Batgirl #3

Ian: Well Babs has been back on her feet for a few months now and I gotta say this comic is getting better all the time. We still don’t know how she got out of her wheelchair but at least the teasers they’ve been dropping aren’t annoying. Who am I to tell Gail Simone what time it is? Her story itself is a good mix of superhero action and personal relationships, so I can definitely see why the character appeals to a wider audience than some of the other bat-books. Ardian Syaf and Vincente Cifuentes have been doing a great job of handling some pretty tricky action sequences and I really think Syaf’s pencil work gets stronger with every issue. What’s really appealing for me though are the colours. Ulises Arreola makes great use of (and really pulls off) his purples and pinks and that’s not something you see in other DC titles. All-in-all, this is definitely a book worth picking up. Oh, and did I mention Adam Hughes is absolutely KILLING IT on the covers?

Huntress #2

Ian: There have been some seriously questionable mini-series (and television shows) to come out of the Birds of Prey camp since their inception. This year’s six-issue Huntress series, thankfully, is one of the good ones. I’ve really gotta hand it to Paul Levitz on this book. His Helena-in-Italy story is a lot of fun and even though it’s dealing with a serious issue (human trafficking) the book itself isn’t miserable or preachy. The real reason to pick this book up, though, is Marcus To’s art. He’s a talented character artist and he’s great at facial expressions. He tends to choose clever angles to tell a great visual story, and his backgrounds are fully realized. John Dell’s inks are a great mix of big bold blacks for the dark scenes and minimalist, super-tight line work for the daytime scenes and Andrew Dalhouse’s colours are near-perfect. I honestly think that with a team like this DC could put out an ongoing Huntress book and find a decent readership. Think about it!

Nuv: BAM! Surprise article-invasion, WHAT?!

Birds of Prey #3

Nuv: Man, the title of this post is totally misleading! I thought I was finally going to get to see Venus slap the shit out of you. Anyway, who’da thunk that Simone, Barbara “Batgirl” Gordon and Huntress all flying the coop would result in Birds of Prey KICKING ASS?! I’d never been a fan of this title until now. Duane Swierczynski is absolutely killing it on the writing tip. It’s thanks to him the absence of the character most associated with the franchise (Barbara) doesn’t even matter! Duane made the newest Bird the flyest! A tattooed, tough-as-nails, smart-as-a-whip chick named Starling steals every scene she’s in.

Oh, and HOLY SHIT is artist Jesus Saiz living up to his first name! Lesser illustrators should pray to his pages. A beautiful, fun, adrenaline-filled ride, Birds of Prey accomplishes exactly what every bra-burning blog claims comics don’t do, and provides us with a rock-solid title starring strong female leads. Dowhutchyalike. Me? I’ll be picking up these lovely ladies every fourth Wednesday, ‘kay?

Ian: I took a reader poll, and nobody cares what you think.

Nuv: Word on the street is you’ve taken MANY poles.

Justice League #3

Ian: This week saw the triumphant return of Wonder Woman to the Justice League. Well, I guess it’s not so much of a “return” as it is “addition” seeing as though they’re still putting the team together “for the first time”. I know people have been more wary / critical of this book than any other title in the DC New 52 (and with good reason) but as a reader with almost no history with the JL, I’ve been having a really good time so far. And this issue, as far as I’m concerned, is the best one yet because of Wonder Woman. She’s cute and naïve and brave and violent and while she skirts the edge of bimbo-ism, I don’t think that’s the direction Geoff Johns is going to go with the character. This issue has great big fight scenes and Diana leads the charge. Good times!

Nuv: I concur. Justice League rules. It reads like a perfect blueprint for a JL movie. So, I guess if you don’t want a year-round summer blockbuster starring all of the A-List characters DC has to offer, forged by two A-List creators at the top of their game, then this title isn’t for you. ‘Cause fuck fun, you know?

Supergirl #3

Ian: Kara Zor-El (aka Supergirl!) has been having a pretty crappy time since she landed on Earth. She got the goofiest set of boots in the entire relaunch, her cousin keeps telling her what to do, and now some jackass named Simon Tycho is working on becoming her own personal Lex Luthor. On the upside, Michael Green and Mike Johnson are writing a GREAT story that has just the right amount of story and exposition without being a boring chore to read (see: Perez’s Superman). Also, I can’t believe that Mahmud A. Asrar has been able to keep up the quality of work he has. We’ve praised this book over and over in this column, and we’ll probably continue praising it because it’s hands-down one of the best books being published by ANY comic book publisher right now.

Wonder Woman #3

Ian: The history of the Greek gods has always been like an episode of Maury, and Azzarello’s run on Wonder Woman has been no different. Didja hear what happened?! As it turns out Diana wasn’t made from clay at all! (Crowd: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HELL naw!) Instead it turns out she’s the illegitimate product of Queen Hippolyta knockin’ the boots with Zeus himself! (crowd: Booooooooooo! Whore! Censor BEEEEP!) Now add the fact that the Amazons got duped into fighting and killing each other in the last issue, well, let’s just say that Paradise Island is a bit of a misnomer these days. Cliff Chiang is doing a great job of drawing all this crazy biz, and it’s gonna be a sad state of affairs when he leaves after issue four. But you know what? I bet the book is still gonna rock nuts when Tony Akins begins his run next year. Hooray!

Nuv: As you can see, DC actually has no shortage of female-driven titles. Sure, they’re of varying quality, but that’s true of the books starring dudes too. So, where do the rest of them stand? Well, Voodoo (the killer alien stripper!) is nice to look at, thanks to Sami Basri. The much-reviled Catwoman’s actually getting better by the issue. Batwoman’s been the cream of the crop from jump. I don’t count Hawk & Dove, because Liefeld characters do not remotely resemble humans, never mind gender. Which leaves…

Suicide Squad #3

Nuv: I actually dropped this shitpiece after the first issue, but I heard about this scene and thought I should point it out. Basically, Harley Quinn (Joker’s bitch) gets boned by Deadshot. And compares her vajeej to a clown car. Check the sleaze:

Because, you know, so many things go in and out of clown cars. Loose, not just in morals, apparently. Basically, one way to look at it is that DC seems to be trying to negate all of the strides they’re making with female portrayals in their other titles. Maybe we’re just not looking at the big picture though. Part of the mandate was to diversify, and the way I see it, sluts need heroes (and villains) to call their own too, right? Presto! Between this and Red Hood’s brain dead portrayal of Starfire, mission accomplished! One of each! Jeez! Don’t be so prejudice guys! Doughboy said it best back in Boyz N The Hood: “hoes gotta eat too!”

Ian: And, perfect segue for Nuv to go have dinner! That’s it for now! I’m sure we’ll be revisiting this topic in upcoming articles because, like I said, there’s a boatload of great creators working on great super-heroine titles right now. Sure there can always be more and I’m sure the popularity of these titles will make that happen, but in the meantime there really are a pile of books worth checking out, so go check ‘em out already!

Until next week! Put two in the air…

– The Big Two

“This looks like a job for Superman.” Quick cuts: Glasses off; ‘S’ curl falls into place; Shirt rips open to reveal the ‘S’ logo and, as the familiar opening strains of John Williams’ iconic (nay, NECESSARY) theme kicks in, our hero takes to the sky for the first time. Cut to first person view of flying through clouds. Allow the camera to hang back, and slowly pan slightly above and behind our Man of Steel for a profile view of his maiden flight, before circling him as he gradually begins to fly ever-faster, breaking the sound barrier as he does, and smiling an ever-widening smile that could only come with the joy of learning you can fucking fly! Finally, settle in behind again as he suddenly arcs straight up, camera in hot pursuit. Cut to a static shot, calling back to the end of Superman: The Movie, high above Earth as he floats into frame, slowly turns his gaze directly on the camera, smiles knowingly and begins to change his flight-path away from us before, once again, taking off fast enough that, if there was sound in space, he would be followed by a sonic boom. Instead, all we get is a red/blue/yellow blur, just as the theme kicks into the main coda, and the blur fades into the familiar zooming-with-tracers credits of the first film.

THAT’S how you end, Smallville. Break your “No Tights, No Flights” rule in one, fell, nostalgia-soaked swoop. Up, up and away…

Instead, and indicative of you as a whole, I kinda got what I wanted, amidst a bunch of compromises and half-measures.

Like the final seconds of your finale, for example. Take my paragraph above, keep the ’shirt’, ‘theme’ and ‘credits’, cut the rest for budget/time/etc reasons, and… scene. Admittedly it was a cool scene, that you’ve been building to for literally the entire series, but still… that’s it? That’s it. Deal with it. I did. I was even somewhat satisfied with it, only because you’ve set the bar a little on the low side. Just a hop and a skip to clear it in a single bound. Fuck jump!

OR how about when you gave us a Darkseid (and a Doomsday before him, for that matter) that looked way better than we thought you capable of, only to have their fights with Clark end in three seconds and off camera (Doomsday) or via Lost-Smoke-Monster/Lionel Zombie (Darkseid).

OR, looking even further back, a Lana Lang that was cute for a few seasons. And then? Full moons, puberty, wicca, shitty writing and (you guessed it) Kryptonite turned her into THE most annoying, angsty were-cat-kung fu-witch-bitch of all time for the next six*, while she dreamed of leaving the show that gave her her start for bigger and better things. Things like box office smash ‘Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li.’ Oh, did I say “box office smash?” I meant “straight to DVD trash.” My mistake. “There’s better staged and more enjoyable brawls between Peter and the Chicken on Family Guy” would’ve been a blurb on the poster, had this movie deserved a poster. Tell you what. Take a shit. Wipe your ass. Hang that on the wall. Boom! Accurate ‘Legend of Chun Li‘ poster. Uh, so basically, Lana sucks cave-dicks for loose change. A sincere thanks for not having her back on your finale. I mean, really, who wants to see a cat-bitch suck a cave-dick? You shoulda brought Pete Ross back though. For shame, Smallville. For shame…
(*At least Chloe’s character, upon learning Clark’s secret, traveled in the opposite direction on ‘Annoying Avenue’ at roughly the same time. Tits for tats, biotch!)

OR when I wanted Batman and you gave me, first, Not-Batman, and then Green Arrow. (Who was actually pretty rad once I got to know him. But, despite basically being Batman, he’s no Batman. Well, considering how Bruce Wayne opened the door for you, Smallville, maybe now that you’re closed for business you can put in a good word for him.)

BUT I don’t want to speak ill of the departed. You tried, and I for one appreciate it. E for effort. A for attitude. The point above was that you knew how to wield a double-edged sword, (must’ve been because of all of the time Lex and Lionel spent fencing mu’fuckers in the early seasons) so I’ll take the medicine with the sugar, I suppose. The REAL point, however, is that I’ve spent a decade with you Smallville. Ten years. A third of my life. I still lived in my own Smallville when Clark first began his journey (Victoria, British Columbia, aka the Satanist hippy capital of the world). Unlike Clark I didn’t find reasons to procrastinate moving to my Metropolis (Vancouver, aka the purse-dog capital of the world), though I forgive him that. Wouldn’t have been ten seasons if he became the man he was destined to be in Season Two. Fair enough. Plus, I just made the move and then procrastinated. And here we are: you, a rollercoaster of quality, just now allowing a 30 (?) year old Superboy to become a Superman; me, talkin’ about your ass instead of doing what I’m destined to do. (Ian’s mom.) Touché. Same shit, different sequence.

The real point is: it’s time to say goodbye.

Goodbye to a show that gave me a dose of my favourite Superhero for ten years. It all begins with Clark Kent. Tom Welling looked the part and grew into an alright actor with some presence, which worked well, as his character was slowly growing into his boots simultaneously. And he was tall as shit, so there’s that. Anyway, It’s time to let you go Clark. Spread your wings and getthefuckouttahere!

Goodbye to a show that slid us the best Lois Lane yet. Seriously, Erica Durance was pitch perfect. Sexy. Scattered. Strong. And, most important, sassy, but not in a forced Michelle Rodriguez (man, I hate her) “woman-roar/cunt-beast” way. She had all of the chemistry with Welling that Kreuk’s Lana Lang lost later in the series, and upon Lex’s exit, her added screen time gave Smallville the spark it needed to survive the absence of one of it’s two most important characters, and give this guy (pointing to self with both thumbs) a heat vision boner!

Goodbye to a show that extended the intertwined destinies of our hero and villain to their fathers. First up: the soul and beating bleeding heart of the show, one of the original Good Ol’ Boys, Jonathan “Pa” Kent. Martha was also outstanding, but it was all about Pa. He provided the lessons and link to humanity and wisdom that, more than his powers did, cemented the sound foundation that one day made Clark Superman. And, for all of it’s stunts and quickly reversed sweeps week deaths, the one that stuck and ended up being both the most moving and most important, was Jonathan’s.

Still, I’m glad you didn’t let a little thing like him being dead stop him from providing Clark one last lesson and (in a move that breaks from the comics and makes little sense but feels just right) his suit. For someone who was so pivotal in the beginning and whose spectre hung so thick over everything long after he left, it felt perfect to have him involved in the end. Stay classy Smallville, and sayonara Jonathan.

And to the flip side of that coin, adieu. Lex’s father, as portrayed by John Glover, the always awesome Lionel Luthor. And his epic hair. Hair that, on top of being majestic, was central to one of my favourite season finale montage-to-music endings, something the show did extremely well when not using Evanescence Goth-Angst Douchery.

And, like Jonathan to Clark, Lionel’s death was a pivotal point in his son’s journey, and ironically, Lex pushing Lionel out that window is what pushed Lex over that edge to stand firmly on the dark side…

Goodbye to a show that introduced me to Johnny Cash’s version of Hurt in another one of those perfect, early season, end-of-episode doozies. This one came after Lex finally learned the truth about Clark’s powers after Clark was forced to catch a car in mid-air with his bare hands before it crushed Lex and driving ol’ cueball mad.

Goodbye to a show that gave me the goosebump-inducing Christopher Reeve passing of the torch episode and pretty much everything to do with the Kryptonian aspects of the mythology, from Jor-El (voiced by the original Zod, Terence Stamp) to the Fortress of Solitude. And (once you got over the “Freak-of-the-Week” syndrome) a whole fuck-ton of DC heroes and villains to try to make up for the lack of Batman. (Scan the tags below the post for the names.) I know you were supposed to be equal parts 90210 and comic book, but you were at your best when dishing out healthy helpings of the latter. Fuck a Peach Pit!

And, as it began with Clark, there’s really only one place it could end: Lex. Fucking. Luthor. The best thing about this show, hands down, and the best portrayal of the character yet. Michael Rosenbaum absolutely killed it every time he stepped in frame. See, what drove the show from the first frame was the dynamic between Clark and Lex. Their doomed friendship, their fathers, their destiny and their chemistry. Watching an arch-enemy-ship (?) develop as a slow burn was intense and riveting, and watching Lex fall from grace was, well, graceful. From the meteor shower linked to both of their origins, to Clark and Lex’s first meeting on that bridge, through Lex’s pivotal plunge into villainy via the murder of Lionel, all the way to his return in the finale for his first confrontation with Clark in years, and his last on the series. Despite some missteps in a later scene explaining why Lex wouldn’t recognize Clark as Superman later in life, this first scene positively crackled with energy and was a microcosm of my favourite aspects of the show, showing us just what we’ve been missing since he left: Equal parts cunning, calculating and cool.

I love this scene. From Lex’s first line to Clark’s last. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, Lex.” Chills, motherfucker, chills! Like clockwork, from day one, Rosenbaum has brought out the best in Welling. If I could, I’d have taken a cue from Lex’s bald-ass head and streamlined the show to be just about the Kents and Luthors. (OK, Lois can stick around too.) Anyway, it is what it is. He was “just” the villain of the story on screen. But to me? He was the story.

Well, taking about as long-winded a path as you did to reach my conclusion, here we are. I won’t miss Captain Arthritis‘ painful falsetto rendition of your opening theme song (performed EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE.) but I will miss you. Goodbye, Smallville. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. (Superspeed, and I’m out! Cue familiar zooming-with-tracers credits…)

– Nuv

If you can’t suspend your disbelief, or you need to learn poignant life lessons with every trip to the cinema, steer clear of the fifth installment in the Fast & Furious franchise, cleverly named Fast Five. If you’re more “Yahoo!” than “Serious” and you like the over-the-top machismo & adrenaline of the previous installments (I do…well, some of them), swerve into your local theatre. You’ll like this one more, promise. Fast cars and faster hoes. No screen-time smeared by shitty-ass she-man Michelle Rodriguez. No attention paid to pesky laws, be they ‘road’ or ‘physics.’ Vin Diesel at his gravelly-voiced best vs The Motherfuckin’ Rock, trading in The People’s Eyebrow for The Pharoah’s Beard (see below). In this post-Stallone/Schwarzenegger landscape, this clash of throwback over-muscled badasses is just what this 80s baby ordered, and along with the lane change from road race to Ocean’s-style heist, speeds this one into first. Fun, dumb, fast, furious, fuckyeah. (Oh, and, for my money, The Rock takes this one. Sorry Vin.)

The entire soundtrack sucks the stick shift, so, instead, I’ll hit you with the appropriately-titled latest banger from the unholy union of Eminem & Royce Da 5’9”, Fast Lane…

Where Is Danny?

He’s probably fighting a giant squid, apparently. I dunno. I DO know that Danny Swain is the mu’fuckin’ TRUTH and if we don’t locate the man soon, rap might die. Join the search, mu’fuckers…

“Ya moms threw away your best porno mag…”

…so you may as well watch this, the full-length, days-old short film from the centuries old Beasties. Cause they’re just 2 A-dams and a Mike… ro…phone? Hmmm. Never mind. Wha? Shut up-a you face!

“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”

Fuckin’ Wayne’s World jokes?! Sweet… “Not!” Sigh… tell ‘em LaBonte. “Really?!” Moving on, quickly and without eye contact… I’mma see Thor this Friday. As is any Led Zeppelin-era comic fan, like my older brother, inner Olmos*-a-quakin’ in anticipation. The rest of you should too. Fuckin’ mighty hammers and Kirk’s dad and Natalie Portman and one-eye Anthony Hopkins and Kenneth Branagh and shit. AND it’s an Avengers tie-in. AND Stringer Bell’s the guardian of the Rainbow Bridge so… Shee-it. I had you till Rainbow Bridge didn’t I? Whatevs. I’ll be back Monday to tell you what I thought. Until then: THIS!

* Editor’s Note: Olmos – a fierce mullet/moustache combo platter; pock marks optional.

“And when I finally fly, I’m gonna show ‘em all…”

Smallville is almost over. I’ve put 10 years in, and I can’t say it was all worth it. Despite the best screen portrayal of Lex yet, Lana growing out of her cute phase and into cat face and all the annoying WB-angst baggage draggin’ the fuck along behind her led to my eyes puking from the constant rolling. Nonetheless, a decade spent together is something to take notice of. I’ll be back in a few weeks to say goodbye.

Until then, I’ll leave you with this clever take on the concept of the most famous comic book origin ever. Yo, XV: Form of Rap, son! Godspeed Up, Up and Away…

Action Speaks Louder

Action Comics hit #900 last week. 900 issues. 73 years. That’s huge! So’s the book itself, literally. 96 pages from the best and brightest in comics, movies and television, celebrating the best and brightest (and first) superhero of them all, the longest-running superhero comic ever. And, for once, one of these big, epic, spectacle anniversary issues lives up to the hype and anticipation. (For the most part.)

I could go on and on, but instead I’m gonna hit you with nine faster-than-a-speeding-bullet point reasons to celebrate Action Comics’ b-day and pick up this piece of comic history:

9. The covers! All three of ‘em! One: True Grit! Two: Chain Reaction! Three…

8. This Fuckin’ Guy! (See below, bottom left corners) It’s his 900-issue birthday too!

7. The cameos by Neil Gaiman’s Death & The Joker!

6. The main story, written by Paul Cornell, wraps a bow on the excellent Black Ring storyline starring Lex Luthor, and features the ultimate battle with his arch-enemy, making his return to the title LL usurped, Superman!

5. Lex achieves victory!

4. Lex’s Achilles Heel Kryptonite!

3. Defining moments for both that epitomize why their struggle against one another will be eternal, and why Superman will always win in the end!

2. Gary Frank, this generation’s premier Superman artist, channeling the ghost of Christopher Reeve through his pen, both in the main story (see above) and in the (very) short story “Friday Night In The 21st Century.”

1. “Life Support.” A (believe it or not) fresh take on the final days of Krypton. Courtesy of Lost mastermind Damon Lindelof and the absolutely stunning artwork of Ryan Sook, the 10 page short channels the tone and intellect of the Superman stories of Alan Moore in his prime, before Wicca and his beard took control, and the clean, iconic work of Dave Gibbons (on those same stories) with a for-good-measure dash of Season 1 Lost, especially in the pacing and reveal.

Yeah, yeah. I know what I said. I was there when I said it! Action > Words. Fine. If you’re not on an Apple device and have Flash enabled (Apple/Adobe are on some Supes/Lex shit) see for yourself below, both “Life Support” and “Friday Night In The 21st Century.” Then tie that towel around your neck and WHOOSH! Getonupouttahere. You may get to the local comic shop quick enough to buy a copy and read the rest. Ian, be sure to tie the other end to the rafters first. I’ll go get you a stool…

– Nuv

Ian: Whenever the question comes up about what you’d do with a time machine, people always say they’d go back in time and strangle Hitler or Nuv in their cribs. I’d probably go back and strangle Paul Norris and Mort Weisinger (as grown men) for creating a character as idiotic as Aquaman.

Nuv: Aquaman, you absolute shit-shard, swim the fuck away. You’re that chunk that just won’t flush. I don’t really care either way about Namor either, but at least he’s amusingly arrogant, so you can love-to-hate him Reggie Mantle-style. You? You have an orange shirt and you talk to fishies by shooting what looks like a slinky out of your head and ventriloquist-ing “doo-doo-doo” noises. Ian’s a walking vagina lip with a yellow stripe down his back and chicken feathers sticking out his back-pussy and HE don’t sweat you! You were responsible for Justice League Detroit, the worst era in the esteemed franchise’s history, where your impressive roster of a homeless gypsy, a whiny android, a grating breakdancer and a balding man, all came together to suck unbelievably under your command, and die. Not surprisingly, DC had to cancel their long-running flagship team book just to get the stink off. Way to go, goof!

I suppose I can’t say you’ve never entertained me. You’ve had your hands cut off (once each) and that was a fun read for me. You’re such a walking punchline that your biggest brush with fame, outside of a simplistic children’s cartoon from decades ago, came via an ongoing Entourage plot that chose you BECAUSE you’re the biggest joke in comics. Arthur, you’re a gag in every sense of the word.

Everyone wonders why the fuck you’re on the Justice League next to the greatest heroes alive. I finally figured it out. You’re that asshole that nobody wants around but has history, and one friend in the group, so you keep getting invited around. And just when we think we’re rid of you, you rear your stupid head. We’re stuck with you. Like Herpes.

So, believe me when I say this that I say it with every fucking ounce of my being and all the bordering-on-nazi-ish hate my heart can muster: Fuck you, completely and sincerely and with a dick dipped in sand, glue and glass. Fuck you. You walking fish-stick.

Why Dr. Doom Is Fucking Awesome!

Ian: Anyone who rocks a metal mask and whose resume includes the words “scientist” and “sorcerer” gets my vote for total bad-assery. Also, if you’re born with the name Victor von Doom, your rad fucking vocation is basically set from birth. If you’re born with a name like Nuv, you’d be lucky to wear a bright blue vest and welcome people to your store for minimum wage.

Nuv: A name like Ian Explosivo appears frequently on ‘Registered Sex Offender’ lists. You pretty much nailed it with everything but your feeble attempt at a diss, though. Everything about Doctor Doom rules like a muh’fuh, and with an iron fist! He defeated, then stole the power of, a thinly-veiled version of God for Chris’sakes! More importantly than all of the above reasons, though, is that he’s down with the Biz!

On my favourite villains list, Vic lands at number three. Number two is Lex Luthor. And number one is…

Speaking Of That Shit: Our Favorite Fucking Bad Guys!

Nuv: Joker. He’s the coolest, in every incarnation. He was an early pioneer for the Moustache Rights movement in the late 60s AND he has a sextape. (Chicken, egg.) He knows cool magic tricks! He gets a front row seat wherever the fuck he goes, pulls off the regal colour purple and wears sunglasses indoors. He’s ALWAYS in a good mood. He beats snot-nosed losers to death with crowbars in front of their moms. He’ll cripple your daughter, then strip and torture you via S&M midgets and photography. AND if you’re too pussy to kill him when he tells you to, he’ll break his own neck just to prove a point. AND he’ll win an Oscar AFTER that! AND he lent me his crowbar to deal with MY midget problem. Come here, Ian…

Ian: Fuck whoever Nuv picked! I didn’t even read the last paragraph! I don’t even care! There is no villain more gangsta than Erik Lehnsherr aka MAGNETO. And do you know what makes him the greatest?! The fact that he’s always TOTALLY CORRECT. Fuck homo sapiens! Homo superior FTW!

Nuv: Yeah. “FTW” indeed. Especially in this story of his team-up with Galactus…

Making Alpha Flight Fucking Cool!

Ian: Nothing will ever make Alpha Flight cool. Alpha Flight sucks. John Byrne should be convicted of treason in Canada for saddling us with such a wack group of “heroes” to call our own. They’re based out of Parliament Hill for Christ’s sake, fighting polar bears and frostbite. Raking leaves and putting up wood panel walls in their houses and shit. Using serviettes and trying not to spill their Habitant split-pea and ham soup on their chesterfields. Riding their snowmobiles to fight, oh, let’s say, businesses that stay open past 6pm.

Nuv: Ha! I was all set to try and defend them, but now I just want to read about them raking leaves and fucking up their furniture. Really, it’s more that I’ve always WANTED to like them, but help me out here guys! Being Canadian and Wolverine’s former team are not enough for you guys to coast on forever. Your roster is just laughable. A moustached midget in a leotard is something I already have to tolerate. (See: author of previous paragraph.) And Northstar? Fuck off! I have no problem with him being gay or a French-Canadian. No, MY problem is with somebody having the superpower to shine really bright when they hold hands with their twin. (No offense Matt & Jay Haddow.) Guardian/Vindicator are fine, but the rest of these two-bit hosers need to be replaced right-quick. Eh.

And Fuck You Guys Too!

Ian: You want me to put together a team of my least favourite heroes of all time? Man, this is the easiest question ever! It’s called the Justice League of America and it already exists. ZING! Seriously though, a team of my least favourite heroes would have to include Ant Man (or any of the miniature heroes), Cyclops, Deadpool, Hawk, Nuv, Power Girl, and Superboy. Oh, and any superhero drawn by Erik Larsen in the 90s. Or now. Or ever.

Nuv: Aww. I’m one of your heroes? That’s precious. My picks are: Aqualad, Jubilee, Banshee, Forge, Maggott (the name is off by a few letters), Northstar and Aurora, Marrow, (fuck, a lot of X-Men suck the bone!), Dr. Druid, Black Bat-Wolverine with AIDS Shadowhawk, any New Universe character, the emo couple hanging on your living room wall, The Wonder Twins – the one that could turn into water (whoop-de-shit!) specifically – and, bringing it full circle, Aquaman as leader to ensure their swift cancellation/death.
Gaylords: Assemble!

Fuck you, comics!

– The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: FIND OUT WHAT THE FF STANDS FOR NOW THAT THE FANTASTIC FOUR IS DOWN TO THREE.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

Before we get into the usual tomfoolery and schoolyard barbs* – it is with a heavy heart I take this opportunity to say a few words about the late Dwayne McDuffie.

I was actually in line to buy All Star Superman on Blu-Ray when, surfing them internets on my phone, I came across the news that the guy who wrote the thing I was holding in my hand had died.

Now, I didn’t actually know him (outside of his work) and I’m a man and shit, so it’s not like I cried or anything. Still, the thought of someone responsible for this much stuff that I love, coupled with the fact that I always have these weird synchronistic moments, did give me a bit of a shudder.

Dwayne McDuffie was a man majorly important to my collection specifically, and to comics in general. He loved what he did. You could tell. His passion for comics even shone through on the early, weird shit, like his animated-style Back II The Future series, and these bent-as-a-Gonzo-dick comics about Prince and his evil Pied Piper-ass twin doing battle with magic guitars and superpowers in between bangin’ hoes. (And: yes. That is a Brian “The Killing Joke” Bolland cover!)

He closed out the Firestorm series with a bang, or rather a Boom, via an epic Darkseid storyline. He was responsible for the last decent run on the Justice League of America, managing to deliver epic action, spot-on characterization and subtle humour despite being saddled with editor-mandated event after disruptive event, mid-storyline. His humorous Damage Control, pitched as “a sitcom within the Marvel Universe,”  followed a construction crew that deals with the property damage left in the wake of superhero battles. His most historic contribution to comics is also linked to his funniest by the race card that he furiously brandished like he was Gambit: DC’s “black label” comics imprint, Milestone Media, and his infamous “Teenage Negro Ninja Thrashers” memo, respectively.

That doesn’t begin to cover everything he did in his decades in the biz, but it gives a bit of a highlight reel of the man as far as his contributions to the comic world. His contributions to my collection? Well, I have some of those comics I mention above, but, truth be told, Dwayne’s greatest hits, in my opinion, sit on my DVD/Blu-Ray shelf. Alongside the almighty architect, Bruce Timm, DM had a HUGE hand in crafting the DC Animated Universe, and in making it as kick-ass as it has been. I spoke of them (and Timm) in an older article, but I only briefly mentioned McDuffie. Which is unfair, as his involvement was anything but brief. Writing. Producing. He was the show-runner through the mind-meltingly good “Unlimited” seasons of the Justice League animated series, and he had a hand in a few of the Animated Movies, including writing the adaptation of the one released one day after his death. The one getting unanimous praise. The (second!) one about Superman dying. The one based on my “Book of the (last) Decade.” The one, the only, All Star Superman.

I was originally going to review the movie before I learned of the industry losing a real-life All Star. Seems a little insignificant now, but I’ll give you an abbreviated version anyway:

It’s fucking awesome. No, it doesn’t fit in everything from the book. Yes, the book is better. It’s still fucking awesome.

The amount of material that does make it into it’s brisk 76 minute run-time, uncompromisingly, brain/heart/soul intact, is impressive. The animation is fluid. The action, explosive. The art style captures the essence of Frank Quitely without actually looking like his work. The voice acting is killer, from James Denton’s Superman/Clark Kent to the latest in a long line of  Lois Lanes, Christina Hendricks (of Mad Men, I mean BOOB, infamy) to Anthony LaPaglia’s scene-stealing Lex Luthor. (Like the book, the Lex/Clark prison sequence is a stand-out.) I really noticed, isolated from the million-ideas-a-second Morrison crammed into the book, how every beat Supes goes through is really some human drama shit, just juxtaposed with cosmic sci-fi trappings. Superman gets cancer! (From a Lex Luthor deathtrap while fighting a monster on the sun.) Superman makes his bitch a birthday present! (Superpowers for a day.) Superman feeds his pet! (Pet alien that eats suns. What else?!) Superman watches Solaris! (Oh. Never mind. It should be BATTLES Solaris, as in The Tyrant Sun, not the Soderbergh remake. Sitting through the movie is probably more of a superhuman feat, actually…) Etc. All of the fun, over-the-top ridiculousness of the Silver Age, but with modern storytelling flourishes. Even though this isn’t a comic, this is a perfect comic.

If only we could all go out on such a high note.

Rest in peace, Middle-aged Negro Ninja Thrasher. No rest for me. I’m gonna stay up and rewatch some of your old JLU episodes…

– Nuv

*”Schoolyard Barb” is Ian’s prostitute name. Commence!

NEXT ISSUE: WITNESS THE WIDOWED MOUSTACHE! SEE THE STORM SUBSIDE!
MORE MOURNING: TOMORROW MORNING! SEE YOU THEN, PIG-HOGS!

The bulk of your time will be spent in either Metropolis or Gotham City. At all times you will find other heroes flying, speed running or vaulting and climbing around the landscape. A clunky chat system is currently in place to communicate with those in your vicinity or to the world at large, which players hope a future patch will make more usable. There is always something going on around you that you can interact with like structures to destroy or enemies to attack. There are also landscapes to explore to find Investigations (information relative to your current mission), Briefings (background stories relevant to the cast that you interact with in the game) or Collections (pieces of costume that can only be found at these specific locations), all rewarding you for your continued traversal of the world.

As it is in most MMORPG’s, the mission types will vary from solo quests, to large scale battles requiring you to team up with friends or strangers, all aligned as either Hero or Villain to progress the story. Even if you have completed one of the missions previously, you can be invited to a new group and take on the challenge again, earning experience points (XP) to further level up your character and to get new items to equip, trade or sell.

I’ve attacked and killed Bizarro about 10 times, Supergirl has had a beat down about five times, and the Teen Titans have met my heat vision twice so far. These are some of the bigger missions I have been involved with in my first few days, along with various “attack and kill 25 specific bad guys” orders from various DC bad guys.

The “hook” of DCU:O is it’s mentoring system. At the get go, your first decisions consist of choosing whom you would like to model yourself after. Three heroes and three villains are at your disposal, each with their own story lines and errands for you to follow during certain parts of your adventures. Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman are representatives for the Heroes, and Lex Luthor, The Joker and Circe are your Villains. Your first few missions vary depending on which mentor you choose, and along the course of your play through there will be some missions where you work directly with them in battle. Right now I am still in the process of working with Lex Luthor, and still building up to the more challenging missions.

I’ve always been wary of playing a Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Game. Partly in the sheer amount of time it demands of a gamer, and also because most of the ones that are popular don’t interest me in either genre or setting. When DCU:O was announced, I knew that I had to give it a go, as it is a universe that I enjoy experiencing in other media, be it movies, comics or TV shows. I understand that in the world of MMORPG’s 17 hours is an extremely short period of time to be a part of the show, especially when the game realm only launched earlier this month, but I do feel that I have a grasp on what this title has to offer. I am certainly hooked on the game dynamics, and the “just one more mission” addiction has definitely reared it’s ugly head from time to time. Will I continue to play after my initial 30 day membership expires? It’s hard to say. The idea of paying $50 for a game that is designed to never end has always been a point of contention of mine when dealing with this genre. As the MM in MMORPG states, the lure of the continued investment in the title will weigh heavily on whether or not friends of mine want to team up in the game and form a super hero squad of our own.

Now that I’ve spent all this time talking about the game, I have an urge to go play. See you in the sky.

– The Jolly Gamesman

~The Fine Print~
$50 CDN for game & 1 month play time

Anyways, enough about Tantrum McGee. I actually have a (much) bigger bone to pick! But let’s save that till the end and give you some sugar before the medicine…

THE BEST

Jason Aaron (Marvel Comics / Vertigo Comics)

Jason Aaron killed Alan Moore, ate his beard and gained all of his powers. But first he (for real) told him “go f*** yourself” (!) The point? Jason Aaron is the new Alan Moore. (’Cause of talent, not wicca.) From Punishermax (hilariously violent) and ‘Wolverine Goes To Hell’ (just plain violent) to Astonishing Spider-man & Wolverine (the best ‘two guys that hate each other forced to work together’ routine since 48 Hrs), everything he writes is gold. And he’s now stepped to the big dog in the yard and told him to self-fornicate. I’ve been a fan since The Other Side, and followed him through his Grindhouse-y take on Ghost Rider (machine gun nuns, a killer motorcycle stuntman with an eyeball for a head and Trull ‘the living steam shovel from the stars’? I’m in!). Funnily enough, even though I have the entire series to date, I have yet to read what everyone assures me is his best work of all, Scalped (Indian gangster s#!%. Feather, not dot.) I aim to fix that “pronto, Tonto.” (Yeah! Racist!) There’s a new ‘baddest beard on the block,’ chumps. Get on board or get run over.

Uncanny X-Force (Marvel Comics)

Wolverine and Archangel lead a secret, black-ops-style X-Men team to carry out dark missions, like killing a child before he grows up to be one of their worst enemies. Rick Remender’s writing moves at a clip, and Jerome Opéna assassinates the pages with just vicious artwork. So good it makes me forget the pure squalor that was Rob Liefeld’s X-Force. Suck it, Robbie. You too, Ian.

Superior (Icon Comics)

You know how everybody’s always wondering why they can’t make movies like they used to back when they were kids? Well, for me, that means they don’t make ‘em like Back II The Future. Or The Goonies. Or Monster Squad. Or…you get the picture. Well, it took a comic book to do what the movies can’t anymore. Superior is essentially Tom Hanks’ Big + Last Action Hero + Christopher Reeve’s Superman + Shazam. But you know what makes it have that…that something that movies used to have? It’s not the plot. It’s the lack of “political correctness.” In the 80s,  you could have kids in a movie toss around horrible words like “f@**ot” and “retard” and make fun of the obligatory fat kid. You know, like kids actually do. So what I’m telling all of you over-sensitive delicate flowers is “Chill out to the max, gaylords!” (80s Kid-Nuv’s words, not mine) Remember: swearing makes things better. Motherf@¢&ers.

Action Comics starring Lex Luthor and…Jimmy Olsen?! (DC Comics)

Lex Luthor pulls off a hostile takeover of Superman’s title, and Jimmy Olsen rides his coattails into the back-up feature. And guess what? They’re both sweet! Lex’s, yeah, but who’d have pegged punk-ass Jimmy to star in a readable, let alone radical, comic book?! Nick Spencer and R.B. Silva bring us a week in the life of Jimbo that shows what makes him cool enough to be called ‘Superman’s Best Friend,’ bowties and all. Luthor, meanwhile, is on a mission that will take him through all the nooks and crannies of the DC Universe, and has him face off with all the major supervillains therein. So it’s pretty much a Street Fighter II tournament with cats like Deathstroke, Gorilla Grodd and his ‘Combat Spoon’ (see above) and The Joker! The highlight so far was #894, featuring Sandman’s Death! And Neil Gaiman actually wrote her bits of dialogue! One of the best issues of the year, hands down. Pete Woods is cranking out solid art underneath cool David Finch covers, but the star here is writer Paul Cornell. Dark, action-packed, weird-as-s#!%, fun and funny, this series is knocking it out of the park and rounding all bases. Seriously, do yourself a favour. Ignore that chickenhead Ian, the only fool in existence that dislikes LL, and check this out. You won’t be sorry. But, as you’ll see, a lot of mofos in the DCU will be…

Short Stories (DC Comics / Marvel Comics)

Short (like Ian) and sweet (like me), the year had a lot of stories that did more with a handful of pages than most did with twelve issues worth. Here are my favourites…

• Joker and Lex • Dear Logan • Batgirl: The Lesson • Krypto vs Ace •

Batman Inc. (DC Comics)

Grant Morrison and Yanick Paquette spin a fantastic yarn about Batman being the coolest, globetrottin’, training Batmen for other countries, f’in’ hoes and kickin’ the dicks off Lord Death Man and the like. It’s a thrill-a-panel rollercoaster, it looks good, the dialogue is crisp, the cliffhangers rule…there is literally nothing bad to say about Batman Inc. It’s the perfect popcorn movie-style superhero comic.

“Batman & Robin Must Die!” (DC Comics)

Morrison wraps up his years-long Batman epic by giving us a pitch-perfect Joker, a new villain (worthy of standing beside the iconic ones) in Professor Pyg, Dick Grayson trying to fill the Bat-boots, the grand return of Bruce Wayne and Bruce’s illegitimate son as an asshole Robin that steals the show. A million threads come together smoothly to weave the most exciting battle Gotham City’s seen since the late 80s. The best superhero comic of 2010. But not the best comic of 2010…

Parker: The Outfit (IDW Publishing)

The second in Darwyn Cooke’s Parker series chronologically. And that’s the only time this book will ever see the number two again, outside of a rear-view mirror. The baddest man alive gets a facelift, deals with double-crossers in cold blood in front of chicks he’s banging, and pulls off the craziest series of heists and cons, all topped with a splash of ice cold revenge. The heists are laid out brilliantly, each in a completely different art style. (Map, magazine article, old UPA-style animation. Monopoly game, and so on.) The most ambitious breaks down the numbers racket by following the journey of a single dime through the con, from start to finish. Cooke already held an elite status among my favourite artists, but with this swaggering display, he threw down a gauntlet nobody had the balls to pick up last year. The Outfit sits alone on the top shelf, and the rest of 2010’s comics know that Parker wears the pants around here.

THE WORST

2010’s comic book movies/television series were indicative of the year-in-comics as a whole. They spanned the entire spectrum, from “F@¢& Yeah!” (The Walking Dead, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, Iron Man 2, Kick-Ass, Defendor, DCU Animated Movies, Misfits and, redeeming a 40+ year old property with pee-pees, Batman XXX!) to “Ehhh…” (The Losers, Red, Smallville Season 9) to “S#!% No!!” (Jonah Hex, Heroes, Ian’s Zombie-Cow Sex-Tape). On the print side, there were some really high points, some middle-of-the-road material and relatively few shitbombs. HOWEVER, those s#!%bombs were of the “I haven’t s#@% in three days because I was being used as a drug mule by a pack of homeless kingpins in between hobo orgies, known on the streets as ‘Soup Kitchens,’ and I can’t be held responsible for what I did to your toilet. That s#!% right there is gonna stink well into the next year. Sorry dude. Sincerely, Ian ‘A Whole New Meaning To My Last Name’ Explosivo” variety. And there was a pair of turds, linked by the involvement of a single asshole, that cast a large, brown cloud over my year in comics…

JMS on Superman (DC Comics)

Superman: Grounded and Superman: Earth One. These two s#!% stains on Superman’s cape make me want to cut the tattoo off my left arm, boost Batman from #2 to the spot of my favourite hero and put Supes out of his misery. For all the years he’s been my #1, the least I can do is pull the plug when this J. Michael Straczynski douche is slowly killing him. Grounded is pretentious, boring, and a complete waste of everyone’s time that’s involved. In addition to being wildly out-of-character and a dick, JMS’ Superman is also a f@¢&ing mega-tard. Example: he sets a drug dealer house on fire. While walking away from the blazing inferno that’s essentially hotboxing the neighbourhood with sherm smoke, without putting it out with any one of his myriad superpowers, he’s stopped by some little white kid who figures a scene from Backdraft is a good setting to offer him some candy. Supes is all like, “Naw. Instead, why don’t you go deliver a message for me to those dangerous and heavily armed drug dealers over there? Yeah. The ones that I just pissed off and left with nothing to lose. Huh? Yeah. I do mean those ones that are in earshot and that I could tell easily myself, that have no possible way of harming me. Still, I’d rather you do it. Don’t question me! I’m like a cross between Thoreau(?) and Jesus. I hereby dub thee the new Human Target! Thanks a bunch, weak white kid!”

Oh, but it doesn’t end there! Halfway through chronicling this irresponsible walk-about, JMS drops out! He leaves to go make a sequel to his Emo of Steel opus, Superman: Earth One! It’s Superman! But in a hoodie and sad! This cliche-riden drivel is not in the main title, so it’s easier to ignore, once you get past the need to piss in your own eyes for having looked at it. And get past the fact that it’s target audience, the bed-headed, bed-wetting Twilight generation, made it a commercial success. Grrrr.

Back to Grounded – JMS the quitter leaves the next writer in a universally-reviled hole (see also: Ian Explosivo) to dig his way out with a prick Superman only halfway through his promised journey, lecturing people about mundane s#!% that would be beneath loser-ass Aquaman’s notice. Yeah, yeah, social champion, back to his beginnings blahblah SHUT UP! I won’t waste too many more words on it. ’cause in the four terrible issues he managed to s#!% out, JMS used ‘em all up. AND he put them together in formations that ring false coming out of Superman’s mouth. Look at Superman: Secret Origin or All Star Superman. That’s who he is. That’s how you tell a story with him. Here’s hoping 2011 brings back that guy. But even with Supes’ powers, I wouldn’t hold my breath…

THE GREATEST

After all that bile and venom, I guess I should try and give this a tacked-on Speilberg ending. My 2010 actually ended with my favourite item of the year arriving at the eleventh hour. A collectible commemorating my all-time favourite childhood comic book. This is basically like someone did a B&E on my skull and sculpted a statue out of what they saw up in that piece. Behold!

Put one in the air…

– Nuv

NEXT ISSUE: THE BIG TWO TAKE A LOOK AHEAD TO 2011! TUNE IN TOMORROW, SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL!

By the way, the old article was about Marvel’s stupid necro-marketing and the ghoulish laziness of killing popular characters to sell books instead of just coming up with a good story. The latest round started with Captain America, made me super grumpy with Nightcrawler, and continues to chap my ass with an upcoming story arc in the main Fantastic Four book. And now EVEN WORSE, my beloved New Avengers #6. DUMB!

Okay, that’s the crabbiness out of the way. Let’s talk about awesome stuff that’s going on! It’s always kind of a big deal for me to pick up a new superhero book. I’m picky as all get-out when it comes to the meta books but this week’s new releases held a couple of beauties.

First off, Marvel’s Generation Hope #1 has all the stuff to be a great story. Salvador Espin is GETTING IT DONE on the pencils (especially when it comes to Rogue and Hope for some reason). And maybe it’s because I’m all stoked about Review 2 a Kill’s upcoming Michael May / Jason Copland original KILL ALL MONSTERS! but Espin draws one hell of a tentacle monster. Limey and all-round goodfellow Kieron Gillen tells a great story (as always) and if I wasn’t already such a fan since Phonogram, I’d be won over by his Marvel stuff for sure. The story is super fun! Remember when Wanda Maximoff, the Scarlet Witch, said “No more mutants.” and basically wiped out most of the superheroes back in 2005? Well five years later new mutants are starting to be born again and the fit is hitting the shan (that one’s for you, Rita Savino!) What could have easily become another lame-sack book for teens doesn’t look like it’s going to so I’ll be along for the ride for sure.

My second new pick should freak Poppa Nuv out because it’s the newest Superboy title! What the what? Ian doesn’t read any of the Superbooks. I HAD NO CHOICE DAMN IT! First off I was grabbed by the incredible cover by Rafael Albuquerque, scanned down to see the book is written by Canadian indie writer Jeff Lemire (Essex County, Sweet Tooth), and then opened the book to see a WHOLE LOTTA WHEAT NOSTALGIA a la Loeb/Sale’s Superman for All Seasons. Boom! Hooked! Is it an original story? Not after only one issue, but it’s set in Smallville so it’s not like things are going to progress much past the three main points: Being a spliced-DNA son of Superman and Lex Luthor is a head trip, there’s a scary monster in town and like I told Nuv, no matter how hot your cousin is that fruit is FORBIDDEN TO THE MAX. Amirite? My only complaint is that Jamie Grant’s colours and shading are still WAY TOO PHOTOSHOPPY and tend to take away from Pier Gallo’s strong pencil work. I didn’t like it on Frank Quitely’s Batman and Robin either but I just assumed it was my bias against Quitely’s revolting art in general. Whoops! There’s that negativity again! Anyway, Superboy is off to a good start and I’d definitely say it’s a good jumping-on point for anyone unfamiliar with the character.

And finally, this week’s most beloved comic is Marvel Mythos: X-Men.  I know I talked a little bit about this series last week, but I’ve been doing a bit of running around trying to find all six stand-alone issues and so far the best one BY A MILE is the X-Men title. The opening few pages (reprinted at the bottom) depict Erik Lehnsherr at his most BAD ASS. I love Magneto! He’s my all-time favourite supervillian and when he completely loses his patience he becomes the biggest, meanest dog in the neighborhood. And oh babies, the result is always the BEST THING IN COMICS. If you can’t find the complete set of Mythos back-issues, Marvel has released a very nice hardcover collection that’s definitely worth checking out.

OH FINALLY a special shout-out goes to Richmond, BC’s Imperial Hobbies for being the only shop in the lower mainland with a copy of Wonder Woman #28. Last weekend the incorrigible Venus Toshiba decided that she’d like to own the entire current WW run (53 issues so far) so off we went to ABC and Rx to find ‘em. The first 52 issues were a piece of cake but anyone who has ever tried to collect an entire set of singles knows there’s always going to be that one comic that you just can’t find. And it’s never #1. That comic you’ll always be able to get. It’s always a middle-of-the-run, nothing-special-about-it, why-the-f#@k-does-no-one-have-it!? pain in the rumpus. Well for us it was issue #28 and after a full week of searching the farthest reaches of the Greater Vancouver-verse I found it at a great little shop just over the bridge from our apartment. Isn’t that always the way? Good on ya Imperial! You’ve made a friend for life!

Yup YUP! That’s it!

– Ian

“Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.” 20 years later, the Goodfellas break their own rules and blab to GQ. Don’t live the rest of your life like a schnook. Go read it already, ya mooks!

Holy f@¢%in’ s#!%, Batman!! I’ll trade you these and this, and we’ll call it even, ‘kay?

Kid Cudi’s new video does acid, lights it’s guitar on fire and has a mold taken of it’s penis by Cynthia Plaster Caster. Free love, hippies! Right on, right on…

MOTHERFUCKIN’ CARTOON TREACHERY!!!

MOTHERFUCKIN’ JAPANESE CARTOON TREACHERY!!!

Up-standing citizens Emilio Rojas and Yelawolf play rap songs at a moderate, neighbour-friendly level. Smashing!

That red-pubed deviant Jimmy Olsen returns with his greatest, pardon me, weirdest hits!

“NEW SHIT!“ and “OLD SHIT!“ and “OH SHIT!” While (Mad) Skillz crashes the party ‘The Cypher,’ BET and a who’s who of veteran and rookie rappers say “FU, Muchmusic!” That’s right. “FU” right in the CanCon! You ain’t who you used to be, man…

“Goddammit, Bruce!”

Look at these crazy Dennis Culver drawings of almost every character from ‘The Wire.’ Freamon was right when he said “…all the pieces matter.”

Jack White’s Third Man Records take a page from Dr. Dre and take 457 years to finish Detox. (I kid, I kid. Don’t Dee Barnes me, Dre!) Ahem. Let’s start over. The Dre reference was in..umm..reference to his ‘Beats by Dre’ because Third Man Records made their own headphones: ‘Master Blaster by Nixon’! Awww. They have little baby records on them!!

What gets cockier as it dries? A straight up Dick Towel, yo!

Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin’ Ta F%@k Wit / Runaway Love – Remix (Feat. Raekwon, Kanye West & Justin Bieber…wait WHAT!?!?)

It’s not easy being two Kermits with a pretend homeless dude’s hands up your ass.

I could take and edit these amazing photos…but I don’t wanna…nor am I gonna.

What does it sound like when you mash 16 songs together? Surprisingly not super lame.

Since Jackass 3D is out now, how bout’ an interview with Johnny Knoxville… from 2005!

Ring ding dong… ring-a-ding ding ding dong. Your Halloween costume won’t be as good as this one, so don’t EVEN bother!

Hey HBO! Apple! WHY IS THIS ONLY AVAILABLE IN THE STATES RIGHT NOW?! To quote the man himself, “There is no ‘I’ in ‘team’ but there is a ‘U’ in ‘cunts,’ so don’t be little jealous cunts, OK?!”

NBA and Marvel togetha, now you know you in trouble. (Since you now have a taste for the NBA, here’s a preview for the upcoming season, complete with Steve Nash’s weird face.)

Double Barreled Violence. Tasty, tasty Double Barreled Violence! Mom approved for both the violent factor, and the nutritional factor. Thanks Mom!

A.T. the Bartender better watch out, cause Braylon Edwards is blogging - Wide Open, Balls Out.

In honor of the new parents, Nuv & Miss Teen USSR, I present to you: The Best (Worst) Parenting Fails Of All Time.

And finally, before you leave, look at the gallery below and riddle me this: how the shit does Ted Naifeh not have a full-time gig drawing Batman comics yet?!

EXHIBIT A

Nuv: …so before we get into our usual pattern of cutthroat bickering, I just want to say, all jokes aside, it’s been a blast working with you, and contrary to my many “Ian = A-Hole” diatribes, you’ve been a worthy partner.

Ian: …What’s the catch here?

Nuv: Nothing. I’m serious.

Ian: Get the fuck out of here. Is this one of your hare-brained schemes? Or are you dying, or born-again or some shit? A.A., making amends? Is this like that comic you told me about where notorious douchebag Guy Gardner got hit in the head and transformed from an asshole into a gentle dumb-ass for a handful of issues?

Nuv: No, man. I’m just trying to be real. You’re a great writer, and it’s been an honour and a privilege talking comics with you. You bring out the best in me, and for once, I’m not going to kick you in the face for it.

Ian: I’m not sold yet, but fuck it. Let’s give this a whirl. You go first.

Nuv: Ok. This week, we’ll be taking a look at the freshly completed Superman: Secret Origin. A six issue mini-series from this generation’s definitive Superman team, Geoff Johns and Gary Frank. First question: despite the talent involved, is yet another origin story even necessary? What do you think, chum?

Ian: …You’re kinda creepin’ me out. Anyways – not to be mean (in the spirit of our ‘truce’), but this has to be the most unnecessary Superman story ever told. I mean, let’s face it; everyone knows Superman’s basic history and there aren’t enough extra details in this version to make this anywhere near “Secret” or “worth paying money for.” Martha Kent stuffed a spaceship crystal into the intergalactic DVD player and saw how the people on Krypton dressed (read: veeeeery questionably), and based Clark’s Superman uniform on those designs. Clark Kent’s glasses protect his teenage smoochin’ partners from having their heads incinerated. Um, okay. This is all stuff that the average reader might not know about the Man of Steel, but as a whole it’s a little mundane.

And also, did anyone else notice that there was no coherent pacing throughout the series? Book One had Clark as a child in Smallville. A good start and pretty much what everyone was expecting. Then Two had him whisked off with some wack-ass superhero kids from the 30th Century. “Bad news!” says the green guy, “You kids maybe wrecked the space-time continuum!” Anyways, it doesn’t matter because Clark got a dog in a spaceship. Fast forward to Three where, in Metropolis, an adult Clark is getting rooked by a janitor for his sandwich. The real winner, however, is Lois’ short skirt. In Four Lex Luthor gets his mad on. Five features Thunderbolt Ross OOPS! I mean Lois’ father General Sam Lane getting HIS mad on. That’s TWO people mad at Superman in the same six-issue run. And the big pay-off of Six comes when a) Lois rocks those tight pants and b) Superman flies that guy who was bugging him up into space so that he passes out and stops fussin.’ Hey, it worked when Spider-Man did it to Hulk, so why not give it a go?

…Have you been staring at me the whole time? What the hell are you doing? And how have you not interrupted me with some cockamamie rant yet? I’m talkin’ shit about your boy, here!

Nuv: The answer to all of your questions – I’m listening! I’m not bothered by what you’re saying. Oh, I disagree, but you’re perfectly entitled to your (very valid) opinions. Also…

Ian: …the fuck?!

Nuv: Oh, sorry. Were you still talking? I didn’t mean to interrupt…

Ian: No. I was done. Go ahead.

Nuv: Thanks!! I see how you might think the pacing was off. To me, it read like a really in-depth flashback, so it was structured as such, zipping through his formative years, stopping for stuff we needed to know for this particular story. Also, while the eras it covered have been done before, we saw the moments in between the moments we’ve seen before. Each issue gave us an important facet in Clark’s development, as well as key relationships in his life. Book One was the discovery of his powers and heritage and, for us, how alone he feels. Two, in turn, shows Clark he’s really not alone, via The Legion and Krypto, as well as foreshadowing his future with actual peers, like the JLA. Three gave us the importance of his secret identity with his De Niro-level performance as a very Christopher Reeve-esque Clark Kent, as well as Lois, the rest of the Daily Planet, and Superman’s debut. Four introduces Supes to super-villainy. Five starts tying everything together and sets our hero against things he can’t just punch into defeat. Six ties all those loose plot threads into a nice bow, and shows us the moment Superman becomes the guy that everyone looks to for answers, showing us why he inspires everyone around him. Johns ties in every incarnation of Superman over 70 years into one, definitive version that is reminiscent of them all, and then looks at that Superman from a different camera angle. No surprise, I’m sure, but I loved Superman: Secret Origin. And really, even if I had found the writing lacking, Gary Frank’s art is untouchable!

Ian: The art is pretty friggin’ sweet. Frank really did a nice job and I definitely think this is one of the best looking books since Tim Sale drew Superman: For All Seasons back in 1998. There was a lot of fanboy “waaa-waaa” when this book started coming out a little bit late, but when you consider the quality of the art and the length of each Book (they were all double sized), it’s definitely forgivable. Oh, and the fact that Frank pays tribute by basing his Superman design on Christopher Reeve makes me love it even more. Here’s a “Secret Origin” about Ian Explosivo: I once lived a couple of blocks away from the St. Louis Hotel in Calgary where even Superman got shitfaced.

Nuv: Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Ian: What are you laughing at?

Nuv: Nothing. Heh. You’re just funny!! (Puts two thumbs up)

Ian: Uhhh…Ok, man. Whatever.

Nuv: Heh. (Wipes tears) Anyways, I guess another thing to keep in mind, is just because we know the Superman story inside and out, doesn’t mean there isn’t a whole new generation out there discovering him for the first time. And if I was looking to hand them their first Superman comic, THIS is what I would hand them.

Ian: I suppose. Maybe I’m the wrong guy to ask. I’m not really a “Superman guy.” I guess my main problem is the same as it always is with Superman. Lex Luthor is a cardboard, one-sided jerk-off character that Superman should just throw into the sun (when no one is looking, of course) and be done with him. How many times can you allow one man to put innocent people in danger as a means to the ultimate goal of killing YOU? It’s idiotic! I mean, Batman has the same problem with the Joker, but at least the Joker has other interests. He doesn’t just sit around planning world domination and trying to figure out how to kill Batman. Lex Luthor is, has always been, and will only ever be, a one-trick pony and it’s completely aggravating to read.

Nuv: Like your portions of this article?

Ian: What?!

Nuv: You didn’t really buy all that “respect” and “adoration” I threw your way did you? Oh, I was telling the truth when I said you “bring out the best in me.” How could you not? I’m like Mr. Universe standing next to a feces sculpture. You puny dirtbag. All you do is complain about the state of things, never using your ability to change the things you complain about. You just blame me. Or Marvel. Or ‘The Man.’ Remind you of anyone? Don’t you get it? YOU’RE my Lex Luthor. You’re a bald, jealous little prick that can’t fathom why everyone likes the handsome, infinitely superior specimen floating just above you. Your defining characteristic is how much you hate me. Do you get it? Your defining trait revolves around ME. Mine has nothing to do with you. Be your own man. Maybe one day you’ll get respect and adoration that’s real. This? This was just a ruse to see how long it would take to get you into this hamster wheel and watch you run in place for my own amusement. Congratu-fucking-lations. You actually lasted 624 words. In closing: Ian = A-Hole.

Ian: Oh that’s just IT! That…I mean…you… Gaw! I’m gonna! Arf! Arf! Grrr!

Nuv: …the fuck?!

Ian: Okay, buster! You want Lex Luthor? You want a NEMESIS?! You got him! Except not your chump ass Inspector Gadget / Dr. Claw-league schemer and ultimate failer. NO! I’m doing what I should have done a year ago! Rockin’ it like your Mom, quick and dirty!

Nuv: Wha- What the hell are you doing?!

[BANG! BLAM! GUNSHOT NOISES! POW!]

Nuv: Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Ian: Kneel before Ian, bitchface! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

From the notes of Detective S. Bradley: “Tape becomes garbled and unintelligible at this point. Audio technicians are working to decipher the few undamaged snippets…victim was found clutching the following pages, which appear to have been torn from the back of a copy of the August 25th-released DC comic book ‘Superman/Batman #75.’ The pages were all part of the back-up short stories, but out of sequence, and some pages were skipped. Perhaps the pages chosen hold some clue as to what actually caused this tragedy…”

EXHIBIT B

THE END?

NEXT ISSUE: IS THIS THE END OF THE BIG TWO? NUV, NO MORE?! IAN FLIES SOLO!!
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME IAN-CHANNEL…