Nuv: I commissioned Romita Jr. to do ten prints of you getting kill-fucked by the shit-monster from Weird Science (aka Bill Paxton) your mom (aka Bill Paxton). They’re being hung up on your wall high enough so you can’t reach them (6″ off the ground) as we speak.

Ian: Ian intro (done) Nuv wasting time and air (yep) and: Let’s do this!

Arthur “Art” Adams – Scarlet Witch

Ian: With an ever-changing sense of design, Art Adams has been an innovator in the comics industry since the mid-eighties. While a lot of his contemporaries (Rob Liefeld, Erik Larsen, etc.) fell into the trap of sticking to the ridiculously outdated look of the 1990’s, Adams paid tribute to pin-up artists of the past while pioneering his own style and producing some of the most beautiful cover work in comics today. Case in point, Wanda’s extraordinary rack from the cover of Avengers: The Children’s Crusade No. 3. Yowza!

Stanley “Artgerm” Lau – Mina Harker

Ian: According to Artgerm’s deviantArt, he did this sketch of Mina Harker (from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) at five in the morning in 45 minutes. If that doesn’t blow your mind, nothing will. Also, Mina Harker is my second-favourite character in Alan Moore’s best work (coming in just behind Captain Nemo). What do you got to say about that, Nuv “Pubegerm” Takhar?

Nuv: Nothing much. I won’t mention that a LOT of characters cum in just behind you. No need. My next choice will piss you off on enough levels all by itself…

Frank Quitely – Alan Moore

Nuv: The weird Wiccan writer responsible for arguably the greatest works in the medium, (Watchmen, The Killing Joke, his beard) as depicted by one of the most consistently original, amazing and innovative artists in the medium. From his unique figures to his detailed structures to the interesting framing and masterful pacing of his panel-to-panel storytelling, Frank Quitely is quite frankly 14,000 times the man Ian will ever be. And that’s just in height!

Chris Samnee – Daredevil

Ian: I love Chris Samnee and I love Daredevil and I hate Nuv, and therefore I love this picture. BOOM! DESCRIPTION DONE! In all seriousness though, no one working in the industry can touch what Chris Samnee can do with two-tone, two-dimensional images. Everything he draws is visually unique and this piece (a commission, I think) is no exception.

Cliff Chiang – Felicia Book

Ian: Cliff Chiang’s variant cover for American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest No. 1 is the kind of thing that gets fanboys in a lot of trouble. Generally I steer clear of variants, but this is the kind of image that’ll send a man trolling eBay like he’s Nuv in a tranny shop, and spending more money than he should. And it doesn’t help that vampire hunter Felicia Book is possibly the best character in the whole series.

Cliff Chiang – The DC Runaways

Nuv: “Hello Daddy, Hello Mom!” Cliff reimagines some of DC’s super heroines as the teen-rebel girl group, The Runaways. Also rad? He gets to draw one of them (Wonder Woman) monthly in her ongoing series. It’s less 70s, but no less bad-ass. Cherry!

Rafael Albuquerque – American Vampire 1955

Nuv: The first Rafael on this list, but not the last! Albuquerque’s been a BEAST on AV from day one, but my love of the 1950s made these two covers grab a stake and carve a special place in my heart. Stay gold, Rafael, stay gold.

Darwyn Cooke – Sue Storm

Ian: It probably took Darwyn Cooke less than five minutes to complete this convention sketch, but if he had one, I’d probably give Nuv’s left nut to own it. So that’s how THAT goes.

Francis Manapul – Wonder Woman

Ian: I already wish Manapul was on a book that I cared about and this image just makes it all the worse. As much as I love his art on The Flash, I care about the character about as much as I care about Nuv (not at all) and I’d much rather see him working on something else. For example, how does a guy draw a Wonder Woman pin-up THIS AMAZING and not get handed that book outright?

Nuv: Uhh, ’cause Cliff Chiang’s already killing it on that book. And ’cause Flash is consistently amazing with Manapul at the helm. I think the real question is: how do some people look directly at you without puking outright?!

Ian: Spoken like a true dickhead, Nuv. Touché.

Dustin Harbin – Tyrannosaurus Bats!

Nuv: I purchased Harbin’s “Behold! The Dinosaurs!” for my daughter’s bedroom, and this is the first print that’s gonna go up on my next kid’s wall. Harbin’s art gives me the same feeling I used to get reading Calvin & Hobbes. Spiff!

Andrew Hou – Wolverine

Nuv: Shee-it, we got mo’ dinosaurs than a MU’FUCKER ’round here, pa’tner! This shit is crack to anyone who used to be a 5 year old boy. And choosing to just show the before and after, leaving the actual battle to the imagination? Well played, Andrew!

Henrik Sahlstrom – Lobster Johnson

Ian: Who in the hell is Henrik Sahlstrom? I don’t know either but I hope he makes the CEO’s from Marvel, DC, Dark Horse and Image fist-fight each other to secure his services.

JC Richard – Fortress of Solitude

Nuv: A classy widescreen presentation of Superman’s home in the North Pole, with a barely perceptible red, blue and yellow streak flying off in the upper right corner. Fool them adult motherfuckers with this tasteful, minimalist painting, a grown-up way to display your childish tastes.

Ian: Your mom’s a widescreen presentation.

Jock – Hanna Promo Posters

Ian: I’ve never been very impressed with Jock as an interior artist, but his covers are consistently amazing and so, it would seem, is his corporate ad-work. I loved the movie Hanna, and when I saw that Jock had done a series of Hanna-inspired promo posters, well, like I wish Nuv would do next time he’s near a window, I flipped right out. Great stuff!

Nuv: Nobody’s ever been very impressed with Ian’s jock.

Dan McDaid – Michael Jackson

Nuv: The funk of forty thousand years, bitches! I did a fuckin’ high kick just like Michael when I first laid eyes on this pop masterpiece. (Too bad Ian wasn’t standing in for the other lead in this piece.) McDaid is the correct answer to the question “Who’s Bad?!”

Eric Canete – Luke Cage

Nuv: Sweet Christmas! Ian lost a bet and had to be nice to me for a week. It happened to be a week where he would be attending a comic convention that the inimitable Eric Canete was also attending. BOOM: signed print of Luke Cage fighting three tigers like a BOSS. Paid for by Ian. Enjoyed by Nuv.

Phil Noto – Jean Grey

Ian: Phil Noto is a modern great. Every comic book cover (and interior) he does is extraordinary and I’d honestly buy just about anything he put pencil to. He also maintains two awesome Tumblr pages (1 and 2) where he regularly posts new images that will inspire you to either a) become a better artist or b) quit drawing forever. Why? Because Phil Noto is the king.

Phil Noto – Super(Mad)Man

Nuv: Noto does indeed wield his pencil with an iron fist. I’ve always dug this pic, portraying Mad Men’s Jon Hamm as a commanding, stern-but-just Man of Steel. Anyone who’s heard this dream casting call (including Noto, apparently) agrees that it’s a perfect fit. Like Ian’s mouth and peens.

Ian: And like Nuv’s neck and a noose.

Sam Wolfe Connelly – Nightcrawler

Ian: Sam Wolfe Connelly has a style that will immediately remind you of James Jean and Joao Ruas. You guys, I’m talking about gorgeous graphite and digital colour works! He also has a habit of using Marvel characters as his subjects, which pretty much makes him a genius. Love this Nightcrawler? I knew you would! For more examples, check out his Captain America and Wolverine pieces! Holy smokes!

Rafael Grampa – Batman

Ian: Rafael #2! His last name is fuckin’ GRAMPA! And like most Grampas everything he does is tougher than anything you’ll EVER do. Now get off his damn lawn! Damn kids.

Kagan McLeod – The History of Hip Hop

Nuv: Kagan not only put together the tome of amazingness that is infinite Kung Fu, he not only illustrated a flyer for the Toronto Ghostface Killer show last year that belongs in a fucking museum, he not only seduced your woman with his pen and slapped your little brother with his deadly art hand, he also constructed THE GREATEST POSTER OF ALL TIME! The History of Hip Hop is exactly that: edutainment in the form of the headshots of 469 (!!!) rap icons on one side, facts and recommended listening for every one of ‘em on the reverse, and supreme quality to match the sheer quantity. It ACTUALLY might be bigger than Hip Hop, word to Dead Prez! Kagan was nice enough to sell me a few (so I could frame both sides) AND he even threw in a few extra for YOU crumbs, just ’cause he’s Nicer than Pete! You want one? Here’s how…

All you gotta do is comment below with your own hip hop history. Tell us who the first rapper you remember hearing was, and the one song of theirs you recommend. The first three mofos to do so, WIN THE POSTER FREE OF CHARGE*. Ready, set, SKIP IAN’S PARAGRAPH!
*shipping not included

Ian: Well that’s it for now! But don’t worry folks, my folder of awesome comic book art is huge and my predilection for not writing real articles in a timely manner will ensure that we’ll have plenty more art shows as the year goes on. Think of it as the Review 2 a Kill equivalent of a sitcom clip-show. Except, you know, not sucky to the max.

Put two in the air!

– Ian

1a. A four-footed mammal as distinguished from a human being
1b. An animal under human control
2. A contemptible person
3. Something formidably difficult to control or deal with

The football world brews beasts. Monsters among men. Physical freaks that do things mere men aren’t supposed to be able to do. In a time when these men are getting bigger-faster-stronger, they are also getting… Better. And younger. In this entry, I give you the baddest of the bad men in only their first two seasons in the NFL. In other words, be prepared to see many more years of young bucks in BEEEEEAST MOOOOOODE!

Cam Newton, QB
Carolina Panthers

As the first beast in the first game of his first season, he threw for over 400 yards. Then proceeded to tie the record for rushing touchdowns by a QB in a game, and break the record for rushing touchdowns by a QB in a season in the same game… IN HIS FIRST F#CKING YEAR!!! Sh*t, if he had Tebow’s defense, he’d have his games won by the last 2 minutes of the 3rd instead of the 4th. Oh, and by the way, he represents God too….. But Superman a little more.

Jimmy Graham, TE
New Orleans Saints

First there was Tony Gonzalez, a power forward for the vaulted Cal basketball program. Then there was Antonio Gates with the same credentials. Now there’s Jimmy. Jimmy likes basketball. Jimmy is also too much of a “tweener” for the NBA. Here Jimmy, go up and catch this football. Ooooh, Jimmy gooood. As much as the league went crazy for the other two in their second seasons, his numbers are even better. And he still has a few games left. He’s also the reason stadiums have guys ready to straighten out the field goal uprights after his vicious touchdown dunks. And with Drew Brees chuckin’ to him for a while more? “Jam, jam, here comes the man, Goddamn.” (R.I.P. Heavy D.)

Jason Pierre-Paul, DE
New York Giants

He didn’t even like football until his senior year in high school. Now in just his fifth year of playing the game, he’s possibly the best defensive lineman on the best defensive line in the league. And (prepare for bold statement…) the best pure athlete in the league of the best pure athletes in the world. Yeah, I said it (feel free to leave your wrong opinions below.) Eight tackles, two sacks, one forced fumble, and the game winning field goal block (in the mighty Cowboys Stadium) in week 14 to give his team the division lead – at age 22?!? Jerry Jones must’ve felt he got slapped in the press box from the field. Then again, with this kids hops… it coulda happened.

Rob Gronkowsi, TE
New England Patriots

“He’s too fast for linebackers, and too big for defensive backs!” is the cliche that is far too often exclaimed by sportscasters. With this guy, let’s try “too strong for uhhh!, and too good for yeeaaah!” This guy’s such a beast that you can actually see cornerbacks making executive decisions during a play to not tackle him, choosing to be on a highlight reel instead of injured reserve. He’s also fixing the “Golden Boy’s” f*ck ups by goin’ up and gettin’ balls a prehistoric whiteboy isn’t supposed to get. Mmmm, Gronk love ball! Gronk love smash!! Gronk love TE touchdown record!!! Ooooh, Gronk like Brady wife…..

Grrrrrr, A.T. say… BALLS OUT!

Batgirl #3

Ian: Well Babs has been back on her feet for a few months now and I gotta say this comic is getting better all the time. We still don’t know how she got out of her wheelchair but at least the teasers they’ve been dropping aren’t annoying. Who am I to tell Gail Simone what time it is? Her story itself is a good mix of superhero action and personal relationships, so I can definitely see why the character appeals to a wider audience than some of the other bat-books. Ardian Syaf and Vincente Cifuentes have been doing a great job of handling some pretty tricky action sequences and I really think Syaf’s pencil work gets stronger with every issue. What’s really appealing for me though are the colours. Ulises Arreola makes great use of (and really pulls off) his purples and pinks and that’s not something you see in other DC titles. All-in-all, this is definitely a book worth picking up. Oh, and did I mention Adam Hughes is absolutely KILLING IT on the covers?

Huntress #2

Ian: There have been some seriously questionable mini-series (and television shows) to come out of the Birds of Prey camp since their inception. This year’s six-issue Huntress series, thankfully, is one of the good ones. I’ve really gotta hand it to Paul Levitz on this book. His Helena-in-Italy story is a lot of fun and even though it’s dealing with a serious issue (human trafficking) the book itself isn’t miserable or preachy. The real reason to pick this book up, though, is Marcus To’s art. He’s a talented character artist and he’s great at facial expressions. He tends to choose clever angles to tell a great visual story, and his backgrounds are fully realized. John Dell’s inks are a great mix of big bold blacks for the dark scenes and minimalist, super-tight line work for the daytime scenes and Andrew Dalhouse’s colours are near-perfect. I honestly think that with a team like this DC could put out an ongoing Huntress book and find a decent readership. Think about it!

Nuv: BAM! Surprise article-invasion, WHAT?!

Birds of Prey #3

Nuv: Man, the title of this post is totally misleading! I thought I was finally going to get to see Venus slap the shit out of you. Anyway, who’da thunk that Simone, Barbara “Batgirl” Gordon and Huntress all flying the coop would result in Birds of Prey KICKING ASS?! I’d never been a fan of this title until now. Duane Swierczynski is absolutely killing it on the writing tip. It’s thanks to him the absence of the character most associated with the franchise (Barbara) doesn’t even matter! Duane made the newest Bird the flyest! A tattooed, tough-as-nails, smart-as-a-whip chick named Starling steals every scene she’s in.

Oh, and HOLY SHIT is artist Jesus Saiz living up to his first name! Lesser illustrators should pray to his pages. A beautiful, fun, adrenaline-filled ride, Birds of Prey accomplishes exactly what every bra-burning blog claims comics don’t do, and provides us with a rock-solid title starring strong female leads. Dowhutchyalike. Me? I’ll be picking up these lovely ladies every fourth Wednesday, ‘kay?

Ian: I took a reader poll, and nobody cares what you think.

Nuv: Word on the street is you’ve taken MANY poles.

Justice League #3

Ian: This week saw the triumphant return of Wonder Woman to the Justice League. Well, I guess it’s not so much of a “return” as it is “addition” seeing as though they’re still putting the team together “for the first time”. I know people have been more wary / critical of this book than any other title in the DC New 52 (and with good reason) but as a reader with almost no history with the JL, I’ve been having a really good time so far. And this issue, as far as I’m concerned, is the best one yet because of Wonder Woman. She’s cute and naïve and brave and violent and while she skirts the edge of bimbo-ism, I don’t think that’s the direction Geoff Johns is going to go with the character. This issue has great big fight scenes and Diana leads the charge. Good times!

Nuv: I concur. Justice League rules. It reads like a perfect blueprint for a JL movie. So, I guess if you don’t want a year-round summer blockbuster starring all of the A-List characters DC has to offer, forged by two A-List creators at the top of their game, then this title isn’t for you. ‘Cause fuck fun, you know?

Supergirl #3

Ian: Kara Zor-El (aka Supergirl!) has been having a pretty crappy time since she landed on Earth. She got the goofiest set of boots in the entire relaunch, her cousin keeps telling her what to do, and now some jackass named Simon Tycho is working on becoming her own personal Lex Luthor. On the upside, Michael Green and Mike Johnson are writing a GREAT story that has just the right amount of story and exposition without being a boring chore to read (see: Perez’s Superman). Also, I can’t believe that Mahmud A. Asrar has been able to keep up the quality of work he has. We’ve praised this book over and over in this column, and we’ll probably continue praising it because it’s hands-down one of the best books being published by ANY comic book publisher right now.

Wonder Woman #3

Ian: The history of the Greek gods has always been like an episode of Maury, and Azzarello’s run on Wonder Woman has been no different. Didja hear what happened?! As it turns out Diana wasn’t made from clay at all! (Crowd: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HELL naw!) Instead it turns out she’s the illegitimate product of Queen Hippolyta knockin’ the boots with Zeus himself! (crowd: Booooooooooo! Whore! Censor BEEEEP!) Now add the fact that the Amazons got duped into fighting and killing each other in the last issue, well, let’s just say that Paradise Island is a bit of a misnomer these days. Cliff Chiang is doing a great job of drawing all this crazy biz, and it’s gonna be a sad state of affairs when he leaves after issue four. But you know what? I bet the book is still gonna rock nuts when Tony Akins begins his run next year. Hooray!

Nuv: As you can see, DC actually has no shortage of female-driven titles. Sure, they’re of varying quality, but that’s true of the books starring dudes too. So, where do the rest of them stand? Well, Voodoo (the killer alien stripper!) is nice to look at, thanks to Sami Basri. The much-reviled Catwoman’s actually getting better by the issue. Batwoman’s been the cream of the crop from jump. I don’t count Hawk & Dove, because Liefeld characters do not remotely resemble humans, never mind gender. Which leaves…

Suicide Squad #3

Nuv: I actually dropped this shitpiece after the first issue, but I heard about this scene and thought I should point it out. Basically, Harley Quinn (Joker’s bitch) gets boned by Deadshot. And compares her vajeej to a clown car. Check the sleaze:

Because, you know, so many things go in and out of clown cars. Loose, not just in morals, apparently. Basically, one way to look at it is that DC seems to be trying to negate all of the strides they’re making with female portrayals in their other titles. Maybe we’re just not looking at the big picture though. Part of the mandate was to diversify, and the way I see it, sluts need heroes (and villains) to call their own too, right? Presto! Between this and Red Hood’s brain dead portrayal of Starfire, mission accomplished! One of each! Jeez! Don’t be so prejudice guys! Doughboy said it best back in Boyz N The Hood: “hoes gotta eat too!”

Ian: And, perfect segue for Nuv to go have dinner! That’s it for now! I’m sure we’ll be revisiting this topic in upcoming articles because, like I said, there’s a boatload of great creators working on great super-heroine titles right now. Sure there can always be more and I’m sure the popularity of these titles will make that happen, but in the meantime there really are a pile of books worth checking out, so go check ‘em out already!

Until next week! Put two in the air…

– The Big Two

So Live Nation sez to me “Hey Nuv. Guess who’s coming to town.” And I’m like “Who?” And they’re like “Prince.” And I’m like “Uhhhh…” for like three hours until my throat fell out. They patiently waited while I disposed of the leftovers of my new throat in a bathtub of ice and even assisted while I performed self-surgery so I could finish my thought: “…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (And THAT, in case you didn’t know, is what it looks like when you type what it sounds like when doves cry.)

I’m typing this in fingerless gloves fashioned from a golden brassiere right now just to get the word out to you melonfarmers (TV edit for m*****f******. Prince don’t swear no mo’. Respect royalty, motherfathers!) so’s ya don’t miss out on a for real, 100% legit, bona fide once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a living legend of live performance Hendrix the holy h*** outta some guitars, falsetto the f*** outta some mics and purple the s*** outta some rain! When MJ died I decided: any acts that are MUST-SEE can’t be left to see “next time.” There might not be one. Conclusion? When opportunity knocks let that b**** in and party like it’s… well, you know.

PS, Live Nation: When you told me my favourite artist of all time was coming to town? What I meant to say was “HOLY F***** S***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Don’t Throw Rocks…
Jay-Z and Kanye West: Watch The Throne Tour
Rogers Arena • Sat Dec 17 & Sun Dec 18 • Buy Tix Online Here

Don’t sit alone at home watchin’ your bone. Accept Live Nation’s cordial invitation to come to Rogers Arena Dec 17 and Watch The Throne go hard as motherfucker! All the cool kids are doin’ it!

In About Two Weeks A Teacher Will Begin To Speak…
KRS-One @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 15
Tix available @ Beat Street, Highlife, Dipt, Zulu, Red Cat & Online Here

The Blastmaster brings the boom bap to Fortune Sound Club. If you attend this show (Nov 15) you will physically transform into hip hop! It might manifest in the form of dreads, or it might make you slap a fat dude in a moo moo off stage and take his mic. Either or…

“But, but, but, but wait it gets worse!!”
Onyx @ Fortune Sound Club – Tue Nov 22
Tix @ Underworld, Dipt, Zulu & Online Here

HoldDaFucUp!! Not ONLY did these motherfuckers have a track called Blac Vagina Finda. Not ONLY did they pen Slam, one of the all-time great hip hop anthems. Not ONLY did they make calling someone Sticky Fingaz a compliment rather than something your mom busted you with once in Grade 9. They ALSO up and made my day when they announced they’d unleash that unholy, inimitable rasp on the greatest speakers of forever-ness at Fortune! If you come to the show, they’ll make yours too. Dun-duh-nuh! Dun-duh-nuh!

‘The Avengers’ Assemble

All of Marvel’s big guns come together and compete with the Dark Knight himself for the right to cinematically bukake next summer. Downey Jr. has the line of the trailer on two separate occasions! Here’s a sneak peek pervs:

‘Chronicle’

Friday Night Lights‘ last QB stars in this “found footage” style film about some punk-ass teens getting kick-ass superpowers. Shades of Akira (which is never a bad thing) but the presentation makes it all feel unique.

The 2011 BET Cyphers

I’m not huge on awards shows, but BET’s changing that with their Cyphers. All the good things about rap in one place. The first vid is the best. Yelawolf is siiiiick and Royce kills it too (”Hi Rihanna”), but the Cypher is unsurprisingly owned by the head honcho of Shady Records. Eminem already murdered the alphabet. Last year he pissed on it’s grave. Now he’s just desecrating it’s corpse. Absolutely bananas! (Make sure you watch to the end for him.) The second one is solid as well, with top-notch showings from Big K.R.I.T., Machine Gun Kelly, Kendrick Lamar and B.o.B. in beast mode. (Oh yeah: old ass Tech Nine is there too.) And the last verse on the third video (courtesy of Skillz) is nutso mango! “Y’all never came in like Jay-Z’s moustache”?! SHITDAMN!!

Shady 2.0

Indie Meets Mainstream

Skillz

Community: Remedial Chaos Theory

Anybody that’s not on board with Community yet, you’re missing one of the most consistently hilarious and creative shows on television. Don’t be a jerk to yourself. It’s a weekly dose of smart comedy, packed to the brim with pop culture references, homages to great movies, meta-commentary on the characters, (like talking about Shirley being the least popular of them in episode, a way to acknowledge and comment on the fact that she’s also the least popular character in real life among fans) and all-around mega-awesome-ness. Oh, and the naked, tiny-genital’d Chinese trunk-dude from The Hangover is all up in this motherfucker too. Anyway, if you’re one of those mooks that’s still on the fence: BAM! Here’s one of the smartest, and funniest, episodes yet, divided by “chapter.” Watch it in order. The way it builds to the madness of “Timeline Five: Troy” is masterful. (Or, short attention span suckas, just skip straight to “Timeline Five.” Even out of context it’s the best shit EVER!) If you don’t like this, you won’t like the series. And I won’t like you. And you should be ashamed of yourself. Dick.

Timeline One: Annie

Timeline Two: Shirley

Timeline Three: Pierce

Timeline Four: Britta

Timeline Five: Troy

Timeline Six: Abed

The Prime Timeline: Jeff

Epilogue: Return To Troy’s Timeline

Batman: Arkham City

The first installment in this video game franchise (Arkham Asylum) is not only the best super-hero game ever, but one of the best games ever PERIOD! From what I’ve heard, the second one pulls a ‘The Dark Knight’ and tops it. Someone buy me this shit on the PS3 now and shit!!

Batman: Year One

Stupid family. All, takin’ up my time loving me and shit. Don’t you know I gots to watch this mu’fucker right here?!

Everybody Was Kung Fu Blah Blah

You guys HAVE to read Wolverine #17. I won’t spoil it, but if the line “Is it true that Kung Fu-related deaths are already up by 200% over last year?” doesn’t interest you, you’re shittier than the dickhead adult from Footloose! It’s mo’ fun than a motherfucker! Jason Aaron’s beard wields dark magics that grant him savage writing abilities. With Hulk, Wolverine & The X-Men, Wolverine and PunisherMax… fuck, other than Uncanny X-Force & Daredevil my entire Marvel pull list consists of Jason Aaron-written titles. Anyways, Wolverine #17: Cop that shit and get caught up before next issue. Fat Cobra!

Oh, and if you like that, you’ll love this too: Secret Avengers #18 starring Bruce Lee Shang Chi and illustrated by (no stranger to Kung Fu-related deaths) David Aja. Hi-yaaaa!!

The Dark Arts of Andrea Sorrentino

[Said in my best Homer Simpson "yell-whisper" while motioning with my thumb] Check out this motherfucker! BONKERS!!!

Shamone! by Dan McDaid

“This is the best thing your eyes will ever see…” is a line usually followed by the unveiling of my peen. Here’s the second best thing!

Yo, Milk! Cheese! M.O.P.! Play me out…

– Nuv

These are the new additions to my monthly pulls. Enjoy suckas!

Batman

There’s nothing certain in life but death and taxes. And the fact that Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo’s Batman is the crown-jewel of DC’s entire re-launch. And the fact that as long as Nuv lives, local EMS crews will be responding and removing objects wedged in his anus.

Wonder Woman

I’ve never really cared about Wonder Woman, aside from her role as “Most Smoochable Member of the Justice League”, but this book is amazing and I’m really looking forward to reading it every month. Side note: Nuv’s MSMJL is Superman’s red underpants. Overpants? Anyways, they’re gone! GET OVER IT NUV.

Aquaman

He’s a space fish with a heart of gold. Sometimes vans get flipped over! Where one stands at the shore, two stand because MERA! In summation, I’m buying this book but I’m NOT PROUD OF IT.

Batgirl

I’m not pulling it, Venus is! But you know what? I like it too. Babs has been in that wheelchair LONG ENOUGH I tells ya. That Limey kook Alan Moore shot her like, forever ago? Hello? Anyway, she’s crime fighting again (with 100% more running and kicking!) and I’m down like James Brown.

Swamp Thing

It’s funny how Scott Snyder made Swamp Thing (a character NO ONE cared about since Alan Moore was sane) one of the big hits of the new DC universe. Choose your own dis!

If you choose “You want funny? No one has EVER cared about Nuv!” go to page 231.

If you choose “I’d like to see Nuv get a ‘big hit’ from a Greyhound bus!” go to page 74.

The Flash

Let’s face it, this comic could be called Manapul Monthly and feature homeless people converting shopping carts into makeshift Canada geese barbeques and it would sell just as many copies. Sheeeee-IT! I’d even read a mother flippin’ SUPERMAN comic if Francis Manapul was drawing it.

Demon Knights

If I hadn’t agreed to read all 52 #1’s, there is no way I would have given this book the time of day. If it was like “Pardon me, can you tell me what time…” I’d be like “Go fuck yerself Demon Knights!” Anyway, as it turns out I found a Justice of the Peace willing to perform the ceremony and now the first two issues and I are GETTING MARRIED next SUNDAY at the Unitarian Church!

Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E.

Alberto Ponticelli’s art reminds me of a shakier (but not sloppy!) Sean Phillips and Jeff Lemire is rightfully gaining popularity for his creepy-cool stories. The second issue is even better than the first and you know what? Nuv Takhar will personally pay each of our readers $20 if Lemire and Ponticelli aren’t co-CEOs of DC comics by the tenth issue.

Supergirl

I brought this one home only to have it snatched from my hands by the lovely and thieving Venus Toshiba. So we’re pulling this one alright, although I have to wait my turn to read it. Sad story, you guys! Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that Mahmud Asrar’s art is a gorgeous cross between Tim Sale and Francis Manapul.

Batwoman

Everyone knew J.H. Williams the THREE was gonna bring his A-game since before this book became his baby. Hell, even I knew that and I can’t stand babies! Also, the second issue has amazing fight scenes with cutaway x-ray panels showing fist-and-foot-fractured bones. AMAZING!

Animal Man

This comic is like this column. You can’t have a good thing (me) without something gross (Nuv). I didn’t really want to pull Animal Man because I don’t like the art very much, but the story is gonna smash into Swamp Thing in a great big way and I don’t want to be stuck with half a story. Meh!

Justice League

My therapist says I can’t stay mad at Jim Lee forever over the FIASCO OF LATENESS known as All-Star Batman and Robin. He also said I couldn’t set his desk on fire and peel out of the parking lot hoisting the middle finger while cranking Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway. Ka-pow! INCORRECT ON ALL COUNTS! Anyhoo, Justice League is pretty sweet and there are only two members so far.

Also, technically, this book is the first of the New 52 to be late. Yeesh…

Anyway, that’s it for my 12-issue subscription additions! How am I funding it all, you might ask? Well Nuv has hipped me to opportunities in the booming after-hours bathhouse masseur industry, so that’s always an option. Also, the guys at my local comic shop (THE CONNECTION REPRESENT!) have an amazing discount system for regular customers. Also, I dumped a bunch of Marvel comics.

HOLY SHIT WHAT?! More on that next week?!

– Ian

August 31st: the first title hits, and The Big Two once again “invited” Mark (at gunpoint) to join them, this time in reading and reviewing ALL 52 #1s! Comics (and Mark) were never the same…

WEEK 1

Justice League #1 by Geoff Johns and Jim Lee

Mark: I have to admit, I was underwhelmed by this issue. It’s not that it was bad, or that there was anything particularly wrong with it… I just wanted more Justice League and less of the Green Lantern and Batman issue of Brave and the Bold. It looked beautiful. The story is perfectly fine. I’ll get the second issue, but I’m not super pumped about this book right off the bat.

Nuv: …and: scene! OK, first of all fuck everything he just said. Anyone who doesn’t like this issue? It’s because they built up their expectations to unrealistic levels and placed the pressure of justifying this whole reboot on it’s shoulders. Taken on it’s own: it’s the shit! Jim Lee (barring an odd sequence that makes me think he’s never watched a game of football in his life) fires on all cylinders here and Geoff Johns crafts a clever, accessible script that nevertheless never dumbs it down for the old readers and moves at a brisk clip. Their Batman is always one step ahead. Jim’s display of Green Lantern’s powers is imaginative and appropriately flashy, while Johns gives him the line of the issue (“You can’t fly so how else were we going to get here? Talk in a deep voice?”) And the entrance of “This Ain’t Your Daddy’s” Superman steals the whole show away from them both. I still don’t like the costume redesign, but Lee even almost makes that look good. We don’t meet the whole team right away, but we will. Does this issue re-invent the wheel? No. Does it throw 20s on that motherfucker and roll right over the competition? Yes. This is fun and fresh feeling despite the familiar-ish faces, and as epic as a title created by/starring DC’s biggest/best should be. A summer blockbuster with charismatic leads, sharp dialogue and crisp direction. If you dig down and honestly don’t like this, you don’t like comics.

Ian: This book was a lot of fun. The only way in the world I’d ever read a Justice League book is if it went right back to the beginning, and that’s exactly what you get here. The heroes don’t know each other and on first meeting don’t even like each other. Just like Nuv and I! Except we STILL don’t like each other.

Mark: Can’t say I blame either of you…

WEEK 2

Action Comics #1 by Grant Morrison and Rags Morales

Ian: Kind of a dumb story and bad art. What? The art is atrocious. The scene where Clark is talking to his meth addict (?) landlady is especially creepy considering Rags Morales drew them both with the same face! The best thing about this book is when Supes gets shot by the tank and says “GD” and all of the American Christians lost their shit over blasphemy. Jesus damn!

Mark: I have very mixed feelings about this one. The art was hit and miss, and the story wasn’t sensational… but I noticed a lot of little clues hidden throughout the story, and I am excited to see where Morrison is going with it all. Action is definitely staying on my pull list. I think I just really wanted to be blown away by this issue, but instead I just got a really good comic.

Nuv: Mark, only you could say “…instead I just got a really good comic” and have it be a bad thing. If you were a DC character you’d be Jade. Other than a few occasions of Forest Whitaker Eyes, Rags Morales’ art was exceptional. You know why? Because it embodied the title of this comic. He and Grant Morrison set out to give us a Superman (and Clark) that did not slow down or stop moving until being forced to in the final panel. After years of Moperman going on walkabouts and crying into his cape like an emo-sexual, here’s a Supes that DOES shit! So don’t believe the hype kids. I have faith in Morrison. He gave us the return to the “Big 7″ JLA in the late 90s. He gave us All-Star Superman. He gets it! And so will I, and so should you. Bitter bloggers, cult members and dickless midgets be GD’d…

Batgirl #1 by Gail Simone and Ardian Syaf

Ian: Basically the opposite of Action Comics. Great story, great art, ’nuff said. This has all the signs of a really great run and I’m glad they’re not glossing over Babs’ shooting, paralysis and recovery.

Mark: Batgirl was the second of the Week 2 releases that I read. On first reading, I enjoyed it more than Action Comics. Looking back though, I think it was actually quite dull. It was very straight forward. I really don’t like the idea of Barbara Gordon walking again brushed off so quickly as “a miracle,” and can only hope that Gail Simone goes into more detail soon. As it was, this was a very un-Simone comic. Issue 2 is a maybe.

Nuv: You are very conflicted Mark. One must exercise patience with serial entertainment. Often answers are not laid out at the beginning. One might even find that half the fun is the hunt!

Mark: So, you liked it?

Nuv: Nah. I like that they didn’t sweep The Killing Joke or her time as Oracle under the rug, and have even made it an important achilles heel going forward. I don’t like the bummy art. And I still think she served more of a purpose as Oracle. But, what do I know? Maybe wheelchair kids don’t need someone to look up to. Or across at, or whatever. Verdict? This title is okay as fuck! Almost yay!

Mark: Uhhh… what exactly was the point of arguing with me forever when you came to the same conclusion in the end?

Nuv: ‘Cause I does what the fuck I wants, son!

Batwing #1 by Judd Winick and Ben Oliver

Ian: How in the HELL did this comic end up being so great? I mean really, who saw this coming? Marvel never could pull off a proper African superhero (sorry Storm and Black Panther, but you’re lame) but Judd Winick and Ben Oliver NAIL this one. Beheadings galore!

Mark: This wasn’t awful. In fact, it might have been a better Batman comic than Detective Comics was. But, ethnic diversity aside, if I want to read a Batman comic, I’ll read Batman.

Nuv: It’s racist to not like this comic.

Ian: Yeah, bigot.

Mark: OK, first of all, why are you siding with him?! You LIKE this comic! And Nuv, you JUST told me you didn’t like this comic!

Nuv: Exactly!

Mark: So you’re racist?!

Nuv: Got that right, ya cracker-ass cracker!

Ian: White devil!

Mark: YOU’RE WHITE, JERKOFF!

Ian: Ha! You wish, Casper!

Mark: I can’t believe I’m voluntarily spending time with you idiots…

Detective Comics #1 by Tony Daniel

Ian: I didn’t intend to pick it up but it was a slow week so I thought, hey why not? And man, am I ever glad I did. Tony Daniel has set up a really creepy story with a new villain called The Dollmaker who’s all up in the Joker’s grill, cutting off people’s faces and shit. I’m in!

Mark: This book is garbage. Where Animal Man and Swamp Thing excelled in the creepy department (see tomorrow’s post), the new ‘Tec just tried too hard.

Nuv: I done told you mu’fuckers already that Tony Daniel’s a dinkbot. As much as I loathed most of this issue, I loved the last page…

…mostly because I love shock value violence and hate all faces that are not my own.

Ian: YOUR MOMS are try-hard garbage dinkbots and whatever other shit you said!

Mark: [rolls eyes] Zing. You sure showed us.

[UPDATE: Nuv read Detective Comics #2 just before this post went up, “…AND IT’S AWESOME! SERIOUSLY! I grabbed it on a whim and I’m glad I gave it a second chance. Even Mark, who also hated #1, agrees! I don’t want to spoil anything, so I’ll just say if ‘Batman meets House Of 1000 Corpses’ sounds intriguing, this one’s for you…”]

Green Arrow #1 by JT Krul and Dan Jurgens

Ian: This book is, and I’m not joking here, the worst comic book I’ve ever read. The story is stupid and what’s worse, it’s badly written. Sure, the character is idiotic to begin with (ARROWS?), but that’s no excuse for how corny this book is and how sub-par the art is.

Mark: They lost me at Q-Pads and Q-Phones. Here’s a Q-Tip for you… don’t try to take a well known corporate identity and convert it to fit into your superhero world. Bruce Wayne doesn’t run a company called Wapple. Don’t try to turn Oliver Queen into a vigilante Steve Jobs/Tim Cook. Also, the villains in this issue were ridiculous.

Nuv: Dammit, who keeps grabbing Dan Jurgens from the nineties? WE JUST PUT HIM BACK THERE, FOR FUCKSAKES!! You’re gonna fuck around and cause another Flashpoint and then Mark will murder-suicide this place. Mark (heh) my words, you!

Mark: [groan]

Hawk and Dove #1 by Sterling Gates & Rob Liefeld

Nuv: heh. heh. haha. ohhh. mu-ha-ha… (wanders around, creepily whisper-laughing to himself, clearly distraught; leaves room)

Mark: I can’t believe I actually read this book. The best commentary I’ve seen on this issue came from iFanboy, where Paul Montgomery said, “To put it simply, it feels like Hawk wrote and drew this book himself. And he isn’t qualified.”

Ian: I just don’t understand who this book is aimed at? Like, what possible demographic would want to read about Hawk & Dove? (As drawn by “No Feet” Liefeld no less! That’s a whole demographic of foot fetishists you’ve alienated RIGHT THERE numb-nuts.)

Nuv: …gah. Hoo hoo hah! jesuswhy… (in other room, slapping self about the face and chest)

Ian: What the fuck is…

Nuv: (returns dressed up like Al Pacino in Dick Tracy) NYARRR! (clears desk in fit of rage) I WANT. ROB. LIEFELD. DEEEEAAAAAAADDDDD!!!!!

Ian: Nothing of actual value to add to this?

Nuv: I could take up a whole column. Instead I’ll cite one example and summarize. Other than a “guy” whose mouth is sewn shut, 39 faces (of a possible 79) in this issue are THIS:

When everyone’s not taking a shit/doing an impression of Chuck D/Clint Eastwood (admittedly, that sounds like someone I’d wanna hang out with. If this is the result though, I’ll pass)… well, I have no end to that sentence. Everyone is ALWAYS Chuck-Clint taking a shit!

Hawk & Dove CAN be interesting. (See Justice League cartoon, where they’re voiced by Kevin & Wayne Arnold!) Liefeld can NOT. Don’t buy this! Even if your life depends on it. Just kill yourself. Trust me, it’ll be more pleasant. And anatomically correct. With less hidden feet.

– The Big Three

NEXT ISSUE: MORE #1′S WITH THE BIG THREE!
MARK (HEH) OFF YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAVE NUV-CHANNEL…

Here’s the downside though, I’ve spent so much time setting it up with shamelessly pirated legally purchased software and getting it to the point where I can even write an article that I’ve cut it WAY too close to deadline time. So what better way to deal with the situation that to just talk some smack. Like those worthless Social Studies classes we all had to take in high school, it’s time for CURRENT EVENTS YOU GUYS!

Well, Thor: The Mighty Thor just wrapped up its first six-issue arc and gosh darn it, what an incredible half-year of comics from Mr. Matt Fraction and Msr. Olivier Coipel! I was all prepared to cancel the title because, really, like there will ever be a run that good again but then Sir Nuv the Wangless piped up and reminded me that Pascual Ferry was resuming his art duties. Keep in mind this is the man who once said that if your Thor art “can’t be airbrushed onto the side of a van, you’re doing it wrong.”

Moving on, X-Men: Schism sucks so far despite what you might have heard from Nuv the imbecile. Hey, I really like Jason Aaron too, but this comic is so corporate-agenda that I truly don’t care what happens in its aftermath. That said, I’ll probably be picking up Wolverine and the X-Men because I’m a huge hypocrite.

I finally finished reading Darwyn Cooke’s Parker: The Outfit and while I found it as enjoyable as The Hunter – and every bit as awesome to look at – I gotta say that I’d rather Cooke wrap it up rather than continue with it for a couple more years. Initially I was stoked about the four-book project, but after seeing his short story in The Rocketeer a couple of months back I gotta say I’m restless to see Cooke draw some action and adventure again. Well, that’s one man’s opinion so WHATEVER!

Anyway, I swore that I’d never buy another Spider-Man comic ever again because I was BORED and I’d read every Spider-Man comic I ever wanted to read for the rest of my life. But then comes the announcement that Joe Madureira is gonna draw the upcoming Avenging Spider-Man. BOOM! PULLED!

Did I already write about this in the column? I can’t remember but if I haven’t I should have.

You think you’re bad at e-mail? I wrote to Nicholas Gurewitch of the HILARIOUS Perry Bible Fellowship to congratulate him on winning an Harvey Award and basically told him how much I’d been enjoying his stuff. Last week he wrote me back and said thanks and whatnot. Where things get weird is where I sent my original e-mail almost THREE YEARS to the date before the response came. That cat must get a LOT of e-mail…

Guess what! Last week I finally decided to get rid of my four-issue set of Mark Millar’s Nemesis. Oh, it ain’t your fault Steve McNiven, it’s the crap-ass story you had to draw. Millar really caught my attention with Superman: Red Son, but it’s been all downhill since then. What are you gonna do?

Well folks, that about wraps it up. My new keyboard is taking some getting used to and I still have a LONG way to go before everything is running smoothly. Stick around though! Review 2 a Kill is gearing up for a SHOCKING EXPOSÉ on DC’s New 52 starting NEXT WEEK! Until then kill time by checking out 52 Pickup, the New 52 preview we did a while back.

OCTOBER-ER-ER-ER! BE THERE-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER! NUV SUCKS-UCKS-UCKS-UCKS!

– Ian

Counter-Facepunch!

‘Sup mooks? Nuv here with some last minute headlines… This just in: Image Comics has followed DC’s lead and gone day-and-date digital. DC just released an update for their app that makes it even radder. Meanwhile, Marvel’s still trying to not be a copycat and getting left in the digi-dust. While they’re doing it in little trickles DC’s Peter North-ing their faces! And now Image is about to join the bukake.

In other news: X-Men: Schism #5 is on sale tomorrow. If you waded through the murky waters and poor writing up above my portion quickly wash your eyes with lukewarm water. Next: ignore what you read up there. Jason Aaron’s killing it with Schism, and it all comes to a head here in the main event: Wolverine vs Cyclops. Ian smells like restraining order. We now return you to your regularly scheduled GETTHEFUCKOUTTAHERE!!

– Nuv

If you don’t buy this right now, you don’t like superheroes… comics… fun… LIFE! Now go forth! Tie a towel around your neck or go commando like Supes and walk/run/fly your ass to your local comic shop and cop you a copy pronto! And no need to fly backwards around the earth if they’re sold out. (OR if you’re lazy OR running out of space for comic boxes) Make the switch from paper to pixel and let your chubby little digits do the walking – download the day-and-date* digital edition from the DC Comics app on your iPhone/iPad/iWhatever or Comixology on your computer.

*that means they both release at the same time, something Ian Premature-Ejaculate-sivo has never experienced

I’ll be back in the near future to pickup where we left off and talk about this (and the rest of the relaunch) with Ian and maybe (assuming we can get him to drop the restraining order) Mark Campbell. For now here’s some mo’ motherfuckin’ Jim Lee FOR YOUR FACES!

– Nuv

PART ONE • PART TWO • PART THREE • PART FOUR

Superman by George Pérez and Jesus Merino

Mark: I am so glad that Perez is only writing this book. Because the new costume (which is dumb enough as it is… knee pads? Really? He’s the Man of Steel.) looks worse than normal when Perez draws it.

Ian: George Perez is old and crusty. So is Superman. Perfect fit!

Mark: It doesn’t really matter because I’m saving my Superman allowance for…

Action Comics by Grant Morrison and Rags Morales

Mark: ‘Nuff said.

Ian: A new Action Comics #1! Do you know how much the original #1 is worth kids? Better buy 50 copies of the re-boot just in case! DC is actually marketing the book like this. To Nuv.

Nuv: Look. I get it. I had a hard time getting past resetting the longest-runnning comic back from 900+ back to 0. I got over it. This is actually a brave and bold move. Letting go to look ahead is hard. If you’ve been on one path since 1938, to change courses? DC’s playing Superman here, leading the way, giving the rest of the industry something to look up to, and hopefully, saving the day. It’s at least partly working. Everybody’s talking about them. Leaping headfirst into digital comics with day-and-date releases is probably the biggest move into the future from a notoriously nostalgic industry.

As for the comic itself? Well, the faith I have in the creative team on Action went a long way in helping me get over all my trepidation. I’m actually as excited for Morrison and Morales’ Action as I am for Johns and Lee’s Justice League. And, DC, I know you’re trying to look ahead. (Though, while I’m more forgiving of Pérez than most, he hardly seems like an infusion of fresh blood.) I promise I’m okay with change, when it makes sense, and attention on my favourite superhero, as well as (I’m sure) trying to line him up with the upcoming movie, are all good things. And you wanna do away with any elements that can be construed as “of their time,” cool. So what’s the biggest problem in your eyes? The underwear. Wait. What?

Superman is one of those things that has transcended being just a comic, or a character, or a costume. He’s an icon. A symbol. Universal. Timeless. You don’t need to change the look of something that’s timeless. You can modernize the concept, the character, whatever. People always claim he’s unrelatable, (I, for one, am sick of the attempts to make an emo-gaylord out of him) so start there. First superhero, kick-ass leader, there’s a lot already there. Somewhere along the way Action Comics (barring the Johns/Frank run and the period where Lex took over the book) became REAction Comics. Fine. Clean break. Make a man outta Mac. Give us a reason to “Look! Up in the sky!” again. I’ll tell you this though – it ain’t the threads that need updating, DC. From a business standpoint, the branding has history. Disbelief long suspended, underwear accepted. From an artistic standpoint the suit needs that field of red breaking up the blue. But, whatever. If you are going to change that for the sake of “not dating” him, do it for the better. Don’t change to dodge lawyer bullets. Change to move forward DC. Not sideways. Not backwards. Up, up and away, right? So, how the hell are kneepads and 90s-Image cosplay boots any better than the underoos? Come on! While Ian tells me kneepads come in handy in his (the oldest) profession, WHY WOULD SUPERMAN NEED THEM?!

Some things are meant to be forever. Superman is one of those. You don’t spit into the wind, you don’t tug on his cape, and, to me, he wears his underwear on the outside. I guess he can’t put it on in a phone booth anymore. Whatever. There’s probably an App for that. And you’ll probably make the Daily Planet a blog. But I digress. My argument works both ways. Maybe by October the genius of Kryptonian kneepads will be realized. I don’t know.

I do know one thing. There’s a whole universe at stake here, DC. This looks like a job for Superman.

Let’s see if he’s up to the task.

– The Big Three

PART ONE • PART TWO • PART THREE

Teen Titans by Scott Lobdell, Brett Booth & Norm Rapmund

Mark: What. The. Hell? I briefly touched on this yesterday and wrote at length about my reaction to this book here. This book raises so many questions. For instance, was Tim Drake a Robin? The solicitation says he is “forced to step out from behind his keyboard.” I have no idea what DC means by that. If he was a Robin, it means that Batman is now on his fourth Robin… but he is also supposed to be in the early days of his career now. This aspect of the new DC history alone is enough to make me wonder how they plan to hold together a cohesive universe.

Nuv: If they really wanted to try something different with DC’s teen heroes, I read an amazing idea/pitch over at Comics Alliance, that would’ve also given a home to some other interesting heroes that maybe couldn’t carry their own titles, from Metamorpho to The Atom. D.C.U.: A university for Superheroes. I’d buy that shit. Whatevs to this hokum.

Ian: Teens these days have no respect.

Static Shock by John Rozum, Scott McDaniel & Jonathan Glapion

Ian: Oh man, Static is just like Marvel’s Electro. Except Static is a black teenager, not a villain and has a totally different origin story, costume and publisher. Otherwise, exactly the same as Electro.

Mark: While I am not familiar with Rozum’s work, he was good friends with Dwayne McDuffie (Static’s creator), and was a Milestone writer back in the day. So he should be a good man to carry the torch. McDaniel does high-flying action books like no one else, so great choice there. Oh, and this is the third title on the list of black men with their own books.

Nuv: Where’s Black Lightning?

Hawk & Dove by Sterling Gates & Rob Liefeld

Mark: Liefeld. I don’t think I need to say anything else here. Nuv?

Nuv: AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ian: The only way I’d read this book is if Hawk & Dove get killed after the first issue. Liefeld & Nuv too.

Blue Beetle by Tony Bedard and Ig Guara

Mark: Hey look! Ethnic diversity expands beyond men of African American (or just straight up African, in Batwing’s case) descent! I’ll give Jaime Reyes another shot.

Ian: I took a survey of the whole world: Nobody wants to buy this book. Sorry T-Bed.

Nuv: They probably should’ve put BB in Justice League International, where he has a chance, and given a solo title to, oh, I don’t know, maybe Flashpoint’s kid-friendly, Devastator-ass take on S.H.A.Z.A.M., complete with thinly-veiled Battle Cat. Hmm? Something more diverse? How about one of my kind, like the dapper, tea-drinking Outsider of India? Give them bun-kids someone to look up to. Right now, it’s pretty much Russell Peters, Kumar, Apu, Aziz , Abed and me. (Mohinder got kicked out of the band.) Actually, that would make a pretty rad team book… Power Pakis, anyone?

The Fury of Firestorm by Ethan Van Sciver & Gail Simone and Yildiray Cinar

Mark: When I was a kid I had the DC Superpowers Firestorm action figure. I didn’t know what his powers were, but his Head. Was. On FIRE! It was the eighties, so his baggy sleeves weren’t even that much of a fashion disaster. Blame it on that little toy, but I’ve always had a fondness for Firestorm. Simone tweeted that this series will be a big part of the relaunch, and I think if there is any writer that can make Firestorm comics as awesome as I thought they should be when I had that toy, she is the one. Van Sciver is the wild card here. Remember Cyberfrog?

Nuv: I had that same toy! Ian’s parents couldn’t afford toys, but they played a game with coat hangers. Unfortunately, they lost, so here he is! Cyberfrog’s secret origin, revealed!

Ian: Two flaming guys in tight clothes? I’ll bet Nuv follows this title with A PASSION.

Legion of Superheroes by Paul Levitz & Francis Portela
Legion Lost by Fabian Nicieza & Pete Woods

Ian: I don’t read any comic book with the word “Legion” in the title. I think it’s because when I was a kid my Grandpa always dragged me to the Royal Canadian Legion where the veterans made me fight other kids for money.

Mark: I want to like the Legion. It is a great concept. But Levitz’s current run has been underwhelming, and trapping the Legion in the present was boring when DC did it in the 90s. Love the art on both books. Just don’t care for the writers.

Supergirl by Michael Green, Mike Johnson and Mahmud Asrar

Mark: I don’t mind the Supergirl redesign, with the exception of the cape. That collar has to go. The creative team doesn’t strike any chords with me, so I’ll likely give this one a miss.

Nuv: Mahmud Asrar is Mah’fuckin Awesome. Here’s the rub: DC, in trying to break from the old and “fix” everything, is blind to the fact that, in a lot of cases, they’re replacing the wrong parts. That suit is… well, if a shit could shit out another shit? That! Look, I don’t give a shit if you wanna change WW’s, Supergirl’s or even Ian’s ten-days-straight panties. If you do, just replace ‘em with something better, capicé? I mean, what the fuck are those boots? Is that a Velcro-collared cape? Was this a drunk artist-jam? I dunno. Godspeed, though. Me? I’d have just kept the iconic schoolgirl skirt look on her. At least you’d have kept your perv demographic happy. Right, Ian?

Superboy by Scott Lobdell, R.B. Silva and Rob Lean

Ian: Vampire Superboy! Oh wait, that’s Lobdell, not Snyder. Anyhoo, Silva’s pencils are going to be insane, so this book will automatically be worth a look.

Mark: The solicitation for this book and his role in Teen Titans don’t seem to match up at first glance which again calls into question the cohesiveness of this new DC Universe. I had a theory before the Super-books were announced, based on the leaked cover. The robotic appearance of Superboy got me thinking: with the Wildstorm Universe being incorporated, and the clear evidence that the Daemonites are a part of the new world, maybe the Superboy in this world would be a Spartan android. Doesn’t look like that is the case though, which is too bad. I would have read that book.

Nuv: Fuck all that shit, sons! IS THAT AN ERIC CANETE COVER?! If so: can we keep him? If not: why the fuck not?

Ian: CANETE!

Nuv: REBENGA!!

Mark: Wha…?

Ian: SILBA!!!

Nuv: VULVA!!!!

Mark: Huh?!?

Nuv: ASRAR!!!

Mark: SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!!!

Ian: I told you we could make him swear!

Nuv: Touché, douchebag.

Mark: [blank stare] I’m going home…

NEXT ISSUE: THE FINAL TWO TITLES! IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S… THE KNEEPAD-CLAD ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!
MARK (HEH) YOUR CALENDARS AND TUNE IN: TOMORROW! SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…