I get chills when that door opens. (If you’ve read it, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, go read it. There is no third option.) The beautifully depraved illustrations by Brian Bolland are impossible to look away from. Like a car crash. John Higgins’ acid trip colouring is bat-s@*% crazy. And Joker’s joke that closes the story out…just, wow. Trust me. This one’ll kill ya. Feel free to borrow my copy, Ian.

2. The Dark Knight Returns (Frank Miller)
What can I even say? It takes all of the most important characters in Batman’s world, breaks them down to their most basic, and throws them into a near-apocalyptic near-future, and gives them all an ending, while harkening back to their beginnings in poignant ways. It’s dark as s@*% and cool as f*%@. It’s read best if you try to hear Clint Eastwood delivering Batman’s dialogue, as he makes his last stand in his greatest story. And it shaped comics, and my taste in them, for the next quarter-century, right up to the present day, along with my next, and final, pick…

1. Watchmen (Alan Moore / Dave Gibbons)
“Alan Moore? Again?!” Sho’you right! Some people feel it’s over-hyped or too obvious for lists like these. Others feel they’ve seen everything done here done in other graphic novels. The deconstruction of super-heroes. “Grim ‘n gritty.” Some people are overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information densely, yet elegantly, layered throughout this Reagan-era, Cold War tale of superheroes in their twilight in a world on the brink of nuclear war. They have some valid points. It is probably the most multi-layered graphic novel you’ll ever have suck you in, both in text and art. I suppose finding something new every time you re-read it isn’t necessarily for everyone. They have seen this elsewhere. That’s because everyone who’s put out a comic book since September 1986 has begged, borrowed or stolen from this. Those that haven’t, and go the exact opposite way, are still being influenced by Moore and Gibbon’s masterpiece into rebelling against it. It’s obvious for lists like this for a reason. It’s obviously still the single best product comic books have ever produced.

Put these five on your shelf. Put your five in the Comments.

Put one in the air…

– Nuv

NEXT ISSUE: WILL THE DEVIL TAKE DIGGLE’S DARE? PLUS: NINJAS!
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

• "I want you to remember, Rorschach...in your most private moments...while you sit atop this list...I want you to remember the one man who beat you." ••• "Ummm...I know you're Batman and all, but that doesn't even make sense. You didn't beat me. You came in second. Also, this list is on the WORLD WIDE WEB, so how private could it get? Jesus, no wonder you got Silver." ••• "...Shut up, pantyhose-head. Even when I lose, I win... Deploy: Bat-Slap!!" •

So, I’ve now read the landmark 700th issue of Superman. The verdict? Ehhh…

Much like Batman #700, and in fact, most milestone comics that reach triple-digits, the issue was comprised of multiple stories, authors and artists. The very nature of such anthologies, more often than not, leads to a mixed bag. Batman bucked the trend and rang in his new batch of grey pubes by having one author (and not just any author, but Grant Morrison!) write all three stories as chapters of one tale that spans three different eras, sets of artists and even three different Batmen! The Man of Steel, as has been the case since Frank Miller first had Batman beat Supes in a fight back in ‘86, will not step out of the shadow of his pointy-eared brother this go-round. Nice guys do finish last. Or at least second to rich orphans that encourage children to pick fights with armed adult psychopaths, and own cars that turn into motorcycles, and don’t even notice when Katie Holmes is transformed into Maggie Gyllenhaal by the power of Tom Cruise’s Level 9 Scientology-Wizard (aka Credit) Score. We now bring you back to your regularly scheduled ‘Stuff That L. Ron Hubbard Didn’t Make Up’…

The Comeback (by James Robinson & Bernard Chang)

The first story is something that is vastly superior to being killed, I guess. The Gary Frank cover, while well drawn, should’ve tipped me off. Its focus is Superman and Lois flying and gazing lovingly into each other’s I CAN’T EVEN FINISH THIS SENTENCE! HEY! DC COMICS!! CHICKS THAT LIKE RYAN GOSLING FILMS DO NOT READ SUPERMAN COMICS!!! (Sigh.) Don’t get me wrong. Lois is a great character. (Especially when played by the dirty-hot Erica Durance on ‘Smallville.’) How ‘bout you take advantage of the visual medium that is ‘The Comic Book’ and SHOW us why Superman loves her instead of telling us about it? And, while the climax of the story is some Super-boning, sorry to disappoint all you still-live-atchya-Mom’s house muh’f@¢%ers, the climax of the story happens off-panel. And five pages before the story ends. You’ll never guess what’s next…more bland James Robinson dialogue! It really compliments the off-putting Bernard Chang faces. Ya. Hoo. Eat a Kryptonite dick, story #1. You’re not even fit for Aquaman!

Geometry (by Dan Jurgens)

Story #2 was medium-default. By that, I mean, it was Mario. You know how when you select a character in, say, Mario Kart, there’s the big dudes, like Bowser and Donkey Kong that are a bit slower, but way tougher? And then there’s the little fast pussies, like Yoshi and Toad? And then there’s your average, all-around, middle-of-the-road dudes, like Mario, Luigi and Jay Haddow? Not great, not crappy, and they constantly smell like cilantro. This was that. Robin sneaks out of the house against strict orders to do his homework to bust up a crime on his own and, as predicted by Batman, gets in over his head. Superman helps out. The final panel reveals that Batman is one step ahead of them as usual. Like I said, so-so. The only thing that makes this slightly more important than I suggest is the involvement of Dan Jurgens, the man responsible for most of the Superman output of the 1990’s, including The Death (and Return) of Superman. Jurgens had a clean, classic style that defined the previous decade’s Super-books. I say had, because, much like John Byrne before him, something has made his style devolve. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just boring. Rather than eating a Kryptonite dick, I suppose, story #2, you can hang around. It’s easy enough to just pretend you’re not even there. Kinda like everyone does with ‘Superman IV.’

Grounded (by J. Michael Straczynski & Eddy Barrows)

The last story in the book was really good, though not quite great. That was because it was basically a teaser, setting up the new direction the series will be taking from here on out. Superman gets slapped in the face by some trick-ass trick and, like Jules in Pulp Fiction, and pre-jerk-off/belt-death Kane of Kung Fu fame before him, decides to walk the earth. To get back in touch with his roots and, because, sometimes when you’re always looking at the bigger picture, you miss the small details. The writing is everything the previous two stories were not. Starting with GOOD. J. Michael Straczynski is subtle, and realizes when to let the art do the talking. Eddy Barrows is up for the job. Reminiscent of classic Batman-artist Norm Breyfogle, his style is entirely unique and suited for the low-key moments, while framing everything in an epic manner. A solid start for a solid creative team. As for Supes, his journey begins on the last page, and continues next month in Superman #701, where Straczynski & Barrows will be joined by one of my favourite artists of all-time, John Cassaday, on covers. They will also be joined by me and my wallet every month. Ian (Remember him/her? Unfortunately, me too…) will be joined with a maxi-pad with roughly the same frequency.

All in all, as is the case with most highly anticipated events, it didn’t quite live up to expectations. Oh well. If you want to see how an anniversary issue should be done, I’ll let you read my favourite one: Justice League of America #200. I may be biased by nostalgia, and the writing is definitely of it’s time, but it still delivers everything a milestone issue should – a large cast and plot that spans the history of the title in as epic a manner as possible, as illustrated by the superstar artists of the day. Click the picture below and see for yourselves, ya sons-of-sacks-of-potatoes!

Speaking of milestones, DC’s month of them ends next week with Wonder Woman #600. It’s actually #45 of Volume 3, but they’re re-numbering it to what it would’ve been had Volume One gone uninterrupted. After I pick it up from the comic stoHAHAHA…[wipes tear] just kidding. F@¢% Wonder Woman! Either way you wanna read that statement is good with me…

Put one in the air, and one in the Amazon.

– Nuv

NEXT ISSUE: THE SITH TAKE THE STAGE!
TUNE IN: DIFFERENT IAN-TIME (MONDAY), SAME IAN-CHANNEL…