Batgirl #3

Ian: Well Babs has been back on her feet for a few months now and I gotta say this comic is getting better all the time. We still don’t know how she got out of her wheelchair but at least the teasers they’ve been dropping aren’t annoying. Who am I to tell Gail Simone what time it is? Her story itself is a good mix of superhero action and personal relationships, so I can definitely see why the character appeals to a wider audience than some of the other bat-books. Ardian Syaf and Vincente Cifuentes have been doing a great job of handling some pretty tricky action sequences and I really think Syaf’s pencil work gets stronger with every issue. What’s really appealing for me though are the colours. Ulises Arreola makes great use of (and really pulls off) his purples and pinks and that’s not something you see in other DC titles. All-in-all, this is definitely a book worth picking up. Oh, and did I mention Adam Hughes is absolutely KILLING IT on the covers?

Huntress #2

Ian: There have been some seriously questionable mini-series (and television shows) to come out of the Birds of Prey camp since their inception. This year’s six-issue Huntress series, thankfully, is one of the good ones. I’ve really gotta hand it to Paul Levitz on this book. His Helena-in-Italy story is a lot of fun and even though it’s dealing with a serious issue (human trafficking) the book itself isn’t miserable or preachy. The real reason to pick this book up, though, is Marcus To’s art. He’s a talented character artist and he’s great at facial expressions. He tends to choose clever angles to tell a great visual story, and his backgrounds are fully realized. John Dell’s inks are a great mix of big bold blacks for the dark scenes and minimalist, super-tight line work for the daytime scenes and Andrew Dalhouse’s colours are near-perfect. I honestly think that with a team like this DC could put out an ongoing Huntress book and find a decent readership. Think about it!

Nuv: BAM! Surprise article-invasion, WHAT?!

Birds of Prey #3

Nuv: Man, the title of this post is totally misleading! I thought I was finally going to get to see Venus slap the shit out of you. Anyway, who’da thunk that Simone, Barbara “Batgirl” Gordon and Huntress all flying the coop would result in Birds of Prey KICKING ASS?! I’d never been a fan of this title until now. Duane Swierczynski is absolutely killing it on the writing tip. It’s thanks to him the absence of the character most associated with the franchise (Barbara) doesn’t even matter! Duane made the newest Bird the flyest! A tattooed, tough-as-nails, smart-as-a-whip chick named Starling steals every scene she’s in.

Oh, and HOLY SHIT is artist Jesus Saiz living up to his first name! Lesser illustrators should pray to his pages. A beautiful, fun, adrenaline-filled ride, Birds of Prey accomplishes exactly what every bra-burning blog claims comics don’t do, and provides us with a rock-solid title starring strong female leads. Dowhutchyalike. Me? I’ll be picking up these lovely ladies every fourth Wednesday, ‘kay?

Ian: I took a reader poll, and nobody cares what you think.

Nuv: Word on the street is you’ve taken MANY poles.

Justice League #3

Ian: This week saw the triumphant return of Wonder Woman to the Justice League. Well, I guess it’s not so much of a “return” as it is “addition” seeing as though they’re still putting the team together “for the first time”. I know people have been more wary / critical of this book than any other title in the DC New 52 (and with good reason) but as a reader with almost no history with the JL, I’ve been having a really good time so far. And this issue, as far as I’m concerned, is the best one yet because of Wonder Woman. She’s cute and naïve and brave and violent and while she skirts the edge of bimbo-ism, I don’t think that’s the direction Geoff Johns is going to go with the character. This issue has great big fight scenes and Diana leads the charge. Good times!

Nuv: I concur. Justice League rules. It reads like a perfect blueprint for a JL movie. So, I guess if you don’t want a year-round summer blockbuster starring all of the A-List characters DC has to offer, forged by two A-List creators at the top of their game, then this title isn’t for you. ‘Cause fuck fun, you know?

Supergirl #3

Ian: Kara Zor-El (aka Supergirl!) has been having a pretty crappy time since she landed on Earth. She got the goofiest set of boots in the entire relaunch, her cousin keeps telling her what to do, and now some jackass named Simon Tycho is working on becoming her own personal Lex Luthor. On the upside, Michael Green and Mike Johnson are writing a GREAT story that has just the right amount of story and exposition without being a boring chore to read (see: Perez’s Superman). Also, I can’t believe that Mahmud A. Asrar has been able to keep up the quality of work he has. We’ve praised this book over and over in this column, and we’ll probably continue praising it because it’s hands-down one of the best books being published by ANY comic book publisher right now.

Wonder Woman #3

Ian: The history of the Greek gods has always been like an episode of Maury, and Azzarello’s run on Wonder Woman has been no different. Didja hear what happened?! As it turns out Diana wasn’t made from clay at all! (Crowd: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HELL naw!) Instead it turns out she’s the illegitimate product of Queen Hippolyta knockin’ the boots with Zeus himself! (crowd: Booooooooooo! Whore! Censor BEEEEP!) Now add the fact that the Amazons got duped into fighting and killing each other in the last issue, well, let’s just say that Paradise Island is a bit of a misnomer these days. Cliff Chiang is doing a great job of drawing all this crazy biz, and it’s gonna be a sad state of affairs when he leaves after issue four. But you know what? I bet the book is still gonna rock nuts when Tony Akins begins his run next year. Hooray!

Nuv: As you can see, DC actually has no shortage of female-driven titles. Sure, they’re of varying quality, but that’s true of the books starring dudes too. So, where do the rest of them stand? Well, Voodoo (the killer alien stripper!) is nice to look at, thanks to Sami Basri. The much-reviled Catwoman’s actually getting better by the issue. Batwoman’s been the cream of the crop from jump. I don’t count Hawk & Dove, because Liefeld characters do not remotely resemble humans, never mind gender. Which leaves…

Suicide Squad #3

Nuv: I actually dropped this shitpiece after the first issue, but I heard about this scene and thought I should point it out. Basically, Harley Quinn (Joker’s bitch) gets boned by Deadshot. And compares her vajeej to a clown car. Check the sleaze:

Because, you know, so many things go in and out of clown cars. Loose, not just in morals, apparently. Basically, one way to look at it is that DC seems to be trying to negate all of the strides they’re making with female portrayals in their other titles. Maybe we’re just not looking at the big picture though. Part of the mandate was to diversify, and the way I see it, sluts need heroes (and villains) to call their own too, right? Presto! Between this and Red Hood’s brain dead portrayal of Starfire, mission accomplished! One of each! Jeez! Don’t be so prejudice guys! Doughboy said it best back in Boyz N The Hood: “hoes gotta eat too!”

Ian: And, perfect segue for Nuv to go have dinner! That’s it for now! I’m sure we’ll be revisiting this topic in upcoming articles because, like I said, there’s a boatload of great creators working on great super-heroine titles right now. Sure there can always be more and I’m sure the popularity of these titles will make that happen, but in the meantime there really are a pile of books worth checking out, so go check ‘em out already!

Until next week! Put two in the air…

– The Big Two

These are the new additions to my monthly pulls. Enjoy suckas!

Batman

There’s nothing certain in life but death and taxes. And the fact that Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo’s Batman is the crown-jewel of DC’s entire re-launch. And the fact that as long as Nuv lives, local EMS crews will be responding and removing objects wedged in his anus.

Wonder Woman

I’ve never really cared about Wonder Woman, aside from her role as “Most Smoochable Member of the Justice League”, but this book is amazing and I’m really looking forward to reading it every month. Side note: Nuv’s MSMJL is Superman’s red underpants. Overpants? Anyways, they’re gone! GET OVER IT NUV.

Aquaman

He’s a space fish with a heart of gold. Sometimes vans get flipped over! Where one stands at the shore, two stand because MERA! In summation, I’m buying this book but I’m NOT PROUD OF IT.

Batgirl

I’m not pulling it, Venus is! But you know what? I like it too. Babs has been in that wheelchair LONG ENOUGH I tells ya. That Limey kook Alan Moore shot her like, forever ago? Hello? Anyway, she’s crime fighting again (with 100% more running and kicking!) and I’m down like James Brown.

Swamp Thing

It’s funny how Scott Snyder made Swamp Thing (a character NO ONE cared about since Alan Moore was sane) one of the big hits of the new DC universe. Choose your own dis!

If you choose “You want funny? No one has EVER cared about Nuv!” go to page 231.

If you choose “I’d like to see Nuv get a ‘big hit’ from a Greyhound bus!” go to page 74.

The Flash

Let’s face it, this comic could be called Manapul Monthly and feature homeless people converting shopping carts into makeshift Canada geese barbeques and it would sell just as many copies. Sheeeee-IT! I’d even read a mother flippin’ SUPERMAN comic if Francis Manapul was drawing it.

Demon Knights

If I hadn’t agreed to read all 52 #1’s, there is no way I would have given this book the time of day. If it was like “Pardon me, can you tell me what time…” I’d be like “Go fuck yerself Demon Knights!” Anyway, as it turns out I found a Justice of the Peace willing to perform the ceremony and now the first two issues and I are GETTING MARRIED next SUNDAY at the Unitarian Church!

Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E.

Alberto Ponticelli’s art reminds me of a shakier (but not sloppy!) Sean Phillips and Jeff Lemire is rightfully gaining popularity for his creepy-cool stories. The second issue is even better than the first and you know what? Nuv Takhar will personally pay each of our readers $20 if Lemire and Ponticelli aren’t co-CEOs of DC comics by the tenth issue.

Supergirl

I brought this one home only to have it snatched from my hands by the lovely and thieving Venus Toshiba. So we’re pulling this one alright, although I have to wait my turn to read it. Sad story, you guys! Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that Mahmud Asrar’s art is a gorgeous cross between Tim Sale and Francis Manapul.

Batwoman

Everyone knew J.H. Williams the THREE was gonna bring his A-game since before this book became his baby. Hell, even I knew that and I can’t stand babies! Also, the second issue has amazing fight scenes with cutaway x-ray panels showing fist-and-foot-fractured bones. AMAZING!

Animal Man

This comic is like this column. You can’t have a good thing (me) without something gross (Nuv). I didn’t really want to pull Animal Man because I don’t like the art very much, but the story is gonna smash into Swamp Thing in a great big way and I don’t want to be stuck with half a story. Meh!

Justice League

My therapist says I can’t stay mad at Jim Lee forever over the FIASCO OF LATENESS known as All-Star Batman and Robin. He also said I couldn’t set his desk on fire and peel out of the parking lot hoisting the middle finger while cranking Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway. Ka-pow! INCORRECT ON ALL COUNTS! Anyhoo, Justice League is pretty sweet and there are only two members so far.

Also, technically, this book is the first of the New 52 to be late. Yeesh…

Anyway, that’s it for my 12-issue subscription additions! How am I funding it all, you might ask? Well Nuv has hipped me to opportunities in the booming after-hours bathhouse masseur industry, so that’s always an option. Also, the guys at my local comic shop (THE CONNECTION REPRESENT!) have an amazing discount system for regular customers. Also, I dumped a bunch of Marvel comics.

HOLY SHIT WHAT?! More on that next week?!

– Ian

PART ONE

WEEK 2 CONTINUED…

Animal Man #1 by Jeff Lemire, Travel Foreman and Dan Green

Mark: Holy shit. This book was fantastic. Creepy as all get out. As soon as I finish writing these reviews for my slave driver, er… for Nuv, I’m e-mailing my LCS and having Animal Man added to my pull list.

Nuv: Awesome! Lemire’s story is perfect. Travel Foreman’s art is kinda love it or hate it. His trippy sequences involving A-Man using his powers are the highpoint, and more of those in future issues will remove the one blemish on this title. If you tried to remove the blemishes from this column, I’d be the only one left here writing, fo’reals!

Ian: You know how I can tell my buddy at the local comic shop is on drugs? He swore to me over and over that Animal Man was the best comic in the New DCU so far. Did you watch that train-wreck show called “No Ordinary Family”? That was one case of why you should never mix family with comics. This is another.

Nuv: You should never mix your family with ANYTHING. Halt the genetic tomfoolery that is the Explosivo family tree, here and now. FOR THE SAKE OF ALL OF OUR EYES!!

Justice League International #1 by Dan Jurgens and Aaron Lopresti

Ian: First page, BOOM! FAIL! I don’t really like anything involving Booster Gold or the DC Universe C-listers (and Batman so you’ll buy the book!), so this comic is a bit of a conundrum for me. On one hand, it sucks. On the other hand, they so brazenly ripped off Marvel’s Sentinels I can’t get my shit together.

Mark: Booster Gold feeling insecure, Guy Gardner storming out, Batman sneaking in, female characters standing around… yeah, this book had it all. If “it all” means everything I needed to see to know to ignore future issues. I wish I’d followed that same instinct after my first column with you morons…

Nuv: Jurgens again? Shee-it! Look Daniel-san: nobody gives a shit about the “International” aspect of JLI. It was known for Beetle, Booster and “Bwah-Ha-Ha.” If you’re not going to give us two of those three things, and you’re going to stick the one you do give us in a shitty, overly bulky new costume, just name it something else. Let’s see… unnecessary bulk, the opposite of funny… how about JLIW: Justice League Ian’s Writing?

Men of War #1 by Ivan Brandon and Tom Derenick

Ian: I remember back when Viking came out, Ivan Brandon’s writing didn’t make any goddamn sense whatsoever, but these days he can really rock a typewriter. FFWD>> to Men of War where the story is coherent and the art is super sweet and there’s a nifty little back-up story to (army) boot. So there you have it!

Mark: No. You have it. The main story here worked well enough as an introduction, but there needs to be more substance in future issues. What we got here was like the smell of dinner wafting in from the kitchen. I want to be able to actually dig in and get to the meat of it. The back up was alright, but nothing special. Just like you two.

Nuv: War is hell. Comic is surprisingly good. Give a bitch a chance, give a dog a bone. Know’m’sayin’?

Mark: Nobody knows what you’re saying.

Nuv: Who asked you, Soft Serve?

Mark: You did, dumbass.

Ian: Ha! It’s true! Fuck you with facts, Nuv!

Nuv: Fax?

Ian: FACTS, MOTHERFUCKER! FACTS!

Nuv: Huh. Just so you guys out there know, Mark paused and put on sunglasses when he delivered that “You did” like he’s David Caruso and shit…

OMAC #1 by Dan Didio and Keith Giffen

Mark: If you are not a fan of Jack Kirby’s work for DC, then this book is not for you. This book is not for me. I’m a little surprised they didn’t call the series “OMAC Smash.”

Nuv: Looks exactly like Kirby. Which is a plus, in a retro-throwback way. The story failed to grab me. Much like every girl Ian’s lured into his brown van. Tiny white man < pepper spray.

Ian: I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE KEVIN WAS OMAC THE WHOLE TIME! Oops…

Static Shock #1 by John Rozum, Scott McDaniel & Jonathan Glapion

Ian: What could possibly be more awesome than learning about electrical theory while reading a comic about a guy floating around on a honeycomb (?) disc and fighting a big ball of zap? Uncles and aunts, buy this for your nephews and nieces for their next birthday.

Mark: I wonder if Virgil/Static has Aspergers? He’s supposed to be a genius, but doesn’t understand why civilians don’t like to be tossed around by superheroes, or have their cars shut down mid-span on a bridge. Anyways… I found this issue to be dull.

Nuv: I literally fell asleep on two different occasions trying to read this. To be fair, the second time was ‘cause I was up all night porkin’ Ian’s mom.

Stormwatch #1 by Paul Cornell and Miguel Sepulveda

Mark: I like that the Martian Manhunter ditches the Justice League for Stormwatch when he wants to get some real work done. Other than that, I didn’t find anything else particularly clever about this book. There certainly wasn’t anything here that hasn’t already been done (and done better) in an Authority book.

Nuv: Yeah, the best part was MM, who’s always been overshadowed and underused in the past. The rest was average. I do like Paul Cornell’s writing though (see his excellent Action run starring Lex Luthor) so, for a chance to see my favourite Martian shine, I’ll keep an eye on it. For now.

Ian: This comic is PRETTY BORING you guys, but under the right circumstances / influences I can see how this the art on a couple of pages could make you trip balls. In summation, Martian Manhunter deserves better.

Swamp Thing #1 by Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette and Francesco Francavilla

Ian: Remember back when Marvin Gaye wrote “What’s Going On?” and made the environment cool-beans? Well that’s kinda what Snyder’s done here. Go Swamp Thing!

Mark: This issue proved that no one other than Jim Lee can draw the new Superman costume without it looking stupid. Also, see my review for Animal Man and replace all instances of that title with Swamp Thing.

Nuv: Art? Yannick Paquette’s is drop dead gorgeous, and he’s going to be alternating arcs with the also-amazing Francesco Francavilla. Story? Scott Snyder’s script TAKES the torch from the shadow of Alan Moore that hangs over this title. And then hogties the shadow, shaves it’s wiccan beard off, makes it squeal like a pig and apologize to Jason Aaron. Together, they give us a moody, epic beginning, a uniquely conflicted main character, a frighteningly cool bad guy and even cooler-looking creepy cronies (below), and a perfect “together again for the first time” type of ending. Dripping with dread from start to finish, this is a perfect comic book, top to bottom. As much as I loved Justice League and Action, and even Animal Man, Swamp Thing is the one to beat so far.

– The Big Three

NEXT ISSUE: MORE #1′S WITH THE BIG THREE!
MARK (HEH) OFF YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAVE NUV-CHANNEL…

August 31st: the first title hits, and The Big Two once again “invited” Mark (at gunpoint) to join them, this time in reading and reviewing ALL 52 #1s! Comics (and Mark) were never the same…

WEEK 1

Justice League #1 by Geoff Johns and Jim Lee

Mark: I have to admit, I was underwhelmed by this issue. It’s not that it was bad, or that there was anything particularly wrong with it… I just wanted more Justice League and less of the Green Lantern and Batman issue of Brave and the Bold. It looked beautiful. The story is perfectly fine. I’ll get the second issue, but I’m not super pumped about this book right off the bat.

Nuv: …and: scene! OK, first of all fuck everything he just said. Anyone who doesn’t like this issue? It’s because they built up their expectations to unrealistic levels and placed the pressure of justifying this whole reboot on it’s shoulders. Taken on it’s own: it’s the shit! Jim Lee (barring an odd sequence that makes me think he’s never watched a game of football in his life) fires on all cylinders here and Geoff Johns crafts a clever, accessible script that nevertheless never dumbs it down for the old readers and moves at a brisk clip. Their Batman is always one step ahead. Jim’s display of Green Lantern’s powers is imaginative and appropriately flashy, while Johns gives him the line of the issue (“You can’t fly so how else were we going to get here? Talk in a deep voice?”) And the entrance of “This Ain’t Your Daddy’s” Superman steals the whole show away from them both. I still don’t like the costume redesign, but Lee even almost makes that look good. We don’t meet the whole team right away, but we will. Does this issue re-invent the wheel? No. Does it throw 20s on that motherfucker and roll right over the competition? Yes. This is fun and fresh feeling despite the familiar-ish faces, and as epic as a title created by/starring DC’s biggest/best should be. A summer blockbuster with charismatic leads, sharp dialogue and crisp direction. If you dig down and honestly don’t like this, you don’t like comics.

Ian: This book was a lot of fun. The only way in the world I’d ever read a Justice League book is if it went right back to the beginning, and that’s exactly what you get here. The heroes don’t know each other and on first meeting don’t even like each other. Just like Nuv and I! Except we STILL don’t like each other.

Mark: Can’t say I blame either of you…

WEEK 2

Action Comics #1 by Grant Morrison and Rags Morales

Ian: Kind of a dumb story and bad art. What? The art is atrocious. The scene where Clark is talking to his meth addict (?) landlady is especially creepy considering Rags Morales drew them both with the same face! The best thing about this book is when Supes gets shot by the tank and says “GD” and all of the American Christians lost their shit over blasphemy. Jesus damn!

Mark: I have very mixed feelings about this one. The art was hit and miss, and the story wasn’t sensational… but I noticed a lot of little clues hidden throughout the story, and I am excited to see where Morrison is going with it all. Action is definitely staying on my pull list. I think I just really wanted to be blown away by this issue, but instead I just got a really good comic.

Nuv: Mark, only you could say “…instead I just got a really good comic” and have it be a bad thing. If you were a DC character you’d be Jade. Other than a few occasions of Forest Whitaker Eyes, Rags Morales’ art was exceptional. You know why? Because it embodied the title of this comic. He and Grant Morrison set out to give us a Superman (and Clark) that did not slow down or stop moving until being forced to in the final panel. After years of Moperman going on walkabouts and crying into his cape like an emo-sexual, here’s a Supes that DOES shit! So don’t believe the hype kids. I have faith in Morrison. He gave us the return to the “Big 7″ JLA in the late 90s. He gave us All-Star Superman. He gets it! And so will I, and so should you. Bitter bloggers, cult members and dickless midgets be GD’d…

Batgirl #1 by Gail Simone and Ardian Syaf

Ian: Basically the opposite of Action Comics. Great story, great art, ’nuff said. This has all the signs of a really great run and I’m glad they’re not glossing over Babs’ shooting, paralysis and recovery.

Mark: Batgirl was the second of the Week 2 releases that I read. On first reading, I enjoyed it more than Action Comics. Looking back though, I think it was actually quite dull. It was very straight forward. I really don’t like the idea of Barbara Gordon walking again brushed off so quickly as “a miracle,” and can only hope that Gail Simone goes into more detail soon. As it was, this was a very un-Simone comic. Issue 2 is a maybe.

Nuv: You are very conflicted Mark. One must exercise patience with serial entertainment. Often answers are not laid out at the beginning. One might even find that half the fun is the hunt!

Mark: So, you liked it?

Nuv: Nah. I like that they didn’t sweep The Killing Joke or her time as Oracle under the rug, and have even made it an important achilles heel going forward. I don’t like the bummy art. And I still think she served more of a purpose as Oracle. But, what do I know? Maybe wheelchair kids don’t need someone to look up to. Or across at, or whatever. Verdict? This title is okay as fuck! Almost yay!

Mark: Uhhh… what exactly was the point of arguing with me forever when you came to the same conclusion in the end?

Nuv: ‘Cause I does what the fuck I wants, son!

Batwing #1 by Judd Winick and Ben Oliver

Ian: How in the HELL did this comic end up being so great? I mean really, who saw this coming? Marvel never could pull off a proper African superhero (sorry Storm and Black Panther, but you’re lame) but Judd Winick and Ben Oliver NAIL this one. Beheadings galore!

Mark: This wasn’t awful. In fact, it might have been a better Batman comic than Detective Comics was. But, ethnic diversity aside, if I want to read a Batman comic, I’ll read Batman.

Nuv: It’s racist to not like this comic.

Ian: Yeah, bigot.

Mark: OK, first of all, why are you siding with him?! You LIKE this comic! And Nuv, you JUST told me you didn’t like this comic!

Nuv: Exactly!

Mark: So you’re racist?!

Nuv: Got that right, ya cracker-ass cracker!

Ian: White devil!

Mark: YOU’RE WHITE, JERKOFF!

Ian: Ha! You wish, Casper!

Mark: I can’t believe I’m voluntarily spending time with you idiots…

Detective Comics #1 by Tony Daniel

Ian: I didn’t intend to pick it up but it was a slow week so I thought, hey why not? And man, am I ever glad I did. Tony Daniel has set up a really creepy story with a new villain called The Dollmaker who’s all up in the Joker’s grill, cutting off people’s faces and shit. I’m in!

Mark: This book is garbage. Where Animal Man and Swamp Thing excelled in the creepy department (see tomorrow’s post), the new ‘Tec just tried too hard.

Nuv: I done told you mu’fuckers already that Tony Daniel’s a dinkbot. As much as I loathed most of this issue, I loved the last page…

…mostly because I love shock value violence and hate all faces that are not my own.

Ian: YOUR MOMS are try-hard garbage dinkbots and whatever other shit you said!

Mark: [rolls eyes] Zing. You sure showed us.

[UPDATE: Nuv read Detective Comics #2 just before this post went up, “…AND IT’S AWESOME! SERIOUSLY! I grabbed it on a whim and I’m glad I gave it a second chance. Even Mark, who also hated #1, agrees! I don’t want to spoil anything, so I’ll just say if ‘Batman meets House Of 1000 Corpses’ sounds intriguing, this one’s for you…”]

Green Arrow #1 by JT Krul and Dan Jurgens

Ian: This book is, and I’m not joking here, the worst comic book I’ve ever read. The story is stupid and what’s worse, it’s badly written. Sure, the character is idiotic to begin with (ARROWS?), but that’s no excuse for how corny this book is and how sub-par the art is.

Mark: They lost me at Q-Pads and Q-Phones. Here’s a Q-Tip for you… don’t try to take a well known corporate identity and convert it to fit into your superhero world. Bruce Wayne doesn’t run a company called Wapple. Don’t try to turn Oliver Queen into a vigilante Steve Jobs/Tim Cook. Also, the villains in this issue were ridiculous.

Nuv: Dammit, who keeps grabbing Dan Jurgens from the nineties? WE JUST PUT HIM BACK THERE, FOR FUCKSAKES!! You’re gonna fuck around and cause another Flashpoint and then Mark will murder-suicide this place. Mark (heh) my words, you!

Mark: [groan]

Hawk and Dove #1 by Sterling Gates & Rob Liefeld

Nuv: heh. heh. haha. ohhh. mu-ha-ha… (wanders around, creepily whisper-laughing to himself, clearly distraught; leaves room)

Mark: I can’t believe I actually read this book. The best commentary I’ve seen on this issue came from iFanboy, where Paul Montgomery said, “To put it simply, it feels like Hawk wrote and drew this book himself. And he isn’t qualified.”

Ian: I just don’t understand who this book is aimed at? Like, what possible demographic would want to read about Hawk & Dove? (As drawn by “No Feet” Liefeld no less! That’s a whole demographic of foot fetishists you’ve alienated RIGHT THERE numb-nuts.)

Nuv: …gah. Hoo hoo hah! jesuswhy… (in other room, slapping self about the face and chest)

Ian: What the fuck is…

Nuv: (returns dressed up like Al Pacino in Dick Tracy) NYARRR! (clears desk in fit of rage) I WANT. ROB. LIEFELD. DEEEEAAAAAAADDDDD!!!!!

Ian: Nothing of actual value to add to this?

Nuv: I could take up a whole column. Instead I’ll cite one example and summarize. Other than a “guy” whose mouth is sewn shut, 39 faces (of a possible 79) in this issue are THIS:

When everyone’s not taking a shit/doing an impression of Chuck D/Clint Eastwood (admittedly, that sounds like someone I’d wanna hang out with. If this is the result though, I’ll pass)… well, I have no end to that sentence. Everyone is ALWAYS Chuck-Clint taking a shit!

Hawk & Dove CAN be interesting. (See Justice League cartoon, where they’re voiced by Kevin & Wayne Arnold!) Liefeld can NOT. Don’t buy this! Even if your life depends on it. Just kill yourself. Trust me, it’ll be more pleasant. And anatomically correct. With less hidden feet.

– The Big Three

NEXT ISSUE: MORE #1′S WITH THE BIG THREE!
MARK (HEH) OFF YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAVE NUV-CHANNEL…

The Day The Music Died

Pops passed away at the beginning of the summer. We used Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here for a slideshow at the funeral, and now I can’t listen to them without “something getting in my eye.” When my grandma died a few years ago, we used a Beatles song with similar results. Note to self: use shittier bands for funerals…

Same Same

Why has no one cast Elias “Casey Jones” Koteas, Christopher “Kick-Ass Fag” Meloni and DeNiro as brothers? Maybe because THEY’RE THE SAME GUY!! In related news: ever wonder why you’ve never seen Omar Epps and Mike Tomlin at the same time…

Best And Worst

Minus 30 Rock (thanks Tina Fey’s unborn child) the Thursday night comedies are back! Oh, and Wednesday’s Modern Family. I love Al Bundy’s kooky family (especially the “intelligently retarded” Phil Dunphy). Aziz and Ron Swanson are the shit on Parks and Recreation. James Spader is creepin’ up on The Steve Carrell-less Office. In a roomful of heavyweights, Community wins by a Mayweather-style “while you were apologizing” KO. It remains one of the best/most creative shows on television. And this season fuckin’ Omar from The Wire is on it! Even with guest stars of that caliber, it’s still all about Troy and Abed at the end of the day. Don’t believe me? BAM!

See? T&A are the best duo since… well since T&A. Or at least since these dudes, rendered giving each other pounds by the best-named artist ever, Henry The Worst. Behold: Dap Bros!

I know I said no segues, but that last one reminds me: THIS!

Fade To Black/Spanish

All this Troy-talk got me thinking – whether they admit it or not, I’d chalk this next one up to his campaign to play Spider-Man, despite not being a cracker-ass cracker: The first issue of Marvel’s much-hyped half-black/half-hispanic Ultimate Spider-Man came out. And? Well, it was pretty good. Too bad history (via the pen of JSM!) shows us it won’t last…

And maybe it was a blessing in disguise not getting the Spidey role, Troy. It left you more time to sharpen up them rap skills and drop this:

Please Hammer, Hurt ‘Em!

I saw Drive. You should too. I was blown away. I shouldn’t have expected anything less from the oddly named Nicolas Winding Refn. (Fuck off! Stick a vowel in there!) He did direct the equally weird/amazing Bronson. Well, you’re 2 for 2 with me Refn, despite your overly-European last name…

Driven by the top-notch, less-is-more acting of Ryan Gosling and a throbbing synth-y score, this movie is off the fuckin’ hook! Quiet poignant moments are punctuated with bursts of mega-violence, super-innovative car chase sequences and the most tense yet elegant elevator ride since 14 of us got stuck between the 4th and 5th floors, drunk, a few weeks ago and had to stage an action movie escape. (OK. So the doors came apart with minimal effort and we had to crawl and jump a few feet max. Not as cool as having to climb out the top and scale the cable in a wife-beater and say some “I’m too old for this shit” type of shit. Still, it was exciting at the time. YOU SHUT UP!)

Ahem. Where was I… oh yeah. Drive. Excellent film. I can blame Miss Teen USSR for both the real elevator incident (her birthday party) and being dragged to see her boy Gosling in a new film (her birthday proper). I’d say it evens out. So if you see me driving around in a scorpion jacket waving a hammer around out the window, you can blame her for that too…

Nuv’s “Sexist” Slap-a-Bitch Sentiment Of The Day

Behold! An image from some webcomic called Yearling. Haven’t read it. Just liked the art and the vaguely creepy overtones of this image. Not because I endorse pseudo-rape imagery. But because I love stuff that will piss off the overly-sensitive man-child pussies and wanna-be feminist blogosphere. And because I’m a cad. Fuck ‘em! Actually, this one will probably get a pass because it’s an indie. Meanwhile, DC’s Catwoman and Red Hood are “THE END OF THE WORLD!!” You’re not wrong guys, but it has nothing to do with Catwoman and Batman fucking. It’s because they’re shitty comics. You can just say that instead of burning a bra and hating sex because you don’t get any. Cool?

My (Guided) View On Digital Comics

Finally: I bought an iPad. And I’ve been reading a lot of comics digitally. I was skeptical, but I have to say, it’s pretty awesome. And not just because it will be lessening the amount of giant boxes I have to constantly move around. They’re actually doing a good job of making the experience very different from reading the print version. Looking at a static scan of a comic page on a computer monitor or iPad isn’t gonna hold a candle to physically having a piece of art in your hand. BUT a few of these mofos went and got all innovative on us. Most of the big publishers are using the Comixology engine and one of its features is Guided View. Double-tapping the screen activates it, and then a swipe of the finger takes you through the comic cinematically, panel to panel. Not only that, it will stop and focus in on things they want you to dwell on. (A background detail; a subtle change in a character’s expression; a clue that only Batman and now, you, are privy to etc). And it’ll open up at appropriate times – a giant, detailed splash page, for example – and allow you to see the scope of the artist’s money shots. Essentially, it forces you to read the comic exactly as the creators meant for you to read it. It changes the pace, feel, mood, EVERYTHING, about the experience of reading comics. I love it. And if you have an iPad, you really need to check it out ’cause you will too.

Start, like I did, with Justice League #1. Reading it with Guided View instantly turned it into a mini-summer blockbuster, and that was the verdict of not just me, but some folks who don’t normally read comics, aka the prime targets of DCs relaunch. This coupled with the consistent sell-outs of the DC’s #1 print editions at the comic shops makes me think DC’s already gotta be viewing the New 52 as a success. Here’s hoping Marvel stops worrying about looking like they’re copying DC and goes day-and-date digital too. I know it’s gonna hurt your pride admitting that the “Distinguished Competition” is leading the way for the first time in a long time, but don’t get left behind. It’s gonna take both of you to save the industry. Stop the clichéd “fight each other” part of the story and get to the team up already…

Digital Comics 2: Electric Boogaloo

Another reader I got for my iPad is called Double Feature. The app is free, and you can buy comics within it. Two 8-page short stories for .99¢. I bought one called Action Double Feature #2, and one of the stories is okay enough, if a little bit of a Tick rip-off. The other one is great.

The Liar, illustrated by Hulk artist Gabriel Hardman, is a tight, fun, smart spy thriller. Considering it cost half a buck, go out on a limb and trust that it’s worth your time. What blew me away even more than what I read was how I read it. Since for some reason they aren’t part of the Comixology family they don’t use their patented Guided View tech. Instead, they turn each comic into a special edition DVD with features you can turn on or off with a tap of the finger. Features that take you behind the process like commentary from the creators and the ability to view the comic pages normally, minus the word balloons, pencil and ink minus the color, or stripped all the way down to the rough pencil sketches.

Look. The Liar rules, as does Gabriel Hardman, and Double Feature makes this little gem shine even brighter, no lie. Buy that shit!

Bye. And shit.

– Nuv

Apps to get you started: Comics by Comixology • DC Comics • Double Feature
Mo’ comic apps fo’ yo’ ass: Marvel • Image • Dark Horse • IDW • Boom! • Dynamite • Comic Zeal

PS – This here is dedicated to someone I’d like to Kickpunch: that turd-nado Ian Explosivo. May he fuck off and die horribly.

If you don’t buy this right now, you don’t like superheroes… comics… fun… LIFE! Now go forth! Tie a towel around your neck or go commando like Supes and walk/run/fly your ass to your local comic shop and cop you a copy pronto! And no need to fly backwards around the earth if they’re sold out. (OR if you’re lazy OR running out of space for comic boxes) Make the switch from paper to pixel and let your chubby little digits do the walking – download the day-and-date* digital edition from the DC Comics app on your iPhone/iPad/iWhatever or Comixology on your computer.

*that means they both release at the same time, something Ian Premature-Ejaculate-sivo has never experienced

I’ll be back in the near future to pickup where we left off and talk about this (and the rest of the relaunch) with Ian and maybe (assuming we can get him to drop the restraining order) Mark Campbell. For now here’s some mo’ motherfuckin’ Jim Lee FOR YOUR FACES!

– Nuv

PART ONE • PART TWO • PART THREE • PART FOUR

Superman by George Pérez and Jesus Merino

Mark: I am so glad that Perez is only writing this book. Because the new costume (which is dumb enough as it is… knee pads? Really? He’s the Man of Steel.) looks worse than normal when Perez draws it.

Ian: George Perez is old and crusty. So is Superman. Perfect fit!

Mark: It doesn’t really matter because I’m saving my Superman allowance for…

Action Comics by Grant Morrison and Rags Morales

Mark: ‘Nuff said.

Ian: A new Action Comics #1! Do you know how much the original #1 is worth kids? Better buy 50 copies of the re-boot just in case! DC is actually marketing the book like this. To Nuv.

Nuv: Look. I get it. I had a hard time getting past resetting the longest-runnning comic back from 900+ back to 0. I got over it. This is actually a brave and bold move. Letting go to look ahead is hard. If you’ve been on one path since 1938, to change courses? DC’s playing Superman here, leading the way, giving the rest of the industry something to look up to, and hopefully, saving the day. It’s at least partly working. Everybody’s talking about them. Leaping headfirst into digital comics with day-and-date releases is probably the biggest move into the future from a notoriously nostalgic industry.

As for the comic itself? Well, the faith I have in the creative team on Action went a long way in helping me get over all my trepidation. I’m actually as excited for Morrison and Morales’ Action as I am for Johns and Lee’s Justice League. And, DC, I know you’re trying to look ahead. (Though, while I’m more forgiving of Pérez than most, he hardly seems like an infusion of fresh blood.) I promise I’m okay with change, when it makes sense, and attention on my favourite superhero, as well as (I’m sure) trying to line him up with the upcoming movie, are all good things. And you wanna do away with any elements that can be construed as “of their time,” cool. So what’s the biggest problem in your eyes? The underwear. Wait. What?

Superman is one of those things that has transcended being just a comic, or a character, or a costume. He’s an icon. A symbol. Universal. Timeless. You don’t need to change the look of something that’s timeless. You can modernize the concept, the character, whatever. People always claim he’s unrelatable, (I, for one, am sick of the attempts to make an emo-gaylord out of him) so start there. First superhero, kick-ass leader, there’s a lot already there. Somewhere along the way Action Comics (barring the Johns/Frank run and the period where Lex took over the book) became REAction Comics. Fine. Clean break. Make a man outta Mac. Give us a reason to “Look! Up in the sky!” again. I’ll tell you this though – it ain’t the threads that need updating, DC. From a business standpoint, the branding has history. Disbelief long suspended, underwear accepted. From an artistic standpoint the suit needs that field of red breaking up the blue. But, whatever. If you are going to change that for the sake of “not dating” him, do it for the better. Don’t change to dodge lawyer bullets. Change to move forward DC. Not sideways. Not backwards. Up, up and away, right? So, how the hell are kneepads and 90s-Image cosplay boots any better than the underoos? Come on! While Ian tells me kneepads come in handy in his (the oldest) profession, WHY WOULD SUPERMAN NEED THEM?!

Some things are meant to be forever. Superman is one of those. You don’t spit into the wind, you don’t tug on his cape, and, to me, he wears his underwear on the outside. I guess he can’t put it on in a phone booth anymore. Whatever. There’s probably an App for that. And you’ll probably make the Daily Planet a blog. But I digress. My argument works both ways. Maybe by October the genius of Kryptonian kneepads will be realized. I don’t know.

I do know one thing. There’s a whole universe at stake here, DC. This looks like a job for Superman.

Let’s see if he’s up to the task.

– The Big Three

PART ONE • PART TWO • PART THREE

Teen Titans by Scott Lobdell, Brett Booth & Norm Rapmund

Mark: What. The. Hell? I briefly touched on this yesterday and wrote at length about my reaction to this book here. This book raises so many questions. For instance, was Tim Drake a Robin? The solicitation says he is “forced to step out from behind his keyboard.” I have no idea what DC means by that. If he was a Robin, it means that Batman is now on his fourth Robin… but he is also supposed to be in the early days of his career now. This aspect of the new DC history alone is enough to make me wonder how they plan to hold together a cohesive universe.

Nuv: If they really wanted to try something different with DC’s teen heroes, I read an amazing idea/pitch over at Comics Alliance, that would’ve also given a home to some other interesting heroes that maybe couldn’t carry their own titles, from Metamorpho to The Atom. D.C.U.: A university for Superheroes. I’d buy that shit. Whatevs to this hokum.

Ian: Teens these days have no respect.

Static Shock by John Rozum, Scott McDaniel & Jonathan Glapion

Ian: Oh man, Static is just like Marvel’s Electro. Except Static is a black teenager, not a villain and has a totally different origin story, costume and publisher. Otherwise, exactly the same as Electro.

Mark: While I am not familiar with Rozum’s work, he was good friends with Dwayne McDuffie (Static’s creator), and was a Milestone writer back in the day. So he should be a good man to carry the torch. McDaniel does high-flying action books like no one else, so great choice there. Oh, and this is the third title on the list of black men with their own books.

Nuv: Where’s Black Lightning?

Hawk & Dove by Sterling Gates & Rob Liefeld

Mark: Liefeld. I don’t think I need to say anything else here. Nuv?

Nuv: AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ian: The only way I’d read this book is if Hawk & Dove get killed after the first issue. Liefeld & Nuv too.

Blue Beetle by Tony Bedard and Ig Guara

Mark: Hey look! Ethnic diversity expands beyond men of African American (or just straight up African, in Batwing’s case) descent! I’ll give Jaime Reyes another shot.

Ian: I took a survey of the whole world: Nobody wants to buy this book. Sorry T-Bed.

Nuv: They probably should’ve put BB in Justice League International, where he has a chance, and given a solo title to, oh, I don’t know, maybe Flashpoint’s kid-friendly, Devastator-ass take on S.H.A.Z.A.M., complete with thinly-veiled Battle Cat. Hmm? Something more diverse? How about one of my kind, like the dapper, tea-drinking Outsider of India? Give them bun-kids someone to look up to. Right now, it’s pretty much Russell Peters, Kumar, Apu, Aziz , Abed and me. (Mohinder got kicked out of the band.) Actually, that would make a pretty rad team book… Power Pakis, anyone?

The Fury of Firestorm by Ethan Van Sciver & Gail Simone and Yildiray Cinar

Mark: When I was a kid I had the DC Superpowers Firestorm action figure. I didn’t know what his powers were, but his Head. Was. On FIRE! It was the eighties, so his baggy sleeves weren’t even that much of a fashion disaster. Blame it on that little toy, but I’ve always had a fondness for Firestorm. Simone tweeted that this series will be a big part of the relaunch, and I think if there is any writer that can make Firestorm comics as awesome as I thought they should be when I had that toy, she is the one. Van Sciver is the wild card here. Remember Cyberfrog?

Nuv: I had that same toy! Ian’s parents couldn’t afford toys, but they played a game with coat hangers. Unfortunately, they lost, so here he is! Cyberfrog’s secret origin, revealed!

Ian: Two flaming guys in tight clothes? I’ll bet Nuv follows this title with A PASSION.

Legion of Superheroes by Paul Levitz & Francis Portela
Legion Lost by Fabian Nicieza & Pete Woods

Ian: I don’t read any comic book with the word “Legion” in the title. I think it’s because when I was a kid my Grandpa always dragged me to the Royal Canadian Legion where the veterans made me fight other kids for money.

Mark: I want to like the Legion. It is a great concept. But Levitz’s current run has been underwhelming, and trapping the Legion in the present was boring when DC did it in the 90s. Love the art on both books. Just don’t care for the writers.

Supergirl by Michael Green, Mike Johnson and Mahmud Asrar

Mark: I don’t mind the Supergirl redesign, with the exception of the cape. That collar has to go. The creative team doesn’t strike any chords with me, so I’ll likely give this one a miss.

Nuv: Mahmud Asrar is Mah’fuckin Awesome. Here’s the rub: DC, in trying to break from the old and “fix” everything, is blind to the fact that, in a lot of cases, they’re replacing the wrong parts. That suit is… well, if a shit could shit out another shit? That! Look, I don’t give a shit if you wanna change WW’s, Supergirl’s or even Ian’s ten-days-straight panties. If you do, just replace ‘em with something better, capicé? I mean, what the fuck are those boots? Is that a Velcro-collared cape? Was this a drunk artist-jam? I dunno. Godspeed, though. Me? I’d have just kept the iconic schoolgirl skirt look on her. At least you’d have kept your perv demographic happy. Right, Ian?

Superboy by Scott Lobdell, R.B. Silva and Rob Lean

Ian: Vampire Superboy! Oh wait, that’s Lobdell, not Snyder. Anyhoo, Silva’s pencils are going to be insane, so this book will automatically be worth a look.

Mark: The solicitation for this book and his role in Teen Titans don’t seem to match up at first glance which again calls into question the cohesiveness of this new DC Universe. I had a theory before the Super-books were announced, based on the leaked cover. The robotic appearance of Superboy got me thinking: with the Wildstorm Universe being incorporated, and the clear evidence that the Daemonites are a part of the new world, maybe the Superboy in this world would be a Spartan android. Doesn’t look like that is the case though, which is too bad. I would have read that book.

Nuv: Fuck all that shit, sons! IS THAT AN ERIC CANETE COVER?! If so: can we keep him? If not: why the fuck not?

Ian: CANETE!

Nuv: REBENGA!!

Mark: Wha…?

Ian: SILBA!!!

Nuv: VULVA!!!!

Mark: Huh?!?

Nuv: ASRAR!!!

Mark: SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!!!

Ian: I told you we could make him swear!

Nuv: Touché, douchebag.

Mark: [blank stare] I’m going home…

NEXT ISSUE: THE FINAL TWO TITLES! IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S… THE KNEEPAD-CLAD ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!
MARK (HEH) YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

PART ONE • PART TWO

Batman by Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo

Mark: I will follow Scott Snyder to any Bat-book he wants to write. His run on Detective Comics has been outstanding. I’m sad that neither Jock nor Francesco Francavilla* will be joining him, but on the other hand, I love that Greg Capullo cover. If he can maintain that quality on his interiors I might even forgive him for the years he wasted aping Todd McFarlane on Spawn.
*Editor’s Note: At least FF is joining SS on Swamp Thing, as detailed in yesterday’s post. That’s going to be the best book about dirt EVER!

Ian: Scott Snyder won my heart with American Vampire, and since Batman is a vampire, I’m going to buy this book. Also the cover? Baaaaaaaaad assssssssss.

Nuv: Did we mention we dig Snyder? Him + Batman + Capullo = YEP.

Detective Comics by Tony Daniel

Nuv: Tony Daniel = NOPE. DC should hire a detective to locate his talent. Want proof that this’ll be a downgrade? This super-mega-fuck-yeah cover proves that (current artist) Jock and Joker were made for each other, much like Ian’s eyes and Pepper-spray.

Ian: I love Tony Daniel and if I don’t pick this up, it’ll be because I don’t have any money. If I don’t have any money, it’ll be because Nuv pays his writing staff with sexually inappropriate I.O.U’s.

Batman and Robin by Peter Tomasi and Patrick Gleason

Nuv: Yes, yes y’all. This creative team is batshit crazy, and so is Damian “The Bastard Wonder” Wayne. Guano!

Ian: The story of Batman and Robin was told perfectly in the movie, so why would I buy this? Clooney and O’Donnell FTMFW!

Batman: The Dark Knight by David Finch and Jay Fabok

Nuv: Nah. I mean, I could say yeah, I guess. It’ll never come out, so it’s not like I’ll have to follow through.

Ian: Put the bong down DC executives. Didn’t you just start a Finch-helmed comic called The Dark Knight with Batman and that rhyming demon or whatever? GOD!

Batwoman by J.H. Williams III, Haden Blackman and Amy Reeder

Mark: Trades, for sure. The zero issue that DC did release wasn’t anything phenomenal in terms of story, but if nothing else this will be a beautiful art book.

Ian: I’d literally give my left testicle for this comic book to be in my hands right now.

Nuv: Sho’nuff! J.H. takes his belt to blank pages and punishes them. One of the best artists in the biz. Not sure if he can write, but when you’re pretty enough, no one cares about what comes out of your mouth. (Just what goes in, according to Ian’s mom.)

Batgirl by Gail Simone and Ardian Syaf

Ian: IS THAT FUCKING BARBARA GORDON?! Pulled, ‘nuff said.

Mark: Yes! Yes, yes, yes! I’ve never read a Batgirl I didn’t like, and I am so excited to see Barbara Gordon taking back the role. Taking Barbara out of the wheelchair has caused quite a divide amongst fans, but in Simone I trust. If anyone can handle the change with the necessary respect, it is she.

Nuv: Pretty “diverse,” DC. What about the people with no legs?! Don’t they get a hero of their own? You had like 90 Batgirls and a BatWOMAN, but only one Oracle. Bah. Simone gets mad street cred though, so I’m hoping there’s a twist we don’t know about that allows both camps of BG fans (Batgirl and Oracle) to be happy. I wouldn’t bet my legs on it, though.

Catwoman by Judd Winnick and Guillem March

Mark: Winnick says this series is going to be sexy. And violent. And violently sexy. Or filled with sexy violence. Or something. Whatever. I’d rather Catwoman be written by a writer who understands that you don’t need to yell “sexy” from the mountaintops when you are writing Catwoman. It won’t be sexy just because you tell us it is.

Ian: Not to get overly superficial, but if the solicited cover looks like a badly-drawn acid trip, how does that bode for the inside art? Helllllll naaaaaaaw. Pass!

Birds of Prey by Duane Swierczynski and Jesus Saiz

Ian: Swierczynski ruled on Iron Fist a couple of years ago and Jesus Saiz is super solid, but the new character line-up looks pretty awful. Conflicted!

Mark: Even if this is a great read, it will not be Gail Simone’s Birds of Prey, and for that, I will hold a bit of a grudge against it.

Nightwing by Kyle Higgins and Eddy Barrows

Mark: My problem with any of the former Robins headlining their own title is that they are really just Batman-lite. And I’m just not a big enough fan of Batman to need more than one Batbook.

Ian: Like Nuv, Dick Grayson is terminally uncool. Therefore Nuv’s mom will probably buy him this book to give him a “hero” to identify with.

Nuv: Ian, we both know my mom doesn’t buy me comics. I just turn you upside down and shake until your lunch money falls out and, presto! Pull list paid for! So thanks in advance for Nightwing #1. If it sucks, I’ll probably wedgie you tomorrow. And THAT’S when you’ll finally find a pro to having no genitals!

Mark: Are you guys EVER nice to each other?

Ian: Nah.

Nuv: Nope

Mark: Perfect. Because this hasn’t been annoying at all…

Red Hood and The Outlaws by Scott Lobdell and Kenneth Rocafort

Ian: Man, I’ve loved Kenneth Rocafort ever since Madame Mirage, so I’ll be giving this one a flip through at least.

Nuv: Jason Todd adds more to the Bat-Mythos when he’s pushin’ daisies. In related news: Rocafort can Fuckaoff.

Mark: Let me just point out that the solicitation for this book confirmed that Jason Todd is Batman’s former sidekick. The solicit for Nightwing doesn’t say as much, but I can’t imagine them stripping Dick Grayson of that aspect of his origin. I will tell you why all this is important tomorrow. Promise.

Batwing by Judd Winick and Ben Oliver

Mark: Book two in the “all new, all diverse DC Universe.” Winnick seems to be DC’s go-to guy for “socially progressive” stories. He did the homophobia/hate crime bit in Green Lantern, the HIV positive Speedy in Green Arrow, and now he’s taking the helm of Batwing with DC’s diversity initiative. I support this. A culturally diverse universe is a more realistic one. But Winnick tends to be a little heavy-handed with these sorts of things.

Ian: Batwing?! We named THE DOG THE PLANE Indiana Batwing!

Nuv: If I say I have no interest, am I as racist as fanboys have been claiming DC is all these years? Or is it just because the costume sucks, and there are many characters, black, white, GREEN even, that deserve a title more than Batman’s own Steel? You decide, kiddies!

• BONUS BOOK: Batman Inc. by Grant Morrison and Chris Burnham (Not part of the 52; Re-launching 2012) •

Ian: Oh forget this! The current Batman, Inc. is perpetually late and complete gibberish. I’ll bet you a cool Sir Robert Borden that I never buy another Grant Morrison comic ever again!

Nuv: Oh that Ian! So quirky, so conflicted! First he LOVED this title. Now he HATES it. The one constant? NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! I’ll be copping this, but if I DID decide to skip this, it’d be because of Burnham, not Morrison.

Ian: Skip off a bridge. No opinion, Marky Mark?

Mark: Nope.

Nuv: Pussy.

Mark: What?!

Nuv: I wasn’t talking to you! Don’t assume just because I was LOOKING at you that I was TALKING to you! Fuckin’ ego on this guy, eh?

Ian: TELL me about it!!

Mark: … Much like Tom & Jerry, I think I liked you guys better when you were at each others throats instead of mine.

Ian: There he goes talkin’ about himself again!

Nuv: We’re not YOUR Funky Bunch, Mark! You’re MY Funky Bunch!

Mark: ….

Ian: You gotta BELIEVE, Marky!

Mark: Ok. MORE than enough. That’s a wrap. Bye.

Nuv: But…

Mark: Just… Bye.

NEXT ISSUE: SUPER-PUBERTY! MEET THE YOUNGBLOODS OF THE NEW DCU!
MARK (HEH) YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

PART ONE

DC Universe Presents by Various
(Featuring Deadman by Paul Jenkins & Bernard Chang; Rumoured: Vigilante by Darwyn Cooke)

Mark: The success of an anthology book in the current market is always a crap shoot, entirely dependent on top tier creative teams. This would have been a great opportunity for DC to skip the monthly book and just release a series of high quality graphic novels under the DC Universe Presents banner. Spotlight the characters in the new setting, and promote the hell out of them. Collect two stories in each book: one by a well known creator; another with a lesser-known. Instead, they’re going monthly and the series will likely flop.

Ian: Flip that flop, Marko Polo! Jenkins, Chang, Sook and possibly Cooke? I’m pulling it right now!

Nuv: Unfortunately, kids, I can attest that the perv is indeed “pulling it” right now. DCUP (rad!) seems like it’ll be the spiritual successor to Solo and Wednesday Comics, DC’s previous artist showcase series. If the level of talent remains high, I’ll support this like “Sweet Valley” Ian’s training bra supports his little bee-sting titties.

Mark: Why don’t you leave him alone?

Nuv: Why don’t I shit in your shampoo bottle?

Mark: [rolls eyes]

Swamp Thing by Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette and Francesco Francavilla

Mark: Count me in. Snyder (more on him tomorrow) and Paquette make for a formidable duo. Francesco Francavilla has also been named in connection with Swampy, so I will simply direct you to his poster for the Doctor Who episode, “The Impossible Astronaut.” Look at that and tell me FF won’t rock this book.

Ian: Scott Snyder again? Yes! Vampire Swamp Thing!

Nuv: Though the character resembles Mama Explosivo’s great yeast infection of the late 70s (later dressed in hipster rags and raised to refer to itself as Ian), the elite creative team gets the benefit of the doubt.

Justice League Dark by Peter Milligan and Mikel Janin

Ian: Milligan kind of blew it over at Marvel with 5 Ronin, and Madame Xanadu should be put to better use. Pass!

Mark: Despite having the worst title of any of the 52, I like the concept. I don’t know if I’ll read it monthly or in trade, but I’m interested. I wonder though, do you serve Justice League Dark chilled, or at room temperature?

Animal Man by Jeff Lemire, Travel Foreman and Dan Green

Ian: The title needs some work, but the concept is sound. And with DMZ, Northlanders and Scalped all ending, I need some new Vertigo-esque titles to pull. Maybe!

Nuv: Maaan, fuck vegetables!

Demon Knights by Paul Cornell, Diogenes Neves and Oclair Albert

Mark: This will be on my pull list. Not for me, but for my wife. She’s loved Demon ever since she saw him in the Justice League cartoon and shouted, “who’s the guy with fins on his head?” I texted her the solicitation copy for the book and she replied with a very enthusiastic “HOLY CRAP AWESOMESAUCE!!!” Cornell rocked the Lex Luthor-centric Action Comics and wrote two really good episodes of Doctor Who, so even though this is a “for the wife” book, you might catch me reading an issue or two.

Ian: Is that the rapping demon again? Maaaaannn…

Voodoo by Ron Marz and Sami Basri

Mark: The cover for this issue is absolutely gorgeous. Voodoo (see Wildcats Volume 2 for a great Joe Casey-penned story) is an interesting choice to headline a title. It sounds like DC will be using her story to explain the place of the Daemonites and Kherubim in the new DC Universe.

Ian: Ron Marz made me care about a Catholic heroine last year and Sami Basri almost made me buy Power Girl. So I’ll probably be powerless against this title.

I… Vampire by Josh Fialkov and Andrea Sorrentino

Mark: What the hell is this? A comic adaptation of Twilight?

Ian: A vampire book not written by Scott Snyder? Oh like THAT’S going to fly. Also, maybe DC didn’t hear how hard Marvel was getting mocked for their vampire stuff last year?

Frankenstein, Agent of Shade by Jeff Lemire and Alberto Ponticelli

Ian: I’ve been getting advance previews of this book for almost twenty years! It’s called Hellboy and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

Nuv: Hellboy jumped from Dark Horse to DC? THE Hellboy?! Sweet! DC always needed a pretty but painfully overrated and boring piece-o-shit comic to adapt into a well-cast but even more boring piece-o-shit movie! Hopefully they can grab that crummy lump Gianfelice (now that your beloved man-on-man Viking romance comic Northlanders has been given the long-overdue axe) and complete the property’s transformation into sedative-on-paper. Oh, what? This isn’t Hellboy? Oh. Well, then, I’ll pass. Despite Frankenstein being built like me from the waist down. Gundick!

Resurrection Man by Andy Lanning and Dan Abnett

Ian: Kind of a cool concept! I’ll probably read this at the store until someone is all “Hey BUDDY! This ain’t a LIBRARY!” and I’m all “FUGGEDDABOUTIT!”

Mark: Never read the original and probably won’t bother with this one. DnA write great stories, so no slight on them, but this was cancelled once due to poor sales. Can they pull it off this time?

Stormwatch by Paul Cornell and Miguel Sepulveda

Mark: Midnighter has a spike on his chin. His CHIN. That is all I am going to say about this.

Nuv: Hey, Stormwatch! Let Martian Manhunter and Cornell go. They never did nothin’ to nobody!

Grifter by Nathan Edmondson and CAFU

Mark: See Voodoo, but insert the bad-boy of the Wildstorm world.

Nuv: Heh. “CAFU.” Sounds like the beginning of a Fu-Schnickens lyric. Still, if Wildstorm had one iconic character that deserves to live on, this is it.

All-Star Western by Justin Gray, Jimmy Palmiotti and Moritat

Ian: Moritat’s art is revolting, so this looks pretty not-good. But Gray and Palmiotti have a fondness for Darwyn Cooke. So if that translates into more Cooke-drawn Western goodness, bring it on.

Nuv: Pfft! Moritat’s dope, and despite Hollywood’s successful attempt to convince everyone otherwise, so’s Jonah Hex. Justin and Jimmy have been quietly crafting a kick-ass western for DC for years, with one-and-done Eastwood-esque tales of few words and many bulllets. And bringing Hex to the Gotham of the late 1800s is comicbookawesomeyeah!

Sgt. Rock and the Men of War by Ivan Brandon and Tom Derenick

Mark: DC guns for the Call of Duty crowd…

Nuv: …and gets first-person-shot in the dick by low sales.

Deathstroke by Kyle Higgins and Joe Bennet

Mark: Look! More spikes! Everyone loves spikes, right? And big, Final Fantasy-style swords!

Ian: All masturbation jokes aside, this comic looks pretty lame.

Blackhawks by Mike Costa and Ken Lashley

Ian: Put Lady Blackhawk (Zinda Blake) front and center and I’ll read this book. Otherwise NO DICE!

Mark: What’s the count for black-ops/mercenary/ex-military books? I count six: Blackhawks, Deathstroke, Men of War, Grifter, Birds of Prey, and Suicide Squad. That’s six more books that don’t feature A-listers and are essentially competing with themselves for shelf space.

Nuv: My reaction to this rhymes with “Pooh Shivs Uh Clit.”

OMAC by Dan Didio and Keith Giffen

Mark: Great homage to King Kirby on the cover, but I could care less about this book. How long will DiDio stay involved with it? And how long will he hold off on canceling his own book? What, you don’t seriously think OMAC can hold up against Batman or a good 50% of the other books listed above, do you?

Ian: With Keith Giffen on the art, this book will never be late. If your only criteria for buying comics is that they’re never late, this is the book for you.

Suicide Squad by Adam Glass and Marco Rudy

Ian: I’m actually pretty interested in this book! Rudy’s art is really cool and the line-up (Harley Quinn, Deadshot and King Shark!!) is crazier than Nuv listening to Crazy Town.

Mark: I wonder if Kevin Smith looks at the Suicide Girl on this cover and regrets naming his daughter Harley Quinn.

Nuv: Regarding Harley Quinn, I brought in Magic 8 Ball (Ian’s pimp, not the novelty item). He says “That shit is decidedly so, Mu’fuckaz!”
Suicide Squad? “Concept is sound.” (Bad guys get sent on suicide missions to work off their imprisonment; not everyone makes it back alive.)
Will I buy it? “Reply is hazy. Ask again later. Pee-imp!” (Nah.)

Mark: Do you even know what you’re talking about?

Nuv: Suicide, it’s a suicide…

Ian: Buh-duh-bye-bye!!

Mark: Sigh. I wonder if Mark Campbell regrets this assignment…

NEXT ISSUE: BATSHIT!
MARK (HEH) YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN TOMORROW, SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…