TODAY: THE ARTIST, ALBUM & SONG OF THE YEAR!

*DISQUALIFIED*

Before it came out, most people would’ve guessed this would’ve been my Album of the Year, myself included. I was pumped for Yelawolf’s major label debut even before the first single was released, and when it finally was, Hard White (Up In The Club) met and exceeded those high hopes. And then, finally: the album! I started listening and breathed a sigh of relief when Yela fucking killed it on the intro track, and the second track began promisingly enough too. I have to say, I love the half that’s just Yela rapping. Partway through track 2, I met the other half of the album: sub-par guests. Overly saccharine chick-sung choruses. Rappers that can’t keep up. Weak songs built around the few rappers that can. This album is fucking Two-Face. Flip a coin, Radioactive. Pick a side. Half an album can’t qualify for Album of the Year, even if it’s by my current favourite rapper.

ARTIST / ALBUM / SONG OF THE YEAR

Believe the hype: Black Hippy are the second coming of N.W.A. that The Game was supposed to be, putting Cali back on the Hip Hop map with the THUNDER! The Hoover Crip, ScHoolBoy Q. The self-described Black Lip Bastard, Ab-Soul. The back-flipping Blood Jay Rock. And, standing front and center, Compton’s own Kendrick Lamar, crowned the Prince of the West Coast by no less than Dre and Snoop.

I’d like to revise that coronation and declare Kendrick the new King. He has yet to lose a step, Crip-walking the tightrope between rapper and gangster, wearin’ a backpack. His inkpen paves a path through the ghetto that he hopscotches, poignant to poisonous from one bar to the next. He’s even-keeled on the delivery, letting his words be the aggressors. Keep it real?! He’s REAL real! No pretense, no bullshit. No flashy wardrobe – he’d rather rock a black hoodie. No fake persona – he doesn’t even have a “rap name,” using his real one instead. Naw, what he’s got is stories. Scathing social commentary. And SONGS! Songs with slithering, serpentine verses that come full circle and eat their own tail. Hooks that really HOOK, and lines that reel ‘em in every time.

And his album? Fuck, man, Section.80 is the shee-eye-it! No other record got more play by me this last year. The 80 in the title refers to the 1980s that he was a product of and the same period provides much of the subject matter (crack), mood (Cold War paranoia) and inspiration (hometown heroes N.W.A.). From opener Fuck Your Ethnicity to the last track, HiiiPoWeR, the album maintains a lush, cohesive feel and demands a listen straight through, impressive in this iTunes-made era of no attention span, a la carte, Choose Your Own Adventure-style of listening. Not to say that there aren’t high points though. In trying to choose my favourite track off the album, well, I straight up failed. I narrowed it to three. Maybe you can help me choose…

Do I go with the anthem? The RZA-produced Ronald Reagan Era, an ode to the various Bloods, Crips and other nogoodniks that populate his neighbourhood, BANGS, in all senses of the word. Gimme a “Whoopty-whoop, whoopty-whoop-whoop” if that’s your vote.

Or maybe I should go with my first love off this album? The song that flexes all of Kendricks MCing muscles, Rigamortis? The one that has him, over a fucking killer horn loop, slowly building from his natural, laid back delivery to the lesson-in-breath-control, words-pressed-against-each-other, hyper speed frenzy he reaches by song’s end. That’s how you rap, right there, dammit!

But, naw, Hol’ Up! I think I gotta go with A.D.H.D. The song’s narrative takes us through a party, masquerading as a boy-meets-girl tale and an ode to getting fucked up on drugs and alcohol, sneaking in theories on 80s kids and the connection to short attention spans, apathy, over-medicatication and tolerance to intoxicants, AND THEN, finally, reveals itself the theme song for Generation Y. (Whew!) Do the knowledge: A.D.H.D. is crazy! It’s probably his most important song and definitely his masterpiece. Plus: it says “Fuck that!” a lot. Fuckin’ swear words, yeah!!

“Now, everybody put three fingers in the air.” Song of the Year. Album of the Year. Artist of the Year. He’s a motherfuckin’ triple threat! He’s the motherfuckin’ truth! The voice of THIS generation. Kendrick is his name, and the boy’s comin’ Straight Outta Compton. (Damn, it feels good to be able to say that again – FOR REAL – for the first time since 1989.)

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, and fuck the police, I’M OUT!

– Nuv

OK! I’M RELOADED…

Danny Brown – XXX
Action Bronson – Dr. Lecter
Black Keys – El Camino
Ty Segall – Goodbye Bread
The Throne – Watch The Throne
Raphael Saadiq – Stone Rollin’
Asher Roth – Pabst & Jazz
Girls – Father, Son, Holy Ghost
The Strange Boys – Live Music LP
& introducing…
Hanni El Khatib – Will The Guns Come Out “He describes his songs as being for anyone that’s ever been shot or hit by a train.” AND he’s a half-pak! How could I not love this?! (Best tracks: Dead Wrong • You Rascal You)

EPs OF THE YEAR
Black Milk & Danny Brown – Black & Brown EP
Bad Meets Evil – Hell: The Sequel EP
The Sheepdogs – Five Easy Pieces EP

SOUNDTRACKS OF THE YEAR
Cliff Martinez – Drive OST
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross – The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo OST
The Chemical Brothers – Hanna OST

*that aren’t on any of the above albums

Das Racist – Michael Jackson
Tyler The Creator – Yonkers
M83 – Midnight City
Cults - Go Outside
Yelawolf – Gangsta of Love
Lloyd (Feat. Andre 3000) – Dedication To My Ex (Miss That)
SBTRKT (Feat. Drake & Yukimi Nagano of Little Dragon) – Wildfire (Remix)
Drake – Dreams Money Can Buy
Saigon – Preacher
Pusha T – My God
ScHoolBoy Q – Kamikaze
Saigon – The Invitation (Feat. Q-Tip)
Lil Wayne – Six Foot Seven Foot (Featuring Cory Gunz)
XV - U.F.C. (U Fuckin’ Crazy)
Get Busy Committee - Chains
Action Bronson & Statik Selektah – Keep Off The Grass
XV – SmallVille
Get Busy Committee – Opening Ceremony
Mad Child – Hangin’ On By A Thread
Danny Brown & Joker - Head For Free
The Pack A.D. - Sirens
Frank Ocean – Novacane
Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks (Butch Clancy Remix)

BATTLE OF THE YEAR
Tyler The Creator vs. B.o.B. – Yonkers • No Future

2011 was the year of so many almost beefs that were defused before they ever really began (Yelawolf vs MGK, quickly defused by an MGK apology; Royce vs Canibus, never made it from Twitter to wax) and one that’s been one-sided so far (Common vs the yet-to-respond Drake in Sweet). Thankfully one beef crossed over into actual battle territory. After Tyler’s throwaway diss in the bonkers Yonkers (”I’ll crash that fuckin’ Airplane that that f****t n***a Bob is in”) B.o.B. came back (hard) at Tyler and the whole Odd Future crew on No Future. A diss song in the mold of the classics: simple, scathingly clever, condescending and cocky. You can say what you want about his pop-ass singles, but between this and his showing at the BET Cyphers, nobody can question his skills. I would say he got both the last word and the last laugh.

Winner: B.o.B.

LIVE SHOW OF THE YEAR ALL TIME

‘Fuck else would it be?!?

MUSIC MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Shady 2.0 Cypher at The BET Hip Hop Awards
Shady Records really made all of 2011 one big music moment. The signings of Slaughterhouse and Yelawolf. Eminem & Royce Da 5′9″ reuniting to rap better than ____________ (fill in the blank with ANYBODY!) on the long-promised Bad Meets Evil EP everyone had been asking for since ‘99. 2.0 Boys. Yelawolf killing it on every appearance (live and recorded). And finally, closing out the year with a Michael Bay-ass bang at the BET Hip Hop Awards with the cypher to end APOCALYPSE all cyphers! (Nouns as verbs, what up?) Yela kicks in the door for Slaughterhouse. And then Royce’s “Hi Rihanna” shit blows up the internet. And then. AND THEN! Eminem. God. Damn. Verse of the year. Easy. Best verse of the ANY Cypher. And it’s probably gonna stay up there at the top for a loooong time. Unless Em shows up at BET again next year. At this point, the only one that can beat him is, well, him.

“WHAT. GOES. UP. MUST. COME. DOWN. (BUT NOT ME CLOWN!)”
TWO separate motherfuckers sampled two separate Lords of the Underground tracks this year. This immediately shows a depth of hip hop knowledge in these two young bucks, and also immediately takes me back to junior high with a nostalgia that can only result in feeling old when it wears off. I mean, these kids are sampling shit from when I was still in a single-digit grade like they’re oldies! Makes a motherfucker feel like Nick Nolte looks, ya know? Aw hell, Chewbacca, at least they’re both Dope. Anyway, the first song to call out the Lords name in vain is Thurz’ Los Angeles, which samples Funky Child (Actually, more accurately, it samples the same song Funky Child scooped and looped its horns from) and the second song, Joe Cool’s F’N Cool samples Chief Rocka. Both Child and Chief used to rock in the Walkman (yeah motherfucker: tapes!) all through Grade 9. Cuttin’ class and smokin’ grass. All-purple Cross Colors outfit, out back of the gym. Hand up mo’ skirts than a puppeteer. You know what’s F’N Cool? Me! But you know what’s also F’N Cool? Fingerbanging!

BIGGEST MISSED OPPORTUNITY
“This is a story all about how / my life got flipped, turned upside down.” At a Christmas party with a karaoke machine, I was out of the room when the rest of the party got together and did a group sing-a-long of THE FUCKING FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR THEME SONG WITHOUT ME!! I don’t even like karaoke but I was born to do that shit! I know every word to the fucking extended version that only aired with the pilot and like one or two other episodes!! I may spend the entirety of 2012, fists raised to the heavens screaming FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

Fuck! Alright, time to Jazz myself out the door. Yo Holmes, to Bel Air…

– Nuv

TOMORROW: THE #1 ARTIST OF THE YEAR, ALBUM OF THE YEAR AND SONG OF THE YEAR!

Trent Reznor/Karen O – Immigrant Song
(Nine Inch Nails + Yeah Yeah Yeahs) x Led Zeppelin = The rest of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack could be a foot coming out of the speaker to kick my nuts and I’m still buying it!

Mac Lethal – Pancake Rap
Two of our favourite things ever (pancakes and rap) join forces to make the most “FUCK YEAH!” moment on the internets

Foster The People – Pumped Up Kicks/Dubstep (Butch Clancy Remix) starring Marquese “Fuck Physics!” Scott
I was convinced my eyes were liars. I could not even BELIEVE this shit. You won’t either, but just watch. All in one take, all in direct defiance of the natural laws of earth and science and shit. Black magic. Bananas. Bonkers. I have not been this blown away by what a motherfucker can do with his feet since MJ. All Hail Marquese, The Anti-Gravity Man!

Louis CK Live At The Beacon Theater Outtakes
Louis CK is the funniest sonofabitch out there right now, for realsies! If you haven’t seen his TV show, you’re missing the fuck out!! Also, he just released a comedy special exclusively on his site for $5 download (or stream). Support a true talent and go buy that shit.

Pitchfork Presents: Danny Brown & Joker – Head For Free
On the one hand: 50 didn’t sign Danny Brown because of what he looked like. Based off the hair you might think he made the right call. When he first opens his mouth, you’ll see his teeth (or lack thereof) and think your (and 50’s) first instinct was correct. When some sound starts to make it past the teeth though, you’ll realize: you’re looking at the future of rap. Sometimes the best gifts come wrapped in FUCKED UP packages. On the other hand: UK producer Joker is decidedly normal looking and still the fuckin’ TRUTH! Here’s what happens when you put them hands together…

Pitchfork Presents: Frames (Starring Big Boi)
Daddy Fat Stacks recounts a particularly crazy night in the life of OutKast, and then Dan Meth animates it.

Bellflower
This film “tells the story of two guys who build flamethrowers (I’m already in) and other weapons (double down!) in the hope that a global apocalypse (yup!) will occur and clear the way for their imaginary gang” (!!!)

Submarine
Yeah, yeah. It’s another one of “those.” Quirky coming-of-age dramedies. Seen one you seen ‘em all, right? NOPE! Don’t be a movie bigot! Give a film a chance, y’all! Or at least boycott it for not taking place entirely underwater. Or something else that hides your prejudices.

Rampart
Woddy Harrelson as a maybe-crooked, definitely-over-the-top cop in late 90s (read: post-riot) L.A. But I had you at “Woody Harrelson,” didn’t I?

For God And Country by Matt Fraction & Nathan Fox
A split screen comic following Osama Bin Laden in the last moments of his life in parallel with the soldier that killed him. Click the pic to read the comic at GQ.com

Project X
So this one pretty much looks like your average night at R2AK HQ…

I Melt WIth You
Thomas Jane AND Jeremy Piven?! Shitdamn!! We’ve been Piven fans since PCU around here. His involvement and the subject matter give this a very Very Bad Things vibe. Which is very good…

Crappy Cartoon Opening Credits: Die-Cut Glossy 90s Edition (Featuring WildC.A.T.S., Youngblood and Ultraforce)
Ass to ass to ass!

Spiked Fuckin’ Bat (BOOOWWW!!): Ghostface Killah Talks Sports

Speakin’ Of The Devil (Psych): Kagan McLeod’s Ghostface Killah Flyer
The show’s already happened (both here in Vancouver and in Toronto) but you can relive all the Eagle-wristed glory by drooling over this sick-ass flyer by the homey Kagan McLeod. Ridicu-tarded!!

Yo, Kagan ain’t even through with you pooh-butts yet, yo! If you ain’t seen his History of Rap poster, well then you ain’t seen shee-it!! Go buy one. Or two like I did so you can display the edutaining backside, full of rap facts and recommended listening for the 469 (!) hip hop icons depicted on the front. Or you can roll the die and see if you’re one of the lucky few to win one of the copies Mr. McLeod was kind enough to donate to R2AK. More details on that in January, which is around when I plan to stop drooling over them motherfuckers…

Shabazz Palaces – Black Up
Best of the year lists the world (wide web) over are shitting themselves over Shabazz Palaces (a/k/a the smooth-as-fuck/emerging from a decade of radio silence MC extraordinaire, “Butterfly” Ish from Digable Planets!) Aurally, this is on some weird ‘if-Radiohead-made-rap’ shit. Visually, it’s on some stunningly abstract, avant grade shit. Lookie here…

BONUS: R2AK ENCORE PRESENTATIONS

Parker: Martini Edition
Ian talks about this in his Xmas Wish List column from earlier this week, and Nuv has reiterated that it’s at the top of his list too. Just look at that fucking cover! (Click to enlarge.) If looks could kill we’d be some daisy-pushin’ motherfuckers right now. Oh hell, Darwyn Cooke is cooler than a polar bear’s toenails! Buy it. Then give it to us!

Jy Harris & Doug Graves (a/k/a <3 Humans)in Rawk-n-Cawk
Meet Shock Jocks DJ Dan Apex & The Human Zoo, Dale…

A. Vice – X-Miss
Happy Holidays, Ho-Ho-Hoes!

- R2AK

August 31st: the first title hits, and The Big Two once again “invited” Mark (at gunpoint) to join them, this time in reading and reviewing ALL 52 #1s! Comics (and Mark) were never the same…

WEEK 1

Justice League #1 by Geoff Johns and Jim Lee

Mark: I have to admit, I was underwhelmed by this issue. It’s not that it was bad, or that there was anything particularly wrong with it… I just wanted more Justice League and less of the Green Lantern and Batman issue of Brave and the Bold. It looked beautiful. The story is perfectly fine. I’ll get the second issue, but I’m not super pumped about this book right off the bat.

Nuv: …and: scene! OK, first of all fuck everything he just said. Anyone who doesn’t like this issue? It’s because they built up their expectations to unrealistic levels and placed the pressure of justifying this whole reboot on it’s shoulders. Taken on it’s own: it’s the shit! Jim Lee (barring an odd sequence that makes me think he’s never watched a game of football in his life) fires on all cylinders here and Geoff Johns crafts a clever, accessible script that nevertheless never dumbs it down for the old readers and moves at a brisk clip. Their Batman is always one step ahead. Jim’s display of Green Lantern’s powers is imaginative and appropriately flashy, while Johns gives him the line of the issue (“You can’t fly so how else were we going to get here? Talk in a deep voice?”) And the entrance of “This Ain’t Your Daddy’s” Superman steals the whole show away from them both. I still don’t like the costume redesign, but Lee even almost makes that look good. We don’t meet the whole team right away, but we will. Does this issue re-invent the wheel? No. Does it throw 20s on that motherfucker and roll right over the competition? Yes. This is fun and fresh feeling despite the familiar-ish faces, and as epic as a title created by/starring DC’s biggest/best should be. A summer blockbuster with charismatic leads, sharp dialogue and crisp direction. If you dig down and honestly don’t like this, you don’t like comics.

Ian: This book was a lot of fun. The only way in the world I’d ever read a Justice League book is if it went right back to the beginning, and that’s exactly what you get here. The heroes don’t know each other and on first meeting don’t even like each other. Just like Nuv and I! Except we STILL don’t like each other.

Mark: Can’t say I blame either of you…

WEEK 2

Action Comics #1 by Grant Morrison and Rags Morales

Ian: Kind of a dumb story and bad art. What? The art is atrocious. The scene where Clark is talking to his meth addict (?) landlady is especially creepy considering Rags Morales drew them both with the same face! The best thing about this book is when Supes gets shot by the tank and says “GD” and all of the American Christians lost their shit over blasphemy. Jesus damn!

Mark: I have very mixed feelings about this one. The art was hit and miss, and the story wasn’t sensational… but I noticed a lot of little clues hidden throughout the story, and I am excited to see where Morrison is going with it all. Action is definitely staying on my pull list. I think I just really wanted to be blown away by this issue, but instead I just got a really good comic.

Nuv: Mark, only you could say “…instead I just got a really good comic” and have it be a bad thing. If you were a DC character you’d be Jade. Other than a few occasions of Forest Whitaker Eyes, Rags Morales’ art was exceptional. You know why? Because it embodied the title of this comic. He and Grant Morrison set out to give us a Superman (and Clark) that did not slow down or stop moving until being forced to in the final panel. After years of Moperman going on walkabouts and crying into his cape like an emo-sexual, here’s a Supes that DOES shit! So don’t believe the hype kids. I have faith in Morrison. He gave us the return to the “Big 7″ JLA in the late 90s. He gave us All-Star Superman. He gets it! And so will I, and so should you. Bitter bloggers, cult members and dickless midgets be GD’d…

Batgirl #1 by Gail Simone and Ardian Syaf

Ian: Basically the opposite of Action Comics. Great story, great art, ’nuff said. This has all the signs of a really great run and I’m glad they’re not glossing over Babs’ shooting, paralysis and recovery.

Mark: Batgirl was the second of the Week 2 releases that I read. On first reading, I enjoyed it more than Action Comics. Looking back though, I think it was actually quite dull. It was very straight forward. I really don’t like the idea of Barbara Gordon walking again brushed off so quickly as “a miracle,” and can only hope that Gail Simone goes into more detail soon. As it was, this was a very un-Simone comic. Issue 2 is a maybe.

Nuv: You are very conflicted Mark. One must exercise patience with serial entertainment. Often answers are not laid out at the beginning. One might even find that half the fun is the hunt!

Mark: So, you liked it?

Nuv: Nah. I like that they didn’t sweep The Killing Joke or her time as Oracle under the rug, and have even made it an important achilles heel going forward. I don’t like the bummy art. And I still think she served more of a purpose as Oracle. But, what do I know? Maybe wheelchair kids don’t need someone to look up to. Or across at, or whatever. Verdict? This title is okay as fuck! Almost yay!

Mark: Uhhh… what exactly was the point of arguing with me forever when you came to the same conclusion in the end?

Nuv: ‘Cause I does what the fuck I wants, son!

Batwing #1 by Judd Winick and Ben Oliver

Ian: How in the HELL did this comic end up being so great? I mean really, who saw this coming? Marvel never could pull off a proper African superhero (sorry Storm and Black Panther, but you’re lame) but Judd Winick and Ben Oliver NAIL this one. Beheadings galore!

Mark: This wasn’t awful. In fact, it might have been a better Batman comic than Detective Comics was. But, ethnic diversity aside, if I want to read a Batman comic, I’ll read Batman.

Nuv: It’s racist to not like this comic.

Ian: Yeah, bigot.

Mark: OK, first of all, why are you siding with him?! You LIKE this comic! And Nuv, you JUST told me you didn’t like this comic!

Nuv: Exactly!

Mark: So you’re racist?!

Nuv: Got that right, ya cracker-ass cracker!

Ian: White devil!

Mark: YOU’RE WHITE, JERKOFF!

Ian: Ha! You wish, Casper!

Mark: I can’t believe I’m voluntarily spending time with you idiots…

Detective Comics #1 by Tony Daniel

Ian: I didn’t intend to pick it up but it was a slow week so I thought, hey why not? And man, am I ever glad I did. Tony Daniel has set up a really creepy story with a new villain called The Dollmaker who’s all up in the Joker’s grill, cutting off people’s faces and shit. I’m in!

Mark: This book is garbage. Where Animal Man and Swamp Thing excelled in the creepy department (see tomorrow’s post), the new ‘Tec just tried too hard.

Nuv: I done told you mu’fuckers already that Tony Daniel’s a dinkbot. As much as I loathed most of this issue, I loved the last page…

…mostly because I love shock value violence and hate all faces that are not my own.

Ian: YOUR MOMS are try-hard garbage dinkbots and whatever other shit you said!

Mark: [rolls eyes] Zing. You sure showed us.

[UPDATE: Nuv read Detective Comics #2 just before this post went up, “…AND IT’S AWESOME! SERIOUSLY! I grabbed it on a whim and I’m glad I gave it a second chance. Even Mark, who also hated #1, agrees! I don’t want to spoil anything, so I’ll just say if ‘Batman meets House Of 1000 Corpses’ sounds intriguing, this one’s for you…”]

Green Arrow #1 by JT Krul and Dan Jurgens

Ian: This book is, and I’m not joking here, the worst comic book I’ve ever read. The story is stupid and what’s worse, it’s badly written. Sure, the character is idiotic to begin with (ARROWS?), but that’s no excuse for how corny this book is and how sub-par the art is.

Mark: They lost me at Q-Pads and Q-Phones. Here’s a Q-Tip for you… don’t try to take a well known corporate identity and convert it to fit into your superhero world. Bruce Wayne doesn’t run a company called Wapple. Don’t try to turn Oliver Queen into a vigilante Steve Jobs/Tim Cook. Also, the villains in this issue were ridiculous.

Nuv: Dammit, who keeps grabbing Dan Jurgens from the nineties? WE JUST PUT HIM BACK THERE, FOR FUCKSAKES!! You’re gonna fuck around and cause another Flashpoint and then Mark will murder-suicide this place. Mark (heh) my words, you!

Mark: [groan]

Hawk and Dove #1 by Sterling Gates & Rob Liefeld

Nuv: heh. heh. haha. ohhh. mu-ha-ha… (wanders around, creepily whisper-laughing to himself, clearly distraught; leaves room)

Mark: I can’t believe I actually read this book. The best commentary I’ve seen on this issue came from iFanboy, where Paul Montgomery said, “To put it simply, it feels like Hawk wrote and drew this book himself. And he isn’t qualified.”

Ian: I just don’t understand who this book is aimed at? Like, what possible demographic would want to read about Hawk & Dove? (As drawn by “No Feet” Liefeld no less! That’s a whole demographic of foot fetishists you’ve alienated RIGHT THERE numb-nuts.)

Nuv: …gah. Hoo hoo hah! jesuswhy… (in other room, slapping self about the face and chest)

Ian: What the fuck is…

Nuv: (returns dressed up like Al Pacino in Dick Tracy) NYARRR! (clears desk in fit of rage) I WANT. ROB. LIEFELD. DEEEEAAAAAAADDDDD!!!!!

Ian: Nothing of actual value to add to this?

Nuv: I could take up a whole column. Instead I’ll cite one example and summarize. Other than a “guy” whose mouth is sewn shut, 39 faces (of a possible 79) in this issue are THIS:

When everyone’s not taking a shit/doing an impression of Chuck D/Clint Eastwood (admittedly, that sounds like someone I’d wanna hang out with. If this is the result though, I’ll pass)… well, I have no end to that sentence. Everyone is ALWAYS Chuck-Clint taking a shit!

Hawk & Dove CAN be interesting. (See Justice League cartoon, where they’re voiced by Kevin & Wayne Arnold!) Liefeld can NOT. Don’t buy this! Even if your life depends on it. Just kill yourself. Trust me, it’ll be more pleasant. And anatomically correct. With less hidden feet.

– The Big Three

NEXT ISSUE: MORE #1′S WITH THE BIG THREE!
MARK (HEH) OFF YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAVE NUV-CHANNEL…

PART ONE • PART TWO • PART THREE • PART FOUR

Superman by George Pérez and Jesus Merino

Mark: I am so glad that Perez is only writing this book. Because the new costume (which is dumb enough as it is… knee pads? Really? He’s the Man of Steel.) looks worse than normal when Perez draws it.

Ian: George Perez is old and crusty. So is Superman. Perfect fit!

Mark: It doesn’t really matter because I’m saving my Superman allowance for…

Action Comics by Grant Morrison and Rags Morales

Mark: ‘Nuff said.

Ian: A new Action Comics #1! Do you know how much the original #1 is worth kids? Better buy 50 copies of the re-boot just in case! DC is actually marketing the book like this. To Nuv.

Nuv: Look. I get it. I had a hard time getting past resetting the longest-runnning comic back from 900+ back to 0. I got over it. This is actually a brave and bold move. Letting go to look ahead is hard. If you’ve been on one path since 1938, to change courses? DC’s playing Superman here, leading the way, giving the rest of the industry something to look up to, and hopefully, saving the day. It’s at least partly working. Everybody’s talking about them. Leaping headfirst into digital comics with day-and-date releases is probably the biggest move into the future from a notoriously nostalgic industry.

As for the comic itself? Well, the faith I have in the creative team on Action went a long way in helping me get over all my trepidation. I’m actually as excited for Morrison and Morales’ Action as I am for Johns and Lee’s Justice League. And, DC, I know you’re trying to look ahead. (Though, while I’m more forgiving of Pérez than most, he hardly seems like an infusion of fresh blood.) I promise I’m okay with change, when it makes sense, and attention on my favourite superhero, as well as (I’m sure) trying to line him up with the upcoming movie, are all good things. And you wanna do away with any elements that can be construed as “of their time,” cool. So what’s the biggest problem in your eyes? The underwear. Wait. What?

Superman is one of those things that has transcended being just a comic, or a character, or a costume. He’s an icon. A symbol. Universal. Timeless. You don’t need to change the look of something that’s timeless. You can modernize the concept, the character, whatever. People always claim he’s unrelatable, (I, for one, am sick of the attempts to make an emo-gaylord out of him) so start there. First superhero, kick-ass leader, there’s a lot already there. Somewhere along the way Action Comics (barring the Johns/Frank run and the period where Lex took over the book) became REAction Comics. Fine. Clean break. Make a man outta Mac. Give us a reason to “Look! Up in the sky!” again. I’ll tell you this though – it ain’t the threads that need updating, DC. From a business standpoint, the branding has history. Disbelief long suspended, underwear accepted. From an artistic standpoint the suit needs that field of red breaking up the blue. But, whatever. If you are going to change that for the sake of “not dating” him, do it for the better. Don’t change to dodge lawyer bullets. Change to move forward DC. Not sideways. Not backwards. Up, up and away, right? So, how the hell are kneepads and 90s-Image cosplay boots any better than the underoos? Come on! While Ian tells me kneepads come in handy in his (the oldest) profession, WHY WOULD SUPERMAN NEED THEM?!

Some things are meant to be forever. Superman is one of those. You don’t spit into the wind, you don’t tug on his cape, and, to me, he wears his underwear on the outside. I guess he can’t put it on in a phone booth anymore. Whatever. There’s probably an App for that. And you’ll probably make the Daily Planet a blog. But I digress. My argument works both ways. Maybe by October the genius of Kryptonian kneepads will be realized. I don’t know.

I do know one thing. There’s a whole universe at stake here, DC. This looks like a job for Superman.

Let’s see if he’s up to the task.

– The Big Three

PART ONE • PART TWO • PART THREE

Teen Titans by Scott Lobdell, Brett Booth & Norm Rapmund

Mark: What. The. Hell? I briefly touched on this yesterday and wrote at length about my reaction to this book here. This book raises so many questions. For instance, was Tim Drake a Robin? The solicitation says he is “forced to step out from behind his keyboard.” I have no idea what DC means by that. If he was a Robin, it means that Batman is now on his fourth Robin… but he is also supposed to be in the early days of his career now. This aspect of the new DC history alone is enough to make me wonder how they plan to hold together a cohesive universe.

Nuv: If they really wanted to try something different with DC’s teen heroes, I read an amazing idea/pitch over at Comics Alliance, that would’ve also given a home to some other interesting heroes that maybe couldn’t carry their own titles, from Metamorpho to The Atom. D.C.U.: A university for Superheroes. I’d buy that shit. Whatevs to this hokum.

Ian: Teens these days have no respect.

Static Shock by John Rozum, Scott McDaniel & Jonathan Glapion

Ian: Oh man, Static is just like Marvel’s Electro. Except Static is a black teenager, not a villain and has a totally different origin story, costume and publisher. Otherwise, exactly the same as Electro.

Mark: While I am not familiar with Rozum’s work, he was good friends with Dwayne McDuffie (Static’s creator), and was a Milestone writer back in the day. So he should be a good man to carry the torch. McDaniel does high-flying action books like no one else, so great choice there. Oh, and this is the third title on the list of black men with their own books.

Nuv: Where’s Black Lightning?

Hawk & Dove by Sterling Gates & Rob Liefeld

Mark: Liefeld. I don’t think I need to say anything else here. Nuv?

Nuv: AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ian: The only way I’d read this book is if Hawk & Dove get killed after the first issue. Liefeld & Nuv too.

Blue Beetle by Tony Bedard and Ig Guara

Mark: Hey look! Ethnic diversity expands beyond men of African American (or just straight up African, in Batwing’s case) descent! I’ll give Jaime Reyes another shot.

Ian: I took a survey of the whole world: Nobody wants to buy this book. Sorry T-Bed.

Nuv: They probably should’ve put BB in Justice League International, where he has a chance, and given a solo title to, oh, I don’t know, maybe Flashpoint’s kid-friendly, Devastator-ass take on S.H.A.Z.A.M., complete with thinly-veiled Battle Cat. Hmm? Something more diverse? How about one of my kind, like the dapper, tea-drinking Outsider of India? Give them bun-kids someone to look up to. Right now, it’s pretty much Russell Peters, Kumar, Apu, Aziz , Abed and me. (Mohinder got kicked out of the band.) Actually, that would make a pretty rad team book… Power Pakis, anyone?

The Fury of Firestorm by Ethan Van Sciver & Gail Simone and Yildiray Cinar

Mark: When I was a kid I had the DC Superpowers Firestorm action figure. I didn’t know what his powers were, but his Head. Was. On FIRE! It was the eighties, so his baggy sleeves weren’t even that much of a fashion disaster. Blame it on that little toy, but I’ve always had a fondness for Firestorm. Simone tweeted that this series will be a big part of the relaunch, and I think if there is any writer that can make Firestorm comics as awesome as I thought they should be when I had that toy, she is the one. Van Sciver is the wild card here. Remember Cyberfrog?

Nuv: I had that same toy! Ian’s parents couldn’t afford toys, but they played a game with coat hangers. Unfortunately, they lost, so here he is! Cyberfrog’s secret origin, revealed!

Ian: Two flaming guys in tight clothes? I’ll bet Nuv follows this title with A PASSION.

Legion of Superheroes by Paul Levitz & Francis Portela
Legion Lost by Fabian Nicieza & Pete Woods

Ian: I don’t read any comic book with the word “Legion” in the title. I think it’s because when I was a kid my Grandpa always dragged me to the Royal Canadian Legion where the veterans made me fight other kids for money.

Mark: I want to like the Legion. It is a great concept. But Levitz’s current run has been underwhelming, and trapping the Legion in the present was boring when DC did it in the 90s. Love the art on both books. Just don’t care for the writers.

Supergirl by Michael Green, Mike Johnson and Mahmud Asrar

Mark: I don’t mind the Supergirl redesign, with the exception of the cape. That collar has to go. The creative team doesn’t strike any chords with me, so I’ll likely give this one a miss.

Nuv: Mahmud Asrar is Mah’fuckin Awesome. Here’s the rub: DC, in trying to break from the old and “fix” everything, is blind to the fact that, in a lot of cases, they’re replacing the wrong parts. That suit is… well, if a shit could shit out another shit? That! Look, I don’t give a shit if you wanna change WW’s, Supergirl’s or even Ian’s ten-days-straight panties. If you do, just replace ‘em with something better, capicé? I mean, what the fuck are those boots? Is that a Velcro-collared cape? Was this a drunk artist-jam? I dunno. Godspeed, though. Me? I’d have just kept the iconic schoolgirl skirt look on her. At least you’d have kept your perv demographic happy. Right, Ian?

Superboy by Scott Lobdell, R.B. Silva and Rob Lean

Ian: Vampire Superboy! Oh wait, that’s Lobdell, not Snyder. Anyhoo, Silva’s pencils are going to be insane, so this book will automatically be worth a look.

Mark: The solicitation for this book and his role in Teen Titans don’t seem to match up at first glance which again calls into question the cohesiveness of this new DC Universe. I had a theory before the Super-books were announced, based on the leaked cover. The robotic appearance of Superboy got me thinking: with the Wildstorm Universe being incorporated, and the clear evidence that the Daemonites are a part of the new world, maybe the Superboy in this world would be a Spartan android. Doesn’t look like that is the case though, which is too bad. I would have read that book.

Nuv: Fuck all that shit, sons! IS THAT AN ERIC CANETE COVER?! If so: can we keep him? If not: why the fuck not?

Ian: CANETE!

Nuv: REBENGA!!

Mark: Wha…?

Ian: SILBA!!!

Nuv: VULVA!!!!

Mark: Huh?!?

Nuv: ASRAR!!!

Mark: SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!!!

Ian: I told you we could make him swear!

Nuv: Touché, douchebag.

Mark: [blank stare] I’m going home…

NEXT ISSUE: THE FINAL TWO TITLES! IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S… THE KNEEPAD-CLAD ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!
MARK (HEH) YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

PART ONE • PART TWO

Batman by Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo

Mark: I will follow Scott Snyder to any Bat-book he wants to write. His run on Detective Comics has been outstanding. I’m sad that neither Jock nor Francesco Francavilla* will be joining him, but on the other hand, I love that Greg Capullo cover. If he can maintain that quality on his interiors I might even forgive him for the years he wasted aping Todd McFarlane on Spawn.
*Editor’s Note: At least FF is joining SS on Swamp Thing, as detailed in yesterday’s post. That’s going to be the best book about dirt EVER!

Ian: Scott Snyder won my heart with American Vampire, and since Batman is a vampire, I’m going to buy this book. Also the cover? Baaaaaaaaad assssssssss.

Nuv: Did we mention we dig Snyder? Him + Batman + Capullo = YEP.

Detective Comics by Tony Daniel

Nuv: Tony Daniel = NOPE. DC should hire a detective to locate his talent. Want proof that this’ll be a downgrade? This super-mega-fuck-yeah cover proves that (current artist) Jock and Joker were made for each other, much like Ian’s eyes and Pepper-spray.

Ian: I love Tony Daniel and if I don’t pick this up, it’ll be because I don’t have any money. If I don’t have any money, it’ll be because Nuv pays his writing staff with sexually inappropriate I.O.U’s.

Batman and Robin by Peter Tomasi and Patrick Gleason

Nuv: Yes, yes y’all. This creative team is batshit crazy, and so is Damian “The Bastard Wonder” Wayne. Guano!

Ian: The story of Batman and Robin was told perfectly in the movie, so why would I buy this? Clooney and O’Donnell FTMFW!

Batman: The Dark Knight by David Finch and Jay Fabok

Nuv: Nah. I mean, I could say yeah, I guess. It’ll never come out, so it’s not like I’ll have to follow through.

Ian: Put the bong down DC executives. Didn’t you just start a Finch-helmed comic called The Dark Knight with Batman and that rhyming demon or whatever? GOD!

Batwoman by J.H. Williams III, Haden Blackman and Amy Reeder

Mark: Trades, for sure. The zero issue that DC did release wasn’t anything phenomenal in terms of story, but if nothing else this will be a beautiful art book.

Ian: I’d literally give my left testicle for this comic book to be in my hands right now.

Nuv: Sho’nuff! J.H. takes his belt to blank pages and punishes them. One of the best artists in the biz. Not sure if he can write, but when you’re pretty enough, no one cares about what comes out of your mouth. (Just what goes in, according to Ian’s mom.)

Batgirl by Gail Simone and Ardian Syaf

Ian: IS THAT FUCKING BARBARA GORDON?! Pulled, ‘nuff said.

Mark: Yes! Yes, yes, yes! I’ve never read a Batgirl I didn’t like, and I am so excited to see Barbara Gordon taking back the role. Taking Barbara out of the wheelchair has caused quite a divide amongst fans, but in Simone I trust. If anyone can handle the change with the necessary respect, it is she.

Nuv: Pretty “diverse,” DC. What about the people with no legs?! Don’t they get a hero of their own? You had like 90 Batgirls and a BatWOMAN, but only one Oracle. Bah. Simone gets mad street cred though, so I’m hoping there’s a twist we don’t know about that allows both camps of BG fans (Batgirl and Oracle) to be happy. I wouldn’t bet my legs on it, though.

Catwoman by Judd Winnick and Guillem March

Mark: Winnick says this series is going to be sexy. And violent. And violently sexy. Or filled with sexy violence. Or something. Whatever. I’d rather Catwoman be written by a writer who understands that you don’t need to yell “sexy” from the mountaintops when you are writing Catwoman. It won’t be sexy just because you tell us it is.

Ian: Not to get overly superficial, but if the solicited cover looks like a badly-drawn acid trip, how does that bode for the inside art? Helllllll naaaaaaaw. Pass!

Birds of Prey by Duane Swierczynski and Jesus Saiz

Ian: Swierczynski ruled on Iron Fist a couple of years ago and Jesus Saiz is super solid, but the new character line-up looks pretty awful. Conflicted!

Mark: Even if this is a great read, it will not be Gail Simone’s Birds of Prey, and for that, I will hold a bit of a grudge against it.

Nightwing by Kyle Higgins and Eddy Barrows

Mark: My problem with any of the former Robins headlining their own title is that they are really just Batman-lite. And I’m just not a big enough fan of Batman to need more than one Batbook.

Ian: Like Nuv, Dick Grayson is terminally uncool. Therefore Nuv’s mom will probably buy him this book to give him a “hero” to identify with.

Nuv: Ian, we both know my mom doesn’t buy me comics. I just turn you upside down and shake until your lunch money falls out and, presto! Pull list paid for! So thanks in advance for Nightwing #1. If it sucks, I’ll probably wedgie you tomorrow. And THAT’S when you’ll finally find a pro to having no genitals!

Mark: Are you guys EVER nice to each other?

Ian: Nah.

Nuv: Nope

Mark: Perfect. Because this hasn’t been annoying at all…

Red Hood and The Outlaws by Scott Lobdell and Kenneth Rocafort

Ian: Man, I’ve loved Kenneth Rocafort ever since Madame Mirage, so I’ll be giving this one a flip through at least.

Nuv: Jason Todd adds more to the Bat-Mythos when he’s pushin’ daisies. In related news: Rocafort can Fuckaoff.

Mark: Let me just point out that the solicitation for this book confirmed that Jason Todd is Batman’s former sidekick. The solicit for Nightwing doesn’t say as much, but I can’t imagine them stripping Dick Grayson of that aspect of his origin. I will tell you why all this is important tomorrow. Promise.

Batwing by Judd Winick and Ben Oliver

Mark: Book two in the “all new, all diverse DC Universe.” Winnick seems to be DC’s go-to guy for “socially progressive” stories. He did the homophobia/hate crime bit in Green Lantern, the HIV positive Speedy in Green Arrow, and now he’s taking the helm of Batwing with DC’s diversity initiative. I support this. A culturally diverse universe is a more realistic one. But Winnick tends to be a little heavy-handed with these sorts of things.

Ian: Batwing?! We named THE DOG THE PLANE Indiana Batwing!

Nuv: If I say I have no interest, am I as racist as fanboys have been claiming DC is all these years? Or is it just because the costume sucks, and there are many characters, black, white, GREEN even, that deserve a title more than Batman’s own Steel? You decide, kiddies!

• BONUS BOOK: Batman Inc. by Grant Morrison and Chris Burnham (Not part of the 52; Re-launching 2012) •

Ian: Oh forget this! The current Batman, Inc. is perpetually late and complete gibberish. I’ll bet you a cool Sir Robert Borden that I never buy another Grant Morrison comic ever again!

Nuv: Oh that Ian! So quirky, so conflicted! First he LOVED this title. Now he HATES it. The one constant? NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! I’ll be copping this, but if I DID decide to skip this, it’d be because of Burnham, not Morrison.

Ian: Skip off a bridge. No opinion, Marky Mark?

Mark: Nope.

Nuv: Pussy.

Mark: What?!

Nuv: I wasn’t talking to you! Don’t assume just because I was LOOKING at you that I was TALKING to you! Fuckin’ ego on this guy, eh?

Ian: TELL me about it!!

Mark: … Much like Tom & Jerry, I think I liked you guys better when you were at each others throats instead of mine.

Ian: There he goes talkin’ about himself again!

Nuv: We’re not YOUR Funky Bunch, Mark! You’re MY Funky Bunch!

Mark: ….

Ian: You gotta BELIEVE, Marky!

Mark: Ok. MORE than enough. That’s a wrap. Bye.

Nuv: But…

Mark: Just… Bye.

NEXT ISSUE: SUPER-PUBERTY! MEET THE YOUNGBLOODS OF THE NEW DCU!
MARK (HEH) YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

PART ONE

DC Universe Presents by Various
(Featuring Deadman by Paul Jenkins & Bernard Chang; Rumoured: Vigilante by Darwyn Cooke)

Mark: The success of an anthology book in the current market is always a crap shoot, entirely dependent on top tier creative teams. This would have been a great opportunity for DC to skip the monthly book and just release a series of high quality graphic novels under the DC Universe Presents banner. Spotlight the characters in the new setting, and promote the hell out of them. Collect two stories in each book: one by a well known creator; another with a lesser-known. Instead, they’re going monthly and the series will likely flop.

Ian: Flip that flop, Marko Polo! Jenkins, Chang, Sook and possibly Cooke? I’m pulling it right now!

Nuv: Unfortunately, kids, I can attest that the perv is indeed “pulling it” right now. DCUP (rad!) seems like it’ll be the spiritual successor to Solo and Wednesday Comics, DC’s previous artist showcase series. If the level of talent remains high, I’ll support this like “Sweet Valley” Ian’s training bra supports his little bee-sting titties.

Mark: Why don’t you leave him alone?

Nuv: Why don’t I shit in your shampoo bottle?

Mark: [rolls eyes]

Swamp Thing by Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette and Francesco Francavilla

Mark: Count me in. Snyder (more on him tomorrow) and Paquette make for a formidable duo. Francesco Francavilla has also been named in connection with Swampy, so I will simply direct you to his poster for the Doctor Who episode, “The Impossible Astronaut.” Look at that and tell me FF won’t rock this book.

Ian: Scott Snyder again? Yes! Vampire Swamp Thing!

Nuv: Though the character resembles Mama Explosivo’s great yeast infection of the late 70s (later dressed in hipster rags and raised to refer to itself as Ian), the elite creative team gets the benefit of the doubt.

Justice League Dark by Peter Milligan and Mikel Janin

Ian: Milligan kind of blew it over at Marvel with 5 Ronin, and Madame Xanadu should be put to better use. Pass!

Mark: Despite having the worst title of any of the 52, I like the concept. I don’t know if I’ll read it monthly or in trade, but I’m interested. I wonder though, do you serve Justice League Dark chilled, or at room temperature?

Animal Man by Jeff Lemire, Travel Foreman and Dan Green

Ian: The title needs some work, but the concept is sound. And with DMZ, Northlanders and Scalped all ending, I need some new Vertigo-esque titles to pull. Maybe!

Nuv: Maaan, fuck vegetables!

Demon Knights by Paul Cornell, Diogenes Neves and Oclair Albert

Mark: This will be on my pull list. Not for me, but for my wife. She’s loved Demon ever since she saw him in the Justice League cartoon and shouted, “who’s the guy with fins on his head?” I texted her the solicitation copy for the book and she replied with a very enthusiastic “HOLY CRAP AWESOMESAUCE!!!” Cornell rocked the Lex Luthor-centric Action Comics and wrote two really good episodes of Doctor Who, so even though this is a “for the wife” book, you might catch me reading an issue or two.

Ian: Is that the rapping demon again? Maaaaannn…

Voodoo by Ron Marz and Sami Basri

Mark: The cover for this issue is absolutely gorgeous. Voodoo (see Wildcats Volume 2 for a great Joe Casey-penned story) is an interesting choice to headline a title. It sounds like DC will be using her story to explain the place of the Daemonites and Kherubim in the new DC Universe.

Ian: Ron Marz made me care about a Catholic heroine last year and Sami Basri almost made me buy Power Girl. So I’ll probably be powerless against this title.

I… Vampire by Josh Fialkov and Andrea Sorrentino

Mark: What the hell is this? A comic adaptation of Twilight?

Ian: A vampire book not written by Scott Snyder? Oh like THAT’S going to fly. Also, maybe DC didn’t hear how hard Marvel was getting mocked for their vampire stuff last year?

Frankenstein, Agent of Shade by Jeff Lemire and Alberto Ponticelli

Ian: I’ve been getting advance previews of this book for almost twenty years! It’s called Hellboy and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

Nuv: Hellboy jumped from Dark Horse to DC? THE Hellboy?! Sweet! DC always needed a pretty but painfully overrated and boring piece-o-shit comic to adapt into a well-cast but even more boring piece-o-shit movie! Hopefully they can grab that crummy lump Gianfelice (now that your beloved man-on-man Viking romance comic Northlanders has been given the long-overdue axe) and complete the property’s transformation into sedative-on-paper. Oh, what? This isn’t Hellboy? Oh. Well, then, I’ll pass. Despite Frankenstein being built like me from the waist down. Gundick!

Resurrection Man by Andy Lanning and Dan Abnett

Ian: Kind of a cool concept! I’ll probably read this at the store until someone is all “Hey BUDDY! This ain’t a LIBRARY!” and I’m all “FUGGEDDABOUTIT!”

Mark: Never read the original and probably won’t bother with this one. DnA write great stories, so no slight on them, but this was cancelled once due to poor sales. Can they pull it off this time?

Stormwatch by Paul Cornell and Miguel Sepulveda

Mark: Midnighter has a spike on his chin. His CHIN. That is all I am going to say about this.

Nuv: Hey, Stormwatch! Let Martian Manhunter and Cornell go. They never did nothin’ to nobody!

Grifter by Nathan Edmondson and CAFU

Mark: See Voodoo, but insert the bad-boy of the Wildstorm world.

Nuv: Heh. “CAFU.” Sounds like the beginning of a Fu-Schnickens lyric. Still, if Wildstorm had one iconic character that deserves to live on, this is it.

All-Star Western by Justin Gray, Jimmy Palmiotti and Moritat

Ian: Moritat’s art is revolting, so this looks pretty not-good. But Gray and Palmiotti have a fondness for Darwyn Cooke. So if that translates into more Cooke-drawn Western goodness, bring it on.

Nuv: Pfft! Moritat’s dope, and despite Hollywood’s successful attempt to convince everyone otherwise, so’s Jonah Hex. Justin and Jimmy have been quietly crafting a kick-ass western for DC for years, with one-and-done Eastwood-esque tales of few words and many bulllets. And bringing Hex to the Gotham of the late 1800s is comicbookawesomeyeah!

Sgt. Rock and the Men of War by Ivan Brandon and Tom Derenick

Mark: DC guns for the Call of Duty crowd…

Nuv: …and gets first-person-shot in the dick by low sales.

Deathstroke by Kyle Higgins and Joe Bennet

Mark: Look! More spikes! Everyone loves spikes, right? And big, Final Fantasy-style swords!

Ian: All masturbation jokes aside, this comic looks pretty lame.

Blackhawks by Mike Costa and Ken Lashley

Ian: Put Lady Blackhawk (Zinda Blake) front and center and I’ll read this book. Otherwise NO DICE!

Mark: What’s the count for black-ops/mercenary/ex-military books? I count six: Blackhawks, Deathstroke, Men of War, Grifter, Birds of Prey, and Suicide Squad. That’s six more books that don’t feature A-listers and are essentially competing with themselves for shelf space.

Nuv: My reaction to this rhymes with “Pooh Shivs Uh Clit.”

OMAC by Dan Didio and Keith Giffen

Mark: Great homage to King Kirby on the cover, but I could care less about this book. How long will DiDio stay involved with it? And how long will he hold off on canceling his own book? What, you don’t seriously think OMAC can hold up against Batman or a good 50% of the other books listed above, do you?

Ian: With Keith Giffen on the art, this book will never be late. If your only criteria for buying comics is that they’re never late, this is the book for you.

Suicide Squad by Adam Glass and Marco Rudy

Ian: I’m actually pretty interested in this book! Rudy’s art is really cool and the line-up (Harley Quinn, Deadshot and King Shark!!) is crazier than Nuv listening to Crazy Town.

Mark: I wonder if Kevin Smith looks at the Suicide Girl on this cover and regrets naming his daughter Harley Quinn.

Nuv: Regarding Harley Quinn, I brought in Magic 8 Ball (Ian’s pimp, not the novelty item). He says “That shit is decidedly so, Mu’fuckaz!”
Suicide Squad? “Concept is sound.” (Bad guys get sent on suicide missions to work off their imprisonment; not everyone makes it back alive.)
Will I buy it? “Reply is hazy. Ask again later. Pee-imp!” (Nah.)

Mark: Do you even know what you’re talking about?

Nuv: Suicide, it’s a suicide…

Ian: Buh-duh-bye-bye!!

Mark: Sigh. I wonder if Mark Campbell regrets this assignment…

NEXT ISSUE: BATSHIT!
MARK (HEH) YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN TOMORROW, SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

The Big… Three?! Nuv and Ian will be joined while they play 52 pick-up by Mark “Motherfuckin’” Campbell. He loves comics. He draws (web) comics. He IS comics!

Mark: Right. DC relaunch. Because it’s not a reboot. Nope. Despite new origins and de-aged characters, and the merging of the DC and Wildstorm Universes. My biggest concerns are that the titles will not mesh, the universe will lose cohesion, and in a few years we’ll be doing this all over again. But, all concerns aside, DC has managed to do the most important thing you can do in comics: they’ve got people talking. So, let me start doing just that.

The final week of August will see the final issue set in the current DC Universe and the first set in the New DCU…

Justice League by Geoff Johns and Jim Lee

Mark: Let’s let that sink in. Can we do that for a minute? I don’t know if anyone has really had time to process this, what with 51 other books announced in just over a week. Forget about the relaunch, and the rejuvenating, and the re-whatevering. Geoff Johns. And Jim Lee. On the Justice League. As long as it comes out on time, it will be a bestseller every month.

Ian: This title is going to suck because Jim Lee is a dick and Geoff Johns’ writing makes about as much sense as Nuv’s grasp of the English language. Total fail! Next!

Nuv: Fuck. Sorry Mark. I thought I made Old Yeller’s chain shorter, but here he is, shitting all over everything again. Funny thing is, he can’t even remember what he does and doesn’t like. Here’s two occasions of him singing Johns’ praises: “hypo” and “crite.”

Anyway, I’m with you. This is my dream team choice, creators and characters both. The jury’s out on Cyborg’s place here, the popped collars are a little douchey, and I don’t know why they have Martian Manhunter slumming it over in Stormwatch, but this’ll be a guaranteed blockbuster.

Wonder Woman by Brian Azzarello and Cliff Chiang

Ian: Azzarello is a weird-ass choice for this book, but I’ll read anything drawn by Cliff Chiang. Count me in on this one!

Mark: DC hasn’t told us much about how or if they will be adjusting Wonder Woman’s history, and when it comes to the big guns, the less I hear, the more I seem to worry. My reading history with Azzarello has been hit and miss, but I really like Chiang’s work of late. I’ll probably wait for the trade here.

Nuv: Clifford is indeed the boss of this here art shit! Have you seen his Runaways/Wonder Woman (master)piece? 70s cool, minus the menace of of the dreaded banana tit! They shoulda just let him handle all them DC hoes.

Aquaman by Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis

Ian: My least favourite writer on my least favourite hero? I’ll wait for this one to land in the dollar bins. And then not buy it.

Mark: I’m probably going to hear from Nuv for saying this, but I love Aquaman. I have since I picked up an issue by Peter David, Marty Egeland, and Jim Califiore. I have every issue of every Aquaman series from the eighties on… right up to the point Erik Larsen fucked it all up. Geoff, Ivan… please save my favourite B-lister. I think you are the team that can do it. And bring back Tempest while you’re at it.

Nuv: Ever had a close friend with a new, shitty girlfriend? You just gotta wait it out, and be there when they’re ready to move on. And, Mark? F@¢K! You’ve really let us all down with this particular closet-skeleton.

The Flash by Francis Manapul and Brian Buccellato

Ian: When The Flash series got sacked/turned into Flashpoint I was pretty grumpy. But I just can’t quit you Manapul!

Nuv: Flash and Francis Manapul have permanent spots on my pull list. As does “trigger of gun aimed at Ian.”

Mark: While I cannot praise Francis Manapul enough, I have little-to-no interest in this series.

The Savage Hawkman by Tony Daniel and Philip Tan

Mark: I have an old Hawkman #1 in which he and Hawkgirl fight the Shadow Thief. I’d rather find issue two from that series than read this one.

Ian: Philip Tan is off the hook and sure I’ll probably take a look but I probably won’t end up buying the book. See what I did there?

Nuv: Hawkman as the Indiana Jones of the DCU? I’ll read that shit! Well, as long as Tony Daniel was ordered to stay 600 yards away. Like Ian and schoolyards. So, never mind then.

Green Arrow by JT Krul and Dan Jurgens

Ian: The winsome Venus Explosivo loves anything Green Arrow, so we’ll definitely be pulling this one!

Nuv: This would’ve been the perfect opportunity to do something with DC’s best second-stringer and use the awesome Supermax concept. Krul and his heroin addict/cat abuse stories can fuck right off back to the pages of Ian’s dream journal.

Mark: Moving on…

Mister Terrific #1 by Eric Wallace and Roger Robinson

Mark: The announcement of this series was the first of three that featured black men in their own title, because DC is trying to be more diverse. I support the effort, but my lack of familiarity with the creative team leaves this book in the “wait for the trade” zone.

Ian: I always judge a book by its cover and this cover by J.G. Jones screams “Lame SAUCE!”

Captain Atom by JT Krul and Freddie Williams II

Mark: Freddie Williams II: good. JT Krul: bad. Captain Atom: somewhere in between. Conclusion: indifference.

Nuv: To get around the whole “doomed sequel to a sacred work” and “Alan Moore’s beard will kill us” issues, I wonder if they’ll make this version of Captain Atom closer to Dr. Manhattan, who was based on Captain Atom who was… Gah! Infinite loop!

Ian: Infinite POOP! Nobody is going to buy this comic. The only reason it’s getting published is because DC had a cult-like obsession with the number 52.

Justice League International by Dan Jurgens and Aaron Lopresti

Mark: I’ve been reading the current Booster Gold series in trade, and really enjoying it. Count me in, at least for the first arc. It looks like it could be a lot of fun and a good counterpoint to what is sure to be a widescreen, blockbuster affair on the main Justice League book.

Ian: Booster Gold and Batman huh? No wonder I Make Mine Marvel! Ultra pass!

Green Lantern by Geoff Johns and Doug Mahnke
Green Lantern Corps by Peter J. Tomasi and Fernando Pasarin
Green Lantern: The New Guardians by Tony Bedard and Tyler Kirkham

Mark: My love of the Green Lantern world died years ago. I’ve tried to get back into it more than once, but there’s nothing left there to hold my attention. GL has been Geoff Johns’ pet project for nearly a decade now, and it is the corner of the DCU that is likely to see the least change. No matter what DC says, I can’t picture Johns undoing or negating ten years of work. If anything, I get the feeling that Johns is using this as an opportunity to skip ahead a few years in his ongoing plot for GL. I suspect that the upcoming GL-verse is where Johns would have taken us in another few 87-part mega-stories. So if nothing else, at least we are being spared the “No Evil” and “Beware My Power” chapters of Johns’ plans.

Nuv: Look here, Campbell Soup – Green Lantern’s been overhauled from hokey second-stringer to A-list icon that deserves to stand next to Superman in the League, and Batman in sales. And it’s all thanks to Geoff Johns and the space super-epic he’s been weaving since stepping onto the title. He’s still here, so am I.

Red Lanterns by Peter Milligan and Ed Benes

Ian: Oh right! Like I’m EVEN going to read a comic book about dudes who go around barfing on everyone.

NEXT ISSUE: YOU CAN TELL IT’S DARK AND EDGY BY ALL THE SPIKES!! MORE #1′S WITH THE BIG THREE!
MARK (HEH) OFF YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAVE NUV-CHANNEL…

If you can’t suspend your disbelief, or you need to learn poignant life lessons with every trip to the cinema, steer clear of the fifth installment in the Fast & Furious franchise, cleverly named Fast Five. If you’re more “Yahoo!” than “Serious” and you like the over-the-top machismo & adrenaline of the previous installments (I do…well, some of them), swerve into your local theatre. You’ll like this one more, promise. Fast cars and faster hoes. No screen-time smeared by shitty-ass she-man Michelle Rodriguez. No attention paid to pesky laws, be they ‘road’ or ‘physics.’ Vin Diesel at his gravelly-voiced best vs The Motherfuckin’ Rock, trading in The People’s Eyebrow for The Pharoah’s Beard (see below). In this post-Stallone/Schwarzenegger landscape, this clash of throwback over-muscled badasses is just what this 80s baby ordered, and along with the lane change from road race to Ocean’s-style heist, speeds this one into first. Fun, dumb, fast, furious, fuckyeah. (Oh, and, for my money, The Rock takes this one. Sorry Vin.)

The entire soundtrack sucks the stick shift, so, instead, I’ll hit you with the appropriately-titled latest banger from the unholy union of Eminem & Royce Da 5’9”, Fast Lane…

Where Is Danny?

He’s probably fighting a giant squid, apparently. I dunno. I DO know that Danny Swain is the mu’fuckin’ TRUTH and if we don’t locate the man soon, rap might die. Join the search, mu’fuckers…

“Ya moms threw away your best porno mag…”

…so you may as well watch this, the full-length, days-old short film from the centuries old Beasties. Cause they’re just 2 A-dams and a Mike… ro…phone? Hmmm. Never mind. Wha? Shut up-a you face!

“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”

Fuckin’ Wayne’s World jokes?! Sweet… “Not!” Sigh… tell ‘em LaBonte. “Really?!” Moving on, quickly and without eye contact… I’mma see Thor this Friday. As is any Led Zeppelin-era comic fan, like my older brother, inner Olmos*-a-quakin’ in anticipation. The rest of you should too. Fuckin’ mighty hammers and Kirk’s dad and Natalie Portman and one-eye Anthony Hopkins and Kenneth Branagh and shit. AND it’s an Avengers tie-in. AND Stringer Bell’s the guardian of the Rainbow Bridge so… Shee-it. I had you till Rainbow Bridge didn’t I? Whatevs. I’ll be back Monday to tell you what I thought. Until then: THIS!

* Editor’s Note: Olmos – a fierce mullet/moustache combo platter; pock marks optional.

“And when I finally fly, I’m gonna show ‘em all…”

Smallville is almost over. I’ve put 10 years in, and I can’t say it was all worth it. Despite the best screen portrayal of Lex yet, Lana growing out of her cute phase and into cat face and all the annoying WB-angst baggage draggin’ the fuck along behind her led to my eyes puking from the constant rolling. Nonetheless, a decade spent together is something to take notice of. I’ll be back in a few weeks to say goodbye.

Until then, I’ll leave you with this clever take on the concept of the most famous comic book origin ever. Yo, XV: Form of Rap, son! Godspeed Up, Up and Away…

Action Speaks Louder

Action Comics hit #900 last week. 900 issues. 73 years. That’s huge! So’s the book itself, literally. 96 pages from the best and brightest in comics, movies and television, celebrating the best and brightest (and first) superhero of them all, the longest-running superhero comic ever. And, for once, one of these big, epic, spectacle anniversary issues lives up to the hype and anticipation. (For the most part.)

I could go on and on, but instead I’m gonna hit you with nine faster-than-a-speeding-bullet point reasons to celebrate Action Comics’ b-day and pick up this piece of comic history:

9. The covers! All three of ‘em! One: True Grit! Two: Chain Reaction! Three…

8. This Fuckin’ Guy! (See below, bottom left corners) It’s his 900-issue birthday too!

7. The cameos by Neil Gaiman’s Death & The Joker!

6. The main story, written by Paul Cornell, wraps a bow on the excellent Black Ring storyline starring Lex Luthor, and features the ultimate battle with his arch-enemy, making his return to the title LL usurped, Superman!

5. Lex achieves victory!

4. Lex’s Achilles Heel Kryptonite!

3. Defining moments for both that epitomize why their struggle against one another will be eternal, and why Superman will always win in the end!

2. Gary Frank, this generation’s premier Superman artist, channeling the ghost of Christopher Reeve through his pen, both in the main story (see above) and in the (very) short story “Friday Night In The 21st Century.”

1. “Life Support.” A (believe it or not) fresh take on the final days of Krypton. Courtesy of Lost mastermind Damon Lindelof and the absolutely stunning artwork of Ryan Sook, the 10 page short channels the tone and intellect of the Superman stories of Alan Moore in his prime, before Wicca and his beard took control, and the clean, iconic work of Dave Gibbons (on those same stories) with a for-good-measure dash of Season 1 Lost, especially in the pacing and reveal.

Yeah, yeah. I know what I said. I was there when I said it! Action > Words. Fine. If you’re not on an Apple device and have Flash enabled (Apple/Adobe are on some Supes/Lex shit) see for yourself below, both “Life Support” and “Friday Night In The 21st Century.” Then tie that towel around your neck and WHOOSH! Getonupouttahere. You may get to the local comic shop quick enough to buy a copy and read the rest. Ian, be sure to tie the other end to the rafters first. I’ll go get you a stool…

– Nuv