X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Logan’s solo eXcursion gets just the middle claw. Whattapieceashit. All the elements were in place. The most popular X-man. His mysterious origins revealed. An awesome selection of characters coupled with inspired casting all the way down the list. Oh, well, eXcept for the inclusion of a fucking Black Eyed Pea. The anti-christ of artistic integrity, Will.i.am., should have given me a feeling and been my first red flag. Still, Liev Schrieber’s involvement as Sabretooth and the casting of Taylor Kitsch from one of my favourite under-the-radar shows (Friday Night Lights) as Gambit combined to assist me in turning a blind eye to this potential black eye. But then: NOPE!

Nonsensical plot elements and a plodding poorly paced script undermined the roster of talented actors with dull dialogue, stupid situations and less direction than a roomful of emo-kids. I won’t even get into the mess made of Deadpool in this film. Unlike the film, we’ll just concentrate on Logan. The movie puts a short leash on the Wolverine himself, keeping him from delivering on the promise of the kitchen scene in X2. (More on that scene later.) The resident bad-ass of the X-Men, Wolverine should be a dark, dangerous character. Killer by nature, man by choice. Barely able to contain his “berserker rage.” Itching to bury his claws in anyone retarded enough to piss him off. Instead, the homeless guy brought in to direct this shit-sliver delivered on the promise of X3, giving us a sucker-for-love-ass Logan, resulting in a meager body count and a bloodless bunch of action scenes that would have Ghandi calling Wolvie a pussy. Gah! If I have to think about this movie for much longer, I might go into a “berserker rage,” so let’s skip straight to the stupidest shit in a toiletful of dunce dumplings, the “plot twist”: An unnecessary double-cross that undermines the whole foundation for Logan and Sabretooth’s rivalry and removes the protagonist’s motivation for the sake of a twist that nobody wanted and doesn’t even make sense! Super! Anyway, all of these elements joined forces to accomplish a feat all of his villains put together couldn’t, leaving Logan dead in the water. Healing factor be damned.

Oh well. There’s still hope: the neXt Wolverine film is going to be helmed by Darren Aronofsky, and inspired by the awesome Frank Miller/Japan/Ninja tale that catapulted Wolverine to the forefront of the Marvel Universe all those years ago. Oh, eXcept it’s not. Aronofsky dropping out of the film isn’t the Will.i.am red flag of The Wolverine, is it? Is it? Ummm… guys? Hello?

X-Men: The Last Stand (aka X3)

A child (the studio) bangs it’s head (X-Men franchise) against the wall (Brett Ratner) until it gets what it wants (self-destruction). X3 was rushed out as a “Fine. Fuck you, Bryan. Go make Superman. We’ll just fuck up the franchise while you’re gone. We don’t care if you agreed to do this as soon as you’re done there. Not good enough! Do it when we say do it, dammit! Okay. You wanna play this way? Yep. Hey, James Marsden. So you’re in Singer’s Superman movie, eh? Well, we can’t do anything to him, so how about we kill your character in two seconds basically off-screen. Leader of the X-Men? Whatever. Key to the Dark Phoenix Saga we’re leading up to? Fuck that shit. We’ll just sacrifice everything that’s cool about Wolverine and plug him into your spot in the plot. Doesn’t make sense? Who gives a shit. That’s what you get, and this’ll show you, you jive motherfuckersssss!!! PS – Fuck Colossus!” This balls chopped, post-op entry in the EX-Men series is a Crying Game. I mean crying shame.

This movie was bloated, hideous and mildly retarded. Complete horsefuckery and utter bullshit. So basically, an evening at the ol’ EXplosivo Farm.

X-Men

From the very first frame (flipping rapid-fire through a multitude of classic comic book panels until the Marvel logo appeared, heralding the dawn of a new age in superhero films) X-Men was eXcellent! Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen were spot-on as Professor X and Magneto, but I knew that shit walking in. The big question mark was turned into an emphatic eXclamation point in an underground bar in snowy Canada, as Rogue (and the audience) were introduced to Wolverine during a cage fight. Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine was the fulcrum on which this film (and whole franchise) would rest and his adamantium shoulders were up to the task. You could nitpick that “Wolverine should be shorter/uglier/blahblah” whatever. Jackman brought ferocity, enigma and charisma to the role and showed us eXactly why Wolverine is everyone’s favourite X-Man. Which makes what Ratboy and Hobo Joe did to him in X3 and Wolverine all the more tragic. Not perfect, but a giant step in the right direction. That said, Halle Berry’s Storm almost derails it with a supposed-to-be badass one-liner that meant NOTHING. I actually don’t really like Storm. (Well, eXcept, for some weird reason, late 80s Punk Storm. Neither here nor there…) This shit solidified it.

X2

A while back me and that pisspool Ian discussed the 5 best and worst superhero films (at the time). X2 landed at #5 on my ‘Best’ list. (For the record, Wolverine was #4 on the ‘Worst.’) Here’s what I said about X2 back then: “With all the set-up out of the way, director Bryan Singer teleports us right into the thick of it. Action-packed and full of heart. Wolverine’s kitchen scene alone is worth the price of admission. And I hate kitchens!” Other highlights: Wolverine takes the kids on a “field trip”; the Iceman / Pyro dynamic; the inevitable choice Pyro must make (Xavier or Magneto) which is the heart of what X-Men is all about; everything to do with Nightcrawler, especially the opening scene. X2 is the cream of the crop and the head of the class. Or is it?

X-Men: First Class

Wow. I did not eXpect this. Now, I haven’t watched X2 all the way through in years, so it’s with a grain of salt and some hesitation that I put First Class in first place. BUT, being the freshest on my mind, with rights reserved to pull a switcheroo once I do rewatch X2, that’s where Matthew Vaughn’s swingin’ siXties superhero film sits for now. Goddamn! Let’s break it down…

New dudes! Havok, Cyclops‘ younger brother with a chip on his shoulder and one of my favourite second-tier X-men, makes his screen debut here. Maintaining continuity with the rest of the series makes the timeline a little wonky, but I was still thrilled to see him nonetheless. In fact, most of this first class of X-Men (hence, the title) were great. For god’s sakes, they make that screaming douche Banshee cool here, no joshin’ ye laddies! Oh, plus: TRAINING MONTAGE! Did you hear me?! A training montage! I love them shits! This one is filmed and edited to unfold via panel-like split-screens and comic book framing devices. Yeah to the maX!

The siXties setting comes off as authentic rather than heavy-handed, because they set up the world with music, mood and props and then just let the characters live in it, rather than beating you over the head with Austin Powers-ass shagadelics and shit. The period also gives an assist to the script itself, weaving the plot around the real-world Cuban Missile Crisis and adding a real weight and gravitas to the whole affair. Already experienced in the era is Mad Men’s January Jones, whose ice queen routine as Emma Frost is almost as perfect as the fit of her catsuits and lingerie. She looks like a slutty glass of milk. Mmmmmilk! Also basically eye-candy, (though minus the milkbags), are typhoon/tornado-creating Riptide and (never-referred-to-as) Nightcrawler’s dad, Azazel. Cool powers, no dialogue. That’s okay. Actions speak louder in their case. In Kevin Bacon’s, however, his words hit just as hard as his cool-ass powers. His scenery-chewing Sebastian Shaw doubles as the spot-on sinister leader of the Hellfire Club and the common evil that unites Xavier and Magneto.

Speaking of, McKellen and Stewart left mighty big shoes/wheelchairs to fill. I’m glad to say James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender pull it off with admirable gusto. You completely buy them as friends, making it all the more tragic knowing where they end up. We see the beginning of their infamous chess matches, how (and why) Magneto got his helmet, how Charles loses the use of his legs and, in the best scene in the movie, Xavier’s telepathy links them in a way that’s moving, both figuratively and literally. The always charismatic McAvoy may get less notice along with the less showy role, but that would be a crime. A walking, womanizing Charles Xavier with a full head of hair is convincing as more of a cool older brother than a stiff father figure, but still believable as a leader of men. The reason he’ll get less notice though, is understandable. Fassbender’s magnetic Magneto is mesmerizing, stomping with vengeful purpose through every frame towards his inevitable turn to the dark side and the fracturing of his friendship with Prof. X. And when that happens, a successful portrayal of Magneto has to leave you torn as to where your sympathies lie. Check, and mate. Michael is a motherfuckin’ revelation here. Between this, Inglorious Basterds and his riveting work in Hunger, Fassbender should be on the fast track to the A-list, and Ian should be in the corner of the theatre with magnifying glasses and tweezers jerking it to this amazing portrayal of his favourite comic book villain.

Oh, and I already named the best scene above, but my favourite scene? I can’t say much without ruining it. It’s a cameo, probably one you’ll eXpect if you think about it for a sec, but that plays out in a way you won’t eXpect and you will love. And there’s so much more. So many subtle touches, nods and easter eggs that all add up to a love letter to both Singer’s X-Men and the Lee/Kirby comics of the siXties that spawned the whole shebang.

So that’s it then. Vaughn races this one past X2 for a photo finish. X-Men: First Class is the best there is at what it does, etc.. Agree? Disagree? Tell me below in the comments section.

Bamf, I’m out!

– Nuv

Thor (May 6, 2011)

Captan America: The First Avenger (July 22, 2011)

Ooohh. Almost forgot this one, due to my brain blocking the traumatic memories of those twin logs of shit, X-Men 3 and Wolverine. I guess if we were shoe-horning this into the title of this post, it would’ve been “The Ring, The Hammer, The Shield & The Wheelchair?”

X-Men: First Class (June 3, 2011)

Bonus: Mo’ Motherfuckin’ Muties!
Here’s a fan-made Saul Bass-inspired credit sequence (by “The Internet’s Very Own Joe D.”) that is pretty much guaranteed to be better than whatever they actually use…

So, which one are you most looking forward to? Choose your weapon below in the Comments section…

– The Big Two

Ian: Whenever the question comes up about what you’d do with a time machine, people always say they’d go back in time and strangle Hitler or Nuv in their cribs. I’d probably go back and strangle Paul Norris and Mort Weisinger (as grown men) for creating a character as idiotic as Aquaman.

Nuv: Aquaman, you absolute shit-shard, swim the fuck away. You’re that chunk that just won’t flush. I don’t really care either way about Namor either, but at least he’s amusingly arrogant, so you can love-to-hate him Reggie Mantle-style. You? You have an orange shirt and you talk to fishies by shooting what looks like a slinky out of your head and ventriloquist-ing “doo-doo-doo” noises. Ian’s a walking vagina lip with a yellow stripe down his back and chicken feathers sticking out his back-pussy and HE don’t sweat you! You were responsible for Justice League Detroit, the worst era in the esteemed franchise’s history, where your impressive roster of a homeless gypsy, a whiny android, a grating breakdancer and a balding man, all came together to suck unbelievably under your command, and die. Not surprisingly, DC had to cancel their long-running flagship team book just to get the stink off. Way to go, goof!

I suppose I can’t say you’ve never entertained me. You’ve had your hands cut off (once each) and that was a fun read for me. You’re such a walking punchline that your biggest brush with fame, outside of a simplistic children’s cartoon from decades ago, came via an ongoing Entourage plot that chose you BECAUSE you’re the biggest joke in comics. Arthur, you’re a gag in every sense of the word.

Everyone wonders why the fuck you’re on the Justice League next to the greatest heroes alive. I finally figured it out. You’re that asshole that nobody wants around but has history, and one friend in the group, so you keep getting invited around. And just when we think we’re rid of you, you rear your stupid head. We’re stuck with you. Like Herpes.

So, believe me when I say this that I say it with every fucking ounce of my being and all the bordering-on-nazi-ish hate my heart can muster: Fuck you, completely and sincerely and with a dick dipped in sand, glue and glass. Fuck you. You walking fish-stick.

Why Dr. Doom Is Fucking Awesome!

Ian: Anyone who rocks a metal mask and whose resume includes the words “scientist” and “sorcerer” gets my vote for total bad-assery. Also, if you’re born with the name Victor von Doom, your rad fucking vocation is basically set from birth. If you’re born with a name like Nuv, you’d be lucky to wear a bright blue vest and welcome people to your store for minimum wage.

Nuv: A name like Ian Explosivo appears frequently on ‘Registered Sex Offender’ lists. You pretty much nailed it with everything but your feeble attempt at a diss, though. Everything about Doctor Doom rules like a muh’fuh, and with an iron fist! He defeated, then stole the power of, a thinly-veiled version of God for Chris’sakes! More importantly than all of the above reasons, though, is that he’s down with the Biz!

On my favourite villains list, Vic lands at number three. Number two is Lex Luthor. And number one is…

Speaking Of That Shit: Our Favorite Fucking Bad Guys!

Nuv: Joker. He’s the coolest, in every incarnation. He was an early pioneer for the Moustache Rights movement in the late 60s AND he has a sextape. (Chicken, egg.) He knows cool magic tricks! He gets a front row seat wherever the fuck he goes, pulls off the regal colour purple and wears sunglasses indoors. He’s ALWAYS in a good mood. He beats snot-nosed losers to death with crowbars in front of their moms. He’ll cripple your daughter, then strip and torture you via S&M midgets and photography. AND if you’re too pussy to kill him when he tells you to, he’ll break his own neck just to prove a point. AND he’ll win an Oscar AFTER that! AND he lent me his crowbar to deal with MY midget problem. Come here, Ian…

Ian: Fuck whoever Nuv picked! I didn’t even read the last paragraph! I don’t even care! There is no villain more gangsta than Erik Lehnsherr aka MAGNETO. And do you know what makes him the greatest?! The fact that he’s always TOTALLY CORRECT. Fuck homo sapiens! Homo superior FTW!

Nuv: Yeah. “FTW” indeed. Especially in this story of his team-up with Galactus…

Making Alpha Flight Fucking Cool!

Ian: Nothing will ever make Alpha Flight cool. Alpha Flight sucks. John Byrne should be convicted of treason in Canada for saddling us with such a wack group of “heroes” to call our own. They’re based out of Parliament Hill for Christ’s sake, fighting polar bears and frostbite. Raking leaves and putting up wood panel walls in their houses and shit. Using serviettes and trying not to spill their Habitant split-pea and ham soup on their chesterfields. Riding their snowmobiles to fight, oh, let’s say, businesses that stay open past 6pm.

Nuv: Ha! I was all set to try and defend them, but now I just want to read about them raking leaves and fucking up their furniture. Really, it’s more that I’ve always WANTED to like them, but help me out here guys! Being Canadian and Wolverine’s former team are not enough for you guys to coast on forever. Your roster is just laughable. A moustached midget in a leotard is something I already have to tolerate. (See: author of previous paragraph.) And Northstar? Fuck off! I have no problem with him being gay or a French-Canadian. No, MY problem is with somebody having the superpower to shine really bright when they hold hands with their twin. (No offense Matt & Jay Haddow.) Guardian/Vindicator are fine, but the rest of these two-bit hosers need to be replaced right-quick. Eh.

And Fuck You Guys Too!

Ian: You want me to put together a team of my least favourite heroes of all time? Man, this is the easiest question ever! It’s called the Justice League of America and it already exists. ZING! Seriously though, a team of my least favourite heroes would have to include Ant Man (or any of the miniature heroes), Cyclops, Deadpool, Hawk, Nuv, Power Girl, and Superboy. Oh, and any superhero drawn by Erik Larsen in the 90s. Or now. Or ever.

Nuv: Aww. I’m one of your heroes? That’s precious. My picks are: Aqualad, Jubilee, Banshee, Forge, Maggott (the name is off by a few letters), Northstar and Aurora, Marrow, (fuck, a lot of X-Men suck the bone!), Dr. Druid, Black Bat-Wolverine with AIDS Shadowhawk, any New Universe character, the emo couple hanging on your living room wall, The Wonder Twins – the one that could turn into water (whoop-de-shit!) specifically – and, bringing it full circle, Aquaman as leader to ensure their swift cancellation/death.
Gaylords: Assemble!

Fuck you, comics!

– The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: FIND OUT WHAT THE FF STANDS FOR NOW THAT THE FANTASTIC FOUR IS DOWN TO THREE.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…

By the way, the old article was about Marvel’s stupid necro-marketing and the ghoulish laziness of killing popular characters to sell books instead of just coming up with a good story. The latest round started with Captain America, made me super grumpy with Nightcrawler, and continues to chap my ass with an upcoming story arc in the main Fantastic Four book. And now EVEN WORSE, my beloved New Avengers #6. DUMB!

Okay, that’s the crabbiness out of the way. Let’s talk about awesome stuff that’s going on! It’s always kind of a big deal for me to pick up a new superhero book. I’m picky as all get-out when it comes to the meta books but this week’s new releases held a couple of beauties.

First off, Marvel’s Generation Hope #1 has all the stuff to be a great story. Salvador Espin is GETTING IT DONE on the pencils (especially when it comes to Rogue and Hope for some reason). And maybe it’s because I’m all stoked about Review 2 a Kill’s upcoming Michael May / Jason Copland original KILL ALL MONSTERS! but Espin draws one hell of a tentacle monster. Limey and all-round goodfellow Kieron Gillen tells a great story (as always) and if I wasn’t already such a fan since Phonogram, I’d be won over by his Marvel stuff for sure. The story is super fun! Remember when Wanda Maximoff, the Scarlet Witch, said “No more mutants.” and basically wiped out most of the superheroes back in 2005? Well five years later new mutants are starting to be born again and the fit is hitting the shan (that one’s for you, Rita Savino!) What could have easily become another lame-sack book for teens doesn’t look like it’s going to so I’ll be along for the ride for sure.

My second new pick should freak Poppa Nuv out because it’s the newest Superboy title! What the what? Ian doesn’t read any of the Superbooks. I HAD NO CHOICE DAMN IT! First off I was grabbed by the incredible cover by Rafael Albuquerque, scanned down to see the book is written by Canadian indie writer Jeff Lemire (Essex County, Sweet Tooth), and then opened the book to see a WHOLE LOTTA WHEAT NOSTALGIA a la Loeb/Sale’s Superman for All Seasons. Boom! Hooked! Is it an original story? Not after only one issue, but it’s set in Smallville so it’s not like things are going to progress much past the three main points: Being a spliced-DNA son of Superman and Lex Luthor is a head trip, there’s a scary monster in town and like I told Nuv, no matter how hot your cousin is that fruit is FORBIDDEN TO THE MAX. Amirite? My only complaint is that Jamie Grant’s colours and shading are still WAY TOO PHOTOSHOPPY and tend to take away from Pier Gallo’s strong pencil work. I didn’t like it on Frank Quitely’s Batman and Robin either but I just assumed it was my bias against Quitely’s revolting art in general. Whoops! There’s that negativity again! Anyway, Superboy is off to a good start and I’d definitely say it’s a good jumping-on point for anyone unfamiliar with the character.

And finally, this week’s most beloved comic is Marvel Mythos: X-Men.  I know I talked a little bit about this series last week, but I’ve been doing a bit of running around trying to find all six stand-alone issues and so far the best one BY A MILE is the X-Men title. The opening few pages (reprinted at the bottom) depict Erik Lehnsherr at his most BAD ASS. I love Magneto! He’s my all-time favourite supervillian and when he completely loses his patience he becomes the biggest, meanest dog in the neighborhood. And oh babies, the result is always the BEST THING IN COMICS. If you can’t find the complete set of Mythos back-issues, Marvel has released a very nice hardcover collection that’s definitely worth checking out.

OH FINALLY a special shout-out goes to Richmond, BC’s Imperial Hobbies for being the only shop in the lower mainland with a copy of Wonder Woman #28. Last weekend the incorrigible Venus Toshiba decided that she’d like to own the entire current WW run (53 issues so far) so off we went to ABC and Rx to find ‘em. The first 52 issues were a piece of cake but anyone who has ever tried to collect an entire set of singles knows there’s always going to be that one comic that you just can’t find. And it’s never #1. That comic you’ll always be able to get. It’s always a middle-of-the-run, nothing-special-about-it, why-the-f#@k-does-no-one-have-it!? pain in the rumpus. Well for us it was issue #28 and after a full week of searching the farthest reaches of the Greater Vancouver-verse I found it at a great little shop just over the bridge from our apartment. Isn’t that always the way? Good on ya Imperial! You’ve made a friend for life!

Yup YUP! That’s it!

– Ian

1. Who is your favourite superhero?

Ian: Daredevil, hands down. The costume, power and sense of community. And the guilt! Maybe it’s the Catholicism, but nobody except for Batman, I would argue, has a rougher time with it. None of Matt Murdock’s girls have survived, with the exception of Elektra (who came back from the dead) and Milla (currently in a mental institution).
Nuv: Superman. Who do you think taught me to wear my undies on the outside?

2. Favourite supervillain?

Ian: Magneto. It seems like such a minor power – control over metal. But what he does with that power is absolutely devastating. And the fact that he’s such a morally ambiguous character really appeals to me. Sometimes he’s a monster, but sometimes he has a real point. He’s sort of the Malcolm X to Xavier’s Martin Luther King, as far as mutant civil rights go. I would challenge anyone to find a super villain who so fully utilizes his powers.
Nuv: Joker. That motherfucker’s crazy!

3. Favourite superhero costume?

Ian: Lady Blackhawk’s. The hat, jacket and skirt = sweet!
Nuv: Batman. If you can tell who it is in silhouette, it’s a great design. Like how Ian’s head looks like a peen, even in blackest night.

4. If you could kill one character off for good, who and why?

Ian: I’d kill off Lex Luthor. I’ve never been a Superman-reader and I think the main reason is I’ve always felt Superman lets his rogue’s gallery get away with too much. Lex Luthor should have been thrown into the sun, or frozen and shattered like glass a thousand times over.
Nuv: Aquaman. He’s fucking useless. His superpower is talking to fish. So, I guess my niece is Justice League material too then, eh? Oh. I forgot to mention: he rides a giant retard seahorse into battle. Menacing.

5. What was your favourite comic book from your youth?

Ian: Amazing Spider-Man #328 where Spidey, juiced on cosmic powers, punches the Hulk into outer space. That issue was so goddamned stupid that I still own it.
Nuv: Good choice. Mine also lisps and dresses well: Action Comics #317. ‘The Rainbow Faces of Superman.’ Just look at the cover. Je. Sus. The grade 3 me had to know what could cause this debacle. Why was our hero embarrassed about having a threesome? What could make the Man of Steel envious? Motherfucker could fly and kill dudes with his eyes! My sack of a friend Jeff beat me to the punch and bought it first. I didn’t find out what was behind this one-man pride parade until credit cards and ebay came into my life. Cause I’m a grown up, mofos.

6. Name a comic run you wish you owned but don’t.

Ian: New Avengers. I knew I should have got in on the ground level of that!
Nuv: Action Comics: The kick-ass grandpa to everything we both love about comics. 884 issues and counting…

7. What do you think is the best series running right now?

Ian: Brian Wood’s Northlanders.
Nuv: Superman: Secret Origin.

8. Name a series that you can’t stand, but that everyone else seems to love.

Ian: Frank Miller’s back-in-the-day Daredevil run.
Nuv: Hellboy. Amazing art and a great character do battle with fucking dull stories. I guess that makes the movies very faithful adaptations.

9. Art-wise, what would you get commissioned, and by who?

Ian: My dream is to have Darwyn Cooke draw Joe Strummer from The Clash.
Nuv: Jim Lee drawing me. Because I’m vain. A close second would be a tight, claustrophobic shot of Superman fighting his way out of a mob of all of his enemies, as depicted by Joe Madureira.

10. If you could choose 3 superpowers, what and why?

Ian: #1 Invisibility! There’s nothing you couldn’t accomplish if you had the ability to be invisible.  #2 Mind Control (for super obvious reasons) and #3 some crazy-harsh martial art just in case things went south.
Nuv: Funny – I wish you were invisible too. #1 Healing factor. It’s a more bad-ass, gritty version of invulnerability. Either way, you survive anything. For #2 most people would choose flight. I’d choose teleportation and cut the travel time all-together. #3 Batman’s superpower – the ability to win, no matter what.

11. Do you ever see yourself quitting comics?

Ian: No.
Nuv: Nope. Not even if Mom sells my collection again.

Put two in the air…

– The BIg Two

[Ed.Note - Do you have any questions for our dastardly duo? Leave 'em in the Comments.]

NEXT ISSUE:  TIME TRAVEL! TREACHERY! TEEN WOLF! (JUST KIDDING) ONLY 9 WILL SURVIVE!! (UH..ACTUALLY IT’S 18. ‘CAUSE THERE’S 2 OF YOU) …SHUT UP.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV CHANNEL…